Thou hast the keys of Paradise; Oh, just sex and mighty cocaine!

Thursday 1AM, in a bar in Maadi with some friends, chitchatting with them, sipping my drink, heard my mobile pronouncing a ringtone that it hadn't play long time ago, I grabbed it, inhaled my Kent6 and read Mr.B's message "Do u wanna fuck", I wasn't surprised as I was expecting that kind of message from him after his tragic float on my life's surface back again and while putting my phone back on the table, the ringtone played again so I quickly read his message "Ill kiss", I got strayed with my emotions and thoughts; is he that desperate? When has sex became a deal for him, that he has to give up something in return so he can seal the deal?! Do I really feel like seeing him again anyway?!!
I didn't reply and I let go the whole dilemma but I told one of my friends(and also a dear blog reader) about it, so he told me "If you are emotionally fragile these days, then don't go!"..I just smiled and knew that I wouldn't be able to explain myself(don't have the energy to do that already) and it is not about emotions for starters!

1:30AM, the waiter kindly asked if we want to order anything as it's the last order, so we ordered the cheque and my "ID/It" started to order my "Super-ego" to let go!
So we left and I texted "B" informing him that I'm coming only If it is going to be GREAT sex as I'll drive all the distance from Maadi to Nasr City and back to Maadi again!

2:00AM, waiting in front of his apartment, the door slowely opened and the same figure that I saw last time was standing there; nothing changed about his body shape, attitude or life style, his mother's TV is still on in her room as usual. His room is still pretty much the same; clothes randomly everywhere, Heineken cans all over the space, joints & cigs left-overs, some Economy books and the laptop is on as usual!
I sat down in my everytime's exact part of the couch, lit one of the joints, he was still silent, I wondered why he didn't lock the door, he told me that he is waiting for his dealer to come by so he'll lock it after, I looked at the joint between my long fingers and the ones on the table, so I quickly asked why don't you score tomorrow instead of scoring that late and get risky?! He smiled and said that he is waiting his other stuff's dealer! I put a wicked fake grin on my face and heard a voice deep inside me saying "Shit! He's back on track crack!"....So I quickly dropped the subject and we then talked about some general stuff and what we've been up to...etc

2:15AM, he scored and got back to the room with a white stuff in his hand grip and not on a white horse as my slightly stoned imagination was sarcastically drawing(when you smoke herbs, it reveals you to yourself!), he sat by his desk and started fixing the powder to shortly make the lines, I approached and watched him in excitement as it's my first time ever to witness such a thing, I loved watching what he's doing; liked the ceremony, the ritual of preparing cocaine as much as watching him doing it. I got so tempted to try it, I felt like a kid in front of a jar of candies, I was afraid, curious, excited and thrilled, all in the same time!
I couldn't hold the gulp forming in my throat anymore so I spat it out "B, Can I try? What does coke make you feel?" He went explaining the whole difference between coke and hash but I wasn't listening as much as I was listening to my "It/ID"!
So I ended up sniffing my first line; when it snows in your nose and you catch cold in your brain!

We got back to the couch, making out, eventually got naked and I was surprisingly enjoying every moment of it! He wanted to sniff another line and I couldn't agree more, he fixed a small line for me, I bent over the desk to sniff it, he became behind my back and hold me tightly..it was SO erotic! I donno why I got fucking turned on by his move! Is it the "taboo" feeling? as I felt the same feeling when I first had sex!

Anyway I didn't like cocaine that much, donno if it is because I was already stoned or because I got trapped in my mind with various thoughts..coke truely magnifies your personality!
I just didn't like to escape my reality this way, perhaps we are all refugees from something, but I wouldn't need coke to make me see that there is nothing to fear. that the world we hold into, the lives we cherish, are a part of something greater, something more....something I can't see clearly!
Am I making any sense?!

One straight diet & a family combo plz!

*Hello
-Good Afternoon sir, thank you for calling pseudo-hetero restaurants, How can I help you today?
*Hmm..I donno, I'm confused what to order.
-Would you like to have something cold & vicious or something warm & happily ever after?
*I've been ordering the cold & vicious mealls from pseudo-homo, your sister restaurant, for the past years so I guess I'm done with it and will take the warm & happily ever after meal for change!
-Perfect choice sir, let me revise the order with you plz.
*Sure!
-You've ordered one straight diet and one family combo.
*Yes.
-Do you want some extra children with the order?
*No, thanks.
-Okay sir, that will cost you all your gay friends, your gay life and identity.
*Okay, no problems.
-30 minutes and your illusion, ehem sorry your order will be delivered, thank you for calling pseudo-hetero restaurants and waiting for your next call.
*Welcome, bye.

I've nothing to say after what I've heard last night! I never saw it coming! I'd have believed it if they told me that my sister became lesbian but would never believe it if they told me that my LEO Jordanian friend became straight!!!1!

Few days after not answering my calls or SMSs, he switched his mobile off! but oh, to be fair, he picked up one time & immediately hang up when he heard my voice!...I didn't give it much thinking in the beginning as I thought maybe he's busy or something, until I bumped into a mutual friend's status on FB and found that he likes her status so I thought of checking his news feed but little did I know that he fucking removed me from his list!!
I quickly texted my friend "S." & explained the situation wondering if he knows anything about him, so he checked and found that he removed ALL of his gay friends and gay acquaintances from his friend list. I instantly sent him a msg on FB checking on him and wondering about what's going on and I also sent the same msg to our mutual friend(the one with the status):
Me: Hey sweety, hru? [My friend's name] removed me frm fb and doesnt answer my calls =S do u know anything abt him or y he did that? =(
Her: he did that with all the gays ..he became straight now and he is dating a very very beautiful gurl and he is going to marry her..i hope u do the same aswell :_)
Me: Interesting!
Where [his BF name] go? Did he become str8 cuz they broke up masalan? =S
Mesh 3aref ya [her name] bass el mawdou3 gharib ya3ni, it cant happen in one night!
Thx dear 4 replying =*
Her: no he left him and decided to be str8 to be able to live in this life and make a family
Me: I know dear that enti malkish zanb 2 tell u so, but plz tell him that i wish him the best in whatever he chose and i need at least 2 meet him 4 the last time 4 the sake of the friendship we once had! I don't even deserve a good bye?!!
Her: u cant meet him ya [my name] at least not now his mom is in egypt
Me: Eb2i khaleeh yekalemni tayeb =S

So C'est tout?! That's all I get? No bloody explanation? If I went to his apartment, would he close the door in front of me?!...I'm so disappointed, we shared a lot together and he already passed the whole "Sexuality confusion" phase LONG time ago! But still, If he chose to be the S word, why would he cast me away of his life in a blink of an eye like that?!! Was our sexual orientation the only only thing we had in common?! OMG!
I know that the gay scene and society in Egypt is not encouraging at all, but If you get fed up with it, you just leave the country or stop meeting guys or whatever!

But NO, I won't surrender, I'll go to his apartment, I'll do my best to get his ex.BF's contacts and call him! I SHOULD MEET HIM! and I deserve at least a fucking goodbye!

I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!

I'm not being myself lately, I feel strayed, I started to catch the symptoms of having a psychiatric therapy, It started screwing up my brain; making me question my believes, my codes, my thoughts, my concepts...everything. Making me see the whole picture and the tiny details of my life that I unintentionally disregarded. Making me DOUBT everything(and Leos r the best in that!)!!

I started to dislike my relation with my mother more(and eventually hating my mother herself), hating my father's passiveness, becoming pessimistic, boring me of my god damn cold nature, pointing at every flaw in me and my life...I just can't take it anymore, I don't want to continue the therapy, I don't think I need it but I already trapped myself, I can't go back now, I'm scared to confront my parents with that, scared of the consequences and don't want to disturb the somehow peaceful balance I made after the dilemma of being out of parents' closet!

I couldn't do my assignment of writing down my everyday's different emotion, I already embraced the fact that am an emotionless cold natured bitch long time ago and I don't need a daily reminder of that fact.....I just can't do it.

I'm on the edge of falling into a severe depression and little did I know that it's the ironically perfect timing for Mr.B to appear in my life back again as If I need more corruption in my system!

P.S: this blog may so soon shutdown due to the hateful daily reminder that I ran out of interesting men to write about!

100 years of iso-sex-lation!

Have you ever silently in the crowd looked at your family members or your colleagues or your people in general and thought that you don't belong to them(and not cuz i'm homo)? to this place? to this society? this country? this life?! That you utterly don't/can't fit in and you are not appreciated enough?
Do you always get provoked by their opinions, their thoughts, their double standards, their prejudice to what you are going to say or trying to explain and simply they don't get your jokes & neither you do?!
How many times you tried to adapt and failed? How hard did you try? How often do you rethink if is it all worth any effort? Would that make you feel lonely?! Is that what am going through and causing my loneliness sometimes? Am I really lonely?! Was my shrink's impression/diagnosis last session right? That I'm lonely and miserable?! Would my claimed acute promiscuous life style indirectly induce that? Am I that promiscuous to begin with(he wants me to take a sex addiction test lol)?!

I've recently been considering to only sleep with guys that I'd be seeing or dating & to reduce/stop the random sex, my shrink affirmed that too(Gee! I just said "My shrink said.."!!)...but is it really true that I'd find love if I did that? less thinking about sex will restore thinking about finding love or at least will achieve some balance between the two powers/desires?! Shall I surrender and give up my concept that love should find my way and not vice versa?
And If all of that came true & miracle happened, can I maintain a relationship? With all my committment issues and my unindependent life?! Where is prince charming aslan(if he exists)?! There is only prince harming PERIOD.

Random Thoughts

I've been so bored recently and strayed with my thoughts. Random ones about life, friends, future and many other things, my life became so routine these days; college in the morning then having a nap at home then watching TV or playing on the PC then the day repeats itself all over again in the next day until the weekend when I hang out with friends but even going out became so boring; there is no where new to go to, nothing new to do, it's either private home parties or this bar or that restaurant!
I really need a break and TRAVEL, seeing new faces, changing the scene, being laid back from home and stress...just nothing to inhibit me. Only me, the sea & fresh air, but I can't even have that; I'll have to tell more and more new lies to my mother and even if I told her the perfect lie(which I easily do lol), I'll be worried about the suspicions that are going on in her mind now after she knew about me...shall I ask my therapist to help me out with that?

Speaking of therapy, I've been diagnosed that I suffer from loneliness, lack of emotional expression(or more specifically, choosing not to), getting around my problems by avoiding to confront or argue & doing what I want in the end via the wrong path, huge rebelling & furious energy trapped inside me behind the curtain of my calming cold nature & mask-like face.
Well, it is true on many levels and it made me discover myself more & more although I disagree about some points.
I'm really loving the therapy, I look forward to every week's session and enjoy talking with my therapist, but have I became a case study? A guy from reuters contacted me months ago to get some information, I've been interviewed by a friend of mine for her masters about the gay community in Egypt(the first big research about that in Egypt & Middle East), I've also been interviewed by a blog reader for her school research, and now another friend wants me to be his case study for his anthropology PHD which is more about homosexuality in Egypt!
I really like to speak out and try to change the tragic stereotype in Egypt about homosexuals but is it that worth it? Has homosexuality became the "It" topic nowadays with the rareness of guys who would speak out(my friend got very disappointed in many guys who refused to speak although they know her very well especially that she has been in the gay scene for 2 years before starting the field work!)?!

Alexandrie anyone?

Beauty and the Priest!

It's been such a long time since I last had a threesome, so when the perfect opportunity found my way I couldn't help but grab it....!
I picked up "X"(background: X is someone I wrote about before in the blog under different nickname but he'll be "X" in this post for his own privacy as some of the readers already know him in real), passed by drinkies to get some booze for the mood-setting as I had to totally block my mind so as to truly know if I still have feelings for X or not specially that I get emotional when I'm drunk!
30 minutes later we were searching for the guy's room(Background: he's a Greek Priest from Alexandria, and he doesn't know that I know that he's a priest lol), knocked the door, a shirtless sexy bearded man welcomed us "Hello boys, come on in!", I quickly finished up the chit chat and then my long tongue was inside his preaching mouth while X was in the bathroom doing god knows what!
We quickly got into the threesome mood(thanks to alcohol); switched positions, places, roles, sandwiches and everything! I couldn't help but wonder what is so aphrodisiac about men of religion?! They are always very sexy in my eyes, even the normal religious guys (see: Religious Fetish!), sometimes I feel that when they fuck me they kinda feel that they are doing Satan and fighting their uncontrolled taboo desire by nailing Satan down! Call me sick, call me lunatic, call me pathetic, call me irresponsible, call me whatever but I really enjoy that! The priest sent me to heaven; he was sitting in front of the room's bureau, fixing a joint, sucking my dick, I was smoking another joint and out of the blue I found myself inside him! Hash in my head, cigarette in my mouth, fucking a priest and in front of the MIRROR! Too much fetishes in one time!

So yeah I got baptized in my very own lust-licious way and I 100% knew that I've utterly no feelings toward X anymore!

What the Fuck @#*^%$^?!!!

NO COMMENT!

It made me laugh my ass out! I remembered when he once asked me when are "Esha" prayers after we just had sex! But, it's just got me; if the one I stayed with for almost a year and few months don't know that I HATE Muslims Brotherhood and I'm not religious to begin with, what does that say about the relationship we had together?!

Anyway, I never believed in being a friend with an ex and this incident proves my point more!