Have you ever silently in the crowd looked at your family members or your colleagues or your people in general and thought that you don't belong to them(and not cuz i'm homo)? to this place? to this society? this country? this life?! That you utterly don't/can't fit in and you are not appreciated enough?
Do you always get provoked by their opinions, their thoughts, their double standards, their prejudice to what you are going to say or trying to explain and simply they don't get your jokes & neither you do?!
How many times you tried to adapt and failed? How hard did you try? How often do you rethink if is it all worth any effort? Would that make you feel lonely?! Is that what am going through and causing my loneliness sometimes? Am I really lonely?! Was my shrink's impression/diagnosis last session right? That I'm lonely and miserable?! Would my claimed acute promiscuous life style indirectly induce that? Am I that promiscuous to begin with(he wants me to take a sex addiction test lol)?!
I've recently been considering to only sleep with guys that I'd be seeing or dating & to reduce/stop the random sex, my shrink affirmed that too(Gee! I just said "My shrink said.."!!)...but is it really true that I'd find love if I did that? less thinking about sex will restore thinking about finding love or at least will achieve some balance between the two powers/desires?! Shall I surrender and give up my concept that love should find my way and not vice versa?
And If all of that came true & miracle happened, can I maintain a relationship? With all my committment issues and my unindependent life?! Where is prince charming aslan(if he exists)?! There is only prince harming PERIOD.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Random Thoughts
I've been so bored recently and strayed with my thoughts. Random ones about life, friends, future and many other things, my life became so routine these days; college in the morning then having a nap at home then watching TV or playing on the PC then the day repeats itself all over again in the next day until the weekend when I hang out with friends but even going out became so boring; there is no where new to go to, nothing new to do, it's either private home parties or this bar or that restaurant!
I really need a break and TRAVEL, seeing new faces, changing the scene, being laid back from home and stress...just nothing to inhibit me. Only me, the sea & fresh air, but I can't even have that; I'll have to tell more and more new lies to my mother and even if I told her the perfect lie(which I easily do lol), I'll be worried about the suspicions that are going on in her mind now after she knew about me...shall I ask my therapist to help me out with that?
Speaking of therapy, I've been diagnosed that I suffer from loneliness, lack of emotional expression(or more specifically, choosing not to), getting around my problems by avoiding to confront or argue & doing what I want in the end via the wrong path, huge rebelling & furious energy trapped inside me behind the curtain of my calming cold nature & mask-like face.
Well, it is true on many levels and it made me discover myself more & more although I disagree about some points.
I'm really loving the therapy, I look forward to every week's session and enjoy talking with my therapist, but have I became a case study? A guy from reuters contacted me months ago to get some information, I've been interviewed by a friend of mine for her masters about the gay community in Egypt(the first big research about that in Egypt & Middle East), I've also been interviewed by a blog reader for her school research, and now another friend wants me to be his case study for his anthropology PHD which is more about homosexuality in Egypt!
I really like to speak out and try to change the tragic stereotype in Egypt about homosexuals but is it that worth it? Has homosexuality became the "It" topic nowadays with the rareness of guys who would speak out(my friend got very disappointed in many guys who refused to speak although they know her very well especially that she has been in the gay scene for 2 years before starting the field work!)?!
Alexandrie anyone?
I really need a break and TRAVEL, seeing new faces, changing the scene, being laid back from home and stress...just nothing to inhibit me. Only me, the sea & fresh air, but I can't even have that; I'll have to tell more and more new lies to my mother and even if I told her the perfect lie(which I easily do lol), I'll be worried about the suspicions that are going on in her mind now after she knew about me...shall I ask my therapist to help me out with that?
Speaking of therapy, I've been diagnosed that I suffer from loneliness, lack of emotional expression(or more specifically, choosing not to), getting around my problems by avoiding to confront or argue & doing what I want in the end via the wrong path, huge rebelling & furious energy trapped inside me behind the curtain of my calming cold nature & mask-like face.
Well, it is true on many levels and it made me discover myself more & more although I disagree about some points.
I'm really loving the therapy, I look forward to every week's session and enjoy talking with my therapist, but have I became a case study? A guy from reuters contacted me months ago to get some information, I've been interviewed by a friend of mine for her masters about the gay community in Egypt(the first big research about that in Egypt & Middle East), I've also been interviewed by a blog reader for her school research, and now another friend wants me to be his case study for his anthropology PHD which is more about homosexuality in Egypt!
I really like to speak out and try to change the tragic stereotype in Egypt about homosexuals but is it that worth it? Has homosexuality became the "It" topic nowadays with the rareness of guys who would speak out(my friend got very disappointed in many guys who refused to speak although they know her very well especially that she has been in the gay scene for 2 years before starting the field work!)?!
Alexandrie anyone?
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