You've been notified!

All the names that are mentioned in my posts are totally fake but they are related in a way to the real person's identity, so you do the maths!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

There is no such thing as talent, there is pressure?

This year in college is so stressful & exhausting, I finished Gynaecology, Burn & Surgery round, Internal, Chest & Geriatrics round and now I'm having my Orthopedics round final exams, so basically I'm studying non-stop since last September except for 2 weeks vacation after each round which is too much pressure for me to bear, I no longer have the energy to study & excel in the coming exams, I became completely apathetic towards exams for the first time in my life! I've always feared & hate to fail, to not live up to my or my parents' expectations which increased my primary fear of losing control over my life and which also made me a perfectionist & a control freak!

Sometimes I believe that this fear is because of having a pushy parents(or a mother in my case since I don't have a father figure after all!) who constantly push me towards perfection in the utterly trivial thing I do, always putting pressure on me to excel in school, relationships & religion, but it is too much, they don't understand that they never learned how to deal with their own failures so they pass their unrealistic expectations on to me unconsciously & it is simple psychology, really. It's called transference.
Maybe they are excused about that; already the pressures of being a parent are equal to any pressure on earth, to be a conscious parent, and really look to that little being's mental & physical health, is a responsibility which most of people, including my parents, avoid most of the time because it's too hard.

In the process of all of that, they weren't aware how pressure affected me when I first dealt with my homosexuality when I was 14 or 15 which(homosexuality) already put me under the same pressure as adults and maybe more! What kind of childhood is that? When you are all by yourself in front of Society's & Religion's constant pressure? How was I supposed to feel when society rejects me & all religions curse me? I definitely got into the famous "Sexuality vs Religion's guilt" phase, but thanks God I was strong enough and didn't give up, I started to read more and more about my religions to know the truth and assurance and I found that it is mostly about various pictures & how you perceive and interpret them, I figured out that religions were a very beautiful and mature attempts to approach the ideology and definition of higher power or God and I really believe that there is a higher power and that I wouldn't get punished for something I didn't choose.
But it took me a huge effort to get over many pictures I perceived, to get over the idea of sins & punishment, to get over the pressure that men of religions put on the people since ages to sustain their beliefs and to improve their delivery of the policy and their delivery of the ideas so that they can garner support for whatever principle they're articulating!
Some readings in Atheism & Agnosticism also helped me a bit and made it easier for me to understand more, but I believe that Albert Einstein was right when he said that It would be possible to describe everything scientifically, but it would make no sense; it would be without meaning, as if you described a Beethoven symphony as a variation of wave pressure.

However, by time, tears stopped to be the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it, I learned how to deal with pressures, how to get tough and work over pressure not under it, how not to feel any pressure and to just try to stay calm, follow my plans and try not to overthrown.
Maybe that's why I'm always so quiet, I seem to people that I'm in control even when I'm not, I became some sort of ticking time bomb that sooner or later will explode especially if you are in an environment where you feel you can't fail!
But for my very good luck, I explode every now & then or I would have went insane when I get in control in front of all the pressures I face daily, especially the religious ones, when my mum never fails to wake me up for Friday's prayers, when you over hear preachers on TV talking about torture and bluish your life with their dusty language, when the instructor in your college is an Islamist who preaches for 15 minutes prior and post classes, when you photocopy the handbook of past examinations which is made by Muslims Brotherhood's students union and you find a provocative quote in every corner of each page, when you find "Veil before Hell" and similar bumper stickers on the walls of your college, your building & even your elevator, when you get into a sterile conversation with a colleague of yours because you find it totally stupid of her to choose to join a medical school even though she wears Niqab and chooses not to to touch any male patient even if he was an 80 years old with broken leg & wouldn't possibly lure her in any mean, when you talk with a 28 years old gay guy who still believes that homosexuality is a plague and the act of it vibrates God's holy chair!

These were just simple examples of the religious pressures and you don't really want to get me started on Society's and other pressures!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Sin-me my Sunni!

Well, I guess you all know about my "Religion" fetish but I've not told you that much about it. I think it has all started back then when I used to do some summer activity at that famous mosque when I was living in Heliopolis; we used to learn Qur'an, know more about Islam, play football, do charity work and travel together. The whole Islamic brotherhood, like any same-sex community, is so homoerotic; how they "love" each others as "brothers" in front of God, how they hug each others after Feast prayers, how they are so intimate! GOD! their intimacy is blinding! I used to have a crush on many of the mosque's teachers/supervisors without understanding what was happening to me until I grew older and understood what was that about. And since then I get so sexually attracted to Sunni or any religious guy who is in good shape, has that untrimmed beard(not the long random ugly one), with shortened slack of pants and has a heart that is too delicious for me to corrupt and to stifle all the semblance of virtue and religion in it!

Scene I:
It's been quite long time since I last had sex with my Sunni fuck-buddy especially after he moved to Alexandria because of his work so I do the best I can to catch him on weekends when he comes to Cairo. We were chatting that night about how kinky he can get and not surprisingly he can get SO kinky!
So We've decided to have a classic role play of a homophobic rapist and a curious twink who got caught and wrestles, with water sports flavors & dirty talk spices! I got properly popper-ly ready and he put me on the "right path", the path of those who are blessed to enjoy his God's blessed freakishly girthed "bounty" where all my sins & Agnosticism were severely quaked and his earth ejected its loads, Amen!
I hope I can catch him again this weekend before Ramadan starts and he goes into his spiritual coma or let me rephrase it; his retro baptism!

Scene II:
In the Gym, where I get my daily dose of testosterone's odor through all those steamy men, I was working out my leg muscles on that particular day when I saw the new trainer; muscular but not overly so, short black hair and brown eyes but facially challenged somehow and wearing a tank top on army pants. We kept having an intense eye contact until it was my time to do leg curl exercise(the one where you bend over the machine), he came to me after I finished my first set asking about what I'm working out today and what I'm listening to..etc, I replied back to his questions in a semi-flirty way while keeping my Scorpio's eyes intense on him that bedazzled him and made him know that I can see directly through him!
We didn't talk again but we locked eyes, I was about to finish and it was my abs ex. time, I thought to go ask him for some tips, I found him praying in the partition where I'm supposed to do my abs! I got more turned on by seeing him praying, so I blasphemously put the mattress in his vision's horizon, laid down, my legs are wide open in front of him and did my abs ex! He go SO distracted while he was praying , It felt like Lili in Youcef Idrees' "Akan Labodd Ya Lili An Todee'i Al Noor(Did you have to turn on the light, Lili?)" story! Anyway, I finished the exercise with a hardon, went to the lockers room, changed and bumped into him in my way out, I devilishly grinned, greeted him and told him that I'll see him next time. He was so embarrassed, mumbled some words and smiled!

Scene III(pun intended):
I've been chatting with E&S for sometime, I've told E about my blog, he loved it and left some comments and we kept talking in a promise to meet one day when they come to Cairo or when I go to UAE. E is an Egyptian gentleman in his late 20s from Al Sada Al Ashraf(people who are related by blood to prophet Mohammed PBUH) and S his boyfriend is a Saudi young guy in his early 20s, they have been together for more than 6 years now, they look cute together with their dog and their whole lives together, they are one of those couples that are not in an open relationship but they like to spice up their sexual life by having a threesome every now and then, which made me notice how monogamy rhymes with monotony!
They arrived to Egypt few days ago and we were sexcited to meet each others, I was more sexcited since my last threesome was ages ago so I went directly to their apartment, we all smoked-up and drank to feel less self-conscious and before I knew it, we were all in our birthday suit on bed exploring each others. I was the couple's guest star(aka the third guy) although I sexually liked E more with that thick dick of his which I believe it's the Womanizer's PBUH genes, It was really one of the best threesomes I've ever had, the whole mind-altering alcohol & hash, their big interest in me, getting sandwich-ed and of course controlling not only one but two guys on bed was the cherry on top!

And that's how I prepared myself for Ramadan; by having sex with guys who are closer to its PBUH and chatting with hot Azhar students!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

In the scene and not get scened?

you know about me... you know i am going through something similiar yet not so similar as you are dealing only with your whole family i am dealing with my brother... where as you are very defensive on them... i am actually starting to open up my mind to other things.. not turning str8 because he does accept that i am gay .. they just want me to live in a celibate life... either way... the beautiful thing with my brother he doesnt expect something to occur from one day... he doesnt expect me to become straight.. he is geniunly concerned of my after life...

now what i am trying to say is you have to admit regardless if we are gay or str8 me and you push the limits sometimes....

how many sex partners we had in the past 4 years ?
how many drunken weeks/weekends have we had in the past year ?
mow much drugs have we consumed ?

maybe when yo go tell your therapist you want to be str8 he wont believe you directly ... so why not tell him you want to be the best version of YOU... tell i want to take baby steps first ... by cutting down on drinking and sex etc.

Q's comment on my "Self-degaying, self-decaying?" post

After reading Q's latest post, I thought that it's just a Gemini phase where he'll get distracted at some point regardless how long he'll last in that coma but what made me give the whole "pseudo-heterosexual" concept another thought was what my shrink asked me in the last session whether I'm still keeping my hetero-friendships fully alive and when was the last time I saw them, In addition to what someone I chat with told me, that his I don't know) saw me in many gay parties. So I got confused between what's good and what's bad? to be totally out of the closet or to be partially in it? Isn't every choice we make has its cons and pros? Does the majority of gay guys freak out when they would know that my parents & my close straight friends know about my "tragic inclination", that I've many gay friends, that I've been officially into gay life for 6 years now & I'm only 21, that I can no longer know my magic number of guys I've been sexually with, that I've an experience that is one of the causes of my over self-confidence? Will we have neo-discreets like Q who wants to resuscitate his very old "keeping-low-profile"? And what about the reformists who are sick of the gay scene and wants to fix everything neo-liberals have done?

I don't understand what's wrong to just be yourself? To do things that you enjoy without feeling abstinent about it and asking for repentance? I'm not saying that we just go around advertising it but the people that you know, the people that you love, you don't keep it a secret from them! But why would people keep it a secret? Is it because it's dangerous out there? For them, is it like why take the risk? But, isn't not taking the risk is riskier?
Is it true that when homosexuals devote to their gay lifestyle & abandon their former straight life with its people, they become cruel, more vicious and they become laws unto themselves? Whereas homosexuals such as what Q wants to be, who live "pseudo-heterosexually", much more likely to hang onto some semblance of their former pre-coming-out-to-themselves life?

But I'm sorry Q, you are horribly mistaken, this isn't a change, this is a wimp! Regardless how fitting is my "Forbidden fruit guy" in your whole "less-parties-drinking-sex-scene" change, you will walk in circles, you will get dizzy from it that you will have no perspective anymore and you will need a strong jolt to wake you up, move forward, get over it and get back on the horse!