Magic Mirror on the Wall, Who is the fairest one of all?

My last session with my shrink was kinda interesting, he said that I've dual personalities; a person who is very successful, smart, COLD, very self-confident, perfectionist and has OCD..etc and another person who lays very deep under the surface who is searching for something, seeking to better know himself and life; who is so into psychology, dreams(literally), astrology, body language, religions, after life and could easily get furious!
I couldn't help but wonder; Which one truly am I? How much do our interests tell about us? Do I've only dual personalities? Will I develop multiple personalities disorder in the future or bipolar maybe?!
But I believe he is wrong, am the same person in both personalities; I love my life yet I'm very curious about what happens after we die, I'm very self-confident yet I care about how others perceive me & my body language, I'm smart yet I believe in star signs & astrology, I've OCD yet I always want an explanation for what I dream about and call anyone I dream about, I'm agnostic yet I've moderate religious parents! Yes, I'm all of that in one....!

And speaking of my shrink, I won't trust him anymore; he told my parents that I don't have any motive to "undo" my homosexuality! Yes, I'm very aware that no matter what he says or does, he still indirectly wants me to be heterosexual, but I just don't get it; how come he wants me to be a heterosexual and in the very same time he wants me to have a boyfriend and be in a healthy relationship!
So I'll manipulate everyone of them! I'll be the son every parent wishes to have; I'll pray & attend religion classes, I'll do sports and be such an obedient son. And I'll totally convince my shrink that I want to change and got bored of my gay life so everyone will be happy although I know that I'll put my double-life to the max by doing all of that, but I don't care, I just won't allow anyone to screw up my life and how I want to live PERIOD

Me & my possessive side, have you two met before?

Thursday night, sipping my cappuccino in my favourite cafe, blowing some smoke circles, chatting with some friends and checking some websites to pass the time until I decide which "going-out" plan that would suit me the most. Time passed and there isn't any one of my friends who came up with any interesting plan and before I knew it; an international number was vibrating my mobile and the light effects reflected on my ear to ear smile, I didn't immediately recognize the voice, he said that we met long time ago at Harry's pub and that I was with a girl friend of mine, but I finally recognized him when he said his facebook name, he is "Bash" a late 20-something years old successful Saudi bourgeois!
So I changed my plans from going out with fellas to blowing a phallus; it was a call in the perfect timing, I already had no interesting plans yet and my last time sex with almost 3 weeks ago!

One hour later, his room's door opened and I was greeted by a very sexy figure, just about my type; The sexy tanned defined body, the skin head, the edible lips, the nicely haired chest and the dirty beard and a while later he developed a tent in his pants that scout boys could have camped there!
Sex was obviously great and I enjoyed his company over dinner at that cosy Marriott's Royce restaurant, we talked about past, present and future; the mutual friends we've, our interests, his career of advertising and I couldn't resist telling him about my blog when he told me about his book! I usually don't talk about my blog with anyone who would be a potential material that could be blogged about! So I thought that he could be my plus one for the next day's big Birthday party of my friend "Mohinder", he fits in that criteria; he has interesting personality and sexy looks!

Friday night, Me, Bash & my LEO Jordanian friend were waiting in front of Mohinder's BF's dublex apartment with me having spasmed calves & back and severe headache from the too much standing and exposure to sun in the afternoon in Korba's carnival(aka my TESTERONE carnival!) with my very sweet friend "Iten"!
I made an entrance, greeted my friends, went upstairs to change to my beach wear as it was the party's theme and I couldn't wait to see Mohinder's facial expression when he opens my gift which was a whore version of Barbie Doll!
Bash kept my company while I was fixing myself a drink to ease the pain and the headache, I then introduced him to most of my friends, we moved along with the music and I kept his company for almost all the time because he doesn't know anyone so I definitely don't want him to feel cast-ed away. Few minutes later many guys arrived and some of them were trying to hit on Bash, I don't know why but I was mad at them though it has nothing to do with neither him nor them, it's perfectly fine that guys would hit on him and he responds; he is in town for few days and he needs some fun, but at that moment I really felt the possessive side of me so clear and obvious! I know that I shouldn't act that way, we are not even dating and we won't because he's a traveller, so I really disliked my possessive nature that night and it screwed my mood when I left the party!

He left around 1:30 and he didn't let me walk him to the door as he's already leaving with that trashy American guy, so I kissed him goodbye, fixed myself a 4th drink and headed to the dance floor to shake the stress away or let me rephrase it; to "bash" the "possess" away and the disco ball's rays diverse-d it away indeed!

So here I am, back home with an irremovable birthday stamp on my hip bone, typing this and thinking about that sexy guy who figured out that I'm the owner of this blog when I told him my Moroccan name(Nordine, the one I use on the blog), he kept gushing about my blog, I was flattered but I freaked out because I felt naked with all my stories in front of a total stranger!
Anyway I'd meet Bash again but I'm sure going to read his autographed book edition in the next days!

Life smiles again!

My father just got me a new laptop! I'm so fucking happy, u've no idea! It's like one of the greatest things that could happen/ed to me this year!

It's silly that you only see life beautiful when you are happy; I got so happy for my friend "Native" for losing 7KG of fats(not that he was really fat anyway) and working out really hard to get in the fabulous body shape we all dream about! I also got very happy for my "Spectacular" friend for dating "the one" and getting head over heels, he needed someone like the guy he's dating aka his future boyfriend because unfortunately Spectacular is a kind of guy that gets SO motivated and optimistic when he is in a relationship so you can imagine how much he's over the moon now with someone that perfect!

That's the first post to be posted from my brand new laptop! =)

There's always a butt!

"Just stop seeing the person that I've been and start seeing the person I
could be. Look at me, not the Edie that I show the world. In fact - let's
lose her. Forget the blouse that she wears because she knows it shows off
her cleavage. And the skirt that's so short, because she knows that guys
love long legs. And the heels, the ones that make her legs look even longer.
Forget the bra that holds her breasts a little higher than they are on their
own these days. And the panties, the ones that hide the scar from my
c-section. This is it. Hi, Carlos. I'm Edie. I might not be the woman that
you thought I was under all of that but I'm real, and I'm here. And I'm
asking for a chance."
Edie - a desperate housewife

It's been a while since I last wrote anything, lots of things were happening lately that I wanted to write about but I ended up writing nothing with no significant reason like S's Black & White fabulous party which was full of in-closet guys, Echo's housewarming party that was literally a FISH party packed up with lots of Lesbians, my sister's future fiancé & my forbidden lust, my sexy colleague who truely represents our homoerotic culture; giving me "hard" time in elevators & living up to my homoerotic high school teenaging hormones that I've never experimented!
Yet, I couldn't resist writing about three particular guys who "popped up" in my life lately.

Addy, a 26 years old South African Indian guy who was raised in London of a Business tycoon father & a designer mother, very sexy looking, very impressive personality & a career that is highlighted by building-up himself without his parents' help or interference , bottom line; a very successful good looking fashionista.
I've been chatting with him for so long but we couldn't meet because he partially lives in Egypt and not even in Cairo, so I got so excited when he told me last April that he'll be visiting Cairo for few days and the next thing I knew, we were having dinnger at Sequoia over the spring nile view!
He really knew how to arouse my interest and hold it, how to move from a point to another and from a topic to another, how to impress me with unsual things...etc I so wanted him to be my plus one for S's B&W party, so I invited him and passed by his hotel in the next day to pick up with him what he would wear for the party, had few drinks before we go and 30 minutes later we were passing through the black & white curtains to ring the villa's bell, got myself comfortable with having many familiar faces around, fixed myself a bacardi(my fav!) so I can quickly get into the mood, then we danced together and the rest is history!
Next day, I went to his room in the afternoon, had long talks, cuddled, had sex and actually cuddled again(so not me lol)! The sex was amazing(I do LOVE Scorpios on bed) but it wasn't about the sex, it was about the moment after; when the world stopped & I felt safe and secured!

But, he is partially living in Red Sea, spends most of the year in South Africa, so it is not going to work out no matter how much I like him!

José, a 28 years old Spanish Coloumbian guy working in Lodon, we met two weeks ago in Sofitel Gezirah's nile garden over 2 Michelle's Roses drink, he surprised me by how quickly and intensely I got comfortable around him, I met him with the intent of having just a one night stand but little Did I know that I'll instantly like him and spend more than 6 hours with him; we talked about everything from politics to gay lifestyles in different countries...too much clicking for me with a Taurean guy!
A while later, we went to his room, my dick went from being as soft as cocoon to as hard as a nuclear warhead, I was getting naked without breaking up our kiss, got captured by his looks; the thick pitch black eye brows, pools of dark brown for eyes and a treasure tail that would make a pirate jealous! whoever said that Spanish guys are great on bed is a big fat psychic! The sex was mind-blowing, I didn't see that coming, it was the best sex I've had in months and I'm not exaggerating!
We then showered together, wanted to complain to the hotel management about the tiny bath tabs despite the great renovations they did to the whole building, orderd dinner to the room, watched a movie on TV together and then I had to give him some sleep before his early morning London flight!

I liked him so much, he has the whole package of my dream man, but he lives in London and he only comes to Cairo two times a year!

K! over & over! He is back to Cairo for a short notice before he travels to his next destination, I've met him few times in that small vacation but they were too intense to maybe equal to the other times I saw him in the past 2 years altogether!
I got bored of the whole "unlabeling" pahse were in for so long, I thought it's about time to end the "being casual" thing and confront him with what has been stored on my mind in a dusty corner! I told him what I don't like about him; that he's always busy with his too many friends, that he rarely takes any move and that he doesn't express his emotions or what's on his mind thought I totally understand the latter two as it is a Scorpio nature but I just couldn't tolerate it anymore, I really like him so much, I want to be with him and I can see a future for us together though it is weird for me say that about someone I've not slept with yet!
Back in the past when we first met, I knew he liked me and I was the total bitch I'm but now it has got reversed and he is not sure If he still has those old feelings deep inside or not! I sensed that he has a lot to say but can't express it so I requested him to write down everything he wanna say and I'll wait for that message!

He has probably arrived to his destination while I'm typing this, I know that he'll read this post & freak out but I don't care, I steamed ou what I wanted to say and I'll be waiting for him when he comes back on August because he's worth it & he made me pass through things that I haven't experminted in a LONG time; I was that close to shut down my profile in all the gay dating websites!

Phew! such a long post!

Thou hast the keys of Paradise; Oh, just sex and mighty cocaine!

Thursday 1AM, in a bar in Maadi with some friends, chitchatting with them, sipping my drink, heard my mobile pronouncing a ringtone that it hadn't play long time ago, I grabbed it, inhaled my Kent6 and read Mr.B's message "Do u wanna fuck", I wasn't surprised as I was expecting that kind of message from him after his tragic float on my life's surface back again and while putting my phone back on the table, the ringtone played again so I quickly read his message "Ill kiss", I got strayed with my emotions and thoughts; is he that desperate? When has sex became a deal for him, that he has to give up something in return so he can seal the deal?! Do I really feel like seeing him again anyway?!!
I didn't reply and I let go the whole dilemma but I told one of my friends(and also a dear blog reader) about it, so he told me "If you are emotionally fragile these days, then don't go!"..I just smiled and knew that I wouldn't be able to explain myself(don't have the energy to do that already) and it is not about emotions for starters!

1:30AM, the waiter kindly asked if we want to order anything as it's the last order, so we ordered the cheque and my "ID/It" started to order my "Super-ego" to let go!
So we left and I texted "B" informing him that I'm coming only If it is going to be GREAT sex as I'll drive all the distance from Maadi to Nasr City and back to Maadi again!

2:00AM, waiting in front of his apartment, the door slowely opened and the same figure that I saw last time was standing there; nothing changed about his body shape, attitude or life style, his mother's TV is still on in her room as usual. His room is still pretty much the same; clothes randomly everywhere, Heineken cans all over the space, joints & cigs left-overs, some Economy books and the laptop is on as usual!
I sat down in my everytime's exact part of the couch, lit one of the joints, he was still silent, I wondered why he didn't lock the door, he told me that he is waiting for his dealer to come by so he'll lock it after, I looked at the joint between my long fingers and the ones on the table, so I quickly asked why don't you score tomorrow instead of scoring that late and get risky?! He smiled and said that he is waiting his other stuff's dealer! I put a wicked fake grin on my face and heard a voice deep inside me saying "Shit! He's back on track crack!"....So I quickly dropped the subject and we then talked about some general stuff and what we've been up to...etc

2:15AM, he scored and got back to the room with a white stuff in his hand grip and not on a white horse as my slightly stoned imagination was sarcastically drawing(when you smoke herbs, it reveals you to yourself!), he sat by his desk and started fixing the powder to shortly make the lines, I approached and watched him in excitement as it's my first time ever to witness such a thing, I loved watching what he's doing; liked the ceremony, the ritual of preparing cocaine as much as watching him doing it. I got so tempted to try it, I felt like a kid in front of a jar of candies, I was afraid, curious, excited and thrilled, all in the same time!
I couldn't hold the gulp forming in my throat anymore so I spat it out "B, Can I try? What does coke make you feel?" He went explaining the whole difference between coke and hash but I wasn't listening as much as I was listening to my "It/ID"!
So I ended up sniffing my first line; when it snows in your nose and you catch cold in your brain!

We got back to the couch, making out, eventually got naked and I was surprisingly enjoying every moment of it! He wanted to sniff another line and I couldn't agree more, he fixed a small line for me, I bent over the desk to sniff it, he became behind my back and hold me tightly..it was SO erotic! I donno why I got fucking turned on by his move! Is it the "taboo" feeling? as I felt the same feeling when I first had sex!

Anyway I didn't like cocaine that much, donno if it is because I was already stoned or because I got trapped in my mind with various thoughts..coke truely magnifies your personality!
I just didn't like to escape my reality this way, perhaps we are all refugees from something, but I wouldn't need coke to make me see that there is nothing to fear. that the world we hold into, the lives we cherish, are a part of something greater, something more....something I can't see clearly!
Am I making any sense?!

One straight diet & a family combo plz!

*Hello
-Good Afternoon sir, thank you for calling pseudo-hetero restaurants, How can I help you today?
*Hmm..I donno, I'm confused what to order.
-Would you like to have something cold & vicious or something warm & happily ever after?
*I've been ordering the cold & vicious mealls from pseudo-homo, your sister restaurant, for the past years so I guess I'm done with it and will take the warm & happily ever after meal for change!
-Perfect choice sir, let me revise the order with you plz.
*Sure!
-You've ordered one straight diet and one family combo.
*Yes.
-Do you want some extra children with the order?
*No, thanks.
-Okay sir, that will cost you all your gay friends, your gay life and identity.
*Okay, no problems.
-30 minutes and your illusion, ehem sorry your order will be delivered, thank you for calling pseudo-hetero restaurants and waiting for your next call.
*Welcome, bye.

I've nothing to say after what I've heard last night! I never saw it coming! I'd have believed it if they told me that my sister became lesbian but would never believe it if they told me that my LEO Jordanian friend became straight!!!1!

Few days after not answering my calls or SMSs, he switched his mobile off! but oh, to be fair, he picked up one time & immediately hang up when he heard my voice!...I didn't give it much thinking in the beginning as I thought maybe he's busy or something, until I bumped into a mutual friend's status on FB and found that he likes her status so I thought of checking his news feed but little did I know that he fucking removed me from his list!!
I quickly texted my friend "S." & explained the situation wondering if he knows anything about him, so he checked and found that he removed ALL of his gay friends and gay acquaintances from his friend list. I instantly sent him a msg on FB checking on him and wondering about what's going on and I also sent the same msg to our mutual friend(the one with the status):
Me: Hey sweety, hru? [My friend's name] removed me frm fb and doesnt answer my calls =S do u know anything abt him or y he did that? =(
Her: he did that with all the gays ..he became straight now and he is dating a very very beautiful gurl and he is going to marry her..i hope u do the same aswell :_)
Me: Interesting!
Where [his BF name] go? Did he become str8 cuz they broke up masalan? =S
Mesh 3aref ya [her name] bass el mawdou3 gharib ya3ni, it cant happen in one night!
Thx dear 4 replying =*
Her: no he left him and decided to be str8 to be able to live in this life and make a family
Me: I know dear that enti malkish zanb 2 tell u so, but plz tell him that i wish him the best in whatever he chose and i need at least 2 meet him 4 the last time 4 the sake of the friendship we once had! I don't even deserve a good bye?!!
Her: u cant meet him ya [my name] at least not now his mom is in egypt
Me: Eb2i khaleeh yekalemni tayeb =S

So C'est tout?! That's all I get? No bloody explanation? If I went to his apartment, would he close the door in front of me?!...I'm so disappointed, we shared a lot together and he already passed the whole "Sexuality confusion" phase LONG time ago! But still, If he chose to be the S word, why would he cast me away of his life in a blink of an eye like that?!! Was our sexual orientation the only only thing we had in common?! OMG!
I know that the gay scene and society in Egypt is not encouraging at all, but If you get fed up with it, you just leave the country or stop meeting guys or whatever!

But NO, I won't surrender, I'll go to his apartment, I'll do my best to get his ex.BF's contacts and call him! I SHOULD MEET HIM! and I deserve at least a fucking goodbye!

I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!

I'm not being myself lately, I feel strayed, I started to catch the symptoms of having a psychiatric therapy, It started screwing up my brain; making me question my believes, my codes, my thoughts, my concepts...everything. Making me see the whole picture and the tiny details of my life that I unintentionally disregarded. Making me DOUBT everything(and Leos r the best in that!)!!

I started to dislike my relation with my mother more(and eventually hating my mother herself), hating my father's passiveness, becoming pessimistic, boring me of my god damn cold nature, pointing at every flaw in me and my life...I just can't take it anymore, I don't want to continue the therapy, I don't think I need it but I already trapped myself, I can't go back now, I'm scared to confront my parents with that, scared of the consequences and don't want to disturb the somehow peaceful balance I made after the dilemma of being out of parents' closet!

I couldn't do my assignment of writing down my everyday's different emotion, I already embraced the fact that am an emotionless cold natured bitch long time ago and I don't need a daily reminder of that fact.....I just can't do it.

I'm on the edge of falling into a severe depression and little did I know that it's the ironically perfect timing for Mr.B to appear in my life back again as If I need more corruption in my system!

P.S: this blog may so soon shutdown due to the hateful daily reminder that I ran out of interesting men to write about!