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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Magic Mirror on the Wall, Who is the fairest one of all?

My last session with my shrink was kinda interesting, he said that I've dual personalities; a person who is very successful, smart, COLD, very self-confident, perfectionist and has OCD..etc and another person who lays very deep under the surface who is searching for something, seeking to better know himself and life; who is so into psychology, dreams(literally), astrology, body language, religions, after life and could easily get furious!
I couldn't help but wonder; Which one truly am I? How much do our interests tell about us? Do I've only dual personalities? Will I develop multiple personalities disorder in the future or bipolar maybe?!
But I believe he is wrong, am the same person in both personalities; I love my life yet I'm very curious about what happens after we die, I'm very self-confident yet I care about how others perceive me & my body language, I'm smart yet I believe in star signs & astrology, I've OCD yet I always want an explanation for what I dream about and call anyone I dream about, I'm agnostic yet I've moderate religious parents! Yes, I'm all of that in one....!

And speaking of my shrink, I won't trust him anymore; he told my parents that I don't have any motive to "undo" my homosexuality! Yes, I'm very aware that no matter what he says or does, he still indirectly wants me to be heterosexual, but I just don't get it; how come he wants me to be a heterosexual and in the very same time he wants me to have a boyfriend and be in a healthy relationship!
So I'll manipulate everyone of them! I'll be the son every parent wishes to have; I'll pray & attend religion classes, I'll do sports and be such an obedient son. And I'll totally convince my shrink that I want to change and got bored of my gay life so everyone will be happy although I know that I'll put my double-life to the max by doing all of that, but I don't care, I just won't allow anyone to screw up my life and how I want to live PERIOD

28 comments:

  1. Dear IQ,

    I think that you're missing the precise meaning of one very important word. A key word. A word that, since your shrink used it, makes a world of difference. Because I for one don't think that he is betraying your trust (may be wrong). I really don't.
    He did not say to them 'He doesn't have any DESIRE to leave his homosexuality,' he said to them something that very indirectly is a small attack on them... 'He doesn't have any MOTIVE to leave his homosexuality.'

    A big difference.

    He has shown himself to be playing on your side... it's not your FAULT, it's the fault of something exterior (society? circumstances? god forbid it, even THEM?) that you don't have a motive.

    Do you have a motive?

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  2. I didn't choose 2 be homo in the first place so what motives 2 "change" are they talking about?!

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  3. Those Egyptian "psychos" suck, don't they? :(

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  4. Motives?!?! makes it sound like there's a conspiracy behind homosexuality.

    Unless you gave him permission to tell your parents anything, then I don't think he should be trusted.

    But then, this is Egypt and I'm sure he had no bad intent, he was just being unproffesional.

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  5. Ice, this last post threw me back in time, when i went through that all!
    Here are a few pointers in order of appearance;
    1) shrinks are never crystal clear, they learn how to be ambiguous, it's just part of their jobs; he didn't betray u, he just acted different from how U thought he would act
    2)Only u can know who u r, the shrink showed u the 2 "different personalities" as u call them for a reason; to show u that u r not any of the two, u r way more than that, than the appearance, like everybody else is.
    3) why r u so shocked about him telling ur parents that u have no motive to change, after all that's the truth, confirmed by all ur previous posts; he is not ur buddy against the world, he is a professional paid to help ur life be as functional as possible, and that implies building a healthy relationship with ur parents, whether u do it by turning straight as ur parents want or by having a bf as he proposes,is totally up to u
    4)Be careful about the manipulating everybody technique, I broke down while trying it, it tends to get totally out of hand, and what will u obtain anyway? ur life WILL be screwed up, maybe u'll have more freedom to fuck and more money to spend, but u'd be paying ur best years for that and u'd be more isolated and lonely than u ever were or thought possible.(and no one will buy it anyway, especially ur shrink)

    So, to sum up, my advice is to go beyond ur anger towards ur shrink and ur parents and the society and and and.... and listen up, open up, u r out, don't creep in ur shell again, there is a whole world of possibilities for u out there and trust me when i tell u that hiding in fear hurts way more than exposing urself and ur feelings and being hurt/let down by the ones u care about the most.
    Good luck buddy!

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  6. But Ice don't think by doing that you are putting a huge burden on you. It might seem like a good idea now cause you are overwhelmed by the negativity people are spreading and laying on you but on the long run it will wear you out and become a problem on it's very own instead of a solution.
    I am pro- Reconsidering your options & try to find another solution.

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  7. double life... i would welcome you to COUNTRY K!!! OR MAYBE V

    choose a country ;)

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  8. his meaning of "motive," well I guess that he could mean something such as that you want to marry a woman and have kids, that you don't want to live your life in any kind of closet... don't forget that his generation (and your parents') cannot conceive of you being cool with your identity and willing to share it with those around you. As they said in Hairspray, "Things are changing out there!"

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  9. Another brick in the gay wallMay 27, 2009 at 6:56 PM

    Finally he did it! I told u it's gonna happen.
    But u didnt mention anything about ur parents' reaction, does it mean they accepted it or that they will give u another chance with ur shrink? Will they wait till the nxt round?
    U know i hav the same situation with my family. I tried to fight, but when it came to a point they should choose between god & son,they chose god. Do u wanna fight? U say u wanna pretend. Yes, i agree with u. U won't pretend 4ever, u wont depend on mama&papa 4ever. U wont lose very much if u kept some time 4 prayers (thank god my family accepted being agnostic) , and i may say u will gain some benefits if u hav regular sports or reduced ur outdoors time.
    I agree with u, split ur life, coz that's the only way u can keep ur life together ..

    (u bitch went off while we were chatting @% !! $@<>¤¡ )

    aحmd

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  10. NO ninjas: I really donno why he did so!

    Anonymous: Hey! Thanks for passing by, u sound like a new anonymous lol
    1) I know all of that, and u r right about "He just acted different from how U thought he would act"
    2) I don't believe he did that for this purpose, you should have attended the session with me to better know what I'm talking about =)
    3) Do u think telling my parents that their dear son loves dicks is something that would build a "healthy" relationship with me and them? I don't think so!
    4) Well, I didn't decide yet about the whole "Double life max" thing, it needs a lot of thinking and what u just said has been on my mind.

    Am not angry, am only angry at my shrink...thank you for ur interesting comment, loved it!

    Sou: I know that I'd put a huge burden on me so I'm keeping it my last solution =)
    Thanks

    Q: Haha u know me better, I can build a whole country by my own for myself =P

    Anonymous II: It's not the matter of generation, it's the matter of a whole society and culture!
    He's in his late 20s anyway =P
    Thanks

    aحmd: I got around my conversation with my parents for my benefit like I always do; yeah they'll give me another chance with my shrink!
    OMG would it reach to that point of choosing between Me & God? I don't think so, but I'm so happy that ur parents accepted the agnostic you! How did u do it? lol
    I won't split my life THAT much, I'll just pretend some stuff!

    (I ran out of credit sorry xxx)

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  11. Dear IQ , unfortunatley i totaly agree with u lol, u have 2 pretend for ur own sake , let them hear what they want to hear , remmber thats not ur life forever , its just for now , later on u'll be totally independant and u wouldnt have to hear all this crap , u r what u r , they r what they r.

    on the other hand it wont be easy living a double life specially for some1 who is used to speak his mind like u do. Depend on the fact that ur parents will see what they want to see which is " u beeing hetro" give them some hope , since they r in denial already they will buy all that crap.

    for the asshole , are u fuckin kiding me , that bitch is going down lol, i know he had a point of what he was doing, but as a professinal he should see people reactions b4 doing something , he did not , which means he is not good enouph , just another psych. who want to prove to himself that he CAN change homosexuals , make them hetro so he would feel like he achieved a break through and run back to his boss report that so he would give him a rase or soemthing. As u see people still see what they want to see, he is seeing his success.
    p.s.
    Ur heading a long journey , the best thing to do is surrounding urself with lots of friends u can talk with honestly so u would be able to take a break from ur double life , been there ,done that and trust me it helps alot ;)

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  12. Thank you for ur nice comment, and we'll def. bring that BITCH down hahaha

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  13. here's an idea: get a job and move out of your parents home.

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  14. Susan! Happy to c u leaving a comment!
    Well, unfort. I can't do that in Egypt because I won't get a good job by having only my High School education/certificate =(

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  15. Can I try to bring a different perspective along?

    For how self flattering and appealing it might sound, i guess that shrink (bitch) didn't really spend his life studying to nail Ice queer, I am sure he has a life of his own to think of and professionally speaking, more important cases than a young sexually active homo.

    Plus give the guy some credit, Do u really think that he is that stupid to be fooled by your acting? This man deals with crazy people daily, with addicts that have a really good reason to be sneaky; u r not the smartest guy in town ice, and u r not that unique either, he surely saw many many guys like u, playing the same tricks. to him u r just one more patient, that' all.

    I said that in my former comment but I'll point that again; who is the loser in these mind games?
    at the end of the day, he will still get his money for as long as u keep up this game while u will be losing precious time and energy inventing tricks and excuses and faking and acting etc.

    I read comments supporting the double act and saying it will be temporary, but will it be? and if it will- and after one or 2 more years u move out because u became self sufficient (wishful thinking with the economic crisis around)- what will happen next? will u take the hope u yourself put in your family's heart and go back to being a full fledged fag (and i guess u all shall imagine how betrayed that would make them feel) or will u keep pretending? and all through the clock is ticking and your best years are being wasted in focusing on how to be the "smartest" and "bring the bitch down" and fool them, all and fuck around while keeping the appearances (as if that's what ur whole life boils down to; fucking around) instead of focusing on finding out what u really want in life, finding a career u r interested in and realizing why is it u can't build a deep meaningful relationship and trust anyone, not even people that are closest to u and that supposedly u love most.( and as for ur reply, tell me how acting with ur parents and lying to them - conveniently i might add, because u need/want their financial support (I can't move out, i can't find a job with my high school degree and oh my God, i am so happy with my new lap top) - will actually be more helpful for ur relationship with them than ur shrink telling them that u have no motive to change ur sexuality (the truth).

    Bottom line, the world is not against U, so stop seeing everybody as enemies, trust me, it will make your life easier.

    P.s.I know this comment sounds really negative and i really hope u don't think i came here to judge u or insult u, i meant it to be harsh hoping it would shake u up into thinking things through,U r a smart young man, u can do great things but for some reason I don't know u r burying all that under tons of crap.
    I apologize in advance if u found it offensive, i really didn't mean it to be, i came to actually like u from your blog, like a younger brother (way younger, lol).
    Good luck

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  16. Hi
    your shrink's analysis sucks...
    he remind me of old-fashoned shrinks in arabic movies with thier dull repeated sentence: " U've dual personalities" :).. nope u don't.. it doesn't have to be an abstract pattern.. your character is a mix of all you mentioned.
    I thought you gonna believe him but liked that u didn't.
    Man... Don't bother wearing faces.. nothing worth it!
    Bye

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  17. Anonymous #2: First of all, I knew "Nailing the bitch down...etc" was going to be misunderstood and would sound childish; it was just a figure of speech!
    Now let me reply to certain points:

    "i guess that shrink (bitch) didn't really spend his life studying to nail Ice queer, I am sure he has a life of his own to think of and professionally speaking, more important cases than a young sexually active homo."
    WOW! Do u think I donno that? lol am not that self-centered yet!

    "Plus give the guy some credit, Do u really think that he is that stupid to be fooled by your acting? This man deals with crazy people daily, with addicts that have a really good reason to be sneaky; u r not the smartest guy in town ice, and u r not that unique either, he surely saw many many guys like u, playing the same tricks. to him u r just one more patient, that' all"
    I know that he doesn't get fooled by my acting no matter how smart I'm; He'll outsmart me in a way or two since he has a PHD in what he's doing, but(and there's always a butt :P) still I outsmart him many times!

    "what will happen next? will u take the hope u yourself put in your family's heart and go back to being a full fledged fag (and i guess u all shall imagine how betrayed that would make them feel) or will u keep pretending?"
    What will happen next that I'll be independent, I won't be living in Egypt, my mother & my siblings will move to Dubai in a 2 year notice, I'll lead my own life, I won't bring my gay life to the surface to my parents..They won't know If I'm still gay or bi or str8 or even tranny! My parents only knew about me 3 years ago thu I've been living with them 24/7 and they knew by coincidence and due to some stupid mistakes I did, so bottom line; If it wasn't for my sister reading my chat logs, my parents would have still been in coma till now!

    "and all through the clock is ticking and your best years are being wasted in focusing on how to be the "smartest" and "bring the bitch down" and fool them, all and fuck around while keeping the appearances (as if that's what ur whole life boils down to; fucking around) instead of focusing on finding out what u really want in life, finding a career u r interested in and realizing why is it u can't build a deep meaningful relationship and trust anyone, not even people that are closest to u and that supposedly u love most."
    Am enjoying my life to the most.
    the whole shrink dilemma only resembles like 5% of my life.
    Again this blog only represents a small portion of me and my life so don't take it so serious i.e my life doesn't only revolves around men, sex & parties.
    I'm already in a career that I'm interested in, I love what I'm studying!
    I wouldn't only blame myself for not have a "deep meaningful" relationship! That would be so unfair! Why don't u get out ur seat behind the screen and check the guys who are available in the "gay market" and then bite my ass if u found anyone who is interesting and can't maintain a "deep meaningful" relationship ;)
    Who said that I don't trust people who are close to me and people that I love the most?!!!

    "tell me how acting with ur parents and lying to them - conveniently i might add, because u need/want their financial support - will actually be more helpful for ur relationship with them than ur shrink telling them that u have no motive to change ur sexuality"
    I know my parents better, so YES, lying to them about the truth will make them happy and comfortable and It will be the least thing I can do(giving them the hope that I'll change and be str8) for them in front of their love and understanding.

    "Bottom line, the world is not against U, so stop seeing everybody as enemies, trust me, it will make your life easier."
    WOW Do I see everybody as an enemy?! That's so not true!

    P.S: Thanks for ur comment, no offense taken daddy =P

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  18. مِتجّدَدَه :Thank you for my comment and glad u checked my blog, wish u luck in ur "changing" journey!
    But If u r seeing Dr.Awsam, then u'll have to edit what you've just said to me lol cuz my Dr works with Awsam! ;)

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  19. hey Ice Queer..
    Good memory!
    I am not seeing Dr. Awsam..
    I am not "changing" ..
    I am hetero.. I am just recovering from some issues.

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  20. Oh I didnt know that! =D
    Sorry if I had wrong info

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  21. well IQ....

    he discovered u have a dual personality !!!

    Big Surprise !!!! come on...who hasn't ?!!!
    we all have this creature we show to others and the other one we keep for our own selves... and our own selves only. or we may show a side to a person or two when we need to.
    and is "undoing the homosexuality" an option?

    u made the right decision... live all u want but give them what they wanna see...

    Love ur post title ;)

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  22. Well, apparently I misunderstood him I am actually ego-static(have different ego states)!

    About giving them what they wanna c, am not sure if this would be smart or exhausting or dishonest?

    Btw I'm glad u like the blogs I follow =P

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  23. well... giving them what they wanna see is definetly EXHAUSTING... i'm experiencing alot in this field :D
    and abt bein honest or not... its morally grey...

    abt the blogs u follow... well I found u have an extremely interesting list... and I was havin a totally free day at work... so what the heck I have never checked this number of blogs in 1 day :D.... nice collection

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  24. Haha ok i just hope other blogs don't steal u from me =P

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  25. Nah don't worry... I will be a regular here :D

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