Have you ever silently in the crowd looked at your family members or your colleagues or your people in general and thought that you don't belong to them(and not cuz i'm homo)? to this place? to this society? this country? this life?! That you utterly don't/can't fit in and you are not appreciated enough?
Do you always get provoked by their opinions, their thoughts, their double standards, their prejudice to what you are going to say or trying to explain and simply they don't get your jokes & neither you do?!
How many times you tried to adapt and failed? How hard did you try? How often do you rethink if is it all worth any effort? Would that make you feel lonely?! Is that what am going through and causing my loneliness sometimes? Am I really lonely?! Was my shrink's impression/diagnosis last session right? That I'm lonely and miserable?! Would my claimed acute promiscuous life style indirectly induce that? Am I that promiscuous to begin with(he wants me to take a sex addiction test lol)?!
I've recently been considering to only sleep with guys that I'd be seeing or dating & to reduce/stop the random sex, my shrink affirmed that too(Gee! I just said "My shrink said.."!!)...but is it really true that I'd find love if I did that? less thinking about sex will restore thinking about finding love or at least will achieve some balance between the two powers/desires?! Shall I surrender and give up my concept that love should find my way and not vice versa?
And If all of that came true & miracle happened, can I maintain a relationship? With all my committment issues and my unindependent life?! Where is prince charming aslan(if he exists)?! There is only prince harming PERIOD.
I can totally relate to this post, I've been there.
ReplyDeletePersonally I stopped feeling like I don't belong when I stopped hiding, I used to hide my ideas, my background, my dreams etc. I then realized that half of the times, the rejection was in my head,and actually when being confronted with my own difference, discussing it without confrontation, without slashing back or faking built unexpected bonds or simply respectful acquaintances.
About the promiscuity, Through my own therapy I came to realize It's not a matter of quantity as much as of motives and feeling, I used to (and still do) use sex as a validation, a get back, a hideout and a thousand other million reasons, I was/am promiscuous while just having sex once a month. Watch "Girl interrupted", there is a scene explaining promiscuity beautifully.
I wish u the best of luck.
I liked what u said, but at some point u get fed up from explaining urself/ur thoughts to ppl that would never comprehend, even if they r supposed 2 b close ones(ur family)!
ReplyDeleteI'll add it 2 my "2 b downloaded" list, thank u
i relate
ReplyDelete^ Did I tell u before that I LOVE ur blog? I read every new post by u thu I don't comment much =)
ReplyDeleteThanks 4 passing by and hope 2 c u again!
I totally hear you bro different is not always good especially when it makes you feel alienated like that but come on be grateful you are not on the moronic side of the fence will you :) look at the silver lining in every situation that's what makes me make it through every single day try it you will find it useful
ReplyDelete^ Yeah but sometimes looking at the silver lining is just not enough u know! =)
ReplyDeleteI relate too my man
ReplyDeleteevery one is fucking stupid and hypocritical it makes me sick to the stomach
no one really gives u support to see through ur dreams and ideas no really understands
and when u find love as i'm finding it now it's like a pomegranate it's slightly sweet but jaded with bitterness and when u bite into one ur bound to taste the two
we as 3ala ra2y el masal el toyour 3ala ashkaleha taqa3 the one u'll love will also be as desperate as u r
also the whole sex as a validation thing is true though i never had actual sex but i can relate to the point that i think about it A LOT i check guys out,(I'm a girl by the by) i look for movies with r and nc 17 rating especially the dark romantic ones i even indulged in a porn movie or 2 but it's not really the sex that's the issue it's our need to fulfill a void inside us u are promiscuous in reality but i'm promiscuous on a more virtual note yet when u lie at night spent from ur release u reach out but no one is there that's when u feel cold as ice and it hurts more but yet u persist again and again
(maybe i'm being overly pessimistic but my day wasn't the best 2day)
Wow! I loved how u spoke out ur mind! =))) too bad u stopped blogging!
ReplyDeleteI wish to see around more often and I agree with many things u've said.
also, i feel that its inevitable that you will start feeling these feelings and thinking these thoughts coz you're delving into your subconscious with your shrink.
ReplyDeleteyou are so lucky u have a shrink man
ReplyDeletei wish i could go see one not that i have a particular issue but i just need help understanding myself and dealing with it better
i never began blogging to actually stop I'm a very lousy writer i produce an article or a short story once every 2 years or so :D
ur blog came like a shock to me actually i can't say i'm totally comfortable of u being gay and being happy about it but rest assured that i don't judge, name call, or cast stones
u seem to be a very sophisticated and intelligent person and that's reason enough for me to seek knowing u
i'll be following ur blog regularly
Peace :D
Anonymous:
ReplyDeleteYeah, u've got a point!
It also made me tell him things i've never said to anyone before..things from my past.
Maha:
What's stopping you from visiting one? =D I know that shrinks in Egypt or middle east r not developed, but it's still worth it.
Hehe when I posted my first entry, I've never imagined that my blog will continue or succeed..I still keep wondering if I'll always be able to update it with new stuff!
So, was it a nice shock? =)
Thank you but I donno, I don't think that am that sophisticated....but I'd be happy to know u too.
Thank you, and u also can be a "follower" for this blog so u'd be quickly updated with my new posts if u like ;)
What's stopping me is well the fact that my parents reaction would be
ReplyDeletea- Appalled then they would go into a guilt trip u know like why what's wrong? what have we done to u that's so bad
b- Completely indifferent as in Balash dala3 aw bala le3b 3eyal
besides they are pretty expensive and really no good at least where i live
as far as the shock is concerned well i was a bit phased at first but then i kept reading and i found ur brutal honesty to be very refreshing :D
i got ur blog bookmarked and i'll drop in from time to time
as far as me and blogging i don't think it's good mix i'm more happy observing and running around i have tons of things to in my normal life the last thing i need is others obligations in my cyberspace
Thanks for replying :)
IceQueer, aka Mr.Z
ReplyDeletewhat the hell i leave your blog for two weeks and i see like two posts with each around 12 comment
i think your shrink i mean OUR shrink (yes i went to see him twice and have the third session next week)
seriously whats all this about alienation and feeling alone and all that!!
habibi in a family you can have a guy who fits in perfectly, like forexample i dont fit in with my family look at me i drink, i smoke, i sometimes have once a year hardcore drug like coke or E, i am party boy in all meaning whether on the straight circuit or the gay one,
my brother who lives with me is opposite,just because we are different it doesnt mean i am alone while i am living with him...
have you heard you choose your friends but you dont choose your family...
Z the difference is family you know that you dont need to have alot in common other than blood, and you know for that they will stick with you regardless of anything and thats what they are doing ... your mom not allowing you to travel i am sure she has her reasons remember YOUR ARE 20 she will be protective over you
Friends on the hand you choose because you have something in common with .. because you want to relax... because with friends you are suppose to be yourself... family is all about being respectful...
do i make any sense
Maha:
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to tell them =) and then u tell them when they do big damage to u so u throw it at them "I've been seeing a shrink for the past 8 months" =D
They are not that expensive, I pay 50LE per session(one session per week) and it differs from a therapist to another, from a case to another so you might see him/her every 3 weeks or something..etc
I'm glad that you like my blog =)
I hope you don't re-install ur windows and lose all your bookmarks =P
Q:
It's not that about "fitting", it is just you feel alienated
I know the whole friends and family things but still...!
She allows me to travel 3adi men zaman, it's about me..I got bored of telling lies over and over!
Gosh..so many difficult questions. I bet even your shrink will need a shrink to help hinm answering them.
ReplyDeleteLooking at members of family and "close" friends and think you do not belong to them?? Well, I feel it all the time!
With these diverting, conflicting and divising attitudes in Egypt, no wonder that the feeling of "not belonging to where you should or used to belong" exists.
Don't try to adapt though. If you really feel like doing it, do it with the non major issues, otherwise it would be like a surrender flag showed on.
Hehe Do u think so? =D
ReplyDeleteShrink in Middle East r not that developed anyway!
I agree with u about the last two parts, yeah I stopped adapting long time ago!
Loved your blog man finally I met someone as honest as me :) Keep up the good work and I love how you are comfortable with who you are Good for you!
ReplyDeleteGlad that u liked my blog, am really flattered =)
ReplyDeleteand also thank u 4 following it.