Cruising is out in Tahrir Square - Updated 12-3-2011

Cario, 04.02.11

Interview by Dan Littauer with "IceQueer", an Egyptian gay blogger

GME: Tell us a little about yourself...
IQ: I'm 22 years old Egyptian Moroccan guy, I'm a medical intern and interested in activism, politics, religions, music and lots of different things

GME: What is your blog all about?
IQ: It's about my thoughts and my perception of reality. Sometimes I feel it's like a non-stop documentary of some parts of my life and my personality.

GME: When did you start the blog and why?
IQ: I started in July 2008. It was a coincidence and a funny story actually; electricity was off at home so I thought of playing around with my laptop's pen and there it was my first post! Also the blog name in the beginning was "My thoughts & confessions" then I changed it to its current name after the first post.

GME: Do have a lot of gay readers following your blog? What kind of responses are you getting?
IQ: Well I can never be 100% sure of the number of readers/followers because how can you count readers who don't leave comments or follow the blog through blogger but according to the blog's stats, number of comments and number of followers, I guess I've a lot of gay and straight readers following my blog.
I get all kinds of responses and I approve and answer them all, actually comments are some of the things that keep me going and keep writing.

GME: You were in Tahrir square on Tuesday, describe what was it like?
IQ: I guess I was lucky because the day I went to Tahrir's demo was a very peaceful day after police's violence was over and before the attack of Mubarak's thugs (Thursday). It felt amazingly peaceful and cheerful. I loved how diverse yet finally united Egypt is! I was holding a sign saying "Secular" in Arabic, English & French and also my friends(straight, gay, girls, Christian and Muslims) were holding similar signs and we all were chanting that this protest is for the people and not for any party or religion. Everything was really beautiful and looked like a European carnival!

Before internet was shut down, I was very active on my twitter page and facebook raising awareness about how important #Jan25 is and that we all should participate. I never knew that facebook and twitter can be that powerful and that the things you tweet can actually make a change even if it's a little change like correcting someone's information

GME: You mentioned you were helping people in hospital, are there many people hurt? Any of your friends or family?
IQ: Yes, unfortunately many people were injured as the numbers said on News channels. My family and non-Egyptian boyfriend were safe but some of my friends had minor superficial injuries and also 3 guys I know were detained on the 25th of Jan but were released the next day. It's funny that most of Egyptian homosexuals fear police arrest but I was happy that those 3 guys were arrested because of a great cause like Jan25! Very honourable.

GME: We see reports of international journalists being attacked now in Egypt, but how are local journalists and bloggers are being treated?
IQ: Actually it's not about being foreigner or local, it's always about the news agency you work for and the things you blog/tweet about. So the more you are honest and scandalous about the regime, the more chances you get detained!

GME: What kind of changes do the people want to see?
IQ: Like we all chanted; Freedom, Social Justice and Democracy. And all of this will change by removal of Mubarak & his regime, dissolution of Parliament, ending the Emergency state/law and that High Court's judges should supervise the elections.

GME: Do you think there will be a transition to a democracy in Egypt now?
IQ: I'm hopeful that there will be a transition but first we've to get rid of stereotypes and medieval ideologies that unfortunately many people have in Egypt due to lack of proper education. Jan25 all started by the educated and well politically-aware youth of Egypt.

GME: Does this revolution have a leader or leaders?
IQ: No it doesn't have a leader or leaders, it's a revolution by Egypt's youth against a corrupted regime. This revolution is peoples' revolution and doesn't follow any political party or religious party.

GME: Some commentators have expressed their concern about the Muslims Brotherhood’s influence in the case of a change in Egypt, how realistic is such a concern?
IQ: I don't think MBs would have such an "influence" that would affect majority of Egyptians and Egypt.

GME: I suppose its too risky and even counter productive to ask directly for LGBT rights in the protests, but how do you see these issues in the context of the revolution and larger Human Rights agenda?
IQ: You can't ask for lots of changes that have different effect on people, I mean already asking for "Freedom" and "Fall of regime" bedazzled the whole country and its people so imagine what would happen if we asked for LGBT rights?
I believe that Egypt's LGBT community can only have its rights when Egypt becomes a real secular country.

GME: Can you describe the social/cultural situation for LGBT people in Egypt in the last few years?
IQ: It's diverse and it's like most of LGBT communities around the world; you've all kinds of social and culture differences from deeply conservatives to utterly liberal. But the exposure to western media via internet and TV helped a lot of people in understanding more about their sexuality and how to accept it...etc I already see that the new generation takes less time in accepting their sexuality than older generation used to

GME: Can you be out and gay in Egypt?
IQ: It depends on your personality, your social class, your friends and your family. For me, I'm openly gay to my parents and all of my close straight friends.

GME: Are you out to some people in Egypt, and if yes, what kind of responses do you get?
IQ: Like I said before, I'm out to all of my close friends. You get various responses, some would say they wouldn't lose a friend just because you've different preferences in bed, some would go into long tiring debates with you whether homosexuality is sinful or not and whether it's a choice or not...etc. Again it all depends on one's personality, social environment and religious background.

GME: How do people meet each other?
IQ: Mostly through dating website on the internet but you can also meet guys in private house gay parties and gatherings.

GME: Tell us about the legal situation… We understand that although there are no direct laws prohibiting same sex acts, we understand that other laws are enacted, like Public Order & Public Morals (as in the infamous case of Cairo52), and quite a few cases of people arrested through speaking with agents on chat rooms and gay dating websites… Can you elaborate on that?
IQ: Exactly, there is no direct laws prohibiting same sex acts or relationship but they usually affiliate it with Debauchery, Public Morals & Order.
The thing is that most of policemen play around a lot with words and the bugs in Egyptian law, they usually trap suspects by using words like debauchery when they ask them whether they practice same-sex sex or not, so they make suspects admit that they practice "debauchery" even though the suspect may only meant that he practice same-sex sex.
Also the emergency law gives the ability to policemen to check ur apartment without a warranty if they wanted.

GME: Any specific changes, relating to these two issues mentioned above, that Egyptian lesbian, gay, and transgender people hoping to see?
IQ: We're hoping that Egypt would become a real Secular country one day, that's when people learn to accept their differences then they would start accept people who r sexually different than they are.

GME: It’s a little bit symbolic that Tahrir square is also known as a meeting place for gay people, isn’t it?
IQ: Haha yeah I made lots of puns about this exact thing when I met up my friends in Tahrir to protest. I was like "A week ago, if I told you let's meet in Tahrir then go walk down to Kasr El-Nil bridge, you'd have judged me as a sleazy trashy gay guy"

GME: What can the international LGBT community do to help the general situation in Egypt and in particular the LGBT communities in Egypt?
IQ: If democratic political reforms happened in Egypt, international LGBT communities can help a lot of course by putting pressure on Egyptian regime to apply this kind of reforms too which are under the same umbrella of democratic reforms.

(Source: GayMiddleEast) 

Update Feb5:

Interview is also published now on LezGetReal

Update Feb9: 
-Interview is translated into German and published on Queer.de
-Interview is translated in Spanish and published on Ensentidocontrario
-Interview is published also on Xtra.ca

Update Feb14:

Mentioned in:
-Egypte: des LGBT au coeur de la révolte - Têtu
-C’est plus le moment de draguer sur la Place Tahrir - :: 360° :: le magazine lgbt de Suisse romande
-Egipto y la esperanza LGBT - Dos Manzanas
-Mubarak kaatui - entä nyt? - Ranneliike (Finnish)

Update Feb25:

Translated into Dutch and got published on Holebiplus

Update March12:

-Translated into Turkish and got published on Kaos GL
Mentioned in:
2560 Internacional Egipto y la esperanza LGTB - Gloss Chile

“Ein gewisses Risiko bleibt immer”

Er ist schwul und schreibt darüber. Nichts weiter besonderes, könnte man meinen. Doch Blogger "Ice Queer" lebt in Ägypten und bricht gleicht doppelt die Tabus: Dort steht Homosexualität unter Strafe und gilt als Krankheit. Über Sex spricht man allgemein nicht. Trotzdem berichtet er von seinen sexuellen Abenteuern. Ein Gespräch über das Coming Out in einem islamischen Land, anschließende Therapieversuche und das Risiko, von der Polizei besucht zu werden.
Interview: Jan Hendrik Hinzel


Schreibt darüber, wie es sich als Schwuler in einem islamischen Land lebt: Blogger "Ice Queer"


Wir treffen uns in einem Café am Nil. Die Haare hat der Blogger "Ice Queer" zu einem Mohawk aufgerichtet. Aus der Tasche seiner engen Hose kramt er eine zerdrückte Schachtel Zigaretten hervor. Er weist noch einmal darauf hin, dass er bitte anonym bleiben wolle. Schließlich ist schwul sein in Ägypten nicht erlaubt. Seit etwa zwei Jahren schreibt er aber darüber. Unter www.confessions-room.blogspot.com erzählt er davon, wie es sich als Schwuler in Kairo leben lässt. In der Selbstbeschreibungsrubrik "Mehr über mich" auf seiner Seite verkündet er: "Dieses Blog ist schon zu viel Information." Und tatsächlich: Er schreibt nicht nur über seine Therapiesitzungen, sondern plaudert auch Details aus seinem Sexleben aus.

Soukmagazine: Wie kommt man dazu, in einem Land, in dem Homosexualität verboten ist, ausgerechnet über sein Sexleben als Schwuler zu schreiben?

Ice-Queer: Es geht ja nicht nur um mein Sexleben. Es geht vielmehr allgemein um mein Leben. Und Sex ist eben ein großer Teil davon. Aber nicht in allen meinen Beiträge geht es um Sex. Ich schreibe oft auch nur meine Meinung zu bestimmten Themen. Es gibt nicht viele Blogs dieser Art und ich hatte eben den Mut dazu.

Soukmagazine: Du gehst aber doch an recht vielen Stellen – auch wenn es um Sex geht, bis ins Detail, beschreibst Personen. Und die Schwulenszene von Kairo gilt als klein. Wie groß ist die Gefahr enttarnt zu werden, wenn jeder jeden zu kennen scheint?

Ice-Queer: Ich verwende in meinem Blog nur falsche Namen. Die Chance, dass meine Identität oder die von irgendwem anders auffliegt, ist gering. Und selbst wenn andere Schwule wissen, wer ich bin: Sie würden mich nicht bei der Polizei verpetzen. Sie sind ja selbst schwul. Da hält man zusammen.

Soukmagazine: Aber nicht alle deiner Bekanntschaften kommen in deinem Blog gut weg. Was, wenn sie sich rächen wollen?

Ice Queer: Viele der beschriebenen Bekanntschaften wissen ja gar nichts von meinem Blog. Und selbst wenn: Dann müsste die Polizei erst einmal beweisen, dass ich der Verfasser bin. Und ich bin ja kein politischer Blogger, der die Regierung kritisiert. Ich schreibe nur über mein eigenes Leben und eben über Sex. Das schert die Polizei einen Dreck. Es wurde noch nie ein schwuler Blogger festgenommen oder sonst irgendwer, der über Sex geschrieben hat. Zumindest nicht, dass ich wüsste.

Soukmagazine: Du klingst fest überzeugt. Wie kannst du dir sicher sein, dass dich nicht doch jemand an die Polizei berichtet?

Ice Queer: Es gibt in allem was du machst immer ein gewisses Risiko. Auch wenn du dich mit jemandem Online verabredest, kann es sein, dass dir dann ein Polizist gegenüber steht. Man kommt aber nicht weiter, wenn man sich zu viele Gedanken macht.


Bisher auf Englisch und jetzt auch auf Arabisch: Ice Queers Blog "Confessions Room".

Soukmagazine: Hast du Angst, irgendwann zensiert zu werden?

Ice Queer: Hier in Ägypten, nein. In Saudi-Arabien bin ich aber schon zensiert. Da war ich zuerst erschrocken. Inzwischen finde ich es aber ganz lustig. Und das spricht sich natürlich auch hier in Ägypten rum. Dann ist das gute Werbung für mein Blog.

Soukmagazine: Wie bekannt ist dein Blog überhaupt unter Kairos Schwulen?

Ice Queer: Einer meiner besten Freunde hat mein Blog gelesen, bevor ich ihn kannte. Er hatte mich auf einer Party angesprochen und ich hatte mich mit meinem marokkanischem (Der Blogger ist halb Marokkaner; Anmerkung der Redaktion) Namen vorgestellt. Den verwende ich auch im Blog ab und zu. Dann hat er nachgefragt und es so rausgefunden. Zur Zeit habe ich etwa 40 regelmäßige Leser. Viele davon kennen auch meine wahre Identität. Je nachdem, was ich schreibe, wird der Link weitergeschickt. Es kann dann schon passieren, dass ich auf einer Party auf Beiträge angesprochen werde.

Soukmagazine: Du beschreibst zum Beispiel, wie du es mit deinem Freund auf der Terasse treibst. Ist es dir nicht peinlich, dass deine Bekannten, die über dich und dein Blog Bescheid wissen, dein Intimleben kennen?

Ice Queer: Nein. Mit meinen Freunden unterhalte mich ja auch einfach so über Sex. Wenn auch nicht immer so im Detail…

Soukmagazine: Deine Leser können deine Blogeinträge kommentieren? Was schreiben sie?

Ice Queer: Viele erzählen von ihren eigenen Erfahrungen oder stellen Nachfragen. Oder sie sagen einfach ihre Meinung. Dabei sind die meisten Einträge eher positiv. Es kommt aber auch vor, dass sich irgendwelche homophoben Typen auf meine Seite verirren und dann ihrem Hass freien Lauf lassen.

Soukmagazine: Wie sehr ist man diesem Hass im Alltag ausgesetzt? Wie lebt es sich überhaupt als Schwuler in Ägypten?

"Mein Therapeut versucht mir einzureden, dass es an meinen Eltern und ihrer Erziehung liegt"

Ice Queer: Es ist immer noch ein Tabuthema und alles spielt sich im Untergrund ab. Ich selbst habe Glück, dass ich meinen Eltern davon erzählen konnte. Sie haben damit keine Probleme, was auch nicht üblich ist in Ägypten. Es hängt auch vieles von der sozialen Schicht ab. In gebildeten Familien ist man da vielleicht toleranter. Wobei man hier auch keine allgemein gültige Aussage treffen kann. Häufig wird es von vielen nach wie vor als Krankheit betrachtet und es gilt als Sünde.

Soukmagazine: Du selbst musstest auch zu einem Therapeuten gehen.

Ice Queer: Ja. Er spricht aber zum Beispiel nicht von einer Krankheit. Er sucht die Ursachen in der Kindheit oder darin, dass ich nie eine heterosexuelle Beziehung hatte und deswegen einfach nicht wüsste, was besser ist. Er versucht mir einzureden, dass es an meinen Eltern und ihrer Erziehung liegt, dass ich schwul bist. Das ist alles Unsinn. Ich hatte eine glückliche Kindheit.

Soukmagazine: Du bist sehr selbstbewusst und gehst offen mit deiner Sexualität um. Wie reagieren andere Schwule auf dich?

Ice Queer: Viele Schwule haben Angst vor mir. Ich bin geoutet und habe in meinem jungen Alter schon einiges ausprobiert. Ich bin jetzt 21 und schon seit sieben Jahren in der Schwulenszene unterwegs. Aber schon allein die Vorstellung, offen schwul zu sein, ist für viele Männer hier unmöglich. Sie hätten viel zu viel Angst vor den gesellschaftlichen Konsequenzen. Ein Coming-Out wäre für manche sicherlich gesellschaftlicher Selbstmord. Ich hingegen muss mir keine wirklichen Gedanken mehr um meinen Ruf machen. Manche sind darauf vielleicht auch neidisch.

Soukmagazine: Was würdest du diesen Schwulen, die ihre Sexualität im Geheimen ausleben müssen, empfehlen?

"Ein Mädchen wird Dir vermittelt. Willst Du einen Jungen, geht das eher schlecht"

Ice Queer: Ich würde ihnen nicht raten, sich zu outen. Bei mir ging es zwar gut. Aber manche würden sicherlich gleich von ihrer Familie verstoßen werden. Und auch sonst: Willst du ein Mädchen kennen lernen, können dir die Eltern ein Date verschaffen. Heiratsoption inklusive.Willst du aber einen anderen Jungen, geht das eher schlecht.

Soukmagazine: Wird sich die Lage für Homosexuelle in Ägypten in den nächsten Jahren ändern? Wenn ja, wie?

Ice Queer: Ich glaube, es wird besser werden. Viele Menschen sind sich mittlerweile überhaupt der Existenz von Schwulen und Lesben bewusst. Manche leugnen bis heute, dass es so etwas gibt. Wir jungen Leute wachsen alle mit westlichen Fernsehserien auf, in denen oft ein schwuler Charakter vorkommt und wo das völlig normal ist. Die Menschen haben immer Angst vor dem, was sie nicht kennen. Aber gerade durch solche Serien werden ihnen vielleicht etwas von dieser Angst genommen.

Soukmagazine: Würdest du deinen Blog ebenfalls als Mittel zur Aufklärung bezeichnen?

Ice Queer: Nein, auf keinen Fall. Hier geht es nur um meine persönlichen Erlebnisse und Meinungen.

Soukmagazine: Wieso schreibst du dann nicht einfach Tagebuch? Wenn du alles öffentlich machst, musst du ja wollen, das dass jemand liest?

Ice Queer: Ja, ich will schon gelesen werden. In den zwei Jahren, die ich jetzt schon schreibe, haben sogar knapp 29 000 Leser meine Seite besucht. Ich war sogar schon in einem Beitrag der BBC. Es geht mir eher um den Gedankenaustausch. Ich möchte, dass die Leute auf meine Beiträge antworten und sehen, wie sie reagieren. Darum mache ich das alles öffentlich.

Soukmagazine: Wie geht es jetzt mit deinem Blog weiter?

Ice Queer: Ich bin mir nicht sicher. Zur Zeit bin ich etwas uninspiriert. Vielleicht will ich das alles später als Buch herausbringen. Dafür muss ich aber erst noch einige Dinge mehr erleben, über die ich schreiben kann.

(Source: http://www.soukmagazine.de/leben/ein-gewisses-risiko-bleibt-immer/ )

Limbo

It's been so long since I last wrote something. Sometimes I write down random thoughts that cross my mind, sometimes I visualize a post in my head but I don't get inspired enough to fully write it on my blog. I used to be more private about what goes on on my mind in order not to freak people out or provoke them but in the last couple of years I became more and more open about expressing my mind & my emotions to my friends and specially my boyfriend to the extent that a blog doesn't make it for me anymore. It does no longer satisfy my sick urge to break and push people's limit to the extreme.

I'm looking now into this (700 x 340 pixel) box where me & my alter-ego are supposed to type what we want to express to the whole virtual world, although the box can expand with words as much as I want but I've a feeling that I grew out of it. I can't expand with it and it won't respond back, it's too submissive, it doesn't challenge me enough and no matter how much it expands, I can still feel its lame limits.
It doesn't bond with me like how Snow in Vienna did! It's not that cold, calm, powerful, shiny and Icy. But even though I connected with the snowy nature and had my lovely boyfriend with me, there was always an itching feeling that there is something missing; sometimes it itched me in the shape of my friends back in Cairo, sometimes it itched as homesickness, sometimes it itched as missing challenges when it was so easy to get anyone I want in the club or sexclub or sauna or online with no chase or the need to communicate verbally.
I got so confused with those mixed feelings, itches and the idea of moving to Europe. I felt like I'm in a state of limbo and wondered If one wakes up at a different time, in a different place, could one wakes up as a different person?

There I was, enjoying(slightly abusing) the near-perfect European life standards so why I was missing grumpy old Cairo? The idea of "Identity of one changes with how one perceives reality" made me realize that it took me loads of time and effort to reach a certain belonging to Egypt/Cairo as a living life and that I'm not sure if I can go through this whole process again somewhere else. It will be like building my whole life all over again? I'm very satisfied now with my boyfriend, my close friends and how my life is going in Egypt. I can make it better in the future for sure but I'm not sure if I'll be able to switch off, restart and then switch on in a different place!

But then again the "Living in limbo is better than dying in jail?" question and the idea that at some point my bf will leave Egypt are still killing me!

Gayja-vu?

"So tell you what? We're gonna forget about Mr. Huxley today and we're gonna talk about fear. Fear, after all, is our real enemy. Fear is taking over our world. Fear is being used as a tool of manipulation in our society. It's how politicians peddle policy. It's how Madison Avenue sells us things that we don't need. Think about it. Fear of being attacked. Fear of that there are communists lurking around every corner. Fear of that some little Caribbean country that doesn't believe in our way of life poses a threat to us. Fear that black culture may take over the world. Fear of Elvis Presley's hips. Actually, maybe that one is a real fear. Fear that our bad breath might ruin our friendships. Fear of growing old and being alone. The of that we're useless and that no one cares what we have to say."
Prof. George Huxley - "A single man" movie

After watching this outstanding movie, this particular quote moved me a lot. I related to it and felt that it spoke to me, I actually wrote about fear in my very first blog post!
We all live in fear indeed! But it's not only about what we are afraid of, I believe it's more about our inner fears. No matter how well we hide them and how much we want to believe that there is nothing out there to fear! We all get into "fear" episodes every now and then; Fear that one of the gay-affiliated places in Egypt would turn into another "Queen boat" fiasco. Fear that one day the country's regime would drive you into seeking asylum in an European/Western country. Fear that one day you'd get arrested because I'm a homosexual blogger. Fear of self-loathing homosexuals even more than homophobes. Fear that blogs like mine and yours would be blamed by closeted-cases for spotting the light on homosexuals in Egypt. Fear that my blog would be some kind of a self-documentary that I'd hate one day. Fear that others unreason you in order to safeguard their own idea of reality. The Fear of both atheists and believers that their belief could be just an Utopian escape/denial from reality. Fear that my parents would know about my atheism. Fear that Salafism would become the norm!

Fear that you're too narcissistic that you'd turn yourself on. Fear of the truth that you could be too much of a whore. Fear that your eyes would squint instead of rolling back in your head while orgazming. Fear of losing your sexual stamina. Fear that you were just caught up in the moment and it meant more to you than the other person. Fear that others don't see hickeys sexy and aphrodisiac but rather unclassy and cheap. Fear of HIV!
Fear that you might have messiah complex but you don't know it yet, and this explains all the corrupted guys you have dated. Fear of love to the extent that it takes you some time to truly believe that you are in love. Fear that you'd miss your single life although you are in a healthy relationship. Fear that your bf would easily leave you. Fear that you'd screw up your relationship because you are too self absorbed to put yourself in anyone else's shoes. Fear that you would suffocate your better half with your draining love. Fear that you'd get sexually bored of your bf. Fear that your mood swings would become so severe to the extent that you'd swing out of love. Fear that you lose the one you love because of reasons beyond you and him. Fear that a feisty Pisces would bite off your Scorpio tail and head one day!

Fear that you won't attend a Madonna's concert before you die or she quits, whichever is sooner. Fear that you're really as stereotypical as everybody else. Fear of not belonging. Fear of not liking it if you belonged. Fear of feeling so left out. Fear of losing control. Fear that things don't end up the way you want. Fear of making no sense. Fear of making too much sense. Fear of letting go. Fear of losing your possessions. Fear that even your thoughts would be judged. Fear of rather being good than happy. Fear that you're not as good or evil as people give you credit for. Fear that you would no longer differentiate between sins and evil. Fear that you would no longer be able to quiet that voice in your head that keeps saying "maybe I shouldn't!". Fear that you would get completely startled and donno what to say. Fear that you reduce to hysterics under the slightest bit of stress. Fear that you'd become so anti-social that the bathroom of any party/place would be your only sanctuary. Fear that people just make different choices but in the end life is all hard for us. Fear that you may be subconsciously pushing your friends into ending their friendship with you. Fear that everything and everyone in your life could be just a toy whether sexual or emotional or friendlish one..etc and you keep changing them or swinging from one to another then destroying it. Fear of cutting your hand not to die but to erase your inner pain by physically outing it to the world. Fear of self destruction...!

The amount of fears varies and that's how our personalities are shaped and how our inhibitions & repressions are made up, but what calm down your fears is your friends, your beloved one or maybe your psychiatrist and sometimes your drug of choice!

Ich habe keine Geduld!

I feel that for my entire life, I've always been running in some kind of a mental marathon and I've rarely caught my breath. I keep running away from the past, pushing the present and running so fast to the future. Running against social norms and violating them. Running against livid states of body, running against useless emotions, running over my demons, running into nihilistic states of mind. Running into denial, running away from denial, running away from my mother's sheer pressure, running away from my father's passive aggression, running away from psychological clichés, running into dehumanizing, running with an agenda, running to scheming, plotting and manipulating. Running with questions, running for answers, running with snide sarcasm. Running over thorns to get my roses. Running away from gray zones, preconceptions and prejudice. Running far beyond my limits, my age, my maturity and my perception. Running to perfection, running away from the void, emptiness, living bubbles. Running away from my ivory tower.

I feel that my body is trapped in the present while my mind is in the future and my soul keeps going back and forth, sometimes it stays in a twilight zone and sometimes it goes in a different tense of time that I'm not sure how to explain but it's more like an oblivion or a parallel world!

I also feel that I push others to run when they cover up their failures by their self-claimed mental disabilities. Also When they think they can't keep up running with me, when they get intimidated, when they run back to their cocoons, when they inhibit their inner whore, when they are not cavalier about love and sex. When they are a Freudian nightmare, when they cling into norms, when they make a whole gay parade out of it. When they think they are right, when they think they are wrong. When I see right through them and when they no longer challenge me.

But the worst thing is to stop running, you feel empty and maybe that's how we get asphyxiated and the after-life is just the complete void that you keep running away from!

So shall I stop or shall you stop me? Or Who should stop whom?

P.S I already have two unfinished posts in draft but I don't know what happened that made my thoughts flow smoothly into writing this post, but I like it when this kind of inspiration happens randomly!

De Vienna rowda mel Ganna!

I really donno where or how to start writing about my trip to Vienna to celebrate 1st anniversary with Sunny. The city is really amazing; well-organized, breathtaking architecture, great urban planning and it's too green that it looked like a big golf course from the plane! You also get to feel at night that "the city really slept". When everything closes down. When you feel that every simple thing has a sound, so you start wondering what kind of shape does the silence have? A shape of an umbrella to protect you against the rain of the little noise that the city has? Or maybe it's a package, where the secret comes from!

Being with Sunny in his home country was amazing, I saw a side of him that I never saw before. It made me feel him more, his culture, his way of thinking, his lifestyle. I was so happy when he was showing me around and telling me this and that about his country and its endless stories.
It was the perfect timing in our relationship for this trip, Although I was a little bit worried if it will be suffocating to live together for 2 weeks but to the contrary, it felt great! I loved every second of it! I loved the idea of being able to instantly tell him anything on my mind without having to text him or call him or waiting until I see him. I also feel-now that I'm back to Cairo-that now is the time for the step of moving in together so that our relationship grow even more.
Being the "foreigner" felt kind of weird but in a good way, they don't stare at you in the streets like here in Egypt, nobody would judge you or point or make fun of you even if you were wearing a crazy outfit. It makes you feel that people here in Egypt have literally got no life, they are stuck in a vicious circle of corrupted or misunderstood religions, politics, norms..etc!
It was very liberating not to feel "odd" or "not fitting in" or to be able to kiss in public(cheesy but I couldn't help it) or publicly display intimacy or simply not having to "justify your love"! I felt it even more when I've met his family, had dinners with them, got closer to them, felt welcomed and they're just so...so complete in a way. Like they have something that I will never have, ever. Either I wasn't born with it, or it was beaten out of me, or maybe, maybe I made myself into a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I really am a borderline personality. Or maybe I excessively believed that you cannot design a life that works without first drafting a clear blueprint. And you cannot construct a life that has meaning without first laying a solid foundation. You are the architect of your life. Not your emotionally distant father. Not your overly critical mother. Not your petty, fair-weather friends. You!
It made me wonder; what are we supposed to believe? That the same god who made us wants us to be lonely & frustrated all our lives while the rest of world is free to make love and have families? And if it's what God intended, to have a family, to have faith, and to have a normal life. And if God challenges us like this, so we'll choose good, so we'll triumph over evil. Then it's not a choice. God already made the choice for me!

Being with someone really changes you somehow. You become less self-centered. You start thinking about everything in your life in a different way, even the little tiny details. You smile whenever your partner thinks or says the same thing like you in the same time. You wouldn't feel insecure when he sees through your walls. You feel that there is still more to your relationship in the future just when you see a certain look in his eyes, or when you discover interesting sides of him every now and then, or when he discovers a new spot in your body that you never knew before how much it turns you on, or when your anniversary dinner is on the Danube just like how your first date was on the Nile!

P.S the post title is a tribute for Asmahan's "Layali El Ons" song about Vienna
PPS you can follow me on twitter now!

In a search for a sanctuary

I don't really know what I'm supposed to feel right now. Is anger what I'm feeling right now? Or is it depression? or being clueless? or just plain sadness? And if it's any of that, who or what should I be feeling that at/about?
Psychology says that when you lack empathy and don't know what emotion you are feeling or should be feeling then you are a psychopath. So, am I one?
They say that psychopathy can get a bad rap. it doesn't necessarily mean you are violent. Just that you're completely without conscience, you lack any normal emotion, you manipulate everyone around you, you're promiscuous and you lie pathologically.

What am I supposed to do when I feel clueless? when I'm trying so hard to get a travel permit to leave the country just for two weeks to celebrate my anniversary with my better half but the military authorities make it harder and harder for me, no matter how hard I try! And just because they have more power over you, they abuse it to feel superior or to feel a pathetic sense of self-worth. I wish that just once people wouldn't patronizingly act like the clichés that they are!
I mean what's the worst thing that would happen? that I'd leave, never come back and skip my ridiculous army nonsense service? Even if that happened, so what?! Why do they give a fuck! We are a population of 80 million, what will tragically happen if one or two or even a million guy left and skipped their obligatory service? They already can skip the service even without leaving the country, so it's not logical at all what they are doing!

And it even pisses me off more when people think they can control your life just because they have bigger power over you. If you are living in a third world country that is ruled by the army then all military authorities have more power over you. If you are living in a country that's not secular then all men of religion have a power over you. Well, fuck you all! You all need to understand that you can't control things. Nobody can. There's only one thing that's certain; Everything changes.

I'm not blowing this out of proportion and I'm not acting like a drama queen. I'm just so pissed right now. I wish I can just get upset without having to focus on what's really making me upset! ARGHH!@#*^%$^!