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Saturday, April 18, 2009

Thou hast the keys of Paradise; Oh, just sex and mighty cocaine!

Thursday 1AM, in a bar in Maadi with some friends, chitchatting with them, sipping my drink, heard my mobile pronouncing a ringtone that it hadn't play long time ago, I grabbed it, inhaled my Kent6 and read Mr.B's message "Do u wanna fuck", I wasn't surprised as I was expecting that kind of message from him after his tragic float on my life's surface back again and while putting my phone back on the table, the ringtone played again so I quickly read his message "Ill kiss", I got strayed with my emotions and thoughts; is he that desperate? When has sex became a deal for him, that he has to give up something in return so he can seal the deal?! Do I really feel like seeing him again anyway?!!
I didn't reply and I let go the whole dilemma but I told one of my friends(and also a dear blog reader) about it, so he told me "If you are emotionally fragile these days, then don't go!"..I just smiled and knew that I wouldn't be able to explain myself(don't have the energy to do that already) and it is not about emotions for starters!

1:30AM, the waiter kindly asked if we want to order anything as it's the last order, so we ordered the cheque and my "ID/It" started to order my "Super-ego" to let go!
So we left and I texted "B" informing him that I'm coming only If it is going to be GREAT sex as I'll drive all the distance from Maadi to Nasr City and back to Maadi again!

2:00AM, waiting in front of his apartment, the door slowely opened and the same figure that I saw last time was standing there; nothing changed about his body shape, attitude or life style, his mother's TV is still on in her room as usual. His room is still pretty much the same; clothes randomly everywhere, Heineken cans all over the space, joints & cigs left-overs, some Economy books and the laptop is on as usual!
I sat down in my everytime's exact part of the couch, lit one of the joints, he was still silent, I wondered why he didn't lock the door, he told me that he is waiting for his dealer to come by so he'll lock it after, I looked at the joint between my long fingers and the ones on the table, so I quickly asked why don't you score tomorrow instead of scoring that late and get risky?! He smiled and said that he is waiting his other stuff's dealer! I put a wicked fake grin on my face and heard a voice deep inside me saying "Shit! He's back on track crack!"....So I quickly dropped the subject and we then talked about some general stuff and what we've been up to...etc

2:15AM, he scored and got back to the room with a white stuff in his hand grip and not on a white horse as my slightly stoned imagination was sarcastically drawing(when you smoke herbs, it reveals you to yourself!), he sat by his desk and started fixing the powder to shortly make the lines, I approached and watched him in excitement as it's my first time ever to witness such a thing, I loved watching what he's doing; liked the ceremony, the ritual of preparing cocaine as much as watching him doing it. I got so tempted to try it, I felt like a kid in front of a jar of candies, I was afraid, curious, excited and thrilled, all in the same time!
I couldn't hold the gulp forming in my throat anymore so I spat it out "B, Can I try? What does coke make you feel?" He went explaining the whole difference between coke and hash but I wasn't listening as much as I was listening to my "It/ID"!
So I ended up sniffing my first line; when it snows in your nose and you catch cold in your brain!

We got back to the couch, making out, eventually got naked and I was surprisingly enjoying every moment of it! He wanted to sniff another line and I couldn't agree more, he fixed a small line for me, I bent over the desk to sniff it, he became behind my back and hold me was SO erotic! I donno why I got fucking turned on by his move! Is it the "taboo" feeling? as I felt the same feeling when I first had sex!

Anyway I didn't like cocaine that much, donno if it is because I was already stoned or because I got trapped in my mind with various thoughts..coke truely magnifies your personality!
I just didn't like to escape my reality this way, perhaps we are all refugees from something, but I wouldn't need coke to make me see that there is nothing to fear. that the world we hold into, the lives we cherish, are a part of something greater, something more....something I can't see clearly!
Am I making any sense?!


  1. "perhaps we are all refugees from something"

    i am not sure if its came out of u or out of the coke.. but its totally right.

    may be that is one of many facts u can get from being with urslef and see the life from different perspective.. very unique way of life.

  2. ^I wrote this post in coke-free mind state =P

  3. Yes this is one of your best posts.

    But please please please be careful with drugs and coke. I am glad that you did not enjoy it. Please, it's just that you might get hooked on it. And you seem far too intelligent for coke.

    Sorry for sounding like your grandma.


  4. I couldn't agree more with them, very well written post!
    But let me say enta magnooon :P and BE CAREFUL okay?

  5. Posh:Thank u so much 4 ur sweet comment and don't worry, u didnt sound like her =P

    Gia:hehe OKAY!
    I guess u know that already, but u've been missed! =*

  6. I think I just needed a push, so thanks! :P

  7. First of all let me say cocaine is not for everyone. but why did you go there what did you expect? You just needed the sex or just a rebound or what? An honest answer please

  8. Gia:welcome, wanna more? =P

    Q:I know!

    Sou:I was missing him, also sometimes i feel that I owe him am the only gay guy he knows n enjoys, so i owe him sex cuz he's a lot of issues but he's pure inside(beys3ab 3alaya wa howa yesta7e2 raghm mashaklo kollaha)'s crazy i know! =S

  9. hey Ice...
    If I were u...I'd cut the kent and start doin cannabis & hash...much better. Ashyak w alaz...akthar emta3an da akeed.

  10. I already do hash but on social fun basis =D

  11. sweetie, i hope you know that drugs are addictive. you're screwed up enough already!?


    ps he ain't pure inside. what kind of message is 'wanna fuck?'

    ok i know why u went for it, would do the same thing too, definitely, but you're worth so much more, i feel it


    don't hate me!

  12. I know they are addictive, and 3 lines won't make me an addict ;)

    It's crazy I know and don't worry, won't hate u =)

    Thanks dear

  13. he's not pure inside, my dear. i'm going to tell you a few things i tell my girlfriends on a regular basis when they complain about the guys not giving them the respect they feel they deserve. if you present yourself in a way that says "I'll accept the crumbs you drop" (by crumbs, I mean the guy isn't going out of his way for her), then he's just gonna keep giving you nothing but crumbs of his attention. everyone wants to be loved and needed at the end of the day. he's saying "i'll kiss" eh ya3ny? like throwing a dog a bone? please.

    from everything you've said, b is neither "classy" nor "decent." i think many times, you meet someone messed up in the head..someone who sporadically gives you attention..and it drives you crazy. you want to be the person he needs, you want to be the person who fixes him. whether you recognize this or not, it's probably the case. it gets you nowhere. sometimes you choose this person and hope he'll change but, honey, he won't. he will never treat you the way you secretly wish you'd be treated. you'll still feel empty whether or not you will admit it.

    i realize the things i've said are harsh. i'm not being holier than thou because i've been there, too. at some point, you have to decide what you want for yourself, what you DEMAND for yourself, and take nothing less. if you accept a whole lot of nothing, you can expect to be given a whole lot of nothing.

  14. Lol anony, I don't know if that's Ice queers case but u definitely described the story of my life!

    I just want to tell Ice queer something, Cocaine is actually the only drug that can cause dependence from the first time. As with all drugs, you need to be dependence prone to become an addict, but yes, some people became addicts from just 3 lines of cocaine.

  15. Anonymous 5:57 :You exactly said everything my Super-ego was trying 2 stop me with, I know that most of what u said is true but I won't c him again anyway =)
    Thank u 4 ur very nice comment, appreciated!

    Anonymous 5:10 :OMG That's SCARY!
    Thank u!

  16. wow, thank you for following my blog. Pretty controversial blog you have here, but amazingly interesting, I am browsing.

  17. Thank u, am so flattered =)
    I loved ur blog too!

  18. Ice Queer..

    I don't know about cocaine.. but I concur sex is good. I have an entire blog dedicated to sex, because it's good stuff. I think everyone deserves good sex. In fact, I have a theory. I think if everyone had good sex there would be no Muslim terrorists. If someone is having fantastic sex why on earth would they go looking for 30 or 40 (what's the count nowadays?) virgins in some green forest upstairs somewhere...

    Continue to have good sex, and lots of it.

  19. I loved what u just said and I totally agree!
    Thank u for ur nice comment


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