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All the names that are mentioned in my posts are totally fake but they are related in a way to the real person's identity, so you do the maths!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Why is it that we see what we want to believe when we don't believe what we see?

I'm really bored of my whole mommy-issues-boy, it's really wearisome and exhausting. I'm 21 years old now, will graduate in less than a year and become fully independent but I still fight with my mother over curfew! It's unbelievable, and it gets worse when you watch the failure of all your pseudo-succeeded attempts to build bridges, bond, be good, and understand! Sometimes I feel that my psychobabble attempts at bonding is pathetic but I just don't understand why it is that hard for me to get over her or for her to let me go? Why don't we just not pretend something we are not? When will she ever understand that am not hers to have anymore and that she needs to get over this Oedipal stage before she smothers me?

Is the power of denial that blinding, that she can't see how clearly I got independent in almost every aspect of my life since AGES? Will it hurt her so much to admit that am only staying in this house because I'm financially dependent on her? Why can't she stop depending on other people for her sense of self-worth? For how long I'll be freaking paying for her choice to stop working, become a housewife and "perfectly" raise her kids? When will she stop postponing the time when she will have to surrender the idea of who her children could be to the reality of who they actually are? Does she stop for a second and really wonder how will she ever make it for me for all those horrible moments when she(also my father & my shrink included) made me feel as if something was wrong with me? Does she know that I can easily ask her and not the society to pay for the very exhausting psychological effort I do to maintain a double life and blame her for everything I've gone through? Does she know that I only feel safe in the warm little cocoon of the gay part of my life? and that once I leave the safety of this nest, she and the society will always be there. harassing me, judging me, tormenting me? To her, my identity and relationships are unnatural! She will never understand how hard it was for me to become what I'm right now, to become that manipulative, to secretly fight against society's stereotypes when I was only 15 years old, to face rejection everywhere, to feel that the society is filled of angry villagers with torches to drive out the monster she gave birth to!

But I guess she is like all parents, they go into the enterprise expecting their child to be a better version of themselves and then the little bastards turn out to have souls all their own, destinies to be fulfilled, dreams and desires that have nothing to do with them or their DNA. Mothers carry their childs inside of them and it comes a time when they feel as if they don't even know their own child, but they will only know him again when they grow up; when they stop trying to create him in their image and likeness and see him for who he is! For so long, I tried to be the good boy, the good boy who survived what they wanted me to Be. And now it's my turn. I just need a tabula rasa, no preconceptions, no haunting-past, no judgments, no anxiety, no reflections and no limitations. Will I be able to have that with my mother? Will she finally allow me? Will she make me reach my limits of patience? Will she gave me the chance? Will she stop seeing what she wants to believe...?

20 comments:

  1. Putting aside who we might think is right or wrong, you're both in the same situation and reacting in the same way. In her eyes, you're wrong and she wants you to change. In your eyes, she's wrong and you want her to change.

    I'm sure once you are financially independant enough and able to move out, your relationship with your mum will improve. Until then I suppose it's her house, her rules!? Fair enough in my opinion :)

    x

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  2. Ms.M: I guess u r right, thu i hope not!

    Ninja: it's more complicated than just a-curfew-issue :)

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  3. It's like you're talking about my mom.
    It's not about being gay, it's a mother thing...of course you being gay magnifies it, but each mother has a part of that in her, with some more extreme than others.
    They want what's best for us yet they do not know what's best for us to begin with.
    And we're in Egypt after all... your life is never yours in Egypt, at least as long as you're living under the same roof as your parents.
    we should get together for a 'mother issues' venting :)

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  4. hehe yeah we should do that! =)
    Thank u, I wouldn't have written it if it wasn't for ur push! =D

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  5. I think you'll just have to bear with it till you're actually able to move out. That's your advice to me before remember ;)

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  6. You kill my mum and I'll kill urs, it'll be the perfect crime!

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  7. Gia: then I guess it is easier to give advice than actually doing it! =D

    Anonymous: LOL I guess you ruined its perfection by posting this comment! =P

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  8. Like others have said, you could be speaking about my mom as well.

    Everyone pays a price for having a roof over their heads and food on the table, and for people like us, that block of gloom you've described is the currency.

    Are you not ready to pay your dues this month ?

    :(

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  9. Man! you should start your own blog! =)

    P.S I missed you!

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  10. Guerrilla SodomiteDecember 7, 2009 at 1:32 AM

    habibiii *blush*

    p.s. my laptop doesn't work anymore, so currently I can't chat like we used to :(

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  11. I'm so touched I'm moved to tears :'(
    So so beautiful, this post is.

    and you sound really hot :P
    later sexy

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  12. G: When will u fix it?!

    Jamal: Thank u =) I really appreciate it, especially that u r a new follower and reader!
    xx

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  13. Acquarious, step away from the Scorpio.

    I repeat, step awaaaay from the Scorpio.

    (just joking Jamal)

    ...

    Laptops are pretty much a 2 year max device – their internal hardware takes quite a beating. So at 2.5 years, my laptop had a long and happy life. It can't be fixed and I can't afford a new one sadly :(

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  14. Thank u thank u =))
    P.S I'm half Moroccan ;)

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  15. this one is even better:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKrXYEmI7fA&feature=related

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  16. this post has the agonizing ring of truth about it... parents parents !I hope you manage to resolve things with her as I hope to resolve my issues with mine

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  17. I guess the world should throw a "Parents-Children Convention" every month! lol

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Feel free to speak out and leave a comment, I don't bite!