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Thursday, July 16, 2009

The exorcism of the gay me!

I've been having notorious mood-swings lately, I've always had them from time to time but recently they were very intense and successive in a tiring way, they made me totally believe that I don't have to be a female to get PMSy, my mood used to swing like a pendulum from a black mood in which nearly all of one's friends seem to be selfish or even false that leads to having great pleasure in thinking evil, to a highly elated mood in which I'm relieved and very emotional that a cheesy song or a movie scene would bring tears to my eyes, to an apathetic mood in which I don't really care about a god damn thing or person, to a "I don't exist" mood in which the surroundings are blurry shaped and I go deeply into reflecting mood that I don't listen to anything around me!

The swings were very exhausting, I had to get my ass out of them, I tried every possible thing, I talked about it as nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around, I stopped masturbating, I jogged but I got more trapped inside my head, until one humid day; I was in the bathroom(my safety zone), I looked at the bathtub and I couldn't remember when was the last time I filled that tub and sit in it! So I quickly brought some candles, filled the tub with salty water & gel douche, put my cigarettes pack & ashtray away from water then I jumped in!
I assumed some relaxing positions, closed my eyes, pictured a relaxing picture of me lying in front of a sea and that was it! the miracle happened! I felt my stressed emotions were fading away with every water bead on my skin, my imprisoned thoughts were set free by every water drop off my hair and the mean & hurtful words evaporated with every blowing circle of smoke.
Now that my mind was free, I started to recollect myself & fluff my own pillows, it was hardly possible to build anything when frustration, bitterness and a mood of helplessness were prevailing. I couldn't help but notice that I've been mainly down and more apathetic since I started therapy, I miss me, I want to restore my pre-therapy life back...!

My shrink's pattern of treatment became so clear last session, he was only pointing out the drama in my life. Making me feel helpless, desperate, illusional and psychologically ill. He had been trying with me the "What comes first? Relationships or the chicken?" in the last few sessions by saying that I've been doing "sex comes before relationship" for the past 3 years and I'm still single so what about trying to reverse it? Until the last session where he was straight(pun intended) to the point; "you are miserable, edgy and tired so why don't you try the other way aka straight-en up?!" when he said it, I felt like he was saying you are miserable, edgy and tired so you are in the perfect mood for your exorcism!
He's so stupid to play that game with me, I know that I've dysfunctional relationship with my parents, I know that I've been single for three years now, I know that I feel lonely many times but all of that has nothing to do with my sexual orientation! If everyone who is miserable, edgy & tired switched his/her sexual orientation then there wouldn't be any heterosexual alive on this planet! Let him go gay first then I'll go straight! *Snap snap*

He unintentionally woke the beast, I restored my huge ego that keeps me warm in cold winter, he did the stupid mistake that I've been waiting for for so long, now is the perfect timing for me to be straight in front of him & my parents and eventually stop the whole therapy! I know that's the whole double life idea is ridiculous, lame and exhausting but It is the only way out of this therapy with having my parents on my side because let's face it; if I told him that I will stay queer, he'll start using another technique with me, I'll get psychologically messed up again, my parents will know(they already highly doubt) that I don't want to change as the therapy will take much longer time and also who knows what he'll tell my parents next? and nobody will be happy!
So I've to be very smart in the next sessions(my dear cynical readers, I know I won't outsmart him and I never said that I would) to sustain the "Yes, I can change" motives because I've to be careful with alterations, if I pull the wrong thread, everything falls apart!


  1. first of all let me congratulate you for providing me with a method that could help snatch me from my current not so good state of mind.
    Second of all, be careful in your way of leading this double life to not hurt yourself or prison everything inside so as not to hurt yourself. Its of course good to sustain a stress free life from your parents or anything else but be careful so you would decieve yourself in the process. Be well and Safe my dear friend :)

  2. relaxing in tub with the "apple of ur eye" would help more kaman =)

    Can you plz explain more how I would deceive myself?

  3. i do support the idea of having relationship before sex for a change!!! you are highly sexually active and sex just fullfills the immediate desire of filling up the void of lets "loneliness" where as relationship is more of a long term solution... and i always thought like you i should try the car before buying it.. meaning i should try the guy in bed before dating him ... what if he is bad in bed why would i go through the effort of dating but as more time passes i realized no... i should date then take it for a ride

  4. lol you should have been in that endless discussion between me and my shrink, I told him what u said but he told me that in this case I'm only trying the "gear shift" and not the whole car! =D

    Anyway sex was never a method for me to fill up the void of loneliness!

  5. uhhhh I think I need to switch. Men are too much to take..
    impossible to understand.
    Impossible to handle

  6. I didn't quite understand ur comment! lol

  7. Loved the post ,your style is growing :))

    Can't believe you didn't use the bath idea earlier it always work.

    About the therapist mine did the same thing ,as how would they make a living if you are not desperate and in constant need for them.

    Do whatever you feel like doing and Good luck on that ,but make sure you always have a grip or else you would be lost in the different personalities you will be projecting.

  8. I totally agree with u sara!

    Ice, ice, ice, ego is a bad ally, don't u think that putting ur armor back on will just lock u inside urself even more? I mean after all, whether the shrink is right or wrong he hits ur most tender spots, moves u from ur being ok with the current situation, even if it is painful, to a better one. Therapies are not easy, and they never make u feel better, in fact they r tough and painful and exhausting, but after all, u don't grow a tree by just throwing a seed, u have to break ur back with hard work to finally see just a tiny fragile sprout, and then u work even harder to keep it alive.
    I personally would keep on moving forward instead of trying to go backwards to the pre-therapy you.

    p.s.Try the car before buying it?!!!

  9. XY:
    Is it growing? =) thank u

    Yeah, I guess I was missing the full grip!

    Thanks for ur comment

    When I lost my ego, what happened? Did I really unlock myself inside out? I'm afraid not! Things got worse and I lost control over my life, so until further notice, Ego and FULL control are back!
    But I'll keep some of the good therapy-induced-modifications =)

    I won't go backward, I'll stay still but with being in control!

    P.S it is a cheesy metaphor for having sex with the person u r seeing/dating before u get serious about the relationship! ;)

    P.S(2) wanna c u more around!

  10. I think the main point is you're dealing with a psychiatrist whose trying to de-gay you, where as his science and in fact all other sciences haven't got an issue with homosexuality in the first place. Homosexuality's only problems is to do with religion and culture. Your shrink is betraying his own mission, I think that is pretty low. I actually wonder at what and who's expence this "experiment" will be! I would put on my armor and ride my highest horse if I were you, for my own sake/sanity.

  11. Well I agree with u and I've been trying to take the best out of this obligated "experiment"!

    Thank u, loved ur comment!

  12. It sounds like you have a really bad therapist. A therapist shouldn't have any agenda let alone one dictated by your parents. Also confidentiality is the cornerstone of therapy. I agree therapy is difficult and when its working it does make you feel better but in your case I don't think this therapist will ever benefit you. Maybe leading a double life doesn't appeal to you but this therapy will just drag you down. You know that you're not going to change and why should you have to. Unfortunately in this society its hard for anyone to truly be themselves and sadly sometimes the best solution is to just hide who you really are. Ironically its the way to be true to yourself.

  13. Thank u! I really have nothing to say after what u've said! =)

  14. I love your blog. i'm thinking "tub tub" :)

  15. That PMSy mood when you wanna scratch your skin open...

    the state when everything around you is just Silouhette ...

    about the exorcism thing that they wanna do to you.. I guess coming up with the plan-finale is so hard... dont rush into any actions that they might doubt then

  16. Hey Ice Queer,
    I really got touched by your post, it hurts when the one you trust (your therapist) doesn't believe in your case, and also the threat of letting your parents know is horrible. Also I can understand the pain of having double life and that you can't express what you love and what you like in open air.
    I love this quote "If everyone who is miserable, edgy & tired switched his/her sexual orientation then there wouldn't be any heterosexual alive on this planet!"
    All what I can say (I might sound like an old lady here) take it easy, you are still young and you have pretty much time to do your thinking and decide what you need and what you want and be sure that everything is under control, under "your" control.

  17. Thank you so much for your sweet comment, much appreciated =))

    Hope to c u around again!


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