I'm not being myself lately, I feel strayed, I started to catch the symptoms of having a psychiatric therapy, It started screwing up my brain; making me question my believes, my codes, my thoughts, my concepts...everything. Making me see the whole picture and the tiny details of my life that I unintentionally disregarded. Making me DOUBT everything(and Leos r the best in that!)!!
I started to dislike my relation with my mother more(and eventually hating my mother herself), hating my father's passiveness, becoming pessimistic, boring me of my god damn cold nature, pointing at every flaw in me and my life...I just can't take it anymore, I don't want to continue the therapy, I don't think I need it but I already trapped myself, I can't go back now, I'm scared to confront my parents with that, scared of the consequences and don't want to disturb the somehow peaceful balance I made after the dilemma of being out of parents' closet!
I couldn't do my assignment of writing down my everyday's different emotion, I already embraced the fact that am an emotionless cold natured bitch long time ago and I don't need a daily reminder of that fact.....I just can't do it.
I'm on the edge of falling into a severe depression and little did I know that it's the ironically perfect timing for Mr.B to appear in my life back again as If I need more corruption in my system!
P.S: this blog may so soon shutdown due to the hateful daily reminder that I ran out of interesting men to write about!
If this therapist thinks he can strip you of your humanity, your dignity and your identity (in your case, gay), then just leave him.
ReplyDeleteI am going to tell you something, which you may hate me for. I respect you so much for facing up to your parents and for coming out of the closet. But, you know that your society and our society is not ready for that. Nor are your parents. So, why not maneuver things around? Why not have it your way both ways? Be gay and have your parents on your side. Why not have them for lunch before they have you for dinner. I am not asking you to deny who you are. On the contrary, be who you are amongst your friends, and everybody else. Except your parents because unfortunately you have to answer to them and you live with them under the same roof. So you need to be smarter in order to avoid the headache they keep giving you. Unless you move out and be independent and be your own man.
And your blog... you don't need to write about interesting men or interesting sexual adventures. You can simply write about yourself, about a boring day, about thoughts, about music. And trust me, there is always someone out there who is interested to read your blog and read what you have to say. This is a very healthy place to unwind... and to be yourself too. Just my advice.
well all i feel like saying now yooooo chill man , this is too much , nothing worth all that , I think you are just bored and feeling the pace less tone of our lives so just chill , take a deep breath and take it from someone that had been through awful depressions ,and reached a point in his life that he is scared when he is not depressed.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all STOP BLAMING YOURSELF OF BEING A COLD EMOTIONLESS PERSON, if you were getting a dollar for every time you mention that , you would have gained a fortune :)) You are 20 yrs old for God's sake , you need a shield and that is yours , and being emotionally shut is not your fault it is the result of alot of things that happened to you and leads to that , this is how you got your balance nothing wrong with that and when the right person comes he will just break into this shield and you will be emotional again , but come on sometimes if we not just try to shut our emotions and act numb we could ve been dead long ago , so it is a defensive mechanism and it works so why blame it , you still have a long life a head of you ,so do not lose hope, about your issues with your family , it will pass , no matter how hard it seems now , eventually it will no matter what , so just get it out ......crank it up for sometime take it on any asshole out there (and there is plenty of them) and eat alot and sleep deep and then crank it up again .
Dont over think every thing well it is impossible for a scorpio but man you are capable of controlling your mood and i discovered it the hard way ,but in order to do that u need to let loose for a while and watch yourself from above ,and do not blame yourself of being cold coz actually YOU ARE NOT.
and personally i am not following your blog to read about interesting men well it is a part but come on there is alot to you than sexual encounters , this is just a piece in your own puzzle ..........ok i now feel like talking a lot but believe me i have been there and felt that and in the end everything tends to make sense just wait and be good and dont do that to yourself this is too much and will lead no where , you are what you are coz of experiences and this is not a permanent thing , it is a phase it will pass and 5 years from now you will just remember all this with a smile on your face :))
Ice:
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to see you are not feeling good about things but come on it is a phase we all pass through whether or not we have something grave going on in our lives or not. I know the feeling when all the people around you keep saying you are cold and emotionless been down that road throughout my life being faced with the fact that I am not feminine enough too tough for a girl too cold for a girl but I learned the fact that this is me and no one or nobody can make me feel bad about it. I am feminine in my own way emotional in my own way the fact that I am not according to your standards does not make me somehow less or unwhole. Embrace the facts you know about your self and do not let it depress you at least you are getting to know it instead of going through out your life not knowing what is true or what is not about you.
As for the blog do not go away its a nice place to have people who care about you or about what you say be around. As for the lack of interesting men in your life while I will tell you something you probably know but it is so true as soon as you stop looking they will fall on your door step when you least expect it trust me on this one I know.
Be good and well to yourself Ice
Peace & Chill
{this blog may so soon shutdown due to the hateful daily reminder that I ran out of interesting men to write about!}
ReplyDeleteCan we amend it a bit please and make the fullstop just after "interesting men"?!
you cant close your blog you know why...
ReplyDeletebut you can start changing direction of it from men.... into self exploratory...
about our shrink...well i might be ditching him too... i started looking for others my friend recommends some institute in maadi
i know what you mean about not wanting to do the assignments, you feel like it won't change you at all and is a waste of time. The only good thing about them is that they keep you thinking about the sessions mid-week, so you continue to make forward motion. Not sure what to say about that. It's not homework, you're not at school:-S
ReplyDeleteReading your post makes me feel like you are hovering between hope of some kind of good change, fear of the unknown in the future (we're all like that sometimes!) and questioning.. is it all worth it really?
I'd say keep going. It's like going on a holiday. If you've booked and paid to go for 2 weeks you've got to GO for two weeks. Likewise with your sessions, keep at them until you really can't take it anymore or until you feel like you've arrived at some kind of finishing point. Don't put yourself under pressure. Hey, your parents are paying for it. A lot of people DON'T GO because they can't afford it. So you are lucky. In a way.
It sounds like you're getting to know yourself better which is amazing. Sounds like SOMETHING positive is coming out of the sessions at least!
Keep it up, and don't shut down your blog;)
If u r like me in anyway then ur "new" depression is not caused by the therapy, the therapy simply uncovered it, there comes a moment in life when someone or something just forcefully takes ur head out of the sand and afterwards it's just up to u to sink it back in the sand or start seeing things as they are, whether they r good or bad.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, not feeling anything is a feeling.
Good luck buddy, i am sure u'll overcome this one too!
u know what is the pb here, that u define urself in term of only sex orientation, and u r convinced that what u do is right, so i don't realy get why u go to a therpist aslan, even if u were srtaight, ur life should not revolove around sex only.
ReplyDeleteinteresting thought brownie. you're right, people don't revolve around sex only. however it is a big issue in everyone's lives. believe me, if u had feelings for the same sex you might think slightly differently.
ReplyDeletebut you raise a good point i think. gays do tend to concentrate on sex as the b-all and end-all of life. sex needs to be in its proper place. i think that's what ice queers trying to do...
Hey am sorry 4 not replying, been busy.
ReplyDeleteI'll reply within the next days, i've a lot 2 say and discuss =))
@ Brownie
ReplyDeleteSex is a basic instinct and everyone's life regardless of sexual orientation revolves around the idea at the late teenage period.
and being an arab girl i know it is hard for u to understand but it is physiology so .....
XY
@XY
ReplyDeletei know that it is a basic instinct but i know also that it is not only sex, it is a pssion for someone u love and would share life with, and yes i am an arab and i have not been teen myself ^^
Posh:
ReplyDeleteHe is not intending to strip me out of anything, he just makes me question a lot of things indirectly.
Ma I already doing that since forever, I used to have double life but now it reduced a little bit in a way or two which I like..They don't talk with me about my orientation(they are not allowed to aslan by Dr's orders) and am doing exactly like what u r saying =) until I become independent enough to move out and have my own life =))
I wrote this P.S in a down mood =D it's just my last posts are so bluey u know...so it made me feel sad when I read my older posts, I was more fun, more enjoying life and men..etc!
Thank you sweety for ur lovely comment and advice =* much appreciated.
XY:
Yeah I know I need to chillax somewhere away from daily routine.
LOL I'm not blaming myself or hating it for being cold emotionless, it's just that I got fed up from people's reaction towards that =S but being cold was never my shield(If I wanted a shield, I've much better things for that! =P)...yeah am waiting for him =D
eat alot? =P you want me to get fatter so u look better than me! lol j/k
I said about that I wrote this P.S cuz I was feeling bluey =) so Don't worry lol I won't shut it down
Thanks dear for ur comment =)
Sarah:
Wow, I didn't know that about u! Hi5 me, u r speaking my mind we should get married lol =D
Yeah I embraced that fact LONG time ago =)
Yeah I love blogging and receiving comments and discussing my life with total strangers =D so I don't think I would shut it down one day!
I guess u r right about stop looking, I always c it happens to guys who are having a long term relationship; people start hitting on them lol
xoxo
Rose:
Yeah, u r right..I thought I wrote this way already lol
Thanks for passing by =*
Q:
Ma my last posts r results of self exploratory! =D
I don't think I'd ditch him, he's nice and I don't want to go thru the whole process of feeling comfortable around a new shrink.
Anonymous:
Are you a new "anonymous" or an old one? =P
I LOVE doing assignments, it's very creative and I'm totally aware of its benefits...It's just I couldn't do the last assignment of writing down my everyday emotions, I couldn't exclude my emotions from my thoughts...my thoughts usually blend in my emotions and reducing it.
I know that am lucky to have a shrink and to have my parents paying for, I'm very thankful for that actually...But u know, everything in life has its ups and downs especially psychiatric therapy, so this post was a result of a "down" time =)
Thank you for your comment
Anonymous II:
Am not sure if u r Anonymous I, anyway You've got a good point..u might be right and might not.
I guess my therapist sensed that too, cuz we had a whole debate about depression.
Brownie:
WOW! Where did that come from? lol
I never defined myself in terms of sexual orientation only bel 3aks, I HATE gay guys whose lives only revolve around men and sex!
I'm going to the therapit for self-exploratory, commitment issues and other issues in life + giving the hope for my parents of converting to a straight guy!
Anonymous III:
Not all gays concentrate on sex, why you are generalizing?!
XY again:
Actually it has nothing to do with late teenage period or any certain period! =P
Brownie:
It differs from males to females, like u said; it's a passion for someone u love and would share life with..that's how females feel =) more passionate than men.
Thanks sweets for passing by, missed u around =*
{this blog may so soon shutdown due to the hateful daily reminder that I ran out of interesting men to write about!}
ReplyDeleteu can start writting about me . i guess i am a good material to write about :-)
Hehe but u r already taken =(
ReplyDeleteI have a few questions in response to some of the comments.. What's wrong with concentrating on sex? And what's wrong with promiscuity? And what does being gay have to do with promiscuity or concentrating on sex?
ReplyDelete^ It's great to c u again =)
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with concentrating on sex, but it would be shallow if ur life only revolves around sex and men while u can't handle a slightly intellectual conversation!
About promiscuity, I've nothing against it at all =) Did u feel anything against it from my posts?...It's only my shrink and some people who are against promiscuity.
Gays tend to be more promiscuous cuz Males r more sexual than females(females are more passionate) so If u r a guy, It's easier to get into another guy's pants than a girl's(talking about Middle East and Arab region).
IQ I think Im the anon you meant and no that wasnt me. Ive been sinking myself into work trying not to deal with some family crisis that well I can not really do any thing about.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, Im sorry to read that you are not feeling well. My advice is pull yourself out. I agree with one comment that its the dscovery process that you started with your therapist that is giving you a different way to see life and well as we grow up we realize life isnt always as we thought it is or even have one side to it.
I hope you do not follow poshlemon advice. I might disagree with you on many levels but having the courage to face your issues is one thing that makes me admire you. I just hope you take your therapy more serious or may be you do but you do not reflect that in so many words.
Why not share your feeling down with the therapist? ask him how you can deal with it and prevent it from getting worse?
As for the sex issue. Well, we all care about sex because it is part of who we are and yes it does affect your mood alot and could make life more bearable if it is with someone you love. It is however one of many parts of our identities and life and it should not entirly color the way we see things or life.
I do hope you keep on writing and like many comments I think I will enjoy it more if it had more you and less "men". You have a nice talent and would be sad to see it wasted plus I think writing is a good way to get over negative ideas.
Hope you feel better soon
only problem with promiscuity is that it becomes an addiction and the desire for sex becomes insatiable..
ReplyDeleteKeep doubting...
Anonymous:
ReplyDeleteI'm taking therapy serious in the self-discovey and my other issues part and He's not trying to convert me(thu he wishes to lol), he just wants me to adapt to the surroundings(my family) and to express my feelings.
Thanks for ur comment but I'm interested to know what you disagree with me about! =)
Will:
yeah I believe in that too =)
Thank you 4 ur nice comment.