Self-stung?

My poisonous nature is eating me inside-out and poisoning everyone around me.
Why do I keep pushing limits? What draws the line between seriousness & fun?
Is it normal to “over-dose” your friends?
Beating yourself up is self-criticism?
I don’t like criticism, especially constructive ones. Do you think I don’t know my flaws already?
Does our fear of not belonging anywhere that make us stuck with wrong choices?
What you see as desperation for your acceptance is nothing but my trials for possessing you.
Why do I keep going after it although I know that once I’ll have, I won’t like it and that it’s not like how it appeals from the outside
How I didn’t notice all that time that being popular is different than being social?
What is identity?
Social mistakes are pricey?
People don’t like it when you see right through them and reveal their inner fears & weaknesses.
Why the intimidation?
Why buttering up & sweet-coating?
There is a difference between wanting something and needing something.
Guilt is the number one negative chi producer. You let that fester, it will age you.
Am I self-fellating my own curse?
To really know someone is to have loved and hated him in turn?
The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
Please don't mistake my anal retentiveness for actual affection.
Do you get exhausted too from yourself sometimes? All that plotting, scheming & venom becomes wearisome at some point, no?
Switching & channeling your emotions, thoughts, desires & projections between different biospheres or even same biosphere, kills your brain cells & your soul gradually?
Your holier-than-thou attitude brings the worst in me!
When will you ever take off your judgmental blinder and stop being some kind of a moral paragon for once?
Did it ever occur to you that maybe it's you who needs me to be angry at you?
Social butterflies are twisted schizoids.
It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along?
People may compromise/adapt but not change.

I don't have to make any sense to you...!

Pop! Six! Squish! Uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz!

There comes a time when you have to do something to change your scenery, your life's tone & tempo. When you feel that you had seen it, done it, touched it, dropped it, had it, tried it, eaten it, loved it, fucked it, heard it, played it, drunk it, danced it, bought it, read it, sampled it, discussed it, worked it, been there! When all that sex desensitizes you after a while and you start needing more and more kinkiness to get off; Bondage, discipline, role playing, masochistic behavior, erotic asphyxiation, voyeurism...anything, just anything to keep upping the ante!

When that kind of monotony hits me, usually I do one of the upping tricks that I just mentioned or I change my pictures on the online dating websites or I check what/who I've been putting on the shelves. But this time nothing of that upped it, so when I was stoned(my new addiction), I spermed a thought of trying something new & different; changing my whole online identity! I uploaded pictures that I didn't use before, showed my face, changed text, just added "Moroccan new in town" and the magic started. I was reignited, it was like a bucket of gasoline! Those websites put witness protection program to shame!
Since identity of one changes with how one perceives reality, and since am half Moroccan after all, it was so easy to sell this identity to people online and approach the whole "discreet-only-into-foreigners" type of guys!

It was like a circus & different types of freaks are approaching you; It started by the young sexually-insecure guys who are top only, think this sophomoric act is charming, are fighting to keep their status as cock of the walk and who would create a relationship with you out of mere physical heat!
Then the whole "Egybtion Ztyle" & "Straight masseur" guys approach you and those are the funniest of them all, the "Egybtion" ones usually find their way around with their maybe sole asset of showing the "tourist" around, taking him to authentic erotic places, giving him the modern "The White queen and The Nubian boy" fantasy..etc while the "Masseur" is anything but subtle! He says he is straight, only into massage and wants to make friends but surprisingly, he puts his dick size & role information and it's important for him to know if you are top or bottom & how large is your cock in order for him to be your friend!

Then the unapproachable ones of all approach you! The "Discreet-only-into-foreigners" guys! You wouldn't believe the measures they'd take to maintain their discreet-state. Many of them are placing their profiles abroad & they contact the people they like in Egypt, most of them are usually into blind dates or they'd show themselves on webcam only and wouldn't show you their pictures, they would even call you from different anonymous numbers and would never give you their number, they tend to get schizophrenic when you tackle sexuality or religion topics and of course they are usually very WHOREny and ready to do you even if you are out of their favorite age range!
Would you believe that a discreet Belgian guy-with no pics in his profile of course-contacted me cuz he wants to have a "discreet" fun when he comes to Egypt? And a French guy who works in Dubai & wanna visit Egypt, he contacts me cuz I'm Moroccan/Francophone? Do you think what I did would become a trend? like this guy is saying on his profile's headline "im new here anyone wanna be my guide ;)" even though he's been in Egypt before I even knew that I'm into men!
Anyway the trick is to know that identity is theft of the self, so you'd better be cautious!

Fuck me, I'm Famous & Uncensored!

Weeks ago I've received a phone call from one of my friends telling me that he bought "Cleo" magazine December issue because it had "Egypt SEX Bloggers, Homosexuals' online haven" big title on the cover so he joked around with his bf and told him that it will be so funny if he found my blog inside, and little did he know! I was there! he was shocked, called me directly and transmitted his shock to me!

I was so surprised when I heard the news, was excited but scared in the same time, told my bf, all my friends and readers about the great news via facebook and SMSs then it hit me! Am I going so far? Am I attracting wrong/un-necessary attention to my blog? Am I risking my anonymity? Is my freedom of speech jeopardized now?...then I said "FUCK IT"! I should enjoy my few minutes of fame, so I ran the next day to the nearest shop to buy the issue but to my surprise I was censored! The information bureau already noticed the issue and ordered the magazine to censor that report! But thankfully(and finally! :P) my friend scanned what was there for me, I guess the issue he bought was from the first edition:



Also, I'm going to go on TV but won't write about it now for security reasons(it's starting already! :P)

The joke was on me?

"It's okay to appear publicly without a date on new year's eve, so drag your lazy ass & join our party tomorrow at...."
That was the invitation message that I've sent to my guests for new year's eve party, I was so excited about that party, I did it as a favor for some semi-friends to save their day as they were going to throw a party but they couldn't find a place to rent so I offered to host the party at my bf(Sunny)'s place. They told me that they will bring all the booze and the food, I've met them a day before for preparations, I just made some remarks about their guests that I don't want them to be in the party and everything went fine so far.

I was out of plastic cups & water, I called metro market 2 hours before the party starts, people arrived and started using the temporary glass cups, metro didn't arrive yet, the glass cups started to finish, people started to ask me for cups and also Ice, I kept calling metro but number was always busy, Sunny offered to go get the stuff faster, I was stressed, some unwanted guests showed up, I got nervous and dragged the other organizers(the semi-friends) to ask them what are those guys doing here? They told me to relax and If I REALLY don't want them here so they'll ask them to leave but it's new year's eve and people want to have fun bla bla bla...I didn't relax!
More weird, unwanted, low-class and feminine guys arrived, guests were constantly reminding me of the minutes left to midnight, I got more stressed out, I strictly said that there won't be any countdown before Sunny arrives, I left my nightmare inside and went outside in the garden for some fresh air, holding my drink, flashes from my childhood were haunting me; when I changed lots of school, always felt like an outsider, insecure & anti-social around people out of my social pool...etc

They started the countdown, Sunny sent me a "Happy new year" message with a sad face. Suddenly it hit me, the invitation's joke was on me; I was there in public without a date to kiss at midnight on new year's eve! I got so angry and furious, If my Icy brain could still send signals to my face, you could see the tear in my eyes! I ran to my room upstairs, standing by the window and was desperately waiting for Sunny to come back! The seconds felt like years until he arrived.
I ran from my room, bumped into "Ezzie" on the stairs, he got so worried about my state, followed me until I ran outside the house to Sunny...I told Sunny everything, took him upstairs and burst into tears between his arms! I didn't need anyone but him at that moment, he was the only shoulder I needed to cry on, to be weak in front of him, to show all my naked emotions and fears that were leaked from my lacrimal glands in silence....I relaxed by then!
I went downstairs, nothing on my mind but "Those people are light-year behind from deserving my tears!", driven by my adrenaline, threw every unwanted one outside with the great help of my "Seeker-Sagi" friend, didn't care about those semi-friends; I had my bf, my friends and all people that I like were around me, supporting me, drinking with me, dancing with me and even kissing me(FISH)....the party started by then!

But there something that has changed in me after what happened, I can't really explain it but I feel it. I cleaned my MSN & FB lists, I started to be skeptical about meeting/doing/socializing with people that are outside my social or class pool, I don't really care anymore about the idea of the risks of losing people, the risks of being socially or politically stupid! I donno if I'm still drunk with powers & driven by the power of rejecting & throwing all these people outside or If I'm growing up or If there is a shift in the order of my self-confidence. All I know is that I like it and I'm enjoying it!
Happy new years everyone! =))

Why is it that we see what we want to believe when we don't believe what we see?

I'm really bored of my whole mommy-issues-boy, it's really wearisome and exhausting. I'm 21 years old now, will graduate in less than a year and become fully independent but I still fight with my mother over curfew! It's unbelievable, and it gets worse when you watch the failure of all your pseudo-succeeded attempts to build bridges, bond, be good, and understand! Sometimes I feel that my psychobabble attempts at bonding is pathetic but I just don't understand why it is that hard for me to get over her or for her to let me go? Why don't we just not pretend something we are not? When will she ever understand that am not hers to have anymore and that she needs to get over this Oedipal stage before she smothers me?

Is the power of denial that blinding, that she can't see how clearly I got independent in almost every aspect of my life since AGES? Will it hurt her so much to admit that am only staying in this house because I'm financially dependent on her? Why can't she stop depending on other people for her sense of self-worth? For how long I'll be freaking paying for her choice to stop working, become a housewife and "perfectly" raise her kids? When will she stop postponing the time when she will have to surrender the idea of who her children could be to the reality of who they actually are? Does she stop for a second and really wonder how will she ever make it for me for all those horrible moments when she(also my father & my shrink included) made me feel as if something was wrong with me? Does she know that I can easily ask her and not the society to pay for the very exhausting psychological effort I do to maintain a double life and blame her for everything I've gone through? Does she know that I only feel safe in the warm little cocoon of the gay part of my life? and that once I leave the safety of this nest, she and the society will always be there. harassing me, judging me, tormenting me? To her, my identity and relationships are unnatural! She will never understand how hard it was for me to become what I'm right now, to become that manipulative, to secretly fight against society's stereotypes when I was only 15 years old, to face rejection everywhere, to feel that the society is filled of angry villagers with torches to drive out the monster she gave birth to!

But I guess she is like all parents, they go into the enterprise expecting their child to be a better version of themselves and then the little bastards turn out to have souls all their own, destinies to be fulfilled, dreams and desires that have nothing to do with them or their DNA. Mothers carry their childs inside of them and it comes a time when they feel as if they don't even know their own child, but they will only know him again when they grow up; when they stop trying to create him in their image and likeness and see him for who he is! For so long, I tried to be the good boy, the good boy who survived what they wanted me to Be. And now it's my turn. I just need a tabula rasa, no preconceptions, no haunting-past, no judgments, no anxiety, no reflections and no limitations. Will I be able to have that with my mother? Will she finally allow me? Will she make me reach my limits of patience? Will she gave me the chance? Will she stop seeing what she wants to believe...?

YES, I went legal!

Yes, I'm that famous, popular and loved that I don't need to blog about my life but let others do the job for me! =P
My very dear friend E(aka Ezzie) blogged about my birthday party on his blog:

She's Legal, her Party Wasn't!
So as everyone was recovering from the last party, which was too fabulous for me to even blog it, Kiki Jr. decided that the moment has come to give a ball, the highlight of her, ahem, stellar career in the gay society, and that everyone queen would envy and that would be the talk of the scene for days to come (which is the utmost any queen can hope for considering the attention span of queens in general).

To push things to the extreme, and be all controversial as ever, Kiki Jr. decided that her 21st birthday bash would be a themed party, a costume party that is.

Fearing that all the queens would mistake costume for drag, she stressed that each queen she should keep her wig in her bag and think 'outside the box'.

For a whole week every queen in town was thinking, 'what should I wear for Kiki Jr's party?'

Me and Kiki Sr. were no exception.

For days at a time Kiki Sr. talked of nothing else but 'what costume should I wear?'

And while I thought the prospect of wearing a costume is exciting, I knew it would be near impossible to have a nicely done costume in Cairo.

It would not go without notice and all kinds of wrong attention.

So I opted for 'soft drag'.

Meaning, heavy eye make up, lipstick, nail polish, no wig and a trashy outfit.

And after much useless resistance, Kiki Sr. followed suit.

So clad in my gorgeous Pashmina scarf (trying to cover up my indecent outfit), I was making my way to this fictitious suburb east of Cairo.

Sans make up we made our way to the residence of Kiki Jr. and her beau.

Fashionably early, we were both horrified and amazed at Kiki Jr. costume (photos available to select audience on Facebook) it was a leather top with a star situated mid chest, and hot leather shorts with straps on both sides, leaving nothing to the imagination......READ MORE >>>

So now(technically last 26th of October) I'm 21 years old and no longer a twink! *wink wink*

Not so Icy after all?

Without any further introduction, rich words, nice writing style or paragraphing. The slut is in love PERIOD!

This would be the shortest post I've ever written but its meaning is one of the deepest and longest(no pun intended) posts for me!