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All the names that are mentioned in my posts are totally fake but they are related in a way to the real person's identity, so you do the maths!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Self-degaying, self-decaying?

So my latest therapy session was so critical, my shrink was very straight forward, put all his cards on the table and told me that he'll wait for an answer from me the next session about whether I want to be converted heterosexual or not!
I was expecting that so I sarcastically asked him about his "methods" to achieve the marvelous result that he and my parents are waiting for! He expectedly replied that now it's not the time to talk about the procedures and I've to decide first, so I acted innocent and asked him if I'll have to cut off my gay friendships? and again as expected he assured that that will happen at certain point of treatment! So I stopped at this point and changed the subject to religion, my mother, blah-blah, snore!
I laughed deep inside because he doesn't know that his technique with me became so obvious to me for the past few sessions, he thought that he's so sneaky that he finally put the noose around my neck and was about to kick the chair out from underneath me! And as if being gay is the saw in my fucked-up thigh/life but little did he know that that's ancient history; I'm the one with the power now and I'm so evolving past my parents' feelings and the whole therapy trauma!

I know exactly what I'm going to do, I'll go along with him and his stupid therapy so that I can get it out of my system and get it over with! I know I'll be walking in a battlefield loaded with tricky land mines and that I'll have to be very careful where I step or I could be blown to pieces, I know what I'll be doing is such a waste of time and effort, I know that many of you right now would totally say "God! Nordine, would you listen to yourself?!", I know that also you would think that I'm about to make my own bed and the time will come when I'll have to lie in it with all my grand forfeit, I know that I might very soon find my doppelgängers with the excessive pretending I'll be doing, but I also know that I can do it, I have to trust my powers, I've to remind myself every second that I always get what I want no matter how long I wait, so yes I CAN do it especially that I've a great point on my side; my mother HATES my shrink because she hates the fact that he can see directly through her and she denies this fact and believes that he treats her like she's stupid and ignorant, she believes that I outsmart him & I'm manipulating him and them and she also doesn't like that he's christian as she totally believes that religion is the main ingredient for my de-gaying.
Therefore, if anything in my plan went in the wrong path, god forbids, it will be so easy to toss my shrink away and replace with another one or maybe with no one else!

I'm only worried if self-degaying will be self-decaying? Will I get too involved in my plan that it might stop me from enjoying my life? Would I do it better if I've someone in my life who I'd love to live in his pants for many years? Or Do I need a huge support from my friends? But isn't codependency something that I shouldn't need in the first place to be able to be strong enough for my plan? Shall I keep hibernating my emotions? But I've a great grip of my life now and since you know that power is my ultimate aphrodisiac, I'm feeling very sexcited lately! So Do I need not to get totally drunk with power? How can I balance myself....? BLUKH!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

The exorcism of the gay me!

I've been having notorious mood-swings lately, I've always had them from time to time but recently they were very intense and successive in a tiring way, they made me totally believe that I don't have to be a female to get PMSy, my mood used to swing like a pendulum from a black mood in which nearly all of one's friends seem to be selfish or even false that leads to having great pleasure in thinking evil, to a highly elated mood in which I'm relieved and very emotional that a cheesy song or a movie scene would bring tears to my eyes, to an apathetic mood in which I don't really care about a god damn thing or person, to a "I don't exist" mood in which the surroundings are blurry shaped and I go deeply into reflecting mood that I don't listen to anything around me!

The swings were very exhausting, I had to get my ass out of them, I tried every possible thing, I talked about it as nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around, I stopped masturbating, I jogged but I got more trapped inside my head, until one humid day; I was in the bathroom(my safety zone), I looked at the bathtub and I couldn't remember when was the last time I filled that tub and sit in it! So I quickly brought some candles, filled the tub with salty water & gel douche, put my cigarettes pack & ashtray away from water then I jumped in!
I assumed some relaxing positions, closed my eyes, pictured a relaxing picture of me lying in front of a sea and that was it! the miracle happened! I felt my stressed emotions were fading away with every water bead on my skin, my imprisoned thoughts were set free by every water drop off my hair and the mean & hurtful words evaporated with every blowing circle of smoke.
Now that my mind was free, I started to recollect myself & fluff my own pillows, it was hardly possible to build anything when frustration, bitterness and a mood of helplessness were prevailing. I couldn't help but notice that I've been mainly down and more apathetic since I started therapy, I miss me, I want to restore my pre-therapy life back...!

My shrink's pattern of treatment became so clear last session, he was only pointing out the drama in my life. Making me feel helpless, desperate, illusional and psychologically ill. He had been trying with me the "What comes first? Relationships or the chicken?" in the last few sessions by saying that I've been doing "sex comes before relationship" for the past 3 years and I'm still single so what about trying to reverse it? Until the last session where he was straight(pun intended) to the point; "you are miserable, edgy and tired so why don't you try the other way aka straight-en up?!" when he said it, I felt like he was saying you are miserable, edgy and tired so you are in the perfect mood for your exorcism!
He's so stupid to play that game with me, I know that I've dysfunctional relationship with my parents, I know that I've been single for three years now, I know that I feel lonely many times but all of that has nothing to do with my sexual orientation! If everyone who is miserable, edgy & tired switched his/her sexual orientation then there wouldn't be any heterosexual alive on this planet! Let him go gay first then I'll go straight! *Snap snap*

He unintentionally woke the beast, I restored my huge ego that keeps me warm in cold winter, he did the stupid mistake that I've been waiting for for so long, now is the perfect timing for me to be straight in front of him & my parents and eventually stop the whole therapy! I know that's the whole double life idea is ridiculous, lame and exhausting but It is the only way out of this therapy with having my parents on my side because let's face it; if I told him that I will stay queer, he'll start using another technique with me, I'll get psychologically messed up again, my parents will know(they already highly doubt) that I don't want to change as the therapy will take much longer time and also who knows what he'll tell my parents next? and nobody will be happy!
So I've to be very smart in the next sessions(my dear cynical readers, I know I won't outsmart him and I never said that I would) to sustain the "Yes, I can change" motives because I've to be careful with alterations, if I pull the wrong thread, everything falls apart!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Wrinkle wrinkle little scar, take two!

Here you go the rest of the lovely comments:

Ice queer, allow me to do the replies for you :
Batates, plain and simple, Gay people choose to act their sexuality, not their orientation, an easy example, related to the post is easily seen in the straight world, the difference between you and a nun is that you chose to get married and she chooses chastity, but none of you two chose to like men over women i guess.
I don't talk religion but for starters qawm loot weren't punished for homosexual act, but for possession crimes, they happenned to be homos but that wasn't their sole sin. and no i am not saying it is not considered a sin by religion, i am just correcting a historical fact.

About the effect on the society, well batates, how would you like a guy attracted to men choosing to act straight, getting married to you or your sister and not fulfilling his marital duties and leaving his wife unfulfilled sexually and wondering why am i not enough for him? does this scenario sound better than two men having sex in their own bedroom (mind you, i didn't throw the effect that bad marital relationship would have on their kids if they had them).

One last thing, I am horrified by the debate on the priest, when did being gay become equivalent to pedophilia?
If you are not willing to check psychiatric texts, read the novel lolita or simply watch the news and see that little girls get molested as well by priests, sheikhs and in many instances by their own very straight fathers and mothers. Unfortunately child abuse is very widespread and it is not restricted to gay people as people might think.
By Blog Reader on "Beauty and the Priest!"

I have to tell you Nour that your war of writing is actually more than wonderful...very enjoyable I give you that.

"The priest sent me to heaven"
hehe...well played :)
By Innate_Inanenuss on "Beauty and the Priest!"

I can totally relate to this post, I've been there. Personally I stopped feeling like I don't belong when I stopped hiding, I used to hide my ideas, my background, my dreams etc. I then realized that half of the times, the rejection was in my head,and actually when being confronted with my own difference, discussing it without confrontation, without slashing back or faking built unexpected bonds or simply respectful acquaintances.

About the promiscuity, Through my own therapy I came to realize It's not a matter of quantity as much as of motives and feeling, I used to (and still do) use sex as a validation, a get back, a hideout and a thousand other million reasons, I was/am promiscuous while just having sex once a month. Watch "Girl interrupted", there is a scene explaining promiscuity beautifully.

I wish u the best of luck.
By Anonymous on "100 years of iso-sex-lation!"

If this therapist thinks he can strip you of your humanity, your dignity and your identity (in your case, gay), then just leave him. I am going to tell you something, which you may hate me for. I respect you so much for facing up to your parents and for coming out of the closet. But, you know that your society and our society is not ready for that. Nor are your parents. So, why not maneuver things around? Why not have it your way both ways? Be gay and have your parents on your side. Why not have them for lunch before they have you for dinner. I am not asking you to deny who you are. On the contrary, be who you are amongst your friends, and everybody else. Except your parents because unfortunately you have to answer to them and you live with them under the same roof. So you need to be smarter in order to avoid the headache they keep giving you. Unless you move out and be independent and be your own man.

And your blog... you don't need to write about interesting men or interesting sexual adventures. You can simply write about yourself, about a boring day, about thoughts, about music. And trust me, there is always someone out there who is interested to read your blog and read what you have to say. This is a very healthy place to unwind... and to be yourself too. Just my advice.
By poshlemon on "I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!"

i know what you mean about not wanting to do the assignments, you feel like it won't change you at all and is a waste of time. The only good thing about them is that they keep you thinking about the sessions mid-week, so you continue to make forward motion. Not sure what to say about that. It's not homework, you're not at school:-S

Reading your post makes me feel like you are hovering between hope of some kind of good change, fear of the unknown in the future (we're all like that sometimes!) and questioning.. is it all worth it really?

I'd say keep going. It's like going on a holiday. If you've booked and paid to go for 2 weeks you've got to GO for two weeks. Likewise with your sessions, keep at them until you really can't take it anymore or until you feel like you've arrived at some kind of finishing point. Don't put yourself under pressure. Hey, your parents are paying for it. A lot of people DON'T GO because they can't afford it. So you are lucky. In a way.
It sounds like you're getting to know yourself better which is amazing. Sounds like SOMETHING positive is coming out of the sessions at least!

Keep it up, and don't shut down your blog;)
By Anonymous on "I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!"

If u r like me in anyway then ur "new" depression is not caused by the therapy, the therapy simply uncovered it, there comes a moment in life when someone or something just forcefully takes ur head out of the sand and afterwards it's just up to u to sink it back in the sand or start seeing things as they are, whether they r good or bad.
By the way, not feeling anything is a feeling.
Good luck buddy, i am sure u'll overcome this one too!
By Anonymous on "I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!"

I have a few questions in response to some of the comments.. What's wrong with concentrating on sex? And what's wrong with promiscuity? And what does being gay have to do with promiscuity or concentrating on sex?
By Wanderin Scarab on "I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!"

IQ I think Im the anon you meant and no that wasnt me. Ive been sinking myself into work trying not to deal with some family crisis that well I can not really do any thing about.
Anyways, Im sorry to read that you are not feeling well. My advice is pull yourself out. I agree with one comment that its the discovery process that you started with your therapist that is giving you a different way to see life and well as we grow up we realize life isnt always as we thought it is or even have one side to it.
I hope you do not follow poshlemon advice. I might disagree with you on many levels but having the courage to face your issues is one thing that makes me admire you. I just hope you take your therapy more serious or may be you do but you do not reflect that in so many words.
Why not share your feeling down with the therapist? ask him how you can deal with it and prevent it from getting worse?
As for the sex issue. Well, we all care about sex because it is part of who we are and yes it does affect your mood alot and could make life more bearable if it is with someone you love. It is however one of many parts of our identities and life and it should not entirly color the way we see things or life.
I do hope you keep on writing and like many comments I think I will enjoy it more if it had more you and less "men". You have a nice talent and would be sad to see it wasted plus I think writing is a good way to get over negative ideas.
Hope you feel better soon
By Anonymous on "I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!"

only problem with promiscuity is that it becomes an addiction and the desire for sex becomes insatiable..

Keep doubting...
By Will E. on "I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!"

"perhaps we are all refugees from something"
i am not sure if its came out of u or out of the coke.. but its totally right.
may be that is one of many facts u can get from being with urself and see the life from different perspective.. very unique way of life.
By echo on "Thou hast the keys of Paradise; Oh, just sex and mighty cocaine!"

sweetie, i hope you know that drugs are addictive. you're screwed up enough already!?


ps he ain't pure inside. what kind of message is 'wanna fuck?'

ok i know why u went for it, would do the same thing too, definitely, but you're worth so much more, i feel it


don't hate me!
By Anonymous on "Thou hast the keys of Paradise; Oh, just sex and mighty cocaine!"

he's not pure inside, my dear. i'm going to tell you a few things i tell my girlfriends on a regular basis when they complain about the guys not giving them the respect they feel they deserve. if you present yourself in a way that says "I'll accept the crumbs you drop" (by crumbs, I mean the guy isn't going out of his way for her), then he's just gonna keep giving you nothing but crumbs of his attention. everyone wants to be loved and needed at the end of the day. he's saying "i'll kiss" eh ya3ny? like throwing a dog a bone? please. from everything you've said, b is neither "classy" nor "decent." i think many times, you meet someone messed up in the head..someone who sporadically gives you attention..and it drives you crazy. you want to be the person he needs, you want to be the person who fixes him.

whether you recognize this or not, it's probably the case. it gets you nowhere. sometimes you choose this person and hope he'll change but, honey, he won't. he will never treat you the way you secretly wish you'd be treated. you'll still feel empty whether or not you will admit it.
i realize the things i've said are harsh. i'm not being holier than thou because i've been there, too. at some point, you have to decide what you want for yourself, what you DEMAND for yourself, and take nothing less. if you accept a whole lot of nothing, you can expect to be given a whole lot of nothing.
By Anonymous on "Thou hast the keys of Paradise; Oh, just sex and mighty cocaine!"

Ice Queer..

I don't know about cocaine.. but I concur sex is good. I have an entire blog dedicated to sex, because it's good stuff. I think everyone deserves good sex. In fact, I have a theory. I think if everyone had good sex there would be no Muslim terrorists. If someone is having fantastic sex why on earth would they go looking for 30 or 40 (what's the count nowadays?) virgins in some green forest upstairs somewhere...

Continue to have good sex, and lots of it.
By Wandering Scarab on "Thou hast the keys of Paradise; Oh, just sex and mighty cocaine!"

I laughed my head off reading the post.. What wouldn't I give to be 20 again?
Breezing in and out, of love, sex, friendship..I am never tired of saying that humans are complex creatures, who have complex needs, no matter how much we try to theorize on the "basic instincts" and "immediate material needs", we are never completely certain if we understand ourselves enough, and hence our needs, to actually know how to fulfill them.
Or whether what we are doing, actually will fulfill these needs.
A man traveling through any city, looking for company is no dating material.
Any girl can tell you that.
Most girls know that.
So there goes your two eligible dates.
There remains Mr. K, your teenage crush, Jesus, all this puppy love makes me noxious.
Dump his sorry ass and find something better to do.
If a guy wants you, he will show it, he will say it, he would put a ring on it! *snap snap*
If he doesn't, then he doesn't and its not worth your time.

And what the hell with all the raving about S's party?? This is not the East Side!
You two faced bitch!
By E on "There's always a butt!"

its not about possession its about common decency
1. the guy sleeps with you the day before
2. you take him out to a party...
3. he leaves with another guy

we are not animals we dont need to have sex with different guys every day ... well eventhough we would like to...its not about possesion but it is about possesion we own this guy ... you are the only who knew him when you got him to the party and did him a favor rather than him sitting alone in his house... even if he didnt have sex with you... he shouldnt go have blatantly sex with another guy... again its about decency... and again we are not animals
By Q(aka S) on "Me & my possessive side, have you two met before?"

Hmmm..inside you seems like a comforting, warm and loving place to be. LOL !!
S and E from the UAE.
By S&E on "He's just not yet inside of me!"

bobo...cant help but comment, tho i never thought i would before...i know we tend to be over-analytical, but this is too much sweety...why dont u let things flow ? i dont see no vibes or nothing, just a normal after party least out of courtesy...yet i find it useful that you got tht idea he wasnt interested early enough...his answer wouldve been otherwise...donno, its too early...u know that kind of common sense...he seems like quite a sane and nice guy...see how it goes as friendship...can you try not to let him inside you ??

Xx , K
By K on "He's just not yet inside of me!"

K, i was sort of there with IQ that day it was interesting and i think his analysis are correct... i dont think he even way over analyzed .. actually what even suprized more about IQ was his reaction when i spoken to him the next day he was very mature in handling this.. like if i saw other guys in his situation and they met this stud .. and trust me oh he was a stud and not only just looks he had everything good as apackage they would have went all like "why was he not into me" "should i call him the next day" then they will send the guy a million messages... and i seen it happen infront of my own yes with other guys around him... IQ had a very chill responce which was like ...mmmmm yeaaa if he calls he calls if he doesnt eshta...and with regards to his entry being anylitical i dont know i thought it was the right amount its healthy for a person to look at himself and analyze whats happening in order to grow personally and learn from these new experiences

Q formerly known as S
By Q(aka S) on "He's just not yet inside of me!"

Haven't been around for a while. I came today and found that I have been quoated with that grain of love or hate! Thank you.
I enjoyed the post, and from now on "wearing Eltawheed Wel Nour in a room full of Chanel" will be my occasional words when they are relevant.

Don't get surprised even when it is the title of a new post of mine when I get the energy to show up again in my blog.

By Anonymous on "He's just not yet inside of me!"

Sweetheart, why are u so determined to be in a it for the sake of being committed to someone or do u really want to have someone?
I Guess u shall set ur requirements for a partner n if u stumble along ur path with someone who fits the picture and is showing mutual interest,then go for it and don't let it slip away...
we all are dependent in our own way and there no point from framing urself in a commitment where either u dont get what u need or ur not fulfilling the other part needs...
Hell be a Slut(in a good way)for as long as it takes...

Cute Lad from that beach theme party!!
By Anonymous on "Sigmund Freud, ANALyze this!"

Wrinkle wrinkle little scar!

Yesterday 7th of July was the first anniversary of my blog, it felt so weird but in a good way, I read my previous and felt that it was someone else who wrote them, I never thought that my blog would last that long(45 posts of 11,061 total page views & 6,834 total visits!), I've never ever thought that one day I'd write anything but my blogging experience always surprised!
So I decided not to write about my life for a change and dedicate this post for my readers, those who always left comments on my different posts, who made me think, laugh, blush, doubt, wake up & change.
The comments will be posted on two posts because they are too many(it was hard to pick only these comments from all the amount of comments)!

i love the way you show no mercy
an inspiration to everyone out there!!
By Convict on "What the fuck has Jesus to do with it?!"
I love the words
This one of the best. Especially when u burried the words inside him, Thank god u burried it there, and hope its just gone there
By Anonymous on "The worst hangover ever: The Bonus sex!"
I definitely understand the lower-middle class attraction. There's something about a grimy place in a god forsaken area that's an instant aphrodisiac haha.
By Anonymous on "Social class gap: Double dating!"
I think we already established that the argument of taxonomy of sexual pathologies is outdated. By at least a hundred years. So while some people here might think they are keeping up, they are using a Western moral discourse, that even the Wes abondened.
How original is that?
Can't you come up with your own "terms" or definitions? Why use scientific Latin to speak about "our morality"?
Assuming we are a Muslim, Middle Eastern, Arabic society?
And you know whats funny?
Discussing desire is not new to this society.
You know what I would like to see?
If one person, one person who writes one of these bigoted comments was educated at all.
But alas! Everyone who reads this blog, and wants to stand for the moral, upright nature of this society is grossly misinformed.
Read your own history darling, then come discuss desire and sexuality.
Instead of borrowing hackneyed, overused, obsolete moral discourses.
Which is I think is hysterically funny!
Now, how about you go fuck yourself, which I don't think you know how, because you are, surprise surprise, shy!
By E on "Pansexuality should be the Future's label!"
Give the comment above an award. It's like they forgot the sex-mad poets we had in the Middle Ages... When it was shameful to show an ankle in the west.
By Anonymous on "Pansexuality should be the Future's label!"
this touched me in a way i can not explain .
By S. on "Ice queer? Ah OUI!"
ok.. i've just came accross ur blog, only cause u replied to a post on scene and heard that i left...
if i had ever met you we would be great friends (sorry, no testise in this premises-only vaginal instruments, that havent been working for quiet sometime)
ur thoughts are liberating, entertaining and touching...
be who u r... learn from ur mistakes... and always be true to urself...
bravo begad...
a potential fan...

By Anonymous on "Ice queer? Ah OUI!"
Awesome! I could taste the mixture of drinks, hash and lust as I went through your short entry.
Can't wait for the rest!
By Lou on "Would you pretend we're only friends if I kissed you?"
Well I think age has nothing to do with it. And no, it might not be that great dating someone who's just you in everyway, ofcourse you have to be ''on the same level'' but he doesn't have to be that similar to you, you know? Because you'd still feel something is missing and all would turn to be too boring after a while.

Undefined relations are the most complicated. Be careful not to get so carried away with your feelings. Enjoy your time. Don't hurt yourself and have things always under control.

By Gia on "The truce hurts!"
Mr.Right Now.
Enjoy it until it lasts.
It will end. Everything does.
Squeeze its juice, and enjoy the drunken lusts for no matter how long it comes.
By ... and then God created Men! on "The truce hurts!"
My friend, and I am calling you friend because for some weird reason I can relate to most of your posts. I just wish I can explore more sides in you than your dating/sex life. and I am sure you have more things to offer.
Everyone is unique in some way or another, so yeah, you are different in your own way and hopefully oneday I will get to have a real life conversation with you
By cairodude on "The truce hurts!"
Now this is a VERY interesting topic to read, especially those first lines.
Being a good writer, why don't you elaborate more about the reasons of what you felt, rather than telling us what those feelings where.
Everyone in your place would feel humiliated and broken, but why ? everyone has his own reasons, and you, have different reasons. Explain them.

P.S: It's not that easy in developed countries to sue people, it's not like what you see in theaters, and believe me this ain't the problem, any man would react differently, if he was here in Egypt, or even in Switzerland.
By Anonymous on "Steaming out!"
I'm highly against medications, i've been on them for too long and i hated every minute of it, somehow i prefer to live with my "madness" and i am ready to die because of it rather than to be dulled out by medications, they slowly killed me inside. Some shrinks do prescribe drugs to cure homosexuality by the way, they kill your sex drive to ensure your abstinence.For a therapy to work though, you need a full collaboration between you and your doctor, so don't listen to opinions, pace yourself according to your feelings and needs,get all the information you need about what you both will do and how will it affect your life and make conscious choices. This day is all that is promised to you, live it right.
Good luck.
By Anonymous on "Officially OUT!"
This post made me smile, do u really think that a doctor that experienced (or anyone as a a matter of fact) would really buy that you met only two gay guys, just for a coffee and that you wonder if there are guys feeling the same and that the only thing he would doubt of would be if u kissed a guy on the lips?!!!
I agree with S, it's useless to lie, it will just make the process longer, i believe u have to choose your way, u either stand for your position or you get back in the closet as that guy with the weird name told u (the one in the previous post) (which entails lying, of course).
There is one last possibility though, but i believe it won't be received popularly in this blog; did u ever think to actually try that therapy? I mean you sound like you reached a good point of acceptance of your sexuality, so i don't think talks and mind games would actually push you back to the place where you hate yourself for liking men, i mean what do u have to lose? if it works you will have known that you had unresolved problems, if it doesn't, you can honestly tell your parents "i tried and it didn't work out" and you can all move on together, in any case, you would have actually made a journey of self discovery with yourself, you'd have stripped off all of the masks/roles you ever wore/played, even with your own self and found out the true you. As S said, this is a good chance (S we agree so much, we should date!), not because of the talking, but because you are in a place were you can question everything you think and everything you think you believe/feel, (even your own moral code, your darkest deeds/secret desires that you never shared, not even with your best friend) and watch it from an external point of view, once it is out there, abstract, it becomes a matter of discussion between you and your doctor.
My biggest advice if u chose this last option is to refrain from judging, opposing and refusing anything the doctor says, just absorb it and weigh it. I was a fighter with my psychiatric i'd attack and defend and only recently i realized that i was afraid, afraid that he might be right, that he might say something that would make me realize i wasn't really gay, I was afraid of that because it had taken me too long to accept my sexuality as a nature and not as a choice, that if i had found out that that wasn't true i'd have no excuse for my "immoral" actions, only now i realize that back then, even if i dated, had sex and thought i was happy being gay, in fact i still considered it deep in my subconscious as something terribly wrong.
Face yourself nordine, it's scary, but it frees you ; "...and the truth will set you free"
By Z(aka XY) on "Therapy session #1"

Should I break the news and tell you that he is playing with you or you have already sensed it? Starting from his disappearance two years ago and then claiming that he vaguely remembered you and bieng suprised you still remember his no and all that bla bla bla.

I would say that most of the infos he gave you about himself is not correct either.

And by the way he only insisted once to meet you when he already felt that you wouldn't be able to make it. Corny trick.

If you realize it but you are still keen to pursue it, fine, but if you have the illusion that there is some "miscommunication" somewhere then you just need a reality slap!

By Suribal on "The number you've dialled is not in service, ANYMORE!"
I enjoyed reading ur story, I guess ill call u whenever I need to make some1 change his number.
Anyway, he sounds kind of familiar, does his name start with M.N.?
save ur time and look for NORMAL guys
loved ur story ;)
By Spectacular on "The number you've dialled is not in service, ANYMORE!"
when i had those days struggling with myself ..i met a guy i wasn`t so young , i was almost 22 .. he was the first guy i`ve ever met in my life .. i felt guilty for only seein him and i met him another time , i made some excuses to end it up(tho it didn`t start even).
i told him i`ll change bla bla bla
he told me that his friends tried with well known and famous psychaetrists and it never worked which means ,forget it .. anyway years passed and once i chatted with the owner of this blog , nordine and i felt sorry cos i met queeny like guy (at a friend`s place) and felt sorry i`m gay .. nordine told me in words ( i thought u passed this period of ur life) he meant i`m old now and i`m supposed to be over such thoughts and i`m supposed to know what i really want now .. i thought he passed the same period too ..
but my question for u nordine if it happens to read this ., do u want to be str8 ? expecting it to work after all those experiences , ur life with guys was long phone calls and with girls was only missed calls.
anyway what i know about physical dependance in homosexuality cases makes me believe it is hard to stop the feeling .. may be u can stop the action but the feeling will be always in u .. and oneday u may explode or live ur life frustrated cos u fear god (maybe in some cases) or ur family society etc .. finally ur life will pass and u lose .. so the earlier u know what u want the more happiness u can get ..
wish u good luck with ur experience at a shrink`s
By Anonymous on "And the therapy continues....Coming Clean!"

I like your blog it is very frank I think that in itself is therapy I am glad you do not think there is something wrong with you do not let anyone tell you other wise :)
By Paul on "And the therapy continues....Coming Clean!"
Loool @ love to revenge
I've been fwded this on FB. I hate to fill these things up
U forgot to mention ur Samira Said performance :)
I've just discovered that I could a feed for this blog to my RSS app on my iPhone. Bathroom time never been more fun :P I read all ur posts.
One last thing. By all means, u r ICE QUEEN
By Spectacular on "25 things about me!"
I'll just point out a few sentences I particularly liked :
I always wondered why these girls are taking all college-related stuff too serious?!

"they are not that smart, they are just a walking parrot "

"guys everywhere who look like LAMEr Hosny"

Now don't You feel you sound a bit :
"aggressive, criticizing everything and judging all people"

and that you are not letting others:
"live your life any way you like"

Ice queer, you might think this is to attack you but in fact it isn't, could easily spot those sentences because i used to (and still do at times) do exactly the same, in my quest of claiming my freedom of choice and difference I let my ego take over and i became the know it all laughing at all the idiocy i see around.

Balance, my friend, balance, their being wrong won't make you more right by the least bit.
By Blog Reader on "Life theater!"

I loved this post,you didn't filter your thoughts so this is what made it interesting.
Anyways, I am gonna say this, just think if you were reincarnated as someone else, a suburbs person for instance, you would have been listening to Tamer, if you were reincarnated as this veiled girl, you would have done the same thing, I think human beings are a product of factors, it's not really their choice in the very first place to be who they are..
Have a great day.
By Anonymous on "Life theater!"
Being a friend with an ex means what? Really considering him a close friend and you go out together, meet regularly and confide to each other? or it means keeping a reasonable friendly level of communication after breaking up?

The first is rather difficult IMO but it isn't impossible, while the second is very possible in my experience (as long as the break up was not a bloody one!)
I even believe that being a friend with an ex is the best sign that our feelings got totally neutralized towards him/her. If we can not look in the face of an ex and talk to him/her without feeling a grain of love or hate, it is then I know it is really over.
By blackcairorose on "What the Fuck @#*^%$^?!!!"
Nice to see a guy not ashamed to talk about his feelings seriously usually guys are so stuck up about this. U r a refreshing change :)
By Sou on "Beauty and the Priest!"

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Love well, Whip well!

I've experienced BDSM two times so far, I've always wanted to try it, to know where my limits are, to break barriers and boundaries, to send myself into a more primal raw connection, to erase the civilized conventions and attain that connection, space, where there is no skin, no outer layers, but simply raw primal emotion.
I somehow believe that submission can actually engender power; realizing that you have something to give, that you are capable of mastering your own will to give it up the way your top wants it instead of the way you think he should want it, can inspire pride, not the false pride of inflated ego, but the true pride that comes from knowing the raw depths of yourself!

My Master is a 40something German doctor whose dominant nature is real deep & visceral; an eye that do more work than both his hands, something that has nothing to do with the good looks, charisma, dressing well, "dominant" personae and all the trappings of BDSM as I think all these things are easy to fashion.
My first time with him was more about the blindfolds, collar, handcuffs, chain, ropes, nipple clippers and all those kinky tools but I didn't enjoy it that much; a chain and a blindfold doesn't make it BDSM, I donno..It's not a sexual thing to me, it's a very spiritual thing.
I enjoyed more my second time with him without any tool, I was a "working" bottom who was actively putting the Top's "work" to joyful use, for me it was not into my ear he whispered but into my heart, it was not into my lips he kissed but my soul, He call me slave and I call him master and It wasn't physical in any way.

So I knew that I can never be a slave as I'm more dominant on bed but I also can't be a master...I can't explain it, I guess I'm a dominant bottom, I'm very controlling and power for me is the ultimate aphrodisiac; I'll get on my knees when you get on your elbows! I like men who compel my strength, who make enormous demands on me, who do not doubt my courage or my toughness, who do not believe me naive or innocent, who have the courage to treat me like a whole and not a half who completes a whole!

Meanwhile, does abnormal pleasure kill the taste for normal ones? Am I making any sense?