Have you ever silently in the crowd looked at your family members or your colleagues or your people in general and thought that you don't belong to them(and not cuz i'm homo)? to this place? to this society? this country? this life?! That you utterly don't/can't fit in and you are not appreciated enough?
Do you always get provoked by their opinions, their thoughts, their double standards, their prejudice to what you are going to say or trying to explain and simply they don't get your jokes & neither you do?!
How many times you tried to adapt and failed? How hard did you try? How often do you rethink if is it all worth any effort? Would that make you feel lonely?! Is that what am going through and causing my loneliness sometimes? Am I really lonely?! Was my shrink's impression/diagnosis last session right? That I'm lonely and miserable?! Would my claimed acute promiscuous life style indirectly induce that? Am I that promiscuous to begin with(he wants me to take a sex addiction test lol)?!
I've recently been considering to only sleep with guys that I'd be seeing or dating & to reduce/stop the random sex, my shrink affirmed that too(Gee! I just said "My shrink said.."!!)...but is it really true that I'd find love if I did that? less thinking about sex will restore thinking about finding love or at least will achieve some balance between the two powers/desires?! Shall I surrender and give up my concept that love should find my way and not vice versa?
And If all of that came true & miracle happened, can I maintain a relationship? With all my committment issues and my unindependent life?! Where is prince charming aslan(if he exists)?! There is only prince harming PERIOD.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Random Thoughts
I've been so bored recently and strayed with my thoughts. Random ones about life, friends, future and many other things, my life became so routine these days; college in the morning then having a nap at home then watching TV or playing on the PC then the day repeats itself all over again in the next day until the weekend when I hang out with friends but even going out became so boring; there is no where new to go to, nothing new to do, it's either private home parties or this bar or that restaurant!
I really need a break and TRAVEL, seeing new faces, changing the scene, being laid back from home and stress...just nothing to inhibit me. Only me, the sea & fresh air, but I can't even have that; I'll have to tell more and more new lies to my mother and even if I told her the perfect lie(which I easily do lol), I'll be worried about the suspicions that are going on in her mind now after she knew about me...shall I ask my therapist to help me out with that?
Speaking of therapy, I've been diagnosed that I suffer from loneliness, lack of emotional expression(or more specifically, choosing not to), getting around my problems by avoiding to confront or argue & doing what I want in the end via the wrong path, huge rebelling & furious energy trapped inside me behind the curtain of my calming cold nature & mask-like face.
Well, it is true on many levels and it made me discover myself more & more although I disagree about some points.
I'm really loving the therapy, I look forward to every week's session and enjoy talking with my therapist, but have I became a case study? A guy from reuters contacted me months ago to get some information, I've been interviewed by a friend of mine for her masters about the gay community in Egypt(the first big research about that in Egypt & Middle East), I've also been interviewed by a blog reader for her school research, and now another friend wants me to be his case study for his anthropology PHD which is more about homosexuality in Egypt!
I really like to speak out and try to change the tragic stereotype in Egypt about homosexuals but is it that worth it? Has homosexuality became the "It" topic nowadays with the rareness of guys who would speak out(my friend got very disappointed in many guys who refused to speak although they know her very well especially that she has been in the gay scene for 2 years before starting the field work!)?!
Alexandrie anyone?
I really need a break and TRAVEL, seeing new faces, changing the scene, being laid back from home and stress...just nothing to inhibit me. Only me, the sea & fresh air, but I can't even have that; I'll have to tell more and more new lies to my mother and even if I told her the perfect lie(which I easily do lol), I'll be worried about the suspicions that are going on in her mind now after she knew about me...shall I ask my therapist to help me out with that?
Speaking of therapy, I've been diagnosed that I suffer from loneliness, lack of emotional expression(or more specifically, choosing not to), getting around my problems by avoiding to confront or argue & doing what I want in the end via the wrong path, huge rebelling & furious energy trapped inside me behind the curtain of my calming cold nature & mask-like face.
Well, it is true on many levels and it made me discover myself more & more although I disagree about some points.
I'm really loving the therapy, I look forward to every week's session and enjoy talking with my therapist, but have I became a case study? A guy from reuters contacted me months ago to get some information, I've been interviewed by a friend of mine for her masters about the gay community in Egypt(the first big research about that in Egypt & Middle East), I've also been interviewed by a blog reader for her school research, and now another friend wants me to be his case study for his anthropology PHD which is more about homosexuality in Egypt!
I really like to speak out and try to change the tragic stereotype in Egypt about homosexuals but is it that worth it? Has homosexuality became the "It" topic nowadays with the rareness of guys who would speak out(my friend got very disappointed in many guys who refused to speak although they know her very well especially that she has been in the gay scene for 2 years before starting the field work!)?!
Alexandrie anyone?
Monday, February 23, 2009
Beauty and the Priest!
It's been such a long time since I last had a threesome, so when the perfect opportunity found my way I couldn't help but grab it....!
I picked up "X"(background: X is someone I wrote about before in the blog under different nickname but he'll be "X" in this post for his own privacy as some of the readers already know him in real), passed by drinkies to get some booze for the mood-setting as I had to totally block my mind so as to truly know if I still have feelings for X or not specially that I get emotional when I'm drunk!
30 minutes later we were searching for the guy's room(Background: he's a Greek Priest from Alexandria, and he doesn't know that I know that he's a priest lol), knocked the door, a shirtless sexy bearded man welcomed us "Hello boys, come on in!", I quickly finished up the chit chat and then my long tongue was inside his preaching mouth while X was in the bathroom doing god knows what!
We quickly got into the threesome mood(thanks to alcohol); switched positions, places, roles, sandwiches and everything! I couldn't help but wonder what is so aphrodisiac about men of religion?! They are always very sexy in my eyes, even the normal religious guys (see: Religious Fetish!), sometimes I feel that when they fuck me they kinda feel that they are doing Satan and fighting their uncontrolled taboo desire by nailing Satan down! Call me sick, call me lunatic, call me pathetic, call me irresponsible, call me whatever but I really enjoy that! The priest sent me to heaven; he was sitting in front of the room's bureau, fixing a joint, sucking my dick, I was smoking another joint and out of the blue I found myself inside him! Hash in my head, cigarette in my mouth, fucking a priest and in front of the MIRROR! Too much fetishes in one time!
So yeah I got baptized in my very own lust-licious way and I 100% knew that I've utterly no feelings toward X anymore!
I picked up "X"(background: X is someone I wrote about before in the blog under different nickname but he'll be "X" in this post for his own privacy as some of the readers already know him in real), passed by drinkies to get some booze for the mood-setting as I had to totally block my mind so as to truly know if I still have feelings for X or not specially that I get emotional when I'm drunk!
30 minutes later we were searching for the guy's room(Background: he's a Greek Priest from Alexandria, and he doesn't know that I know that he's a priest lol), knocked the door, a shirtless sexy bearded man welcomed us "Hello boys, come on in!", I quickly finished up the chit chat and then my long tongue was inside his preaching mouth while X was in the bathroom doing god knows what!
We quickly got into the threesome mood(thanks to alcohol); switched positions, places, roles, sandwiches and everything! I couldn't help but wonder what is so aphrodisiac about men of religion?! They are always very sexy in my eyes, even the normal religious guys (see: Religious Fetish!), sometimes I feel that when they fuck me they kinda feel that they are doing Satan and fighting their uncontrolled taboo desire by nailing Satan down! Call me sick, call me lunatic, call me pathetic, call me irresponsible, call me whatever but I really enjoy that! The priest sent me to heaven; he was sitting in front of the room's bureau, fixing a joint, sucking my dick, I was smoking another joint and out of the blue I found myself inside him! Hash in my head, cigarette in my mouth, fucking a priest and in front of the MIRROR! Too much fetishes in one time!
So yeah I got baptized in my very own lust-licious way and I 100% knew that I've utterly no feelings toward X anymore!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
What the Fuck @#*^%$^?!!!
NO COMMENT!
It made me laugh my ass out! I remembered when he once asked me when are "Esha" prayers after we just had sex! But, it's just got me; if the one I stayed with for almost a year and few months don't know that I HATE Muslims Brotherhood and I'm not religious to begin with, what does that say about the relationship we had together?!
Anyway, I never believed in being a friend with an ex and this incident proves my point more!
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Happy Independence day!
For all the single ladies and gentlemen out there, wish you a fantabulous Independence day!
For all my ex.dates, ex.bf, promising dates and my beloved friends, wish you a cheerful Valentine's day! But didn't valentine's become too commercial, tacky and cliché?!
Anyway am going on a date tonight with Urban! Yes, believe it or not! He just called me and excused for being in Paris all this time(yeah, RIGHT!), so i'm going to meet him and will revenge in the right moment! I just hope it won't be like Samantha Jones' revenge plan of an ex lol!
For all my ex.dates, ex.bf, promising dates and my beloved friends, wish you a cheerful Valentine's day! But didn't valentine's become too commercial, tacky and cliché?!
Anyway am going on a date tonight with Urban! Yes, believe it or not! He just called me and excused for being in Paris all this time(yeah, RIGHT!), so i'm going to meet him and will revenge in the right moment! I just hope it won't be like Samantha Jones' revenge plan of an ex lol!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Life theater!
Scene I:
At "Um El Masryeen" hospital, one of Egypt's dusty antiques, waiting for the lousy doctor to show up, most of the class are girls, it's always interesting to secretly follow their conversations specially the ones between those ugly veiled geeky girls, they are jokingly fighting now over each others' parts of today's presentation, not only they recite the research but also they keep drafts between the papers of the research so as to aid them during their speech!
I always wondered why these girls are taking all college-related stuff too serious?! This whole presentation/research will provide them with a bloody 5 marks max! Sometimes I like to examine their IQ and they never failed to disappoint me, they are not that smart, they are just a walking parrot who study and recited dozens of information without even comprehending it!
On the other hand, most of them come from the country side with no social life, so I guess they take college too serious so as to compensate their socially unfulfilled life or their lack of self-fulfillment, they want to prove to themselves & the world that they are out there and they are important!
I am not saying that we shouldn't take college seriously, but be normal! Chill out, make friends(who have more things to talk about other than Doctors, subjects & studying), go to movies, check art exhibitions and live your life any way you like and in the same time be as bright as you can and try to understand what you are studying and reciting! Unfort. people like that are the ones who score in our rotten corrupted educational system of Egypt!
Scene II:
Parked my car beside the subway station to avoid the heavy traffic from the hospital to college, always loved taking the subway though it is very crowded & smelly but I see it as a big open theater, you can witness the huge diversity; all social classes of each race from the beard guy with shortened slack of pants to the bourgeoisie girl! you get the feeling that the platforms are the behind scenes, tube driver is the director, passengers are the cast, their conversations are the scenario, life is the author and you are the only spectactor! so here you go one funny conversation:
- Howa kowayes...3arees kowayes tab3an...bass fi 3eeb kedda! [He's nice...good future husband...but there is something wrong]
# Eh? [What?]
- 3ando "soba3" zeyada fi eido el chemal! [He's an extra finger in his left hand]
# Yakhti!!...khadeteeni!! Dana olt hat2ooli fi neseeba(wa de7ket de7ka khabeesa wa baladi kedda)..e3tebreeh "obtion" zeyada ya 3enaya! [Oh! You scared me, i thought it's something big(laughing a slutty laugh)..consider it an extra option, darling!]
Scene III:
Arrived to college, looked at the regular model of guys & girls, the Egyptian-tanned guy with too much cheaply glowing waxed hair, dirty trimmed beard(and not in the good way), big shades which he attends most of the lectures with(and am sure he doesn't take it off when he goes inside city stars mall in the morning), pumped pecs, tight t-shirt to complete & expose the summer-worked-out-body shape, tight jeans with hideous drawings near the back pockets & ripped at the knees, dark jacket, long necklace, tight leather belt with big "Energie" buckle, a cigarette in one hand and Nokia mobile in the other hand, MP3 headphones descending around his neck, usually listening to Tamer Hosny on his mobile loud speakers! you can meet bunch of guys everywhere who look like LAMEr Hosny, no wonder they call him "Star of Generation"!
And most of the girls are veiled with very tight jeans or bermuda jeans, the noisy colours of her veil(which looks as if it's wrapping a gift not her face) usually match with the eye blinding colours of her body carina, wearing too much make-up & perfume and too many necklaces around her neck to sneak out from her veil!
Meanwhile, girls who wear Niqab are easily spotted, they all look the same; aggressive, criticizing everything and judging all people as athiests, always ready to preach everything that is religion-related as she believes that she knows better than anyone in religion once she wore a dark garbage bag that only shows her eyes making me feel scared of her and doubting if she is a spy male or a human bomb which will explode at any second to clean the college and society from the sons of monkeys and pigs!
You can also notice the rare breed of unveiled girls(usually christians), they always have this long old-fashioned straightened hair or doing a pony tail with scrunchie, wearing very ordinary mismatched outfit and yellowish accessories!
At "Um El Masryeen" hospital, one of Egypt's dusty antiques, waiting for the lousy doctor to show up, most of the class are girls, it's always interesting to secretly follow their conversations specially the ones between those ugly veiled geeky girls, they are jokingly fighting now over each others' parts of today's presentation, not only they recite the research but also they keep drafts between the papers of the research so as to aid them during their speech!
I always wondered why these girls are taking all college-related stuff too serious?! This whole presentation/research will provide them with a bloody 5 marks max! Sometimes I like to examine their IQ and they never failed to disappoint me, they are not that smart, they are just a walking parrot who study and recited dozens of information without even comprehending it!
On the other hand, most of them come from the country side with no social life, so I guess they take college too serious so as to compensate their socially unfulfilled life or their lack of self-fulfillment, they want to prove to themselves & the world that they are out there and they are important!
I am not saying that we shouldn't take college seriously, but be normal! Chill out, make friends(who have more things to talk about other than Doctors, subjects & studying), go to movies, check art exhibitions and live your life any way you like and in the same time be as bright as you can and try to understand what you are studying and reciting! Unfort. people like that are the ones who score in our rotten corrupted educational system of Egypt!
Scene II:
Parked my car beside the subway station to avoid the heavy traffic from the hospital to college, always loved taking the subway though it is very crowded & smelly but I see it as a big open theater, you can witness the huge diversity; all social classes of each race from the beard guy with shortened slack of pants to the bourgeoisie girl! you get the feeling that the platforms are the behind scenes, tube driver is the director, passengers are the cast, their conversations are the scenario, life is the author and you are the only spectactor! so here you go one funny conversation:
- Howa kowayes...3arees kowayes tab3an...bass fi 3eeb kedda! [He's nice...good future husband...but there is something wrong]
# Eh? [What?]
- 3ando "soba3" zeyada fi eido el chemal! [He's an extra finger in his left hand]
# Yakhti!!...khadeteeni!! Dana olt hat2ooli fi neseeba(wa de7ket de7ka khabeesa wa baladi kedda)..e3tebreeh "obtion" zeyada ya 3enaya! [Oh! You scared me, i thought it's something big(laughing a slutty laugh)..consider it an extra option, darling!]
Scene III:
Arrived to college, looked at the regular model of guys & girls, the Egyptian-tanned guy with too much cheaply glowing waxed hair, dirty trimmed beard(and not in the good way), big shades which he attends most of the lectures with(and am sure he doesn't take it off when he goes inside city stars mall in the morning), pumped pecs, tight t-shirt to complete & expose the summer-worked-out-body shape, tight jeans with hideous drawings near the back pockets & ripped at the knees, dark jacket, long necklace, tight leather belt with big "Energie" buckle, a cigarette in one hand and Nokia mobile in the other hand, MP3 headphones descending around his neck, usually listening to Tamer Hosny on his mobile loud speakers! you can meet bunch of guys everywhere who look like LAMEr Hosny, no wonder they call him "Star of Generation"!
And most of the girls are veiled with very tight jeans or bermuda jeans, the noisy colours of her veil(which looks as if it's wrapping a gift not her face) usually match with the eye blinding colours of her body carina, wearing too much make-up & perfume and too many necklaces around her neck to sneak out from her veil!
Meanwhile, girls who wear Niqab are easily spotted, they all look the same; aggressive, criticizing everything and judging all people as athiests, always ready to preach everything that is religion-related as she believes that she knows better than anyone in religion once she wore a dark garbage bag that only shows her eyes making me feel scared of her and doubting if she is a spy male or a human bomb which will explode at any second to clean the college and society from the sons of monkeys and pigs!
You can also notice the rare breed of unveiled girls(usually christians), they always have this long old-fashioned straightened hair or doing a pony tail with scrunchie, wearing very ordinary mismatched outfit and yellowish accessories!
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Messages from a heart to heart!
....Listening to Fairuz's relaxing songs, reflecting a bit, missing sitting by the sea side, missing wintery Alexandria, couldn't help but think about some people so I thought of writting these messages to them, no matter if they will read it or not, understand it or not, appreciate it or not and if I'll be fair enough to them or not!
To André, my Italian guarding angel:
You already know that you are very special and important in my life, I really can't wait for you to come back again to Cairo, you are such a pure and mature person, you are always there whenever I need you, when I need to talk with someone with no agenda, to whine about any trivial hideous thing that bothers me, you never failed to boost my self-esteem and my self-confidence whenever I needed!
I owe you too much!
To Claude, my ex.BF:
Getting over you was not that easy, finding someone else is still not that easy, am not sure if you caused some trust issues trauma for me or not, increased my commitment issues or not, you made me doubt if you ever loved me! How many other guys did you cheat on me with?! you really proved to me that bed language is the most spoken and comprehendible language ever, provided that you only speak French & German(which I doubt too)!
But regardless what happened between us, I google you every now and then to check on you and keep myself posted with ur latest news!
You indirectly made me much more stronger after I broke up with you & broke my heart, so thank you for that! =)
To Ezzie, my eccentric morbid friend:
I know what I'll write won't be very expressive, you are my relationships/dating guru, you are the first one I run to whenever I wanted to talk about someone I'd date or someone am thinking about a little bit too much, I always wondered how someone relatively young could be that mature, intellectual, sophisticated(in the good way =P) and well cultured?! You always impress me with your mental abilities, your intelligence and your uniqueness!
Altough sometimes I get this feeling that you don't care that much about our friendship or that am one of your priorities and that you are a virgo bitch, but I love you and am very thankful to have you in my life!
To Gaby, bad Gee:
I wish I had known you earlies, I still can't remember when and how we first met lol, you are really one of a kind, you never failed to magically draw a smile on my face or make me laugh out loud from the bottom of my cold heart chambers, you are such an easy-going person, very clear and not complicated!
Keep rocking my life like the party dive you really are!
To K!, my unidentified relationship:
We are not friends as I still want you on bed, we are not lovers, we are not fuck buddies and we are not dating, so what are we?!
I love to be around you although you don't take steps and neither do I, I guess we are truely Scorpios about that like what Ezzie told me once before about what Scorpios deal with people: "You keep staying there until I decide what to do with you!", I get very jealous whenever I feel that someone would grab you out of my grip, donno if it is part of my possessive nature or not but I just can't imagine you with someone else!
You'd be surprised how much I miss you these days! Maybe because you are away? I'm scared that I'd tell you very soon that I love you.....!
To Karim El Werdany(Mohamed), my missing friend:
I'm dieing to know where the hell are you? I still remember our last phone call 3 years ago when you told me that you came out to your parents and then you suddenly DISAPPEARED!
I guess you traveled to your father in Switzerland! I still have your number and I call you every now and then in an ultimate desperate hope to find your number in service again!
I wish I could just see you or talk to you again! I hope you are doing well and happy in your life!
To Spectacular, my literally spectacular friend:
You have no idea how much I miss you now after you are gone! I never needed to explain myself or anything to you, you always understood me, we have a great bond that nothing would dare to break it even with an evil vicious catalyst!
I never imagined that we would get that close when I first met you, the conversation we had over late lunch at San Stefano mall, what you were wearing that day...I still remember everything as if it happened yesterday!
I miss our days together, the non-stop fun, the endless conversations and EVERYTHING!
Please bring those days back ASAP!
To someone I sleep with:
You made me re-discover the sexual me, you disclosed my deepest black desires, I would never get of your nectar but I can never date you or befriend with you!
I couldn't help but wonder, shouldn't we be in love with the person that we've great sexual chemistry with? The person we fantasize about in the most sleazy scenarios when we masturbate?!...But yeah, unfort. sex is not everything!
P.S: The messages are in an alphabetical order =P
To be continued one day, maybe....!
To André, my Italian guarding angel:
You already know that you are very special and important in my life, I really can't wait for you to come back again to Cairo, you are such a pure and mature person, you are always there whenever I need you, when I need to talk with someone with no agenda, to whine about any trivial hideous thing that bothers me, you never failed to boost my self-esteem and my self-confidence whenever I needed!
I owe you too much!
To Claude, my ex.BF:
Getting over you was not that easy, finding someone else is still not that easy, am not sure if you caused some trust issues trauma for me or not, increased my commitment issues or not, you made me doubt if you ever loved me! How many other guys did you cheat on me with?! you really proved to me that bed language is the most spoken and comprehendible language ever, provided that you only speak French & German(which I doubt too)!
But regardless what happened between us, I google you every now and then to check on you and keep myself posted with ur latest news!
You indirectly made me much more stronger after I broke up with you & broke my heart, so thank you for that! =)
To Ezzie, my eccentric morbid friend:
I know what I'll write won't be very expressive, you are my relationships/dating guru, you are the first one I run to whenever I wanted to talk about someone I'd date or someone am thinking about a little bit too much, I always wondered how someone relatively young could be that mature, intellectual, sophisticated(in the good way =P) and well cultured?! You always impress me with your mental abilities, your intelligence and your uniqueness!
Altough sometimes I get this feeling that you don't care that much about our friendship or that am one of your priorities and that you are a virgo bitch, but I love you and am very thankful to have you in my life!
To Gaby, bad Gee:
I wish I had known you earlies, I still can't remember when and how we first met lol, you are really one of a kind, you never failed to magically draw a smile on my face or make me laugh out loud from the bottom of my cold heart chambers, you are such an easy-going person, very clear and not complicated!
Keep rocking my life like the party dive you really are!
To K!, my unidentified relationship:
We are not friends as I still want you on bed, we are not lovers, we are not fuck buddies and we are not dating, so what are we?!
I love to be around you although you don't take steps and neither do I, I guess we are truely Scorpios about that like what Ezzie told me once before about what Scorpios deal with people: "You keep staying there until I decide what to do with you!", I get very jealous whenever I feel that someone would grab you out of my grip, donno if it is part of my possessive nature or not but I just can't imagine you with someone else!
You'd be surprised how much I miss you these days! Maybe because you are away? I'm scared that I'd tell you very soon that I love you.....!
To Karim El Werdany(Mohamed), my missing friend:
I'm dieing to know where the hell are you? I still remember our last phone call 3 years ago when you told me that you came out to your parents and then you suddenly DISAPPEARED!
I guess you traveled to your father in Switzerland! I still have your number and I call you every now and then in an ultimate desperate hope to find your number in service again!
I wish I could just see you or talk to you again! I hope you are doing well and happy in your life!
To Spectacular, my literally spectacular friend:
You have no idea how much I miss you now after you are gone! I never needed to explain myself or anything to you, you always understood me, we have a great bond that nothing would dare to break it even with an evil vicious catalyst!
I never imagined that we would get that close when I first met you, the conversation we had over late lunch at San Stefano mall, what you were wearing that day...I still remember everything as if it happened yesterday!
I miss our days together, the non-stop fun, the endless conversations and EVERYTHING!
Please bring those days back ASAP!
To someone I sleep with:
You made me re-discover the sexual me, you disclosed my deepest black desires, I would never get of your nectar but I can never date you or befriend with you!
I couldn't help but wonder, shouldn't we be in love with the person that we've great sexual chemistry with? The person we fantasize about in the most sleazy scenarios when we masturbate?!...But yeah, unfort. sex is not everything!
P.S: The messages are in an alphabetical order =P
To be continued one day, maybe....!
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