Thoughts and Confessions of a Testosterone Addict!

Le Printemps Homo devra attendre - 360° Magazine

2011-12-11T23:30:00.001+02:00

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When moving forward is moving backwards!?

2011-12-06T04:38:00.001+02:00

When you don't step outside your idyllic fantasy for a moment and take a good look at how things are in what seems rather comedy than political public stand-up in Egypt, multinational pumping stumbles and moves MENA hubs out of Cairo.
When you have to delay your internship year of hospital practice for a year until your father turns 60 so that you would be exempted from your hateful compulsory army service, your calculating mental timetable of your future plans snoozes only on your side because the universe doesn't adhere to a time clock meanwhile, your bf's timing in the plans moves a fair step forward in the "normal world".
When you spend more 'mum-is-visiting-until-march' time you get to have space for more interesting grown-ups conversations with your mother, you figure out that you got it many times wrong/hateful as a kid but only now you hear her side of the story so you finally feel more empathetic with the forward her but less with your self-victimizing passive aggressive emotional father.
When it's not quite daytime and not quite nighttime while you are making yourself open to messages about your future. This in-between place is symbolic to your life right now; not knowing where - or how - to go to the next step, Escapes from reality can be wonderful detours if only occasionally allowed; past that healthful point, they take a toll on your well-being.
When you electrify whatever room you walk into, you should finally believe that if you are entertaining angry or vengeful thoughts about someone - even if you never show your anger or seek revenge on that person - you are causing harm. But you aren't causing harm to the one you are upset with; you are causing harm to yourself. By allowing negative thoughts to eat away at you, then you are building a wall around yourself. Each negative or hostile thought is like a brick in that wall. The higher you build it, the harder it will be for good thoughts and positive energy to enter. Let go of what you can't control.
When you know it in your heart that the 40% - where you are only 6% of - of the society can't face the opponent mal-educated religion driven 60%. You feel uninspired, ideas are eluding you, your creativity seems oppressed, your energy is flagging. Then they tell you if you face the music now, you can turn it into a symphony!?

Wrinkle wrinkle deeper scar!

2011-07-16T20:38:00.000+02:00

So another year has passed and my "born-on-7-7-09" blog is 3 years old now. Same like how kids start to get annoying by the age of three; my blog is starting to bore me in a way! Maybe because I'm feeling uninspired to write anything for a long time now? Maybe because I grew out of it? Over the years, I've noticed that I usually create something that inspires me then after a period of time it ceases to inspire me anymore to continue doing it. But, I'm not ready to give up on my blog just yet!

And since my to-be-posted posts are still in draft, I'll at least keep my tradition of publishing my favorite readers' comments over the past year as a celebration for my blogaversary!

haha.. god you sound so wierd in arabic.. you're almost a different person in that post, most probably it's because I don't actually know you.. intresting!

anyway, abdo's a dick and you're a whore :p
By Ninja on "حين ميسرة"

نا مش مصدقة!! its very well written. You should definitely write more in Arabic.
طبعا عبده معرس ابن وسخة و انتي قحبة بنت شرموطة بس اللازم اعترف ان انتي فتحتي باب لكل كوانين مصر!! و انا من مكاني ده باحييكي على سفالتك و شرمطك اللي كسرت الحاجز اللغوي بين الكوانين و التعبير عن رغباتهم و تجاربهم الجنسية. هايلة يا ديدي

ps the 'Well of Loneliness' reference is a classic!
By E on "حين ميسرة"

This post is just wonderful, it is genuine, it is true, it is honest, its thrilling and defenitely erotic.
By Anonymous on "حين ميسرة"

Ice Queer, I am knowing you backwards, from end to beginning. And i like what im reading so far. I must admit it's one hell of a ride. You make an excellent existential writer.
By Jess on "حين ميسرة"

And they say dogs r satans! they were the angels who God sent to stop you fornicators from doing what u r doing!
By Anonymous on "حين ميسرة"

probably the best thing u've ever written there...hang in there...and stay focused!
By Anonymous on "In a search for a sanctuary"

You know ow much I like your posts but now this one is realy what I can relate to 100%. I'm glad you saw Vienna like I see Europe and you, going thyere with an open heart and soul, just recieved its gift, a very simple gift that costs nothing and means everything, this is life! I'm glad you noticed the freedom, the greenery, the silence, that everything is real. Work is real, fun is real, acceptance is real and grenery is real... Oh and beauty is real, a beauty that anyone can see not in the eye of the beholder, not immersed in ugliness and not scattered in a matrix of ranomness...
Believe me even if you were thre alone you woul have felt the same, Europe can always make you happy if you go to her with an open heart...
Glad you liked it and keep going there, IT WILL LEAVE A MARK...
By Meto on "Di Vienna rowda mel Ganna"

Wow! If this was a musical album it would be the most exciting and personal to date!
I would give it a Grammy!
Finally something genuine! :P
No I am pulling your leg.. but for once you didn't relay on some cheap trick or shortcut to actually "move" people.
I was moved entirely by your personal struggle, not because there was a controversy or some attempt at sloppy psychology or sexual kink.
This was deep and meaningful and I thank you for sharing it.
By E on "Ich habe keine Geduld"

wow.. my heart rate went up about 35 bpm reading that post! :)

What really grabbed me was the "Running to perfection, running away from the void" statement, I don't know which is actually scarier, the void or the perfection. To me, they both sound as suffocating as each other. Maybe the after-life is just the complete perfection that you keep running away from!
By Ninja on "Ich habe keine Geduld"

*finger snaps*
I swear I could hear you in my head narrating this whole post, it was amazing.
I expecially liked the "fear of your thoughts being judged" and "bathroom of any party/place would be
Your sanctuary". You're a brave brave sole, write on! *fist in the air*
By Michael on "Gayja-vu?"

I don't know you, and I came across your blog as I was googling mine * so narcissistic I know*... I have only read a couple of your posts and I am addicted to it already... and I think what clams us down too is writing about our fears in our blogs, knowing that someone out there might relate to it, might share our fears and anxieties, knowing that we are not the only crazy paranoid oppressed people out there...
I take my hate off to you Ice Queer... Your blog is one of a kind...
By Confessions of me on "Gayja-vu?"

I absolutely loved it!! it's so genuine and honest!!
Most of these questions i have in my head and i LOVE that movie :)
chapeau
By Jess on "Gayja-vu?"

I am reading this post 6 months later but the points you mentioned are still valid of course. Living in a country like Egypt requires you sacrifice a lot of things and put so much effort into things that should simply be your basic rights. I agree with you that LGBT rights in Egypt will not really see the light unless Egypt fundamentally changes into a secular country, and God only knows how long that will take! I am scared that you will keep on postponing being totally and perfectly who you are until it's too late. You are still young, I believe now is the time to travel, experience new things and grow both mentally and emotionally then maybe come back to Egypt stronger and fight for LGTB rights having the right knowledge and using the right tools.

Anyways, I am sorry for the long reply. I am not telling you to go or to stay. It doesn't have to be an either/or situation anyway! Just bear in mind that there's a price to pay whatever you decide.

I love you and I'll miss you if you go, but I want what's best for you. Am I not the best person you know born under the sign of Aries? :D
By Anonymous on "Limbo"

I was so bored and hangover because I can't see my love (it's a long distance, stupid time shifting) and obviously I drank to much so whatever I've keept reading your blog since the morning started and I really like it. Somehow it motivated me to start writing more experiences down like I used to do it a while ago.

Gonna keep reading your blog. Hope everything over there going to get better soon ;-).

PS: Awesome there is even an german interview.
By OldNick on "Ein gewisses Risiko bleibt immer"

Truely inspiring to hear how you and your friends unite for freedom. Just a friendly note to say we are reading about you here in New Zeland and we are thinking of your people, especially our GLBT brothers and sisters who face challenges every dsy
By Anonymous on "Cruising is out in Tahrir Square"

congrats! Looks like you become a new political voice of the gay egyptians! so that is maybe what it all was meant for...
By Simonsan on "A gay voice from Tahrir Square - Gay City News"

Hahaha :) I do sometimes feel so hot and do the same chat :)

I never had drinks before bum bum :) It is partly true that the ones who want to have drinks do not come with you to your or his home :)

I had drinks with some. And with any of them we did not have sex :)
By caner on "Don't talk, you'll wreck it"

Ice baby, U r The shit, man. gr8 writing & a lot of fun. we've all been there, wasting time, skirting around the issue. There r times when one wants 2 say "I'd rather be masturbating" ...
Love from Cape Town
By incommonworld on "Don't talk, you'll wreck it"

Maybe not everyone is emotionally detached as much as you are :)
By Anonymous on "Don't talk, you'll wreck it"

i went on this blog thinking that i might find something i can relate to, stories revealing our struggles being gay in a country where they consider it a sin, instead i found some bullshit about you wanting to "cut to the chase" and have sex. maybe there's more to this blog but the first two posts are a turn off. people like you are the reason why we're discriminated against,thinking that we r a bunch of sexually oriented freaks. seems like you are not any different from all the prostitutes and cheapos on manjam. oh and maybe u should consider changing your shrink, don't think he's of great help to you
By Anonymous on "Don't talk, you'll wreck it"

Don't talk, you'll wreck it!

2011-05-31T19:41:00.001+02:00

Last time I wrote a personal post, Mubarak was still in office! I've been writing a certain post for so long that now it looks like random thoughts that are paragraphed only in my head but not on paper so I've decided to post this post to try to break my dry spell(no pun intended)!

Scene I:

Him: heyyyy
Me: Hi
Him: how are u ?
Me: Good
Me: u
Him: i'm great
Him: i'm sorry where do u live again ?
Me: Cairo
Him: hahahah ya i know
Me: I don't remember u either lol
Him: i mean where in cairo ?
Me: (X)
Him: mmm
Him: i'm (X) 22 yrs
Him: lives in (X)
Me: What's ur profile?
Him: but i will be in (X) area for the week
Him: (X) on jam
Him: urs ?
Me: (X)
Him: i like ur pix
Me: Thx
Him: so maybe we can meet for adrink sometime if u want
Me: Can't we just meet 4 sex directly? :p
Him: hahaha
Him: maybe we can meet for adrink first and then we see
Me: I don't understand this abt most of guys in Egypt! Lol
Me: What will happen in "having a drink and seeing"? :D
Me: If it's abt "seeing", u saw me already in pics n you'll c me n have drink or smoke a joint if u want before we've sex lol mesh hanott 3ala ba3d immediately ya3ni
Him: it means we can meet , see each other and have adrink speak
Him: and maybe we have asex after
Me: Aren't we "speaking" now? LOL
Him: ya but u know
Me: Yeah?
Him: sometimes you chat with some one and then u meet him and u see atotally different guy
Me: I'm aware of that, but you've a tongue that u can use and say "u r a nice guy but I don't think we've chemistry"
Him: hahahha
Him: u know what
Him: i really like ur pic
Him: from the chat ya u r nice guy
Me: Yeah thx
Him: maybe we can go for the sex

Scene II:
So I cursed the hormones that made me log on our online freak show and thought about checking "grindr", I mean it's clearly a hook-up mobile app, nothing should go wrong and in the night I should be fucking with someone through it. But little did I assume to know!

Me: Hey sexy, what's up?
Him: Good, u?
Me: Good too, thnx
Him: Where r u from?
Me: Egyptian Moroccan living in (X), u?
Him: I'm Egyptian but living a board
Me: Aha ok! Here on vacation or business?
Him: Business but I'm staying at my parents house in (X)
Me: It's okay, I've got a place
Him: What r u looking for?
Me: Sex

Him: What's ur role?
Me: both, u?

Him: Top
Me: oh really? what's ur dick size?
Him: 17cm but thick
Me: Interesting!
Me: So when r u usually free? Free tomorrow after 2pm if u like to meet for some fun?
Him: I finish work around 2
Me: great then!
Him: We can meet for coffee first
Me: What for?
Him: So we can see each ather, talk a little and c if we get a long
Me: You saw already many pics for me and you'll c me when we meet!
Me: And abt "talking", you've got the 10-15min awkward minutes before sex where u can talk all u want! :p
Him: you r wierd!
Me: No, you r here for 10 days!
Him: so what?
Me: So u r 30 years old, I'm 22 so we're both basically what? 40?! Why can't u just be realistic and accept the fact that there is no need for us to "socialize" or "be friends" since I've a bf, don't need "long distance" friends who live "a board" and I've told u from the beginning that I'm looking for sex!

*The End & I've No Comment, really*

Winds of Change - DNA Magazine

2011-05-21T22:10:00.000+02:00

Thanks to Hossein Alizadeh

Homophobia is the solution?

2011-05-05T04:57:00.003+02:00

Not too long ago, the ex.vice-president, Omar Suleiman, used "Muslim Brotherhood" as an "Islamophobic" straw-man in all his interviews during the Jan25 Revolution to scare the whole world of what would happen if Mubarak left. Today, the Muslim Brotherhood are using homophobia and xenophobia to attract people's votes like they did before during the constitutional referendum and influenced people to vote "yes"!

On the 3..5.2011, at rally attended by about twenty five thousand people in Tanta, capital of the Gharbiya governorate north of Cairo, Mohammed Badie, leader of the Muslim Brotherhood stated that "it is not permissible for Democracy to allow what's forbidden (haram) or forbid what's allowed(halal) even if the entire nation agreed to it."

He stressed that "the seekers of freedom and democracy and citizenship will only find them in Islam which is keen to build a good man", adding "the West has allowed gay marriage under the pretext of democracy, which we will never allow in Egypt, and we will not allow under the pretext of national unity that a Muslim woman would get married to a Christian man which violates the Islamic law(Sharia)."

The Muslim Brotherhood infamously campaigned "Islam is the solution" during parliamentary elections a couple of years ago. Today, it says it will contest half of the seats in the country's parliamentary elections in September, revealing plans to become a major force in the country's post-revolution politics (though it had previously promised it would not compete for more than 30 per cent of seats). For this end it has founded a new political party called “The Freedom and Justice Party”, and appointed its new leaders in a press conference last Saturday.

"This is not a religious or a theocratic party," claimed Mahmoud Morsi, the party's newly appointed hawkish leader. He described the platform of the Freedom and Justice Party as civil but with an Islamic background that adheres to the constitution. Brotherhood leaders said that the political party will be separate and independent from the religious group, although in effect, it was the Brotherhood’s own Shura council that elected the Party’s leaders. Both the party’s leader, and it’s vice president, Dr. Essam Elarian, have been long active in the Muslims Brotherhood of Egypt. The latter infamously declared (when he was the Muslim Brotherhood’s spokesman) during the notorious Cario 52 or Queen Boat incident in 2002: "From my religious view, all the religious people, in Christianity, in Judaism, condemn homosexuality. … It is against the whole sense in Egypt. The temper in Egypt is against homosexuality."

Nine years later, even after the amazing changes taking place in Egypt, has Dr. Essam Elarian changed his mind? In a recent interview to the Guardian he said: "The issue of human rights has become a global language," he said. "Although each country has its own particulars, respect of human rights is now a concern for all peoples" – though he specifically excluded gay rights. So it seems at best he has slightly moderated his tone but not his views.

Although the Brotherhood appears to have firmly embraced democracy, the means for reconciling that with its religious principles are not entirely clear: the issue of God's sovereignty versus people's sovereignty looks to have been fudged rather than resolved, and this is most apparent for women, non-Muslims and minorities, including Egypt’s LGBT community. We can thus rightly ask: for the Freedom and Justice Party – homophobia is the solution to cover up this blatant contradiction?

Article was published on GayMiddleEast
Article is published on San Diego Gay & Lesbian News
Article got translated into Turkish and published on KAOS GL

Popular Uprisings: Marriage Equality and Gay Rights in Egypt - Global Post

2011-03-12T23:27:00.002+02:00

Photo is taken from Gender Across Borders.

The most talked about issue in the gay rights movement in America is marriage equality. And Wednesday signified a historic moment for the LGBTQ community, when the Obama administration announced that, “Section 3 of the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) — which prohibits the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages — is unconstitutional and [we] will ask the Justice Department to stop defending the law.” (I agree with others that this should have come sooner. But it is something.)

For me, marriage equality is less about a burning desire to sign a legally enforceable marriage contract with the one I love and more about an expression of my personal freedoms and liberties. I believe every person should have the right to choose whether or not they want to enter into marriage (and have access to the 1,138 federal benefits that come with a marriage contract).

Yet, just like reproductive rights do not encapsulate the entirety of women’s rights, marriage equality is not synonymous with gay rights. Marriage is, in fact, a relatively recent strategic focus (and, some might argue, not necessarily the most important). The issues that we—LGBTQ folks and allies—mobilize around have inevitably changed with time. In America, today our issue is marriage equality; in the past it was decriminalizing sodomy, fighting housing discrimination, etc.. etc., etc.

In the face of changing times and evolving issues, a consistent basis for the LGBTQ movement, and any social movement, is our freedom of association—the individual right to come together with other individuals and collectively express, promote, pursue and defend common interests.

I found myself thinking a lot about this right as I watched the protest movement in Egypt unfolding. And now that the revolutionary masses have left Tahrir Square, I wonder: When people talk about the future of human rights in Egypt does this include equal rights for gays and lesbians? What are the most pressing issues facing the Egyptian LGBTQ community—the issues a movement could be built around (and, perhaps, the issues already being discussed in hiding)?

To date, although Egypt does not have an anti-sodomy law on the books, other laws have been used to target and arrest gays and lesbians, including claims of violations of the “Public Order & Public Morals” code and “violating the teachings of religion and propagating depraved ideas and moral depravity.” The most widely known attack on homosexuals occurred in 2001 and was dubbed “The Cairo 52” — 52 gay men aboard a floating nightclub called the Queen Boat were arrested. The detainees were subjected to forensic examinations, apparently in order to determine whether they had engaged in anal intercourse. They were also forced to say “my name, my job, my address and say ‘I am gay.’” Despite the pleas of international humanitarian organizations, 23 of these men were imprisoned.

I am not the only one wondering “what now?” for the LBGTQ community in Egypt. Last week in the Huffington Post, Keli Goff posted an article in which she expressed skepticism about what the regime’s demise would mean for gays and lesbians. Goff wrote,

“While I hate to be a “Debbie Downer,” it must be said that amid the worldwide jubilation that greeted the news of Hosni Mubarak’s retirement from his chosen profession of dictator, not all are celebrating. A big question mark remains regarding what this new era in Egypt will mean for gays and lesbians.”
And in light of last week’s announcement that the state’s emergency laws might be lifted in six months Katherine Franke offered a thoughtful perspective on the “Gay Rights Angle on the Egyptian Revolution?” Franke wrote,

“As Egypt and its supporters begin to dismantle the decades-old institutionalization of the State of Emergency, it is important to bear in mind the ways in which the denial of basic civil and human rights for sexual minorities can be used to undermine larger projects of democratization that seem not to “be about” gay rights at all.”

On a slightly more optimistic note, the website Gay Middle East (GME) featured an interview with the well-known Egyptian gay blogger IceQueer, in which he stated:

GME: “I suppose it’s too risky and even counter productive to ask directly for LGBT rights in the protests, but how do you see these issues in the context of the revolution and a larger human rights agenda?”
IQ: “You can’t ask for lots of changes that have different affect on people. I mean already asking for “freedom” and “fall of regime” bedazzled the whole country and its people. So imagine what would happen if we asked for LGBT rights?
“I believe that Egypt’s LGBT community can only have its rights when Egypt becomes a real secular country.”

To date, no organization exists in Egypt whose explicit aim is to improve the legal or social position of LGBTQ Egyptians. Furthermore, Egyptian human rights organizations have largely avoided LGBTQ-rights issues for fear of a backlash from the government or socially conservative citizens.

Hopefully, this can and will change now.

Rasha Moumneh—a researcher with Human Rights Watch who works with feminist and LGBT groups in the Middle East—was interviewed on The Gist and provided a nuanced description of what the protests might mean for LGBTQ Egyptians.

“I think the key issue to look at going forward is if there is a democratic transition and if there is a popular government that is truly representative and that does respect human rights. I think the most important thing to look at is whether freedom of expression and freedom of association are going to be guaranteed. I think those are going to be the most indicative things moving forward to see whether work on sexual rights or gender rights is going to be pushed forward.”
It remains to be seen what the popular uprising will mean for every sector of Egyptian society, including gays and lesbians. Whatever it is, it seems likely that meaningful change will be slow to emerge. As a friend of mine likes to say, “Evolution is more complex than a revolution.”

Something that went largely unmentioned in all of the reporting on the recent uprising in Egypt is that before Tahrir Square was the center of the pro-democracy movement it was the most popular place for gay cruising in Cairo. Let’s hope that now it can be home to both democracy and the LGBTQ community.

And as change unfolds, let’s—as an international LGBTQ community—actively support Egyptians. Our issues may be different but our right to express our sexuality and the freedom to collectively promote, pursue and defend common interests is the same.

Original Article

Source

A WIND OF CHANGE? - GayRomeo

2011-03-11T15:04:00.000+02:00

A WIND OF CHANGE?
The news and images coming out of Egypt, Libya, Bahrain, Yemen and other countries in North Africa and the Middle East, remind us of all the LGBT people who suffer or have been the victims of violence at the hands of the state or society. We can't choose where we are born, or who we are destined to love. Nor can we forget the cruel and tragic images of youths being hung in Iran - a country where death remains a real threat for anyone accused or suspected of being gay.

Image Source: Ice Queer - LGBT people were among the crowds in Tahrir Square, Cairo

In the past weeks, many gay people have taken part in the mass protests across North Africa and the Middle East. Their heartfelt aspirations they have for their countries and for their own rights are deeply inspiring. We must hope that whatever "freedoms" are won will include and not exclude the rights of sexual and other minorities. Experience shows that while governments and regimes can sometimes fall overnight, it takes much longer for a society to lose its prejudices.

Source

L'Egitto, tra rivoluzione, Internet e omosessualità: anche il blogger gay IceQueer in piazza Tahrir

2011-03-09T17:35:00.001+02:00

Abbiamo sentito raccontare le rivoluzione del Nord Africa da esperti (spesso presunti), da leader politici, da ideologici, da professori universitari. Sentirsela raccontare da chi quella rivoluzione l'ha fatta nella strada, con le idee della strada, fa tutto un altro effetto. E ci permette di capire davvero la rabbia e la gioia, la paura e la speranza, l'incertezza e la sicurezza e soprattutto la fede assoluta nel popolo e in Internet che sono state in grado di muovere le masse e di abbattere i dittatori.

Dopo che Rachid, rappresentante in Italia dell'associazione lgbt clandestina marocchina KifKif, ci ha raccontato le rivolte in Marocco, ora il più noto blogger gay egiziano, IceQueer, ci racconta gli eccezionali giorni che l'Egitto sta vivendo. Ce li racconta con gli occhi di un semplice amante della libertà che, senza alcuna esperienza di politica, come lui stesso ammette, ha vissuto la straordinaria esperienza di scrivere la storia in piazza Tahrir...

* * *

Quali sono state le cause principali della vostra rivolta?

Il popolo egiziano non ne poteva più di Mubarak e del suo regime: la rivoluzione è stato il risultato naturale di quello che abbiamo sofferto negli ultimi 10-15 anni e forse anche di più. Il popolo in piazza Tahrir chiedeva i diritti più essenziali, che sono libertà, giustizia sociale e democrazia.

Qual è stato il ruolo di Facebook, di Twitter, dei blog?

I social network hanno giocato un ruolo importante nell'organizzare il popolo e anche nello smascherare l'ipocrisia dei mass media. I social network semplicemente dicono la verità. Puoi leggere di un caso di tortura su Twitter, vedere il video su YouTube e poi discuterne su FaceBook!

Dal punto di vista occidentale, il ruolo dell'esercito non è molto chiaro...

Ad essere onesti, il ruolo dell'esercito adesso non è molto chiaro neppure per noi. Il popolo è contro questo governo di transizione e l'esercito sta cercando di rimanere il più neutrale possibile, ma non è abbastanza.

Non è molto chiaro neppure il ruolo dei Fratelli Musulmani...

La rivoluzione egiziana non ha portato avanti alcun programma politico o religioso, ma gran parte del popolo fino ad ora non vuole i Fratelli Musulmani per le prossime elezioni.

A Palermo, un ragazzo marocchino, Noureddine Adnane, si è dato fuoco per protestare contro le persecuzioni della polizia italiana, emulando il gesto storico del tunisino Mohamed Bouazizi. Credi che i giovani delle due sponde del Mediterraneo possano unirsi per lottare contro tutti gli oppressori?

La gente non ha alcuna idea di come ci si senta quando inizi a uccidere le tue paure e diventi capace di dire: "No, ora basta, andatevene via!". E' uno spirito che spero che persista in Egitto e nel mondo intero.

Cosa ne pensi dell'Italia?

Sarò superficiale: ti dico che l'Italia per me è la moda, i bei ragazzi e l'architettura, ma sono sicuro che ci sono molte più cose da conoscere a proposito dell'Italia. Io sto cercando di conoscerle attraverso i miei amici italiani, qui in Egitto.

E del nostro governo, cosa ne pensi?

Del vostro governo? Beh, io non sono un'esperto di politica, quindi non so davvero cosa dire sulla situazione in Italia, ma di tanto in tanto leggo notizie sulla corruzione di Berlusconi.

Come vivono i gay e le lesbiche in Egitto?

La vita per i gay e le lesbiche in Egitto varia da persona a persona: alcuni sono profondamente repressi, alcuni sono "discreti", alcuni sono dichiarati, ma non con tutti, e una minoranza sono dichiarati con i propri genitori e con gli amici. Fondamentalmente ci incontriamo tra di noi attraverso i siti di incontro online.

Qual è la situazione dal punto di vista legale?

Anche se in Egitto l'omosessualità non è illegale in senso stretto, gli omosessuali vengono arrestati in riferimento ai reati di "depravazione abituale" e di "comportamenti osceni", in base all'articolo 9c della legge n. 10 del 1961 sulla lotta alla prostituzione, e al reato di "disprezzo della religione", in base all'articolo 98 del codice penale.

Source

A gay voice from Tahrir Square - Gay City News [Updated]

2011-02-20T16:31:00.001+02:00

If the ongoing Egyptian people’s revolution that toppled Hosni Mubarak in just 18 days — after 30 years of dictatorship — quickly engulfed the whole country, its beating heart was always Cairo’s Tahrir Square (in Arabic, “Liberation Square”), for many years a gay cruising mecca.

And gay people were among the millions of Egyptian citizens who made the revolution possible and joined the crowds who occupied the square to demand democracy and freedom from oppression.

This revolution was motored by young people through the Internet, and one of them was a well-educated, 22-year-old gay blogger and medical student who uses the pseudonym Ice Queer (“It’s a pun on ‘Ice Queen,’ as I’m a calm, cool person,” he explained). He was present in Tahrir Square during much of the protest, including last Friday, February 11, when Mubarak finally fell.

Ice Queer was an early participant in what has been dubbed the “Facebook revolution” that harnessed the social network to organize the first protests in Tahrir Square and elsewhere on January 25. But social networking was a means to an end. What motivations led Ice Queer to join this movement and help mobilize the demonstrations?

“Because we were fed up of Mubarak and his regime,“ he told Gay City News in an interview conducted through a series of email exchanges. “I started participating after I made sure that the protests didn’t have any political or religious agenda from any party and that all protesters are protesting because we are Egyptians and humans who have been oppressed for decades!

“Also it gave me and others a great sense of self, because for so many years most of the Egyptian society was undervaluing the power and enthusiasm of us, the youth! Everything that everyone did mattered, even those who showed up in Tahrir Square just to support and show solidarity.”

On his first day of protest in Tahrir Square, Ice Queer said, “I was holding a sign saying ‘Secular’ in Arabic, English, and French, and also my friends (straight, gay, girls, Christians, and Muslims) were holding similar signs, and we all were chanting that this protest is for the people and not for any party or religion.”

The multitudes in Tahrir Square reflected a veritable rainbow, as Ice Queer witnessed: “Gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, Atheist, Poor, Rich, Black, White, Nubian, Bedouin… EVERYONE was in Tahrir in a beautiful humanitarian image that I saw with my own eyes!”

Every step the Mubarak regime took — seesawing back and forth between violent repression and minor concessions — backfired, stiffening the protesters’ resolve to continue and swelling the crowds in Tahrir Square, Ice Queer said. Because he was on call in the hospital where he interns, he was not present in the square on the day Mubarak sent undercover police and thugs from the lumpenproletariat, paid 8 Euros a day, to attack the pro-democracy demonstrators with clubs, knives, and Molotov cocktails. With a tinge of regret, he wrote, “I don’t know if I should feel lucky or sorry that I wasn’t there on these days.”

But Ice Queer was fortunate, he said, to have been in Tahrir Square when Mubarak’s hand-picked vice president and notorious point man in the CIA’s rendition and torture program, Omar Suleiman, read a short statement on national television announcing that the dictator was stepping down and handing power over to the Military Council.

“On 11th of February, I was in Tahrir Square after Friday’s prayers,” he told this reporter, “and it was very peaceful as on most of the protests’ days. Shortly before the announcement of Omar Suleiman, I was on my way with my friends to grab a bite to eat from a place that’s about ten minutes away from the square, and while we were in the middle of that distance we heard a very loud cheer and cars joyfully tooting their horns. We couldn’t believe it because there was a ‘false alarm’ before, so we called our families for confirmation and we couldn’t have been happier!”

Unlike the previous day’s unrealized rumors that Mubarak would step down that evening, which had sent the square’s throngs into paroxysms of joy, Suleiman’s announcement on February 11 was for real.

“When we went back to the square, we were amazed!,” Ice Queer continued. “People were all hugging and congratulating each other, chanting ‘People indeed removed the system,’ ‘There is no people like the Egyptian people,’ and that ‘Mubarak should be prosecuted’. All the women started to do the popular Zaghrouta (ululation), some people were crying with joy, and some were dancing. Basically everyone was expressing his/ her joy the way he/ she knows to!

“For me, I was having goosebumps all of the time after Mubarak quit! I kept dancing and chanting with my friends and called my boyfriend to share the moment with him too.”

In contrast to the vast majority of Egyptian men who have sex with men — he guesses that “maybe five percent” of whom are out of the closet — Ice Queer self-identifies as gay and is out to his parents and friends, and frequently blogs on gay themes.

Homosexuals under Mubarak’s dictatorship lived under a cloud of fear, marked by waves of intensifying repression. A defining event in the regime’s crackdown was the May 11, 2001 arrest of the men known as the Cairo 52, when police raided a gay party being held aboard a floating nightclub, the Queen Boat, anchored in the Nile.

Although homosexuality is not strictly illegal in Egypt, of the 52 men arrested on the Queen Boat, 50 were charged with “habitual debauchery” and “obscene behavior” under Article 9c of Law No. 10 of 1961 on the Combat of Prostitution. The other two were charged with “contempt of religion” under Article 98f of the Penal Code. These laws have regularly been used to prosecute Egyptian gays, as has the Emergency Law — in place since Mubarak assumed the helm in the wake of Anwar Sadat’s assassination in 1981 – which gives the government the right to arrest people without charge, detain prisoners indefinitely, limit freedom of expression and assembly, and maintain a special security court.

The Cairo 52 were brutally beaten and tortured by police. In a series of hugely publicized trials — during which the uniformly homophobic Egyptian media sensationalized the Queen Boat incident and vilified the men arrested — nearly half of them received prison terms of three years. During the same crackdown, all gay websites were closed down, either by censorship of the Internet or by the arrest of those who ran them.

The persecution of the Cairo 52 was Mubarak’s attempt to throw a sop to the Islamist fundamentalist imams and the Muslim Brotherhood, who were campaigning against homosexuality.

Crackdowns on gays served another purpose as well. When critics of the regime disseminated rumors the dictator’s son, Gamal — whom he hoped to install as his successor as president — was gay, repression of queers was used by Mubarak to cauterize accusations that his government was guilty of “Western decadence.”

Arrests, brutality, and torture of gay men by police — designed, in part, to ferret out the names of other homosexuals — were common in the Mubarak years.

“They even used to make some of them a deal that they will let them go if they lead them to other homosexuals or if they work for them to trap other homosexuals online,” Ice Queer noted.

He went on to explain, “Mubarak knew very well how fear could make him fully control people. The Cairo 52 catastrophe is in the mind of every gay guy in Egypt. Whenever I go to or host a gay party, I always had to a certain degree the fear of ‘This could be another Queen Boat catastrophe.’ Although I wasn’t actively gay at the Cairo 52 time, I remember very well that time and how I was following the case in newspapers though I was only 12 and didn’t fully know about homosexuality back then.”

Ice Queer’s first sexual encounter occurred when “I was 13-14,” he said.

“My parents were away for summer vacation and I was home alone,” he recalled. “I chatted with someone on Yahoo chat and then I brought him home. It was a horrible experience — he was totally not my type, but thankfully it wasn’t hardcore.”

The young blogger elaborated, “I went through the phases of self-struggle like most gay guys, but what made me get quickly out of them into self-acceptance were my friends, reading, doubting, and questioning until I reached balance. I didn’t choose to come out to my parents. It’s a very long story, and they saw it coming anyway, as they indirectly asked me many times before whether I’m gay or not. They knew all along but were in denial and had no ‘evidence’ against me, until one day my sister and my mother confronted me with a chat history that I forgot to delete, so I had no other choice. Their reaction was very surprising actually, because I always thought it would be a disaster and that they would ground or violently punish me.

“They just sat me down and asked me if I was molested when I was a kid and whether I had sex or not, then they said, ‘It could be a psychological problem, would you like to see a shrink?’ and so I did! I saw my shrink for a year and half, then I stopped going and told my parents that I’m ‘cured.’ (You can check my blog posts about the whole experience starting January 2009).

“My closest straight friends knew way long before my parents because I was sick of living a lie and having to pretend to be someone else in front of them. Some of them are still my friends up till now and some are not. Their reactions were mostly positive, but some just tried to preach and gave me religious books because they don’t want me to ‘suffer’ and they wanted ‘what’s best for me.’ Anyhow girls’ reaction was much smoother than guys’.”

Ice Queer, like most self-accepting Egyptian gays, believes that winning the basic human rights of free speech, freedom of association, and freedom of the press are necessary preconditions to the educational process that alone can change hostile cultural attitudes toward same-sex love in Egypt. Now that Mubarak has fallen, this reporter asked him if he believes that raising the question of gay rights must wait until those freedoms are clearly and unalterably established.

“Totally!” he replied, adding, “We need first to realize basic human rights and establish a democratic secular atmosphere before fighting for our LGBT rights. In recent years, homophobia hasn’t really changed in our media, and the post-Mubarak Egypt will depend on which political party will rule.”

The optimism of the will that animated young Egyptians in overcoming their fears and launching protests that led to the revolution is evident in Ice Queer, who voiced no doubts about the army being held to its promises of full democracy.

“If we were able to get rid of Mubarak’s regime in 18 days, I guess we are able to do anything if we unite again for our freedom,” he declared.

What does Ice Queer want from the new, post-Mubarak Egypt?

“To always enjoy the ‘freedom’ that I’m enjoying in these days, to be able to express my point of view without censorship, to be living in a real secular country, to not fear that I’d be prosecuted one day because I’m gay or because I’m atheist,” he responded. “To simply be able to enjoy my humanity by all its means!”

But the army now in power has been part and parcel of the corrupt, repressive regime and owns hundreds of highly profitable businesses in the poisoned, top-heavy economic system from which its generals have profited handsomely. The Interior Ministry’s security apparatus — which numbers one and a half million paid agents and informers — has yet to be dismantled, and the draconian Emergency Law remains in full force.

Observers can only hope that the optimism of the Egyptian youth — as illustrated by Ice Queer’s confident enthusiasm — is not misplaced, and that the democratic revolution in which they believe will not be sabotaged, deformed, or debased by the country’s power elite in the months and years to come.

Ice Queer’s blog— which he could not update during much of the revolution due to the Mubarak regime’s shutting down of the Internet — is at http://confessions-room.blogspot.com/. The Human Rights Watch 2004 report on the Mubarak regime’s anti-homosexual campaign and the Cairo 52 incident, “In a Time of Torture: The Assault on Justice in Egypt’s Crackdown on Homosexual Conduct,” is online at hrw.org/en/node/12167/section/2. Doug Ireland can be reached through his blog, DIRELAND, at direland.typepad.com.

Source

Update #1:
Bikyamasr.com also published the interview

Radio interview with Gaydar radio

2011-02-12T16:14:00.000+02:00

„IceQueer“ – der Gay-Blogger aus Ägypten - Siegessäule.de [Updated]

2011-02-12T16:11:00.001+02:00

Er bloggt direkt aus Kairo, ist schwul, geht gegen das Mubarak-Regime auf die Straße und schreibt online über beides – auch wenn es gefährlich ist

SIS 10.2. – „IceQueer“ ist ein Internet-Synonym, seinen richtigen Namen kann er nicht nennen, denn Homosexuelle werden in Ägypten verfolgt. Siegessaeule.de sprach mit dem 22-jährigen, der in Kairo als Assistenzarzt arbeitet.

SIS: Wie erlebst du die Proteste in Kairo? Warst oder bist du am Tahrir Square?
IceQueer: Ich war am ersten und 8. Februar am Tahrir, es war sehr friedlich und ein bisschen wie Karneval. Die Leute rufen ihre Forderungen in Sprechchören, es herrschte eine fantastische Atmosphäre – es ist wie ein neues Utopia!

Was denkst du, wie die junge Generation, die dort protestiert, gegenüber Schwulen und Lesben eingestellt ist?
Die Meinung und Haltung gegenüber Schwulen und Lesben variiert stark von Person zu Person, man kann es also nicht eindeutig sagen. Einigen ist die sexuelle Orientierung anderer einfach egal, andere begründen ihre Haltung auf Religion ... Ich glaube, dass sich die Haltung gegenüber Schwulen und Lesben nicht an einer Generation oder einer sozialen Schicht festmachen lässt, sie ist abhängig von der jeweiligen Art zu denken und zu fühlen. Die ägyptische Jugend ist so vielfältig, ich kann nicht einmal für die Schwulen unter ihnen sprechen. Ich kann nur von meinen eigenen Erfahrungen berichten und glaube, dass diese neue Generation offener und liberaler ist.

In Europa wird oft die Frage diskutiert, was passiert, wenn die Moslem-Brüder an die Macht kämen. Was denkst du als schwuler Mann über die Moslem-Brüder?
Auch wenn ich persönlich nicht pro Moslem-Brüder und auch nicht religiös bin, verdienen sie es gehört zu werden und an der politischen Zukunft Ägyptens teilzunehmen. Ich glaube nicht, dass sie es schaffen, den Präsidenten zu stellen, sie konnten es auch nicht als sie sehr stark waren und Sadat erschossen, wie sollten sie es also jetzt schaffen? Außerdem werden die Tahrir-Proteste nicht für eine bestimmte politische Agenda oder Partei geführt. Wir protestieren für Freiheit, soziale Gerechtigkeit, Demokratie und die elementaren Menschenrechte und viele andere Forderungen. Die nächste Präsidentschaftswahl sollte fair, legal und von Beobachtern begleitet durchgeführt werden, damit der die Wahl gewinnt, den das Volk wählt. Wenn die Mehrheit der Bevölkerung die Moslem-Brüder wählt, wer wäre ich, wer wärest du, das zu verurteilen? Es wären die Leute, die das Volk gewählt hätte und wir alle hätten das zu respektieren.

Was sind deine Hoffnungen für dein Land, was sind deine Hoffnungen für dein Leben und LGBT-Personen?
Ich glaube, alle drei Hoffnungen sind eigentlich eine einzige. Ich bin ja nicht zu den Protesten gegangen, weil ich schwul bin oder Rechte für LGBTs fordere, sondern weil ich das Beste für mein Land will. Wenn sich meine Hoffnungen für Ägypten erfüllen, würden sich auch meine persönlichen Wünsche leichter erfüllen. Zum Beispiel, wenn Ägypten wirklich ein säkularer Staat wird, habe ich mehr Raum zu sein, was ich bin. Und wenn alle Menschen faire Löhne für ihre Arbeit bekommen, werden auch alle mehr von ihrem Leben erwarten können und dadurch auch anderen gegenüber gelassener werden.

Ich habe gehört, das der Tahrir Square vor den Demos ein schwuler Treffpunkt war? Das ist natürlich sehr symbolisch für Freiheit!
Ja, viele cruisen gerne am Tahrir, viele haben auch einfach keinen Zugang zum Internet. Wenn die Polizei früher auf einfache Weise ein paar Homosexuelle verhaften wollte, fuhr sie zum Tahrir. Aber heute findest du da Schwarze, Weiße, Schwule, Heteros, Christen, Muslime, und einfach alle protestieren zusammen auf eine wundervolle, menschliche Art und Weise!

Wie ist die rechtliche Situation in Ägypten für LGBTs?
Es gibt kein Gesetz, das gleichgeschlechtlichen Sex oder Beziehungen verbietet, man wird statt dessen wegen Unzüchtigkeit oder Verstoß gegen die öffentliche Moral angeklagt. Das Problem ist, dass die ägyptischen Polizisten die von ihnen Verdächtigten in sprachliche Fallen locken. Sie sprechen zum Beispiel nur von Unzüchtigkeit und bringen die Opfer dazu, dies auch selbst zu tun, obwohl derjenige vielleicht nur gleichgeschlechtlichen Sex meinte. Das Notfallgesetz erlaubt es der Polizei außerdem, in deine Wohnung einzudringen, ohne einen Durchsuchungsbefehl zu haben.

Spielen Rechte für LGBTs eine Rolle in den momentanen Protesten, oder sollten sie es?
Ich glaube nicht, dass wir schon genug Freiheit oder Demokratie haben, um in Ägypten LGBT-Rechte zu fordern.

Was können LGBTs außerhalb Ägyptens tun, um euch zu unterstützen?
Internationale LGBT-Organisationen haben uns immer geholfen und tun es noch: Sie sorgen dafür, dass unsere Stimme per Internet und Medien gehört werden, sie üben Druck auf die Regierung aus, wenn diese Homosexuelle verhaften lässt und schaffen ein Bewusstsein für unsere Situation.

Musst du als schwuler und kritischer Blogger momentan irgendetwas befürchten?
Die Angst und das Risiko verhaftet zu werden, ist immer da.

Interview: Christian Mentz

Siegessäule.de
======================================

Update #1 (Feb20):

Interview is mentioned also here

My radio interview with Michelangelo Signorile on OutQ radio - US

2011-02-09T18:05:00.002+02:00

You can listen to my interview now on Signorile's blog, tell me what u think?

Cruising is out in Tahrir Square - Updated 12-3-2011

2011-02-05T00:56:00.006+02:00

Cario, 04.02.11

Interview by Dan Littauer with "IceQueer", an Egyptian gay blogger

GME: Tell us a little about yourself...
IQ: I'm 22 years old Egyptian Moroccan guy, I'm a medical intern and interested in activism, politics, religions, music and lots of different things

GME: What is your blog all about?
IQ: It's about my thoughts and my perception of reality. Sometimes I feel it's like a non-stop documentary of some parts of my life and my personality.

GME: When did you start the blog and why?
IQ: I started in July 2008. It was a coincidence and a funny story actually; electricity was off at home so I thought of playing around with my laptop's pen and there it was my first post! Also the blog name in the beginning was "My thoughts & confessions" then I changed it to its current name after the first post.

GME: Do have a lot of gay readers following your blog? What kind of responses are you getting?
IQ: Well I can never be 100% sure of the number of readers/followers because how can you count readers who don't leave comments or follow the blog through blogger but according to the blog's stats, number of comments and number of followers, I guess I've a lot of gay and straight readers following my blog.
I get all kinds of responses and I approve and answer them all, actually comments are some of the things that keep me going and keep writing.

GME: You were in Tahrir square on Tuesday, describe what was it like?
IQ: I guess I was lucky because the day I went to Tahrir's demo was a very peaceful day after police's violence was over and before the attack of Mubarak's thugs (Thursday). It felt amazingly peaceful and cheerful. I loved how diverse yet finally united Egypt is! I was holding a sign saying "Secular" in Arabic, English & French and also my friends(straight, gay, girls, Christian and Muslims) were holding similar signs and we all were chanting that this protest is for the people and not for any party or religion. Everything was really beautiful and looked like a European carnival!

Before internet was shut down, I was very active on my twitter page and facebook raising awareness about how important #Jan25 is and that we all should participate. I never knew that facebook and twitter can be that powerful and that the things you tweet can actually make a change even if it's a little change like correcting someone's information

GME: You mentioned you were helping people in hospital, are there many people hurt? Any of your friends or family?
IQ: Yes, unfortunately many people were injured as the numbers said on News channels. My family and non-Egyptian boyfriend were safe but some of my friends had minor superficial injuries and also 3 guys I know were detained on the 25th of Jan but were released the next day. It's funny that most of Egyptian homosexuals fear police arrest but I was happy that those 3 guys were arrested because of a great cause like Jan25! Very honourable.

GME: We see reports of international journalists being attacked now in Egypt, but how are local journalists and bloggers are being treated?
IQ: Actually it's not about being foreigner or local, it's always about the news agency you work for and the things you blog/tweet about. So the more you are honest and scandalous about the regime, the more chances you get detained!

GME: What kind of changes do the people want to see?
IQ: Like we all chanted; Freedom, Social Justice and Democracy. And all of this will change by removal of Mubarak & his regime, dissolution of Parliament, ending the Emergency state/law and that High Court's judges should supervise the elections.

GME: Do you think there will be a transition to a democracy in Egypt now?
IQ: I'm hopeful that there will be a transition but first we've to get rid of stereotypes and medieval ideologies that unfortunately many people have in Egypt due to lack of proper education. Jan25 all started by the educated and well politically-aware youth of Egypt.

GME: Does this revolution have a leader or leaders?
IQ: No it doesn't have a leader or leaders, it's a revolution by Egypt's youth against a corrupted regime. This revolution is peoples' revolution and doesn't follow any political party or religious party.

GME: Some commentators have expressed their concern about the Muslims Brotherhood’s influence in the case of a change in Egypt, how realistic is such a concern?
IQ: I don't think MBs would have such an "influence" that would affect majority of Egyptians and Egypt.

GME: I suppose its too risky and even counter productive to ask directly for LGBT rights in the protests, but how do you see these issues in the context of the revolution and larger Human Rights agenda?
IQ: You can't ask for lots of changes that have different effect on people, I mean already asking for "Freedom" and "Fall of regime" bedazzled the whole country and its people so imagine what would happen if we asked for LGBT rights?
I believe that Egypt's LGBT community can only have its rights when Egypt becomes a real secular country.

GME: Can you describe the social/cultural situation for LGBT people in Egypt in the last few years?
IQ: It's diverse and it's like most of LGBT communities around the world; you've all kinds of social and culture differences from deeply conservatives to utterly liberal. But the exposure to western media via internet and TV helped a lot of people in understanding more about their sexuality and how to accept it...etc I already see that the new generation takes less time in accepting their sexuality than older generation used to

GME: Can you be out and gay in Egypt?
IQ: It depends on your personality, your social class, your friends and your family. For me, I'm openly gay to my parents and all of my close straight friends.

GME: Are you out to some people in Egypt, and if yes, what kind of responses do you get?
IQ: Like I said before, I'm out to all of my close friends. You get various responses, some would say they wouldn't lose a friend just because you've different preferences in bed, some would go into long tiring debates with you whether homosexuality is sinful or not and whether it's a choice or not...etc. Again it all depends on one's personality, social environment and religious background.

GME: How do people meet each other?
IQ: Mostly through dating website on the internet but you can also meet guys in private house gay parties and gatherings.

GME: Tell us about the legal situation… We understand that although there are no direct laws prohibiting same sex acts, we understand that other laws are enacted, like Public Order & Public Morals (as in the infamous case of Cairo52), and quite a few cases of people arrested through speaking with agents on chat rooms and gay dating websites… Can you elaborate on that?
IQ: Exactly, there is no direct laws prohibiting same sex acts or relationship but they usually affiliate it with Debauchery, Public Morals & Order.
The thing is that most of policemen play around a lot with words and the bugs in Egyptian law, they usually trap suspects by using words like debauchery when they ask them whether they practice same-sex sex or not, so they make suspects admit that they practice "debauchery" even though the suspect may only meant that he practice same-sex sex.
Also the emergency law gives the ability to policemen to check ur apartment without a warranty if they wanted.

GME: Any specific changes, relating to these two issues mentioned above, that Egyptian lesbian, gay, and transgender people hoping to see?
IQ: We're hoping that Egypt would become a real Secular country one day, that's when people learn to accept their differences then they would start accept people who r sexually different than they are.

GME: It’s a little bit symbolic that Tahrir square is also known as a meeting place for gay people, isn’t it?
IQ: Haha yeah I made lots of puns about this exact thing when I met up my friends in Tahrir to protest. I was like "A week ago, if I told you let's meet in Tahrir then go walk down to Kasr El-Nil bridge, you'd have judged me as a sleazy trashy gay guy"

GME: What can the international LGBT community do to help the general situation in Egypt and in particular the LGBT communities in Egypt?
IQ: If democratic political reforms happened in Egypt, international LGBT communities can help a lot of course by putting pressure on Egyptian regime to apply this kind of reforms too which are under the same umbrella of democratic reforms.

(Source: GayMiddleEast)

Update Feb5:

Interview is also published now on LezGetReal

Update Feb9:
-Interview is translated into German and published on Queer.de
-Interview is translated in Spanish and published on Ensentidocontrario
-Interview is published also on Xtra.ca

Update Feb14:

Mentioned in:
-Egypte: des LGBT au coeur de la révolte - Têtu
-C’est plus le moment de draguer sur la Place Tahrir - :: 360° :: le magazine lgbt de Suisse romande
-Egipto y la esperanza LGBT - Dos Manzanas
-Mubarak kaatui - entä nyt? - Ranneliike (Finnish)

Update Feb25:

Translated into Dutch and got published on Holebiplus

Update March12:

-Translated into Turkish and got published on Kaos GL
Mentioned in:
2560 Internacional Egipto y la esperanza LGTB - Gloss Chile

“Ein gewisses Risiko bleibt immer”

2011-01-23T02:30:00.003+02:00

Er ist schwul und schreibt darüber. Nichts weiter besonderes, könnte man meinen. Doch Blogger "Ice Queer" lebt in Ägypten und bricht gleicht doppelt die Tabus: Dort steht Homosexualität unter Strafe und gilt als Krankheit. Über Sex spricht man allgemein nicht. Trotzdem berichtet er von seinen sexuellen Abenteuern. Ein Gespräch über das Coming Out in einem islamischen Land, anschließende Therapieversuche und das Risiko, von der Polizei besucht zu werden.
Interview: Jan Hendrik Hinzel

Schreibt darüber, wie es sich als Schwuler in einem islamischen Land lebt: Blogger "Ice Queer"

Wir treffen uns in einem Café am Nil. Die Haare hat der Blogger "Ice Queer" zu einem Mohawk aufgerichtet. Aus der Tasche seiner engen Hose kramt er eine zerdrückte Schachtel Zigaretten hervor. Er weist noch einmal darauf hin, dass er bitte anonym bleiben wolle. Schließlich ist schwul sein in Ägypten nicht erlaubt. Seit etwa zwei Jahren schreibt er aber darüber. Unter www.confessions-room.blogspot.com erzählt er davon, wie es sich als Schwuler in Kairo leben lässt. In der Selbstbeschreibungsrubrik "Mehr über mich" auf seiner Seite verkündet er: "Dieses Blog ist schon zu viel Information." Und tatsächlich: Er schreibt nicht nur über seine Therapiesitzungen, sondern plaudert auch Details aus seinem Sexleben aus.

Soukmagazine: Wie kommt man dazu, in einem Land, in dem Homosexualität verboten ist, ausgerechnet über sein Sexleben als Schwuler zu schreiben?

Ice-Queer: Es geht ja nicht nur um mein Sexleben. Es geht vielmehr allgemein um mein Leben. Und Sex ist eben ein großer Teil davon. Aber nicht in allen meinen Beiträge geht es um Sex. Ich schreibe oft auch nur meine Meinung zu bestimmten Themen. Es gibt nicht viele Blogs dieser Art und ich hatte eben den Mut dazu.

Soukmagazine: Du gehst aber doch an recht vielen Stellen – auch wenn es um Sex geht, bis ins Detail, beschreibst Personen. Und die Schwulenszene von Kairo gilt als klein. Wie groß ist die Gefahr enttarnt zu werden, wenn jeder jeden zu kennen scheint?

Ice-Queer: Ich verwende in meinem Blog nur falsche Namen. Die Chance, dass meine Identität oder die von irgendwem anders auffliegt, ist gering. Und selbst wenn andere Schwule wissen, wer ich bin: Sie würden mich nicht bei der Polizei verpetzen. Sie sind ja selbst schwul. Da hält man zusammen.

Soukmagazine: Aber nicht alle deiner Bekanntschaften kommen in deinem Blog gut weg. Was, wenn sie sich rächen wollen?

Ice Queer: Viele der beschriebenen Bekanntschaften wissen ja gar nichts von meinem Blog. Und selbst wenn: Dann müsste die Polizei erst einmal beweisen, dass ich der Verfasser bin. Und ich bin ja kein politischer Blogger, der die Regierung kritisiert. Ich schreibe nur über mein eigenes Leben und eben über Sex. Das schert die Polizei einen Dreck. Es wurde noch nie ein schwuler Blogger festgenommen oder sonst irgendwer, der über Sex geschrieben hat. Zumindest nicht, dass ich wüsste.

Soukmagazine: Du klingst fest überzeugt. Wie kannst du dir sicher sein, dass dich nicht doch jemand an die Polizei berichtet?

Ice Queer: Es gibt in allem was du machst immer ein gewisses Risiko. Auch wenn du dich mit jemandem Online verabredest, kann es sein, dass dir dann ein Polizist gegenüber steht. Man kommt aber nicht weiter, wenn man sich zu viele Gedanken macht.

Bisher auf Englisch und jetzt auch auf Arabisch: Ice Queers Blog "Confessions Room".

Soukmagazine: Hast du Angst, irgendwann zensiert zu werden?

Ice Queer: Hier in Ägypten, nein. In Saudi-Arabien bin ich aber schon zensiert. Da war ich zuerst erschrocken. Inzwischen finde ich es aber ganz lustig. Und das spricht sich natürlich auch hier in Ägypten rum. Dann ist das gute Werbung für mein Blog.

Soukmagazine: Wie bekannt ist dein Blog überhaupt unter Kairos Schwulen?

Ice Queer: Einer meiner besten Freunde hat mein Blog gelesen, bevor ich ihn kannte. Er hatte mich auf einer Party angesprochen und ich hatte mich mit meinem marokkanischem (Der Blogger ist halb Marokkaner; Anmerkung der Redaktion) Namen vorgestellt. Den verwende ich auch im Blog ab und zu. Dann hat er nachgefragt und es so rausgefunden. Zur Zeit habe ich etwa 40 regelmäßige Leser. Viele davon kennen auch meine wahre Identität. Je nachdem, was ich schreibe, wird der Link weitergeschickt. Es kann dann schon passieren, dass ich auf einer Party auf Beiträge angesprochen werde.

Soukmagazine: Du beschreibst zum Beispiel, wie du es mit deinem Freund auf der Terasse treibst. Ist es dir nicht peinlich, dass deine Bekannten, die über dich und dein Blog Bescheid wissen, dein Intimleben kennen?

Ice Queer: Nein. Mit meinen Freunden unterhalte mich ja auch einfach so über Sex. Wenn auch nicht immer so im Detail…

Soukmagazine: Deine Leser können deine Blogeinträge kommentieren? Was schreiben sie?

Ice Queer: Viele erzählen von ihren eigenen Erfahrungen oder stellen Nachfragen. Oder sie sagen einfach ihre Meinung. Dabei sind die meisten Einträge eher positiv. Es kommt aber auch vor, dass sich irgendwelche homophoben Typen auf meine Seite verirren und dann ihrem Hass freien Lauf lassen.

Soukmagazine: Wie sehr ist man diesem Hass im Alltag ausgesetzt? Wie lebt es sich überhaupt als Schwuler in Ägypten?

"Mein Therapeut versucht mir einzureden, dass es an meinen Eltern und ihrer Erziehung liegt"

Ice Queer: Es ist immer noch ein Tabuthema und alles spielt sich im Untergrund ab. Ich selbst habe Glück, dass ich meinen Eltern davon erzählen konnte. Sie haben damit keine Probleme, was auch nicht üblich ist in Ägypten. Es hängt auch vieles von der sozialen Schicht ab. In gebildeten Familien ist man da vielleicht toleranter. Wobei man hier auch keine allgemein gültige Aussage treffen kann. Häufig wird es von vielen nach wie vor als Krankheit betrachtet und es gilt als Sünde.

Soukmagazine: Du selbst musstest auch zu einem Therapeuten gehen.

Ice Queer: Ja. Er spricht aber zum Beispiel nicht von einer Krankheit. Er sucht die Ursachen in der Kindheit oder darin, dass ich nie eine heterosexuelle Beziehung hatte und deswegen einfach nicht wüsste, was besser ist. Er versucht mir einzureden, dass es an meinen Eltern und ihrer Erziehung liegt, dass ich schwul bist. Das ist alles Unsinn. Ich hatte eine glückliche Kindheit.

Soukmagazine: Du bist sehr selbstbewusst und gehst offen mit deiner Sexualität um. Wie reagieren andere Schwule auf dich?

Ice Queer: Viele Schwule haben Angst vor mir. Ich bin geoutet und habe in meinem jungen Alter schon einiges ausprobiert. Ich bin jetzt 21 und schon seit sieben Jahren in der Schwulenszene unterwegs. Aber schon allein die Vorstellung, offen schwul zu sein, ist für viele Männer hier unmöglich. Sie hätten viel zu viel Angst vor den gesellschaftlichen Konsequenzen. Ein Coming-Out wäre für manche sicherlich gesellschaftlicher Selbstmord. Ich hingegen muss mir keine wirklichen Gedanken mehr um meinen Ruf machen. Manche sind darauf vielleicht auch neidisch.

Soukmagazine: Was würdest du diesen Schwulen, die ihre Sexualität im Geheimen ausleben müssen, empfehlen?

"Ein Mädchen wird Dir vermittelt. Willst Du einen Jungen, geht das eher schlecht"

Ice Queer: Ich würde ihnen nicht raten, sich zu outen. Bei mir ging es zwar gut. Aber manche würden sicherlich gleich von ihrer Familie verstoßen werden. Und auch sonst: Willst du ein Mädchen kennen lernen, können dir die Eltern ein Date verschaffen. Heiratsoption inklusive.Willst du aber einen anderen Jungen, geht das eher schlecht.

Soukmagazine: Wird sich die Lage für Homosexuelle in Ägypten in den nächsten Jahren ändern? Wenn ja, wie?

Ice Queer: Ich glaube, es wird besser werden. Viele Menschen sind sich mittlerweile überhaupt der Existenz von Schwulen und Lesben bewusst. Manche leugnen bis heute, dass es so etwas gibt. Wir jungen Leute wachsen alle mit westlichen Fernsehserien auf, in denen oft ein schwuler Charakter vorkommt und wo das völlig normal ist. Die Menschen haben immer Angst vor dem, was sie nicht kennen. Aber gerade durch solche Serien werden ihnen vielleicht etwas von dieser Angst genommen.

Soukmagazine: Würdest du deinen Blog ebenfalls als Mittel zur Aufklärung bezeichnen?

Ice Queer: Nein, auf keinen Fall. Hier geht es nur um meine persönlichen Erlebnisse und Meinungen.

Soukmagazine: Wieso schreibst du dann nicht einfach Tagebuch? Wenn du alles öffentlich machst, musst du ja wollen, das dass jemand liest?

Ice Queer: Ja, ich will schon gelesen werden. In den zwei Jahren, die ich jetzt schon schreibe, haben sogar knapp 29 000 Leser meine Seite besucht. Ich war sogar schon in einem Beitrag der BBC. Es geht mir eher um den Gedankenaustausch. Ich möchte, dass die Leute auf meine Beiträge antworten und sehen, wie sie reagieren. Darum mache ich das alles öffentlich.

Soukmagazine: Wie geht es jetzt mit deinem Blog weiter?

Ice Queer: Ich bin mir nicht sicher. Zur Zeit bin ich etwas uninspiriert. Vielleicht will ich das alles später als Buch herausbringen. Dafür muss ich aber erst noch einige Dinge mehr erleben, über die ich schreiben kann.

(Source: http://www.soukmagazine.de/leben/ein-gewisses-risiko-bleibt-immer/ )

Limbo

2011-01-09T20:30:00.000+02:00

It's been so long since I last wrote something. Sometimes I write down random thoughts that cross my mind, sometimes I visualize a post in my head but I don't get inspired enough to fully write it on my blog. I used to be more private about what goes on on my mind in order not to freak people out or provoke them but in the last couple of years I became more and more open about expressing my mind & my emotions to my friends and specially my boyfriend to the extent that a blog doesn't make it for me anymore. It does no longer satisfy my sick urge to break and push people's limit to the extreme.

I'm looking now into this (700 x 340 pixel) box where me & my alter-ego are supposed to type what we want to express to the whole virtual world, although the box can expand with words as much as I want but I've a feeling that I grew out of it. I can't expand with it and it won't respond back, it's too submissive, it doesn't challenge me enough and no matter how much it expands, I can still feel its lame limits.
It doesn't bond with me like how Snow in Vienna did! It's not that cold, calm, powerful, shiny and Icy. But even though I connected with the snowy nature and had my lovely boyfriend with me, there was always an itching feeling that there is something missing; sometimes it itched me in the shape of my friends back in Cairo, sometimes it itched as homesickness, sometimes it itched as missing challenges when it was so easy to get anyone I want in the club or sexclub or sauna or online with no chase or the need to communicate verbally.
I got so confused with those mixed feelings, itches and the idea of moving to Europe. I felt like I'm in a state of limbo and wondered If one wakes up at a different time, in a different place, could one wakes up as a different person?

There I was, enjoying(slightly abusing) the near-perfect European life standards so why I was missing grumpy old Cairo? The idea of "Identity of one changes with how one perceives reality" made me realize that it took me loads of time and effort to reach a certain belonging to Egypt/Cairo as a living life and that I'm not sure if I can go through this whole process again somewhere else. It will be like building my whole life all over again? I'm very satisfied now with my boyfriend, my close friends and how my life is going in Egypt. I can make it better in the future for sure but I'm not sure if I'll be able to switch off, restart and then switch on in a different place!

But then again the "Living in limbo is better than dying in jail?" question and the idea that at some point my bf will leave Egypt are still killing me!

Gayja-vu?

2010-11-11T22:45:00.000+02:00

"So tell you what? We're gonna forget about Mr. Huxley today and we're gonna talk about fear. Fear, after all, is our real enemy. Fear is taking over our world. Fear is being used as a tool of manipulation in our society. It's how politicians peddle policy. It's how Madison Avenue sells us things that we don't need. Think about it. Fear of being attacked. Fear of that there are communists lurking around every corner. Fear of that some little Caribbean country that doesn't believe in our way of life poses a threat to us. Fear that black culture may take over the world. Fear of Elvis Presley's hips. Actually, maybe that one is a real fear. Fear that our bad breath might ruin our friendships. Fear of growing old and being alone. The of that we're useless and that no one cares what we have to say."
Prof. George Huxley - "A single man" movie

After watching this outstanding movie, this particular quote moved me a lot. I related to it and felt that it spoke to me, I actually wrote about fear in my very first blog post!
We all live in fear indeed! But it's not only about what we are afraid of, I believe it's more about our inner fears. No matter how well we hide them and how much we want to believe that there is nothing out there to fear! We all get into "fear" episodes every now and then; Fear that one of the gay-affiliated places in Egypt would turn into another "Queen boat" fiasco. Fear that one day the country's regime would drive you into seeking asylum in an European/Western country. Fear that one day you'd get arrested because I'm a homosexual blogger. Fear of self-loathing homosexuals even more than homophobes. Fear that blogs like mine and yours would be blamed by closeted-cases for spotting the light on homosexuals in Egypt. Fear that my blog would be some kind of a self-documentary that I'd hate one day. Fear that others unreason you in order to safeguard their own idea of reality. The Fear of both atheists and believers that their belief could be just an Utopian escape/denial from reality. Fear that my parents would know about my atheism. Fear that Salafism would become the norm!

Fear that you're too narcissistic that you'd turn yourself on. Fear of the truth that you could be too much of a whore. Fear that your eyes would squint instead of rolling back in your head while orgazming. Fear of losing your sexual stamina. Fear that you were just caught up in the moment and it meant more to you than the other person. Fear that others don't see hickeys sexy and aphrodisiac but rather unclassy and cheap. Fear of HIV!
Fear that you might have messiah complex but you don't know it yet, and this explains all the corrupted guys you have dated. Fear of love to the extent that it takes you some time to truly believe that you are in love. Fear that you'd miss your single life although you are in a healthy relationship. Fear that your bf would easily leave you. Fear that you'd screw up your relationship because you are too self absorbed to put yourself in anyone else's shoes. Fear that you would suffocate your better half with your draining love. Fear that you'd get sexually bored of your bf. Fear that your mood swings would become so severe to the extent that you'd swing out of love. Fear that you lose the one you love because of reasons beyond you and him. Fear that a feisty Pisces would bite off your Scorpio tail and head one day!

Fear that you won't attend a Madonna's concert before you die or she quits, whichever is sooner. Fear that you're really as stereotypical as everybody else. Fear of not belonging. Fear of not liking it if you belonged. Fear of feeling so left out. Fear of losing control. Fear that things don't end up the way you want. Fear of making no sense. Fear of making too much sense. Fear of letting go. Fear of losing your possessions. Fear that even your thoughts would be judged. Fear of rather being good than happy. Fear that you're not as good or evil as people give you credit for. Fear that you would no longer differentiate between sins and evil. Fear that you would no longer be able to quiet that voice in your head that keeps saying "maybe I shouldn't!". Fear that you would get completely startled and donno what to say. Fear that you reduce to hysterics under the slightest bit of stress. Fear that you'd become so anti-social that the bathroom of any party/place would be your only sanctuary. Fear that people just make different choices but in the end life is all hard for us. Fear that you may be subconsciously pushing your friends into ending their friendship with you. Fear that everything and everyone in your life could be just a toy whether sexual or emotional or friendlish one..etc and you keep changing them or swinging from one to another then destroying it. Fear of cutting your hand not to die but to erase your inner pain by physically outing it to the world. Fear of self destruction...!

The amount of fears varies and that's how our personalities are shaped and how our inhibitions & repressions are made up, but what calm down your fears is your friends, your beloved one or maybe your psychiatrist and sometimes your drug of choice!

Ich habe keine Geduld!

2010-10-17T09:44:00.001+02:00

I feel that for my entire life, I've always been running in some kind of a mental marathon and I've rarely caught my breath. I keep running away from the past, pushing the present and running so fast to the future. Running against social norms and violating them. Running against livid states of body, running against useless emotions, running over my demons, running into nihilistic states of mind. Running into denial, running away from denial, running away from my mother's sheer pressure, running away from my father's passive aggression, running away from psychological clichés, running into dehumanizing, running with an agenda, running to scheming, plotting and manipulating. Running with questions, running for answers, running with snide sarcasm. Running over thorns to get my roses. Running away from gray zones, preconceptions and prejudice. Running far beyond my limits, my age, my maturity and my perception. Running to perfection, running away from the void, emptiness, living bubbles. Running away from my ivory tower.

I feel that my body is trapped in the present while my mind is in the future and my soul keeps going back and forth, sometimes it stays in a twilight zone and sometimes it goes in a different tense of time that I'm not sure how to explain but it's more like an oblivion or a parallel world!

I also feel that I push others to run when they cover up their failures by their self-claimed mental disabilities. Also When they think they can't keep up running with me, when they get intimidated, when they run back to their cocoons, when they inhibit their inner whore, when they are not cavalier about love and sex. When they are a Freudian nightmare, when they cling into norms, when they make a whole gay parade out of it. When they think they are right, when they think they are wrong. When I see right through them and when they no longer challenge me.

But the worst thing is to stop running, you feel empty and maybe that's how we get asphyxiated and the after-life is just the complete void that you keep running away from!

So shall I stop or shall you stop me? Or Who should stop whom?

P.S I already have two unfinished posts in draft but I don't know what happened that made my thoughts flow smoothly into writing this post, but I like it when this kind of inspiration happens randomly!

De Vienna rowda mel Ganna!

2010-09-13T13:36:00.003+03:00

I really donno where or how to start writing about my trip to Vienna to celebrate 1st anniversary with Sunny. The city is really amazing; well-organized, breathtaking architecture, great urban planning and it's too green that it looked like a big golf course from the plane! You also get to feel at night that "the city really slept". When everything closes down. When you feel that every simple thing has a sound, so you start wondering what kind of shape does the silence have? A shape of an umbrella to protect you against the rain of the little noise that the city has? Or maybe it's a package, where the secret comes from!

Being with Sunny in his home country was amazing, I saw a side of him that I never saw before. It made me feel him more, his culture, his way of thinking, his lifestyle. I was so happy when he was showing me around and telling me this and that about his country and its endless stories.
It was the perfect timing in our relationship for this trip, Although I was a little bit worried if it will be suffocating to live together for 2 weeks but to the contrary, it felt great! I loved every second of it! I loved the idea of being able to instantly tell him anything on my mind without having to text him or call him or waiting until I see him. I also feel-now that I'm back to Cairo-that now is the time for the step of moving in together so that our relationship grow even more.
Being the "foreigner" felt kind of weird but in a good way, they don't stare at you in the streets like here in Egypt, nobody would judge you or point or make fun of you even if you were wearing a crazy outfit. It makes you feel that people here in Egypt have literally got no life, they are stuck in a vicious circle of corrupted or misunderstood religions, politics, norms..etc!
It was very liberating not to feel "odd" or "not fitting in" or to be able to kiss in public(cheesy but I couldn't help it) or publicly display intimacy or simply not having to "justify your love"! I felt it even more when I've met his family, had dinners with them, got closer to them, felt welcomed and they're just so...so complete in a way. Like they have something that I will never have, ever. Either I wasn't born with it, or it was beaten out of me, or maybe, maybe I made myself into a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I really am a borderline personality. Or maybe I excessively believed that you cannot design a life that works without first drafting a clear blueprint. And you cannot construct a life that has meaning without first laying a solid foundation. You are the architect of your life. Not your emotionally distant father. Not your overly critical mother. Not your petty, fair-weather friends. You!
It made me wonder; what are we supposed to believe? That the same god who made us wants us to be lonely & frustrated all our lives while the rest of world is free to make love and have families? And if it's what God intended, to have a family, to have faith, and to have a normal life. And if God challenges us like this, so we'll choose good, so we'll triumph over evil. Then it's not a choice. God already made the choice for me!

Being with someone really changes you somehow. You become less self-centered. You start thinking about everything in your life in a different way, even the little tiny details. You smile whenever your partner thinks or says the same thing like you in the same time. You wouldn't feel insecure when he sees through your walls. You feel that there is still more to your relationship in the future just when you see a certain look in his eyes, or when you discover interesting sides of him every now and then, or when he discovers a new spot in your body that you never knew before how much it turns you on, or when your anniversary dinner is on the Danube just like how your first date was on the Nile!

P.S the post title is a tribute for Asmahan's "Layali El Ons" song about Vienna
PPS you can follow me on twitter now!

In a search for a sanctuary

2010-08-04T23:25:00.003+03:00

I don't really know what I'm supposed to feel right now. Is anger what I'm feeling right now? Or is it depression? or being clueless? or just plain sadness? And if it's any of that, who or what should I be feeling that at/about?
Psychology says that when you lack empathy and don't know what emotion you are feeling or should be feeling then you are a psychopath. So, am I one?
They say that psychopathy can get a bad rap. it doesn't necessarily mean you are violent. Just that you're completely without conscience, you lack any normal emotion, you manipulate everyone around you, you're promiscuous and you lie pathologically.

What am I supposed to do when I feel clueless? when I'm trying so hard to get a travel permit to leave the country just for two weeks to celebrate my anniversary with my better half but the military authorities make it harder and harder for me, no matter how hard I try! And just because they have more power over you, they abuse it to feel superior or to feel a pathetic sense of self-worth. I wish that just once people wouldn't patronizingly act like the clichés that they are!
I mean what's the worst thing that would happen? that I'd leave, never come back and skip my ridiculous army nonsense service? Even if that happened, so what?! Why do they give a fuck! We are a population of 80 million, what will tragically happen if one or two or even a million guy left and skipped their obligatory service? They already can skip the service even without leaving the country, so it's not logical at all what they are doing!

And it even pisses me off more when people think they can control your life just because they have bigger power over you. If you are living in a third world country that is ruled by the army then all military authorities have more power over you. If you are living in a country that's not secular then all men of religion have a power over you. Well, fuck you all! You all need to understand that you can't control things. Nobody can. There's only one thing that's certain; Everything changes.

I'm not blowing this out of proportion and I'm not acting like a drama queen. I'm just so pissed right now. I wish I can just get upset without having to focus on what's really making me upset! ARGHH!@#*^%$^!

حين ميسرة

2010-07-12T20:23:00.015+03:00

This post had to be written in Arabic slang(you'll know later why) and it contains explicit sexual content which of course will be more tearing to your eyes when it's written in Arabic slang, also because BBC said that we(Egyptian gays) are more comfortable talking about sex only in English, so here you go! And you've been warned!

التدوينة دى كان لازم تبقى بالعامية المصرية(هتعرفوا السبب بعد شوية)و محتواها ممكن يكون ابيح زيادة عن اللزوم لشوية منكم و لشوية تانيين لأ! بس انا واثق ان السعودية حتحمد ربنا انها منعت البلوج بتاعى من قبل ما التدوينة دى تتنشر

المشهد الأول
سافرت اسكندرية يوم الاتنين اللى فات مع ماما و اختى عشان نغير جو و كمان كان بفى لهن سنين ما راحوش اسكندرية. المهم, نزلنا فى شقة كان الشارع بتاعها ضيق فخفت على العربية(السيارة بالسعودى) تتخبط او تتجرح, فبواب العمارة(كتر خيره) قال لى ان فى جراج بعدينا بعمارتين ممكن اركن فيه بعشرة جنيه فى الليلة, فدخلت الجراج و ركنت, الجراج عبارة عند ارض كبيرة فاضية ملك شركة ما و بانيين عليها بيوت صغيرة كدا شبه العشوائيات نوعا ما.

نفس اليوم باليل لما دخلت الجراج تانى بعد ما كنت مع اهلى شفت "عبده" سايس من سياس الجراج! طويل, رفيع, ناشف, عنده دقن تقيلة, حالق شعره, من الاخر شكله دكر نيك و بابتسامة و شفايف بنت وسخة! فقلت افتح معاه اى حوار; سألته(بشرمطة شوية) لو ينفع يغسلى العربية و عرفت اسمه ايه و ان الناس بتقول له عبده.
طلعت البيت و مش فى دماغى حاجة لأن انا عمرى ما عملت حاجة مع اللى زى عبده, كانوا دايما بالنسبة لى بيبقوا مجرد فانتازى اتخيلها و اهيج عليها(الفانتازى) مع نفسى و اجيبهم بس عمرى ما جربت اعمل معاهم حاجة لانه كنت بحس ان شكلى مش الشكل اللى يعجبهم, كنت بحس دايما انهم بيحبوا البييض المقلوزين المدلعين و الجيرلى شوية, ده غير انى ما عملتش حاجة قبل كده مع اى حد مش جاي اصلا!

تانى يوم نزلت لقيت العربية ما اتغسلتش لسه و لقيت عبده عند بوابة الجراج, فلومته على عدم غسيلها, فاعتذر لى و مسح الازاز و قال لى بليل هيغسلهالى كلها و خرجت بعديها مع اصحابى اعمل شوبنج و بعدين رجعت البيت تانى عشان استنى خالى لما يجي و اقعد معاه شوية قبل ما اخرج اسهر, فدخلت الجراج و لقيت عبده فقلت له انى زعلان منه اوى عشان ما غسلش العربية امبارح فلقيته فتح باب العربية و ركب جانبى و قال لى ادخل عشان يركنلي العربية, استغربت شوية بس انتهزت الفرصة و سألته على رقم موبايله عشان اكلمه باليل و انا راجع عشان يعرف العربية مركونة فين و يغسلها.
ركنت فى حتة ضالمة شوية و لقيت عبده بيسألنى لو معايا سيجارة, فاديته واحدة بحسن نية, راح هو مطلع حتة حشيش صغيرة و قالى هيعمل معايا احلى واجب....انا شفت منظر عبده و هو راكب جانبى و نور الصالون منعكس على وشه و الحشيش و السجاير على حجره, هجت فى ثانية زى المراهق اللى هيعمل سكس لأول مرة فى حياته!
طلعنا برة العربية و سموكنا الݘوينت و قعدت افتح معاه مواضيع على الجواز و الهيجان و التعب اللى الشباب فيه الخ الخ الخ و حكى لى انه كان سهران مرة مع واحد ليبى و كان الليبى ده جايب شراميط بس هو(عبده) مالوش فى السكة دى...المهم خلصنا الݘوينت و قال لى ان الموضوع ده يبقى سر بيننا, قلت له اكيد و قلت له كمان انى هكلمه و انا مروح باليل عشان نسموك ݘوينت سوا فى العربية!

قابلت صاحبى و حكيتله على اللى حصل و انا مش مصدق! فقلت له انى لازم اعمل اى حاجة مع عبده و ان الموضوع هيبقى سهل دلوقتى بعد الخطوة اللى عبده عملها معايا, بس انا ما كنتش عايز يبقى فى فرصة لاى احراج بينى و بينه(عبده) لو اتشرمط عليه وجها لوجه!
فقلت انا و صاحبى ان احنا نكلم عبده من موبايله(صاحبى) و نتشرمط عليه و نشوف ايه نظامه!
و حصل اللى كان نفسى فيه! قعدنا نتشرمط عليه لحد ما عبده قال لصاحبى "تعالى و انا هظبتك و ارووحك مبسوط على الاخر بس انت تستحمل زبرى!"

المشهد الثانى
حششت مع صاحبى و جهزت ݘوينت عشان اسموكه مع عبده, و دخلت الجراج لقيت عبده قاعد على كرسى و فاتح رجله و زبره شكله يهبل فى البنطلون و عينه لمعت اول ما شافنى و دخل العربية و على وشه ابتسامة وسخة نيك!
قلت له تعالى نركن فى حتة متدارية عشان نبقى براحتنا, فركنت جنب ميكروباص و قدامى سور و فى جنبى التانى سور. عبده قالى اطفى نور العربية فطفيته و ولعت الݘوينت و سألنى عملت ايه النهارده و ايه نظامى...الخ الخ فسألته اذا كان فى ازازه ميا فى الباب اللى جنبه, و روحت موطى عليه عشان اشوفها موجودة ولا لأ و روحت محسس على زوبره و انا طالع, فعبده ضحك و قال لى عادى و خد راحتك..فقعدت العب له فى زوبره شوية من فوق البنطلون فقال لى تعالى نطلع بره العربية.
فطلعت و روحت له, قال لى لف فلفيت و بقى هو واقف فى ضهرى بين العربية و الميكروبس, قال لى ظيزك حلوة نيك و سألنى عايزه؟ فلت له اسنتى عايز امصه ليك الأول, فشدنى من ايدى و جابنى ورا الميكروباص, روت نازل على ركبى على الارض اللى كانت حواليها زبالة و قلبى عمال يدق فى الثوانى اللى بنزل فيها عشان امص له, راح منزل البنطلون شوية و خرجلى زوبره و ماكنش لابس اندر وير و كان زوبره كبير و على الغير المتوقع كان نضيف اووووى حتى كان حالق شعر زوبره...انا شوفت المنظر ده و بصيت لزوبره و للفوطه البرتقالى بتاعات الغسيل اللى فى جيبه و بصيت لفوق على وشه و على المكان حوالينا, حسيت انى فى فيلم حين ميسرة! كنت فى قمة هياجانى, فقعدت امصله و بعدين اخد نفس من الݘوينت و بعدين امصله و فضلت على كده لحد ما شدنى لقوق و لفنى و تف على زوبره عشان يدخله, انا روحت فاتح طيزى بايد و بسموك بالايد التانية و فجأة حسيت بألم مميت فى طيزى فصرخت و زقيته عبده لورا و بعدين لقيت صوت الكلاب جاى من بعيد و بيقرب ناحيتنا! فلبست شورتى بسرعة و عبده وقفنى وراه و قعد يبعد الكلاب عنى و قال لى تعالى نشوف حتة تانية!

فضلت ماشى وراه جوة الجراج بندور على حتة ينيكنى فيها, اتكلمنا شوية و سألنى ليه ما قلتلوش من اول ما جيت على طلبى فقلت له ما كنتش اعرف ان طلبى عندك و بعدين سألنى اذا كنت نمت مع رجالة كتير قبل كده فقلت له لأ مش كتير اوى هم كام واحد و خلاص..فضلنا ماشيين و بنتكلم و لقيته وقف عند اوضة ضالمة و قال لى ادخل جوا بس ما تعملش صوت, سألته و انا مرعوب(و زوبرى واقف فى نفس الوقت) هو فى حد جوة؟ قال لى لأ بس ما تعملش صوت و دخل هو و انا بصيت حواليا و دخلت وقفلت الباب ورايا و كانت الاوضة ضالمة كحل فقلت له عبده انا مش شايف حاجة! فشدنى من ايدى و نزلنى على زوبره و قال لى مص ياض! قعدت امصله بتاع 5 دقايق كده و بعدين راح مقومنى و لفنى تانى و دفس زوبره جوايا و فضل ثابت من غير حركة ثوانى و بعدين ابتدا ينيك على خفيف و احنا واقفين و هو حاضنى فشخ و بإيد بيلعبلى فى زوبرى و بالإيد التانية ماسكنى من كتفى و شاددنى عليه!
انا حسيت انى فى الجنة! بس نزلت على الارض تانى لما افتكرت انى بتناك بيرباك! فقلت له مش قادر يا عبده خرجه فاستنى دقيقة و بعدين خرجه و فال لى اي خدمة, تمام كده يا بيه؟ قلت له استنى اجيبهم, فاستنى كده دقيقتين بس انا ما عرفتش اجيبهم و انا واقف على رجلى و
موجوع فقلت له خلاص يلا بينا!

قال لى انه متجوز اتنين فضحكت و قلت له يا بختهم بيك فقال لى بس انا على كده عايز علبة لبن عشان اكفيك انت و ام العيال! و بعدين سألنى لو عايز حد تانى يظبطنى معاه! انا طلعت الجنة تانى بعد الجملتين دول و ضحكت و قلت له ماشى بس ابقى وريهولى الاول و انا اقول لك رأي, عشان انا بحب اللى معايا يبقى شكله دكر كده زيك, فضحك و قال لى ماشى يا بيه!

المشهد الثالث
تانى يوم لقيت عبده بيسألنى معايا حشيش ولا لأ و اذا اعرف اجيبله واحدة بنت يظبطها و كده فقلت له ان شاء الله و قلت له احتمال اجيب حشيش بالليل, و بعدين و انا بتمشى للعمارة قعدت اقول لنفسى هو هيعد يقرفنى بقى فى الطالعة و النازلة ولا ايه, لأ انا لازم افهمه انى مش عايز وجع دماغ!
و طلعت البيت و اتفقت مع اصحابى هنتقابل امتى و هنسهر فين النهادره, بعدين دخلت استحميت و لبست نفس الشورت اللى كنت لابسه لعبده امبارح و قعدت اعمل شعرى قدام المرايا, فجأة حسيت انى ميرﭭت من فيلم "بئر الحرمان" لما كانت بتنزل كل ليلة بنفس الفستان الاحمر و تنام مع السواق فى الجراج!

المهم نزلت و محضر فى دماغى الكلام اللى هقوله لعبده لو جه يصدعنى تانى, بس لقيته بيعرفنى على واحد اسمه رمضان على اساس ان رمضان ده يطلعلى العربية من الركنة, و لقيت رمضان ده مبسوط بنفسه اوى و بيبصلى و بيغمزلى, فطلعت بالعربية و رجعت لعبده و قلت له ايه يا عبده ده؟ قال لى ايه رأيك يا بيه فى رمضان؟ قلت له ده شكله مش حلو و كبير و رفيع فى نفسه كده, ايه يا عم ده! قال لى بس ده كورباك يا بيه! قلت لأ بلاش قرف! انا قلت لك انا عايز حد دكر زيك كده مش اللى انت جايبهولى ده! فضحك و قال لى خلاص ماشى يا بيه, و بعدين قلت له انا مسافر بكرا و مش عارف هاجى تانى امتى, قال لى ماشى سلام يا صاحبى و ابتسم و قال لى كلمنى لما تيجى اسكندرية تانى!

و سافرت و انا على امل انى اشوفه تانى لما اروح اسكندرية المرة الجاية, هدخل الجراج و اركن و عبده يركب(العربية مش حاجة تانية) و تبقى احسن عشرة جنيه دفعتها فى حياتى!

ملحوظة: عبده و رمضان مش موجودين فى اى صورة من الصور بس فى صورة للأوضة
ملحوظة 2: العربية لسة ما اتغسلتش لحد دلوقتى

Wrinkle wrinkle bigger scar!

2010-07-07T05:48:00.002+03:00

Another year, another post, another reflection, another weirdness feeling when checking old posts and their comments, another mixed feelings of happiness, pride and worrying, will it last? How long will I still be able to push the envelope? Do I get better or worse or standing still? Shall I stop blogging after I got featured on Cleo magazine, appeared on BBC, doing an interview with a German radio station soon and getting blog-ly blocked in KSA?

Anyhow, my Cancerian blog is two years old now and as a tradition; I'm dedicating the post to my readers and their comments!

I totally agree with u sara!

Ice, ice, ice, ego is a bad ally, don't u think that putting ur armor back on will just lock u inside urself even more? I mean after all, whether the shrink is right or wrong he hits ur most tender spots, moves u from ur being ok with the current situation, even if it is painful, to a better one. Therapies are not easy, and they never make u feel better, in fact they r tough and painful and exhausting, but after all, u don't grow a tree by just throwing a seed, u have to break ur back with hard work to finally see just a tiny fragile sprout, and then u work even harder to keep it alive.
I personally would keep on moving forward instead of trying to go backwards to the pre-therapy you.

p.s.Try the car before buying it?!!!
By MariannE_N on "The exorcism of the gay me!"

I really wonder how the shrink and the parents will ever make it for you for all those horrible moments when they made you feel as though something was wrong with you. The shrink should be helping you and your parents come to terms with who you really are and that's it!
By Marwa Rakha on "Self-degaying, self-decaying?"

surprisingly i know IQ personally and know he is not making it up...

Marwa.. i do like your comment but again thats in an idealistic world... though.. when in the real world we have to tip toe across what lies beneath us.. i just cant and help of think of one thing IQ.. fast forward five years from now and how you will remember this time... i believe at this moment reading your latest post i can say hatred towards the family beginning to start... becareful of that as you dont want to start a rift.. remember you are still co-dependent on them .. and not your friends since you dont work .. and you are still a university student...

you know about me... you know i am going through something similiar yet not so similar as you are dealing only with your whole family i am dealing with my brother... where as you are very defensive on them... i am actually starting to open up my mind to other things.. not turning str8 because he does accept that i am gay .. they just want me to live in a celibate life... either way... the beautiful thing with my brother he doesnt expect something to occur from one day... he doesnt expect me to become straight.. he is geniunly concerned of my after life...

now what i am trying to say is you have to admit regardless if we are gay or str8 me and you push the limits sometimes....

how many sex partners we had in the past 4 years ?
how many drunken weeks/weekends have we had in the past year ?
mow much drugs have we consumed ?

maybe when yo go tell your therapist you want to be str8 he wont believe you directly ... so why not tell him you want to be the best version of YOU... tell i want to take baby steps first ... by cutting down on drinking and sex etc... and regardless of your therapist advise or what deep down you do know that cutting down on that its good for us... not only on religious level, but for your body, mind, soul.
By Q on "Self-degaying, self-decaying?"

We should remember that it's difficult to have a dialogue with young guys about insecurities or ambiguity or uncertainty. For example, you can bust open your heart to a young guy and you'll get a cliche response like: "You shouldn't care what people think" or "You have to live for what's important to you" or "You have to be yourself" without understanding that, first, you already understand all that a lot better than they do, and second, part of understanding is an awareness that you can't maintain meaningful work or personal relationships without caring what other people think, and third, that said young guy (and all young guys) himself cares more about what people think than he even realizes yet.

I know my example is painting all young guys with the same heavy brush stroke. The "You shouldn't care what other people think" is just an example. We young folks have a multitude of untested Oprah-style slogans that we are just beginning to explore. I'm probably the poster-boy when it comes to my own mind fuckery, so I'm interested in Q's position and the ensuing discussion.

Mr Q is just another example of the young gay guy testing out what works and doesn't work in his lifestyle. Hopefully, he finds his way.
By Guerrilla Sodomite on "Self-degaying, self-decaying?"

There is one thing to have a religious fetish, and its a totally different thing to resort to distasteful insinuations to increase your readership.
I personally find it pathetic and a very sad excuse for being "controversial".
But then again, ever the attention-seeking queen that you are, you will do anything to get people talking about what you "write", if I can call it "writing" at all.
And what I find absolutely infuriating is that pseudo-serious attitude you take towards established religion.
You are not "taking down" religion, God forbid, to actually critique it or give us some new insight, or even let us question age-old negative attitudes, no, you are being vulgar, disrespectful with half-baked ideas that are very badly written!
If you don't have anything better to say about homoeroticism of same-sex communities or the traditions that Muslims believe in (being negative or positive) than you would do us all a big favor and keep your "intense, sexy Scorpio" mouth shut!!
By E on "Sin-me my Sunni!"

Oh Man you are gifted...with such overly smart way of writing and all..how long does it take you to write such amazing posts?!! La2 the point is it's not just crafty well-written la2 w so professionally funny kaman, and believe me I don't say that so often.. :)

Oh man...that's all I can say right now...donno what's with me, it's like I can't comment anymore..it's like I khalas can't write anything simple and fathomable...hehe but I liked this post A LOT that I had to write anything...

ROCK ON...and keep us updated.
By Innate_Inanenuss on "Sin-me my Sunni!"

You've got quite a few people going down on you spIce (and not in the good way). I'd say they should press the red X in the corner so they can get off (again, not in the good way), but I believe topics like this can use a little more fight club, get some discussion aroused (one last time, not in the good way).

Scene I. Once I find out that the most attractive man in the world is one of those Amr Khaled sheep I am absolutely turned off, yet you seem to be on the opposite end. It is interesting how you channel your feelings into a sexual energy. You might not support suicide bombers, but you sure like to see those Muslim brothers blow.

Scene II. Also interesting is how you've painted a preternatural battle of powers, your faith in astrology vs the veil of organized religion. You follow your own orthodoxy to joust with others, a yin yang effect almost.

Scene III. On this I actually do have intellectual differences with you on using the word "womanizer", which is usually used as an insult. Not only does it seem quite odd that you would use this term on someone when you yourself actively sexually objectify other individuals, but this is a misnomer to describe one of the most influential figures in human history. I understand it was made in the context of a joke and the endowment of your friend, however I do advocate you to separate the religious aesthetics of this man and study the role he played socially and politically to become so successful on the level of a secular leader, notable atheist and non-Muslim historians in the West have written their appreciation of his accomplishments.

Sounds like you had a lot of fun nevertheless :D

kel sana wento salmeen!
By Guerrilla Sodomite on "Sin-me my Sunni!"

Only sick minds think of a same-sex friendship as something sexual. One word comes to mind reading what you wrote "human devils" or "shayateen al ens". Do you know what does that mean? do you realize that you seem to only view life from a sexual point of view? do you realize that you are luring others to sins as well? do you ever think of the results of what you are doing?how could you even dream of having a stable life even with another same-sex person when you are bed hopping like that?
So, since this is how you feel about the religion you "officially" belong to, i take it you do not play pretend-fasting? I also take it that you are taking steps to make sure you are not listed as Muslim and revealing the sad truth to your parents that you do not care for them, you do not care for your end, you do not care for the money spent to send you to a doctor to help you out.
What is it with many who are in the business of insulting holy religions particularly Islam in our society that in real life they are nothing but cowards. You choose to conceal your reality, you play pretend-Muslim the whole time you have no balls to come out not about your sexual abnormal choices, not about your choice not to believe in Islam (which is fine as long as u realize that your freedom not to worship any does not equal the freedom to insult a prophet or a religion).
Show us you have the balls you keep on bothering us about.
By Anonymous on "Sin-me my Sunni!"

I think it's funny how EVERYONE is critiquing you. If you're offended you're offended. Don't manufacture the context of this post according to your own offended perception. Take the piece for the context in which it was written. I think it says a lot about a person when they can't keep objectivity. E, I'm talking about you. It's unattractive and highly unintelligent for a person to skew their perceptions of context to fuel their anger.
By Anonymous on "Sin-me my Sunni!"

I am trying to understand how you are forced to be homosexual.
How is that different from someone straight who is a sex addict? or someone who likes to be with too many women or men? Dont you think that each one of us was given a temptation (probably a set of them but theres always one that is stronger than the others)? wanting to be rich, wanting to have more money and possessions,women, men, drinking, fame, liking ppls praise, sickness of some kind, lack of kids, difficult kids, etc. Do you believe that all ppl give in? Would you say that most give in?
IQ you mentioned that you found yourself cursed in all religions well, do you think God asks us not to do things just to annoy us? Isnt there a legit reason for the few things we are asked not to do, few in comparison to the millions of things we are allowed to do? I personally understood God as not hating any one, if we are asked not to do something its because in the end its not good for us and us does include me and the overall benefit of the society.
Why picking and caring so much about the ekhwan and monakabat? I believe in the religion but likewise I never liked their preaching and I dnt like how many of their girls misunderstood (in my opinion) the whole purpose and aims of the religion but I dnt get bothered to that extent. For me, you are just like them the extreme, each on the opposite side of it of course.
Finally, for me it feels this is not the same person who wrote the prev post. I dnt know which one is you or how the two of them co-exist (apparently they do). I do hope you find the right path because beyond all this I believe your mind is still asking and wondering and your heart is not at all settled. The most difficult thing is to take a step back and away from where we are and to really think and look for the answers and the answers in this particular issue are not easy at all.
By Anonymous on "There is no such thing as talent, there is pressure?"

As long as you are happy being gay, the rest doesn't matter.
Religion isn't oppression, God regardless of the name is Freedom, so be happy and choose a partner that loves you truly :)
By Anonymous on "There is no such thing as talent, there is pressure?"

This is definitely a post to remember, I mean, every diva in the gay world remembers every bitch who happened to hit her head on the pavement & decide to stand up to the grand diva .. BRING IT OUT BIATCH.. Loved the analogy

Great post, it is sad I didn't catch it en temporum.
By OpeRon on "A post to remember"

lol i gotta give it to you some of the shit you write is really funny and clever. retro-baptism. loves it.
By M on "Your dick before we click! [Republished]"

So here are my thoughts about your post
-Last post got me over my homophobia,but now i think that everyone's Gay!
-anyway you are 20-ish why are you sleeping with a 40 y/o?!
-I'm not judging here,but couldnt you atleast not have sex during Ramadan!
-and i dont understand the last part,you Slept With Three Professors at The AUC?!
-There are 3 Gay professors at AUC *still not judgin,just wondering*:D
By Anonymous on "Your dick before we click! [Republished]"

For some, sex is the appetizer, for others it's just the entire meal, and for the rest of us it's the dessert.

In your case it was the appetizer, now that you're moving on to the main course (dating), it seems you are learning not to spoil your dinner by taking chocolate from an AUC professor, or anyone else.

Enjoy every course of your meal with this guy, and who knows ? You might keep *coming* for seconds.

I'm hungry now.
By Guerrilla Sodomite on "Your dick before we click! [Republished]"

I love how random you are :D
By Dyke In Saudi on "The Princess and the Pea"

hehehehehe So happy for u !

loved what u called urself :D

and in an earlier comment I told u that u r falling right? hehehe it always feels nice to say I told you so !

good luck
By BaTaBeeT on "Not so Icy after all?"

Putting aside who we might think is right or wrong, you're both in the same situation and reacting in the same way. In her eyes, you're wrong and she wants you to change. In your eyes, she's wrong and you want her to change.

I'm sure once you are financially independant enough and able to move out, your relationship with your mum will improve. Until then I suppose it's her house, her rules!? Fair enough in my opinion :)

x
By Ninja on "Why is it that we see what we want to believe when we don't believe what we see?"

It's like you're talking about my mom.
It's not about being gay, it's a mother thing...of course you being gay magnifies it, but each mother has a part of that in her, with some more extreme than others.
They want what's best for us yet they do not know what's best for us to begin with.
And we're in Egypt after all... your life is never yours in Egypt, at least as long as you're living under the same roof as your parents.
we should get together for a 'mother issues' venting :)
By silent observer on "Why is it that we see what we want to believe when we don't believe what we see?"

It really touched me deeply, the part where your boyfriend sent you the message, its really CUTE and DEPRESSING at the same time, My eyes almost were teary, the whole part of standing in the garden alone also. but glad that things got better when your boyfriend came...and that you are now more organized about your friends, that's better, and a daring thing what you have done (:
Happy new year to you too!
By Anonymous on "The joke was on me?"

Well, I wasn't there, but I was there, guess how !?
I met some random first-time guys that night late after the midnight and they were gossiping about that party when the teenager host got furious and threw it all on their faces and that that was so unexpected and unaccepted (as they claimed), but later after spending some time with them, Man, U had all the right, lol

Keep growing, we all do, just try not to show growth marks ;)
By MSG on "The joke was on me?"

Awww.. that is awesome, I would be surprised if there was a report with the keywords Egypt - Sex - Blog and Gay, and yours wasn't mentioned.

Keep up the good work..x
And stay safe!!
By Ninja on "Fuck me, I'm Famous & Uncensored!"

I just saw you on TV :D!I liked the documentary I may write another detailed comment about my reflection after the program is finished ;)
By بتنفس حريه on "Fuck me, I'm Famous & Uncensored!"

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image."... I'm not sure that that's the beginning of love, more a perfect endpoint that takes years to reach.

Compromise seems to be hard for som people, of course scorpios don't need to think about it, it comes naturally, like everything!

xoxo
By Anonymous on "Self-stung?"

bon soir!

well.. this post made me laugh / stop and stare / freak out... dont ask me why!

do we really know our flaws? all of them? sure there are some flaws that we dunno about, or things that we do normally yet they annoy others...

"what is idendity" Huuuh !

it's not always rainbows and butterflies...

I'm speachless... then i guess I'll start to Scream then Scream more

do I make sense?
By BaTaBeet on "Self-stung?"

Perhaps friendship is all about finding people with the same boundaries as us. I remember when Samantha met that woman from Texas. They had an initial spark but soon even Samantha's boundaries had been overstepped and she left in disgust! Some of us like people who try to cross boundaries, others are repelled by it. Me personally, I like it a lot. I suppose it comes down to how adventurous you are as a person and what you want to accomplish/see/do/fuck in your life!!!
By Anonymous on "When do we cross-dress the line?"

nice speech dude ..... god bless you
By mostafa mahmoud on "Fuck me, I'm on BBC!"

hehe! first I love the song :D
second, I've been thinking about that a lot, at one point I decided to be kinda a rebel on technology.. but it started to cavin' me in, and I realized I became addicted to not being addicted ..
so Idk, I think it's best to play it cool; as long as you own things and things don't own you..
By 9h on "They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'!"

I would quote the madge...."and if it makes you feel good then I say do it".
If you keep changing what you're addicted to every once in a while, it remains under control, the continuity in doing or consuming the same thing over a long time actually dulls me tbh.
By Adam Mead on "They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'!"

B for Bipolared

2010-06-25T07:13:00.004+03:00

Scene I:
After I was done obsessing/stalking on facebook, I couldn't resist that sudden urge of checking Mr.B's profile on facebook & ~~to my surprise~~ I still remember his full name, email & mj's profile(which got deactivated for the disuse). So I checked his profile and stared a little in his photo, suddenly all his memories kept floating smoothly in my brain but my body's reaction was different! There was no butterflies or tingling sensation in my nerve endings or longing at all! I felt weird and different; that I want to meet him & check on him but in the same time I wasn't feeling the slightest bit of care. So I've decided to meet him and see by myself what's that all about!
I asked L's about the best way to write this kind of hooking-up msg to a Sagittarius(since L is one of them and all :P) & the msg of the perfect goal-oriented words made magical reply and I got myself a sex-date with Mr.B for tonight!

At exactly 10:30PM I was in front of his door, he let me in, I went to my place on the sofa, everything seemed familiar over and over again, it was all déjà vu, pensé et entendu! I rolled and smoked my first joint, kept asking questions about what's new in his life..etc and then he sniffed few lines, finished his beer, smoked up with me another joint, told me his pretty erotic adventures with his horny straight buddy that he makes out with when they both are totally wasted then showed me his dick photo and I told him about my latest sexual adventures too, we got hard, intensely made out, masturbated together and I came back to reality!

He seemed happier and more relaxed(sexually and everything else) than our last year's thing which I liked in him but also he looked totally different in my eyes, I felt like my brain was telling me at that moment: What were you thinking? What exactly were you seeing in him? How were you that stupid not to be able to differentiate between a mere physical heat of lust and dating/crushing?! He looked pretty normal to me; just another sexy discreet horny guy who is great on bed only...He looked just B!

Maybe I was so blind and now that I know what true relationship and love feel like, I can see clearly! Maybe also back then I wasn't much of a pot-head but now since I am one, I can totally differentiate between being emotional because of the hash effect and being emotional because it's real!
Either way, I felt greater than what I already feel about my relationship and I couldn't be happier!

Scene II:
I have been in an open relationship with Sunny for 10 months now but we've never had a ménage à trois ou plus! I just didn't give it much thinking all that time and also thought of keeping it on the shelf so we can use it in the perfect sexual timing though we thought of trying it once before when we hooked-up a muscled guy from Mohamed Ali Club but apparently he was more into Sunny than me so it didn't happen then I realized that we have different clientele and also somehow different taste in guys which made it kind of hard to find a suitable third!
Until today, it just came up spontaneously to our minds that we can do it with a guy he knows, and we did it!
I felt many different things on bed(no pun intended); excited, sexcited, emotional, lustful, powerful...I landed on the moon!

And I also saw a very different side of Sunny, a sexual side of him that I don't get to see with him which I can't explain much but I liked it in him(again, no pun intended) which made me stop a bit for few seconds while we are going at it and keep observing him with a smile! He looked very vivid in a cute way, I donno what it is, maybe a different look of pleasure in his eyes or maybe he was seeing me differently too and was reflecting the same feeling I'm feeling about him? Do I make any sense?
Who cares! All I know that it was fun, different and the cherry on the top(I swear, no pun intended) is that there was no childish materialistic feelings of jealousy that I've expected to feel!

btw my blog is now blocked in Saudi Arabia! lol

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'!

2010-06-02T05:21:00.002+03:00

After having a "Welcome-back-I've-missed-you" intense & intimate sex with Sunny, he went for a quick shower and I lit a cigarette in front of the TV then I found myself hypnotized by the smoke that's coming out of the cigarette and went deeply in a state of contemplating. How come such a tiny thing could be addictive? then I looked around and felt that everything reeks of addiction; TV, DVD sets of TV shows, alcohol, rolling papers, music, iPhone, internet..etc!
When did we become that addictive? How do one knows if he/she is addicted to something? What defines addiction to start with, or more importantly; what starts it? Don't thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become habits, habits become character and character becomes destiny? So if that's true then do our patterns, consuming habits and our lifestyle translate into our addiction(s)?!

If you looked around you, you'll know what I mean, especially if you looked inside your friends. Like my friend Jovee's addiction to sweet coating sex by dating/relationships, or L's addiction to kink or S's addiction to an unhealthy virtual fantasy that reflects his inability of having a fulfilling social life, or Spectacular's addiction to successive relationships & Zum(aka Native)'s addiction to dysfunctional relationships, or E's addiction to intellect & pseudo-sophistication, or Kiki's addiction to pseudo-macho men, or Chi's addiction to disguising his inner-whore by his over-sweetness, or Mohinder's addiction to go from one addiction to another which are all ways for him to not feel his feelings, or my "last Scorpio fuck"'s addiction to power & authority!

So what if you hate your addiction and you want to get rid of it without replacing it by another one? In psychology they say that pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance & termination are the six stages for change. But does it really work or just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town?

Fuck me, I'm on BBC!

2010-05-07T23:57:00.005+03:00

Last February some guys from BBC contacted me through my blog because they are producing a documentary program "Ma La Yoqal(Forbidden talk)" which has an episode about homosexuality in the Arab World called "Ana Mithly(I'm Gay!)". I got excited and of course I agreed to meet them and see if my terms concerning my security & keeping my anonymity will be fulfilled or not. They were really nice and trustworthy so I agreed to appear on the show and talk about my life as a homosexual/blogger who lives in Egypt.

So YES bitches, I've made it to BBC and I'm homosexual who can perform in Egypt unlike Sir Elton John!

Homosexuality in the Arab World from George Pagliero on Vimeo.

Update: the video is now streaming through the director's Vimeo page since it was taken off BBC website's server

When do we cross-dress the line?

2010-05-05T05:27:00.001+03:00

So I've been told recently that I push people's limits, that I act & respond while presuming that others are okay with what I'm saying or doing and that I don't always know the fine line between humor and seriousness. So few days ago while I was stoned and my head was spinning,in a good way,I thought about getting this ~~straight~~ gay and wondered about what really makes that line so fine?! How come the degree of fining varies differently between each one and other? Aren't we the ones who draw that fine line that looks like an eye liner's line; you think it will make things look smoother but it drains you and by the time it's lunch, you're done!

Seriously, what's the line between humor and seriousness or revenge & total destruction(that's for u :P) or good & bad or politically correct & incorrect or sarcasm & viciousness or use & abuse or erotic & sick or religion & myth or or or? Also when do you know that you crossed the line? What are the signs? What if people like to pushed off limits but they are in denial? Actually what if you indirectly enjoy pushing people off their limits? Why are we making a big deal out of it?!

Aren't our boundaries the formula to that line? They are like a foundation cream that smooth out the face and cover spots or uneven skin coloration before we apply the makeup. And although everyone seems to be playing well within the boundaries of his usual rule set, don't you always need someone who leaps over boundaries, changes your nervous systems, creates a new language, transmits new kinds of joy to your startled senses and spirits?

So shall we cross-dress the line or we are not quite ready for a no makeup life movie?

Self-stung?

2010-03-19T15:35:00.000+02:00

My poisonous nature is eating me inside-out and poisoning everyone around me.
Why do I keep pushing limits? What draws the line between seriousness & fun?
Is it normal to “over-dose” your friends?
Beating yourself up is self-criticism?
I don’t like criticism, especially constructive ones. Do you think I don’t know my flaws already?
Does our fear of not belonging anywhere that make us stuck with wrong choices?
What you see as desperation for your acceptance is nothing but my trials for possessing you.
Why do I keep going after it although I know that once I’ll have, I won’t like it and that it’s not like how it appeals from the outside
How I didn’t notice all that time that being popular is different than being social?
What is identity?
Social mistakes are pricey?
People don’t like it when you see right through them and reveal their inner fears & weaknesses.
Why the intimidation?
Why buttering up & sweet-coating?
There is a difference between wanting something and needing something.
Guilt is the number one negative chi producer. You let that fester, it will age you.
Am I self-fellating my own curse?
To really know someone is to have loved and hated him in turn?
The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
Please don't mistake my anal retentiveness for actual affection.
Do you get exhausted too from yourself sometimes? All that plotting, scheming & venom becomes wearisome at some point, no?
Switching & channeling your emotions, thoughts, desires & projections between different biospheres or even same biosphere, kills your brain cells & your soul gradually?
Your holier-than-thou attitude brings the worst in me!
When will you ever take off your judgmental blinder and stop being some kind of a moral paragon for once?
Did it ever occur to you that maybe it's you who needs me to be angry at you?
Social butterflies are twisted schizoids.
It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along?
People may compromise/adapt but not change.

I don't have to make any sense to you...!

Pop! Six! Squish! Uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz!

2010-03-15T04:24:00.003+02:00

There comes a time when you have to do something to change your scenery, your life's tone & tempo. When you feel that you had seen it, done it, touched it, dropped it, had it, tried it, eaten it, loved it, fucked it, heard it, played it, drunk it, danced it, bought it, read it, sampled it, discussed it, worked it, been there! When all that sex desensitizes you after a while and you start needing more and more kinkiness to get off; Bondage, discipline, role playing, masochistic behavior, erotic asphyxiation, voyeurism...anything, just anything to keep upping the ante!

When that kind of monotony hits me, usually I do one of the upping tricks that I just mentioned or I change my pictures on the online dating websites or I check what/who I've been putting on the shelves. But this time nothing of that upped it, so when I was stoned(my new addiction), I spermed a thought of trying something new & different; changing my whole online identity! I uploaded pictures that I didn't use before, showed my face, changed text, just added "Moroccan new in town" and the magic started. I was reignited, it was like a bucket of gasoline! Those websites put witness protection program to shame!
Since identity of one changes with how one perceives reality, and since am half Moroccan after all, it was so easy to sell this identity to people online and approach the whole "discreet-only-into-foreigners" type of guys!

It was like a circus & different types of freaks are approaching you; It started by the young sexually-insecure guys who are top only, think this sophomoric act is charming, are fighting to keep their status as cock of the walk and who would create a relationship with you out of mere physical heat!
Then the whole "Egybtion Ztyle" & "Straight masseur" guys approach you and those are the funniest of them all, the "Egybtion" ones usually find their way around with their maybe sole asset of showing the "tourist" around, taking him to authentic erotic places, giving him the modern "The White queen and The Nubian boy" fantasy..etc while the "Masseur" is anything but subtle! He says he is straight, only into massage and wants to make friends but surprisingly, he puts his dick size & role information and it's important for him to know if you are top or bottom & how large is your cock in order for him to be your friend!

Then the unapproachable ones of all approach you! The "Discreet-only-into-foreigners" guys! You wouldn't believe the measures they'd take to maintain their discreet-state. Many of them are placing their profiles abroad & they contact the people they like in Egypt, most of them are usually into blind dates or they'd show themselves on webcam only and wouldn't show you their pictures, they would even call you from different anonymous numbers and would never give you their number, they tend to get schizophrenic when you tackle sexuality or religion topics and of course they are usually very WHOREny and ready to do you even if you are out of their favorite age range!
Would you believe that a discreet Belgian guy-with no pics in his profile of course-contacted me cuz he wants to have a "discreet" fun when he comes to Egypt? And a French guy who works in Dubai & wanna visit Egypt, he contacts me cuz I'm Moroccan/Francophone? Do you think what I did would become a trend? like this guy is saying on his profile's headline "im new here anyone wanna be my guide ;)" even though he's been in Egypt before I even knew that I'm into men!
Anyway the trick is to know that identity is theft of the self, so you'd better be cautious!

Fuck me, I'm Famous & Uncensored!

2010-01-31T23:48:00.002+02:00

Weeks ago I've received a phone call from one of my friends telling me that he bought "Cleo" magazine December issue because it had "Egypt SEX Bloggers, Homosexuals' online haven" big title on the cover so he joked around with his bf and told him that it will be so funny if he found my blog inside, and little did he know! I was there! he was shocked, called me directly and transmitted his shock to me!

I was so surprised when I heard the news, was excited but scared in the same time, told my bf, all my friends and readers about the great news via facebook and SMSs then it hit me! Am I going so far? Am I attracting wrong/un-necessary attention to my blog? Am I risking my anonymity? Is my freedom of speech jeopardized now?...then I said "FUCK IT"! I should enjoy my few minutes of fame, so I ran the next day to the nearest shop to buy the issue but to my surprise I was censored! The information bureau already noticed the issue and ordered the magazine to censor that report! But thankfully(and finally! :P) my friend scanned what was there for me, I guess the issue he bought was from the first edition:

Also, I'm going to go on TV but won't write about it now for security reasons(it's starting already! :P)

The joke was on me?

2010-01-03T01:09:00.003+02:00

"It's okay to appear publicly without a date on new year's eve, so drag your lazy ass & join our party tomorrow at...."
That was the invitation message that I've sent to my guests for new year's eve party, I was so excited about that party, I did it as a favor for some semi-friends to save their day as they were going to throw a party but they couldn't find a place to rent so I offered to host the party at my bf(Sunny)'s place. They told me that they will bring all the booze and the food, I've met them a day before for preparations, I just made some remarks about their guests that I don't want them to be in the party and everything went fine so far.

I was out of plastic cups & water, I called metro market 2 hours before the party starts, people arrived and started using the temporary glass cups, metro didn't arrive yet, the glass cups started to finish, people started to ask me for cups and also Ice, I kept calling metro but number was always busy, Sunny offered to go get the stuff faster, I was stressed, some unwanted guests showed up, I got nervous and dragged the other organizers(the semi-friends) to ask them what are those guys doing here? They told me to relax and If I REALLY don't want them here so they'll ask them to leave but it's new year's eve and people want to have fun bla bla bla...I didn't relax!
More weird, unwanted, low-class and feminine guys arrived, guests were constantly reminding me of the minutes left to midnight, I got more stressed out, I strictly said that there won't be any countdown before Sunny arrives, I left my nightmare inside and went outside in the garden for some fresh air, holding my drink, flashes from my childhood were haunting me; when I changed lots of school, always felt like an outsider, insecure & anti-social around people out of my social pool...etc

They started the countdown, Sunny sent me a "Happy new year" message with a sad face. Suddenly it hit me, the invitation's joke was on me; I was there in public without a date to kiss at midnight on new year's eve! I got so angry and furious, If my Icy brain could still send signals to my face, you could see the tear in my eyes! I ran to my room upstairs, standing by the window and was desperately waiting for Sunny to come back! The seconds felt like years until he arrived.
I ran from my room, bumped into "Ezzie" on the stairs, he got so worried about my state, followed me until I ran outside the house to Sunny...I told Sunny everything, took him upstairs and burst into tears between his arms! I didn't need anyone but him at that moment, he was the only shoulder I needed to cry on, to be weak in front of him, to show all my naked emotions and fears that were leaked from my lacrimal glands in silence....I relaxed by then!
I went downstairs, nothing on my mind but "Those people are light-year behind from deserving my tears!", driven by my adrenaline, threw every unwanted one outside with the great help of my "Seeker-Sagi" friend, didn't care about those semi-friends; I had my bf, my friends and all people that I like were around me, supporting me, drinking with me, dancing with me and even kissing me(FISH)....the party started by then!

But there something that has changed in me after what happened, I can't really explain it but I feel it. I cleaned my MSN & FB lists, I started to be skeptical about meeting/doing/socializing with people that are outside my social or class pool, I don't really care anymore about the idea of the risks of losing people, the risks of being socially or politically stupid! I donno if I'm still drunk with powers & driven by the power of rejecting & throwing all these people outside or If I'm growing up or If there is a shift in the order of my self-confidence. All I know is that I like it and I'm enjoying it!
Happy new years everyone! =))

Why is it that we see what we want to believe when we don't believe what we see?

2009-11-28T21:34:00.003+02:00

I'm really bored of my whole mommy-issues-boy, it's really wearisome and exhausting. I'm 21 years old now, will graduate in less than a year and become fully independent but I still fight with my mother over curfew! It's unbelievable, and it gets worse when you watch the failure of all your pseudo-succeeded attempts to build bridges, bond, be good, and understand! Sometimes I feel that my psychobabble attempts at bonding is pathetic but I just don't understand why it is that hard for me to get over her or for her to let me go? Why don't we just not pretend something we are not? When will she ever understand that am not hers to have anymore and that she needs to get over this Oedipal stage before she smothers me?

Is the power of denial that blinding, that she can't see how clearly I got independent in almost every aspect of my life since AGES? Will it hurt her so much to admit that am only staying in this house because I'm financially dependent on her? Why can't she stop depending on other people for her sense of self-worth? For how long I'll be freaking paying for her choice to stop working, become a housewife and "perfectly" raise her kids? When will she stop postponing the time when she will have to surrender the idea of who her children could be to the reality of who they actually are? Does she stop for a second and really wonder how will she ever make it for me for all those horrible moments when she(also my father & my shrink included) made me feel as if something was wrong with me? Does she know that I can easily ask her and not the society to pay for the very exhausting psychological effort I do to maintain a double life and blame her for everything I've gone through? Does she know that I only feel safe in the warm little cocoon of the gay part of my life? and that once I leave the safety of this nest, she and the society will always be there. harassing me, judging me, tormenting me? To her, my identity and relationships are unnatural! She will never understand how hard it was for me to become what I'm right now, to become that manipulative, to secretly fight against society's stereotypes when I was only 15 years old, to face rejection everywhere, to feel that the society is filled of angry villagers with torches to drive out the monster she gave birth to!

But I guess she is like all parents, they go into the enterprise expecting their child to be a better version of themselves and then the little bastards turn out to have souls all their own, destinies to be fulfilled, dreams and desires that have nothing to do with them or their DNA. Mothers carry their childs inside of them and it comes a time when they feel as if they don't even know their own child, but they will only know him again when they grow up; when they stop trying to create him in their image and likeness and see him for who he is! For so long, I tried to be the good boy, the good boy who survived what they wanted me to Be. And now it's my turn. I just need a tabula rasa, no preconceptions, no haunting-past, no judgments, no anxiety, no reflections and no limitations. Will I be able to have that with my mother? Will she finally allow me? Will she make me reach my limits of patience? Will she gave me the chance? Will she stop seeing what she wants to believe...?

YES, I went legal!

2009-11-08T01:19:00.004+02:00

Yes, I'm that famous, popular and loved that I don't need to blog about my life but let others do the job for me! =P
My very dear friend E(aka Ezzie) blogged about my birthday party on his blog:

She's Legal, her Party Wasn't!
So as everyone was recovering from the last party, which was too fabulous for me to even blog it, Kiki Jr. decided that the moment has come to give a ball, the highlight of her, ahem, stellar career in the gay society, and that everyone queen would envy and that would be the talk of the scene for days to come (which is the utmost any queen can hope for considering the attention span of queens in general).

To push things to the extreme, and be all controversial as ever, Kiki Jr. decided that her 21st birthday bash would be a themed party, a costume party that is.

Fearing that all the queens would mistake costume for drag, she stressed that each queen she should keep her wig in her bag and think 'outside the box'.

For a whole week every queen in town was thinking, 'what should I wear for Kiki Jr's party?'

Me and Kiki Sr. were no exception.

For days at a time Kiki Sr. talked of nothing else but 'what costume should I wear?'

And while I thought the prospect of wearing a costume is exciting, I knew it would be near impossible to have a nicely done costume in Cairo.

It would not go without notice and all kinds of wrong attention.

So I opted for 'soft drag'.

Meaning, heavy eye make up, lipstick, nail polish, no wig and a trashy outfit.

And after much useless resistance, Kiki Sr. followed suit.

So clad in my gorgeous Pashmina scarf (trying to cover up my indecent outfit), I was making my way to this fictitious suburb east of Cairo.

Sans make up we made our way to the residence of Kiki Jr. and her beau.

Fashionably early, we were both horrified and amazed at Kiki Jr. costume (photos available to select audience on Facebook) it was a leather top with a star situated mid chest, and hot leather shorts with straps on both sides, leaving nothing to the imagination......READ MORE >>>

So now(technically last 26th of October) I'm 21 years old and no longer a twink! *wink wink*

Not so Icy after all?

2009-10-11T17:20:00.002+02:00

Without any further introduction, rich words, nice writing style or paragraphing. The slut is in love PERIOD!

This would be the shortest post I've ever written but its meaning is one of the deepest and longest(no pun intended) posts for me!

The Princess and the Pea

2009-09-28T11:22:00.003+02:00

Once upon a time there was a prince who wanted to marry a princess; but she would have to be a real princess. He travelled all over the world to find one, but nowhere could he get what he wanted. There were princesses enough, but it was difficult to find out whether they were real ones. There was always something about them that was not as it should be. So he came home again and was sad, for he would have liked very much to have a real princess.

One evening a terrible storm came on; there was thunder and lightning, and the rain poured down in torrents. Suddenly a knocking was heard at the city gate, and the old king went to open it. It was a princess standing out there in front of the gate. But, good gracious! what a sight the rain and the wind had made her look. The water ran down from her hair and clothes; it ran down into the toes of her shoes and out again at the heels. And yet she said that she was a real princess.
“Well, we’ll soon find that out,” thought the old queen. But she said nothing, went into the bed-room, took all the bedding off the bedstead, and laid a pea on the bottom; then she took twenty mattresses and laid them on the pea, and then twenty eider-down beds on top of the mattresses.

On this the princess had to lie all night. In the morning she was asked how she had slept. “Oh, very badly!” said she. “I have scarcely closed my eyes all night. Heaven only knows what was in the bed, but I was lying on something hard, so that I am black and blue all over my body. It’s horrible!”
Now they knew that she was a real princess because she had felt the pea right through the twenty mattresses and the twenty eider-down beds.

Nobody but a real princess could be as sensitive as that.

So the prince took her for his wife, for now he knew that he had a real princess; and the pea was put in the museum, where it may still be seen, if no one has stolen it.

P.S you don't have to understand what this post is about! =)

Your dick before we click! [Republished]

2009-09-18T04:42:00.001+02:00

Scene I:
"Sunny" is a 34 years old Austrian marketing man who works for a respected multinational company and he's just moved to Egypt 6 weeks ago. I was the first guy he's met from the internet, pretty much like many foreigners who move to Egypt and get paranoid at first to meet any gay guy through the internet but thanks for the guestbook entry that made him send me a message, we've fucked twice before we go on a date(will get to that later on), in the first time I thought it will be another one night stand but the sex was good so I craved for more especially after I knew how kinky he'd get, we decided to fuck in the twinky garden of his villa in one of Cairo's gated compounds and it was such a great experiment(since I never did it in a garden before); blowing him after cornering me, getting rimmed while leaning on the back door's stairs, bowling me over the grass, salivary lubricating me, every grass aphrodisiac-ly tickling every nerve ending of my back and ass, moon light reflections on his facial expressions while doing me until I've seen fireworks in the sky within minutes!

For the first time of my life I felt that it would be very awkward to ask someone out after already sleeping with him twice, donno if it is the therapy effect/symptoms or the fact that I didn't want to jeopardize a good fuck by attaching some strings or the doubt that it might be just a sex haze and nothing more but I overcame all of these fears, asked him out and we went on a official date on the next day at Sangria where we had dinner then followed it with a fine bottle of rosé at Intercontinental where you can experiment a very different biospheres separated by just the glass window of the lobby. He knew how to comfort all my worries, how to constantly hold my interest, how to feel comfortable around him, he proved my point that relationship can come after sex and we kept talking for hours from politics to watersports!

Scene II:
In my way to Alexandria for the weekend with Sunny, travelling for the first time ever with a date, totally freaking out; is it too early to travel with him? What Am I doing? Will it be too much intimacy? Would I hate him when I try to resort to my privacy, space & solitary? Will I be that into cuddling him?
Surprisingly he really knew how to well handle me and my anxiety, he was so smooth, lively and knew how to enjoy me and how to make me feel fully naked around him!

But still, I couldn't stop over thinking and over analyzing; Is it too early to introduce him to my close Alexandrian friends? Is he freaking out? Is getting that close that early, will be repulsive? Are we getting closer? Will I be able to commit again after 3 years of absolutely no commitment? Monogamy, one day?
I tried to do like him and just go with the flow, and Pisces are the best at going with flow and not to think much; problems will solve themselves by themselves/time, disconnecting whenever anything seems noisy or aching...tried to do many things that are not that much of my nature/Scorpio's nature and I felt better, maybe what I did was somehow "balancing"!

Scene III:
Back to Cairo, my space, my liberty, my bed and my men! Freaking out again, feeling that I'm losing control, worried to let go, my brain is getting claustrophobic inside my skull due to the overload of thinking, my soul is getting merinthophobic and my heart is getting neophobic!
I ran into my contacts list and decided to get laid! The first guy is the ex.bf of one of my fuck buddies, very classy and well educated, living in one of those very adult apartments that made me feel like I was about 16 visiting the home of a friend whose parents thought I was a bad influence, we kept talking in none sense, until sex was brought up and he told me that I'm a nice guy and everything but he didn't feel any sexual chemistry! I felt like I was the jerk du soleil! I've never got sexually rejected right in front of my face before, especially from a guy who is less good looking than me! I quickly left his apartment and called the other guy who has been chatting with me for over a year, begging me to meet him and I knew that he'll be a real shot in the arm for my sexual self-esteem!
He is 41 years old, professor at the AUC, recently divorced and with two kids, great dick and fit body. We had a quickie apparently in his kids room(I figured that out after climaxing!), there was a cross above the bed's headboard, two mirrors capturing me while having sex, got shocked when I knew that I lifted my ass with a pillow that had "Love you Dad!" with a real picture of his kids on it. There wasn't the slightest string attachment, I felt like shit while taking a shower afterward, felt as if the water served as retro-baptism for every cheap touch the prof touched me, I was blinded by my Ego and fears!
I quickly got into my clothes, left my crime scene and ironically laughed at the thought of the AUC offering me a scholarship for sleeping with a third professor!

However, I thought I'll feel okay to sleep with another guys as I'm not exclusive to Sunny yet, but surprisingly I didn't PERIOD!

A post to remember

2009-09-01T15:36:00.003+02:00

The following post was published July 2008 on "Awkward Sex in the City" blog:

She is not me!

I have had endless discussions with Bad G about Madonna's latest album, 'Hard Candy', I was debating the artistic merit of the work, and G was arguing how the album is the perfect answer to Madonna's Catch 55, (she is turning 50 and its a whole new world if you have the unfortunate condition of being a "woman in the arts" and hitting 50).
He said that she managed to push the envelope one more time (to me, its one last time!) and raise a few eye brows along the way. He even supplied the invaluable information that Madonna commissioned the photographer who worked with her on her Sex book to do the cover of Hard Candy.
(for further information you will have to personally contact Bad G)
And then I listened to the album, and the banal performance, overstated lyrics, trashy-eighties arrangement, made sense.
It was a very strong statement, for a woman who has been doing this for over two decades.
In the album Madonna tackles a wide array of themes that all happen in the "store", a metaphoric space for a club, bar, home, not-home, life. Whatever you make of it.
And in the club, some skinny, tall bitch might try to steal your guy, steal your spot, steal your thunder, this is when you say bring it on! And lets see who can run the show! So for Madonna, this bitch is not "her".
No matter how young, tall, or sexy her legs might be.
I believe the same analogy applies here.
The blogging world is not the same as Pop world, the space here is more temporal, less tangible, and not so much fraught with the same consumerism. Its more impersonal and yet there is more visibility or a certain, surreal level of connectivity but if some trashy, nineteen year-old thinks she can blog then she is wrong!
Two years blogging is like two decades making music. I am not Madonna, but I have been around long enough here not to be compared with a nineteen year-old with an attitude!
Bitch, if you want to blog bring it on! And I will show you what blogging is!
hackneyed phrasing, cheesy graphics and Facebook advertising, what is this!
The bitch had the nerve to tell me that her style is more "accessible", yes of course if you are mentally retarded!
When your blog gets rated as the voice of sexuality in Cairo, come talk to me bitch!
Posted by E at 4:41 AM

I'm really glad I'm not you!

There is no such thing as talent, there is pressure?

2009-08-22T22:51:00.004+02:00

This year in college is so stressful & exhausting, I finished Gynaecology, Burn & Surgery round, Internal, Chest & Geriatrics round and now I'm having my Orthopedics round final exams, so basically I'm studying non-stop since last September except for 2 weeks vacation after each round which is too much pressure for me to bear, I no longer have the energy to study & excel in the coming exams, I became completely apathetic towards exams for the first time in my life! I've always feared & hate to fail, to not live up to my or my parents' expectations which increased my primary fear of losing control over my life and which also made me a perfectionist & a control freak!

Sometimes I believe that this fear is because of having a pushy parents(or a mother in my case since I don't have a father figure after all!) who constantly push me towards perfection in the utterly trivial thing I do, always putting pressure on me to excel in school, relationships & religion, but it is too much, they don't understand that they never learned how to deal with their own failures so they pass their unrealistic expectations on to me unconsciously & it is simple psychology, really. It's called transference.
Maybe they are excused about that; already the pressures of being a parent are equal to any pressure on earth, to be a conscious parent, and really look to that little being's mental & physical health, is a responsibility which most of people, including my parents, avoid most of the time because it's too hard.

In the process of all of that, they weren't aware how pressure affected me when I first dealt with my homosexuality when I was 14 or 15 which(homosexuality) already put me under the same pressure as adults and maybe more! What kind of childhood is that? When you are all by yourself in front of Society's & Religion's constant pressure? How was I supposed to feel when society rejects me & all religions curse me? I definitely got into the famous "Sexuality vs Religion's guilt" phase, but thanks God I was strong enough and didn't give up, I started to read more and more about my religions to know the truth and assurance and I found that it is mostly about various pictures & how you perceive and interpret them, I figured out that religions were a very beautiful and mature attempts to approach the ideology and definition of higher power or God and I really believe that there is a higher power and that I wouldn't get punished for something I didn't choose.
But it took me a huge effort to get over many pictures I perceived, to get over the idea of sins & punishment, to get over the pressure that men of religions put on the people since ages to sustain their beliefs and to improve their delivery of the policy and their delivery of the ideas so that they can garner support for whatever principle they're articulating!
Some readings in Atheism & Agnosticism also helped me a bit and made it easier for me to understand more, but I believe that Albert Einstein was right when he said that It would be possible to describe everything scientifically, but it would make no sense; it would be without meaning, as if you described a Beethoven symphony as a variation of wave pressure.

However, by time, tears stopped to be the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it, I learned how to deal with pressures, how to get tough and work over pressure not under it, how not to feel any pressure and to just try to stay calm, follow my plans and try not to overthrown.
Maybe that's why I'm always so quiet, I seem to people that I'm in control even when I'm not, I became some sort of ticking time bomb that sooner or later will explode especially if you are in an environment where you feel you can't fail!
But for my very good luck, I explode every now & then or I would have went insane when I get in control in front of all the pressures I face daily, especially the religious ones, when my mum never fails to wake me up for Friday's prayers, when you over hear preachers on TV talking about torture and bluish your life with their dusty language, when the instructor in your college is an Islamist who preaches for 15 minutes prior and post classes, when you photocopy the handbook of past examinations which is made by Muslims Brotherhood's students union and you find a provocative quote in every corner of each page, when you find "Veil before Hell" and similar bumper stickers on the walls of your college, your building & even your elevator, when you get into a sterile conversation with a colleague of yours because you find it totally stupid of her to choose to join a medical school even though she wears Niqab and chooses not to to touch any male patient even if he was an 80 years old with broken leg & wouldn't possibly lure her in any mean, when you talk with a 28 years old gay guy who still believes that homosexuality is a plague and the act of it vibrates God's holy chair!

These were just simple examples of the religious pressures and you don't really want to get me started on Society's and other pressures!

Sin-me my Sunni!

2009-08-18T07:30:00.006+03:00

Well, I guess you all know about my "Religion" fetish but I've not told you that much about it. I think it has all started back then when I used to do some summer activity at that famous mosque when I was living in Heliopolis; we used to learn Qur'an, know more about Islam, play football, do charity work and travel together. The whole Islamic brotherhood, like any same-sex community, is so homoerotic; how they "love" each others as "brothers" in front of God, how they hug each others after Feast prayers, how they are so intimate! GOD! their intimacy is blinding! I used to have a crush on many of the mosque's teachers/supervisors without understanding what was happening to me until I grew older and understood what was that about. And since then I get so sexually attracted to Sunni or any religious guy who is in good shape, has that untrimmed beard(not the long random ugly one), with shortened slack of pants and has a heart that is too delicious for me to corrupt and to stifle all the semblance of virtue and religion in it!

Scene I:
It's been quite long time since I last had sex with my Sunni fuck-buddy especially after he moved to Alexandria because of his work so I do the best I can to catch him on weekends when he comes to Cairo. We were chatting that night about how kinky he can get and not surprisingly he can get SO kinky!
So We've decided to have a classic role play of a homophobic rapist and a curious twink who got caught and wrestles, with water sports flavors & dirty talk spices! I got ~~properly~~ popper-ly ready and he put me on the "right path", the path of those who are blessed to enjoy his God's blessed freakishly girthed "bounty" where all my sins & Agnosticism were severely quaked and his earth ejected its loads, Amen!
I hope I can catch him again this weekend before Ramadan starts and he goes into his spiritual coma or let me rephrase it; his retro baptism!

Scene II:
In the Gym, where I get my daily dose of testosterone's odor through all those steamy men, I was working out my leg muscles on that particular day when I saw the new trainer; muscular but not overly so, short black hair and brown eyes but facially challenged somehow and wearing a tank top on army pants. We kept having an intense eye contact until it was my time to do leg curl exercise(the one where you bend over the machine), he came to me after I finished my first set asking about what I'm working out today and what I'm listening to..etc, I replied back to his questions in a semi-flirty way while keeping my Scorpio's eyes intense on him that bedazzled him and made him know that I can see directly through him!
We didn't talk again but we locked eyes, I was about to finish and it was my abs ex. time, I thought to go ask him for some tips, I found him praying in the partition where I'm supposed to do my abs! I got more turned on by seeing him praying, so I blasphemously put the mattress in his vision's horizon, laid down, my legs are wide open in front of him and did my abs ex! He go SO distracted while he was praying , It felt like Lili in Youcef Idrees' "Akan Labodd Ya Lili An Todee'i Al Noor(Did you have to turn on the light, Lili?)" story! Anyway, I finished the exercise with a hardon, went to the lockers room, changed and bumped into him in my way out, I devilishly grinned, greeted him and told him that I'll see him next time. He was so embarrassed, mumbled some words and smiled!

Scene III(pun intended):
I've been chatting with E&S for sometime, I've told E about my blog, he loved it and left some comments and we kept talking in a promise to meet one day when they come to Cairo or when I go to UAE. E is an Egyptian gentleman in his late 20s from Al Sada Al Ashraf(people who are related by blood to prophet Mohammed PBUH) and S his boyfriend is a Saudi young guy in his early 20s, they have been together for more than 6 years now, they look cute together with their dog and their whole lives together, they are one of those couples that are not in an open relationship but they like to spice up their sexual life by having a threesome every now and then, which made me notice how monogamy rhymes with monotony!
They arrived to Egypt few days ago and we were sexcited to meet each others, I was more sexcited since my last threesome was ages ago so I went directly to their apartment, we all smoked-up and drank to feel less self-conscious and before I knew it, we were all in our birthday suit on bed exploring each others. I was the couple's guest star(aka the third guy) although I sexually liked E more with that thick dick of his which I believe it's the Womanizer's PBUH genes, It was really one of the best threesomes I've ever had, the whole mind-altering alcohol & hash, their big interest in me, getting sandwich-ed and of course controlling not only one but two guys on bed was the cherry on top!

And that's how I prepared myself for Ramadan; by having sex with guys who are closer to its PBUH and chatting with hot Azhar students!

In the scene and not get scened?

2009-08-06T01:26:00.005+03:00

you know about me... you know i am going through something similiar yet not so similar as you are dealing only with your whole family i am dealing with my brother... where as you are very defensive on them... i am actually starting to open up my mind to other things.. not turning str8 because he does accept that i am gay .. they just want me to live in a celibate life... either way... the beautiful thing with my brother he doesnt expect something to occur from one day... he doesnt expect me to become straight.. he is geniunly concerned of my after life...

now what i am trying to say is you have to admit regardless if we are gay or str8 me and you push the limits sometimes....

how many sex partners we had in the past 4 years ?
how many drunken weeks/weekends have we had in the past year ?
mow much drugs have we consumed ?

maybe when yo go tell your therapist you want to be str8 he wont believe you directly ... so why not tell him you want to be the best version of YOU... tell i want to take baby steps first ... by cutting down on drinking and sex etc.

Q's comment on my "Self-degaying, self-decaying?" post

After reading Q's latest post, I thought that it's just a Gemini phase where he'll get distracted at some point regardless how long he'll last in that coma but what made me give the whole "pseudo-heterosexual" concept another thought was what my shrink asked me in the last session whether I'm still keeping my hetero-friendships fully alive and when was the last time I saw them, In addition to what someone I chat with told me, that his ex.date(that I don't know) saw me in many gay parties. So I got confused between what's good and what's bad? to be totally out of the closet or to be partially in it? Isn't every choice we make has its cons and pros? Does the majority of gay guys freak out when they would know that my parents & my close straight friends know about my "tragic inclination", that I've many gay friends, that I've been officially into gay life for 6 years now & I'm only 21, that I can no longer know my magic number of guys I've been sexually with, that I've an experience that is one of the causes of my over self-confidence? Will we have neo-discreets like Q who wants to resuscitate his very old "keeping-low-profile"? And what about the reformists who are sick of the gay scene and wants to fix everything neo-liberals have done?

I don't understand what's wrong to just be yourself? To do things that you enjoy without feeling abstinent about it and asking for repentance? I'm not saying that we just go around advertising it but the people that you know, the people that you love, you don't keep it a secret from them! But why would people keep it a secret? Is it because it's dangerous out there? For them, is it like why take the risk? But, isn't not taking the risk is riskier?
Is it true that when homosexuals devote to their gay lifestyle & abandon their former straight life with its people, they become cruel, more vicious and they become laws unto themselves? Whereas homosexuals such as what Q wants to be, who live "pseudo-heterosexually", much more likely to hang onto some semblance of their former pre-coming-out-to-themselves life?

But I'm sorry Q, you are horribly mistaken, this isn't a change, this is a wimp! Regardless how fitting is my "Forbidden fruit guy" in your whole "less-parties-drinking-sex-scene" change, you will walk in circles, you will get dizzy from it that you will have no perspective anymore and you will need a strong jolt to wake you up, move forward, get over it and get back on the horse!

Self-degaying, self-decaying?

2009-07-29T17:50:00.002+03:00

So my latest therapy session was so critical, my shrink was very straight forward, put all his cards on the table and told me that he'll wait for an answer from me the next session about whether I want to be converted heterosexual or not!
I was expecting that so I sarcastically asked him about his "methods" to achieve the marvelous result that he and my parents are waiting for! He expectedly replied that now it's not the time to talk about the procedures and I've to decide first, so I acted innocent and asked him if I'll have to cut off my gay friendships? and again as expected he assured that that will happen at certain point of treatment! So I stopped at this point and changed the subject to religion, my mother, blah-blah, snore!
I laughed deep inside because he doesn't know that his technique with me became so obvious to me for the past few sessions, he thought that he's so sneaky that he finally put the noose around my neck and was about to kick the chair out from underneath me! And as if being gay is the saw in my fucked-up thigh/life but little did he know that that's ancient history; I'm the one with the power now and I'm so evolving past my parents' feelings and the whole therapy trauma!

I know exactly what I'm going to do, I'll go along with him and his stupid therapy so that I can get it out of my system and get it over with! I know I'll be walking in a battlefield loaded with tricky land mines and that I'll have to be very careful where I step or I could be blown to pieces, I know what I'll be doing is such a waste of time and effort, I know that many of you right now would totally say "God! Nordine, would you listen to yourself?!", I know that also you would think that I'm about to make my own bed and the time will come when I'll have to lie in it with all my grand forfeit, I know that I might very soon find my doppelgängers with the excessive pretending I'll be doing, but I also know that I can do it, I have to trust my powers, I've to remind myself every second that I always get what I want no matter how long I wait, so yes I CAN do it especially that I've a great point on my side; my mother HATES my shrink because she hates the fact that he can see directly through her and she denies this fact and believes that he treats her like she's stupid and ignorant, she believes that I outsmart him & I'm manipulating him and them and she also doesn't like that he's christian as she totally believes that religion is the main ingredient for my de-gaying.
Therefore, if anything in my plan went in the wrong path, god forbids, it will be so easy to toss my shrink away and replace with another one or maybe with no one else!

I'm only worried if self-degaying will be self-decaying? Will I get too involved in my plan that it might stop me from enjoying my life? Would I do it better if I've someone in my life who I'd love to live in his pants for many years? Or Do I need a huge support from my friends? But isn't codependency something that I shouldn't need in the first place to be able to be strong enough for my plan? Shall I keep hibernating my emotions? But I've a great grip of my life now and since you know that power is my ultimate aphrodisiac, I'm feeling very sexcited lately! So Do I need not to get totally drunk with power? How can I balance myself....? BLUKH!

The exorcism of the gay me!

2009-07-16T12:06:00.003+03:00

I've been having notorious mood-swings lately, I've always had them from time to time but recently they were very intense and successive in a tiring way, they made me totally believe that I don't have to be a female to get PMSy, my mood used to swing like a pendulum from a black mood in which nearly all of one's friends seem to be selfish or even false that leads to having great pleasure in thinking evil, to a highly elated mood in which I'm relieved and very emotional that a cheesy song or a movie scene would bring tears to my eyes, to an apathetic mood in which I don't really care about a god damn thing or person, to a "I don't exist" mood in which the surroundings are blurry shaped and I go deeply into reflecting mood that I don't listen to anything around me!

The swings were very exhausting, I had to get my ass out of them, I tried every possible thing, I talked about it as nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around, I stopped masturbating, I jogged but I got more trapped inside my head, until one humid day; I was in the bathroom(my safety zone), I looked at the bathtub and I couldn't remember when was the last time I filled that tub and sit in it! So I quickly brought some candles, filled the tub with salty water & gel douche, put my cigarettes pack & ashtray away from water then I jumped in!
I assumed some relaxing positions, closed my eyes, pictured a relaxing picture of me lying in front of a sea and that was it! the miracle happened! I felt my stressed emotions were fading away with every water bead on my skin, my imprisoned thoughts were set free by every water drop off my hair and the mean & hurtful words evaporated with every blowing circle of smoke.
Now that my mind was free, I started to recollect myself & fluff my own pillows, it was hardly possible to build anything when frustration, bitterness and a mood of helplessness were prevailing. I couldn't help but notice that I've been mainly down and more apathetic since I started therapy, I miss me, I want to restore my pre-therapy life back...!

My shrink's pattern of treatment became so clear last session, he was only pointing out the drama in my life. Making me feel helpless, desperate, illusional and psychologically ill. He had been trying with me the "What comes first? Relationships or the chicken?" in the last few sessions by saying that I've been doing "sex comes before relationship" for the past 3 years and I'm still single so what about trying to reverse it? Until the last session where he was straight(pun intended) to the point; "you are miserable, edgy and tired so why don't you try the other way aka straight-en up?!" when he said it, I felt like he was saying you are miserable, edgy and tired so you are in the perfect mood for your exorcism!
He's so stupid to play that game with me, I know that I've dysfunctional relationship with my parents, I know that I've been single for three years now, I know that I feel lonely many times but all of that has nothing to do with my sexual orientation! If everyone who is miserable, edgy & tired switched his/her sexual orientation then there wouldn't be any heterosexual alive on this planet! Let him go gay first then I'll go straight! *Snap snap*

He unintentionally woke the beast, I restored my huge ego that keeps me warm in cold winter, he did the stupid mistake that I've been waiting for for so long, now is the perfect timing for me to be straight in front of him & my parents and eventually stop the whole therapy! I know that's the whole double life idea is ridiculous, lame and exhausting but It is the only way out of this therapy with having my parents on my side because let's face it; if I told him that I will stay queer, he'll start using another technique with me, I'll get psychologically messed up again, my parents will know(they already highly doubt) that I don't want to change as the therapy will take much longer time and also who knows what he'll tell my parents next? and nobody will be happy!
So I've to be very smart in the next sessions(my dear cynical readers, I know I won't outsmart him and I never said that I would) to sustain the "Yes, I can change" motives because I've to be careful with alterations, if I pull the wrong thread, everything falls apart!

Wrinkle wrinkle little scar, take two!

2009-07-08T06:39:00.003+03:00

Here you go the rest of the lovely comments:

Ice queer, allow me to do the replies for you :
Batates, plain and simple, Gay people choose to act their sexuality, not their orientation, an easy example, related to the post is easily seen in the straight world, the difference between you and a nun is that you chose to get married and she chooses chastity, but none of you two chose to like men over women i guess.
I don't talk religion but for starters qawm loot weren't punished for homosexual act, but for possession crimes, they happenned to be homos but that wasn't their sole sin. and no i am not saying it is not considered a sin by religion, i am just correcting a historical fact.

About the effect on the society, well batates, how would you like a guy attracted to men choosing to act straight, getting married to you or your sister and not fulfilling his marital duties and leaving his wife unfulfilled sexually and wondering why am i not enough for him? does this scenario sound better than two men having sex in their own bedroom (mind you, i didn't throw the effect that bad marital relationship would have on their kids if they had them).

One last thing, I am horrified by the debate on the priest, when did being gay become equivalent to pedophilia?
If you are not willing to check psychiatric texts, read the novel lolita or simply watch the news and see that little girls get molested as well by priests, sheikhs and in many instances by their own very straight fathers and mothers. Unfortunately child abuse is very widespread and it is not restricted to gay people as people might think.
By Blog Reader on "Beauty and the Priest!"

I have to tell you Nour that your war of writing is actually more than wonderful...very enjoyable I give you that.

"The priest sent me to heaven"
hehe...well played :)
By Innate_Inanenuss on "Beauty and the Priest!"

I can totally relate to this post, I've been there. Personally I stopped feeling like I don't belong when I stopped hiding, I used to hide my ideas, my background, my dreams etc. I then realized that half of the times, the rejection was in my head,and actually when being confronted with my own difference, discussing it without confrontation, without slashing back or faking built unexpected bonds or simply respectful acquaintances.

About the promiscuity, Through my own therapy I came to realize It's not a matter of quantity as much as of motives and feeling, I used to (and still do) use sex as a validation, a get back, a hideout and a thousand other million reasons, I was/am promiscuous while just having sex once a month. Watch "Girl interrupted", there is a scene explaining promiscuity beautifully.

I wish u the best of luck.
By Anonymous on "100 years of iso-sex-lation!"

If this therapist thinks he can strip you of your humanity, your dignity and your identity (in your case, gay), then just leave him. I am going to tell you something, which you may hate me for. I respect you so much for facing up to your parents and for coming out of the closet. But, you know that your society and our society is not ready for that. Nor are your parents. So, why not maneuver things around? Why not have it your way both ways? Be gay and have your parents on your side. Why not have them for lunch before they have you for dinner. I am not asking you to deny who you are. On the contrary, be who you are amongst your friends, and everybody else. Except your parents because unfortunately you have to answer to them and you live with them under the same roof. So you need to be smarter in order to avoid the headache they keep giving you. Unless you move out and be independent and be your own man.

And your blog... you don't need to write about interesting men or interesting sexual adventures. You can simply write about yourself, about a boring day, about thoughts, about music. And trust me, there is always someone out there who is interested to read your blog and read what you have to say. This is a very healthy place to unwind... and to be yourself too. Just my advice.
By poshlemon on "I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!"

i know what you mean about not wanting to do the assignments, you feel like it won't change you at all and is a waste of time. The only good thing about them is that they keep you thinking about the sessions mid-week, so you continue to make forward motion. Not sure what to say about that. It's not homework, you're not at school:-S

Reading your post makes me feel like you are hovering between hope of some kind of good change, fear of the unknown in the future (we're all like that sometimes!) and questioning.. is it all worth it really?

I'd say keep going. It's like going on a holiday. If you've booked and paid to go for 2 weeks you've got to GO for two weeks. Likewise with your sessions, keep at them until you really can't take it anymore or until you feel like you've arrived at some kind of finishing point. Don't put yourself under pressure. Hey, your parents are paying for it. A lot of people DON'T GO because they can't afford it. So you are lucky. In a way.
It sounds like you're getting to know yourself better which is amazing. Sounds like SOMETHING positive is coming out of the sessions at least!

Keep it up, and don't shut down your blog;)
By Anonymous on "I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!"

If u r like me in anyway then ur "new" depression is not caused by the therapy, the therapy simply uncovered it, there comes a moment in life when someone or something just forcefully takes ur head out of the sand and afterwards it's just up to u to sink it back in the sand or start seeing things as they are, whether they r good or bad.
By the way, not feeling anything is a feeling.
Good luck buddy, i am sure u'll overcome this one too!
By Anonymous on "I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!"

I have a few questions in response to some of the comments.. What's wrong with concentrating on sex? And what's wrong with promiscuity? And what does being gay have to do with promiscuity or concentrating on sex?
By Wanderin Scarab on "I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!"

IQ I think Im the anon you meant and no that wasnt me. Ive been sinking myself into work trying not to deal with some family crisis that well I can not really do any thing about.
Anyways, Im sorry to read that you are not feeling well. My advice is pull yourself out. I agree with one comment that its the discovery process that you started with your therapist that is giving you a different way to see life and well as we grow up we realize life isnt always as we thought it is or even have one side to it.
I hope you do not follow poshlemon advice. I might disagree with you on many levels but having the courage to face your issues is one thing that makes me admire you. I just hope you take your therapy more serious or may be you do but you do not reflect that in so many words.
Why not share your feeling down with the therapist? ask him how you can deal with it and prevent it from getting worse?
As for the sex issue. Well, we all care about sex because it is part of who we are and yes it does affect your mood alot and could make life more bearable if it is with someone you love. It is however one of many parts of our identities and life and it should not entirly color the way we see things or life.
I do hope you keep on writing and like many comments I think I will enjoy it more if it had more you and less "men". You have a nice talent and would be sad to see it wasted plus I think writing is a good way to get over negative ideas.
Hope you feel better soon
By Anonymous on "I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!"

only problem with promiscuity is that it becomes an addiction and the desire for sex becomes insatiable..

Keep doubting...
By Will E. on "I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!"

"perhaps we are all refugees from something"
i am not sure if its came out of u or out of the coke.. but its totally right.
may be that is one of many facts u can get from being with urself and see the life from different perspective.. very unique way of life.
By echo on "Thou hast the keys of Paradise; Oh, just sex and mighty cocaine!"

sweetie, i hope you know that drugs are addictive. you're screwed up enough already!?

kiss

ps he ain't pure inside. what kind of message is 'wanna fuck?'

ok i know why u went for it, would do the same thing too, definitely, but you're worth so much more, i feel it

...

don't hate me!
By Anonymous on "Thou hast the keys of Paradise; Oh, just sex and mighty cocaine!"

he's not pure inside, my dear. i'm going to tell you a few things i tell my girlfriends on a regular basis when they complain about the guys not giving them the respect they feel they deserve. if you present yourself in a way that says "I'll accept the crumbs you drop" (by crumbs, I mean the guy isn't going out of his way for her), then he's just gonna keep giving you nothing but crumbs of his attention. everyone wants to be loved and needed at the end of the day. he's saying "i'll kiss" eh ya3ny? like throwing a dog a bone? please. from everything you've said, b is neither "classy" nor "decent." i think many times, you meet someone messed up in the head..someone who sporadically gives you attention..and it drives you crazy. you want to be the person he needs, you want to be the person who fixes him.

whether you recognize this or not, it's probably the case. it gets you nowhere. sometimes you choose this person and hope he'll change but, honey, he won't. he will never treat you the way you secretly wish you'd be treated. you'll still feel empty whether or not you will admit it.
i realize the things i've said are harsh. i'm not being holier than thou because i've been there, too. at some point, you have to decide what you want for yourself, what you DEMAND for yourself, and take nothing less. if you accept a whole lot of nothing, you can expect to be given a whole lot of nothing.
By Anonymous on "Thou hast the keys of Paradise; Oh, just sex and mighty cocaine!"

Ice Queer..

I don't know about cocaine.. but I concur sex is good. I have an entire blog dedicated to sex, because it's good stuff. I think everyone deserves good sex. In fact, I have a theory. I think if everyone had good sex there would be no Muslim terrorists. If someone is having fantastic sex why on earth would they go looking for 30 or 40 (what's the count nowadays?) virgins in some green forest upstairs somewhere...

Continue to have good sex, and lots of it.
By Wandering Scarab on "Thou hast the keys of Paradise; Oh, just sex and mighty cocaine!"

LOL!
I laughed my head off reading the post.. What wouldn't I give to be 20 again?
Breezing in and out, of love, sex, friendship..I am never tired of saying that humans are complex creatures, who have complex needs, no matter how much we try to theorize on the "basic instincts" and "immediate material needs", we are never completely certain if we understand ourselves enough, and hence our needs, to actually know how to fulfill them.
Or whether what we are doing, actually will fulfill these needs.
A man traveling through any city, looking for company is no dating material.
Any girl can tell you that.
Most girls know that.
So there goes your two eligible dates.
There remains Mr. K, your teenage crush, Jesus, all this puppy love makes me noxious.
Dump his sorry ass and find something better to do.
If a guy wants you, he will show it, he will say it, he would put a ring on it! *snap snap*
If he doesn't, then he doesn't and its not worth your time.

And what the hell with all the raving about S's party?? This is not the East Side!
You two faced bitch!
kisses
By E on "There's always a butt!"

its not about possession its about common decency
1. the guy sleeps with you the day before
2. you take him out to a party...
3. he leaves with another guy

we are not animals we dont need to have sex with different guys every day ... well eventhough we would like to...its not about possesion but it is about possesion we own this guy ... you are the only who knew him when you got him to the party and did him a favor rather than him sitting alone in his house... even if he didnt have sex with you... he shouldnt go have blatantly sex with another guy... again its about decency... and again we are not animals
By Q(aka S) on "Me & my possessive side, have you two met before?"

Hmmm..inside you seems like a comforting, warm and loving place to be. LOL !!
S and E from the UAE.
By S&E on "He's just not yet inside of me!"

bobo...cant help but comment, tho i never thought i would before...i know we tend to be over-analytical, but this is too much sweety...why dont u let things flow ? i dont see no vibes or nothing, just a normal after party call...at least out of courtesy...yet i find it useful that you got tht idea he wasnt interested early enough...his answer wouldve been otherwise...donno, its too early...u know that kind of common sense...he seems like quite a sane and nice guy...see how it goes as friendship...can you try not to let him inside you ??

Xx , K
By K on "He's just not yet inside of me!"

K, i was sort of there with IQ that day it was interesting and i think his analysis are correct... i dont think he even way over analyzed .. actually what even suprized more about IQ was his reaction when i spoken to him the next day he was very mature in handling this.. like if i saw other guys in his situation and they met this stud .. and trust me oh he was a stud and not only just looks he had everything good as apackage they would have went all like "why was he not into me" "should i call him the next day" then they will send the guy a million messages... and i seen it happen infront of my own yes with other guys around him... IQ had a very chill responce which was like ...mmmmm yeaaa if he calls he calls if he doesnt eshta...and with regards to his entry being anylitical i dont know i thought it was the right amount its healthy for a person to look at himself and analyze whats happening in order to grow personally and learn from these new experiences

Cheers
Q formerly known as S
By Q(aka S) on "He's just not yet inside of me!"

Haven't been around for a while. I came today and found that I have been quoated with that grain of love or hate! Thank you.
I enjoyed the post, and from now on "wearing Eltawheed Wel Nour in a room full of Chanel" will be my occasional words when they are relevant.

Don't get surprised even when it is the title of a new post of mine when I get the energy to show up again in my blog.

Black.....
By Anonymous on "He's just not yet inside of me!"

Sweetheart, why are u so determined to be in a relationship...is it for the sake of being committed to someone or do u really want to have someone?
I Guess u shall set ur requirements for a partner n if u stumble along ur path with someone who fits the picture and is showing mutual interest,then go for it and don't let it slip away...
we all are dependent in our own way and there no point from framing urself in a commitment where either u dont get what u need or ur not fulfilling the other part needs...
Hell be a Slut(in a good way)for as long as it takes...

Cheers
Cute Lad from that beach theme party!!
By Anonymous on "Sigmund Freud, ANALyze this!"

Wrinkle wrinkle little scar!

2009-07-08T05:55:00.005+03:00

Yesterday 7th of July was the first anniversary of my blog, it felt so weird but in a good way, I read my previous and felt that it was someone else who wrote them, I never thought that my blog would last that long(45 posts of 11,061 total page views & 6,834 total visits!), I've never ever thought that one day I'd write anything but my blogging experience always surprised!
So I decided not to write about my life for a change and dedicate this post for my readers, those who always left comments on my different posts, who made me think, laugh, blush, doubt, wake up & change.
The comments will be posted on two posts because they are too many(it was hard to pick only these comments from all the amount of comments)!

i love the way you show no mercy
an inspiration to everyone out there!!
By Convict on "What the fuck has Jesus to do with it?!"

I love the words
This one of the best. Especially when u burried the words inside him, Thank god u burried it there, and hope its just gone there
By Anonymous on "The worst hangover ever: The Bonus sex!"

I definitely understand the lower-middle class attraction. There's something about a grimy place in a god forsaken area that's an instant aphrodisiac haha.
By Anonymous on "Social class gap: Double dating!"

I think we already established that the argument of taxonomy of sexual pathologies is outdated. By at least a hundred years. So while some people here might think they are keeping up, they are using a Western moral discourse, that even the Wes abondened.
How original is that?
Can't you come up with your own "terms" or definitions? Why use scientific Latin to speak about "our morality"?
Assuming we are a Muslim, Middle Eastern, Arabic society?
And you know whats funny?
Discussing desire is not new to this society.
You know what I would like to see?
If one person, one person who writes one of these bigoted comments was educated at all.
But alas! Everyone who reads this blog, and wants to stand for the moral, upright nature of this society is grossly misinformed.
Read your own history darling, then come discuss desire and sexuality.
Instead of borrowing hackneyed, overused, obsolete moral discourses.
Which is I think is hysterically funny!
Now, how about you go fuck yourself, which I don't think you know how, because you are, surprise surprise, shy!
By E on "Pansexuality should be the Future's label!"

Give the comment above an award. It's like they forgot the sex-mad poets we had in the Middle Ages... When it was shameful to show an ankle in the west.
By Anonymous on "Pansexuality should be the Future's label!"

this touched me in a way i can not explain .
xoxo
By S. on "Ice queer? Ah OUI!"

ok.. i've just came accross ur blog, only cause u replied to a post on scene and heard that i left...
if i had ever met you we would be great friends (sorry, no testise in this premises-only vaginal instruments, that havent been working for quiet sometime)
ur thoughts are liberating, entertaining and touching...
be who u r... learn from ur mistakes... and always be true to urself...
bravo begad...
a potential fan...

SMF
By Anonymous on "Ice queer? Ah OUI!"

Awesome! I could taste the mixture of drinks, hash and lust as I went through your short entry.
Can't wait for the rest!
By Lou on "Would you pretend we're only friends if I kissed you?"

Well I think age has nothing to do with it. And no, it might not be that great dating someone who's just you in everyway, ofcourse you have to be ''on the same level'' but he doesn't have to be that similar to you, you know? Because you'd still feel something is missing and all would turn to be too boring after a while.

Undefined relations are the most complicated. Be careful not to get so carried away with your feelings. Enjoy your time. Don't hurt yourself and have things always under control.

Peace.
By Gia on "The truce hurts!"

Mr.Right Now.
Enjoy it until it lasts.
It will end. Everything does.
Squeeze its juice, and enjoy the drunken lusts for no matter how long it comes.
By ... and then God created Men! on "The truce hurts!"

My friend, and I am calling you friend because for some weird reason I can relate to most of your posts. I just wish I can explore more sides in you than your dating/sex life. and I am sure you have more things to offer.
Everyone is unique in some way or another, so yeah, you are different in your own way and hopefully oneday I will get to have a real life conversation with you
By cairodude on "The truce hurts!"

Now this is a VERY interesting topic to read, especially those first lines.
Being a good writer, why don't you elaborate more about the reasons of what you felt, rather than telling us what those feelings where.
Everyone in your place would feel humiliated and broken, but why ? everyone has his own reasons, and you, have different reasons. Explain them.

P.S: It's not that easy in developed countries to sue people, it's not like what you see in theaters, and believe me this ain't the problem, any man would react differently, if he was here in Egypt, or even in Switzerland.
By Anonymous on "Steaming out!"

I'm highly against medications, i've been on them for too long and i hated every minute of it, somehow i prefer to live with my "madness" and i am ready to die because of it rather than to be dulled out by medications, they slowly killed me inside. Some shrinks do prescribe drugs to cure homosexuality by the way, they kill your sex drive to ensure your abstinence.For a therapy to work though, you need a full collaboration between you and your doctor, so don't listen to opinions, pace yourself according to your feelings and needs,get all the information you need about what you both will do and how will it affect your life and make conscious choices. This day is all that is promised to you, live it right.
Good luck.
By Anonymous on "Officially OUT!"

This post made me smile, do u really think that a doctor that experienced (or anyone as a a matter of fact) would really buy that you met only two gay guys, just for a coffee and that you wonder if there are guys feeling the same and that the only thing he would doubt of would be if u kissed a guy on the lips?!!!
I agree with S, it's useless to lie, it will just make the process longer, i believe u have to choose your way, u either stand for your position or you get back in the closet as that guy with the weird name told u (the one in the previous post) (which entails lying, of course).
There is one last possibility though, but i believe it won't be received popularly in this blog; did u ever think to actually try that therapy? I mean you sound like you reached a good point of acceptance of your sexuality, so i don't think talks and mind games would actually push you back to the place where you hate yourself for liking men, i mean what do u have to lose? if it works you will have known that you had unresolved problems, if it doesn't, you can honestly tell your parents "i tried and it didn't work out" and you can all move on together, in any case, you would have actually made a journey of self discovery with yourself, you'd have stripped off all of the masks/roles you ever wore/played, even with your own self and found out the true you. As S said, this is a good chance (S we agree so much, we should date!), not because of the talking, but because you are in a place were you can question everything you think and everything you think you believe/feel, (even your own moral code, your darkest deeds/secret desires that you never shared, not even with your best friend) and watch it from an external point of view, once it is out there, abstract, it becomes a matter of discussion between you and your doctor.
My biggest advice if u chose this last option is to refrain from judging, opposing and refusing anything the doctor says, just absorb it and weigh it. I was a fighter with my psychiatric i'd attack and defend and only recently i realized that i was afraid, afraid that he might be right, that he might say something that would make me realize i wasn't really gay, I was afraid of that because it had taken me too long to accept my sexuality as a nature and not as a choice, that if i had found out that that wasn't true i'd have no excuse for my "immoral" actions, only now i realize that back then, even if i dated, had sex and thought i was happy being gay, in fact i still considered it deep in my subconscious as something terribly wrong.
Face yourself nordine, it's scary, but it frees you ; "...and the truth will set you free"
By Z(aka XY) on "Therapy session #1"

Should I break the news and tell you that he is playing with you or you have already sensed it? Starting from his disappearance two years ago and then claiming that he vaguely remembered you and bieng suprised you still remember his no and all that bla bla bla.

I would say that most of the infos he gave you about himself is not correct either.

And by the way he only insisted once to meet you when he already felt that you wouldn't be able to make it. Corny trick.

If you realize it but you are still keen to pursue it, fine, but if you have the illusion that there is some "miscommunication" somewhere then you just need a reality slap!

Suribal
By Suribal on "The number you've dialled is not in service, ANYMORE!"

I enjoyed reading ur story, I guess ill call u whenever I need to make some1 change his number.
Anyway, he sounds kind of familiar, does his name start with M.N.?
save ur time and look for NORMAL guys
loved ur story ;)
By Spectacular on "The number you've dialled is not in service, ANYMORE!"

when i had those days struggling with myself ..i met a guy i wasn`t so young , i was almost 22 .. he was the first guy i`ve ever met in my life .. i felt guilty for only seein him and i met him another time , i made some excuses to end it up(tho it didn`t start even).
i told him i`ll change bla bla bla
he told me that his friends tried with well known and famous psychaetrists and it never worked which means ,forget it .. anyway years passed and once i chatted with the owner of this blog , nordine and i felt sorry cos i met queeny like guy (at a friend`s place) and felt sorry i`m gay .. nordine told me in words ( i thought u passed this period of ur life) he meant i`m old now and i`m supposed to be over such thoughts and i`m supposed to know what i really want now .. i thought he passed the same period too ..
but my question for u nordine if it happens to read this ., do u want to be str8 ? expecting it to work after all those experiences , ur life with guys was long phone calls and with girls was only missed calls.
anyway what i know about physical dependance in homosexuality cases makes me believe it is hard to stop the feeling .. may be u can stop the action but the feeling will be always in u .. and oneday u may explode or live ur life frustrated cos u fear god (maybe in some cases) or ur family society etc .. finally ur life will pass and u lose .. so the earlier u know what u want the more happiness u can get ..
wish u good luck with ur experience at a shrink`s
By Anonymous on "And the therapy continues....Coming Clean!"

I like your blog it is very frank I think that in itself is therapy I am glad you do not think there is something wrong with you do not let anyone tell you other wise :)
By Paul on "And the therapy continues....Coming Clean!"

Loool @ love to revenge
I've been fwded this on FB. I hate to fill these things up
U forgot to mention ur Samira Said performance :)
I've just discovered that I could a feed for this blog to my RSS app on my iPhone. Bathroom time never been more fun :P I read all ur posts.
One last thing. By all means, u r ICE QUEEN
By Spectacular on "25 things about me!"

I'll just point out a few sentences I particularly liked :
I always wondered why these girls are taking all college-related stuff too serious?!

"they are not that smart, they are just a walking parrot "

"guys everywhere who look like LAMEr Hosny"

Now don't You feel you sound a bit :
"aggressive, criticizing everything and judging all people"

and that you are not letting others:
"live your life any way you like"

Ice queer, you might think this is to attack you but in fact it isn't, could easily spot those sentences because i used to (and still do at times) do exactly the same, in my quest of claiming my freedom of choice and difference I let my ego take over and i became the know it all laughing at all the idiocy i see around.

Balance, my friend, balance, their being wrong won't make you more right by the least bit.
By Blog Reader on "Life theater!"

I loved this post,you didn't filter your thoughts so this is what made it interesting.
Anyways, I am gonna say this, just think if you were reincarnated as someone else, a suburbs person for instance, you would have been listening to Tamer, if you were reincarnated as this veiled girl, you would have done the same thing, I think human beings are a product of factors, it's not really their choice in the very first place to be who they are..
Have a great day.
By Anonymous on "Life theater!"

Being a friend with an ex means what? Really considering him a close friend and you go out together, meet regularly and confide to each other? or it means keeping a reasonable friendly level of communication after breaking up?

The first is rather difficult IMO but it isn't impossible, while the second is very possible in my experience (as long as the break up was not a bloody one!)
I even believe that being a friend with an ex is the best sign that our feelings got totally neutralized towards him/her. If we can not look in the face of an ex and talk to him/her without feeling a grain of love or hate, it is then I know it is really over.
By blackcairorose on "What the Fuck @#*^%$^?!!!"

Nice to see a guy not ashamed to talk about his feelings seriously usually guys are so stuck up about this. U r a refreshing change :)
By Sou on "Beauty and the Priest!"

Love well, Whip well!

2009-07-04T10:37:00.001+03:00

I've experienced BDSM two times so far, I've always wanted to try it, to know where my limits are, to break barriers and boundaries, to send myself into a more primal raw connection, to erase the civilized conventions and attain that connection, space, where there is no skin, no outer layers, but simply raw primal emotion.
I somehow believe that submission can actually engender power; realizing that you have something to give, that you are capable of mastering your own will to give it up the way your top wants it instead of the way you think he should want it, can inspire pride, not the false pride of inflated ego, but the true pride that comes from knowing the raw depths of yourself!

My Master is a 40something German doctor whose dominant nature is real deep & visceral; an eye that do more work than both his hands, something that has nothing to do with the good looks, charisma, dressing well, "dominant" personae and all the trappings of BDSM as I think all these things are easy to fashion.
My first time with him was more about the blindfolds, collar, handcuffs, chain, ropes, nipple clippers and all those kinky tools but I didn't enjoy it that much; a chain and a blindfold doesn't make it BDSM, I donno..It's not a sexual thing to me, it's a very spiritual thing.
I enjoyed more my second time with him without any tool, I was a "working" bottom who was actively putting the Top's "work" to joyful use, for me it was not into my ear he whispered but into my heart, it was not into my lips he kissed but my soul, He call me slave and I call him master and It wasn't physical in any way.

So I knew that I can never be a slave as I'm more dominant on bed but I also can't be a master...I can't explain it, I guess I'm a dominant bottom, I'm very controlling and power for me is the ultimate aphrodisiac; I'll get on my knees when you get on your elbows! I like men who compel my strength, who make enormous demands on me, who do not doubt my courage or my toughness, who do not believe me naive or innocent, who have the courage to treat me like a whole and not a half who completes a whole!

Meanwhile, does abnormal pleasure kill the taste for normal ones? Am I making any sense?

Sigmund Freud, ANALyze this!

2009-06-22T16:56:00.003+03:00

Oh ice why do you always cross paths with such people who give mixed messages and are not that frank about their feelings, is it the sign of the century or people just think they are too good to admit they are into someone beats the hell out of me but hoping you would meet someone who knows what he wants and are not afraid of going after it.
Until then drop Stud till he knows what he wants!
Sou-One-Canobee, a dear blog reader's comment on my last post

My blog is almost one year old(that's why I gave her that brand-spanking new outfit ;)) , I quickly ran through my old posts and it's got me; I've a pattern of my own! I wondered If I really meet the same guy all over again every time? Do players/guys change but the game is always the same with me? Do I think that I always see the right flags, but in the end after long time those flags turn red and I see the guy's true colours? And If I really do have a pattern of my own, What would I do to break it; Try some out-of-my-fav-league-guys on? But what if this new league will be a league of morons, will I afford that change? will I be able to restore my very old pattern? Or Should I've a détente and not to have any pattern? But can we live without patterns, no matter how hard we try not to have one?

Apparently my pattern is very obvious to people around me, I either like the "new-guy-who-just-came-out-to-dating-websites-&-gay-life" or the "traveller" guys! Well the first type of guys usually attracts me more donno why, maybe cuz they are new or that they are pure or they are usually sexy but on the other hand, I usually attract them like a magnet; most of my new contacts on MSN are of this kind of guys! I guess I explained them enough via my posts about Mr.B & Ibby for example and they always wreck it in the end!
Meanwhile, the "traveller" guys usually make me fall into the sex haze; you know where the sex is really great and you start acting like a crazy person then you start to imagine that the relationship is something it's not!

But is it only that I like the wrong guys or I've some issues of my own that I don't know about? Did I unintentionally wreck the relationship with some of the guys I've been seeing/dating? Was I wrong when I always figured out that the reason behind the failure is either their issues or external factors? Am I high maintenance? Do I scare them off by my experience and how somehow out I'm? Am I awfully picky person? Do I always find a reason to break thing up? Am I philophobic?

I've been single for almost 3 years now and I've figured out that I really can't maintain having a relationship; I'm not independent enough for the 25-35 guys and I'm way mature for the guys around my age! So I guess I should work on the very long-termed relationship I've been having for 3 years now; me & myself!

He's just not yet inside of me!

2009-06-07T13:31:00.002+03:00

It was Thursday, I was so bored I could die, almost everyone is outside Cairo, there wasn't any party in the corner, so I thought it's just about time to go on a date with that "Str8 acting" guy who made an appearance on my MSN after long time of being offline! So I called him, he had another call, I hanged up and waited for him to call back but he didn't! So I didn't bother and called Jovee to meet him up for some drinks in down town with his friends.

In a moment in between drinking and discussing Obama's speech; the "stud du jour" called me, he said that he's going to call me this weekend but I didn't give it much attention donno why, he said that he'll be around my part of the city in a while and was checking what I'm up to! I told him that am going back to one of Jovee's friend's place so I'll be waiting there until he arrives. And just right after I hanged up; my "Str8 acting" guy called and asked where I'm and what I'm up to, so I told him the same though I wasn't that keen to meet him!
so I made it to Jovee's friend's place, fixed myself a drink and was starting to enjoy it when stud du jour called me announcing his arrival to our meeting point, I told him that I'll be there after 5 minutes and excused from Jovee and his friends. While driving to our meeting point, I could only think about how invincible my self-confidence became; I was so surprised of myself, few years ago If I was about to meet someone who is too hot for me like stud du jour, I get nervous, uncomfortable and anxious as if I was wearing Tawheed Wal Noor in a room full of Chanel, but now it got totally different though I'm pretty much still physically the same so I could help but wonder what have changed? Is it the not-expecting-anything? or my experience over the past 5-6 years? or the very known fact about me that I always get what I want no matter how long it takes me?! How far invincible would my self-confidence get? Isn't it a slope that is too slippery without boundaries?!....BAAAM I drove in the wrong direction and the officers,who were blurry shaped for me right now when I landed my eyes on him, took my driving license and registration paper and I was determined to pay 70 pounds in the station by Saturday!

I parked and got inside his car, we talked while he was wandering by the car then he asked me If I'd like to join him & his friends on the birthday party of his ex.boyfriend, he mentioned his friends' names, I know some of them and S was already there so I couldn't find a reason not to join him although I didn't quite digest the idea of meeting his friends while we've just met, and oh don't get me start talking about the idea of attending his ex.BF's birthday party! I never understood the "becoming friends" illusion, I just don't have the patience to clean up more and more mess after getting over an ex.BF and moving on but is it true what some people say? that keeping a reasonable friendly level of communication after breaking up where you can look in the face of an ex and talk to him/her without feeling a grain of love or hate, it's then you know it's really over?!

His friends had been really drinking their asses off, they were so sweet and funny especially his ex who I've always perceived that he is cold and stuck up but I LOVED the drunk ex of him although I got bored very quickly because I got more sober minute by minute, stud also was getting bored for the very same reason and when I thought the boredom would get any further, S took stud aside and then he came back to me saying that stud is not interested! I was like "WTF?! How could u do so? What was the conversation about?!" then S told me that he said he's not interested and out of the blue I found S grabbing me and confronting me with stud to let us talk and see if we were interested or not!!! I felt so embarrassed and would have killed S right there If I didn't know that he was wasted, that's typical drunk S; saying the politically incorrect words with the wrong people in the very bad time!
So before I'd become cruella de ville, I felt it was time to call it a night!

In my way back home, I kept narrating in my head what S had told me as I didn't get any negative vibe or message from stud's side and I always trust my instincts so I just disregarded what he had said and threw it away just when I was brushing my teeth and taking my contacts off; stud was calling me! I didn't expect that he'd call so I waited a little bit before picking up, we said the regular Hellos and he said that he was calling to check on and see if I got back home one piece! It was so sweet of him but what does that mean? the ball in my court or something? I'm the one who will have to make the next move? I never liked this kind of politics and I already know that this is not going anywhere further than sex and maybe friends, so why the whole mixed vibes and messages?
Is he just not that into me or is he just not inside of me yet? This is the question!

Too much information!

2009-06-02T16:13:00.001+03:00

Okay, S knew how to take some answers out of me in an interview which he just posted on his blog!
Check it out and tell me what do you think =)

Magic Mirror on the Wall, Who is the fairest one of all?

2009-05-26T15:14:00.004+03:00

My last session with my shrink was kinda interesting, he said that I've dual personalities; a person who is very successful, smart, COLD, very self-confident, perfectionist and has OCD..etc and another person who lays very deep under the surface who is searching for something, seeking to better know himself and life; who is so into psychology, dreams(literally), astrology, body language, religions, after life and could easily get furious!
I couldn't help but wonder; Which one truly am I? How much do our interests tell about us? Do I've only dual personalities? Will I develop multiple personalities disorder in the future or bipolar maybe?!
But I believe he is wrong, am the same person in both personalities; I love my life yet I'm very curious about what happens after we die, I'm very self-confident yet I care about how others perceive me & my body language, I'm smart yet I believe in star signs & astrology, I've OCD yet I always want an explanation for what I dream about and call anyone I dream about, I'm agnostic yet I've moderate religious parents! Yes, I'm all of that in one....!

And speaking of my shrink, I won't trust him anymore; he told my parents that I don't have any motive to "undo" my homosexuality! Yes, I'm very aware that no matter what he says or does, he still indirectly wants me to be heterosexual, but I just don't get it; how come he wants me to be a heterosexual and in the very same time he wants me to have a boyfriend and be in a healthy relationship!
So I'll manipulate everyone of them! I'll be the son every parent wishes to have; I'll pray & attend religion classes, I'll do sports and be such an obedient son. And I'll totally convince my shrink that I want to change and got bored of my gay life so everyone will be happy although I know that I'll put my double-life to the max by doing all of that, but I don't care, I just won't allow anyone to screw up my life and how I want to live PERIOD

Me & my possessive side, have you two met before?

2009-05-17T22:02:00.003+03:00

Thursday night, sipping my cappuccino in my favourite cafe, blowing some smoke circles, chatting with some friends and checking some websites to pass the time until I decide which "going-out" plan that would suit me the most. Time passed and there isn't any one of my friends who came up with any interesting plan and before I knew it; an international number was vibrating my mobile and the light effects reflected on my ear to ear smile, I didn't immediately recognize the voice, he said that we met long time ago at Harry's pub and that I was with a girl friend of mine, but I finally recognized him when he said his facebook name, he is "Bash" a late 20-something years old successful Saudi bourgeois!
So I changed my plans from going out with fellas to blowing a phallus; it was a call in the perfect timing, I already had no interesting plans yet and my last time sex with almost 3 weeks ago!

One hour later, his room's door opened and I was greeted by a very sexy figure, just about my type; The sexy tanned defined body, the skin head, the edible lips, the nicely haired chest and the dirty beard and a while later he developed a tent in his pants that scout boys could have camped there!
Sex was obviously great and I enjoyed his company over dinner at that cosy Marriott's Royce restaurant, we talked about past, present and future; the mutual friends we've, our interests, his career of advertising and I couldn't resist telling him about my blog when he told me about his book! I usually don't talk about my blog with anyone who would be a potential material that could be blogged about! So I thought that he could be my plus one for the next day's big Birthday party of my friend "Mohinder", he fits in that criteria; he has interesting personality and sexy looks!

Friday night, Me, Bash & my LEO Jordanian friend were waiting in front of Mohinder's BF's dublex apartment with me having spasmed calves & back and severe headache from the too much standing and exposure to sun in the afternoon in Korba's carnival(aka my TESTERONE carnival!) with my very sweet friend "Iten"!
I made an entrance, greeted my friends, went upstairs to change to my beach wear as it was the party's theme and I couldn't wait to see Mohinder's facial expression when he opens my gift which was a whore version of Barbie Doll!
Bash kept my company while I was fixing myself a drink to ease the pain and the headache, I then introduced him to most of my friends, we moved along with the music and I kept his company for almost all the time because he doesn't know anyone so I definitely don't want him to feel cast-ed away. Few minutes later many guys arrived and some of them were trying to hit on Bash, I don't know why but I was mad at them though it has nothing to do with neither him nor them, it's perfectly fine that guys would hit on him and he responds; he is in town for few days and he needs some fun, but at that moment I really felt the possessive side of me so clear and obvious! I know that I shouldn't act that way, we are not even dating and we won't because he's a traveller, so I really disliked my possessive nature that night and it screwed my mood when I left the party!

He left around 1:30 and he didn't let me walk him to the door as he's already leaving with that trashy American guy, so I kissed him goodbye, fixed myself a 4th drink and headed to the dance floor to shake the stress away or let me rephrase it; to "bash" the "possess" away and the disco ball's rays diverse-d it away indeed!

So here I am, back home with an irremovable birthday stamp on my hip bone, typing this and thinking about that sexy guy who figured out that I'm the owner of this blog when I told him my Moroccan name(Nordine, the one I use on the blog), he kept gushing about my blog, I was flattered but I freaked out because I felt naked with all my stories in front of a total stranger!
Anyway I'd meet Bash again but I'm sure going to read his autographed book edition in the next days!

Life smiles again!

2009-05-14T17:46:00.002+03:00

My father just got me a new laptop! I'm so fucking happy, u've no idea! It's like one of the greatest things that could happen/ed to me this year!

It's silly that you only see life beautiful when you are happy; I got so happy for my friend "Native" for losing 7KG of fats(not that he was really fat anyway) and working out really hard to get in the fabulous body shape we all dream about! I also got very happy for my "Spectacular" friend for dating "the one" and getting head over heels, he needed someone like the guy he's dating aka his future boyfriend because unfortunately Spectacular is a kind of guy that gets SO motivated and optimistic when he is in a relationship so you can imagine how much he's over the moon now with someone that perfect!

That's the first post to be posted from my brand new laptop! =)

There's always a butt!

2009-05-06T21:33:00.004+03:00

"Just stop seeing the person that I've been and start seeing the person I
could be. Look at me, not the Edie that I show the world. In fact - let's
lose her. Forget the blouse that she wears because she knows it shows off
her cleavage. And the skirt that's so short, because she knows that guys
love long legs. And the heels, the ones that make her legs look even longer.
Forget the bra that holds her breasts a little higher than they are on their
own these days. And the panties, the ones that hide the scar from my
c-section. This is it. Hi, Carlos. I'm Edie. I might not be the woman that
you thought I was under all of that but I'm real, and I'm here. And I'm
asking for a chance."
Edie - a desperate housewife

It's been a while since I last wrote anything, lots of things were happening lately that I wanted to write about but I ended up writing nothing with no significant reason like S's Black & White fabulous party which was full of in-closet guys, Echo's housewarming party that was literally a FISH party packed up with lots of Lesbians, my sister's future fiancé & my forbidden lust, my sexy colleague who truely represents our homoerotic culture; giving me "hard" time in elevators & living up to my homoerotic high school teenaging hormones that I've never experimented!
Yet, I couldn't resist writing about three particular guys who "popped up" in my life lately.

Addy, a 26 years old South African Indian guy who was raised in London of a Business tycoon father & a designer mother, very sexy looking, very impressive personality & a career that is highlighted by building-up himself without his parents' help or interference , bottom line; a very successful good looking fashionista.
I've been chatting with him for so long but we couldn't meet because he partially lives in Egypt and not even in Cairo, so I got so excited when he told me last April that he'll be visiting Cairo for few days and the next thing I knew, we were having dinnger at Sequoia over the spring nile view!
He really knew how to arouse my interest and hold it, how to move from a point to another and from a topic to another, how to impress me with unsual things...etc I so wanted him to be my plus one for S's B&W party, so I invited him and passed by his hotel in the next day to pick up with him what he would wear for the party, had few drinks before we go and 30 minutes later we were passing through the black & white curtains to ring the villa's bell, got myself comfortable with having many familiar faces around, fixed myself a bacardi(my fav!) so I can quickly get into the mood, then we danced together and the rest is history!
Next day, I went to his room in the afternoon, had long talks, cuddled, had sex and actually cuddled again(so not me lol)! The sex was amazing(I do LOVE Scorpios on bed) but it wasn't about the sex, it was about the moment after; when the world stopped & I felt safe and secured!

But, he is partially living in Red Sea, spends most of the year in South Africa, so it is not going to work out no matter how much I like him!

José, a 28 years old Spanish Coloumbian guy working in Lodon, we met two weeks ago in Sofitel Gezirah's nile garden over 2 Michelle's Roses drink, he surprised me by how quickly and intensely I got comfortable around him, I met him with the intent of having just a one night stand but little Did I know that I'll instantly like him and spend more than 6 hours with him; we talked about everything from politics to gay lifestyles in different countries...too much clicking for me with a Taurean guy!
A while later, we went to his room, my dick went from being as soft as cocoon to as hard as a nuclear warhead, I was getting naked without breaking up our kiss, got captured by his looks; the thick pitch black eye brows, pools of dark brown for eyes and a treasure tail that would make a pirate jealous! whoever said that Spanish guys are great on bed is a big fat psychic! The sex was mind-blowing, I didn't see that coming, it was the best sex I've had in months and I'm not exaggerating!
We then showered together, wanted to complain to the hotel management about the tiny bath tabs despite the great renovations they did to the whole building, orderd dinner to the room, watched a movie on TV together and then I had to give him some sleep before his early morning London flight!

I liked him so much, he has the whole package of my dream man, but he lives in London and he only comes to Cairo two times a year!

K! over & over! He is back to Cairo for a short notice before he travels to his next destination, I've met him few times in that small vacation but they were too intense to maybe equal to the other times I saw him in the past 2 years altogether!
I got bored of the whole "unlabeling" pahse were in for so long, I thought it's about time to end the "being casual" thing and confront him with what has been stored on my mind in a dusty corner! I told him what I don't like about him; that he's always busy with his too many friends, that he rarely takes any move and that he doesn't express his emotions or what's on his mind thought I totally understand the latter two as it is a Scorpio nature but I just couldn't tolerate it anymore, I really like him so much, I want to be with him and I can see a future for us together though it is weird for me say that about someone I've not slept with yet!
Back in the past when we first met, I knew he liked me and I was the total bitch I'm but now it has got reversed and he is not sure If he still has those old feelings deep inside or not! I sensed that he has a lot to say but can't express it so I requested him to write down everything he wanna say and I'll wait for that message!

He has probably arrived to his destination while I'm typing this, I know that he'll read this post & freak out but I don't care, I steamed ou what I wanted to say and I'll be waiting for him when he comes back on August because he's worth it & he made me pass through things that I haven't experminted in a LONG time; I was that close to shut down my profile in all the gay dating websites!

Phew! such a long post!

Thou hast the keys of Paradise; Oh, just sex and mighty cocaine!

2009-04-18T21:57:00.002+02:00

Thursday 1AM, in a bar in Maadi with some friends, chitchatting with them, sipping my drink, heard my mobile pronouncing a ringtone that it hadn't play long time ago, I grabbed it, inhaled my Kent6 and read Mr.B's message "Do u wanna fuck", I wasn't surprised as I was expecting that kind of message from him after his tragic float on my life's surface back again and while putting my phone back on the table, the ringtone played again so I quickly read his message "Ill kiss", I got strayed with my emotions and thoughts; is he that desperate? When has sex became a deal for him, that he has to give up something in return so he can seal the deal?! Do I really feel like seeing him again anyway?!!
I didn't reply and I let go the whole dilemma but I told one of my friends(and also a dear blog reader) about it, so he told me "If you are emotionally fragile these days, then don't go!"..I just smiled and knew that I wouldn't be able to explain myself(don't have the energy to do that already) and it is not about emotions for starters!

1:30AM, the waiter kindly asked if we want to order anything as it's the last order, so we ordered the cheque and my "ID/It" started to order my "Super-ego" to let go!
So we left and I texted "B" informing him that I'm coming only If it is going to be GREAT sex as I'll drive all the distance from Maadi to Nasr City and back to Maadi again!

2:00AM, waiting in front of his apartment, the door slowely opened and the same figure that I saw last time was standing there; nothing changed about his body shape, attitude or life style, his mother's TV is still on in her room as usual. His room is still pretty much the same; clothes randomly everywhere, Heineken cans all over the space, joints & cigs left-overs, some Economy books and the laptop is on as usual!
I sat down in my everytime's exact part of the couch, lit one of the joints, he was still silent, I wondered why he didn't lock the door, he told me that he is waiting for his dealer to come by so he'll lock it after, I looked at the joint between my long fingers and the ones on the table, so I quickly asked why don't you score tomorrow instead of scoring that late and get risky?! He smiled and said that he is waiting his other stuff's dealer! I put a wicked fake grin on my face and heard a voice deep inside me saying "Shit! He's back on ~~track~~ crack!"....So I quickly dropped the subject and we then talked about some general stuff and what we've been up to...etc

2:15AM, he scored and got back to the room with a white stuff in his hand grip and not on a white horse as my slightly stoned imagination was sarcastically drawing(when you smoke herbs, it reveals you to yourself!), he sat by his desk and started fixing the powder to shortly make the lines, I approached and watched him in excitement as it's my first time ever to witness such a thing, I loved watching what he's doing; liked the ceremony, the ritual of preparing cocaine as much as watching him doing it. I got so tempted to try it, I felt like a kid in front of a jar of candies, I was afraid, curious, excited and thrilled, all in the same time!
I couldn't hold the gulp forming in my throat anymore so I spat it out "B, Can I try? What does coke make you feel?" He went explaining the whole difference between coke and hash but I wasn't listening as much as I was listening to my "It/ID"!
So I ended up sniffing my first line; when it snows in your nose and you catch cold in your brain!

We got back to the couch, making out, eventually got naked and I was surprisingly enjoying every moment of it! He wanted to sniff another line and I couldn't agree more, he fixed a small line for me, I bent over the desk to sniff it, he became behind my back and hold me tightly..it was SO erotic! I donno why I got fucking turned on by his move! Is it the "taboo" feeling? as I felt the same feeling when I first had sex!

Anyway I didn't like cocaine that much, donno if it is because I was already stoned or because I got trapped in my mind with various thoughts..coke truely magnifies your personality!
I just didn't like to escape my reality this way, perhaps we are all refugees from something, but I wouldn't need coke to make me see that there is nothing to fear. that the world we hold into, the lives we cherish, are a part of something greater, something more....something I can't see clearly!
Am I making any sense?!

One straight diet & a family combo plz!

2009-04-13T18:39:00.004+02:00

*Hello
-Good Afternoon sir, thank you for calling pseudo-hetero restaurants, How can I help you today?
*Hmm..I donno, I'm confused what to order.
-Would you like to have something cold & vicious or something warm & happily ever after?
*I've been ordering the cold & vicious mealls from pseudo-homo, your sister restaurant, for the past years so I guess I'm done with it and will take the warm & happily ever after meal for change!
-Perfect choice sir, let me revise the order with you plz.
*Sure!
-You've ordered one straight diet and one family combo.
*Yes.
-Do you want some extra children with the order?
*No, thanks.
-Okay sir, that will cost you all your gay friends, your gay life and identity.
*Okay, no problems.
-30 minutes and your illusion, ehem sorry your order will be delivered, thank you for calling pseudo-hetero restaurants and waiting for your next call.
*Welcome, bye.

I've nothing to say after what I've heard last night! I never saw it coming! I'd have believed it if they told me that my sister became lesbian but would never believe it if they told me that my LEO Jordanian friend became straight!!!1!

Few days after not answering my calls or SMSs, he switched his mobile off! but oh, to be fair, he picked up one time & immediately hang up when he heard my voice!...I didn't give it much thinking in the beginning as I thought maybe he's busy or something, until I bumped into a mutual friend's status on FB and found that he likes her status so I thought of checking his news feed but little did I know that he fucking removed me from his list!!
I quickly texted my friend "S." & explained the situation wondering if he knows anything about him, so he checked and found that he removed ALL of his gay friends and gay acquaintances from his friend list. I instantly sent him a msg on FB checking on him and wondering about what's going on and I also sent the same msg to our mutual friend(the one with the status):
Me: Hey sweety, hru? [My friend's name] removed me frm fb and doesnt answer my calls =S do u know anything abt him or y he did that? =(
Her: he did that with all the gays ..he became straight now and he is dating a very very beautiful gurl and he is going to marry her..i hope u do the same aswell :_)
Me: Interesting!
Where [his BF name] go? Did he become str8 cuz they broke up masalan? =S
Mesh 3aref ya [her name] bass el mawdou3 gharib ya3ni, it cant happen in one night!
Thx dear 4 replying =*
Her: no he left him and decided to be str8 to be able to live in this life and make a family
Me: I know dear that enti malkish zanb 2 tell u so, but plz tell him that i wish him the best in whatever he chose and i need at least 2 meet him 4 the last time 4 the sake of the friendship we once had! I don't even deserve a good bye?!!
Her: u cant meet him ya [my name] at least not now his mom is in egypt
Me: Eb2i khaleeh yekalemni tayeb =S

So C'est tout?! That's all I get? No bloody explanation? If I went to his apartment, would he close the door in front of me?!...I'm so disappointed, we shared a lot together and he already passed the whole "Sexuality confusion" phase LONG time ago! But still, If he chose to be the S word, why would he cast me away of his life in a blink of an eye like that?!! Was our sexual orientation the only only thing we had in common?! OMG!
I know that the gay scene and society in Egypt is not encouraging at all, but If you get fed up with it, you just leave the country or stop meeting guys or whatever!

But NO, I won't surrender, I'll go to his apartment, I'll do my best to get his ex.BF's contacts and call him! I SHOULD MEET HIM! and I deserve at least a fucking goodbye!

I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!

2009-04-03T22:44:00.003+02:00

I'm not being myself lately, I feel strayed, I started to catch the symptoms of having a psychiatric therapy, It started screwing up my brain; making me question my believes, my codes, my thoughts, my concepts...everything. Making me see the whole picture and the tiny details of my life that I unintentionally disregarded. Making me DOUBT everything(and Leos r the best in that!)!!

I started to dislike my relation with my mother more(and eventually hating my mother herself), hating my father's passiveness, becoming pessimistic, boring me of my god damn cold nature, pointing at every flaw in me and my life...I just can't take it anymore, I don't want to continue the therapy, I don't think I need it but I already trapped myself, I can't go back now, I'm scared to confront my parents with that, scared of the consequences and don't want to disturb the somehow peaceful balance I made after the dilemma of being out of parents' closet!

I couldn't do my assignment of writing down my everyday's different emotion, I already embraced the fact that am an emotionless cold natured bitch long time ago and I don't need a daily reminder of that fact.....I just can't do it.

I'm on the edge of falling into a severe depression and little did I know that it's the ironically perfect timing for Mr.B to appear in my life back again as If I need more corruption in my system!

P.S: this blog may so soon shutdown due to the hateful daily reminder that I ran out of interesting men to write about!

100 years of iso-sex-lation!

2009-03-19T17:39:00.002+02:00

Have you ever silently in the crowd looked at your family members or your colleagues or your people in general and thought that you don't belong to them(and not cuz i'm homo)? to this place? to this society? this country? this life?! That you utterly don't/can't fit in and you are not appreciated enough?
Do you always get provoked by their opinions, their thoughts, their double standards, their prejudice to what you are going to say or trying to explain and simply they don't get your jokes & neither you do?!
How many times you tried to adapt and failed? How hard did you try? How often do you rethink if is it all worth any effort? Would that make you feel lonely?! Is that what am going through and causing my loneliness sometimes? Am I really lonely?! Was my shrink's impression/diagnosis last session right? That I'm lonely and miserable?! Would my claimed acute promiscuous life style indirectly induce that? Am I that promiscuous to begin with(he wants me to take a sex addiction test lol)?!

I've recently been considering to only sleep with guys that I'd be seeing or dating & to reduce/stop the random sex, my shrink affirmed that too(Gee! I just said "My shrink said.."!!)...but is it really true that I'd find love if I did that? less thinking about sex will restore thinking about finding love or at least will achieve some balance between the two powers/desires?! Shall I surrender and give up my concept that love should find my way and not vice versa?
And If all of that came true & miracle happened, can I maintain a relationship? With all my committment issues and my unindependent life?! Where is prince charming aslan(if he exists)?! There is only prince harming PERIOD.

Random Thoughts

2009-03-12T11:12:00.003+02:00

I've been so bored recently and strayed with my thoughts. Random ones about life, friends, future and many other things, my life became so routine these days; college in the morning then having a nap at home then watching TV or playing on the PC then the day repeats itself all over again in the next day until the weekend when I hang out with friends but even going out became so boring; there is no where new to go to, nothing new to do, it's either private home parties or this bar or that restaurant!
I really need a break and TRAVEL, seeing new faces, changing the scene, being laid back from home and stress...just nothing to inhibit me. Only me, the sea & fresh air, but I can't even have that; I'll have to tell more and more new lies to my mother and even if I told her the perfect lie(which I easily do lol), I'll be worried about the suspicions that are going on in her mind now after she knew about me...shall I ask my therapist to help me out with that?

Speaking of therapy, I've been diagnosed that I suffer from loneliness, lack of emotional expression(or more specifically, choosing not to), getting around my problems by avoiding to confront or argue & doing what I want in the end via the wrong path, huge rebelling & furious energy trapped inside me behind the curtain of my calming cold nature & mask-like face.
Well, it is true on many levels and it made me discover myself more & more although I disagree about some points.
I'm really loving the therapy, I look forward to every week's session and enjoy talking with my therapist, but have I became a case study? A guy from reuters contacted me months ago to get some information, I've been interviewed by a friend of mine for her masters about the gay community in Egypt(the first big research about that in Egypt & Middle East), I've also been interviewed by a blog reader for her school research, and now another friend wants me to be his case study for his anthropology PHD which is more about homosexuality in Egypt!
I really like to speak out and try to change the tragic stereotype in Egypt about homosexuals but is it that worth it? Has homosexuality became the "It" topic nowadays with the rareness of guys who would speak out(my friend got very disappointed in many guys who refused to speak although they know her very well especially that she has been in the gay scene for 2 years before starting the field work!)?!

Alexandrie anyone?

Beauty and the Priest!

2009-02-23T12:12:00.003+02:00

It's been such a long time since I last had a threesome, so when the perfect opportunity found my way I couldn't help but grab it....!
I picked up "X"(background: X is someone I wrote about before in the blog under different nickname but he'll be "X" in this post for his own privacy as some of the readers already know him in real), passed by drinkies to get some booze for the mood-setting as I had to totally block my mind so as to truly know if I still have feelings for X or not specially that I get emotional when I'm drunk!
30 minutes later we were searching for the guy's room(Background: he's a Greek Priest from Alexandria, and he doesn't know that I know that he's a priest lol), knocked the door, a shirtless sexy bearded man welcomed us "Hello boys, come on in!", I quickly finished up the chit chat and then my long tongue was inside his preaching mouth while X was in the bathroom doing god knows what!
We quickly got into the threesome mood(thanks to alcohol); switched positions, places, roles, sandwiches and everything! I couldn't help but wonder what is so aphrodisiac about men of religion?! They are always very sexy in my eyes, even the normal religious guys (see: Religious Fetish!), sometimes I feel that when they fuck me they kinda feel that they are doing Satan and fighting their uncontrolled taboo desire by nailing Satan down! Call me sick, call me lunatic, call me pathetic, call me irresponsible, call me whatever but I really enjoy that! The priest sent me to heaven; he was sitting in front of the room's bureau, fixing a joint, sucking my dick, I was smoking another joint and out of the blue I found myself inside him! Hash in my head, cigarette in my mouth, fucking a priest and in front of the MIRROR! Too much fetishes in one time!

So yeah I got baptized in my very own lust-licious way and I 100% knew that I've utterly no feelings toward X anymore!

What the Fuck @#*^%$^?!!!

2009-02-19T10:55:00.003+02:00

NO COMMENT!

It made me laugh my ass out! I remembered when he once asked me when are "Esha" prayers after we just had sex! But, it's just got me; if the one I stayed with for almost a year and few months don't know that I HATE Muslims Brotherhood and I'm not religious to begin with, what does that say about the relationship we had together?!

Anyway, I never believed in being a friend with an ex and this incident proves my point more!

Happy Independence day!

2009-02-14T14:18:00.002+02:00

For all the single ladies and gentlemen out there, wish you a fantabulous Independence day!

For all my ex.dates, ex.bf, promising dates and my beloved friends, wish you a cheerful Valentine's day! But didn't valentine's become too commercial, tacky and cliché?!
Anyway am going on a date tonight with Urban! Yes, believe it or not! He just called me and excused for being in Paris all this time(yeah, RIGHT!), so i'm going to meet him and will revenge in the right moment! I just hope it won't be like Samantha Jones' revenge plan of an ex lol!

Life theater!

2009-02-10T12:40:00.005+02:00

Scene I:
At "Um El Masryeen" hospital, one of Egypt's dusty antiques, waiting for the lousy doctor to show up, most of the class are girls, it's always interesting to secretly follow their conversations specially the ones between those ugly veiled geeky girls, they are jokingly fighting now over each others' parts of today's presentation, not only they recite the research but also they keep drafts between the papers of the research so as to aid them during their speech!
I always wondered why these girls are taking all college-related stuff too serious?! This whole presentation/research will provide them with a bloody 5 marks max! Sometimes I like to examine their IQ and they never failed to disappoint me, they are not that smart, they are just a walking parrot who study and recited dozens of information without even comprehending it!

On the other hand, most of them come from the country side with no social life, so I guess they take college too serious so as to compensate their socially unfulfilled life or their lack of self-fulfillment, they want to prove to themselves & the world that they are out there and they are important!
I am not saying that we shouldn't take college seriously, but be normal! Chill out, make friends(who have more things to talk about other than Doctors, subjects & studying), go to movies, check art exhibitions and live your life any way you like and in the same time be as bright as you can and try to understand what you are studying and reciting! Unfort. people like that are the ones who score in our rotten corrupted educational system of Egypt!

Scene II:
Parked my car beside the subway station to avoid the heavy traffic from the hospital to college, always loved taking the subway though it is very crowded & smelly but I see it as a big open theater, you can witness the huge diversity; all social classes of each race from the beard guy with shortened slack of pants to the bourgeoisie girl! you get the feeling that the platforms are the behind scenes, tube driver is the director, passengers are the cast, their conversations are the scenario, life is the author and you are the only spectactor! so here you go one funny conversation:
- Howa kowayes...3arees kowayes tab3an...bass fi 3eeb kedda! [He's nice...good future husband...but there is something wrong]
# Eh? [What?]
- 3ando "soba3" zeyada fi eido el chemal! [He's an extra finger in his left hand]
# Yakhti!!...khadeteeni!! Dana olt hat2ooli fi neseeba(wa de7ket de7ka khabeesa wa baladi kedda)..e3tebreeh "obtion" zeyada ya 3enaya! [Oh! You scared me, i thought it's something big(laughing a slutty laugh)..consider it an extra option, darling!]

Scene III:
Arrived to college, looked at the regular model of guys & girls, the Egyptian-tanned guy with too much cheaply glowing waxed hair, dirty trimmed beard(and not in the good way), big shades which he attends most of the lectures with(and am sure he doesn't take it off when he goes inside city stars mall in the morning), pumped pecs, tight t-shirt to complete & expose the summer-worked-out-body shape, tight jeans with hideous drawings near the back pockets & ripped at the knees, dark jacket, long necklace, tight leather belt with big "Energie" buckle, a cigarette in one hand and Nokia mobile in the other hand, MP3 headphones descending around his neck, usually listening to Tamer Hosny on his mobile loud speakers! you can meet bunch of guys everywhere who look like LAMEr Hosny, no wonder they call him "Star of Generation"!

And most of the girls are veiled with very tight jeans or bermuda jeans, the noisy colours of her veil(which looks as if it's wrapping a gift not her face) usually match with the eye blinding colours of her body carina, wearing too much make-up & perfume and too many necklaces around her neck to sneak out from her veil!
Meanwhile, girls who wear Niqab are easily spotted, they all look the same; aggressive, criticizing everything and judging all people as athiests, always ready to preach everything that is religion-related as she believes that she knows better than anyone in religion once she wore a dark garbage bag that only shows her eyes making me feel scared of her and doubting if she is a spy male or a human bomb which will explode at any second to clean the college and society from the sons of monkeys and pigs!
You can also notice the rare breed of unveiled girls(usually christians), they always have this long old-fashioned straightened hair or doing a pony tail with scrunchie, wearing very ordinary mismatched outfit and yellowish accessories!

Messages from a heart to heart!

2009-02-08T13:36:00.002+02:00

....Listening to Fairuz's relaxing songs, reflecting a bit, missing sitting by the sea side, missing wintery Alexandria, couldn't help but think about some people so I thought of writting these messages to them, no matter if they will read it or not, understand it or not, appreciate it or not and if I'll be fair enough to them or not!

To André, my Italian guarding angel:
You already know that you are very special and important in my life, I really can't wait for you to come back again to Cairo, you are such a pure and mature person, you are always there whenever I need you, when I need to talk with someone with no agenda, to whine about any trivial hideous thing that bothers me, you never failed to boost my self-esteem and my self-confidence whenever I needed!
I owe you too much!

To Claude, my ex.BF:
Getting over you was not that easy, finding someone else is still not that easy, am not sure if you caused some trust issues trauma for me or not, increased my commitment issues or not, you made me doubt if you ever loved me! How many other guys did you cheat on me with?! you really proved to me that bed language is the most spoken and comprehendible language ever, provided that you only speak French & German(which I doubt too)!
But regardless what happened between us, I google you every now and then to check on you and keep myself posted with ur latest news!
You indirectly made me much more stronger after I broke up with you & broke my heart, so thank you for that! =)

To Ezzie, my eccentric morbid friend:
I know what I'll write won't be very expressive, you are my relationships/dating guru, you are the first one I run to whenever I wanted to talk about someone I'd date or someone am thinking about a little bit too much, I always wondered how someone relatively young could be that mature, intellectual, sophisticated(in the good way =P) and well cultured?! You always impress me with your mental abilities, your intelligence and your uniqueness!
Altough sometimes I get this feeling that you don't care that much about our friendship or that am one of your priorities and that you are a virgo bitch, but I love you and am very thankful to have you in my life!

To Gaby, bad Gee:
I wish I had known you earlies, I still can't remember when and how we first met lol, you are really one of a kind, you never failed to magically draw a smile on my face or make me laugh out loud from the bottom of my cold heart chambers, you are such an easy-going person, very clear and not complicated!
Keep rocking my life like the party dive you really are!

To K!, my unidentified relationship:
We are not friends as I still want you on bed, we are not lovers, we are not fuck buddies and we are not dating, so what are we?!
I love to be around you although you don't take steps and neither do I, I guess we are truely Scorpios about that like what Ezzie told me once before about what Scorpios deal with people: "You keep staying there until I decide what to do with you!", I get very jealous whenever I feel that someone would grab you out of my grip, donno if it is part of my possessive nature or not but I just can't imagine you with someone else!
You'd be surprised how much I miss you these days! Maybe because you are away? I'm scared that I'd tell you very soon that I love you.....!

To Karim El Werdany(Mohamed), my missing friend:
I'm dieing to know where the hell are you? I still remember our last phone call 3 years ago when you told me that you came out to your parents and then you suddenly DISAPPEARED!
I guess you traveled to your father in Switzerland! I still have your number and I call you every now and then in an ultimate desperate hope to find your number in service again!
I wish I could just see you or talk to you again! I hope you are doing well and happy in your life!

To Spectacular, my literally spectacular friend:
You have no idea how much I miss you now after you are gone! I never needed to explain myself or anything to you, you always understood me, we have a great bond that nothing would dare to break it even with an evil vicious catalyst!
I never imagined that we would get that close when I first met you, the conversation we had over late lunch at San Stefano mall, what you were wearing that day...I still remember everything as if it happened yesterday!
I miss our days together, the non-stop fun, the endless conversations and EVERYTHING!
Please bring those days back ASAP!

To someone I sleep with:
You made me re-discover the sexual me, you disclosed my deepest black desires, I would never get of your nectar but I can never date you or befriend with you!
I couldn't help but wonder, shouldn't we be in love with the person that we've great sexual chemistry with? The person we fantasize about in the most sleazy scenarios when we masturbate?!...But yeah, unfort. sex is not everything!

P.S: The messages are in an alphabetical order =P
To be continued one day, maybe....!

25 things about me!

2009-02-06T13:19:00.004+02:00

Well, many of you guys don't know much about me, so here you go =P

26th of October 1988 is my birthday, Scorpio of Pisces ascendant
One of my dreams before I die is to drive with an automatic machine gun in my hand
I'm of a Moroccan mother
I was born in Cairo and lived in Jeddah from zero years old to 4-5 years old
I was in Jésuites school during kindergarten but then my father moved me to an English speaking school when he came back from Jeddah to find his beloved son speaks only French and very bad Arabic(which was more Moroccan than Egyptian lol)
I've a sister who's older than me by 2 years and a brother who's younger than me by 8 years
Stupidity really gets on my nerves
I love to smoke; Kent 6 is my fav. cigarettes
I'm always curious to know what happens after we die, which sometimes makes me think about committing suicide to experiment death and after life
I had only one boyfriend before, he was Swiss and it lasted for a year and few months but on and offs
I've commitment issues
I'm Agnostic
I hate being analyzed, being asked personal questions, people who think they know more than anyone do, excessive compliments, having to trust a stranger, lying and deceit, insincerity and apathy
I know Elissa personally and I've met her 3 times lol(lame info, no? =P)
I sound mellow, bored and sleepy on phone so when someone tells me that I sound sexy on phone, i know he's lying! =D
I get bored so easily and nothing impress me much
A lot of tiny trivial things would make me smile
I'm Claustrophobic & Germophobic and I've OCD(all acute state thu lol)
I've armpits fetish
I love it when I come home to an empty house
I love watching movies and sometimes I love going alone to theater
I never forget a thing and I love to revenge
I want to die young
I hate cock rings
I don't talk much about myself in front of anyone, I always tell ppl what I want them to know, I like mysteries, secrets, winning, being acknowledged, passion, honesty and privacy

Feel free to add more info about me, if u know any =)

And the therapy continues....Coming Clean!

2009-01-26T17:34:00.003+02:00

...Waiting for the doctor in the lobby, sitting beside an aging man, excused him if the smoke coming out of my cigarette is bothering him, and before I knew it, we had this conversation:
Him: No, not at all, let me smoke with u
Me offered him a cigarette and lit it: Here u go!
Him: The best thing in life is not to give a damn about anything (To7otaha ta7t reglak)
Me: U mean to stop smoking?
Him: No, am talking in general...we are so stressed, we should pause for a moment and breath
Me: Umm...yeah sure!
Him: So what's ur name?
Me: Nordine
Him: Nordine what? *Trying to see if am muslim or not lol*
Me: Nordine Mahmoud
Him: Are you here to visit someone or..
Me interrupting: Am here for a session
Him: With which Dr.? If i may ask
Me: It's okay, Dr.Emad
Him: He's such a nice person, so kind and decent
Me: Am sure he is! *Cursing the Dr for not appearing any faster to rescue me*
Him: But you are young, life is still having for you, what are u suffering from my dear?
Me: Just a psychological problem
Him: What? Are loving a girl that is screwing up ur life?
Me laughing and exhaling smoke: No, loving a GUY actually!!
Him looking surprised: are you joking?
Me: No am serious, you can't control your heart who to love and who not to love!
Him: it's just a phase don't worry..bla bla bla
Me: I'm not worried, am loving it!
Him: Come on! you are a medical students, you will meet plenty of women and vaginas(using the Egyptian slang)
Me: Unfort. I don't like Vagina!
Him: How u love rectum? it's full of shit..bla bla
Me: And how would you know? Did you try it before to go judge others actions??!
Me continuing and using the slang: And btw, Anus is way tighter than the vagina..am sure u'd love it!
Him: you know what will discipline you?
Me: What? lol
Him: When you'll do your army service!
Me: My dear, believe me, I'll TOTALLY enjoy "doing" my army service, dal shoghl kollo fil 7agat de
Him: *telling me a tale about an Army officer he knows, who picked a tanned muscled soldier from the South to be his own soldier and then started having sex with him*
Me: Ahh..Ummm...Okay!!
Him: Does your parents know about your problem?
Me: Yeah, they do and they are okay with it!
Him: Am like your grandfather, I wish you the best and be a decent Doctor
Me: Thank you...*Then my Dr. showed up and rescued me*

I made an intro about the "Doctor and patient" confidality and that I know that the Doctor would break it when it's about committing suicide or homicide, the Dr interrupted and said, also if the patient is pedophile or having a serious disease, I believe you are making this intro for something you want to say...
Me: I want to make sure that you don't directly or indirectly mention anything I say to my parents
Him: If it's not something from the above, then I shouldn't tell them...but you are not obliged to tell the naked truth though it's better if you say it!
Me laughing and felt like as if I'm throwing a bomb: Okay, I've been into men since 6-7 years ago, I had a boyfriend before, I've gay friends and I sleep with many guys!

I felt relieved, it's nice to come clean and then we discussed everything and I corrected to him the wrong answers to his questions in the previous sessions...we talked about a lot of things, god, religion, my life, my friends...etc and he really made me see and think about things I've never noticed before, am starting to love the whole therapy thing!

Anyway this was my 5th session and I didn't post about the 3rd and 4th ones because there was nothing interesting to talk about other than he asked to see my sister in the 4th session and we talked mostly about my parents and my relation to them in those sessions

He's having the next 2 weeks off because he's getting married and he assigned me to one of his colleagues! =)

The number you've dialled is not in service, ANYMORE!

2009-01-21T22:48:00.002+02:00

When was the last time you starred at your mobile screen for moments that felt like hours just waiting or hoping to receive a call or even a message from someone? and you run like a slender deer when your mobile rings while you were not paying attention and you get melancholily disappointed when it wasn't him who was calling? How many times you read his messages and your replies over & over to see if you missed something he said or if you didn't pick on something of his words or to check if there is something you misinterpreted or to check if you said the wrong words in a bad sentence in a hideous timing? How many times you refreshed your e-mail & facebook inbox to check in a desperate hope if he sent anything or replied to your last message?...What pisses you off more, to call and he doesn't pick up or to call and find his mobile is switched off?
What if most of this happened to you with someone you haven't even met yet?!!

"Urban" is a guy I chatted with 2 years ago for a short time but we couldn't meet up before he suddenly disappeared. Then few weeks ago(out of the blue) a lousy "Urban has just signed in" notification popped up, I immediatly clicked on it and started talking to him, he vaguely remembered me, I mentioned some info about him and his mobile number, he was surprised by my elephant-like memory, so I told him that I rarely erase any contact and then he took my number again in order to meet that guy who came out of pandora's box before he(urban) travels back to N.Y by mid feb.
A week later I was bored and wanted to meet that sexy mystérieux(as far as I remember his pics when displayed them 2 years ago) who appeared to be a good catch for me; well-educated, decent, classy, Egyptian American, 30 years old(I never remember people's age), I guess he's a good catch for anyone! So I called him and there was no answer, I texted him but in vain too! I forgot about the whole matter for another week until I've met him online again last Friday and started talking back so I asked him why he haven't return my call/msg? He answered that he didn't get anything from me but he'll make it up by calling me Now!...an anonymous number was calling, I picked up, it was him(logically lol), I told him that this is not the number I had, he told me that he guessed I was calling a wrong number all that time! So I quickly remembered our last online conversation and told him that It's weired cuz when I'd typed your number you said that it's yours, then I continued saying that I know I sound dramatic & childish about the whole issue but I really hate games!
I quickly got over it after he kept flirting by his sexy voice, he was so into me and said jockingly that I must be a good kisser if I'm Scorpio, I told him that he'll have to inspect that by himself so he said let's meet now/tonight, I told him that he's a Leo cuz you sound like one! I then looked at the time and knew that I couldn't meet him tonight, he asked for the reason so I told im that it's kinda late and I'm so lazy to go all the distance from Maadi to Zamalek, he quickly said that he'll come to Maadi just to meet me for a while, I told him that I really can't make it tonight and that I've a curfew aswell! he then wondered why everything is difficult with me? and accused me of being a player! I told him that reverse-psychology never work with me and promised to meet him the next day.
I then continued my online session, showed him more pics and hooked-up for a sex date with a Palestinian hottie staying in an Intercontinental suite, so I thought of showing some "support" the next day to Gaza in my very own "way"!
While after going offline, I thought of calling Urban back, so I called him...No answer!,
texted him: "See? you don't pick up!"
he replied: "This time I'm not sure I want to."
Me: "Why?! I told you that I'd meet you if I can! Why wouldn't I ya3ni?! I'll call you tomorrow when I wake up anyway"

Next day(Saturday), I woke up around 5PM, didn't call him cuz my mom was pissed off at me for not praying(How boring and lame!), so I wasn't sure if I'll be able to meet him and didn't want to set a date and then take a rain check so then I'll sound a 100% player!
Anyway I've called him around 8PM, he didn't pick up, I thought maybe he's busy or sleeping or whatever(I hate it when I give excuses to ppl) so I left him a msg asking whether we will meet tonight or not, the I thought of passing some time by going to the barber shop, so I texted him again: "Am cutting my hair now 4 u lol" (I was going to cut it anyway so I thought to flirt about it as he already mentioned that he likes me with shorter hair), but he didn't reply to my msg. So I totally blocked thinking about him for the rest of the day and cursing myself inside!

1AM I was back home, called him and again no answer, so I texted him "What's wrong?"
him: "Nuthin's wrong."
Me: Well if nothing's wrong then you should pick up when I'll call you now!
I called him but again no answer, texted him "Ummm.....?!"

Next day(Sunday)
called him and was answered by the lady's recorded voice message: "The mobile you have called maybe switched off, plz try again LATER!", I called several times to check if he switched it on but in vain!

Next day(Monday)
called again, but the lady voice msg was: "The number you have dialled is not in service" @#*^%$^?!!!111!

Therapy session #2

2009-01-16T12:45:00.006+02:00

My session was around 3PM, so I woke up at 12PM as I had to do some bank errands for my father before I go, my parents weren't home when I woke up, I called my mother to inform me about a bank-related thing, she told me that they called the psychiatrist to confirm today's session and he told her that he wants them with me this session and the next one, I paused for a while donno why, exhaled the smoke, told her Okay and changed the subject.
3PM, Me & my parents were parking in front of Dr.Yehia El Rakhawi's private hospital(the first private psychiatry hospital in Egypt), we waited for the doctor in the reception/lobby, I quickly checked out the place, 2 hot guys there, a rebellious-like dressed young lady smoking a cigarette around the corner and some bourgeoisie parents! I loved this place and felt very comfortable, unlike the fugly downtown's clinic which was packed of weird people and veiled girls!

We were shortly inside the Dr's room, I noticed a ring on his right hand, got more turned on, he took the regular date from and then asked me if I want to talk in front of my parents, I kindly disagreed as they've nothing to do with my issue, so he let them talk and say everything happened from the beginnings, when they started to suspect me...etc, so they kept talking & talking, I was very silent, got busy in my own world until I was awaken up by his mobile ringtone, he had to pick-up and talked with the caller about a 19 years old patient who is suffering from a post-psychotic depression, he told him to involve the young guy into art, drawing and music group therapy. I went back to my own world but this time I was thinking about this young patient. I donno why I had a huge urge to know more about thim, see how he looks like, how he thinks, know what's depressing him and help him. There was something sexy about him that I can't explain or even understand! Is it Mr.B's deep scar inside me? Was that unknown patient replacing Mr.B in my subconscious? Is it true that the conscious mind may be compared to a fountain playing in the sun and falling back into the great subterranean pool of subconscious from which it rises? Do I miss B and all his mental problems?!
....."So Nordine, Do you have anything to talk about before your parents leave the room?", I was awaken up again and quickly nodded with a No.

So now it was my turn to talk, to steam out everything and most important to ask someone all of those answer-less questions I've always had! I already decided after the last session that I'll stick to "I'm virgin" & "I only kissed/knew two gay guys" lies until I meet the Dr and feel very secured to let go everything! A lot of my friends and readers told me to just say the truth from the 1st session but I just't can't! I'm secretive by nature, I need to feel comfortable and secure around the Dr. to speak up and also I needed to be 100% sure that he won't directly or indirectly mention anything I say to my parents! I just need time, it's not that easy and I don't want anything to screw my parent's reaction toward the whole issue so far!
Dr: Hey, how are you?
Me: Am good!
Dr: So why you were so silent when your parents were talking?
Me: Well, they said nothing new either about my gay aspect or my other normal life aspects and I disagree about many things they said but I just didn't have the energy to argue, sometimes on the long run you love apathy, no?
The Dr, smiling: Well, I was waiting for you to say something so I can take the chance and interfer and discuss anything you want with/infront of your parents
I laughed
The Dr, smiling: so what do you disagree about?
Me: Being gay was never by clothes or haircuts, I wasn't dyeing my hair acidic yellow for god's sake!
Dr: I agree with you, what else?
Me: Well, they say that I used to get very high marks in school and now my level is going down, but I always tell them that they shouldn't compare school study to college one, they are making me that I failed a year or something! I got "Good" degree in the past 2 years though I had like 11 medical subjects per semester!
Dr: What else?
Me: No girls call me at home that doesn't mean that I don't have gfs, we are in 2009! there are way more ways to communicate other than home phone!
Dr: So you have female friends?
Me: Yes!
Me continuing: also about not going to family gatherings, I've no relatives around my age so I get bored from the grown up lame talk u know?!
Dr: What else bothers you?
Me: They are being over protective! They get angry at me when I go back home late and breaking my lame curfew, They don't know what I was feeling! I wanted to feel like all my normal friends, I was already feeling different from them so I wanted this feeling to diminish! [Yes, that was bitchy of me]
Dr: I understand, I'll talk with them about that.

N.B: you will feel lost somehow and that there is a disturbance in the sequence of the questions but it was a long session and I can't remember all the questions or their sequence.
The Dr: When did you start feeling that you like guys?
Me: around 13, I understood my feeling around 14-15 but now when I remember my childhood, I figure out that I was doing gay things that I didn't understand back then!
Dr: like what?
Me: loving my close friends in a different way, very jealous about them and care the most about them...etc
Dr: your feelings toward guys, are they sexual or emotional or both?
Me: both
Dr: so you would love someone even though you are not sexually attracted to and vice versa?
Me: Yeah, I guess
Dr: what about girls?
Me: same, but I like guys more and I've never been sexually with a girl before so I simply can't judge!
Dr: So you have been sexually with guys before?
Me: Yes but not all the way, just kissing in the car
Dr: Did you enjoy it?
Me: Yes
Dr: So you didn't go all the way then?
Me: I was afraid someone might see us, afraid that my parents would know and afraid of god [and the Oscar goes to?]
Dr: Do you masturbate?
Me: Yes
Dr: Do you think about guys or girls or what porn movies you watch?
Me: it depends on my mood!
The Dr, laughing: How?
Me: sometimes I feel like wathcing heterosexual porn & sometimes not, but I'm not that into porn movies anyway!

The Dr: How you describe what you are feeling, abnormal or gay?
Me: Different! (hehe I felt like I was like a big movie star who was being interviewed about her new role and picking up the interesting & diplomatic words to say to the press)
Me, continuing: I believe that God created me like that so he just can't punish me on what he had created, I went through a long big self-struggle to reach self-acceptance and self-satisfcation!
Dr: So why you are here if you believe that & accepting yourself? Because of your parents?
Me: They didn't obligate me and I wanted to see what would you(psychology) have for me as it's not a disease, it's not contaminating or cured by drugs or even has an aetiology!
Dr: good that you know that but not all disease affect you physical or mental status, some dysfuntions you social life
Me: but I'm a normal social person, I've a lot of friends and many people love me!
Dr: but most of gays don't get married
Me: who said that I won't marry anyone? It's too early to talk about something like that!

The Dr: Are you religious?
Me: No, not into religion, I don't pray cuz I don't feel any kind of connection with God when I pray and also I don't like to go pray just because I've to or when I hear the prayers. I only pray when I feel that I want to pray to God!

These were the most interesting questions that I've remembered, he then asked me if I want to ask him about anything but I had nothing to ask so I let my parents in and left to the lobby, lighting a cigarette, dieing to know what is going on between the Dr and my parents, checked out some guys, laughed when I felt like I'm a milf who cruises stallion drug addicts in a private hospital to sleep with her in front of their daily drug supply! (3an El 3esh2 Wal Hawa movie anyone? =P )

P.S: Check the top right of my blog page to find collection of links to posts written by other blogger(s) about me, and also check the latest post "Kiki Jr. Busted?" which talks about me coming out to my parents! =)

Therapy session #1

2009-01-09T13:15:00.002+02:00

Time: 8PM
Date: Monday, January 5
Place: Dr.Yehia El Rakhawi's clinic at Downtown

It felt weird to go to such a clinic with your parents and be surrounded by huge diversity of patients, there was about 9 patients before my turn, so we had to wait for like 2 hours to meet the doctor, I quickly scanned the place, it's a place where a good taste goes to die! I loved at every patient(though you would not know how is the patient and who is the companion) for a while, wondering what he/she might be suffering from! It was amazing! No one can judge anyone and anything you do, will be considered normal!
Me and my Mum concentrated on a certain conversation between some Bedouins from Yemen, they were loud thinking that no one would understand what they're saying but little did they know that their dialect is slightly similar to the Moroccan one! So we understood almost the whole conversation =D He's paranoid, believes that his wife is a street hooker who leaves the home at night when he's asleep though he has 9 kids from her and she wears Niqab! No judgment! but I couldn't stop laughing when I noticed that he kept the price tag on his sock! It looked so much like those hideous scenes from our Arabic movies!

Anyway we were in front of the Dr's desk around 10:30, an aging man with stethoscope around his neck and he had minimal difficulty in hearing!
The Dr: Welcome, so what are you feeling Nordine?
Me: *Blushed slightly and laughed*
Dr: How old are your siblings?
Me: my sister is older than me by 2 years and my brother is younger by 8 years
Dr: So tell me, how are you feeling? Why are you here?
Me: I've feelings towards males!
The Dr asking my Mum: When did you know about it?
Mum: I felt it long time ago from...
(The Dr interrupting her): When did you know?
Mum: 5 days ago!
Dr: How?
Mum: His sister showed me some conversations between him and some guys on the internet
The Dr asking my father: When did you know? Did they tell you directly?
Dad: Yes they did....and my dad kept telling him that he felt it from the way I dress, my hair...etc it tended to be sissy!!!
(I looked at my father, didn't believe what he just said! I was like "Believe me dad, you don't want to see how sissy-dressed gay guys would look like!!")
The Dr to my parents: Please leave me now with him and you will come back when I finish

The Dr to me: When did you start feeling that?
Me: When I was 16 years old [I lied]
Dr: not before that?
Me: I sure did but I didn't understand what I was feeling/going through back then but when I grew up, I totally understood
Dr: How? What did you use to do?
Me: I used to love some of my friends in a special way!
Dr: Do you masturbate?
Me: Yes
Dr: How often?
Me: I donno! every now & then!
Dr: Every week or two?
Me: Yes something like that!
Dr: Did you have sex before with a guy?
Me: No! [I LIED again lol]
Dr: Did you kiss any guy from the mouth before?
Me, surprised from the sudden question and how he said it: Umm..No! It never exceeded hugs wa keda [I believe he knew that I lied in this one]
Dr: So do you have/had a boyfriend?
Me: No
Dr: You have never met any gay guy?
Me: I've met two [I lied]
Dr: How?
Me: Through the internet
Dr: What did you do with them?
Me: Nothing, we just met in a café!
Dr, in a somehow rude tone: Do these guys stop at just just meeting in a café!
Me, crossing my leg and gaving him the look: Do you think I go meet any trashy unclassy guy?! I only meet classy decent guys! and I met them because I felt that they are!
Dr: *looking speechless*
Me: *Was just about to say "Don't look shocked hun, it makes ur face looks fat" but I didn't say it*

*End of conversation and my parents are back in*

Dr: your son is a good boy, nothing serious to worry about, many guys passed by what he's feeling, there is no drugs to treat such a problem, there is a big international fuss around this issue from the psychological and medical wise but inchallah with the therapy everything will be just fine!
So now I don't want more information from you(talking to my parents), If you want to know anything just say it as a question.
Mum: his father is travelling soon...
Dr, interrupting her: so what? It's okay!
Mum: but he is going to stay abroad for long time!
Dr: I told you it's okay, I'll be here instead of him!
Dad: Why did this happen to Nordine?
Dr: Qada2 wa Qadar! (It' his fate!)

Dr to me: Do you have any questions?
Me, looking innocent: Are there guys feeling what I'm feeling?
Dr: Yes there are, but the thoundands of guys on the internet don't mean anything, Egypt and we are still fine bla bla bla
Me: *Didn't say any further word and was like "Yeah, RIGHT!" *

The prescription was the following holy instructions to my parents:

You are prohibted to give any advice.
You are prohibted to spy on him.
You are prohibted to talk about this subject ever again except with his Dr, tell his sister that too and thank her for telling you about the whole issue.
You are prohibted to talk about past.

and he referred me to one of his assistants to follow-up with him, so next session will be next Monday with the slightly sexy young assistant at 3PM

All in all, my parents are still sweet, following the rules and I started rebonding with them as I felt bad to put them through all of that!

Dating? Me dating? [Part II]

2009-01-09T12:48:00.002+02:00

We are all searching for someone. That special person who will provide us what's missing in our lives. Someone who can offer companionship or assistance or security. And sometimes if we search very hard, we can find someone who provides us with all three. Yes, we are all searching for someone. And if we can't find them, we can only pray they find us.

I've never expected such finale to this series, coming out to my parents changed my life somehow, I was supposed to go to Charm Cheikh with Mehrzad on my my 2 weeks mid-year vacations but I had to excuse from him because I can't travel under the present circumstances, so I sent him a message informing him with my latest updates:
Me: Hey! My mother and sister confronted me with chat logs...etc so i came out to them, so i don't think i can travel to Charm with u...am so sorry!
Him: ARE YOU OK? x
Me: I'm now! She is being understandable and sweet but I'm not sure if I can travel, I can't risk it you know
Him: The only reason i was going to come to Egypt was to meet you so if I cant see you I wont come. XX
Me: I'll keep u updated
Him: Thanks xxx

**Four days passed and nothing from his part.....!**

In those 4 days, I received tons of non-stop very sweet phone calls and messages from my friends everywhere around the globe! Even from the least I'd expected. So I got pissed off at the deafening silence between me and him! Not even a Facebook cheesy msg?!
January 4, Me: I got disappointed, I thought you'd ask more about me after that i came out 2 my parents! =(
Him: Don't be! I am from the same background as you.
You are very special to me but I also was happy to come and see you again so soon! I thought maybe you don't want me there! Xx
Me: Huh? What?!

*No reply*

January 7, after reading his FB status that he is getting ready for Paris & Milan fashion week: So you are not even coming to Cairo?!
Him: My dearest Nordine, I have just launched a fashion magazine as you know and have two important fashion weeks coming up to promote it and try and get advertisers. I really find you sexy hot lovable and charming and can't wait to be with you please believe me when I say this.

But business has become really hard and I have a lot of financial matters to sort out. If I can at all make it to cairo and see you I promise I will come. Xx x x x x x x x x x x
Me: I know that and totally respect it! It's just I didn't get what you said in your last msg, how would you think that I don't want you to come to cairo?!
Have fun in Paris and Milan =D I wish to experience that one day =*
Him: I thought maybe you need time with your family to sort things out
but I still tell you to tell your family you are str8 x
its a lot easier! xxx
Me: Hehe don't worry they are being so understandable and surprisingly sweet! Thnx god...and am giving them the "hope" that I'll be str8 by accepting to go through the psychiatrist therapy sessions, that's the least thing I could do infront of their love =)
Him: I am happy for you xx

So I guess this is it! He has a lot of things going on and am not sure if he can make it from London to Cairo just to see me for few hours on a week-end as my next vacations won't be before 3 months from now! I just want to be realistic but who knows?

Officially OUT!

2009-01-01T15:57:00.002+02:00

First day of new year, 15h:
My mother and sister confronted me with chat logs, gifts of unknown sources and a lot of past incidences...
So I couldn't help but to come out to them! And I'll be visiting a shrink very soon =D LOL

Happy new year everyone
u know u love me
xoxo

Latest update, 20:24:
-My father now knows too
-They r all acting normally and calm and my sis is being over sweet
-They booked me 1st therapy session on next monday with Dr.Rakhawi! Lol

They love men but they just don't want to see them naked!

2008-12-28T17:00:00.009+02:00

I've always been interested in having a Lesbian friend and getting closer to the whole lesbian scene of Egypt, so 4-5 years ago I'd created a profile on gaydargirls.com searching for a gay gal who wants to befriend with a gay guy, contacted the potentially interesting profiles among the very limited available profiles(either active or inactive) on the website which made me notice for beginnings that they don't have as much choices as we gay guys do, anyway I received a reply from 2 girls "Rachel" who became one of my best friends and another girl who is history now(I don't even remember her name).

Rachel is in her mid-twenties, Aries, cabin crew, very attractive, black hair & eyes and with sexy physique! We kept chatting for long time before we meet, she fulfilled my curiosity, I fulfilled hers then we started to get to know each others more, chitchatting about our previous relationship(s) and everything about life until one day we had met and became close friends though her interrupting work trips.
Rachel let me have a closer look over the scene, how limited their choices are! How many of them are way mean than any flamboyant queen of my world! How sex to them is so different and more meaningful! How their families can easily screw up any relation even though they donno about their loveable daughter's orientation, as most of females in our society have less space of freedom and their parents(usually the mother) should know every tiny details in their life, their friends...etc
She also taught me that many women can't say the word "Lesbian" even when their mouth is full of one! and that women who love women are lesbians. Men, because they can only think of women in sexual terms, define lesbian as sex between women!

Rachel suffered(and still suffering) a lot from one of her ex girlfriends, let me call her "Sayyeda", so Sayyeda is a mean bitch who never failed to screw up Rachel's life till now via many ways, being friend with Rachel's new friends and turning them on her, mysteriously contacting Rachel's new girlfriends and stealing them from her by acting the innocent victim and the cool liberal sexy chick in the same time!
Sayyeda so far stole "Dahya" the teenager who looks like Olive Oil of Popeye, "Mohga" the filthy International Squach coach, "ShaZZa" who is getting engaged soon and now Sayyeda is dating "Khamees", Rachel's latest ex who had been in a lot of family troubles, ran away from her home, stayed with her lover that Brazilian band vocalist who worships her, her family knew his place, her brothers beated the hell out of him, she got back home and all of a sudden her life is pinkish again and living happily ever after in Sayyeda's cunt!
I almost cried when Rachel showed me the Bvlgari rings and Nokia TV mobile phone which she wanted to give them to Khamees during the "hard" time away from her family, the weird thing is that almost the same dilemma happens with every girl Rachel dates after she falls for them, the family problems bla bla bla they disappear for a short period of time and then appear again but between Sayyeda's toxic arms!
They made my poor Rachel believe that she is cursed and curses everyone try to approach her, and not to mention how that affects her, her perception of her body image, her self-esteem...etc
NO my dear Rachel, you are perfectly healthy, fabulous, great looking and with BRAINS but it's not easy to find happiness in ourselves and it is not possible to find it elsewhere! I always advised you to stop giving Sayyeda chances and to get her utterly out of your system but in vain!

Anyway, that wise person who said that women are complicated, must either had many lesbian friends or studied gynaecology!

Dating? Me dating?! [Part I]

2008-12-21T18:10:00.004+02:00

Sunday, last feast's eve, having lunch in Sequoia with my Iranian date "Mehrzad", enjoying the nice weather, the good wine and the fabulous company who is 29 years old(I rarely remember people's age), very sexy, very successful person, has been living in London almost all his life, owns a football team, just launched a fashion magazine as he already works in fashion field, properties investor....
bottom line; he's a bright businessman!
He loved the place and Egypt in general, I felt so comfortable around him, he unintentionally fulfilled everything I'd needed back then-and still need them thu-, someone I could talk to without having any agenda on both sides(mine or his), someone who appreciates things that I do appreciate too even the most trivial and odd ones, simply someone who just wants to enjoy the moment wihtout thinking about any consequences or anything!

After lunch, I took him for a shopping tour in Beymen store, he liked it but we both hated the displayed items, old collections, ugly so simple designs and of course overrated prices, he told me that it's cheaper for me to let him buy stuff for me from London as he already buys the samples after the runway of any new designer's collection so that I'd be wearing the newest fashion, cheaper and 6 months earlier than anyone else lol! So I ended up not buying anything and went back home to get some sleep before meeting "Mimi" my Moroccan best friend who arrived from Dubai for few days in Egypt.
I slept for like 2 hours then called Mimi to see what she's up to, she told me that she'll be meeting her date now in some café in Heliopolis but definitely we've to meet up in the hotel after she finishes her date, I told her that's perfect as I'll have enough time to get into Mehrzad's bed!

10:30pm, he was inside me, the chemistry on bed was mind blowing, he possessed many things that turn me on, big cock with big balls, hairy chest, facial hair, very sexy armpits and in addition to the manlish attitude, so Yes! It was the best sex I had had since long time! Which lead me to cuddle him for long time after sex though I rarely do that with guys who are not that emotionally close to me and he again unintentionally said everything I wanted to hear between his arms, praising my looks, surprised that I'm not modelling yet thought I've what it's got to be a model, also said that I'm not aware of what I'm capable of or what I value..etc
I got dressed and he kept telling me that he really wants to date me, we can work it out, he can come to Cairo whenever I want, we would travel together but he said that he doesn't want to rush things up as he doesn't want to be pushy and freak the hell out of me, so I stamped a good-bye kiss on his edible lips hoping that he could make it back to Cairo by mid-year vacation(5th of January) and if that happened, I'll get to know him better and who knows?
Too much action for meeting a Pices or Iranian guy for the first time, no?

To be continued...

Dry spell!

2008-12-15T12:43:00.001+02:00

A lot of things happened recently in the last semi-vacation, things that I should write about and record them on the blog to re-read and remember them sometime in the future, but the thing is that I don't feel like writing since sometime, donno if I lost my talent or if it was a temporary acquired talent!
I guess it's just a writing dry spell! Hoping I'd write back again soon even thru the mobile like I just did =)

Another Crap!

2008-11-23T12:33:00.003+02:00

It's been almost a month since I last spoke with Ezzie and 2 weeks since I last spoke with my only Taurean friend or let me call him A.I, he's Ezzie's best friend since ages, 2 weeks ago I called him few times and he didn't pick up or return my calls, I thought that maybe he's busy blowing someone or something, few days later I read on his Facebook profile that he has a broken elbow, I got worried so I called him but he didn't pick up, so at that moment I felt that something is not right! I texted him to wish him a rapid recovery but still no sign of life from him....
Another abandonment, another disappointment...another crap! It's reached a level of untagging me from some pictures on Facebook! I didn't comment and never will! I never doubted that he could be that childish! He's 30 god damn years old for fuck's sake! I still don't know their reasons behind all of this drama....

I'm very confused, shall I move on? I deserve an explanation but is it worth waiting for? Shall I wait and see where this is going to or it is simply the end? Some incidences like this happened before between them and other common friends, they fight and get back together after some time but shall I accept that? Accept them again if they seeked acceptance?

It's just I'm in a very bad phase right now, I've only 2 best gay friend left but one is living in Alexandria and the other had left the country for good last summer! They are priceless, they complete me, they are really true friends, they always make me feel that there is something missing whenever I try to fit in another group of firneds! even with Ezzie and A.I group, there was still something missing! I wish the trio of us were living in one place, a big lier who said that the internet/phone calls make the world a small village but unfortunately that's the only available choice for us to communicate and it's satisfying a bit!
So now I should either try to fit in Jovee's gang or go through the whole exhausting process of making new friends but I can't do neither this nor that! the more I get closer to Jovee's gang, the more I can't fit in, I feel that they are immature somehow(I never had gay friends who are around my age, they are usually 3-5 years older at least), you know when you feel that you are not getting the expected center of attention or appreciation? I donno how to explain it but I just feel it....again there is something missing! and speaking of Jovee, the more I deal with him without having any agenda, the more I figure out that I was so blind not to see that his paradise is not for me! Touché Madonna!

Bottom line; I will only concentrate on my studies(my finals are pretty soon) and use all my unleashed energy in working out until further notice!

Reconsidering!

2008-11-10T21:22:00.003+02:00

....Cleaning up my mobile messages, deleting messages about things that I don't want to remember, keeping ones that always make me smile, stopped at that message I sent to Ezzie on his birthday, I just couldn't erase it though it made me feel very sad inside, I know that I'm never sweet to anyone by nature, I've a mask-like face, icy blooded and nothing at all really matters to me, that's me! Can't help it! But I'm always sweet to people I care about, they will always matter to me, it's a high voltage sin for me to upset them! It's just I don't comprehend why he is abandoning me?! I didn't do anything bitchy to him to deserve that, on the contrary I'm the one who has all the right at his side to abandon him, I'm not blaming him for not showing up at my birthday party as he was recovering from his inflammated tonsils, but I'm pretty blaming him for not calling or even texting me ever since!

So YES, I'm abandoning him until further notice!
Shall I reconsider our friendship too?

....Thursday night, at some pub with Jovee and some friends, Jovee telling me about his last date, I asked the waiter for another drink and one drink leads to another, he kept telling me how sweet the date is, how good looking he is, how they do match, bla bla bla...I left him with my aha-interesting-happy 4u responses and told him in the end never to wear rayé on rayé again! you look like a hideous zebra!

OUI! C'est la fin! no more physical interaction with Jovee and from now he no longer exists on my "To be dated" list! Enough with young guys! C'est vraiment trop!

....Human beings are designed for many things, but loneliness is not one of them! So shall I reconsider making a family? Does the idea of ending-up alone and childless really terrify me?! Shall I reconsider my suicide's zero hour and make it pre-40?
Most of healthy marriages last for few years but they continue the devastating dysfunctional marriage for the sake of their children or any other stupid precious reason, Do I want to be part of this drama? Being responsible about the impact of my mistakes on my wife or my kids? I guess I won't be able to do it! I know myself, I'm selfish and self-centered bitch that hate to carry any other responsibilities than mine!

....I'm a secretive guy but lately I'm steaming out more via writing than talking with friends!
Will I be uncapable of expressing myself or confronting others on the long run?
Shall I reconsider blogging?

Sans titre!

2008-11-03T11:17:00.006+02:00

Scène une:
....Thursday, 10PM, waiting my guests in front of Cairo Jazz Club, called Ezzie, his mobile is switched off(and he didn't call me back until typing this post), called my crazy artistic pisces friend, he is on the way, called my only taurean friend, he's got stuck in the corridor's accident, called my female folks, they can't make it, so I had to cancel my reservation as they wouldn't break the "Couples only" lame rule, my pisces friend arrived, we took the cake, went to his place and had a very small birthday party, me, him, my taurean friend and my dear Alexandrian friend! very unexpected! Is it Jovee's curse? Should I have expected less than my last year's huge party? 2008 is proving day after day that it's such a bitch to me!
1:30AM, I was home, can't open my eye lids because of the pain caused by my seem-expired eye contacts, took them off my literally bloody eyes by a miracle and slept!

Scène deux:
....Friday, 12AM, bumping into a Halloween party at Zamalek, the very same building where my ex.Fuck buddy lives, couldn't help but wonder if it's such a small or world or I'm a big whore?!
The usual gay faces of every party but in addition to the hetero Egyptian bourgeoisies and the hetero foreigners!
I was already drunk as I had two vodka drinks with the guys, Jovee, Zayneb(he is not feminine but I love this nickname of him as much as I hate his guts!), S. , my Jordanian LEO friend and the "Charlotte" of the group, Jovee fixed me a whiskey soda drink, we danced, the DJ's music wasn't that bad, I checked out some guys and played my favourite solo game "Gay, Pas gay et too ugly to be gay", my ears couldn't bare the very loud music anymore, had a side talk outside on the stairs with that XL-ed guy I'm chatting with and saw in two previous parties, got back inside, mingled, my lovely LEO friend introduced me to some guys he knows then I had to go as I've got a curfew(Yes! all of that and I've over-protective parents!), I saluted the guys, kissed Jovee on the cheeks, he grabbed me and stamped a kiss on my lips right in front of everyone! I put my hand around his neck, continued the kiss and played with his hair!
Later on after the kiss, some guys hit on me and made their intro then my LEO friend walked me down, hailed for a cab and asked me to call him as soon as I arrive home.

Scenes worth laughing at:
- S. made out with my Leo friend in the nile view terrace also in front of everyone!
- Zayneb was doing his best to grab attention but his dancing was more of 3ageen El Falla7a(the dance of female farmers)!
- Someone was being over-friendly with me for 2 parties in a row!
- Me dropping my drink on my new pullover while dancing, thanks to Zayneb's famous envious eye!
- S.'s tongue cat fight with the host after his exposé in the terrace, the fight was ended by a kiss on her hand!!

Steaming out!

2008-10-29T11:33:00.001+02:00

I wouldn't cry on anyone like I did today....
I feel so weak and vulnerable....
I feel so gay....
I depression-ly wonder what would have been my reaction if I was straight....
How I let him humiliate me like that in public....
But it wasn't my fault!
I shouldn't be responsible if he wanted to drive between me and the big bus next to me!
I was so polite though it wasn't my fault....
He was quiet until he showed me what happened to his car!
Then I found an unleashed monster right in front of me, grabbing me from my t-shirt, hitting me on my neck and face, cursing me, my glasses fell down, I desperately tried to convince him that it is not my god damn fault but in vain, a police soldier of Israel's embassy ran and pulled him away from me, the monster smasshed my glasses in front of me before he gets back inside his luxurious car!
I kneeled down the asphalt in tears and grabbed the left over pieces of my glasses....
Everything is diffused and irritated around me, I donno how I drove to college....
Parked, looked at the slight redness of my neck and face, few blood dropping from my neck from his nails....
Looked at the pieces of my glasses....
Felt like a high school nerd who got bullied by some hunks....
Wished I had my contacts on today....
Being not able to see accurately made me feel more weak inside....
Why I let him do this to me? Why I always let them go and let my rights go? Him! My laptops' robbers....
Do I enjoy being a victim? No! I ain't masochist!
Such a stupid country! I would have sued him and took mass of cents out of his bloody ass if I was living in a more civilized country!
Thinking about the huge headache I'll have after finishing my day with stupid patients, boring professors and moreover the mentally challenged drivers in my way back home....
Too much headache already after writing, typing and posting all of this!
Karma?!

Are we literally gay?

2008-10-26T21:19:00.004+02:00

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And their like It's better than yours,
Damn right it's better than yours,
I can teach you,
But I have to charge

In a public bus after LONG time of not approaching, going back home from college, it's cute to bounce between levels, yesterday was driving back home and today I trapped myself inside the overloaded bus, some people were fighting as usual in the back of the vehicle, a lady who is over-watching the human wolves around her so as not to get her "fabulous" body sexually harassed, a batwoman reading Qura'n, a herming man cursed the government as soon as he saw the central security forces standing/waiting in front of the university and started storytelling his exaggerated couragement/adventures in front of Nahhas Pasha!

I wanted to isolate myself from al the this noise/actions, tried to sneak a peek of that newspaper with the gentleman in the front chair, interesting interview with that brave girl who sued a guy who sexually harassed her in the street, couldn't continue reading that capturing interview as the gentleman's reaction towards it was not as mine in any tiny way, a page had to be turned so a blog post had to be written!

I couldn't help but steam out those thoughts am having recently and there was nothing better to isolate myself from the current surroundings than writing......

How far would you go to land in "trés content" island? You can easily spot the crave for happyness any where anytime; in the eyes of a mother who is fixing her daughter's wedding veil, fluffing her dress and telling her no woman ever been that beautiful! In the couragement of Salomon fish to travel from seas to rivers regardless all the risks just to meet-up with his beloved ones and mate! In the controversy of the male Seahorse to undergo a pregnancy look-like process by carrying the developing babies in a non-uterine pouch in the front of their bodies where the female seahorse implanted her eggs so that the male can fertilises them internally and carries them to term just to be a father!

But we the gays who are supposed to be "happy" as how our "label" is defined in all bloody dictionaries, are we literally gay? Don't you get bored of living a double and maybe triple lives? Isn't it unfair that we suffer due to a lot of things like unacceptance for instance? Even in the most civilized countries, many parents wish to have heterosexual kids as they want them to be "Happy"!

.....26th of October, 12AM in my car somewhere in Maadi, a joint in my hand, receiving sweet calls and SMSs wishing me a fabulous birthday, looking at Jovee with lust in the passenger's seat, got distracted by his fugly new hair-cut, I always told him never to go to Egyptian hairdresser if you have long hair that needs to be trimmed, teased him and said that I won't allow his existance in my birthday party next thursday if his hair didn't grow any longer, he replied that he won't be able to attend it anyway as it will be his sister's engagement party that night and wondered if I could postpone it to Friday if I like/want him to be there with me on that night! I drove him back home and kept thinking about the whole issue in my way back home.

Is he worth it? I definitely won't make a big deal out of postponing my birthday as Thursday won't differ that much from Friday, but I was seeing it from a different perspective; Is Jovee worth any effort from me after all the hints he mentioned the last time we met? He is so not looking for any relationship! He even wanted to hook me up with someone for god's sake!

What's wrong with me? almost all my friends are against this relationship saying that I deserve someone better, that I can do much better and things of this kind!....If only they could see what i'm seeing/feeling? but why I still want to work on this relationship though 80% it's going nowhere and though all my gay 6th senses proved all of that before it even starts?!

I decided to stop talking or thinking about it with him, myself and anyone until further notice! And my birthday party will be on Thursday as it is planned to be! See you there at Cairo Jazz Club!

The truce hurts!

2008-10-11T19:26:00.004+02:00

Wednesday 1st of Oct, first day of the feast, haven't sleep yet, still stoned somehow as I smoked up with my hetero buddies after they finished Eid's prayers, in my uncle's car heading to my Aunt's villa at 6th of October city for a family lunch over the pool, extended my seat, doing my best to avoid the annoying sun rays, cursing my bad luck with shades, trying to have a small nap but something prevented that from happening, my uncle played "Kermalak(For you)" song of Elissa and it got me!

I remembered all what happened with Jovee last night/few hours ago, the kisses we stole all over Maadi, that dark street where we made out and how amazing it felt when lust took the car's direction wheel! Elissa's songs kept haunting me in our way to my aunt and even all our way to Agami! I was listening to some songs as if am listening to them for the first time, different from how I used to listen to them when I broke up with my ex.boyfriend and also different from how I heard them in the very first time! It was long enough distance to Agami to trap me inside my mind with all those thoughts and answerless questions!
Do we match? Were we only horny? Is he thinking about me likewise? Will he deal with the whole thing in a damn practical way like a typical Virgo? Shall I go down with my "No gambling with my emotions" ship and don't put my hands up and surrender? Is he Mr.right or Mr.right now? Yes, I'm still young but will my experiment with a 1 year older guy succeed as I always wondered? Won't it be great to date someone who is like me in million ways? Agnostic, smoker, alcoholic, issues-free somehow et plus he's already involved in my hetero gang and living near to me....that's it! I decided to stop thinking about it and get myself as busy as possible until I go back to Cairo and talk with him about it.

Saturday 4th of Oct, in my way back to Cairo, called him to check his plans for tonight, doing my best to be sweet with him unlike my bitchyness in the last phone call:
Me: Hey, what's up?
Him: Drunk and just came back from that wedding
Me: Am tipsy and just saw one of your silly friends in Sheikh Ali bar
Him: Sheikh Ali? Did you go to Alexandria?
Me: Oui, had late lunch here and met up with my alex friends
Him: OMG! from Agami to Sheikh Ali in Alex, are you that desperate? (laughing)
Me: Yes! am that desperate that I kissed you that night!
Him: You're such a bitch!!
Me: I'm joking, I enjoyed it wallahi!
Him: Yeah, I bet you did!
Me: Who's the bitch now?
Him: Am not! you wouldn't kiss more if you didn't enjoy it!
Me: Oh! What do you know about life? Maybe I was just horny!
Him: We didn't fuck, we KISSED!

....11pm, we were having our drinks in one of Cairo's oldest pubs, I was happy that I could finally be nice to "S", Jovee's friend whom ex cheated on me with him though S knew that we were in love! Few minutes later another friend of Jovee arrived, we moved to another table with better view, I enjoyed listening to their stories, I was drunk but still concious, I told S that I will drive Jovee back home in my way, we got into my car, I hit the road and he started the conversation:
Him: Nordine, btw I didn't kiss you because I was drunk
Me: I know, I was just teasing you when you said in the pub that you were too drunk when you found yourself making out with Mina in the bathroom in M's last party
Him: Anyway, I'm not ready for dating as I want to continue my studies abroad because I want to love my home asap specially after my mum knew about me as you know, so am looking for friends or fuck buddies right now!
Me: Okay, so where are we? we are not friends as I don't sleep with friends and we are not fuck buddies as fuck buddies are not friends and we can't date as you are not ready!
Him: Nordine, you are hot and I like you so much but it's just I don't wanna mess up things and hurt anyone
Me: You are sexy and you know that I like you too but stop being so practical! I want to do my masters abroad but that doesn't mean that I should stop my life for something am not sure about it yet after 2 years! Who knows? I would die tomorrow! Just make the most of now and enjoy your life!
Him: But I'll be sure about it when my step-dad comes back from Europe by the mid of this month
Me: You know that am not a big fan of labes, I'm enjoying my time with you and don't care for a definition for it!
Him: so you are say..i..n...(I had to kiss him to shut him up!)..g
Yes, I'm saying let's not define it until your step-dad arrives and you know what you are going to do with your life, so we are having a truce!

I won't rebound with Jovee, but I've to admit that the whole thing helped me in getting over Mr.B specially when I read that SMS from him last night 2 in the morning asking me where I'm! Sorry B, you are no longer appealing to me, not after I called and texted you few weeks ago and received null from you and now you are texting me after your penis woke up from the stocks crisis! DUH!

Would you pretend we're only friends if I kissed you?

2008-10-08T16:16:00.003+02:00

In the National Cancer Institute, relaxing on one of the patients' beds, enjoying spying on the nurses' hilarious conversations, waiting for the doctor to arrive and teach us a new lousy practical lesson, craving for a cigarette, cursing the new "smoking" laws, listening to Madonna's get together, couldn't help but think about my friend Jovee!

A week ago, on the Fitr Feast's night I passed by my Leo/Virgo friend Jovee, parked my car under his building, jumped into his car, took his iPOD and prepared a playist to cope up with the drunk mood we'll be having later on, few minutes later and I was shopping for the night's drinks from Maadi's drinkies, he was driving, we were drinking, some people were watching, no one was commenting as it is so traditional in Egypt to drink on this night, he parked under one of his friends' building to get our suppy of hash and mix-up some drinks, we were in his friend's room, I extended on the bed, my head was on Jovee's laps, a joint in a hand, a drink in the other and getting wasted is on the waiting list!

We had to go, his friends went before us, I stood up, Jovee's face was inches away, he leaned toward me, I thought he wanted a friendly warm hug, I gave him one, he said that I misunderstood but it's okay anyway and was heading out of the room, I grabbed him and stamped a one hell of a kiss on his lips, my hands around his neck, playing with his fantabulous semi-long hair, he closed the lights and AC, it all lasted for few minutes, got back in his car, dazzled, irritated, confused and feeling weird but I put all of that aside, added Iio's kiss you on the previously prepared playlist and pressed PLAY!

Go to part two

Ice queer? Ah OUI!

2008-09-15T20:50:00.003+02:00

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You are frozen
When your heart is not open

I always believe that we only appreciate things in our lives when they are gone and we always desperately crave for things we can't get or reach!
I miss being young and naive kid in my "Being Straight" coma/closet, I miss being honest and frank to my parents about a whole bunch of things, I miss my preparatory and high school era, my very close friends at that time who I used to treat as lovers and never found out an explanation for that weird attachment to them which proves to me everyday that I was born gay!

I miss those days when I came out to myself and started meeting up with guys though most of them were trashy and dragged me to the fugly and mentally challenged gay gatherings but I guess we all had to pass through that "new fish in gatherings' pool" phase!
I miss being less mature, innocent, know nothing about life and having very few things to fuck-up my brain with! I miss André my Italian guarding angel who I used to date during Grade 12, having my SATs and caring less about how do I look and what I should wear, miss running to his comforting warm hug whenever I dramatically fight with my parents, miss his capturing eyes and very relaxing cuddle..I just miss having him in my life, giving me the unique safe feeling that no guy ever managed to provide!

I miss those cheesy heart beats when I decided to come out to my close heterosexual friends, the very awkward male reaction, the very cheerful female reaction but they still love and am very thankful to have them in my life as they always help and support me through a lot of things cause they have a different non-gay point of view which made me see things from a different perspective.
I miss my grand parents and still can't enjoy any social occasion since they are gone, miss going to their place on the first day of holy feasts, hearing them blaming me for paying them rare visits....If only I had a time machine!

I miss my days with my ex.BF, miss being in a relationship, miss being between Mr.B's arms, miss tanning my ass out in front of the nile view of Hyatt's pool with "S" my LEO crush, miss being worshiped and desired by Taleeto my Saudi prince charming, miss being with Andy on bed having sex on the Romanian style making me explore my deepest fetishes and fantasies, miss being in jacuzzi of that actor's exotic apartment and surprisingly being so myself around him with great self-confidence....!
I miss being less social and not having many foreigner friends who are meant to leave my life one day and break my heart....Yes! the Ice Queen has feelings pumped from a cold heart chambers!

Anyway I feel like am 99 years old after writing all of that and for the record, happy belated birthday Ezzie!

Religious Fetish!

2008-09-07T21:15:00.006+02:00

Almost 6am, blowing circles of smoke, enjoying the morning breeze alone, letting my thoughts go as far as my eyes-doing my best to get myself out of my mind's trap where i've been in lately-can see, foggy parts of Cairo appear down far away in the horizon, wondered about the huge real estate's renaissance in Egypt and if it did really solve housing problems or made our lives any easier...It's just made us less and less connected, I believe!

Earlier that day(politically incorrect statment, I know) I had to go to Sheraton Heliopolis area where I used to live most of my life in Egypt before I moved to a more centered & quiet area early this year, memories kept haunting me as usual, my childhood, vague slideshow of guys I brought to my home, my ex.BF, my primary school, my summer activities in that big & famous mosque, my orientation confusion/denial, my bicycle trips around Heliopolis, my first car drive, my first cigarette, my very first sexual talks/information, my trivial childish dreams....!
The Taraweeh prayers' traffic jam was getting on my nerves, the whole street was occupied by immobile cars, I thought of looking around to get busy with anything interesting and entertaining until I found my all the times entertainment "Eye candy"!

There was something about the guy in the front car, he appeard good-looking to me through his relfection on his side mirrors, he was searching for a park lot and So did I! I was bored and there was nothing to do as it's so crowded so I found it very erotic to just follow a car plate with a sexy face!..... He parked, I pulled over, a very well-built handsome gentleman stepped out of the car with a trendy classic shirt unbuttoned(major turn ON!) showing a very nice hairy chest, a miswak in his mouth, very tall and with shortened jeans slack!

I heard him talking with his friends about Amr Khaled's latest episode so I knew that he is one of the "Amr Khaled" fucked-up youth generation, wearing trendy clothes, trying to be/fit in the "cool open-minded" religious updated modern Muslim with the fake but sexy peacful look on his face and when he gets so naughty, he talks with with his friends about Haifa Wehbe's latest clip and before they leave they all say/spell together the concluding council prayer so that God may forgive the OMG-huge-sin they just committed!

I always had a thing for this type of religious guys, a fetish, a sick one if you say so. But it appeals very sexy to me, I feel like I'm satan when I seduce the gay breed of them, like as if I'm Adam's apple! It's something I neither know how to describe nor explain!

If only he understands my lust-licious glances and reciprocates with my vibes! Will he be great on bed? Does he believe that doing me very hard will be transcripted in his mind as a victory of Islam against Satan like how the previous one secretly believed? I also wondered why most of them are in great body shape? Are they preparing themselves for Jihad against Islam's enemies? or they think that they will be better representing Islam and defending it with a fighter body? God! he's too hot & trendy to be the S word! His fashion taste, his hand gestures, his eyes, I always believe in my gay radar! He can't be Straight! Poor him! How many years it will take him to get out of the closet, denial & confusion? A light year? A great brain wash from first-fuck-first-love guy?

I lit a cigarette, watched him disappearing in the crowd, met my friends, got back home, checked if my great fetish is included in our notorious dating sites' fetish list and had a desperate vulnerable hope to find him one day popping up as new profile with no picture on those sites!