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All the names that are mentioned in my posts are totally fake but they are related in a way to the real person's identity, so you do the maths!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013


رُب عابد هواه رأى خياله في المرآة وحسبه إياه ، فترك ما عداه ولم يتعداه ، ظناً منه أن ذاته مولاه ، إذ لم ير شيئاً سواه ، وقامت بشبهة شكوكه دعواه ، فأعمته عن عماه ، فقال : أنا الله
 ــ  الإمام محيي الدين ابن عربي

You sometimes feel like a foreigner who does not belong to the world, to its laws, and its concerns. The rules of life in society are not necessarily yours. You are interested in what is unknown and in the subtle laws of a hidden order. So, you take malicious pleasure in ridiculing the patterns you find too simplistic or too rigid. You also revel in underlining the limits of explanations you deem too common. There is something unconventional about the way you are, the way you think, and the way you act. What is your specificity made of? Is it an extraordinary partner? A life off the beaten path? Or do you only distance yourself from conventional morals? In any case, you have the feeling, sometimes quite vague, that you come from nowhere, that you do not belong to any definite group and that you refuse how full of flaws the world was handed down to you...So why are you starring so deep at me now? Looking for someone you thought you knew? Do you think standing as an observer in that medium between life/reality & death/end changed how you perceive yourself and others?

You do have an intuitive understanding of the people in your world. You get what makes them tick. You are able to easily identify their weaknesses and their strengths, and to tailor your advice to fit their unique personalities. But on the other hand that made you craving more power and since you can control so much in your environment, you have a hard time understanding why others can't. So when people fail you, you assume malevolent purposes awakening feelings of anger and helplessness in even the simpler of situations like what I show to you in my rear view while your instinctive hands are mastering the driving wheel with a smirk on your face!

You have become this liberal, multicultural, multilingual and polysexual entity. You cannot be simplified in order to conform to existing models, you remain clear-sighted and sceptical about human constructions such as associations, couples, encounters, and exchanges. You understand the illusory nature of social codes. But also you're still a loner, and even with family members and friends, you instinctively keeps your distance and unfortunately making it exhausting for yourself and others to relate, to the extent that they doubt whether you really wrote all of that for example! 

Destruction & reinvention, among other things, allow you to reconstruct and to regenerate parts of your personality or whole stretches of your life, provided that you manage to funnel/vessel its wild energy and to step back. It is impossible to tame this energy, given its essence. However, it is possible to take advantage of it for a precise aim, through a temporary identification of some parts of you with this energy. In such a case, the outcome is your final evolution and even, your transformation.
So isn't it about time you cut off needless socialising and dysfunctional relationships that has been going on in the same pattern for years now? As you couldn't still overcome one of the major difficulties of this dominant, which is to get people to accept your difference and to smoothly fit into your Ego-ideal environment. Then thou shalt no longer write about a scene/community that you no longer care for or part of.

You know me well, you chose to call me Iyoden to make it easier for others to follow. We all listen to something or someone; a conscious, an instinct, a vibe, a feeling and whatever keeps you on track when you need more than cold logic to define you or sustain you.

Auf Wiedersehen Iyoden, I'm going to take over from here.

تمت بحمد الأنا

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Objects in me are closer than they appear

You were sitting on a sandy white beach, the sun warming your skin. As the waves slowly broke in the distance, they sent ripples to the shoreline to softly caress your Achilles. So, Iyoden, do you remember the first conversation you had with your broken reflection on water? When you noticed how much you prefer to stand on earth with heat and air, meters away from the façade of the water underworld. Of course I remember, it was when I first tried to get outside my idyllic fantasy self and take a good look at my over-developed ego from an outsider direction.
And it helped you when you felt as though you had fallen into a rut, becoming a bit anti-social, choosing to hibernate below the simplicity rather than socialize for different reasons; maybe you had a lot to think about, or a lot on your agenda. But all of that was usually by choice. Your fire never really faded but when I, your reflection, stopped fanning it for a while it did begin to lose some of its heat.

But your sensuality is still strong and expresses itself in all life areas. You equally enjoy the pleasures of the senses and those of the mind and you never waste a single bit of a sensation. You take the time to enjoy life, to dream and to follow your imagination. You do not allow anything to disturb these moments of relaxation and calm. Your basic balance stems from these privileged moments where you can daydream at will and “have your head in the clouds”. Many people do not understand such absences and their meaning, which is to regain strength, develop and rejuvenate. These people readily describe you with such unflattering terms as apathy and nonchalance. Sadly they don't learn to distinguish between sensuality and emotions...

You see, when you step outside yourself, you realize that you are the unreliable narrator in the story of your life. And this is because you're unaware of how unaware you are. Don't you know that reality is a construction of the brain and you don't passively receive the outside world, you actively construct your experience moment by moment?
Iyoden, people may wink at me, dance or fornicate with me but they think of sociopathy once dared to talk and open up to me(ME, the part of everyone's universe). But how would they think differently when they believe that their opinions are the result of years of rational, objective analysis? Even though in reality, they are the result of years of paying attention to information that confirmed what they believed, while ignoring information that challenged, provoked and pushed their preconceived notions.

Iyoden, they are not ready yet for more conversations and revelations to come. They're not like us, they tend to ignore random chance when the results seem meaningful or when they want a random event to have a meaningful cause. Why are they stupidly pulled into the things that line up, and are similar or coincidental, but they ignore everything else thats not?!
Why you keep asking me that Iyoden? I don't claim having all the answers like other almightyS do.

I believe they're ready but they just need to start cleansing their subconscious, and we both know how. So let's go again!

To be put to an end...

Friday, October 26, 2012

Play dead

Good morning dear Iyoden, how are we feeling today? Is it still all in your hands? Well, for starters you should stop finding it weird that you are talking with your reflection in the mirror, don't you think I know how bad you are with understanding and expressing your emotions? So maybe you'd like to let me be your mirror to the other world, together we will mimic it all....Now...whose mind shall I fuck with today....?

Iyoden, I am a creature of water, a petit vulcan, hot like Venus, a vessel-ing rainy union of fire and earth, airy is one of the things that I'm not...And in order for him to make a connection with another creature, he needs either passively or actively vessel it out/in. Some call it parasitic, others feel it a passionate infusion but most find it sadistic. But you see, Iyoden, this is how you were created. Your earthy upbringing dozed your emotional understanding like a snail that's protecting a precious tactile Diamant and your firefull distant metaphorsis completed your apathetic nature, making you this fearful fearless person that you are now. Perfect or not, that's not for me to decide, nein?

All what Iyoden needs is just a vessel, with one he can channel whatever moon mood he's in and mentally act out a déjà-interpretation. He consciously plays on their fears and insecurities and some manage to subconsciously play on his, but the key remains in how quick can you figure out what you see like; is it like an analysis that's flowing flawlessly? Or a simple surface but turbid?

But why wouldn't you be able to read and feel the dimensions of what's crossing your eyes? After all your hands are trained to feel the scarry knods beneath the skin and your job is to fix abomination or manipulate it. A mechanic of humans, am I?

To be continued, or not. Only Mirror knows...

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

When moving forward is moving backwards!?

When you don't step outside your idyllic fantasy for a moment and take a good look at how things are in what seems rather comedy than political public stand-up in Egypt, multinational pumping stumbles and moves MENA hubs out of Cairo.
When you have to delay your internship year of hospital practice for a year until your father turns 60 so that you would be exempted from your hateful compulsory army service, your calculating mental timetable of your future plans snoozes only on your side because the universe doesn't adhere to a time clock meanwhile, your bf's timing in the plans moves a fair step forward in the "normal world".
When you spend more 'mum-is-visiting-until-march' time you get to have space for more interesting grown-ups conversations with your mother, you figure out that you got it many times wrong/hateful as a kid but only now you hear her side of the story so you finally feel more empathetic with the forward her but less with your self-victimizing passive aggressive emotional father.
When it's not quite daytime and not quite nighttime while you are making yourself open to messages about your future. This in-between place is symbolic to your life right now; not knowing where - or how - to go to the next step, Escapes from reality can be wonderful detours if only occasionally allowed; past that healthful point, they take a toll on your well-being.
When you electrify whatever room you walk into, you should finally believe that if you are entertaining angry or vengeful thoughts about someone - even if you never show your anger or seek revenge on that person - you are causing harm. But you aren't causing harm to the one you are upset with; you are causing harm to yourself. By allowing negative thoughts to eat away at you, then you are building a wall around yourself. Each negative or hostile thought is like a brick in that wall. The higher you build it, the harder it will be for good thoughts and positive energy to enter. Let go of what you can't control.
When you know it in your heart that the 40% - where you are only 6% of - of the society can't face the opponent mal-educated religion driven 60%. You feel uninspired, ideas are eluding you, your creativity seems oppressed, your energy is flagging. Then they tell you if you face the music now, you can turn it into a symphony!?

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Wrinkle wrinkle deeper scar!

So another year has passed and my "born-on-7-7-09" blog is 3 years old now. Same like how kids start to get annoying by the age of three; my blog is starting to bore me in a way! Maybe because I'm feeling uninspired to write anything for a long time now? Maybe because I grew out of it? Over the years, I've noticed that I usually create something that inspires me then after a period of time it ceases to inspire me anymore to continue doing it. But, I'm not ready to give up on my blog just yet!

And since my to-be-posted posts are still in draft, I'll at least keep my tradition of publishing my favorite readers' comments over the past year as a celebration for my blogaversary!

haha.. god you sound so wierd in arabic.. you're almost a different person in that post, most probably it's because I don't actually know you.. intresting!

anyway, abdo's a dick and you're a whore :p
By Ninja on "حين ميسرة"

نا مش مصدقة!! its very well written. You should definitely write more in Arabic.
طبعا عبده معرس ابن وسخة و انتي قحبة بنت شرموطة بس اللازم اعترف ان انتي فتحتي باب لكل كوانين مصر!! و انا من مكاني ده باحييكي على سفالتك و شرمطك اللي كسرت الحاجز اللغوي بين الكوانين و التعبير عن رغباتهم و تجاربهم الجنسية. هايلة يا ديدي

ps the 'Well of Loneliness' reference is a classic!
By E on "حين ميسرة"

This post is just wonderful, it is genuine, it is true, it is honest, its thrilling and defenitely erotic.
By Anonymous on "حين ميسرة"

Ice Queer, I am knowing you backwards, from end to beginning. And i like what im reading so far. I must admit it's one hell of a ride. You make an excellent existential writer.
By Jess on "حين ميسرة"

And they say dogs r satans! they were the angels who God sent to stop you fornicators from doing what u r doing!
By Anonymous on "حين ميسرة"

probably the best thing u've ever written there...hang in there...and stay focused!
By Anonymous on "In a search for a sanctuary"

You know ow much I like your posts but now this one is realy what I can relate to 100%. I'm glad you saw Vienna like I see Europe and you, going thyere with an open heart and soul, just recieved its gift, a very simple gift that costs nothing and means everything, this is life! I'm glad you noticed the freedom, the greenery, the silence, that everything is real. Work is real, fun is real, acceptance is real and grenery is real... Oh and beauty is real, a beauty that anyone can see not in the eye of the beholder, not immersed in ugliness and not scattered in a matrix of ranomness...
Believe me even if you were thre alone you woul have felt the same, Europe can always make you happy if you go to her with an open heart...
Glad you liked it and keep going there, IT WILL LEAVE A MARK...
By Meto on "Di Vienna rowda mel Ganna"

Wow! If this was a musical album it would be the most exciting and personal to date!
I would give it a Grammy!
Finally something genuine! :P
No I am pulling your leg.. but for once you didn't relay on some cheap trick or shortcut to actually "move" people.
I was moved entirely by your personal struggle, not because there was a controversy or some attempt at sloppy psychology or sexual kink.
This was deep and meaningful and I thank you for sharing it.
By E on "Ich habe keine Geduld"

wow.. my heart rate went up about 35 bpm reading that post! :)

What really grabbed me was the "Running to perfection, running away from the void" statement, I don't know which is actually scarier, the void or the perfection. To me, they both sound as suffocating as each other. Maybe the after-life is just the complete perfection that you keep running away from!
By Ninja on "Ich habe keine Geduld"

*finger snaps*
I swear I could hear you in my head narrating this whole post, it was amazing.
I expecially liked the "fear of your thoughts being judged" and "bathroom of any party/place would be
Your sanctuary". You're a brave brave sole, write on! *fist in the air*
By Michael on "Gayja-vu?"

I don't know you, and I came across your blog as I was googling mine * so narcissistic I know*... I have only read a couple of your posts and I am addicted to it already... and I think what clams us down too is writing about our fears in our blogs, knowing that someone out there might relate to it, might share our fears and anxieties, knowing that we are not the only crazy paranoid oppressed people out there...
I take my hate off to you Ice Queer... Your blog is one of a kind...
By Confessions of me on "Gayja-vu?

I absolutely loved it!! it's so genuine and honest!!
Most of these questions i have in my head and i LOVE that movie :)
By Jess on "Gayja-vu?"

I am reading this post 6 months later but the points you mentioned are still valid of course. Living in a country like Egypt requires you sacrifice a lot of things and put so much effort into things that should simply be your basic rights. I agree with you that LGBT rights in Egypt will not really see the light unless Egypt fundamentally changes into a secular country, and God only knows how long that will take! I am scared that you will keep on postponing being totally and perfectly who you are until it's too late. You are still young, I believe now is the time to travel, experience new things and grow both mentally and emotionally then maybe come back to Egypt stronger and fight for LGTB rights having the right knowledge and using the right tools.

Anyways, I am sorry for the long reply. I am not telling you to go or to stay. It doesn't have to be an either/or situation anyway! Just bear in mind that there's a price to pay whatever you decide.

I love you and I'll miss you if you go, but I want what's best for you. Am I not the best person you know born under the sign of Aries? :D 
By Anonymous on "Limbo"

I was so bored and hangover because I can't see my love (it's a long distance, stupid time shifting) and obviously I drank to much so whatever I've keept reading your blog since the morning started and I really like it. Somehow it motivated me to start writing more experiences down like I used to do it a while ago.

Gonna keep reading your blog. Hope everything over there going to get better soon ;-).

PS: Awesome there is even an german interview.
By OldNick on "Ein gewisses Risiko bleibt immer"

Truely inspiring to hear how you and your friends unite for freedom. Just a friendly note to say we are reading about you here in New Zeland and we are thinking of your people, especially our GLBT brothers and sisters who face challenges every dsy
By Anonymous on "Cruising is out in Tahrir Square

congrats! Looks like you become a new political voice of the gay egyptians! so that is maybe what it all was meant for... 
By Simonsan on "A gay voice from Tahrir Square - Gay City News"

Hahaha :) I do sometimes feel so hot and do the same chat :)

I never had drinks before bum bum :) It is partly true that the ones who want to have drinks do not come with you to your or his home :)

I had drinks with some. And with any of them we did not have sex :)
By caner on "Don't talk, you'll wreck it"

Ice baby, U r The shit, man. gr8 writing & a lot of fun. we've all been there, wasting time, skirting around the issue. There r times when one wants 2 say "I'd rather be masturbating" ...
Love from Cape Town
By incommonworld on "Don't talk, you'll wreck it

Maybe not everyone is emotionally detached as much as you are :)
By Anonymous on "Don't talk, you'll wreck it"

i went on this blog thinking that i might find something i can relate to, stories revealing our struggles being gay in a country where they consider it a sin, instead i found some bullshit about you wanting to "cut to the chase" and have sex. maybe there's more to this blog but the first two posts are a turn off. people like you are the reason why we're discriminated against,thinking that we r a bunch of sexually oriented freaks. seems like you are not any different from all the prostitutes and cheapos on manjam. oh and maybe u should consider changing your shrink, don't think he's of great help to you
By Anonymous on "Don't talk, you'll wreck it"