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All the names that are mentioned in my posts are totally fake but they are related in a way to the real person's identity, so you do the maths!

Monday, January 26, 2009

And the therapy continues....Coming Clean!

...Waiting for the doctor in the lobby, sitting beside an aging man, excused him if the smoke coming out of my cigarette is bothering him, and before I knew it, we had this conversation:
Him: No, not at all, let me smoke with u
Me offered him a cigarette and lit it: Here u go!
Him: The best thing in life is not to give a damn about anything (To7otaha ta7t reglak)
Me: U mean to stop smoking?
Him: No, am talking in general...we are so stressed, we should pause for a moment and breath
Me: Umm...yeah sure!
Him: So what's ur name?
Me: Nordine
Him: Nordine what? *Trying to see if am muslim or not lol*
Me: Nordine Mahmoud
Him: Are you here to visit someone or..
Me interrupting: Am here for a session
Him: With which Dr.? If i may ask
Me: It's okay, Dr.Emad
Him: He's such a nice person, so kind and decent
Me: Am sure he is! *Cursing the Dr for not appearing any faster to rescue me*
Him: But you are young, life is still having for you, what are u suffering from my dear?
Me: Just a psychological problem
Him: What? Are loving a girl that is screwing up ur life?
Me laughing and exhaling smoke: No, loving a GUY actually!!
Him looking surprised: are you joking?
Me: No am serious, you can't control your heart who to love and who not to love!
Him: it's just a phase don't worry..bla bla bla
Me: I'm not worried, am loving it!
Him: Come on! you are a medical students, you will meet plenty of women and vaginas(using the Egyptian slang)
Me: Unfort. I don't like Vagina!
Him: How u love rectum? it's full of shit..bla bla
Me: And how would you know? Did you try it before to go judge others actions??!
Me continuing and using the slang: And btw, Anus is way tighter than the sure u'd love it!
Him: you know what will discipline you?
Me: What? lol
Him: When you'll do your army service!
Me: My dear, believe me, I'll TOTALLY enjoy "doing" my army service, dal shoghl kollo fil 7agat de
Him: *telling me a tale about an Army officer he knows, who picked a tanned muscled soldier from the South to be his own soldier and then started having sex with him*
Me: Ahh..Ummm...Okay!!
Him: Does your parents know about your problem?
Me: Yeah, they do and they are okay with it!
Him: Am like your grandfather, I wish you the best and be a decent Doctor
Me: Thank you...*Then my Dr. showed up and rescued me*

I made an intro about the "Doctor and patient" confidality and that I know that the Doctor would break it when it's about committing suicide or homicide, the Dr interrupted and said, also if the patient is pedophile or having a serious disease, I believe you are making this intro for something you want to say...
Me: I want to make sure that you don't directly or indirectly mention anything I say to my parents
Him: If it's not something from the above, then I shouldn't tell them...but you are not obliged to tell the naked truth though it's better if you say it!
Me laughing and felt like as if I'm throwing a bomb: Okay, I've been into men since 6-7 years ago, I had a boyfriend before, I've gay friends and I sleep with many guys!

I felt relieved, it's nice to come clean and then we discussed everything and I corrected to him the wrong answers to his questions in the previous sessions...we talked about a lot of things, god, religion, my life, my friends...etc and he really made me see and think about things I've never noticed before, am starting to love the whole therapy thing!

Anyway this was my 5th session and I didn't post about the 3rd and 4th ones because there was nothing interesting to talk about other than he asked to see my sister in the 4th session and we talked mostly about my parents and my relation to them in those sessions

He's having the next 2 weeks off because he's getting married and he assigned me to one of his colleagues! =)


  1. I am not really sure what the whole old man's situation has to do with the rest of the post but i believe you finally felt the need to strip off all of your masks and be yourself, which even if i highly respect, i feel the need to advise you to do wisely, freedom comes along with responsibilities, be aware of what you will face with your attitude.
    best of luck boy

  2. It sounds fun to break free and just tell the truth! wanna do that someday..

    why don't you tell us more about the things you learnt from the doctor?

  3. can i say something and you know i want to say it

    I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!!!!

  4. @Anony 1:
    I didn't plan to come clean to my therapist in this session, the old man's conversation indirectly encouraged me to do that!
    What's with my attitude? lol

    @Anony 2:
    He asked me some interesting questions like "What does my life revolve around?" "What r the things that make me happy?"...etc so he made me think more about many things

    Lol ok, but it's still tricky

  5. when i had those days struggling with myself ..i met a guy i wasn`t so young , i was almost 22 .. he was the first guy i`ve ever met in my life .. i felt guilty for only seein him and i met him another time , i made some excuses to end it up(tho it didn`t start even).
    i told him i`ll change bla bla bla
    he told me that his friends tried with well known and famous psychaetrists and it never worked which means ,forget it .. anyway years passed and once i chatted with the owner of this blog , nordine and i felt sorry cos i met queeny like guy (at a friend`s place) and felt sorry i`m gay .. nordine told me in words ( i thought u passed this period of ur life) he meant i`m old now and i`m supposed to be over such thoughts and i`m supposed to know what i really want now .. i thought he passed the same period too ..
    but my question for u nordine if it happens to read this ., do u want to be str8 ? expecting it to work after all those experiences , ur life with guys was long phone calls and with girls was only missed calls.
    anyway what i know about physical dependance in homosexuality cases makes me believe it is hard to stop the feeling .. may be u can stop the action but the feeling will be always in u .. and oneday u may explode or live ur life frustrated cos u fear god (maybe in some cases) or ur family society etc .. finally ur life will pass and u lose .. so the earlier u know what u want the more happiness u can get ..
    wish u good luck with ur experience at a shrink`s

  6. I'm really touched, u made me remember that day as if it's yesterday!
    I've nothing 2 comment about but i simply can't be str8 cuz i had never been and never will!

  7. an honest question. how could you say you knew you loved guys since you were 6 or 7? At that age that issue isnt in our minds even.
    Im also wondering how many had an experience with a way older person from same sex at an early age more like raped and Im nt saying you were and Im nt asking to be rude Im asking because I have always wondered since some homosexuals did get rapped before they went down that road. Im also wondering if you ever thought of it as some sort of addiction? Hope you get my point and any one cares to answer?

  8. i love your blog and this latest post was the best one ever, actually if i was that kind of a guy it would have brought a tear to my eye, (but i'm not, so i just looked philosophical and sexy)

    keep going nordine,

    you know you love me x

  9. in answer to anonymous's question, i attended group therapy 4 while and out of the 8 guys i think 6 had basically been raped, one many times by a close family member. One guy i asked how he felt when it happened said "guilty but it was a little ""lazeez""
    attneded sessions with a shrink 4 ages and he confirmed this is fact, other things that may cause homosexual feeling can be being small ""late developer"", and also natural interest in things that are seen as feminine, and then people start to treat you in a feminine way, which leads u down the road of 'gayness'.
    I don't want to take away from people who are sure they were born gay, how can i know what they r feeling?
    i still believe that sexuality is fluid, no such thing as ""gay"" or ""str8"", but we are all on a single line, some more into gay than others, ad the more u get into it the more it becomes part of ur life and normal habits. Don't like to think of myself as 'gay' anymore, coz too many stereotypes exist, and i don't like to be categorized with all of those queens, prefer being 'human':)
    No this is not encouragement to people to somehow change, but as the greatest lovers of men ever (the Greeks) said... "Know thyself"

  10. for some reason I don't believe your conversation with the old man, at least the details, not the conversation itself.

  11. mel awel w ana ma3a enak tekhaber Dr kel shi, mishan 3an jad sa3at kteer beb2a 7asa en bady rou7 3ind Dr ta bas e3raf ana shu. ya3ni khalas beb2a akida en ana str8 w hala ejat wa7da raje3et kel shi fini w rej3t 7araket masha3ri men awel w jedid. fa yemkin kaman rou7 l shi therapy:p afham 7ali ana shu :D

  12. 1st Anony:
    I didn't knew when I was that young, but when I grew up I knew that I was doing a lot of gay things when I was young, like playing with my sister dolls, hating football, loving close friends in a gay way..etc
    I only had one experience with a way older person when i was young, it was my first time sex but didn't go all the way thu and I HATE it now, he was so not my type! but i didn't feel that i was raped! and i don't consider it addiction
    Thanks 4 passing by!

    2nd Anonymous:
    Awww..! Aren't u sweet?! thanks u dear

    3rd Anonymous:
    I agree with u about the fluid of sexuality, I always said that it's like a bar meter, some have more bars toward women, some have more toward men and some neutral..etc
    And I totally agree about the stereotypes =D you should read this post:

    last anonymous:
    Believe me, it was more sleazy than that! He actually started the conversation by telling me a nasty joke but it was too lame to post it
    But anyway u've the right not to believe what i'd say cuz many bloggers fiction-ise their posts alot! =)

    just do what u like and enjoy!

  13. I like your blog it is very frank I think that in itself is therapy I am glad you do not think there is something wrong with you do not let anyone tell you other wise :)

  14. Thank you Paul for passing by and ur sweet comment =)
    Plz feel free to read my pre-therapy posts lol =D

  15. I totally love your new profile picture!! xD

  16. To IQ & anon who answered me thank you.

    couple of thoughts and questions:
    if you say most of those in therapy have been raped then it goes to show theres a direct link in many cases and that raises questions about whether thats wt those guys really wanted/were or that was the way they got used to it and the choice was made for them.
    It is possible for a raped woman to even fall for her rapist and so nt feel that wt happened was rape dont u think that is also possible to happen with guys?

    @ Anon:
    "i still believe that sexuality is fluid, no such thing as ""gay"" or ""str8" but we are all on a single line, some more into gay than others":
    but then where can we draw the line? what you described could mean that we should also accept those who like to have sex with animals (Zophilia), those who like to have sex w kids & even fall in luv w them (pedophiles) and those who like to have sex w dead ppl? and why should homosexuality be accepted as much as hetrosexuality but then reject all the others mentioned above?

    :"and the more u get into it the more it becomes part of ur life and normal habits."
    but how is that different from getting addicted or used to something?

    "Don't like to think of myself as 'gay' anymore, coz too many stereotypes exist, and i don't like to be categorized with all of those queens, prefer being 'human':)":
    of course you are and we are all humans and deserve same rights

    IQ you do realise that we all do things that could be considerd homosexual when we are young and each prefer and luv to be around others of the same sex during their young age but that doesnt mean that they are in luv w their same sex or that they will turn out as such.

  17. ^ I do know about sexual confusion phase, but it's different =)

  18. I've also never had any body contact with any one of my school or anyone in general during this phase

  19. I loved the last anonymous comment,as it discussed a topic I've been thinking about myself for a long time, where is the "line"? where does sexual freedom or even just sexual orientation(s) and nature end and the perversion start?
    My own opinion about it I guess is that the line is set by our own conscience, I think each knows the difference between rape (even if done "gently") and the most violent yet consensual fuck where both partners are enjoying, we can recognize the difference between fooling a kid, that doesn't even know what sex is into sexual games,and letting ourselves feast on a the young body of 16 years old who is eager to explore his sexuality and follow his raging hormones, and most probable already did with his peers.
    Ice queer,how about making a whole post about this topic, it would be interesting to hear other people's opinion about this topic.

  20. I can understand why one of the anonymous comments doubted that the details of the converstaion were accurate. It is totally unusual in Egypt to strike up a conversation with strangers where you simply mention that you are gay.

    Please do not think that I suggest the conversation hasn't happened. I am just pointing out at how unfamiliar it was.

    My question to you Ice queer is what made you so bold to talk about your sexual orientation with a perfect stranger who happened to be Egyptian, old and straight risking that it might take a wholly different track if the guy showed contempt, disgust or simply started to breach?

    Nice blog. First timer here.

  21. Anonymous:
    i'll consider it =)

    Well, u were in the lobby of a psychiatric hospital so no one would dare to judge anyone!
    And also, i donno i feel i became more outragous after my parents knew!

    Thank u 4 passing, hope u like my blog and show up more =)

  22. dear IQ

    Well i am so happy for you and yeah i did understand your point now (relating to your reply to my comment in your first therapy post)
    and i have to say that i wish someday i will be that brave and go to a psychiatrist and let it all out .......

  23. well i really loved this one very much despite i truly belive that the vaginal conversation was full of discharge!!
    grandpa or grandma whatever that thing was reaction to yr status was extremly dum and shallow i think someone his age should have said something deeper
    bas i admire how bold and str8 forward u were with him
    tanx la el 3eyade

  24. Z..aka XY:
    Thank you! =)

    Lol What would expect from a grandpa in psychiatric hospital? =P
    Thank you dear for ur comment =*

  25. I cant deny it , I am shocked .
    yes I am ! way Am!

    I wonder, why you go then if you " as mentioned earlier" not willing to be straight ! or whatever they call it.
    I mean why are you paying yourself trouble to go wait for a doctor if you not interested to get recovered? I donot know if it aches or not , but this is HARAM ! forbidden by law and religion !
    you mentioned in some other post that you are curious to know how is it like after death ! i really wish you read about it..seriously read , go to someone you trust , and ask ..and maybe then what you get to know will help you to change.
    if you are a muslim you probably have heard about "Qawm Lout"..those who were gay..and how it ended up . it is one of the greatest sins ever,,Ever!

    I donno, if you are willing to change, am not okay with the fact it is that easy to commit something 7aram and publish it !!
    in religion, saying your sin in public is worse than the thing"sin"itself! how about publishing it ?! and having some approving it ! it is not your sin alone then, it will cause those who approve on it and just comment in away of Bravo, go on alike to be in their 7esab too.

    please,dont get me worng, i am not judgemental by anymeans, am just shocked of the thing you do , the way you talk about ! and publish it ! way ppl comment on it ! seriously !!..
    even if we are in the 60's century,this will be my point of view, i would have kept my mouth shut if you were nt an egeyptian and muslim !
    are you willing to change ??
    do you suffer of being so ? or you just enjoy talkin about it ? and having the approval form others on it ??
    and i really donno if this has impact on you !
    how could you know you not interested in females if you never tried it as you said too !

    I think you have to be convinced to do whatever, and if you ever got convinced to quit, youwill just do ! you are still young , and have a long life to lead...
    and in that life you wonder about , you will be asked about what you do now..we all will be asked, hence we try our best to get ready for that moment.

    I am sorry, i think i wasnot supposed to comment in first place, i couldnot help it.
    I am sorry again

  26. Batates:
    I'm going to the doctor to speak about other things in my life, believe it or not my life doesn't only revolve about my gayness!
    I already replied to you about the religion thing in the other post you commented about.

    I respect your point of view, and yes I enjoy what am doing(or otherwise I wouldn't do it!), don't suffer from anything and the hell I wait approval from others! lol It's my life, I wouldn't care less about what people say or think!

    I didn't say that I'm not interested in females, I would like to try it with a girl always open to anything!

    Did it ever come to your mind what every gay guy pass through before accepting himself? The psychological struggle? The religion struggle? The society struggle?...Ever wondered why MANY gay guys are still in closet?

    I'm very pleased that you commented, I love "Diversity"! so you should not be sorry dear =)

    Thank you for your comment

  27. ice,

    life has so many other things other than being gay I know, but guess seeing a shrink per your posts is targetting too the gay thing !

    and As I mentioned in my earliest reply to you "
    I think they should then stay in their closets ! yes..
    it is against tooo many things in fact, and as mentioned in other post of yours, "mogahra" is worse than the sin itself."

    and I would like to add, why the struggle in the first place ? why to do against human nature ? and religion??

    I am curious to know too how you solved down the religious one ? coz in fact, anyone can just put the scoiety, whoever really down,but how bout religion ? how could you get away with that ?
    how did you ease it and win your struggle then ?

    and as i mentioned in other reply, i feel pity for those who got to be gay by some external force or reason! either they are raped or born with it PHYSICALLY ! god only knows if this is true in first place or no! but anywayz those only who may receive understanding to their case, but those who chose to be so ?? No !


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