Why is it that we see what we want to believe when we don't believe what we see?

I'm really bored of my whole mommy-issues-boy, it's really wearisome and exhausting. I'm 21 years old now, will graduate in less than a year and become fully independent but I still fight with my mother over curfew! It's unbelievable, and it gets worse when you watch the failure of all your pseudo-succeeded attempts to build bridges, bond, be good, and understand! Sometimes I feel that my psychobabble attempts at bonding is pathetic but I just don't understand why it is that hard for me to get over her or for her to let me go? Why don't we just not pretend something we are not? When will she ever understand that am not hers to have anymore and that she needs to get over this Oedipal stage before she smothers me?

Is the power of denial that blinding, that she can't see how clearly I got independent in almost every aspect of my life since AGES? Will it hurt her so much to admit that am only staying in this house because I'm financially dependent on her? Why can't she stop depending on other people for her sense of self-worth? For how long I'll be freaking paying for her choice to stop working, become a housewife and "perfectly" raise her kids? When will she stop postponing the time when she will have to surrender the idea of who her children could be to the reality of who they actually are? Does she stop for a second and really wonder how will she ever make it for me for all those horrible moments when she(also my father & my shrink included) made me feel as if something was wrong with me? Does she know that I can easily ask her and not the society to pay for the very exhausting psychological effort I do to maintain a double life and blame her for everything I've gone through? Does she know that I only feel safe in the warm little cocoon of the gay part of my life? and that once I leave the safety of this nest, she and the society will always be there. harassing me, judging me, tormenting me? To her, my identity and relationships are unnatural! She will never understand how hard it was for me to become what I'm right now, to become that manipulative, to secretly fight against society's stereotypes when I was only 15 years old, to face rejection everywhere, to feel that the society is filled of angry villagers with torches to drive out the monster she gave birth to!

But I guess she is like all parents, they go into the enterprise expecting their child to be a better version of themselves and then the little bastards turn out to have souls all their own, destinies to be fulfilled, dreams and desires that have nothing to do with them or their DNA. Mothers carry their childs inside of them and it comes a time when they feel as if they don't even know their own child, but they will only know him again when they grow up; when they stop trying to create him in their image and likeness and see him for who he is! For so long, I tried to be the good boy, the good boy who survived what they wanted me to Be. And now it's my turn. I just need a tabula rasa, no preconceptions, no haunting-past, no judgments, no anxiety, no reflections and no limitations. Will I be able to have that with my mother? Will she finally allow me? Will she make me reach my limits of patience? Will she gave me the chance? Will she stop seeing what she wants to believe...?