I didn't reply and I let go the whole dilemma but I told one of my friends(and also a dear blog reader) about it, so he told me "If you are emotionally fragile these days, then don't go!"..I just smiled and knew that I wouldn't be able to explain myself(don't have the energy to do that already) and it is not about emotions for starters!
1:30AM, the waiter kindly asked if we want to order anything as it's the last order, so we ordered the cheque and my "ID/It" started to order my "Super-ego" to let go!
So we left and I texted "B" informing him that I'm coming only If it is going to be GREAT sex as I'll drive all the distance from Maadi to Nasr City and back to Maadi again!
2:00AM, waiting in front of his apartment, the door slowely opened and the same figure that I saw last time was standing there; nothing changed about his body shape, attitude or life style, his mother's TV is still on in her room as usual. His room is still pretty much the same; clothes randomly everywhere, Heineken cans all over the space, joints & cigs left-overs, some Economy books and the laptop is on as usual!
I sat down in my everytime's exact part of the couch, lit one of the joints, he was still silent, I wondered why he didn't lock the door, he told me that he is waiting for his dealer to come by so he'll lock it after, I looked at the joint between my long fingers and the ones on the table, so I quickly asked why don't you score tomorrow instead of scoring that late and get risky?! He smiled and said that he is waiting his other stuff's dealer! I put a wicked fake grin on my face and heard a voice deep inside me saying "Shit! He's back on
2:15AM, he scored and got back to the room with a white stuff in his hand grip and not on a white horse as my slightly stoned imagination was sarcastically drawing(when you smoke herbs, it reveals you to yourself!), he sat by his desk and started fixing the powder to shortly make the lines, I approached and watched him in excitement as it's my first time ever to witness such a thing, I loved watching what he's doing; liked the ceremony, the ritual of preparing cocaine as much as watching him doing it. I got so tempted to try it, I felt like a kid in front of a jar of candies, I was afraid, curious, excited and thrilled, all in the same time!
I couldn't hold the gulp forming in my throat anymore so I spat it out "B, Can I try? What does coke make you feel?" He went explaining the whole difference between coke and hash but I wasn't listening as much as I was listening to my "It/ID"!
So I ended up sniffing my first line; when it snows in your nose and you catch cold in your brain!
We got back to the couch, making out, eventually got naked and I was surprisingly enjoying every moment of it! He wanted to sniff another line and I couldn't agree more, he fixed a small line for me, I bent over the desk to sniff it, he became behind my back and hold me tightly..it was SO erotic! I donno why I got fucking turned on by his move! Is it the "taboo" feeling? as I felt the same feeling when I first had sex!
Anyway I didn't like cocaine that much, donno if it is because I was already stoned or because I got trapped in my mind with various thoughts..coke truely magnifies your personality!
I just didn't like to escape my reality this way, perhaps we are all refugees from something, but I wouldn't need coke to make me see that there is nothing to fear. that the world we hold into, the lives we cherish, are a part of something greater, something more....something I can't see clearly!
Am I making any sense?!