You've been notified!

All the names that are mentioned in my posts are totally fake but they are related in a way to the real person's identity, so you do the maths!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Thou hast the keys of Paradise; Oh, just sex and mighty cocaine!

Thursday 1AM, in a bar in Maadi with some friends, chitchatting with them, sipping my drink, heard my mobile pronouncing a ringtone that it hadn't play long time ago, I grabbed it, inhaled my Kent6 and read Mr.B's message "Do u wanna fuck", I wasn't surprised as I was expecting that kind of message from him after his tragic float on my life's surface back again and while putting my phone back on the table, the ringtone played again so I quickly read his message "Ill kiss", I got strayed with my emotions and thoughts; is he that desperate? When has sex became a deal for him, that he has to give up something in return so he can seal the deal?! Do I really feel like seeing him again anyway?!!
I didn't reply and I let go the whole dilemma but I told one of my friends(and also a dear blog reader) about it, so he told me "If you are emotionally fragile these days, then don't go!"..I just smiled and knew that I wouldn't be able to explain myself(don't have the energy to do that already) and it is not about emotions for starters!

1:30AM, the waiter kindly asked if we want to order anything as it's the last order, so we ordered the cheque and my "ID/It" started to order my "Super-ego" to let go!
So we left and I texted "B" informing him that I'm coming only If it is going to be GREAT sex as I'll drive all the distance from Maadi to Nasr City and back to Maadi again!

2:00AM, waiting in front of his apartment, the door slowely opened and the same figure that I saw last time was standing there; nothing changed about his body shape, attitude or life style, his mother's TV is still on in her room as usual. His room is still pretty much the same; clothes randomly everywhere, Heineken cans all over the space, joints & cigs left-overs, some Economy books and the laptop is on as usual!
I sat down in my everytime's exact part of the couch, lit one of the joints, he was still silent, I wondered why he didn't lock the door, he told me that he is waiting for his dealer to come by so he'll lock it after, I looked at the joint between my long fingers and the ones on the table, so I quickly asked why don't you score tomorrow instead of scoring that late and get risky?! He smiled and said that he is waiting his other stuff's dealer! I put a wicked fake grin on my face and heard a voice deep inside me saying "Shit! He's back on track crack!"....So I quickly dropped the subject and we then talked about some general stuff and what we've been up to...etc

2:15AM, he scored and got back to the room with a white stuff in his hand grip and not on a white horse as my slightly stoned imagination was sarcastically drawing(when you smoke herbs, it reveals you to yourself!), he sat by his desk and started fixing the powder to shortly make the lines, I approached and watched him in excitement as it's my first time ever to witness such a thing, I loved watching what he's doing; liked the ceremony, the ritual of preparing cocaine as much as watching him doing it. I got so tempted to try it, I felt like a kid in front of a jar of candies, I was afraid, curious, excited and thrilled, all in the same time!
I couldn't hold the gulp forming in my throat anymore so I spat it out "B, Can I try? What does coke make you feel?" He went explaining the whole difference between coke and hash but I wasn't listening as much as I was listening to my "It/ID"!
So I ended up sniffing my first line; when it snows in your nose and you catch cold in your brain!

We got back to the couch, making out, eventually got naked and I was surprisingly enjoying every moment of it! He wanted to sniff another line and I couldn't agree more, he fixed a small line for me, I bent over the desk to sniff it, he became behind my back and hold me was SO erotic! I donno why I got fucking turned on by his move! Is it the "taboo" feeling? as I felt the same feeling when I first had sex!

Anyway I didn't like cocaine that much, donno if it is because I was already stoned or because I got trapped in my mind with various thoughts..coke truely magnifies your personality!
I just didn't like to escape my reality this way, perhaps we are all refugees from something, but I wouldn't need coke to make me see that there is nothing to fear. that the world we hold into, the lives we cherish, are a part of something greater, something more....something I can't see clearly!
Am I making any sense?!

Monday, April 13, 2009

One straight diet & a family combo plz!

-Good Afternoon sir, thank you for calling pseudo-hetero restaurants, How can I help you today?
*Hmm..I donno, I'm confused what to order.
-Would you like to have something cold & vicious or something warm & happily ever after?
*I've been ordering the cold & vicious mealls from pseudo-homo, your sister restaurant, for the past years so I guess I'm done with it and will take the warm & happily ever after meal for change!
-Perfect choice sir, let me revise the order with you plz.
-You've ordered one straight diet and one family combo.
-Do you want some extra children with the order?
*No, thanks.
-Okay sir, that will cost you all your gay friends, your gay life and identity.
*Okay, no problems.
-30 minutes and your illusion, ehem sorry your order will be delivered, thank you for calling pseudo-hetero restaurants and waiting for your next call.
*Welcome, bye.
I've nothing to say after what I've heard last night! I never saw it coming! I'd have believed it if they told me that my sister became lesbian but would never believe it if they told me that my LEO Jordanian friend became straight!!!1!

Few days after not answering my calls or SMSs, he switched his mobile off! but oh, to be fair, he picked up one time & immediately hang up when he heard my voice!...I didn't give it much thinking in the beginning as I thought maybe he's busy or something, until I bumped into a mutual friend's status on FB and found that he likes her status so I thought of checking his news feed but little did I know that he fucking removed me from his list!!
I quickly texted my friend "S." & explained the situation wondering if he knows anything about him, so he checked and found that he removed ALL of his gay friends and gay acquaintances from his friend list. I instantly sent him a msg on FB checking on him and wondering about what's going on and I also sent the same msg to our mutual friend(the one with the status):
Me: Hey sweety, hru? [My friend's name] removed me frm fb and doesnt answer my calls =S do u know anything abt him or y he did that? =(
Her: he did that with all the gays ..he became straight now and he is dating a very very beautiful gurl and he is going to marry her..i hope u do the same aswell :_)
Me: Interesting!
Where [his BF name] go? Did he become str8 cuz they broke up masalan? =S
Mesh 3aref ya [her name] bass el mawdou3 gharib ya3ni, it cant happen in one night!
Thx dear 4 replying =*
Her: no he left him and decided to be str8 to be able to live in this life and make a family
Me: I know dear that enti malkish zanb 2 tell u so, but plz tell him that i wish him the best in whatever he chose and i need at least 2 meet him 4 the last time 4 the sake of the friendship we once had! I don't even deserve a good bye?!!
Her: u cant meet him ya [my name] at least not now his mom is in egypt
Me: Eb2i khaleeh yekalemni tayeb =S

So C'est tout?! That's all I get? No bloody explanation? If I went to his apartment, would he close the door in front of me?!...I'm so disappointed, we shared a lot together and he already passed the whole "Sexuality confusion" phase LONG time ago! But still, If he chose to be the S word, why would he cast me away of his life in a blink of an eye like that?!! Was our sexual orientation the only only thing we had in common?! OMG!
I know that the gay scene and society in Egypt is not encouraging at all, but If you get fed up with it, you just leave the country or stop meeting guys or whatever!

But NO, I won't surrender, I'll go to his apartment, I'll do my best to get his ex.BF's contacts and call him! I SHOULD MEET HIM! and I deserve at least a fucking goodbye!

Friday, April 3, 2009

I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!

I'm not being myself lately, I feel strayed, I started to catch the symptoms of having a psychiatric therapy, It started screwing up my brain; making me question my believes, my codes, my thoughts, my concepts...everything. Making me see the whole picture and the tiny details of my life that I unintentionally disregarded. Making me DOUBT everything(and Leos r the best in that!)!!

I started to dislike my relation with my mother more(and eventually hating my mother herself), hating my father's passiveness, becoming pessimistic, boring me of my god damn cold nature, pointing at every flaw in me and my life...I just can't take it anymore, I don't want to continue the therapy, I don't think I need it but I already trapped myself, I can't go back now, I'm scared to confront my parents with that, scared of the consequences and don't want to disturb the somehow peaceful balance I made after the dilemma of being out of parents' closet!

I couldn't do my assignment of writing down my everyday's different emotion, I already embraced the fact that am an emotionless cold natured bitch long time ago and I don't need a daily reminder of that fact.....I just can't do it.

I'm on the edge of falling into a severe depression and little did I know that it's the ironically perfect timing for Mr.B to appear in my life back again as If I need more corruption in my system!

P.S: this blog may so soon shutdown due to the hateful daily reminder that I ran out of interesting men to write about!