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Saturday, August 22, 2009

There is no such thing as talent, there is pressure?

This year in college is so stressful & exhausting, I finished Gynaecology, Burn & Surgery round, Internal, Chest & Geriatrics round and now I'm having my Orthopedics round final exams, so basically I'm studying non-stop since last September except for 2 weeks vacation after each round which is too much pressure for me to bear, I no longer have the energy to study & excel in the coming exams, I became completely apathetic towards exams for the first time in my life! I've always feared & hate to fail, to not live up to my or my parents' expectations which increased my primary fear of losing control over my life and which also made me a perfectionist & a control freak!

Sometimes I believe that this fear is because of having a pushy parents(or a mother in my case since I don't have a father figure after all!) who constantly push me towards perfection in the utterly trivial thing I do, always putting pressure on me to excel in school, relationships & religion, but it is too much, they don't understand that they never learned how to deal with their own failures so they pass their unrealistic expectations on to me unconsciously & it is simple psychology, really. It's called transference.
Maybe they are excused about that; already the pressures of being a parent are equal to any pressure on earth, to be a conscious parent, and really look to that little being's mental & physical health, is a responsibility which most of people, including my parents, avoid most of the time because it's too hard.

In the process of all of that, they weren't aware how pressure affected me when I first dealt with my homosexuality when I was 14 or 15 which(homosexuality) already put me under the same pressure as adults and maybe more! What kind of childhood is that? When you are all by yourself in front of Society's & Religion's constant pressure? How was I supposed to feel when society rejects me & all religions curse me? I definitely got into the famous "Sexuality vs Religion's guilt" phase, but thanks God I was strong enough and didn't give up, I started to read more and more about my religions to know the truth and assurance and I found that it is mostly about various pictures & how you perceive and interpret them, I figured out that religions were a very beautiful and mature attempts to approach the ideology and definition of higher power or God and I really believe that there is a higher power and that I wouldn't get punished for something I didn't choose.
But it took me a huge effort to get over many pictures I perceived, to get over the idea of sins & punishment, to get over the pressure that men of religions put on the people since ages to sustain their beliefs and to improve their delivery of the policy and their delivery of the ideas so that they can garner support for whatever principle they're articulating!
Some readings in Atheism & Agnosticism also helped me a bit and made it easier for me to understand more, but I believe that Albert Einstein was right when he said that It would be possible to describe everything scientifically, but it would make no sense; it would be without meaning, as if you described a Beethoven symphony as a variation of wave pressure.

However, by time, tears stopped to be the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it, I learned how to deal with pressures, how to get tough and work over pressure not under it, how not to feel any pressure and to just try to stay calm, follow my plans and try not to overthrown.
Maybe that's why I'm always so quiet, I seem to people that I'm in control even when I'm not, I became some sort of ticking time bomb that sooner or later will explode especially if you are in an environment where you feel you can't fail!
But for my very good luck, I explode every now & then or I would have went insane when I get in control in front of all the pressures I face daily, especially the religious ones, when my mum never fails to wake me up for Friday's prayers, when you over hear preachers on TV talking about torture and bluish your life with their dusty language, when the instructor in your college is an Islamist who preaches for 15 minutes prior and post classes, when you photocopy the handbook of past examinations which is made by Muslims Brotherhood's students union and you find a provocative quote in every corner of each page, when you find "Veil before Hell" and similar bumper stickers on the walls of your college, your building & even your elevator, when you get into a sterile conversation with a colleague of yours because you find it totally stupid of her to choose to join a medical school even though she wears Niqab and chooses not to to touch any male patient even if he was an 80 years old with broken leg & wouldn't possibly lure her in any mean, when you talk with a 28 years old gay guy who still believes that homosexuality is a plague and the act of it vibrates God's holy chair!

These were just simple examples of the religious pressures and you don't really want to get me started on Society's and other pressures!

29 comments:

  1. j'ai bien aimé la lecture de cette post

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  2. Awesome post dude.. I've been in Egypt for the past 3 weeks and can't wait to get on the plane tomorrow, not because I want to be in London but to get out of here, yeah, the society pressure sucks big time.. You know, I think the problem starts when you're surrounded by people who want to help, they genuinely want to help, but they only want to help you to become them or live their lifes. Obviously they're right, how could they possibly be wrong!

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  3. Ms.M:
    Merci bcp ma chou <3

    Ninja:
    Thank you and you are right! =)

    P.S you were in Egypt and you didn't call?! =P

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  4. "homosexuality is a plague and the act of it vibrates God's holy chair!".. it looks like someone's enjoying the plague! *alahom iny sa2em* *alahom iny sa2em* *alahom iny sa2em*

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  5. Ninja:
    haha =D

    Just Another Blogger:
    Thanks God, I'm not alone lol...I guess I need to take a LONG vacation after I finish my exams

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  6. thanks for a post that makes no mention of your shrink, look forward to some more shocking, scene-causing posts soon!

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  7. Hehe yeah I've been lately writing more posts about my shrink, Thank you for your nice comment and glad that u liked the post! =)

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  8. You're not born GAY, it is a choice!

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  9. mmm I guess that your pathetic attempt to grab some sympathy from the eyes of last post attackers could be successful ..... it is obvious by how many times you will/are checking the comments this time ;)

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  10. Another brick in the gay wallAugust 24, 2009 at 1:09 PM

    Oh poor Nordine, it sounds like you need a huge warm hug to cry ! =P

    so, I know what you are talking about, I have a worse situation here ;)

    you are complaining of having no free space around you, perhaps you're suffocating??
    Make ur own space-or widen it ...
    You can remove the islamists' stickers
    You can argue with dark clothed/minded girls till they find no words as a reply then they'll run away ..
    You can focus on urself, promising that you'll pass this rusty spot no matter how, but you will ., and stop blaming .. MALHASH LAZMA
    You may swim, it relives my pressures
    You can try to understand those people who piss u off, may be you'll figuer out someday that they're victims b4 being murderers .. It's huge mistakes that buried the poor people in this cursed area under layers of ashes so they can't see , hear or smell .. !
    You can help them help you, show some love (dawwar 3aleh dont fake it!)
    You can hear King Mouniir singing: (Dawwar 3al nas - Ba7r el 7ayah)
    You can smile =)

    aحmd

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  11. Anonymous:
    Do you really think that any gay guy who lives in Middle east or any region of the world where homosexuality is condemned, will really choose to be GAY instead of following the norm and be straight? Think again!

    Head_banger:
    You are pathetic wallahi! =D

    Another brick:
    you have a worse situation there, yet you were thinking about staying there!

    -Well I can't even have my own space online(my blog) lol
    -I & college staff always remove those stickers and someone asked me before why am I doing this, I smiled and told him "El Nadafa mel iman, they can do a proper wall magazine if they want to preach people =) "
    -lol they don't take with males for starters!
    -I'm not blaming anyone, I'm just ranting =)
    -I work out =P treadmill is GREAT for pressure btw
    -Yeah, I'm trying recently to understand them but the majority disappointed me

    P.S I'll be waiting for that warm hug

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  12. Then you and the rest of the people who think like you are living in DENIAL!

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  13. Guerrilla SodomiteAugust 25, 2009 at 7:58 AM

    I suggest you start putting posters of Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum on the walls ;)

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  14. Anonymous:
    Try walking in my shoes before judging =)
    Or elaborate more about how it is a choice! like you woke up one day and chose to like it up your ass?

    Guerrilla:
    haha maybe I should print their pic on a t-shirt and write "Nature or Nurture!"

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  15. Yes, it is a choice if you want to get fucked or fuck with whom. We're not born without choices, WE ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE!

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  16. I'm afraid, you are the one who is in denial =)

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  17. Dear Anonymous

    Assuming you are straight which btw I highly doubt ....Have you slept with guys before and did not like it or at least are you usually turned on by guys but you resist the urge and CHOOSE to be straight???

    if so it would be highly appreciated if you share your valuable experience with everyone here and enlighten us with your vast knowledge proving that sexuality is a choice and may be after it is published you will get the Noble prize you deserve and the whole humanity will live happily ever after.

    If not .............Get a life and try investing the energy you are wasting on pointless comments into some thing more useful, may be fishing or sthg.....

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  18. yeah fishing is useful(pun intended)! =D

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  19. IQ and XY:

    I am trying to understand how you are forced to be homosexual.
    How is that different from someone straight who is a sex addict? or someone who likes to be with too many women or men? Dont you think that each one of us was given a temptation (probably a set of them but theres always one that is stronger than the others)? wanting to be rich, wanting to have more money and possessions,women, men, drinking, fame, liking ppls praise, sickness of some kind, lack of kids, difficult kids, etc. Do you believe that all ppl give in? Would you say that most give in?
    IQ you mentioned that you found yourself cursed in all religions well, do you think God asks us not to do things just to annoy us? Isnt there a legit reason for the few things we are asked not to do, few in comparison to the millions of things we are allowed to do? I personally understood God as not hating any one, if we are asked not to do something its because in the end its not good for us and us does include me and the overall benefit of the society.
    Why picking and caring so much about the ekhwan and monakabat? I believe in the religion but likewise I never liked their preaching and I dnt like how many of their girls misunderstood (in my opinion) the whole purpose and aims of the religion but I dnt get bothered to that extent. For me, you are just like them the extreme, each on the opposite side of it of course.
    Finally, for me it feels this is not the same person who wrote the prev post. I dnt know which one is you or how the two of them co-exist (apparently they do). I do hope you find the right path because beyond all this I believe your mind is still asking and wondering and your heart is not at all settled. The most difficult thing is to take a step back and away from where we are and to really think and look for the answers and the answers in this particular issue are not easy at all.

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  20. Hmm let's see:

    "I am trying to understand how you are forced to be homosexual."
    Understand first that, it is not a choice in order to be forced unto!

    "How is that different from someone straight who is a sex addict? or someone who likes to be with too many women or men? Dont you think that each one of us was given a temptation (probably a set of them but theres always one that is stronger than the others)? wanting to be rich, wanting to have more money and possessions,women, men, drinking, fame, liking ppls praise, sickness of some kind, lack of kids, difficult kids, etc. Do you believe that all ppl give in? Would you say that most give in?"
    What's ur point? What's the correlation? How can you compare material things(rather choices) to visceral and emotional things?
    Simply like heterosexual humans are tempted towards opposite sex, homosexual are exactly tempted towards same sex so if we are talking about temptations and giving in, I know many homosexuals who don't give in to their sexual temptations because of religion or whatsoever like any heterosexual who doesn't give in to his/her sexual temptations.

    "IQ you mentioned that you found yourself cursed in all religions well, do you think God asks us not to do things just to annoy us? Isnt there a legit reason for the few things we are asked not to do, few in comparison to the millions of things we are allowed to do? I personally understood God as not hating any one, if we are asked not to do something its because in the end its not good for us and us does include me and the overall benefit of the society."
    Well, my religious views is totally different than yours so I can't discuss what you said from your point of view.
    I believe in God/higher power but I don't believe in religions as simple as that is.

    "Why picking and caring so much about the ekhwan and monakabat? I believe in the religion but likewise I never liked their preaching and I dnt like how many of their girls misunderstood (in my opinion) the whole purpose and aims of the religion but I dnt get bothered to that extent. For me, you are just like them the extreme, each on the opposite side of it of course."
    Well sometimes I can't help but get bothered by people who don't mind their own business and write about it!
    I've the ability to write so I steam out via writing, other can steam out via sports..etc

    "Finally, for me it feels this is not the same person who wrote the prev post. I dnt know which one is you or how the two of them co-exist (apparently they do). I do hope you find the right path because beyond all this I believe your mind is still asking and wondering and your heart is not at all settled. The most difficult thing is to take a step back and away from where we are and to really think and look for the answers and the answers in this particular issue are not easy at all"
    Why I'm not the same person? I don't c that am contradicting myself at all and even if(which is not really true), don't we all have our contradictions? =)
    Actually my problem(some don't c it a problem thu) is that my mind over thinks and over analyze but I like that, I like to doubt and I like to question everything until I find what convinces me(unfort. religions didn't convince me enough)


    Thanks for replying, was nice and healthy arguing with you! =)

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  21. -first of all i love your blog i check it everyday,i wait for the new posts
    -the 2nd & 3rd paragraph,is like you are discribing my current life,just with a diffrent ending
    -but i dont agree with you on the last 2 paragraphs,sorry :)

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  22. Thank you for your comment and I'd really appreciate a more detailed opinion =)

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  23. *hugs* sry im a bit emotional to write a detailed comment:)

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  24. haha and that's why you were anonymous in the beginning? =P

    *briefly checked ur blog, seems interesting*

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  25. nope i wasn`t the anonymous(i thought u meant 4 anyone who comments!) i got teary cuz u reminded me of someone...and thx 4following

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  26. As long as you are happy being gay, the rest doesn't matter.
    Religion isn't oppression, God regardless of the name is Freedom, so be happy and choose a partner that loves you truly :)

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  27. Thank u for such a sweet comment =)
    xx

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  28. Oh please. Being gay IS a choice. Think of all those who chose to be christian. They are ridiculed (by gays, for one). They are often made fun of, shunned as outsiders. Think of the "emo kids", the metalheads, all the "misfits". We choose our own lifestyle. Someone could choose not to have sex at all! To say that humanity is always going to pick the easy choice is a disgraceful statement.

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