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All the names that are mentioned in my posts are totally fake but they are related in a way to the real person's identity, so you do the maths!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Self-degaying, self-decaying?

So my latest therapy session was so critical, my shrink was very straight forward, put all his cards on the table and told me that he'll wait for an answer from me the next session about whether I want to be converted heterosexual or not!
I was expecting that so I sarcastically asked him about his "methods" to achieve the marvelous result that he and my parents are waiting for! He expectedly replied that now it's not the time to talk about the procedures and I've to decide first, so I acted innocent and asked him if I'll have to cut off my gay friendships? and again as expected he assured that that will happen at certain point of treatment! So I stopped at this point and changed the subject to religion, my mother, blah-blah, snore!
I laughed deep inside because he doesn't know that his technique with me became so obvious to me for the past few sessions, he thought that he's so sneaky that he finally put the noose around my neck and was about to kick the chair out from underneath me! And as if being gay is the saw in my fucked-up thigh/life but little did he know that that's ancient history; I'm the one with the power now and I'm so evolving past my parents' feelings and the whole therapy trauma!

I know exactly what I'm going to do, I'll go along with him and his stupid therapy so that I can get it out of my system and get it over with! I know I'll be walking in a battlefield loaded with tricky land mines and that I'll have to be very careful where I step or I could be blown to pieces, I know what I'll be doing is such a waste of time and effort, I know that many of you right now would totally say "God! Nordine, would you listen to yourself?!", I know that also you would think that I'm about to make my own bed and the time will come when I'll have to lie in it with all my grand forfeit, I know that I might very soon find my doppelgängers with the excessive pretending I'll be doing, but I also know that I can do it, I have to trust my powers, I've to remind myself every second that I always get what I want no matter how long I wait, so yes I CAN do it especially that I've a great point on my side; my mother HATES my shrink because she hates the fact that he can see directly through her and she denies this fact and believes that he treats her like she's stupid and ignorant, she believes that I outsmart him & I'm manipulating him and them and she also doesn't like that he's christian as she totally believes that religion is the main ingredient for my de-gaying.
Therefore, if anything in my plan went in the wrong path, god forbids, it will be so easy to toss my shrink away and replace with another one or maybe with no one else!

I'm only worried if self-degaying will be self-decaying? Will I get too involved in my plan that it might stop me from enjoying my life? Would I do it better if I've someone in my life who I'd love to live in his pants for many years? Or Do I need a huge support from my friends? But isn't codependency something that I shouldn't need in the first place to be able to be strong enough for my plan? Shall I keep hibernating my emotions? But I've a great grip of my life now and since you know that power is my ultimate aphrodisiac, I'm feeling very sexcited lately! So Do I need not to get totally drunk with power? How can I balance myself....? BLUKH!

17 comments:

  1. YOU REALLY NEED SUPPORT AND HUG FROM A FRIEND OR A CLOSE ONE SO LOOK FOR SOMEONE REALLY CARES AND SHARING TO FEEL ALIVE NICE TO FEEL THAT WAY U KNOW I AM REALLY DEAD TO LIKE U I AM LOOKING TO REALLY RELIVE AGAIN BY THE CARING OF OTHERS SO PLEASE FOR UR GOOD SACK FOR U HELP YOURSELF AND REALLY PUT YOURSELF ON THE RIGHT TRACK IT REALLY DOESN'T NEED THERAPY IT JUST NEED FAITH IN YOURSELF AND FAITH THAT YOU DESERVE BETTER AND YOU REALLY DESERVE TO BE LOVED A CARED ABOUT LOVE YOURSELF TO BE LOVED BY OTHERS SORRY IF I INTER FEAR IN SOMETHING PERSONAL BUT I REALLY WANTED TO HELP
    MAI

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  2. law 3a support from friends fa ana mawjoda w inta 3aref ha shi. bs msh da l mohem inta me7taj 7ada b7ayatak 7ada l friends mafehon ye3awdoh.
    Bekhsos therapy fa khalas lazem tenhiha talama inta betmasel 3elaih. hal post zakerni b film esmo "but Iam a cheerleader" Lol

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  3. I really wonder how the shrink and the parents will ever make it for you for all those horrible moments when they made you feel as though something was wrong with you. The shrink should be helping you and your parents come to terms with who you really are and that's it!

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  4. In an ideal world, whoever has a problem with accepting your sexuality should seek therapy, unless you want to try the de-gaying then I think your mum is right, the mosque is the way forward.

    But as this isn't an ideal world, whether you choose to play the shrink or stop going and face what comes next, being able to see the colour in life thoughout is what really matters. Thomas A. Edison said "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work", he's basically following Mohamed Mounir's words "We eldonya lw garha lawenha loon farha", he chose to move on positively 10,000 times, through friends, a loved one, singing along to a positive song while driving aimlessly.. it could be all of them.

    N.B. I sometimes wish you were making it all up, I bet you do too :)

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  5. surprisingly i know IQ personally and know he is not making it up...

    Marwa.. i do like your comment but again thats in an idealistic world... though.. when in the real world we have to tip toe across what lies beneath us.. i just cant and help of think of one thing IQ.. fast forward five years from now and how you will remember this time... i believe at this moment reading your latest post i can say hatred towards the family beginning to start... becareful of that as you dont want to start a rift.. remember you are still co-dependent on them .. and not your friends since you dont work .. and you are still a university student...

    you know about me... you know i am going through something similiar yet not so similar as you are dealing only with your whole family i am dealing with my brother... where as you are very defensive on them... i am actually starting to open up my mind to other things.. not turning str8 because he does accept that i am gay .. they just want me to live in a celibate life... either way... the beautiful thing with my brother he doesnt expect something to occur from one day... he doesnt expect me to become straight.. he is geniunly concerned of my after life...

    now what i am trying to say is you have to admit regardless if we are gay or str8 me and you push the limits sometimes....

    how many sex partners we had in the past 4 years ?
    how many drunken weeks/weekends have we had in the past year ?
    mow much drugs have we consumed ?

    maybe when yo go tell your therapist you want to be str8 he wont believe you directly ... so why not tell him you want to be the best version of YOU... tell i want to take baby steps first ... by cutting down on drinking and sex etc... and regardless of your therapist advise or what deep down you do know that cutting down on that its good for us... not only on religious level, but for your body, mind, soul.

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  6. I don't know... I wish our society was different. Maybe more open to different options, to diversity...

    Be in control. Fool them ;) And have it your way. You know my opinion on that.

    And I really find it funny how your shrink thinks it's simple to just convert you to being a straight man lol. What a bogus shrink!

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  7. Maiyouya:
    Thank u for ur really nice comment =)
    It's always a pleasure for me to read a comment by a new fresh reader!

    Ms.M:
    Eh bien, je sais que tu me soutenir, mais je ne suis pas sûr d'avoir un bf est le genre de soutien dont j'ai besoin!

    Marwa:
    I wish we were living in Utopia so what u've just said can happen! =)

    Ninja:
    lol the mosque and the whole brotherhood is SO homoerotic in general! and u've no idea how that turns me on! (check my religious fetish post) =P

    Thanks for ur comment and I adore Mounir!

    N.B yes, I wish!

    Q:
    I'll post a new post as a reply for ur comment and ur last post

    Posh:
    That's my girl! =D
    u know i love u! <3

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  8. Another brick in the gay wallAugust 1, 2009 at 4:38 AM

    Well, you know (ra2eyyi eh) ... Still thinking it's what u should do

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  9. Ma I'm keeping it as a back-up plan! =)

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  10. Honey , u need to see the T.v. series Dexter , actualy i beleive that what ever u beleive in will happen , and this is a test for u ..see what ur made of , if ur litte miss sunshine or ur icequeer, yet dont take everything as a challange , dont limit ur options , just sit back , watch and analyze , the dice is in ur hands , not the dog ops i meant the doc ur already open minded and if u are what u r this is only some1 who is blowing a dog´s whistle , yet its frequncy will only work on dog ;)
    u dont need friends as much as u need to regain ur self damaged confidence, thats what he is manuplating .. ur confidence dear , watch dexter u will see how ironic and smart ... trust u will love it

    N.b. Gym now will help u alot

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  11. Sweetie, u r on a very different page! =)

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  12. OK, I never thought I'll ever say that but I agree with Q. (No offense Q, I don't know u, It's just that I've never agreed with your comments before)
    I guess the real question here isn't who will fool who or whose fault is it; U r willing to fight, and wherever there's a war, there are victims. The thing is, Are you happy?

    The shrink may be unprofessional, your family may be unaware, you may be back in power yet you all try in your own way to force you into what you believe is the best solution, what will make you feel good.

    I know this comment is the most Utopic of all, Telling you to simply look inside you and find what would make you happy is pure wishful thinking, I've been trying for years and never reached that, all I can tell you is that there's more to life than sexual orientation, than multiple sexual partners, than crazy partying, there is so much to do, to achieve and is this really the fight you want to waste your energy and your best years on? How to "fool" a shrink who will get his money, your money, regardless of the result of his work?

    The life is yours and the choice is yours, I recently realized I am the last person that can give advice.

    In any case, Best of luck kid.

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  13. Yes I'm happy, I'm not forcing myself into any solution, I tried being honest with the therapist, I tried being honest with my parents and I tried many other solutions so it's a matter of choice and not forcing!

    Hmm I always wonder why people who read this blog thinks that it represents my whole life, my dreams, my daily living...etc? Writing about men, sex, partying, drinking..etc doesn't mean that my life only revolves around that? And definitely fooling a shrink is not the major event in my life right now!
    I know what makes me happy now and I also almost know what will make me happy in the future, I'm doing my best to achieve both!

    Thank u for ur comment, I believe u r the same anonymous who replied on "Magic Mirror on the wall..."(http://confessions-room.blogspot.com/2009/05/magic-mirror-on-wall-who-is-fairest-one.html) post! =)

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  14. Hey IQ, I am the buttfuckegypt Egypt guy, and despite the name I am st8. so sorry bro we can't get hitched. unless you're canadian and gay marrying could get me out of this hell hole.

    Nice blog, I've reading some entries and I like tone. I have to say that I got confused there for a second because I thought IQ and Q are the same guy but I stand corrected. I agree with the rest that you should be proud of who you are, but I would advice playing it smart, as long as you're financially dependent on your parents play their game, and it goes without saying that you gotta chose your battles. coming out to your doorman while gutsy, could be the dumbest move you make. I hope you find some comfort in the fact that there lots of people who understand your struggle and aren't complete bigots.

    Also check out my blog (I know shameless plug)

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  15. LOL It's okay, I knew that u r str8!

    I'm glad that you like my blog and thank you for your comment =)

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  16. Don't do it don't do it don't do it don't do it don't do it.

    Did I mention don't do it?!!!

    And if you DO do it then get it done with as quick as possible without emotional involvement. Don't extend it out of interest to see his "methods."

    Hey, ur parents are paying for him so why not use the service without the crap of rushing to a point where u gotta "change" all of a sudden. As I see it, the shame is zat your parents are involved in this whole process (one more reason to hate them right?!) coz IQ, this really should be between u and ur shrink BAS

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  17. I loved ur comment, seriously =)
    Thank you!

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