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Sunday, January 3, 2010

The joke was on me?

"It's okay to appear publicly without a date on new year's eve, so drag your lazy ass & join our party tomorrow at...."
That was the invitation message that I've sent to my guests for new year's eve party, I was so excited about that party, I did it as a favor for some semi-friends to save their day as they were going to throw a party but they couldn't find a place to rent so I offered to host the party at my bf(Sunny)'s place. They told me that they will bring all the booze and the food, I've met them a day before for preparations, I just made some remarks about their guests that I don't want them to be in the party and everything went fine so far.

I was out of plastic cups & water, I called metro market 2 hours before the party starts, people arrived and started using the temporary glass cups, metro didn't arrive yet, the glass cups started to finish, people started to ask me for cups and also Ice, I kept calling metro but number was always busy, Sunny offered to go get the stuff faster, I was stressed, some unwanted guests showed up, I got nervous and dragged the other organizers(the semi-friends) to ask them what are those guys doing here? They told me to relax and If I REALLY don't want them here so they'll ask them to leave but it's new year's eve and people want to have fun bla bla bla...I didn't relax!
More weird, unwanted, low-class and feminine guys arrived, guests were constantly reminding me of the minutes left to midnight, I got more stressed out, I strictly said that there won't be any countdown before Sunny arrives, I left my nightmare inside and went outside in the garden for some fresh air, holding my drink, flashes from my childhood were haunting me; when I changed lots of school, always felt like an outsider, insecure & anti-social around people out of my social pool...etc

They started the countdown, Sunny sent me a "Happy new year" message with a sad face. Suddenly it hit me, the invitation's joke was on me; I was there in public without a date to kiss at midnight on new year's eve! I got so angry and furious, If my Icy brain could still send signals to my face, you could see the tear in my eyes! I ran to my room upstairs, standing by the window and was desperately waiting for Sunny to come back! The seconds felt like years until he arrived.
I ran from my room, bumped into "Ezzie" on the stairs, he got so worried about my state, followed me until I ran outside the house to Sunny...I told Sunny everything, took him upstairs and burst into tears between his arms! I didn't need anyone but him at that moment, he was the only shoulder I needed to cry on, to be weak in front of him, to show all my naked emotions and fears that were leaked from my lacrimal glands in silence....I relaxed by then!
I went downstairs, nothing on my mind but "Those people are light-year behind from deserving my tears!", driven by my adrenaline, threw every unwanted one outside with the great help of my "Seeker-Sagi" friend, didn't care about those semi-friends; I had my bf, my friends and all people that I like were around me, supporting me, drinking with me, dancing with me and even kissing me(FISH)....the party started by then!

But there something that has changed in me after what happened, I can't really explain it but I feel it. I cleaned my MSN & FB lists, I started to be skeptical about meeting/doing/socializing with people that are outside my social or class pool, I don't really care anymore about the idea of the risks of losing people, the risks of being socially or politically stupid! I donno if I'm still drunk with powers & driven by the power of rejecting & throwing all these people outside or If I'm growing up or If there is a shift in the order of my self-confidence. All I know is that I like it and I'm enjoying it!
Happy new years everyone! =))


  1. It really touched me deeply, the part where your boyfriend sent you the message, its really CUTE and DEPRESSING at the same time, My eyes almost were teary, the whole part of standing in the garden alone also. but glad that things got better when your boyfriend came...and that you are now more organized about your friends, that's better, and a daring thing what you have done (:
    Happy new year to you too!

  2. Thank u 4 ur sweet comment, I really appreciate it! =)
    Happy new year!

  3. Dear, you will never get grown up, you will always miss judge people and u will always be in that situation with different circumstances.
    I like ur school flash back coz it happened to me few days ago :(

  4. :( 3an jad 7aseet feek w kteer fehemt 3elaik bas l mohem en l party entahet nehaye 7elwe.
    Happy new year 7oby

  5. wow, that sounds pretty intense.. and the timing is good too for a positive change.

    Have a nice 2010 with the people you care about.

  6. Diegoo: How did it happen to u?

    Ms.M: happy new year 2 u too mwah

    Ninja: lol yeah very tragic(in a bad way)! wish u the best in 2010

  7. mmmmmmmmmmmmh I had fight with all my friends (not co-worker) in work. and i didn't talk with any so i get childhood flash back as i didnt have any friends when i were kid even i were in the same school and class all my life.

  8. Thumbs UP (Y)

    Happy New Year IQ

    Glad u made it through this day :)

  9. Batabeet: 3ash men shafek! =) Thanks & Happy new year 2 u

    Anonymous: Thank u! =)

  10. Guerrilla SodomiteJanuary 14, 2010 at 9:23 PM

    Edwina habibti this was a celebration of the Gregorian new year, not the Chinese one.

    Anywhoa, all I can say is you've completely articulated something I've had such a hard time quarantining from my own personality - the willingness to appease people who hurt you. Taking an initiative not to be afraid of disappointing those types of people is liberating.

    I cried on New Years as well, but only because we can no longer wear those cool new years glasses where the middle two zeros are the frame (:

    Happy 2010 <3

    ps What is "fish" ?

  11. lol I love u! : )

    Fish, is a word to describe lesbian-related actions

  12. Well, I wasn't there, but I was there, guess how !?
    I met some random first-time guys that night late after the midnight and they were gossiping about that party when the teenager host got furious and threw it all on their faces and that that was so unexpected and unaccepted (as they claimed), but later after spending some time with them, Man, U had all the right, lol

    Keep growing, we all do, just try not to show growth marks ;)

  13. haha that could be the best comment I've received in some time! =D



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