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All the names that are mentioned in my posts are totally fake but they are related in a way to the real person's identity, so you do the maths!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Welcome to my fucked-up world! Part II

“Encore des mots toujours des mots les mêmes mots
Rien que des mots
Des mots faciles des mots fragiles c'était trop beau
Bien trop beau

Mais c'est fini le temps des rêves!”

...Just had a usual fight with my parents about praying staying-up late, going out every night and the curfew so I decided to take a relaxing bath after finishing the lame cliché fight, opened the water, sat in the tab, lit a cigarette and let my thoughts flow but I couldn't help but remember that I last had a similar bath was with Mr. B when we spent that night at the hotel where I was holding a joint in my hand instead, a lustlicious vodka drink in the other hand and playing somewhere with my foot. The water drops over my head couldn't awake me to notice that the tab is more than full by now, I closed the water, turned my mood-setting songs on and lit another fag!
The son of a bitch was at his best mood over that night, he was so comfortable with me, most of the time he was the one who was running the conversation for a change, he told me about his life, how he was and he turned into, the name of psychological drugs that were prescribed to him (it was my 1st time to know about the drugs thing that night), how he was a coke addict back at the states, the depression that led him to think of committing suicide-no wonder he hates commitment lol-how he hated getting back to Egypt and not using his scholarship and how that increased his depression and arose the other shifty issues. B was so lovely that night, he was like a tempting BMW car, once you drive it , you will be mesmerized by how smooth, comfortable and Easy it is! Yes, I did nothing but getting in the gorgeous car and drive furiously but unfortunately I realized too late that it had no brakes!

I got dressed and went to meet my dear LEO Jordanian friend whom I haven't seen for along time, we met at my favorite restaurant in Zamalek though the weather wasn't encouraging but Thanks to ACs that evil fake invention I was there waiting him and as soon as he arrived, we had our "catch-up" then we had the juicy gossips for appetizer and of course Mr. B was the main dish and speaking of the devil, he called me few minutes later after we finished the dish, I wasn't that surprised because we were supposed to meet up few days ago, anyway it was the usual conversation that always ends-up of not meeting up as he calls in the end of the day so I can't meet him as I already made my plans and we hung-up by a promise to call each-others the next day to arrange something, so Mr. B is back again on the table, I talked more about him to my friend, he in turn asked me some questions which I already have/can't no answers to then I ended-up with the decision of calling him the next day and give him his very last chance which he couldn't receive as he didn't pick-up or call back....!

Now I finally decided to pull the hand brakes as I realized that the Prada airbags won't save me from crashing with my illusions that lasted more than 4 months in this unidentified relationship!

...proceed to part III


  1. well, i think u should have pulled the hand brakes much earlier, i know how it feels when u r in ur peek of lust an' joy.. then a sudden turn off breaks into the's damn awful, but believe it's much better then living the moment then crash into the wall after everything is all fucked up..
    PS: i never pull the hand brakes..:S
    Ur Upper Egyptian friend: M. Baleful

  2. Yeah, i pulled the hand brakes in the right time-i guess-

    Glad that u liked the blog dear

  3. فيه حاجه كويسه في العلاقات اللي بتفشل .. يمكنهيا دي الحاجه الكويسه الوحيده .. انك يتاخد منها خبرة .. و علي فكرة حتي الناس اللي بتكرر الاخطاء اشوف انهم اخدوا خبرة برضو لأن المرة اللي بعد كدا بيكون الخطأ اتكرر اكتر من مرة فيكون سهل انه يبقي حريص اكتر من المرة اللي قبلها .. مش موضوع انت انسحبت امتي.. قد ما هوه انت استفدت ايه .. المهم انك تكون عرفت ايه نقاط الضعف في العلاقه اللي انت كنت فيها .. اتمني انك تكون مبسوط ..و اتمني ليك حظ احسن مع حد يستاهلك ..

  4. Honey, Prada bags will ALWAYS save you :-P

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  8. اتوقع ان مستر (اكس) لسه مفتحش البلوج و لسه مشفش الكلام اللي انت كاتبه عنه .. او انه شافه بس مطنش و سايبه عشان الجايز يعرفوا الناس بتشوفهم باي عين .. انا مش هنا عشان ادافع عن حد او اهاجم حد .. بس خلينا نتلكم بموضوعيه شوية .. انت تشوف ان الجايز المفروض يموتوا و انهم لازم ينعمل فيهم و ينعمل فيهم .. بس صدقني انت لو في مكان الناس دول كنت حتقول غير كدا و خصوصا ان كتير منهم مكنش قدامه الاختيار انه يكون جاي او انه يميل للاولاد .. انت بتحكم لانك لقيت نفسك زي معظم الناس استريت .. و عايش بشكل طبيعي و الناس حواليك متقبلينك .. خليني احكيلك قصه .. انا عندي صاحبي جاي و اهله ناس متدينيين و ليه اخ الي حد ما متعصب .. المهم الولد ده عاش حياته كلها مش قادر انه يلمس اي ولد لانه خايف من ربنا و خايف من الضغوط و الاحراجات الاجتماعيه اللي حتحصله لو حد عرف عنه اي حاجه .. المهم انه وصل لمرحلة انه مش قادر و في يوم من الايام كانوا الاتنين قاعدين يتفرجوا علي حاجه في الفضائيات و الاخ الجاي شاف ولد حلو فقال مشاء الله وسيم الشاب ده .. فقاله اخوه ..أيه يعجبك تحب نخطبه ليك ... اوعي تكون من اياهم كنت ادبحك .. و بعدين قعد يقوله تعرف انا لو اشوف حد في الحقيقه من الناس دول و الله كنت اذبحه و اعمل فيه و اعمل فيه لانه ميستحقش انه يعيش و الناس دول مكانهم الزباله و كذا و كذا المهم صاحبي الكلام اثر فيه بشكل او باّخر و انفجر في اخوه الاستريت و قاله كفاية حرام عليك .. و بعدين الولد فاض بيه و كل الحرمان و العذاب اللي كان عايش فيه من يوم كان صغير طلعه في لحظة واحده و قال لاخوه انا جاي و انا اميل للاولاد و انا قدامك اقتلني لو عاوز لو انت عاشرتني 25 سنه اكلنا و لعبنا و كنا مع بعض عشنا في البيت ده كل حاجه حلوة و كل حاجه مره .. لو انت شايف اني استحق اموت عشان انا احس بكدا موتني .. طبعا الاخ الاستريت وقف مذهول من الكلام اللي اخوه بيقوله و قعد يقوله انت تتكلم جد و لا بتهزر فقاله ايوة اتكلم جد انا كدا و كدا .. وقف الاخ شوية و عاوز يسأل اخوه زي ما انت قلت طيب انت توب و لا بوتوم او موجب او سالب زي ما انت قلت .. و كأن اخوه لو قاله انا توب حتخفف شوية من وقع الصدمه .. فرد الاخ الصغير بكل قوة و قاله انا احب كل حاجه في الاولاد و انا نفسي في ولد يحبني الي اخر الكلام .. طبعا الاخ الكبير مصدوم و مش عارف يعمل ايه او يقول ايه .. المهم سابه و مشي و راح الاخ الاستريت في اوضته و قعد شوية و رجع لاخوه .. طبعا مهما كان المستوي الاجتماعي بس فيه قدر من التعليم يحكم الحوار بين الاخين .. رجع الاخ الاستريت لاخوه و قاله انا اعرف دكتور كويس ممكن انه يساعدك انا اسمع انه شاطر و بيعالج حالات زي كدا .. لهنا اشوف الحكاية خلصت .. شفت الاخ بعد ما كان حيقتل اي واحد جاي يشوفه و يعمل فيه و يعمل فيه اصبح الحوار مختلف لان اللي في المشكله مش اي حد ده اخوه .. المغزي من القصه انه سهل ان تحكم طول ما انت واقف بعيد .. بس صدقني انت لو كنت في نفس المركب عمرك ما كنت حتحكم بالسهوله دي .. مرة تانيه انا مش بدافع عن حد و مش بهاجم حد .. بس مينفعش انك تطلع و تقف و تقول ده كويس و ده وحش من غير ما تعرف الشخص ده عن قرب و من غير ما تعرف اللي جواه ... الناس دايما تشوف الشواذ او الجايز زي ما وسائل الاعلام تجيبهم و توضحهم . ناس منمصه او مرفعين او عاملين حواجبهم اي منهم بقي .. المهم و لابسين ضيق و يتكلموا زي البنات و دايرين يعاكسوا الولد الصعيدي الجته اللي لابس جلابيه و مليان رجوله .. بس ده اللي انت تشوفه .. بغض النظر عن رأيي الشخصي في الناس دول و هوه اني مش بتقبلهم بس عندي ليهم عذر و مينفعش اني احكم عليهم بالموت او بأي حاجه ..
    الاطباء النفسيين خلاص حذفوا ان الشذوذ الجنسي مرض من كتبهم و يشوفوا انه شيء عادي و ان كان الغرب نفسهم اللي عملوا الحاجه دي مش متقبلين الشواذ برضو .. بس خلينا في العرب .. الاطباء العرب بيقولوا انه نوع من الانحراف او انه مرض طيب خلينا نقول انه مرض .. لو صحيت من النوم و لقيت ابوك واخدك و قعد معاك و قالك ان امك عندها سرطان و انها تعبانه قوي .. ده مرض صح ؟؟ طيب و لو بدل ما يقولك كدا لقيته بيقولك انه لقي امك مع واحده من الجيران الستات بيعملوا سكس مع بعض لانها ليزبيان .. ده برضوا مرض صح ؟؟ هل حتتعامل مع الحالتين بنفس الاسلوب ؟ مش ده مرض و ده مرض ؟؟ المرض النفسي اخطر من المرض العضوي .. بس صدقني احنا اللي قسمنا و عملنا ده كويس و ده مش كويس في عقولنا .. انا مش بدافع مرة تالته عن حد او بهاجم حد .. بس كل اللي اتمناه ان الناس قبل ما تتكلم عن حد تحاول انها تحس بالحد ده .. تحاول تديله اعذار تحاول انها تفكر . لو انا مكانه كنت حعمل ايه ؟!!
    الموضوع لو قعدنا نتكلم فيه من هنا لاخر العمر مش حنخلص .. اللي انا عاوز اقوله ان الحقيقه مش دايما زي ما انت شايفها و لا زي ما انت ممكن تكون عايزها .. لو ان ربنا اداك فرصه انك تتطلع علي قلوب الناس و علي اللي جواهم اتوقع كنت كرهت الدنيا و كرهت كل اللي فيها .. لاننا في الاول و الاخر بشر ..
    انا كنت اتضايق لما اشوف بلوج و صاحبه كاتب انه مارس الجنس و انه عمل و عمل .. بس اكتشفت اني غبي لما كنت ارفض الحاجه دي .. لان بشكل او بأّخر انت ممكن تعدل من الشخص ده و لو بكلمه بسيطه عشان يقدر انه يعيش بشكل افضل و شكل احسن .. معظم الناس بتبقي عاوز انهم يوصلوا للمديح .. لان النفس البشريه تحب انها تتمدح .. حتي انت لو انا كتبت ( تسلم والله علي الكلام اللي انت قلته و الله انت واد جدع و راجل و مترضاش بالمسخره و قلة الادب ) حتلاقي نفسك مبسوط لانك حسيت ان حد بيشاركك و ان حد بيأيدك .. صاحب البلوج اكيد بينبسط لما الناس تكتب تعليقات كويسه و تشاركه اللي هوه كاتبه .. شيء طبيعي .. بس صدقني الجايز مفيش عندهم مساحات كبيرة للتعبير عن اللي جواهم .. و اذا كان صاحب البلوج كاتب كلام مش عاجبك مش لانه عاوز ينشر الثقافه الشاذه زي ما انت بتقول بس علي الاقل يلاقي حد بيرد و يتكلم معاه .. حد يحس بيه حد يعلق علي تجربته .. و يمكن كلمه من حد تغير مسار حياة الشخص ده مش قصدي انه يبقي استريت لا بس يعيش حياته اللي انت تسميها شاذه بشكل افضل ..
    مش عيب انك تعترف بأخطائك و مش عيب انه تعرض مشاكلك علي حد و مش عيب انك تحاول انك تتواصل مع حد تاني لما يكون كل اللي حواليك ضدك و انت لوحدك .. طبعا انت تلاقيك مش حاسس بأي حاجه من كلامي .. لسبب بسيط و هوه انك عمرك ما كنت في نفس المركب و لا حتكون ..
    ممكن اسألك عن حاجه ؟ اوك ؟؟
    ليه عمرك ما تلوم صاحب ليك بيتفرج علي بنات ليزبيان في الافلام السكس ؟؟ هوه السحاق مش زي اللواط ؟؟ و لا عشان فيه متعه خاصه ليك او لصاحبك ؟؟
    ليه اخو صاحبي بعد ما كان حيقتل اي حد جاي يشوفه غير رأيه لما عرف ان اخوه جاي ؟؟
    اتمني تفهم المغزي من كلامي ..
    و علي فكرة اسلوبك في النقاش بايخ جدا لدرجة ان الشخص اللي حيقراه حيقول ايه المتخلف ده حتي لو انت اللي كنت علي حق .. لو انك واحد متدين حتعرف ان الدين المعامله .. و حتعرف ان لو حتي انت شايف حاجه غلط زي ما انت تقول اخر وسيلة كان الدين ممكن يفكر فيها في ارشاد الناس هيا انه يقولهم انتم حتموتوا .. و انتم مش اهل للدنيا دي .. اسلوبك بيدل علي انك واحد سطحي من كل النواحي من الناحية الدينيه و الاجتماعيه و كل حاجه .. صدقني انا مش بشتمك بس بقولك رأيي بصراحه .. انت رايك بنيته علي ايه .. علي فيلم عمارة يعقوبيان ؟؟و لا علي صاحب البلوج شفته لابس كوندوم و بيعمل سكس في بير السلم عندك ؟؟ عموما اتمني انك تفهم انا عاوز اوصلك ايه و متزعلش اذا كنت قلت حاجه مش علي مزاجك بس كل واحد حر انه يعبر عن رأيه بأسلوبه الخاص .. و معليش لو كان اسلوبي مفيش فيه كلمات خارجه كتير زي اسلوبك .. بس ده لاني عارف ان الكلام اللي زي كدا مش حيودي و لا حيجيب .. الاحترام بنحصل عليه لما احنا نعامل الناس باحترام ..

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  11. and oh yea seems u didn`t read what i`ve written .. but let me ask u >> does it make a difference for u if u know what that guy does in sex ?? his role i mean ??
    why should u be interested ?
    man just keep urself away cos u bother people .. and as long as u say u don`t care about all this crap .. so keep it on and just leave them .. unless u feel happy being here ..

  12. Convict: Hehe maybe! =P

    Just another1: I agree with u in some points, and thanks 4 ur nice post =)

    Those Anonymous posters: Sorry but, I had 2 delete ur comments-and I hate to censor anything but you didn't give me a choice-cuz they had nothing 2 do with my blog or what i talk about

  13. It's OK ya KOS omak,
    Cheers ya khawal :)

  14. ezay ya3ny they had nothing 2 do with my blog or what i talk about ?!!

    enta khawal w btetkalem 3al khawalat elly enta menhom w e7na benkalemak 3al khawalat w bnes2alak 3ala khawlantak, so ezay ba2a had nothing to do ?!! wala enta lesa wa7ed fa23ak zobr w mesh metkayyef wala eh ?

    w ba3dein fy option 3andak fel blog panel, yekhaleek te3mel approve lel post before appearing

  15. Well from ur way in discussing, it doesn't seem 2 me that u really care 2 know about gay life!
    Wa ba3dain why u bother?!

  16. Just a matter of collecting of informations, why are u worried about answering ?!

    You have a blog about gays, as this phenomena is not that known between us, Arab people, so we are curious to know. When I say that this phenomena is not that really known, I mean that I rarely meet a gay online, not to mention in real life ! ya3ny mantoosh keteer wala 7aga, bas heya something to be different w ya reit 7aga 3edla !

    Before deciding to start such a blog, you had to expect that you will face this kind of question, especially that there exist some people who don't accept you, gays, as a real fact that we, straight, have to live with and read their sexual experiences !

    Besides, I wonder why you, gays, share ONLY your sexual experiences, ya3ny w eza boleetom fa estatero, mesh teb2o khawalat w tefda7o nafsoko, mesh keda wala eh ??

  17. See? That's what am talking about! What with the tune?

    And why the hell u care if I get fucked or if I fuck or whatever! That won't add anything 2 u if u really wanna know about gay world. It is not a phenomena! Gays exist since long time and there r manyyyy gays in Egypt and Arab world! Not all gays should look like the picture of gays in Arabic movie! i.e mesh lazem yeb2a toto wa masek lebana wa beytmar2a3 zai el banat so maybe that's why u don't feel that we r in huge amount.

    I know and expected that i'll receive such homophobic comments but i really don't care only if someone really wants 2 discuss in a proper, decent and civilized way otherwise i'll totally ignore.
    And btw I don't talk about my sexual experience! that's explains that u didn't even read what I wrote and u just want to post ur silly comments wa khalas!

  18. In fact, now, I realized that you are TOTALLY disordered. You only write for the sake of spreading such weird thoughts, you type anything that cross to your mind instead what you did/made in your misery life, TOO bad :(

    The benefit from knowing the kind of your homosexuality type is to recognize the shape, the form and the style of the gays persons. So that your shape would represent the shape of a passive/active gay. That's how it will help :)

    You are affirming that there exist gays with big amount in Egypt, or really ? Then tell me why didn't we , Egyptians, accept you, gays, as real facts that we should respect and give them the FULL rights to live a normal life under the spot, away from the underworld atmosphere ? Why still can't you, gays, speak out frankly to your parents about your sexual orientation and then get married to another man ?! Isn't it a sign of fear and suspense that color your actions ?

    About the guy or the teens who actually do some gayish actions, I don't classify them as gays, but I'd describe them as gays, only from the physical part, not from the mental/moral part.

  19. Concerning the "I didn't read your blog" part, well, here you are some evidences for my opinion :)

    In the second article you wrote, titled as "Welcome to my fucked-up world!" you described a guy with
    "B. is a decent, classy, bisexual-oh really?!-, around my age, shares the same mentality, quite sexy but psycho!" What the hell being sexy has to do with your post, aren't you indicating to the sexual part in your relationship with this person ??

    You continued describing the guy with "his inability to sexually perform without being stoned".. WTF did you meant except your desire to spread how weird he is during the sexual process :)

    ha ? Still ignoring the sexual parts in your blog in your just second article ? Well, let's continue the rest parts ;)

    In a later part in the same article, you mentioned:
    "I spent a lot of time in this unidentified relationship, a lot of bed sheets, an awesome night together in the hotel and definitely huge effort to turn him from someone who doesn't even kiss to someone who tops the rimming job"
    Isn't it a CLEAR description for a complete sexual experience between two masculines ? You tell..

    Now, I hope that you won't argue about the point of why I'm concerned or not, it's the same thing that you are making by spreading your sexual experiences in an online blog, with the presence of many people who read and follow such diaries and they find it, as I do, strange and weird that someone is ruining his own reputation by his own will.

    I'd like to admit that the only article that make sense to me is the first article. Although I don't agree about many certain points, but still it makes sense in many parts and there is some reasonable talk that ANYONE can read with no problem :)

  20. Oops did the "sexual" description in my posts hurt u? or u can't sleep at night cuz you don't know my role on bed?
    Oh My! Am sorry, ma3lesh don't read my blog anymore :)

  21. Mr.Curious: I won't approve any comment of urs anymore :)

  22. As an impartial and not so partial observer, I am actually fascinated by the kind of rhetoric and discourse being circulated in these comments.
    Indeed, its ironic and borderlines hysteria.
    So, all of sudden there is a "we" the Egyptians, "we the Arabs", as if the Arabs and the Egyptians are one harmonious totality which "you" straight people represent! How funny is that!
    Reading this simplistic, reductionist sermon on human sexuality and religion, I understand that those who wrote these comments are fifty years behind in understanding basic human psychology and history.
    Its so sad that we invoke the discourse of the invalid and the mentally insane to describe homosexuality while the same people (ie the West) who invented this discourse banned it years ago.
    Its a crime to use the kind of language everyone here takes such liberty with.
    The parochial point of you, the adolescent understanding of religion and history, the very history of the country you all live in and the "Arabs" live in too is fraught with examples of numerous, very colorful sexual configurations.
    But I doubt anyone who used such language, has any idea about your country's own history, or the history of the "Arabs".
    Before we throw in "religion" and "psychology" and play in the themes of Hell fire and the psychologically insane it would do all of you a great good to perhaps read a little, know a little more about these discourse you use so liberally.
    For those of us who are actually educated, its not only insulting, but also its tragically funny.

  23. the fact you decided not to publish my comments satisfies my ego, it just bothers me that cowards and sissies like you try to stretch up and show off fake guts.

    You're just another pussy in the row, enjoy your life as it goes like that, ya khawal : )

  24. You're such a dishonest and ill mannered person, so that's what you do ? you only publish what you want to show others that I am only insulting you ?

    If you are a liar and twisted, how do you expect the society to treat you properly, if you can't deal with something trivial like some comments opposing you (politely) then how do you expect people to accept something serious like your perverted sexual orientation ?

    I ask you to publish everything I submit here, else don't approve it all, be a man aw masel 3alaina ya3am 7ata enak ragel.

  25. Mr.Curious: (Politely)? really? the reason behind rejecting ur comments cuz they were not polite and some were asking about private personal information(like my role on bed!) moreover many of them were trivial!

  26. be3eed 3an mawdoo3 enak gay fana a7eb a2olak enak shab bedan awy we damak te2eel :)


Feel free to speak out and leave a comment, I don't bite!