Thoughts and Confessions of a Testosterone Addict!

Yes, I'm that famous, popular and loved that I don't need to blog about my life but let others do the job for me! =P
My very dear friend E(aka Ezzie) blogged about my birthday party on his blog:

She's Legal, her Party Wasn't!
So as everyone was recovering from the last party, which was too fabulous for me to even blog it, Kiki Jr. decided that the moment has come to give a ball, the highlight of her, ahem, stellar career in the gay society, and that everyone queen would envy and that would be the talk of the scene for days to come (which is the utmost any queen can hope for considering the attention span of queens in general).

To push things to the extreme, and be all controversial as ever, Kiki Jr. decided that her 21st birthday bash would be a themed party, a costume party that is.

Fearing that all the queens would mistake costume for drag, she stressed that each queen she should keep her wig in her bag and think 'outside the box'.

For a whole week every queen in town was thinking, 'what should I wear for Kiki Jr's party?'

Me and Kiki Sr. were no exception.

For days at a time Kiki Sr. talked of nothing else but 'what costume should I wear?'

And while I thought the prospect of wearing a costume is exciting, I knew it would be near impossible to have a nicely done costume in Cairo.

It would not go without notice and all kinds of wrong attention.

So I opted for 'soft drag'.

Meaning, heavy eye make up, lipstick, nail polish, no wig and a trashy outfit.

And after much useless resistance, Kiki Sr. followed suit.

So clad in my gorgeous Pashmina scarf (trying to cover up my indecent outfit), I was making my way to this fictitious suburb east of Cairo.

Sans make up we made our way to the residence of Kiki Jr. and her beau.

Fashionably early, we were both horrified and amazed at Kiki Jr. costume (photos available to select audience on Facebook) it was a leather top with a star situated mid chest, and hot leather shorts with straps on both sides, leaving nothing to the imagination......READ MORE >>>

So now(technically last 26th of October) I'm 21 years old and no longer a twink! *wink wink*

Without any further introduction, rich words, nice writing style or paragraphing. The slut is in love PERIOD!

This would be the shortest post I've ever written but its meaning is one of the deepest and longest(no pun intended) posts for me!

Once upon a time there was a prince who wanted to marry a princess; but she would have to be a real princess. He travelled all over the world to find one, but nowhere could he get what he wanted. There were princesses enough, but it was difficult to find out whether they were real ones. There was always something about them that was not as it should be. So he came home again and was sad, for he would have liked very much to have a real princess.

One evening a terrible storm came on; there was thunder and lightning, and the rain poured down in torrents. Suddenly a knocking was heard at the city gate, and the old king went to open it. It was a princess standing out there in front of the gate. But, good gracious! what a sight the rain and the wind had made her look. The water ran down from her hair and clothes; it ran down into the toes of her shoes and out again at the heels. And yet she said that she was a real princess.
“Well, we’ll soon find that out,” thought the old queen. But she said nothing, went into the bed-room, took all the bedding off the bedstead, and laid a pea on the bottom; then she took twenty mattresses and laid them on the pea, and then twenty eider-down beds on top of the mattresses.

On this the princess had to lie all night. In the morning she was asked how she had slept. “Oh, very badly!” said she. “I have scarcely closed my eyes all night. Heaven only knows what was in the bed, but I was lying on something hard, so that I am black and blue all over my body. It’s horrible!”
Now they knew that she was a real princess because she had felt the pea right through the twenty mattresses and the twenty eider-down beds.

Nobody but a real princess could be as sensitive as that.

So the prince took her for his wife, for now he knew that he had a real princess; and the pea was put in the museum, where it may still be seen, if no one has stolen it.

P.S you don't have to understand what this post is about! =)

Scene I:
"Sunny" is a 34 years old Austrian marketing man who works for a respected multinational company and he's just moved to Egypt 6 weeks ago. I was the first guy he's met from the internet, pretty much like many foreigners who move to Egypt and get paranoid at first to meet any gay guy through the internet but thanks for the guestbook entry that made him send me a message, we've fucked twice before we go on a date(will get to that later on), in the first time I thought it will be another one night stand but the sex was good so I craved for more especially after I knew how kinky he'd get, we decided to fuck in the twinky garden of his villa in one of Cairo's gated compounds and it was such a great experiment(since I never did it in a garden before); blowing him after cornering me, getting rimmed while leaning on the back door's stairs, bowling me over the grass, salivary lubricating me, every grass aphrodisiac-ly tickling every nerve ending of my back and ass, moon light reflections on his facial expressions while doing me until I've seen fireworks in the sky within minutes!

For the first time of my life I felt that it would be very awkward to ask someone out after already sleeping with him twice, donno if it is the therapy effect/symptoms or the fact that I didn't want to jeopardize a good fuck by attaching some strings or the doubt that it might be just a sex haze and nothing more but I overcame all of these fears, asked him out and we went on a official date on the next day at Sangria where we had dinner then followed it with a fine bottle of rosé at Intercontinental where you can experiment a very different biospheres separated by just the glass window of the lobby. He knew how to comfort all my worries, how to constantly hold my interest, how to feel comfortable around him, he proved my point that relationship can come after sex and we kept talking for hours from politics to watersports!

Scene II:
In my way to Alexandria for the weekend with Sunny, travelling for the first time ever with a date, totally freaking out; is it too early to travel with him? What Am I doing? Will it be too much intimacy? Would I hate him when I try to resort to my privacy, space & solitary? Will I be that into cuddling him?
Surprisingly he really knew how to well handle me and my anxiety, he was so smooth, lively and knew how to enjoy me and how to make me feel fully naked around him!

But still, I couldn't stop over thinking and over analyzing; Is it too early to introduce him to my close Alexandrian friends? Is he freaking out? Is getting that close that early, will be repulsive? Are we getting closer? Will I be able to commit again after 3 years of absolutely no commitment? Monogamy, one day?
I tried to do like him and just go with the flow, and Pisces are the best at going with flow and not to think much; problems will solve themselves by themselves/time, disconnecting whenever anything seems noisy or aching...tried to do many things that are not that much of my nature/Scorpio's nature and I felt better, maybe what I did was somehow "balancing"!

Scene III:
Back to Cairo, my space, my liberty, my bed and my men! Freaking out again, feeling that I'm losing control, worried to let go, my brain is getting claustrophobic inside my skull due to the overload of thinking, my soul is getting merinthophobic and my heart is getting neophobic!
I ran into my contacts list and decided to get laid! The first guy is the ex.bf of one of my fuck buddies, very classy and well educated, living in one of those very adult apartments that made me feel like I was about 16 visiting the home of a friend whose parents thought I was a bad influence, we kept talking in none sense, until sex was brought up and he told me that I'm a nice guy and everything but he didn't feel any sexual chemistry! I felt like I was the jerk du soleil! I've never got sexually rejected right in front of my face before, especially from a guy who is less good looking than me! I quickly left his apartment and called the other guy who has been chatting with me for over a year, begging me to meet him and I knew that he'll be a real shot in the arm for my sexual self-esteem!
He is 41 years old, professor at the AUC, recently divorced and with two kids, great dick and fit body. We had a quickie apparently in his kids room(I figured that out after climaxing!), there was a cross above the bed's headboard, two mirrors capturing me while having sex, got shocked when I knew that I lifted my ass with a pillow that had "Love you Dad!" with a real picture of his kids on it. There wasn't the slightest string attachment, I felt like shit while taking a shower afterward, felt as if the water served as retro-baptism for every cheap touch the prof touched me, I was blinded by my Ego and fears!
I quickly got into my clothes, left my crime scene and ironically laughed at the thought of the AUC offering me a scholarship for sleeping with a third professor!

However, I thought I'll feel okay to sleep with another guys as I'm not exclusive to Sunny yet, but surprisingly I didn't PERIOD!

The following post was published July 2008 on "Awkward Sex in the City" blog:

She is not me!

I have had endless discussions with Bad G about Madonna's latest album, 'Hard Candy', I was debating the artistic merit of the work, and G was arguing how the album is the perfect answer to Madonna's Catch 55, (she is turning 50 and its a whole new world if you have the unfortunate condition of being a "woman in the arts" and hitting 50).
He said that she managed to push the envelope one more time (to me, its one last time!) and raise a few eye brows along the way. He even supplied the invaluable information that Madonna commissioned the photographer who worked with her on her Sex book to do the cover of Hard Candy.
(for further information you will have to personally contact Bad G)
And then I listened to the album, and the banal performance, overstated lyrics, trashy-eighties arrangement, made sense.
It was a very strong statement, for a woman who has been doing this for over two decades.
In the album Madonna tackles a wide array of themes that all happen in the "store", a metaphoric space for a club, bar, home, not-home, life. Whatever you make of it.
And in the club, some skinny, tall bitch might try to steal your guy, steal your spot, steal your thunder, this is when you say bring it on! And lets see who can run the show! So for Madonna, this bitch is not "her".
No matter how young, tall, or sexy her legs might be.
I believe the same analogy applies here.
The blogging world is not the same as Pop world, the space here is more temporal, less tangible, and not so much fraught with the same consumerism. Its more impersonal and yet there is more visibility or a certain, surreal level of connectivity but if some trashy, nineteen year-old thinks she can blog then she is wrong!
Two years blogging is like two decades making music. I am not Madonna, but I have been around long enough here not to be compared with a nineteen year-old with an attitude!
Bitch, if you want to blog bring it on! And I will show you what blogging is!
hackneyed phrasing, cheesy graphics and Facebook advertising, what is this!
The bitch had the nerve to tell me that her style is more "accessible", yes of course if you are mentally retarded!
When your blog gets rated as the voice of sexuality in Cairo, come talk to me bitch!
Posted by E at 4:41 AM

I'm really glad I'm not you!

This year in college is so stressful & exhausting, I finished Gynaecology, Burn & Surgery round, Internal, Chest & Geriatrics round and now I'm having my Orthopedics round final exams, so basically I'm studying non-stop since last September except for 2 weeks vacation after each round which is too much pressure for me to bear, I no longer have the energy to study & excel in the coming exams, I became completely apathetic towards exams for the first time in my life! I've always feared & hate to fail, to not live up to my or my parents' expectations which increased my primary fear of losing control over my life and which also made me a perfectionist & a control freak!

Sometimes I believe that this fear is because of having a pushy parents(or a mother in my case since I don't have a father figure after all!) who constantly push me towards perfection in the utterly trivial thing I do, always putting pressure on me to excel in school, relationships & religion, but it is too much, they don't understand that they never learned how to deal with their own failures so they pass their unrealistic expectations on to me unconsciously & it is simple psychology, really. It's called transference.
Maybe they are excused about that; already the pressures of being a parent are equal to any pressure on earth, to be a conscious parent, and really look to that little being's mental & physical health, is a responsibility which most of people, including my parents, avoid most of the time because it's too hard.

In the process of all of that, they weren't aware how pressure affected me when I first dealt with my homosexuality when I was 14 or 15 which(homosexuality) already put me under the same pressure as adults and maybe more! What kind of childhood is that? When you are all by yourself in front of Society's & Religion's constant pressure? How was I supposed to feel when society rejects me & all religions curse me? I definitely got into the famous "Sexuality vs Religion's guilt" phase, but thanks God I was strong enough and didn't give up, I started to read more and more about my religions to know the truth and assurance and I found that it is mostly about various pictures & how you perceive and interpret them, I figured out that religions were a very beautiful and mature attempts to approach the ideology and definition of higher power or God and I really believe that there is a higher power and that I wouldn't get punished for something I didn't choose.
But it took me a huge effort to get over many pictures I perceived, to get over the idea of sins & punishment, to get over the pressure that men of religions put on the people since ages to sustain their beliefs and to improve their delivery of the policy and their delivery of the ideas so that they can garner support for whatever principle they're articulating!
Some readings in Atheism & Agnosticism also helped me a bit and made it easier for me to understand more, but I believe that Albert Einstein was right when he said that It would be possible to describe everything scientifically, but it would make no sense; it would be without meaning, as if you described a Beethoven symphony as a variation of wave pressure.

However, by time, tears stopped to be the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it, I learned how to deal with pressures, how to get tough and work over pressure not under it, how not to feel any pressure and to just try to stay calm, follow my plans and try not to overthrown.
Maybe that's why I'm always so quiet, I seem to people that I'm in control even when I'm not, I became some sort of ticking time bomb that sooner or later will explode especially if you are in an environment where you feel you can't fail!
But for my very good luck, I explode every now & then or I would have went insane when I get in control in front of all the pressures I face daily, especially the religious ones, when my mum never fails to wake me up for Friday's prayers, when you over hear preachers on TV talking about torture and bluish your life with their dusty language, when the instructor in your college is an Islamist who preaches for 15 minutes prior and post classes, when you photocopy the handbook of past examinations which is made by Muslims Brotherhood's students union and you find a provocative quote in every corner of each page, when you find "Veil before Hell" and similar bumper stickers on the walls of your college, your building & even your elevator, when you get into a sterile conversation with a colleague of yours because you find it totally stupid of her to choose to join a medical school even though she wears Niqab and chooses not to to touch any male patient even if he was an 80 years old with broken leg & wouldn't possibly lure her in any mean, when you talk with a 28 years old gay guy who still believes that homosexuality is a plague and the act of it vibrates God's holy chair!

These were just simple examples of the religious pressures and you don't really want to get me started on Society's and other pressures!

Well, I guess you all know about my "Religion" fetish but I've not told you that much about it. I think it has all started back then when I used to do some summer activity at that famous mosque when I was living in Heliopolis; we used to learn Qur'an, know more about Islam, play football, do charity work and travel together. The whole Islamic brotherhood, like any same-sex community, is so homoerotic; how they "love" each others as "brothers" in front of God, how they hug each others after Feast prayers, how they are so intimate! GOD! their intimacy is blinding! I used to have a crush on many of the mosque's teachers/supervisors without understanding what was happening to me until I grew older and understood what was that about. And since then I get so sexually attracted to Sunni or any religious guy who is in good shape, has that untrimmed beard(not the long random ugly one), with shortened slack of pants and has a heart that is too delicious for me to corrupt and to stifle all the semblance of virtue and religion in it!

Scene I:
It's been quite long time since I last had sex with my Sunni fuck-buddy especially after he moved to Alexandria because of his work so I do the best I can to catch him on weekends when he comes to Cairo. We were chatting that night about how kinky he can get and not surprisingly he can get SO kinky!
So We've decided to have a classic role play of a homophobic rapist and a curious twink who got caught and wrestles, with water sports flavors & dirty talk spices! I got properly popper-ly ready and he put me on the "right path", the path of those who are blessed to enjoy his God's blessed freakishly girthed "bounty" where all my sins & Agnosticism were severely quaked and his earth ejected its loads, Amen!
I hope I can catch him again this weekend before Ramadan starts and he goes into his spiritual coma or let me rephrase it; his retro baptism!

Scene II:
In the Gym, where I get my daily dose of testosterone's odor through all those steamy men, I was working out my leg muscles on that particular day when I saw the new trainer; muscular but not overly so, short black hair and brown eyes but facially challenged somehow and wearing a tank top on army pants. We kept having an intense eye contact until it was my time to do leg curl exercise(the one where you bend over the machine), he came to me after I finished my first set asking about what I'm working out today and what I'm listening to..etc, I replied back to his questions in a semi-flirty way while keeping my Scorpio's eyes intense on him that bedazzled him and made him know that I can see directly through him!
We didn't talk again but we locked eyes, I was about to finish and it was my abs ex. time, I thought to go ask him for some tips, I found him praying in the partition where I'm supposed to do my abs! I got more turned on by seeing him praying, so I blasphemously put the mattress in his vision's horizon, laid down, my legs are wide open in front of him and did my abs ex! He go SO distracted while he was praying , It felt like Lili in Youcef Idrees' "Akan Labodd Ya Lili An Todee'i Al Noor(Did you have to turn on the light, Lili?)" story! Anyway, I finished the exercise with a hardon, went to the lockers room, changed and bumped into him in my way out, I devilishly grinned, greeted him and told him that I'll see him next time. He was so embarrassed, mumbled some words and smiled!

Scene III(pun intended):
I've been chatting with E&S for sometime, I've told E about my blog, he loved it and left some comments and we kept talking in a promise to meet one day when they come to Cairo or when I go to UAE. E is an Egyptian gentleman in his late 20s from Al Sada Al Ashraf(people who are related by blood to prophet Mohammed PBUH) and S his boyfriend is a Saudi young guy in his early 20s, they have been together for more than 6 years now, they look cute together with their dog and their whole lives together, they are one of those couples that are not in an open relationship but they like to spice up their sexual life by having a threesome every now and then, which made me notice how monogamy rhymes with monotony!
They arrived to Egypt few days ago and we were sexcited to meet each others, I was more sexcited since my last threesome was ages ago so I went directly to their apartment, we all smoked-up and drank to feel less self-conscious and before I knew it, we were all in our birthday suit on bed exploring each others. I was the couple's guest star(aka the third guy) although I sexually liked E more with that thick dick of his which I believe it's the Womanizer's PBUH genes, It was really one of the best threesomes I've ever had, the whole mind-altering alcohol & hash, their big interest in me, getting sandwich-ed and of course controlling not only one but two guys on bed was the cherry on top!

And that's how I prepared myself for Ramadan; by having sex with guys who are closer to its PBUH and chatting with hot Azhar students!