Another Crap!

It's been almost a month since I last spoke with Ezzie and 2 weeks since I last spoke with my only Taurean friend or let me call him A.I, he's Ezzie's best friend since ages, 2 weeks ago I called him few times and he didn't pick up or return my calls, I thought that maybe he's busy blowing someone or something, few days later I read on his Facebook profile that he has a broken elbow, I got worried so I called him but he didn't pick up, so at that moment I felt that something is not right! I texted him to wish him a rapid recovery but still no sign of life from him....
Another abandonment, another disappointment...another crap! It's reached a level of untagging me from some pictures on Facebook! I didn't comment and never will! I never doubted that he could be that childish! He's 30 god damn years old for fuck's sake! I still don't know their reasons behind all of this drama....

I'm very confused, shall I move on? I deserve an explanation but is it worth waiting for? Shall I wait and see where this is going to or it is simply the end? Some incidences like this happened before between them and other common friends, they fight and get back together after some time but shall I accept that? Accept them again if they seeked acceptance?

It's just I'm in a very bad phase right now, I've only 2 best gay friend left but one is living in Alexandria and the other had left the country for good last summer! They are priceless, they complete me, they are really true friends, they always make me feel that there is something missing whenever I try to fit in another group of firneds! even with Ezzie and A.I group, there was still something missing! I wish the trio of us were living in one place, a big lier who said that the internet/phone calls make the world a small village but unfortunately that's the only available choice for us to communicate and it's satisfying a bit!
So now I should either try to fit in Jovee's gang or go through the whole exhausting process of making new friends but I can't do neither this nor that! the more I get closer to Jovee's gang, the more I can't fit in, I feel that they are immature somehow(I never had gay friends who are around my age, they are usually 3-5 years older at least), you know when you feel that you are not getting the expected center of attention or appreciation? I donno how to explain it but I just feel it....again there is something missing! and speaking of Jovee, the more I deal with him without having any agenda, the more I figure out that I was so blind not to see that his paradise is not for me! Touché Madonna!

Bottom line; I will only concentrate on my studies(my finals are pretty soon) and use all my unleashed energy in working out until further notice!

Reconsidering!

....Cleaning up my mobile messages, deleting messages about things that I don't want to remember, keeping ones that always make me smile, stopped at that message I sent to Ezzie on his birthday, I just couldn't erase it though it made me feel very sad inside, I know that I'm never sweet to anyone by nature, I've a mask-like face, icy blooded and nothing at all really matters to me, that's me! Can't help it! But I'm always sweet to people I care about, they will always matter to me, it's a high voltage sin for me to upset them! It's just I don't comprehend why he is abandoning me?! I didn't do anything bitchy to him to deserve that, on the contrary I'm the one who has all the right at his side to abandon him, I'm not blaming him for not showing up at my birthday party as he was recovering from his inflammated tonsils, but I'm pretty blaming him for not calling or even texting me ever since!

So YES, I'm abandoning him until further notice!
Shall I reconsider our friendship too?


....Thursday night, at some pub with Jovee and some friends, Jovee telling me about his last date, I asked the waiter for another drink and one drink leads to another, he kept telling me how sweet the date is, how good looking he is, how they do match, bla bla bla...I left him with my aha-interesting-happy 4u responses and told him in the end never to wear rayé on rayé again! you look like a hideous zebra!

OUI! C'est la fin! no more physical interaction with Jovee and from now he no longer exists on my "To be dated" list! Enough with young guys! C'est vraiment trop!


....Human beings are designed for many things, but loneliness is not one of them! So shall I reconsider making a family? Does the idea of ending-up alone and childless really terrify me?! Shall I reconsider my suicide's zero hour and make it pre-40?
Most of healthy marriages last for few years but they continue the devastating dysfunctional marriage for the sake of their children or any other stupid precious reason, Do I want to be part of this drama? Being responsible about the impact of my mistakes on my wife or my kids? I guess I won't be able to do it! I know myself, I'm selfish and self-centered bitch that hate to carry any other responsibilities than mine!

....I'm a secretive guy but lately I'm steaming out more via writing than talking with friends!
Will I be uncapable of expressing myself or confronting others on the long run?
Shall I reconsider blogging?

Sans titre!

Scène une:
....Thursday, 10PM, waiting my guests in front of Cairo Jazz Club, called Ezzie, his mobile is switched off(and he didn't call me back until typing this post), called my crazy artistic pisces friend, he is on the way, called my only taurean friend, he's got stuck in the corridor's accident, called my female folks, they can't make it, so I had to cancel my reservation as they wouldn't break the "Couples only" lame rule, my pisces friend arrived, we took the cake, went to his place and had a very small birthday party, me, him, my taurean friend and my dear Alexandrian friend! very unexpected! Is it Jovee's curse? Should I have expected less than my last year's huge party? 2008 is proving day after day that it's such a bitch to me!
1:30AM, I was home, can't open my eye lids because of the pain caused by my seem-expired eye contacts, took them off my literally bloody eyes by a miracle and slept!

Scène deux:
....Friday, 12AM, bumping into a Halloween party at Zamalek, the very same building where my ex.Fuck buddy lives, couldn't help but wonder if it's such a small or world or I'm a big whore?!
The usual gay faces of every party but in addition to the hetero Egyptian bourgeoisies and the hetero foreigners!
I was already drunk as I had two vodka drinks with the guys, Jovee, Zayneb(he is not feminine but I love this nickname of him as much as I hate his guts!), S. , my Jordanian LEO friend and the "Charlotte" of the group, Jovee fixed me a whiskey soda drink, we danced, the DJ's music wasn't that bad, I checked out some guys and played my favourite solo game "Gay, Pas gay et too ugly to be gay", my ears couldn't bare the very loud music anymore, had a side talk outside on the stairs with that XL-ed guy I'm chatting with and saw in two previous parties, got back inside, mingled, my lovely LEO friend introduced me to some guys he knows then I had to go as I've got a curfew(Yes! all of that and I've over-protective parents!), I saluted the guys, kissed Jovee on the cheeks, he grabbed me and stamped a kiss on my lips right in front of everyone! I put my hand around his neck, continued the kiss and played with his hair!
Later on after the kiss, some guys hit on me and made their intro then my LEO friend walked me down, hailed for a cab and asked me to call him as soon as I arrive home.

Scenes worth laughing at:
- S. made out with my Leo friend in the nile view terrace also in front of everyone!
- Zayneb was doing his best to grab attention but his dancing was more of 3ageen El Falla7a(the dance of female farmers)!
- Someone was being over-friendly with me for 2 parties in a row!
- Me dropping my drink on my new pullover while dancing, thanks to Zayneb's famous envious eye!
- S.'s tongue cat fight with the host after his exposé in the terrace, the fight was ended by a kiss on her hand!!

Steaming out!

I wouldn't cry on anyone like I did today....
I feel so weak and vulnerable....
I feel so gay....
I depression-ly wonder what would have been my reaction if I was straight....
How I let him humiliate me like that in public....
But it wasn't my fault!
I shouldn't be responsible if he wanted to drive between me and the big bus next to me!
I was so polite though it wasn't my fault....
He was quiet until he showed me what happened to his car!
Then I found an unleashed monster right in front of me, grabbing me from my t-shirt, hitting me on my neck and face, cursing me, my glasses fell down, I desperately tried to convince him that it is not my god damn fault but in vain, a police soldier of Israel's embassy ran and pulled him away from me, the monster smasshed my glasses in front of me before he gets back inside his luxurious car!
I kneeled down the asphalt in tears and grabbed the left over pieces of my glasses....
Everything is diffused and irritated around me, I donno how I drove to college....
Parked, looked at the slight redness of my neck and face, few blood dropping from my neck from his nails....
Looked at the pieces of my glasses....
Felt like a high school nerd who got bullied by some hunks....
Wished I had my contacts on today....
Being not able to see accurately made me feel more weak inside....
Why I let him do this to me? Why I always let them go and let my rights go? Him! My laptops' robbers....
Do I enjoy being a victim? No! I ain't masochist!
Such a stupid country! I would have sued him and took mass of cents out of his bloody ass if I was living in a more civilized country!
Thinking about the huge headache I'll have after finishing my day with stupid patients, boring professors and moreover the mentally challenged drivers in my way back home....
Too much headache already after writing, typing and posting all of this!
Karma?!

Are we literally gay?

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And their like It's better than yours,
Damn right it's better than yours,
I can teach you,
But I have to charge

In a public bus after LONG time of not approaching, going back home from college, it's cute to bounce between levels, yesterday was driving back home and today I trapped myself inside the overloaded bus, some people were fighting as usual in the back of the vehicle, a lady who is over-watching the human wolves around her so as not to get her "fabulous" body sexually harassed, a batwoman reading Qura'n, a herming man cursed the government as soon as he saw the central security forces standing/waiting in front of the university and started storytelling his exaggerated couragement/adventures in front of Nahhas Pasha!

I wanted to isolate myself from al the this noise/actions, tried to sneak a peek of that newspaper with the gentleman in the front chair, interesting interview with that brave girl who sued a guy who sexually harassed her in the street, couldn't continue reading that capturing interview as the gentleman's reaction towards it was not as mine in any tiny way, a page had to be turned so a blog post had to be written!

I couldn't help but steam out those thoughts am having recently and there was nothing better to isolate myself from the current surroundings than writing......

How far would you go to land in "trés content" island? You can easily spot the crave for happyness any where anytime; in the eyes of a mother who is fixing her daughter's wedding veil, fluffing her dress and telling her no woman ever been that beautiful! In the couragement of Salomon fish to travel from seas to rivers regardless all the risks just to meet-up with his beloved ones and mate! In the controversy of the male Seahorse to undergo a pregnancy look-like process by carrying the developing babies in a non-uterine pouch in the front of their bodies where the female seahorse implanted her eggs so that the male can fertilises them internally and carries them to term just to be a father!

But we the gays who are supposed to be "happy" as how our "label" is defined in all bloody dictionaries, are we literally gay? Don't you get bored of living a double and maybe triple lives? Isn't it unfair that we suffer due to a lot of things like unacceptance for instance? Even in the most civilized countries, many parents wish to have heterosexual kids as they want them to be "Happy"!

.....26th of October, 12AM in my car somewhere in Maadi, a joint in my hand, receiving sweet calls and SMSs wishing me a fabulous birthday, looking at Jovee with lust in the passenger's seat, got distracted by his fugly new hair-cut, I always told him never to go to Egyptian hairdresser if you have long hair that needs to be trimmed, teased him and said that I won't allow his existance in my birthday party next thursday if his hair didn't grow any longer, he replied that he won't be able to attend it anyway as it will be his sister's engagement party that night and wondered if I could postpone it to Friday if I like/want him to be there with me on that night! I drove him back home and kept thinking about the whole issue in my way back home.

Is he worth it? I definitely won't make a big deal out of postponing my birthday as Thursday won't differ that much from Friday, but I was seeing it from a different perspective; Is Jovee worth any effort from me after all the hints he mentioned the last time we met? He is so not looking for any relationship! He even wanted to hook me up with someone for god's sake!

What's wrong with me? almost all my friends are against this relationship saying that I deserve someone better, that I can do much better and things of this kind!....If only they could see what i'm seeing/feeling? but why I still want to work on this relationship though 80% it's going nowhere and though all my gay 6th senses proved all of that before it even starts?!

I decided to stop talking or thinking about it with him, myself and anyone until further notice! And my birthday party will be on Thursday as it is planned to be! See you there at Cairo Jazz Club!

The truce hurts!

Wednesday 1st of Oct, first day of the feast, haven't sleep yet, still stoned somehow as I smoked up with my hetero buddies after they finished Eid's prayers, in my uncle's car heading to my Aunt's villa at 6th of October city for a family lunch over the pool, extended my seat, doing my best to avoid the annoying sun rays, cursing my bad luck with shades, trying to have a small nap but something prevented that from happening, my uncle played "Kermalak(For you)" song of Elissa and it got me!

I remembered all what happened with Jovee last night/few hours ago, the kisses we stole all over Maadi, that dark street where we made out and how amazing it felt when lust took the car's direction wheel! Elissa's songs kept haunting me in our way to my aunt and even all our way to Agami! I was listening to some songs as if am listening to them for the first time, different from how I used to listen to them when I broke up with my ex.boyfriend and also different from how I heard them in the very first time! It was long enough distance to Agami to trap me inside my mind with all those thoughts and answerless questions!
Do we match? Were we only horny? Is he thinking about me likewise? Will he deal with the whole thing in a damn practical way like a typical Virgo? Shall I go down with my "No gambling with my emotions" ship and don't put my hands up and surrender? Is he Mr.right or Mr.right now? Yes, I'm still young but will my experiment with a 1 year older guy succeed as I always wondered? Won't it be great to date someone who is like me in million ways? Agnostic, smoker, alcoholic, issues-free somehow et plus he's already involved in my hetero gang and living near to me....that's it! I decided to stop thinking about it and get myself as busy as possible until I go back to Cairo and talk with him about it.

Saturday 4th of Oct, in my way back to Cairo, called him to check his plans for tonight, doing my best to be sweet with him unlike my bitchyness in the last phone call:
Me: Hey, what's up?
Him: Drunk and just came back from that wedding
Me: Am tipsy and just saw one of your silly friends in Sheikh Ali bar
Him: Sheikh Ali? Did you go to Alexandria?
Me: Oui, had late lunch here and met up with my alex friends
Him: OMG! from Agami to Sheikh Ali in Alex, are you that desperate? (laughing)
Me: Yes! am that desperate that I kissed you that night!
Him: You're such a bitch!!
Me: I'm joking, I enjoyed it wallahi!
Him: Yeah, I bet you did!
Me: Who's the bitch now?
Him: Am not! you wouldn't kiss more if you didn't enjoy it!
Me: Oh! What do you know about life? Maybe I was just horny!
Him: We didn't fuck, we KISSED!

....11pm, we were having our drinks in one of Cairo's oldest pubs, I was happy that I could finally be nice to "S", Jovee's friend whom ex cheated on me with him though S knew that we were in love! Few minutes later another friend of Jovee arrived, we moved to another table with better view, I enjoyed listening to their stories, I was drunk but still concious, I told S that I will drive Jovee back home in my way, we got into my car, I hit the road and he started the conversation:
Him: Nordine, btw I didn't kiss you because I was drunk
Me: I know, I was just teasing you when you said in the pub that you were too drunk when you found yourself making out with Mina in the bathroom in M's last party
Him: Anyway, I'm not ready for dating as I want to continue my studies abroad because I want to love my home asap specially after my mum knew about me as you know, so am looking for friends or fuck buddies right now!
Me: Okay, so where are we? we are not friends as I don't sleep with friends and we are not fuck buddies as fuck buddies are not friends and we can't date as you are not ready!
Him: Nordine, you are hot and I like you so much but it's just I don't wanna mess up things and hurt anyone
Me: You are sexy and you know that I like you too but stop being so practical! I want to do my masters abroad but that doesn't mean that I should stop my life for something am not sure about it yet after 2 years! Who knows? I would die tomorrow! Just make the most of now and enjoy your life!
Him: But I'll be sure about it when my step-dad comes back from Europe by the mid of this month
Me: You know that am not a big fan of labes, I'm enjoying my time with you and don't care for a definition for it!
Him: so you are say..i..n...(I had to kiss him to shut him up!)..g
Yes, I'm saying let's not define it until your step-dad arrives and you know what you are going to do with your life, so we are having a truce!

I won't rebound with Jovee, but I've to admit that the whole thing helped me in getting over Mr.B specially when I read that SMS from him last night 2 in the morning asking me where I'm! Sorry B, you are no longer appealing to me, not after I called and texted you few weeks ago and received null from you and now you are texting me after your penis woke up from the stocks crisis! DUH!

Would you pretend we're only friends if I kissed you?

In the National Cancer Institute, relaxing on one of the patients' beds, enjoying spying on the nurses' hilarious conversations, waiting for the doctor to arrive and teach us a new lousy practical lesson, craving for a cigarette, cursing the new "smoking" laws, listening to Madonna's get together, couldn't help but think about my friend Jovee!

A week ago, on the Fitr Feast's night I passed by my Leo/Virgo friend Jovee, parked my car under his building, jumped into his car, took his iPOD and prepared a playist to cope up with the drunk mood we'll be having later on, few minutes later and I was shopping for the night's drinks from Maadi's drinkies, he was driving, we were drinking, some people were watching, no one was commenting as it is so traditional in Egypt to drink on this night, he parked under one of his friends' building to get our suppy of hash and mix-up some drinks, we were in his friend's room, I extended on the bed, my head was on Jovee's laps, a joint in a hand, a drink in the other and getting wasted is on the waiting list!

We had to go, his friends went before us, I stood up, Jovee's face was inches away, he leaned toward me, I thought he wanted a friendly warm hug, I gave him one, he said that I misunderstood but it's okay anyway and was heading out of the room, I grabbed him and stamped a one hell of a kiss on his lips, my hands around his neck, playing with his fantabulous semi-long hair, he closed the lights and AC, it all lasted for few minutes, got back in his car, dazzled, irritated, confused and feeling weird but I put all of that aside, added Iio's kiss you on the previously prepared playlist and pressed PLAY!

Go to part two