Another Crap!

It's been almost a month since I last spoke with Ezzie and 2 weeks since I last spoke with my only Taurean friend or let me call him A.I, he's Ezzie's best friend since ages, 2 weeks ago I called him few times and he didn't pick up or return my calls, I thought that maybe he's busy blowing someone or something, few days later I read on his Facebook profile that he has a broken elbow, I got worried so I called him but he didn't pick up, so at that moment I felt that something is not right! I texted him to wish him a rapid recovery but still no sign of life from him....
Another abandonment, another disappointment...another crap! It's reached a level of untagging me from some pictures on Facebook! I didn't comment and never will! I never doubted that he could be that childish! He's 30 god damn years old for fuck's sake! I still don't know their reasons behind all of this drama....

I'm very confused, shall I move on? I deserve an explanation but is it worth waiting for? Shall I wait and see where this is going to or it is simply the end? Some incidences like this happened before between them and other common friends, they fight and get back together after some time but shall I accept that? Accept them again if they seeked acceptance?

It's just I'm in a very bad phase right now, I've only 2 best gay friend left but one is living in Alexandria and the other had left the country for good last summer! They are priceless, they complete me, they are really true friends, they always make me feel that there is something missing whenever I try to fit in another group of firneds! even with Ezzie and A.I group, there was still something missing! I wish the trio of us were living in one place, a big lier who said that the internet/phone calls make the world a small village but unfortunately that's the only available choice for us to communicate and it's satisfying a bit!
So now I should either try to fit in Jovee's gang or go through the whole exhausting process of making new friends but I can't do neither this nor that! the more I get closer to Jovee's gang, the more I can't fit in, I feel that they are immature somehow(I never had gay friends who are around my age, they are usually 3-5 years older at least), you know when you feel that you are not getting the expected center of attention or appreciation? I donno how to explain it but I just feel it....again there is something missing! and speaking of Jovee, the more I deal with him without having any agenda, the more I figure out that I was so blind not to see that his paradise is not for me! Touché Madonna!

Bottom line; I will only concentrate on my studies(my finals are pretty soon) and use all my unleashed energy in working out until further notice!

Reconsidering!

....Cleaning up my mobile messages, deleting messages about things that I don't want to remember, keeping ones that always make me smile, stopped at that message I sent to Ezzie on his birthday, I just couldn't erase it though it made me feel very sad inside, I know that I'm never sweet to anyone by nature, I've a mask-like face, icy blooded and nothing at all really matters to me, that's me! Can't help it! But I'm always sweet to people I care about, they will always matter to me, it's a high voltage sin for me to upset them! It's just I don't comprehend why he is abandoning me?! I didn't do anything bitchy to him to deserve that, on the contrary I'm the one who has all the right at his side to abandon him, I'm not blaming him for not showing up at my birthday party as he was recovering from his inflammated tonsils, but I'm pretty blaming him for not calling or even texting me ever since!

So YES, I'm abandoning him until further notice!
Shall I reconsider our friendship too?


....Thursday night, at some pub with Jovee and some friends, Jovee telling me about his last date, I asked the waiter for another drink and one drink leads to another, he kept telling me how sweet the date is, how good looking he is, how they do match, bla bla bla...I left him with my aha-interesting-happy 4u responses and told him in the end never to wear rayé on rayé again! you look like a hideous zebra!

OUI! C'est la fin! no more physical interaction with Jovee and from now he no longer exists on my "To be dated" list! Enough with young guys! C'est vraiment trop!


....Human beings are designed for many things, but loneliness is not one of them! So shall I reconsider making a family? Does the idea of ending-up alone and childless really terrify me?! Shall I reconsider my suicide's zero hour and make it pre-40?
Most of healthy marriages last for few years but they continue the devastating dysfunctional marriage for the sake of their children or any other stupid precious reason, Do I want to be part of this drama? Being responsible about the impact of my mistakes on my wife or my kids? I guess I won't be able to do it! I know myself, I'm selfish and self-centered bitch that hate to carry any other responsibilities than mine!

....I'm a secretive guy but lately I'm steaming out more via writing than talking with friends!
Will I be uncapable of expressing myself or confronting others on the long run?
Shall I reconsider blogging?

Sans titre!

Scène une:
....Thursday, 10PM, waiting my guests in front of Cairo Jazz Club, called Ezzie, his mobile is switched off(and he didn't call me back until typing this post), called my crazy artistic pisces friend, he is on the way, called my only taurean friend, he's got stuck in the corridor's accident, called my female folks, they can't make it, so I had to cancel my reservation as they wouldn't break the "Couples only" lame rule, my pisces friend arrived, we took the cake, went to his place and had a very small birthday party, me, him, my taurean friend and my dear Alexandrian friend! very unexpected! Is it Jovee's curse? Should I have expected less than my last year's huge party? 2008 is proving day after day that it's such a bitch to me!
1:30AM, I was home, can't open my eye lids because of the pain caused by my seem-expired eye contacts, took them off my literally bloody eyes by a miracle and slept!

Scène deux:
....Friday, 12AM, bumping into a Halloween party at Zamalek, the very same building where my ex.Fuck buddy lives, couldn't help but wonder if it's such a small or world or I'm a big whore?!
The usual gay faces of every party but in addition to the hetero Egyptian bourgeoisies and the hetero foreigners!
I was already drunk as I had two vodka drinks with the guys, Jovee, Zayneb(he is not feminine but I love this nickname of him as much as I hate his guts!), S. , my Jordanian LEO friend and the "Charlotte" of the group, Jovee fixed me a whiskey soda drink, we danced, the DJ's music wasn't that bad, I checked out some guys and played my favourite solo game "Gay, Pas gay et too ugly to be gay", my ears couldn't bare the very loud music anymore, had a side talk outside on the stairs with that XL-ed guy I'm chatting with and saw in two previous parties, got back inside, mingled, my lovely LEO friend introduced me to some guys he knows then I had to go as I've got a curfew(Yes! all of that and I've over-protective parents!), I saluted the guys, kissed Jovee on the cheeks, he grabbed me and stamped a kiss on my lips right in front of everyone! I put my hand around his neck, continued the kiss and played with his hair!
Later on after the kiss, some guys hit on me and made their intro then my LEO friend walked me down, hailed for a cab and asked me to call him as soon as I arrive home.

Scenes worth laughing at:
- S. made out with my Leo friend in the nile view terrace also in front of everyone!
- Zayneb was doing his best to grab attention but his dancing was more of 3ageen El Falla7a(the dance of female farmers)!
- Someone was being over-friendly with me for 2 parties in a row!
- Me dropping my drink on my new pullover while dancing, thanks to Zayneb's famous envious eye!
- S.'s tongue cat fight with the host after his exposé in the terrace, the fight was ended by a kiss on her hand!!