And the therapy continues....Coming Clean!

...Waiting for the doctor in the lobby, sitting beside an aging man, excused him if the smoke coming out of my cigarette is bothering him, and before I knew it, we had this conversation:
Him: No, not at all, let me smoke with u
Me offered him a cigarette and lit it: Here u go!
Him: The best thing in life is not to give a damn about anything (To7otaha ta7t reglak)
Me: U mean to stop smoking?
Him: No, am talking in general...we are so stressed, we should pause for a moment and breath
Me: Umm...yeah sure!
Him: So what's ur name?
Me: Nordine
Him: Nordine what? *Trying to see if am muslim or not lol*
Me: Nordine Mahmoud
Him: Are you here to visit someone or..
Me interrupting: Am here for a session
Him: With which Dr.? If i may ask
Me: It's okay, Dr.Emad
Him: He's such a nice person, so kind and decent
Me: Am sure he is! *Cursing the Dr for not appearing any faster to rescue me*
Him: But you are young, life is still having for you, what are u suffering from my dear?
Me: Just a psychological problem
Him: What? Are loving a girl that is screwing up ur life?
Me laughing and exhaling smoke: No, loving a GUY actually!!
Him looking surprised: are you joking?
Me: No am serious, you can't control your heart who to love and who not to love!
Him: it's just a phase don't worry..bla bla bla
Me: I'm not worried, am loving it!
Him: Come on! you are a medical students, you will meet plenty of women and vaginas(using the Egyptian slang)
Me: Unfort. I don't like Vagina!
Him: How u love rectum? it's full of shit..bla bla
Me: And how would you know? Did you try it before to go judge others actions??!
Me continuing and using the slang: And btw, Anus is way tighter than the vagina..am sure u'd love it!
Him: you know what will discipline you?
Me: What? lol
Him: When you'll do your army service!
Me: My dear, believe me, I'll TOTALLY enjoy "doing" my army service, dal shoghl kollo fil 7agat de
Him: *telling me a tale about an Army officer he knows, who picked a tanned muscled soldier from the South to be his own soldier and then started having sex with him*
Me: Ahh..Ummm...Okay!!
Him: Does your parents know about your problem?
Me: Yeah, they do and they are okay with it!
Him: Am like your grandfather, I wish you the best and be a decent Doctor
Me: Thank you...*Then my Dr. showed up and rescued me*

I made an intro about the "Doctor and patient" confidality and that I know that the Doctor would break it when it's about committing suicide or homicide, the Dr interrupted and said, also if the patient is pedophile or having a serious disease, I believe you are making this intro for something you want to say...
Me: I want to make sure that you don't directly or indirectly mention anything I say to my parents
Him: If it's not something from the above, then I shouldn't tell them...but you are not obliged to tell the naked truth though it's better if you say it!
Me laughing and felt like as if I'm throwing a bomb: Okay, I've been into men since 6-7 years ago, I had a boyfriend before, I've gay friends and I sleep with many guys!

I felt relieved, it's nice to come clean and then we discussed everything and I corrected to him the wrong answers to his questions in the previous sessions...we talked about a lot of things, god, religion, my life, my friends...etc and he really made me see and think about things I've never noticed before, am starting to love the whole therapy thing!

Anyway this was my 5th session and I didn't post about the 3rd and 4th ones because there was nothing interesting to talk about other than he asked to see my sister in the 4th session and we talked mostly about my parents and my relation to them in those sessions

He's having the next 2 weeks off because he's getting married and he assigned me to one of his colleagues! =)

The number you've dialled is not in service, ANYMORE!

When was the last time you starred at your mobile screen for moments that felt like hours just waiting or hoping to receive a call or even a message from someone? and you run like a slender deer when your mobile rings while you were not paying attention and you get melancholily disappointed when it wasn't him who was calling? How many times you read his messages and your replies over & over to see if you missed something he said or if you didn't pick on something of his words or to check if there is something you misinterpreted or to check if you said the wrong words in a bad sentence in a hideous timing? How many times you refreshed your e-mail & facebook inbox to check in a desperate hope if he sent anything or replied to your last message?...What pisses you off more, to call and he doesn't pick up or to call and find his mobile is switched off?
What if most of this happened to you with someone you haven't even met yet?!!

"Urban" is a guy I chatted with 2 years ago for a short time but we couldn't meet up before he suddenly disappeared. Then few weeks ago(out of the blue) a lousy "Urban has just signed in" notification popped up, I immediatly clicked on it and started talking to him, he vaguely remembered me, I mentioned some info about him and his mobile number, he was surprised by my elephant-like memory, so I told him that I rarely erase any contact and then he took my number again in order to meet that guy who came out of pandora's box before he(urban) travels back to N.Y by mid feb.
A week later I was bored and wanted to meet that sexy mystérieux(as far as I remember his pics when displayed them 2 years ago) who appeared to be a good catch for me; well-educated, decent, classy, Egyptian American, 30 years old(I never remember people's age), I guess he's a good catch for anyone! So I called him and there was no answer, I texted him but in vain too! I forgot about the whole matter for another week until I've met him online again last Friday and started talking back so I asked him why he haven't return my call/msg? He answered that he didn't get anything from me but he'll make it up by calling me Now!...an anonymous number was calling, I picked up, it was him(logically lol), I told him that this is not the number I had, he told me that he guessed I was calling a wrong number all that time! So I quickly remembered our last online conversation and told him that It's weired cuz when I'd typed your number you said that it's yours, then I continued saying that I know I sound dramatic & childish about the whole issue but I really hate games!
I quickly got over it after he kept flirting by his sexy voice, he was so into me and said jockingly that I must be a good kisser if I'm Scorpio, I told him that he'll have to inspect that by himself so he said let's meet now/tonight, I told him that he's a Leo cuz you sound like one! I then looked at the time and knew that I couldn't meet him tonight, he asked for the reason so I told im that it's kinda late and I'm so lazy to go all the distance from Maadi to Zamalek, he quickly said that he'll come to Maadi just to meet me for a while, I told him that I really can't make it tonight and that I've a curfew aswell! he then wondered why everything is difficult with me? and accused me of being a player! I told him that reverse-psychology never work with me and promised to meet him the next day.
I then continued my online session, showed him more pics and hooked-up for a sex date with a Palestinian hottie staying in an Intercontinental suite, so I thought of showing some "support" the next day to Gaza in my very own "way"!
While after going offline, I thought of calling Urban back, so I called him...No answer!,
texted him: "See? you don't pick up!"
he replied: "This time I'm not sure I want to."
Me: "Why?! I told you that I'd meet you if I can! Why wouldn't I ya3ni?! I'll call you tomorrow when I wake up anyway"

Next day(Saturday), I woke up around 5PM, didn't call him cuz my mom was pissed off at me for not praying(How boring and lame!), so I wasn't sure if I'll be able to meet him and didn't want to set a date and then take a rain check so then I'll sound a 100% player!
Anyway I've called him around 8PM, he didn't pick up, I thought maybe he's busy or sleeping or whatever(I hate it when I give excuses to ppl) so I left him a msg asking whether we will meet tonight or not, the I thought of passing some time by going to the barber shop, so I texted him again: "Am cutting my hair now 4 u lol" (I was going to cut it anyway so I thought to flirt about it as he already mentioned that he likes me with shorter hair), but he didn't reply to my msg. So I totally blocked thinking about him for the rest of the day and cursing myself inside!

1AM I was back home, called him and again no answer, so I texted him "What's wrong?"
him: "Nuthin's wrong."
Me: Well if nothing's wrong then you should pick up when I'll call you now!
I called him but again no answer, texted him "Ummm.....?!"

Next day(Sunday)
called him and was answered by the lady's recorded voice message: "The mobile you have called maybe switched off, plz try again LATER!", I called several times to check if he switched it on but in vain!

Next day(Monday)
called again, but the lady voice msg was: "The number you have dialled is not in service" @#*^%$^?!!!111!

Therapy session #2

My session was around 3PM, so I woke up at 12PM as I had to do some bank errands for my father before I go, my parents weren't home when I woke up, I called my mother to inform me about a bank-related thing, she told me that they called the psychiatrist to confirm today's session and he told her that he wants them with me this session and the next one, I paused for a while donno why, exhaled the smoke, told her Okay and changed the subject.
3PM, Me & my parents were parking in front of Dr.Yehia El Rakhawi's private hospital(the first private psychiatry hospital in Egypt), we waited for the doctor in the reception/lobby, I quickly checked out the place, 2 hot guys there, a rebellious-like dressed young lady smoking a cigarette around the corner and some bourgeoisie parents! I loved this place and felt very comfortable, unlike the fugly downtown's clinic which was packed of weird people and veiled girls!

We were shortly inside the Dr's room, I noticed a ring on his right hand, got more turned on, he took the regular date from and then asked me if I want to talk in front of my parents, I kindly disagreed as they've nothing to do with my issue, so he let them talk and say everything happened from the beginnings, when they started to suspect me...etc, so they kept talking & talking, I was very silent, got busy in my own world until I was awaken up by his mobile ringtone, he had to pick-up and talked with the caller about a 19 years old patient who is suffering from a post-psychotic depression, he told him to involve the young guy into art, drawing and music group therapy. I went back to my own world but this time I was thinking about this young patient. I donno why I had a huge urge to know more about thim, see how he looks like, how he thinks, know what's depressing him and help him. There was something sexy about him that I can't explain or even understand! Is it Mr.B's deep scar inside me? Was that unknown patient replacing Mr.B in my subconscious? Is it true that the conscious mind may be compared to a fountain playing in the sun and falling back into the great subterranean pool of subconscious from which it rises? Do I miss B and all his mental problems?!
....."So Nordine, Do you have anything to talk about before your parents leave the room?", I was awaken up again and quickly nodded with a No.

So now it was my turn to talk, to steam out everything and most important to ask someone all of those answer-less questions I've always had! I already decided after the last session that I'll stick to "I'm virgin" & "I only kissed/knew two gay guys" lies until I meet the Dr and feel very secured to let go everything! A lot of my friends and readers told me to just say the truth from the 1st session but I just't can't! I'm secretive by nature, I need to feel comfortable and secure around the Dr. to speak up and also I needed to be 100% sure that he won't directly or indirectly mention anything I say to my parents! I just need time, it's not that easy and I don't want anything to screw my parent's reaction toward the whole issue so far!
Dr: Hey, how are you?
Me: Am good!
Dr: So why you were so silent when your parents were talking?
Me: Well, they said nothing new either about my gay aspect or my other normal life aspects and I disagree about many things they said but I just didn't have the energy to argue, sometimes on the long run you love apathy, no?
The Dr, smiling: Well, I was waiting for you to say something so I can take the chance and interfer and discuss anything you want with/infront of your parents
I laughed
The Dr, smiling: so what do you disagree about?
Me: Being gay was never by clothes or haircuts, I wasn't dyeing my hair acidic yellow for god's sake!
Dr: I agree with you, what else?
Me: Well, they say that I used to get very high marks in school and now my level is going down, but I always tell them that they shouldn't compare school study to college one, they are making me that I failed a year or something! I got "Good" degree in the past 2 years though I had like 11 medical subjects per semester!
Dr: What else?
Me: No girls call me at home that doesn't mean that I don't have gfs, we are in 2009! there are way more ways to communicate other than home phone!
Dr: So you have female friends?
Me: Yes!
Me continuing: also about not going to family gatherings, I've no relatives around my age so I get bored from the grown up lame talk u know?!
Dr: What else bothers you?
Me: They are being over protective! They get angry at me when I go back home late and breaking my lame curfew, They don't know what I was feeling! I wanted to feel like all my normal friends, I was already feeling different from them so I wanted this feeling to diminish! [Yes, that was bitchy of me]
Dr: I understand, I'll talk with them about that.

N.B: you will feel lost somehow and that there is a disturbance in the sequence of the questions but it was a long session and I can't remember all the questions or their sequence.
The Dr: When did you start feeling that you like guys?
Me: around 13, I understood my feeling around 14-15 but now when I remember my childhood, I figure out that I was doing gay things that I didn't understand back then!
Dr: like what?
Me: loving my close friends in a different way, very jealous about them and care the most about them...etc
Dr: your feelings toward guys, are they sexual or emotional or both?
Me: both
Dr: so you would love someone even though you are not sexually attracted to and vice versa?
Me: Yeah, I guess
Dr: what about girls?
Me: same, but I like guys more and I've never been sexually with a girl before so I simply can't judge!
Dr: So you have been sexually with guys before?
Me: Yes but not all the way, just kissing in the car
Dr: Did you enjoy it?
Me: Yes
Dr: So you didn't go all the way then?
Me: I was afraid someone might see us, afraid that my parents would know and afraid of god [and the Oscar goes to?]
Dr: Do you masturbate?
Me: Yes
Dr: Do you think about guys or girls or what porn movies you watch?
Me: it depends on my mood!
The Dr, laughing: How?
Me: sometimes I feel like wathcing heterosexual porn & sometimes not, but I'm not that into porn movies anyway!

The Dr: How you describe what you are feeling, abnormal or gay?
Me: Different! (hehe I felt like I was like a big movie star who was being interviewed about her new role and picking up the interesting & diplomatic words to say to the press)
Me, continuing: I believe that God created me like that so he just can't punish me on what he had created, I went through a long big self-struggle to reach self-acceptance and self-satisfcation!
Dr: So why you are here if you believe that & accepting yourself? Because of your parents?
Me: They didn't obligate me and I wanted to see what would you(psychology) have for me as it's not a disease, it's not contaminating or cured by drugs or even has an aetiology!
Dr: good that you know that but not all disease affect you physical or mental status, some dysfuntions you social life
Me: but I'm a normal social person, I've a lot of friends and many people love me!
Dr: but most of gays don't get married
Me: who said that I won't marry anyone? It's too early to talk about something like that!

The Dr: Are you religious?
Me: No, not into religion, I don't pray cuz I don't feel any kind of connection with God when I pray and also I don't like to go pray just because I've to or when I hear the prayers. I only pray when I feel that I want to pray to God!

These were the most interesting questions that I've remembered, he then asked me if I want to ask him about anything but I had nothing to ask so I let my parents in and left to the lobby, lighting a cigarette, dieing to know what is going on between the Dr and my parents, checked out some guys, laughed when I felt like I'm a milf who cruises stallion drug addicts in a private hospital to sleep with her in front of their daily drug supply! (3an El 3esh2 Wal Hawa movie anyone? =P )

P.S: Check the top right of my blog page to find collection of links to posts written by other blogger(s) about me, and also check the latest post "Kiki Jr. Busted?" which talks about me coming out to my parents! =)

Therapy session #1

Time: 8PM
Date: Monday, January 5
Place: Dr.Yehia El Rakhawi's clinic at Downtown

It felt weird to go to such a clinic with your parents and be surrounded by huge diversity of patients, there was about 9 patients before my turn, so we had to wait for like 2 hours to meet the doctor, I quickly scanned the place, it's a place where a good taste goes to die! I loved at every patient(though you would not know how is the patient and who is the companion) for a while, wondering what he/she might be suffering from! It was amazing! No one can judge anyone and anything you do, will be considered normal!
Me and my Mum concentrated on a certain conversation between some Bedouins from Yemen, they were loud thinking that no one would understand what they're saying but little did they know that their dialect is slightly similar to the Moroccan one! So we understood almost the whole conversation =D He's paranoid, believes that his wife is a street hooker who leaves the home at night when he's asleep though he has 9 kids from her and she wears Niqab! No judgment! but I couldn't stop laughing when I noticed that he kept the price tag on his sock! It looked so much like those hideous scenes from our Arabic movies!

Anyway we were in front of the Dr's desk around 10:30, an aging man with stethoscope around his neck and he had minimal difficulty in hearing!
The Dr: Welcome, so what are you feeling Nordine?
Me: *Blushed slightly and laughed*
Dr: How old are your siblings?
Me: my sister is older than me by 2 years and my brother is younger by 8 years
Dr: So tell me, how are you feeling? Why are you here?
Me: I've feelings towards males!
The Dr asking my Mum: When did you know about it?
Mum: I felt it long time ago from...
(The Dr interrupting her): When did you know?
Mum: 5 days ago!
Dr: How?
Mum: His sister showed me some conversations between him and some guys on the internet
The Dr asking my father: When did you know? Did they tell you directly?
Dad: Yes they did....and my dad kept telling him that he felt it from the way I dress, my hair...etc it tended to be sissy!!!
(I looked at my father, didn't believe what he just said! I was like "Believe me dad, you don't want to see how sissy-dressed gay guys would look like!!")
The Dr to my parents: Please leave me now with him and you will come back when I finish

The Dr to me: When did you start feeling that?
Me: When I was 16 years old [I lied]
Dr: not before that?
Me: I sure did but I didn't understand what I was feeling/going through back then but when I grew up, I totally understood
Dr: How? What did you use to do?
Me: I used to love some of my friends in a special way!
Dr: Do you masturbate?
Me: Yes
Dr: How often?
Me: I donno! every now & then!
Dr: Every week or two?
Me: Yes something like that!
Dr: Did you have sex before with a guy?
Me: No! [I LIED again lol]
Dr: Did you kiss any guy from the mouth before?
Me, surprised from the sudden question and how he said it: Umm..No! It never exceeded hugs wa keda [I believe he knew that I lied in this one]
Dr: So do you have/had a boyfriend?
Me: No
Dr: You have never met any gay guy?
Me: I've met two [I lied]
Dr: How?
Me: Through the internet
Dr: What did you do with them?
Me: Nothing, we just met in a café!
Dr, in a somehow rude tone: Do these guys stop at just just meeting in a café!
Me, crossing my leg and gaving him the look: Do you think I go meet any trashy unclassy guy?! I only meet classy decent guys! and I met them because I felt that they are!
Dr: *looking speechless*
Me: *Was just about to say "Don't look shocked hun, it makes ur face looks fat" but I didn't say it*

*End of conversation and my parents are back in*

Dr: your son is a good boy, nothing serious to worry about, many guys passed by what he's feeling, there is no drugs to treat such a problem, there is a big international fuss around this issue from the psychological and medical wise but inchallah with the therapy everything will be just fine!
So now I don't want more information from you(talking to my parents), If you want to know anything just say it as a question.
Mum: his father is travelling soon...
Dr, interrupting her: so what? It's okay!
Mum: but he is going to stay abroad for long time!
Dr: I told you it's okay, I'll be here instead of him!
Dad: Why did this happen to Nordine?
Dr: Qada2 wa Qadar! (It' his fate!)

Dr to me: Do you have any questions?
Me, looking innocent: Are there guys feeling what I'm feeling?
Dr: Yes there are, but the thoundands of guys on the internet don't mean anything, Egypt and we are still fine bla bla bla
Me: *Didn't say any further word and was like "Yeah, RIGHT!" *

The prescription was the following holy instructions to my parents:

• You are prohibted to give any advice.
• You are prohibted to spy on him.
• You are prohibted to talk about this subject ever again except with his Dr, tell his sister that too and thank her for telling you about the whole issue.
• You are prohibted to talk about past.

and he referred me to one of his assistants to follow-up with him, so next session will be next Monday with the slightly sexy young assistant at 3PM

All in all, my parents are still sweet, following the rules and I started rebonding with them as I felt bad to put them through all of that!

Dating? Me dating? [Part II]

We are all searching for someone. That special person who will provide us what's missing in our lives. Someone who can offer companionship or assistance or security. And sometimes if we search very hard, we can find someone who provides us with all three. Yes, we are all searching for someone. And if we can't find them, we can only pray they find us.

I've never expected such finale to this series, coming out to my parents changed my life somehow, I was supposed to go to Charm Cheikh with Mehrzad on my my 2 weeks mid-year vacations but I had to excuse from him because I can't travel under the present circumstances, so I sent him a message informing him with my latest updates:
Me: Hey! My mother and sister confronted me with chat logs...etc so i came out to them, so i don't think i can travel to Charm with u...am so sorry!
Him: ARE YOU OK? x
Me: I'm now! She is being understandable and sweet but I'm not sure if I can travel, I can't risk it you know
Him: The only reason i was going to come to Egypt was to meet you so if I cant see you I wont come. XX
Me: I'll keep u updated
Him: Thanks xxx

**Four days passed and nothing from his part.....!**

In those 4 days, I received tons of non-stop very sweet phone calls and messages from my friends everywhere around the globe! Even from the least I'd expected. So I got pissed off at the deafening silence between me and him! Not even a Facebook cheesy msg?!
January 4, Me: I got disappointed, I thought you'd ask more about me after that i came out 2 my parents! =(
Him: Don't be! I am from the same background as you.
You are very special to me but I also was happy to come and see you again so soon! I thought maybe you don't want me there! Xx
Me: Huh? What?!

*No reply*

January 7, after reading his FB status that he is getting ready for Paris & Milan fashion week: So you are not even coming to Cairo?!
Him: My dearest Nordine, I have just launched a fashion magazine as you know and have two important fashion weeks coming up to promote it and try and get advertisers. I really find you sexy hot lovable and charming and can't wait to be with you please believe me when I say this.

But business has become really hard and I have a lot of financial matters to sort out. If I can at all make it to cairo and see you I promise I will come. Xx x x x x x x x x x x
Me: I know that and totally respect it! It's just I didn't get what you said in your last msg, how would you think that I don't want you to come to cairo?!
Have fun in Paris and Milan =D I wish to experience that one day =*
Him: I thought maybe you need time with your family to sort things out
but I still tell you to tell your family you are str8 x
its a lot easier! xxx
Me: Hehe don't worry they are being so understandable and surprisingly sweet! Thnx god...and am giving them the "hope" that I'll be str8 by accepting to go through the psychiatrist therapy sessions, that's the least thing I could do infront of their love =)
Him: I am happy for you xx

So I guess this is it! He has a lot of things going on and am not sure if he can make it from London to Cairo just to see me for few hours on a week-end as my next vacations won't be before 3 months from now! I just want to be realistic but who knows?

Officially OUT!

First day of new year, 15h:
My mother and sister confronted me with chat logs, gifts of unknown sources and a lot of past incidences...
So I couldn't help but to come out to them! And I'll be visiting a shrink very soon =D LOL

Happy new year everyone
u know u love me
xoxo

Latest update, 20:24:
-My father now knows too
-They r all acting normally and calm and my sis is being over sweet
-They booked me 1st therapy session on next monday with Dr.Rakhawi! Lol