Ice queer? Ah OUI!

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You are frozen
When your heart is not open

I always believe that we only appreciate things in our lives when they are gone and we always desperately crave for things we can't get or reach!
I miss being young and naive kid in my "Being Straight" coma/closet, I miss being honest and frank to my parents about a whole bunch of things, I miss my preparatory and high school era, my very close friends at that time who I used to treat as lovers and never found out an explanation for that weird attachment to them which proves to me everyday that I was born gay!

I miss those days when I came out to myself and started meeting up with guys though most of them were trashy and dragged me to the fugly and mentally challenged gay gatherings but I guess we all had to pass through that "new fish in gatherings' pool" phase!
I miss being less mature, innocent, know nothing about life and having very few things to fuck-up my brain with! I miss André my Italian guarding angel who I used to date during Grade 12, having my SATs and caring less about how do I look and what I should wear, miss running to his comforting warm hug whenever I dramatically fight with my parents, miss his capturing eyes and very relaxing cuddle..I just miss having him in my life, giving me the unique safe feeling that no guy ever managed to provide!

I miss those cheesy heart beats when I decided to come out to my close heterosexual friends, the very awkward male reaction, the very cheerful female reaction but they still love and am very thankful to have them in my life as they always help and support me through a lot of things cause they have a different non-gay point of view which made me see things from a different perspective.
I miss my grand parents and still can't enjoy any social occasion since they are gone, miss going to their place on the first day of holy feasts, hearing them blaming me for paying them rare visits....If only I had a time machine!

I miss my days with my ex.BF, miss being in a relationship, miss being between Mr.B's arms, miss tanning my ass out in front of the nile view of Hyatt's pool with "S" my LEO crush, miss being worshiped and desired by Taleeto my Saudi prince charming, miss being with Andy on bed having sex on the Romanian style making me explore my deepest fetishes and fantasies, miss being in jacuzzi of that actor's exotic apartment and surprisingly being so myself around him with great self-confidence....!
I miss being less social and not having many foreigner friends who are meant to leave my life one day and break my heart....Yes! the Ice Queen has feelings pumped from a cold heart chambers!

Anyway I feel like am 99 years old after writing all of that and for the record, happy belated birthday Ezzie!

Religious Fetish!

Almost 6am, blowing circles of smoke, enjoying the morning breeze alone, letting my thoughts go as far as my eyes-doing my best to get myself out of my mind's trap where i've been in lately-can see, foggy parts of Cairo appear down far away in the horizon, wondered about the huge real estate's renaissance in Egypt and if it did really solve housing problems or made our lives any easier...It's just made us less and less connected, I believe!

Earlier that day(politically incorrect statment, I know) I had to go to Sheraton Heliopolis area where I used to live most of my life in Egypt before I moved to a more centered & quiet area early this year, memories kept haunting me as usual, my childhood, vague slideshow of guys I brought to my home, my ex.BF, my primary school, my summer activities in that big & famous mosque, my orientation confusion/denial, my bicycle trips around Heliopolis, my first car drive, my first cigarette, my very first sexual talks/information, my trivial childish dreams....!
The Taraweeh prayers' traffic jam was getting on my nerves, the whole street was occupied by immobile cars, I thought of looking around to get busy with anything interesting and entertaining until I found my all the times entertainment "Eye candy"!

There was something about the guy in the front car, he appeard good-looking to me through his relfection on his side mirrors, he was searching for a park lot and So did I! I was bored and there was nothing to do as it's so crowded so I found it very erotic to just follow a car plate with a sexy face!..... He parked, I pulled over, a very well-built handsome gentleman stepped out of the car with a trendy classic shirt unbuttoned(major turn ON!) showing a very nice hairy chest, a miswak in his mouth, very tall and with shortened jeans slack!

I heard him talking with his friends about Amr Khaled's latest episode so I knew that he is one of the "Amr Khaled" fucked-up youth generation, wearing trendy clothes, trying to be/fit in the "cool open-minded" religious updated modern Muslim with the fake but sexy peacful look on his face and when he gets so naughty, he talks with with his friends about Haifa Wehbe's latest clip and before they leave they all say/spell together the concluding council prayer so that God may forgive the OMG-huge-sin they just committed!

I always had a thing for this type of religious guys, a fetish, a sick one if you say so. But it appeals very sexy to me, I feel like I'm satan when I seduce the gay breed of them, like as if I'm Adam's apple! It's something I neither know how to describe nor explain!

If only he understands my lust-licious glances and reciprocates with my vibes! Will he be great on bed? Does he believe that doing me very hard will be transcripted in his mind as a victory of Islam against Satan like how the previous one secretly believed? I also wondered why most of them are in great body shape? Are they preparing themselves for Jihad against Islam's enemies? or they think that they will be better representing Islam and defending it with a fighter body? God! he's too hot & trendy to be the S word! His fashion taste, his hand gestures, his eyes, I always believe in my gay radar! He can't be Straight! Poor him! How many years it will take him to get out of the closet, denial & confusion? A light year? A great brain wash from first-fuck-first-love guy?

I lit a cigarette, watched him disappearing in the crowd, met my friends, got back home, checked if my great fetish is included in our notorious dating sites' fetish list and had a desperate vulnerable hope to find him one day popping up as new profile with no picture on those sites!