Steaming out!

I wouldn't cry on anyone like I did today....
I feel so weak and vulnerable....
I feel so gay....
I depression-ly wonder what would have been my reaction if I was straight....
How I let him humiliate me like that in public....
But it wasn't my fault!
I shouldn't be responsible if he wanted to drive between me and the big bus next to me!
I was so polite though it wasn't my fault....
He was quiet until he showed me what happened to his car!
Then I found an unleashed monster right in front of me, grabbing me from my t-shirt, hitting me on my neck and face, cursing me, my glasses fell down, I desperately tried to convince him that it is not my god damn fault but in vain, a police soldier of Israel's embassy ran and pulled him away from me, the monster smasshed my glasses in front of me before he gets back inside his luxurious car!
I kneeled down the asphalt in tears and grabbed the left over pieces of my glasses....
Everything is diffused and irritated around me, I donno how I drove to college....
Parked, looked at the slight redness of my neck and face, few blood dropping from my neck from his nails....
Looked at the pieces of my glasses....
Felt like a high school nerd who got bullied by some hunks....
Wished I had my contacts on today....
Being not able to see accurately made me feel more weak inside....
Why I let him do this to me? Why I always let them go and let my rights go? Him! My laptops' robbers....
Do I enjoy being a victim? No! I ain't masochist!
Such a stupid country! I would have sued him and took mass of cents out of his bloody ass if I was living in a more civilized country!
Thinking about the huge headache I'll have after finishing my day with stupid patients, boring professors and moreover the mentally challenged drivers in my way back home....
Too much headache already after writing, typing and posting all of this!
Karma?!

Are we literally gay?

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And their like It's better than yours,
Damn right it's better than yours,
I can teach you,
But I have to charge

In a public bus after LONG time of not approaching, going back home from college, it's cute to bounce between levels, yesterday was driving back home and today I trapped myself inside the overloaded bus, some people were fighting as usual in the back of the vehicle, a lady who is over-watching the human wolves around her so as not to get her "fabulous" body sexually harassed, a batwoman reading Qura'n, a herming man cursed the government as soon as he saw the central security forces standing/waiting in front of the university and started storytelling his exaggerated couragement/adventures in front of Nahhas Pasha!

I wanted to isolate myself from al the this noise/actions, tried to sneak a peek of that newspaper with the gentleman in the front chair, interesting interview with that brave girl who sued a guy who sexually harassed her in the street, couldn't continue reading that capturing interview as the gentleman's reaction towards it was not as mine in any tiny way, a page had to be turned so a blog post had to be written!

I couldn't help but steam out those thoughts am having recently and there was nothing better to isolate myself from the current surroundings than writing......

How far would you go to land in "trés content" island? You can easily spot the crave for happyness any where anytime; in the eyes of a mother who is fixing her daughter's wedding veil, fluffing her dress and telling her no woman ever been that beautiful! In the couragement of Salomon fish to travel from seas to rivers regardless all the risks just to meet-up with his beloved ones and mate! In the controversy of the male Seahorse to undergo a pregnancy look-like process by carrying the developing babies in a non-uterine pouch in the front of their bodies where the female seahorse implanted her eggs so that the male can fertilises them internally and carries them to term just to be a father!

But we the gays who are supposed to be "happy" as how our "label" is defined in all bloody dictionaries, are we literally gay? Don't you get bored of living a double and maybe triple lives? Isn't it unfair that we suffer due to a lot of things like unacceptance for instance? Even in the most civilized countries, many parents wish to have heterosexual kids as they want them to be "Happy"!

.....26th of October, 12AM in my car somewhere in Maadi, a joint in my hand, receiving sweet calls and SMSs wishing me a fabulous birthday, looking at Jovee with lust in the passenger's seat, got distracted by his fugly new hair-cut, I always told him never to go to Egyptian hairdresser if you have long hair that needs to be trimmed, teased him and said that I won't allow his existance in my birthday party next thursday if his hair didn't grow any longer, he replied that he won't be able to attend it anyway as it will be his sister's engagement party that night and wondered if I could postpone it to Friday if I like/want him to be there with me on that night! I drove him back home and kept thinking about the whole issue in my way back home.

Is he worth it? I definitely won't make a big deal out of postponing my birthday as Thursday won't differ that much from Friday, but I was seeing it from a different perspective; Is Jovee worth any effort from me after all the hints he mentioned the last time we met? He is so not looking for any relationship! He even wanted to hook me up with someone for god's sake!

What's wrong with me? almost all my friends are against this relationship saying that I deserve someone better, that I can do much better and things of this kind!....If only they could see what i'm seeing/feeling? but why I still want to work on this relationship though 80% it's going nowhere and though all my gay 6th senses proved all of that before it even starts?!

I decided to stop talking or thinking about it with him, myself and anyone until further notice! And my birthday party will be on Thursday as it is planned to be! See you there at Cairo Jazz Club!

The truce hurts!

Wednesday 1st of Oct, first day of the feast, haven't sleep yet, still stoned somehow as I smoked up with my hetero buddies after they finished Eid's prayers, in my uncle's car heading to my Aunt's villa at 6th of October city for a family lunch over the pool, extended my seat, doing my best to avoid the annoying sun rays, cursing my bad luck with shades, trying to have a small nap but something prevented that from happening, my uncle played "Kermalak(For you)" song of Elissa and it got me!

I remembered all what happened with Jovee last night/few hours ago, the kisses we stole all over Maadi, that dark street where we made out and how amazing it felt when lust took the car's direction wheel! Elissa's songs kept haunting me in our way to my aunt and even all our way to Agami! I was listening to some songs as if am listening to them for the first time, different from how I used to listen to them when I broke up with my ex.boyfriend and also different from how I heard them in the very first time! It was long enough distance to Agami to trap me inside my mind with all those thoughts and answerless questions!
Do we match? Were we only horny? Is he thinking about me likewise? Will he deal with the whole thing in a damn practical way like a typical Virgo? Shall I go down with my "No gambling with my emotions" ship and don't put my hands up and surrender? Is he Mr.right or Mr.right now? Yes, I'm still young but will my experiment with a 1 year older guy succeed as I always wondered? Won't it be great to date someone who is like me in million ways? Agnostic, smoker, alcoholic, issues-free somehow et plus he's already involved in my hetero gang and living near to me....that's it! I decided to stop thinking about it and get myself as busy as possible until I go back to Cairo and talk with him about it.

Saturday 4th of Oct, in my way back to Cairo, called him to check his plans for tonight, doing my best to be sweet with him unlike my bitchyness in the last phone call:
Me: Hey, what's up?
Him: Drunk and just came back from that wedding
Me: Am tipsy and just saw one of your silly friends in Sheikh Ali bar
Him: Sheikh Ali? Did you go to Alexandria?
Me: Oui, had late lunch here and met up with my alex friends
Him: OMG! from Agami to Sheikh Ali in Alex, are you that desperate? (laughing)
Me: Yes! am that desperate that I kissed you that night!
Him: You're such a bitch!!
Me: I'm joking, I enjoyed it wallahi!
Him: Yeah, I bet you did!
Me: Who's the bitch now?
Him: Am not! you wouldn't kiss more if you didn't enjoy it!
Me: Oh! What do you know about life? Maybe I was just horny!
Him: We didn't fuck, we KISSED!

....11pm, we were having our drinks in one of Cairo's oldest pubs, I was happy that I could finally be nice to "S", Jovee's friend whom ex cheated on me with him though S knew that we were in love! Few minutes later another friend of Jovee arrived, we moved to another table with better view, I enjoyed listening to their stories, I was drunk but still concious, I told S that I will drive Jovee back home in my way, we got into my car, I hit the road and he started the conversation:
Him: Nordine, btw I didn't kiss you because I was drunk
Me: I know, I was just teasing you when you said in the pub that you were too drunk when you found yourself making out with Mina in the bathroom in M's last party
Him: Anyway, I'm not ready for dating as I want to continue my studies abroad because I want to love my home asap specially after my mum knew about me as you know, so am looking for friends or fuck buddies right now!
Me: Okay, so where are we? we are not friends as I don't sleep with friends and we are not fuck buddies as fuck buddies are not friends and we can't date as you are not ready!
Him: Nordine, you are hot and I like you so much but it's just I don't wanna mess up things and hurt anyone
Me: You are sexy and you know that I like you too but stop being so practical! I want to do my masters abroad but that doesn't mean that I should stop my life for something am not sure about it yet after 2 years! Who knows? I would die tomorrow! Just make the most of now and enjoy your life!
Him: But I'll be sure about it when my step-dad comes back from Europe by the mid of this month
Me: You know that am not a big fan of labes, I'm enjoying my time with you and don't care for a definition for it!
Him: so you are say..i..n...(I had to kiss him to shut him up!)..g
Yes, I'm saying let's not define it until your step-dad arrives and you know what you are going to do with your life, so we are having a truce!

I won't rebound with Jovee, but I've to admit that the whole thing helped me in getting over Mr.B specially when I read that SMS from him last night 2 in the morning asking me where I'm! Sorry B, you are no longer appealing to me, not after I called and texted you few weeks ago and received null from you and now you are texting me after your penis woke up from the stocks crisis! DUH!

Would you pretend we're only friends if I kissed you?

In the National Cancer Institute, relaxing on one of the patients' beds, enjoying spying on the nurses' hilarious conversations, waiting for the doctor to arrive and teach us a new lousy practical lesson, craving for a cigarette, cursing the new "smoking" laws, listening to Madonna's get together, couldn't help but think about my friend Jovee!

A week ago, on the Fitr Feast's night I passed by my Leo/Virgo friend Jovee, parked my car under his building, jumped into his car, took his iPOD and prepared a playist to cope up with the drunk mood we'll be having later on, few minutes later and I was shopping for the night's drinks from Maadi's drinkies, he was driving, we were drinking, some people were watching, no one was commenting as it is so traditional in Egypt to drink on this night, he parked under one of his friends' building to get our suppy of hash and mix-up some drinks, we were in his friend's room, I extended on the bed, my head was on Jovee's laps, a joint in a hand, a drink in the other and getting wasted is on the waiting list!

We had to go, his friends went before us, I stood up, Jovee's face was inches away, he leaned toward me, I thought he wanted a friendly warm hug, I gave him one, he said that I misunderstood but it's okay anyway and was heading out of the room, I grabbed him and stamped a one hell of a kiss on his lips, my hands around his neck, playing with his fantabulous semi-long hair, he closed the lights and AC, it all lasted for few minutes, got back in his car, dazzled, irritated, confused and feeling weird but I put all of that aside, added Iio's kiss you on the previously prepared playlist and pressed PLAY!

Go to part two

Ice queer? Ah OUI!

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You are frozen
When your heart is not open

I always believe that we only appreciate things in our lives when they are gone and we always desperately crave for things we can't get or reach!
I miss being young and naive kid in my "Being Straight" coma/closet, I miss being honest and frank to my parents about a whole bunch of things, I miss my preparatory and high school era, my very close friends at that time who I used to treat as lovers and never found out an explanation for that weird attachment to them which proves to me everyday that I was born gay!

I miss those days when I came out to myself and started meeting up with guys though most of them were trashy and dragged me to the fugly and mentally challenged gay gatherings but I guess we all had to pass through that "new fish in gatherings' pool" phase!
I miss being less mature, innocent, know nothing about life and having very few things to fuck-up my brain with! I miss André my Italian guarding angel who I used to date during Grade 12, having my SATs and caring less about how do I look and what I should wear, miss running to his comforting warm hug whenever I dramatically fight with my parents, miss his capturing eyes and very relaxing cuddle..I just miss having him in my life, giving me the unique safe feeling that no guy ever managed to provide!

I miss those cheesy heart beats when I decided to come out to my close heterosexual friends, the very awkward male reaction, the very cheerful female reaction but they still love and am very thankful to have them in my life as they always help and support me through a lot of things cause they have a different non-gay point of view which made me see things from a different perspective.
I miss my grand parents and still can't enjoy any social occasion since they are gone, miss going to their place on the first day of holy feasts, hearing them blaming me for paying them rare visits....If only I had a time machine!

I miss my days with my ex.BF, miss being in a relationship, miss being between Mr.B's arms, miss tanning my ass out in front of the nile view of Hyatt's pool with "S" my LEO crush, miss being worshiped and desired by Taleeto my Saudi prince charming, miss being with Andy on bed having sex on the Romanian style making me explore my deepest fetishes and fantasies, miss being in jacuzzi of that actor's exotic apartment and surprisingly being so myself around him with great self-confidence....!
I miss being less social and not having many foreigner friends who are meant to leave my life one day and break my heart....Yes! the Ice Queen has feelings pumped from a cold heart chambers!

Anyway I feel like am 99 years old after writing all of that and for the record, happy belated birthday Ezzie!

Religious Fetish!

Almost 6am, blowing circles of smoke, enjoying the morning breeze alone, letting my thoughts go as far as my eyes-doing my best to get myself out of my mind's trap where i've been in lately-can see, foggy parts of Cairo appear down far away in the horizon, wondered about the huge real estate's renaissance in Egypt and if it did really solve housing problems or made our lives any easier...It's just made us less and less connected, I believe!

Earlier that day(politically incorrect statment, I know) I had to go to Sheraton Heliopolis area where I used to live most of my life in Egypt before I moved to a more centered & quiet area early this year, memories kept haunting me as usual, my childhood, vague slideshow of guys I brought to my home, my ex.BF, my primary school, my summer activities in that big & famous mosque, my orientation confusion/denial, my bicycle trips around Heliopolis, my first car drive, my first cigarette, my very first sexual talks/information, my trivial childish dreams....!
The Taraweeh prayers' traffic jam was getting on my nerves, the whole street was occupied by immobile cars, I thought of looking around to get busy with anything interesting and entertaining until I found my all the times entertainment "Eye candy"!

There was something about the guy in the front car, he appeard good-looking to me through his relfection on his side mirrors, he was searching for a park lot and So did I! I was bored and there was nothing to do as it's so crowded so I found it very erotic to just follow a car plate with a sexy face!..... He parked, I pulled over, a very well-built handsome gentleman stepped out of the car with a trendy classic shirt unbuttoned(major turn ON!) showing a very nice hairy chest, a miswak in his mouth, very tall and with shortened jeans slack!

I heard him talking with his friends about Amr Khaled's latest episode so I knew that he is one of the "Amr Khaled" fucked-up youth generation, wearing trendy clothes, trying to be/fit in the "cool open-minded" religious updated modern Muslim with the fake but sexy peacful look on his face and when he gets so naughty, he talks with with his friends about Haifa Wehbe's latest clip and before they leave they all say/spell together the concluding council prayer so that God may forgive the OMG-huge-sin they just committed!

I always had a thing for this type of religious guys, a fetish, a sick one if you say so. But it appeals very sexy to me, I feel like I'm satan when I seduce the gay breed of them, like as if I'm Adam's apple! It's something I neither know how to describe nor explain!

If only he understands my lust-licious glances and reciprocates with my vibes! Will he be great on bed? Does he believe that doing me very hard will be transcripted in his mind as a victory of Islam against Satan like how the previous one secretly believed? I also wondered why most of them are in great body shape? Are they preparing themselves for Jihad against Islam's enemies? or they think that they will be better representing Islam and defending it with a fighter body? God! he's too hot & trendy to be the S word! His fashion taste, his hand gestures, his eyes, I always believe in my gay radar! He can't be Straight! Poor him! How many years it will take him to get out of the closet, denial & confusion? A light year? A great brain wash from first-fuck-first-love guy?

I lit a cigarette, watched him disappearing in the crowd, met my friends, got back home, checked if my great fetish is included in our notorious dating sites' fetish list and had a desperate vulnerable hope to find him one day popping up as new profile with no picture on those sites!

Pansexuality should be the Future's label!

Gay, bisexual, straight, Bi-curious, gay in denial, straight acting & looking(yeah RIGHT!), top/positive, bottom/negative, both/versatile, both more top, both more bottom, master, slave, dog....too much labels, no?

I couldn't help but wonder what did we benefit from all these labels?!....more & more confusion, I believe!

I don't know why gay people care so much about sexual labels more than non-gay people?! Why fun should be defined in one or two terms? It really triggers my nerves when someone asks me about my role! If you are top then fine, I'll be pure bottom for you and vice versa! It is not a big deal! Life is too short to fill it up with confusion/illusion well cooked by your own fucked-up brain to curse yourself and people around you! You should enjoy every microsecond of your life to the fullest as you can never know what tomorrow is hiding for you! You could get your soul mugged out of you!

I believe that the person who came up with the "pansexuality" term had such a huge zest for life, like the zest of Santa Clause on Prozac getting laid in Disney land!

Pansexuality should be the future's label so that there won't be more fuss, confusion, issues, guiltiness, regret and the list continues! Don't you agree that we will live happily ever after if everyone cared less about those bureaucratic labels?!