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Friday, January 16, 2009

Therapy session #2

My session was around 3PM, so I woke up at 12PM as I had to do some bank errands for my father before I go, my parents weren't home when I woke up, I called my mother to inform me about a bank-related thing, she told me that they called the psychiatrist to confirm today's session and he told her that he wants them with me this session and the next one, I paused for a while donno why, exhaled the smoke, told her Okay and changed the subject.
3PM, Me & my parents were parking in front of Dr.Yehia El Rakhawi's private hospital(the first private psychiatry hospital in Egypt), we waited for the doctor in the reception/lobby, I quickly checked out the place, 2 hot guys there, a rebellious-like dressed young lady smoking a cigarette around the corner and some bourgeoisie parents! I loved this place and felt very comfortable, unlike the fugly downtown's clinic which was packed of weird people and veiled girls!

We were shortly inside the Dr's room, I noticed a ring on his right hand, got more turned on, he took the regular date from and then asked me if I want to talk in front of my parents, I kindly disagreed as they've nothing to do with my issue, so he let them talk and say everything happened from the beginnings, when they started to suspect me...etc, so they kept talking & talking, I was very silent, got busy in my own world until I was awaken up by his mobile ringtone, he had to pick-up and talked with the caller about a 19 years old patient who is suffering from a post-psychotic depression, he told him to involve the young guy into art, drawing and music group therapy. I went back to my own world but this time I was thinking about this young patient. I donno why I had a huge urge to know more about thim, see how he looks like, how he thinks, know what's depressing him and help him. There was something sexy about him that I can't explain or even understand! Is it Mr.B's deep scar inside me? Was that unknown patient replacing Mr.B in my subconscious? Is it true that the conscious mind may be compared to a fountain playing in the sun and falling back into the great subterranean pool of subconscious from which it rises? Do I miss B and all his mental problems?!
....."So Nordine, Do you have anything to talk about before your parents leave the room?", I was awaken up again and quickly nodded with a No.

So now it was my turn to talk, to steam out everything and most important to ask someone all of those answer-less questions I've always had! I already decided after the last session that I'll stick to "I'm virgin" & "I only kissed/knew two gay guys" lies until I meet the Dr and feel very secured to let go everything! A lot of my friends and readers told me to just say the truth from the 1st session but I just't can't! I'm secretive by nature, I need to feel comfortable and secure around the Dr. to speak up and also I needed to be 100% sure that he won't directly or indirectly mention anything I say to my parents! I just need time, it's not that easy and I don't want anything to screw my parent's reaction toward the whole issue so far!
Dr: Hey, how are you?
Me: Am good!
Dr: So why you were so silent when your parents were talking?
Me: Well, they said nothing new either about my gay aspect or my other normal life aspects and I disagree about many things they said but I just didn't have the energy to argue, sometimes on the long run you love apathy, no?
The Dr, smiling: Well, I was waiting for you to say something so I can take the chance and interfer and discuss anything you want with/infront of your parents
I laughed
The Dr, smiling: so what do you disagree about?
Me: Being gay was never by clothes or haircuts, I wasn't dyeing my hair acidic yellow for god's sake!
Dr: I agree with you, what else?
Me: Well, they say that I used to get very high marks in school and now my level is going down, but I always tell them that they shouldn't compare school study to college one, they are making me that I failed a year or something! I got "Good" degree in the past 2 years though I had like 11 medical subjects per semester!
Dr: What else?
Me: No girls call me at home that doesn't mean that I don't have gfs, we are in 2009! there are way more ways to communicate other than home phone!
Dr: So you have female friends?
Me: Yes!
Me continuing: also about not going to family gatherings, I've no relatives around my age so I get bored from the grown up lame talk u know?!
Dr: What else bothers you?
Me: They are being over protective! They get angry at me when I go back home late and breaking my lame curfew, They don't know what I was feeling! I wanted to feel like all my normal friends, I was already feeling different from them so I wanted this feeling to diminish! [Yes, that was bitchy of me]
Dr: I understand, I'll talk with them about that.

N.B: you will feel lost somehow and that there is a disturbance in the sequence of the questions but it was a long session and I can't remember all the questions or their sequence.
The Dr: When did you start feeling that you like guys?
Me: around 13, I understood my feeling around 14-15 but now when I remember my childhood, I figure out that I was doing gay things that I didn't understand back then!
Dr: like what?
Me: loving my close friends in a different way, very jealous about them and care the most about them...etc
Dr: your feelings toward guys, are they sexual or emotional or both?
Me: both
Dr: so you would love someone even though you are not sexually attracted to and vice versa?
Me: Yeah, I guess
Dr: what about girls?
Me: same, but I like guys more and I've never been sexually with a girl before so I simply can't judge!
Dr: So you have been sexually with guys before?
Me: Yes but not all the way, just kissing in the car
Dr: Did you enjoy it?
Me: Yes
Dr: So you didn't go all the way then?
Me: I was afraid someone might see us, afraid that my parents would know and afraid of god [and the Oscar goes to?]
Dr: Do you masturbate?
Me: Yes
Dr: Do you think about guys or girls or what porn movies you watch?
Me: it depends on my mood!
The Dr, laughing: How?
Me: sometimes I feel like wathcing heterosexual porn & sometimes not, but I'm not that into porn movies anyway!

The Dr: How you describe what you are feeling, abnormal or gay?
Me: Different! (hehe I felt like I was like a big movie star who was being interviewed about her new role and picking up the interesting & diplomatic words to say to the press)
Me, continuing: I believe that God created me like that so he just can't punish me on what he had created, I went through a long big self-struggle to reach self-acceptance and self-satisfcation!
Dr: So why you are here if you believe that & accepting yourself? Because of your parents?
Me: They didn't obligate me and I wanted to see what would you(psychology) have for me as it's not a disease, it's not contaminating or cured by drugs or even has an aetiology!
Dr: good that you know that but not all disease affect you physical or mental status, some dysfuntions you social life
Me: but I'm a normal social person, I've a lot of friends and many people love me!
Dr: but most of gays don't get married
Me: who said that I won't marry anyone? It's too early to talk about something like that!

The Dr: Are you religious?
Me: No, not into religion, I don't pray cuz I don't feel any kind of connection with God when I pray and also I don't like to go pray just because I've to or when I hear the prayers. I only pray when I feel that I want to pray to God!

These were the most interesting questions that I've remembered, he then asked me if I want to ask him about anything but I had nothing to ask so I let my parents in and left to the lobby, lighting a cigarette, dieing to know what is going on between the Dr and my parents, checked out some guys, laughed when I felt like I'm a milf who cruises stallion drug addicts in a private hospital to sleep with her in front of their daily drug supply! (3an El 3esh2 Wal Hawa movie anyone? =P )

P.S: Check the top right of my blog page to find collection of links to posts written by other blogger(s) about me, and also check the latest post "Kiki Jr. Busted?" which talks about me coming out to my parents! =)


  1. interesting.... a bit more truthful with him....

    but mmmm well i guess thats my only comment its just an interesting post and well i could say you are doing better

  2. hi...

    i read a few of ur posts and i really don't think it's my place to dispense advice since i have no clue what it's like to be you!

    but i do agree with you not being hundred percent honest with your therapist until you're comfy enough. don't worry, as a therapist he totally expects it of you and he should earn your trust anyway...

    and with my knowledge of psychiatric practice in Egypt, most therapists would tell the parents the things that would freak them out to "clear their conscience/responsibility" even if they violate patient/doctor confidentiality....

    luckily, my therapist experience never included any of my family members (THANK GOODNESS!!)... but on the other hand, i've seen how drastic things get when u trust the wrong therapist with more secrets than they can handle!

    good luck.

  3. Why don't you go to that guy called Dr. Awsam or Dr.Waseem? They had a lot of fuss about him in the media few months ago. It was said he had a new "method" dealing with homosexuality. Rumours even say that Dr. Awsam is himself gay (married with children though) and his clinic is de facto a meeting point!

  4. Inso: wow u scared me more! Big thanks 4 ur comment and hope u like my pre-therapy blog posts =D

    Anony: LOOL yeah I read about him months ago on it was hilarious =D I hope my parents didnt read abt him hehe

  5. nothing to be scared of...

    rakhawy is supposedly one of the respected dudes in that field... despite my own reservations against him, i had a friend who was admitted in his hospital for drug-induced schizophrenia and he received fair treatment....

    i just know of less famous therapists who would flip once they know about a suicide attempt!!

    the reason i warned is because i sensed how you really want to hold on to your family's compassion and you didn't want to lose it... having them know more facts about your sex life can mess with that balance, even if temporarily, so it's something you want to approach really carefully, and i am not sure how much an average therapist can handle since like i mentioned before, i don't have an idea :)

    sorry for the scare, was well intended :)

  6. I understood u more now =) i donno, my therapist seems nice and trust worthy but i didnt feel very secured around him yet and now am having other thoughts of what he might tell my parents about and what he may not!
    Anyway hope today's session will be better and better =D

  7. Personally, my shrinks were the ones wanting to hide info from my parents while i wanted to share it!
    Anyway insomniac, you are right, doctors here don't respect patient's confidentiality, and personally i could never trust any of my many many shrinks, simply because shrinks are sneaky, they fake being your friends to get you talking, but again, that's their job. Personally I came to a point in which i didn't care much, my welfare was above my fear of them telling my parents or my parents hating me for my sexual experiences or even being thrown in jail, i was living too much hell and would have used any weapon i had to get out of it, even a sneaky tell-tale shrink.
    But again, that all boils down to what Ice queer wants to obtain from this "therapy".

  8. Thank u 4 ur comment, well i want from this therapy just giving the "hope" 2 my parents and also someone i can talk to about anything with no agenda or judgement of his side!

  9. didnt know i was that famous on eftekasat.

  10. Well it happened that i checked ur blog long time ago before i start blogging, so i wanted 2 make sure that it was u =)

  11. the one and only, glad u stopped by and glad ur into computers as well.

    be safe.


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