Wrinkle wrinkle little scar!

Yesterday 7th of July was the first anniversary of my blog, it felt so weird but in a good way, I read my previous and felt that it was someone else who wrote them, I never thought that my blog would last that long(45 posts of 11,061 total page views & 6,834 total visits!), I've never ever thought that one day I'd write anything but my blogging experience always surprised!
So I decided not to write about my life for a change and dedicate this post for my readers, those who always left comments on my different posts, who made me think, laugh, blush, doubt, wake up & change.
The comments will be posted on two posts because they are too many(it was hard to pick only these comments from all the amount of comments)!

i love the way you show no mercy
an inspiration to everyone out there!!
By Convict on "What the fuck has Jesus to do with it?!"

I love the words
This one of the best. Especially when u burried the words inside him, Thank god u burried it there, and hope its just gone there
By Anonymous on "The worst hangover ever: The Bonus sex!"

I definitely understand the lower-middle class attraction. There's something about a grimy place in a god forsaken area that's an instant aphrodisiac haha.
By Anonymous on "Social class gap: Double dating!"

I think we already established that the argument of taxonomy of sexual pathologies is outdated. By at least a hundred years. So while some people here might think they are keeping up, they are using a Western moral discourse, that even the Wes abondened.
How original is that?
Can't you come up with your own "terms" or definitions? Why use scientific Latin to speak about "our morality"?
Assuming we are a Muslim, Middle Eastern, Arabic society?
And you know whats funny?
Discussing desire is not new to this society.
You know what I would like to see?
If one person, one person who writes one of these bigoted comments was educated at all.
But alas! Everyone who reads this blog, and wants to stand for the moral, upright nature of this society is grossly misinformed.
Read your own history darling, then come discuss desire and sexuality.
Instead of borrowing hackneyed, overused, obsolete moral discourses.
Which is I think is hysterically funny!
Now, how about you go fuck yourself, which I don't think you know how, because you are, surprise surprise, shy!
By E on "Pansexuality should be the Future's label!"

Give the comment above an award. It's like they forgot the sex-mad poets we had in the Middle Ages... When it was shameful to show an ankle in the west.
By Anonymous on "Pansexuality should be the Future's label!"

this touched me in a way i can not explain .
xoxo
By S. on "Ice queer? Ah OUI!"

ok.. i've just came accross ur blog, only cause u replied to a post on scene and heard that i left...
if i had ever met you we would be great friends (sorry, no testise in this premises-only vaginal instruments, that havent been working for quiet sometime)
ur thoughts are liberating, entertaining and touching...
be who u r... learn from ur mistakes... and always be true to urself...
bravo begad...
a potential fan...

SMF
By Anonymous on "Ice queer? Ah OUI!"

Awesome! I could taste the mixture of drinks, hash and lust as I went through your short entry.
Can't wait for the rest!
By Lou on "Would you pretend we're only friends if I kissed you?"

Well I think age has nothing to do with it. And no, it might not be that great dating someone who's just you in everyway, ofcourse you have to be ''on the same level'' but he doesn't have to be that similar to you, you know? Because you'd still feel something is missing and all would turn to be too boring after a while.

Undefined relations are the most complicated. Be careful not to get so carried away with your feelings. Enjoy your time. Don't hurt yourself and have things always under control.

Peace.
By Gia on "The truce hurts!"

Mr.Right Now.
Enjoy it until it lasts.
It will end. Everything does.
Squeeze its juice, and enjoy the drunken lusts for no matter how long it comes.
By ... and then God created Men! on "The truce hurts!"

My friend, and I am calling you friend because for some weird reason I can relate to most of your posts. I just wish I can explore more sides in you than your dating/sex life. and I am sure you have more things to offer.
Everyone is unique in some way or another, so yeah, you are different in your own way and hopefully oneday I will get to have a real life conversation with you
By cairodude on "The truce hurts!"

Now this is a VERY interesting topic to read, especially those first lines.
Being a good writer, why don't you elaborate more about the reasons of what you felt, rather than telling us what those feelings where.
Everyone in your place would feel humiliated and broken, but why ? everyone has his own reasons, and you, have different reasons. Explain them.

P.S: It's not that easy in developed countries to sue people, it's not like what you see in theaters, and believe me this ain't the problem, any man would react differently, if he was here in Egypt, or even in Switzerland.
By Anonymous on "Steaming out!"

I'm highly against medications, i've been on them for too long and i hated every minute of it, somehow i prefer to live with my "madness" and i am ready to die because of it rather than to be dulled out by medications, they slowly killed me inside. Some shrinks do prescribe drugs to cure homosexuality by the way, they kill your sex drive to ensure your abstinence.For a therapy to work though, you need a full collaboration between you and your doctor, so don't listen to opinions, pace yourself according to your feelings and needs,get all the information you need about what you both will do and how will it affect your life and make conscious choices. This day is all that is promised to you, live it right.
Good luck.
By Anonymous on "Officially OUT!"

This post made me smile, do u really think that a doctor that experienced (or anyone as a a matter of fact) would really buy that you met only two gay guys, just for a coffee and that you wonder if there are guys feeling the same and that the only thing he would doubt of would be if u kissed a guy on the lips?!!!
I agree with S, it's useless to lie, it will just make the process longer, i believe u have to choose your way, u either stand for your position or you get back in the closet as that guy with the weird name told u (the one in the previous post) (which entails lying, of course).
There is one last possibility though, but i believe it won't be received popularly in this blog; did u ever think to actually try that therapy? I mean you sound like you reached a good point of acceptance of your sexuality, so i don't think talks and mind games would actually push you back to the place where you hate yourself for liking men, i mean what do u have to lose? if it works you will have known that you had unresolved problems, if it doesn't, you can honestly tell your parents "i tried and it didn't work out" and you can all move on together, in any case, you would have actually made a journey of self discovery with yourself, you'd have stripped off all of the masks/roles you ever wore/played, even with your own self and found out the true you. As S said, this is a good chance (S we agree so much, we should date!), not because of the talking, but because you are in a place were you can question everything you think and everything you think you believe/feel, (even your own moral code, your darkest deeds/secret desires that you never shared, not even with your best friend) and watch it from an external point of view, once it is out there, abstract, it becomes a matter of discussion between you and your doctor.
My biggest advice if u chose this last option is to refrain from judging, opposing and refusing anything the doctor says, just absorb it and weigh it. I was a fighter with my psychiatric i'd attack and defend and only recently i realized that i was afraid, afraid that he might be right, that he might say something that would make me realize i wasn't really gay, I was afraid of that because it had taken me too long to accept my sexuality as a nature and not as a choice, that if i had found out that that wasn't true i'd have no excuse for my "immoral" actions, only now i realize that back then, even if i dated, had sex and thought i was happy being gay, in fact i still considered it deep in my subconscious as something terribly wrong.
Face yourself nordine, it's scary, but it frees you ; "...and the truth will set you free"
By Z(aka XY) on "Therapy session #1"

Should I break the news and tell you that he is playing with you or you have already sensed it? Starting from his disappearance two years ago and then claiming that he vaguely remembered you and bieng suprised you still remember his no and all that bla bla bla.

I would say that most of the infos he gave you about himself is not correct either.

And by the way he only insisted once to meet you when he already felt that you wouldn't be able to make it. Corny trick.

If you realize it but you are still keen to pursue it, fine, but if you have the illusion that there is some "miscommunication" somewhere then you just need a reality slap!

Suribal
By Suribal on "The number you've dialled is not in service, ANYMORE!"

I enjoyed reading ur story, I guess ill call u whenever I need to make some1 change his number.
Anyway, he sounds kind of familiar, does his name start with M.N.?
save ur time and look for NORMAL guys
loved ur story ;)
By Spectacular on "The number you've dialled is not in service, ANYMORE!"

when i had those days struggling with myself ..i met a guy i wasn`t so young , i was almost 22 .. he was the first guy i`ve ever met in my life .. i felt guilty for only seein him and i met him another time , i made some excuses to end it up(tho it didn`t start even).
i told him i`ll change bla bla bla
he told me that his friends tried with well known and famous psychaetrists and it never worked which means ,forget it .. anyway years passed and once i chatted with the owner of this blog , nordine and i felt sorry cos i met queeny like guy (at a friend`s place) and felt sorry i`m gay .. nordine told me in words ( i thought u passed this period of ur life) he meant i`m old now and i`m supposed to be over such thoughts and i`m supposed to know what i really want now .. i thought he passed the same period too ..
but my question for u nordine if it happens to read this ., do u want to be str8 ? expecting it to work after all those experiences , ur life with guys was long phone calls and with girls was only missed calls.
anyway what i know about physical dependance in homosexuality cases makes me believe it is hard to stop the feeling .. may be u can stop the action but the feeling will be always in u .. and oneday u may explode or live ur life frustrated cos u fear god (maybe in some cases) or ur family society etc .. finally ur life will pass and u lose .. so the earlier u know what u want the more happiness u can get ..
wish u good luck with ur experience at a shrink`s
By Anonymous on "And the therapy continues....Coming Clean!"


I like your blog it is very frank I think that in itself is therapy I am glad you do not think there is something wrong with you do not let anyone tell you other wise :)
By Paul on "And the therapy continues....Coming Clean!"

Loool @ love to revenge
I've been fwded this on FB. I hate to fill these things up
U forgot to mention ur Samira Said performance :)
I've just discovered that I could a feed for this blog to my RSS app on my iPhone. Bathroom time never been more fun :P I read all ur posts.
One last thing. By all means, u r ICE QUEEN
By Spectacular on "25 things about me!"

I'll just point out a few sentences I particularly liked :
I always wondered why these girls are taking all college-related stuff too serious?!

"they are not that smart, they are just a walking parrot "

"guys everywhere who look like LAMEr Hosny"

Now don't You feel you sound a bit :
"aggressive, criticizing everything and judging all people"

and that you are not letting others:
"live your life any way you like"

Ice queer, you might think this is to attack you but in fact it isn't, could easily spot those sentences because i used to (and still do at times) do exactly the same, in my quest of claiming my freedom of choice and difference I let my ego take over and i became the know it all laughing at all the idiocy i see around.

Balance, my friend, balance, their being wrong won't make you more right by the least bit.
By Blog Reader on "Life theater!"

I loved this post,you didn't filter your thoughts so this is what made it interesting.
Anyways, I am gonna say this, just think if you were reincarnated as someone else, a suburbs person for instance, you would have been listening to Tamer, if you were reincarnated as this veiled girl, you would have done the same thing, I think human beings are a product of factors, it's not really their choice in the very first place to be who they are..
Have a great day.
By Anonymous on "Life theater!"

Being a friend with an ex means what? Really considering him a close friend and you go out together, meet regularly and confide to each other? or it means keeping a reasonable friendly level of communication after breaking up?

The first is rather difficult IMO but it isn't impossible, while the second is very possible in my experience (as long as the break up was not a bloody one!)

I even believe that being a friend with an ex is the best sign that our feelings got totally neutralized towards him/her. If we can not look in the face of an ex and talk to him/her without feeling a grain of love or hate, it is then I know it is really over.
By blackcairorose on "What the Fuck @#*^%$^?!!!"

Nice to see a guy not ashamed to talk about his feelings seriously usually guys are so stuck up about this. U r a refreshing change :)
By Sou on "Beauty and the Priest!"

Love well, Whip well!

I've experienced BDSM two times so far, I've always wanted to try it, to know where my limits are, to break barriers and boundaries, to send myself into a more primal raw connection, to erase the civilized conventions and attain that connection, space, where there is no skin, no outer layers, but simply raw primal emotion.
I somehow believe that submission can actually engender power; realizing that you have something to give, that you are capable of mastering your own will to give it up the way your top wants it instead of the way you think he should want it, can inspire pride, not the false pride of inflated ego, but the true pride that comes from knowing the raw depths of yourself!

My Master is a 40something German doctor whose dominant nature is real deep & visceral; an eye that do more work than both his hands, something that has nothing to do with the good looks, charisma, dressing well, "dominant" personae and all the trappings of BDSM as I think all these things are easy to fashion.
My first time with him was more about the blindfolds, collar, handcuffs, chain, ropes, nipple clippers and all those kinky tools but I didn't enjoy it that much; a chain and a blindfold doesn't make it BDSM, I donno..It's not a sexual thing to me, it's a very spiritual thing.
I enjoyed more my second time with him without any tool, I was a "working" bottom who was actively putting the Top's "work" to joyful use, for me it was not into my ear he whispered but into my heart, it was not into my lips he kissed but my soul, He call me slave and I call him master and It wasn't physical in any way.

So I knew that I can never be a slave as I'm more dominant on bed but I also can't be a master...I can't explain it, I guess I'm a dominant bottom, I'm very controlling and power for me is the ultimate aphrodisiac; I'll get on my knees when you get on your elbows! I like men who compel my strength, who make enormous demands on me, who do not doubt my courage or my toughness, who do not believe me naive or innocent, who have the courage to treat me like a whole and not a half who completes a whole!

Meanwhile, does abnormal pleasure kill the taste for normal ones? Am I making any sense?

Sigmund Freud, ANALyze this!

Oh ice why do you always cross paths with such people who give mixed messages and are not that frank about their feelings, is it the sign of the century or people just think they are too good to admit they are into someone beats the hell out of me but hoping you would meet someone who knows what he wants and are not afraid of going after it.
Until then drop Stud till he knows what he wants!
Sou-One-Canobee, a dear blog reader's comment on my last post

My blog is almost one year old(that's why I gave her that brand-spanking new outfit ;)) , I quickly ran through my old posts and it's got me; I've a pattern of my own! I wondered If I really meet the same guy all over again every time? Do players/guys change but the game is always the same with me? Do I think that I always see the right flags, but in the end after long time those flags turn red and I see the guy's true colours? And If I really do have a pattern of my own, What would I do to break it; Try some out-of-my-fav-league-guys on? But what if this new league will be a league of morons, will I afford that change? will I be able to restore my very old pattern? Or Should I've a détente and not to have any pattern? But can we live without patterns, no matter how hard we try not to have one?

Apparently my pattern is very obvious to people around me, I either like the "new-guy-who-just-came-out-to-dating-websites-&-gay-life" or the "traveller" guys! Well the first type of guys usually attracts me more donno why, maybe cuz they are new or that they are pure or they are usually sexy but on the other hand, I usually attract them like a magnet; most of my new contacts on MSN are of this kind of guys! I guess I explained them enough via my posts about Mr.B & Ibby for example and they always wreck it in the end!
Meanwhile, the "traveller" guys usually make me fall into the sex haze; you know where the sex is really great and you start acting like a crazy person then you start to imagine that the relationship is something it's not!

But is it only that I like the wrong guys or I've some issues of my own that I don't know about? Did I unintentionally wreck the relationship with some of the guys I've been seeing/dating? Was I wrong when I always figured out that the reason behind the failure is either their issues or external factors? Am I high maintenance? Do I scare them off by my experience and how somehow out I'm? Am I awfully picky person? Do I always find a reason to break thing up? Am I philophobic?

I've been single for almost 3 years now and I've figured out that I really can't maintain having a relationship; I'm not independent enough for the 25-35 guys and I'm way mature for the guys around my age! So I guess I should work on the very long-termed relationship I've been having for 3 years now; me & myself!

He's just not yet inside of me!

It was Thursday, I was so bored I could die, almost everyone is outside Cairo, there wasn't any party in the corner, so I thought it's just about time to go on a date with that "Str8 acting" guy who made an appearance on my MSN after long time of being offline! So I called him, he had another call, I hanged up and waited for him to call back but he didn't! So I didn't bother and called Jovee to meet him up for some drinks in down town with his friends.

In a moment in between drinking and discussing Obama's speech; the "stud du jour" called me, he said that he's going to call me this weekend but I didn't give it much attention donno why, he said that he'll be around my part of the city in a while and was checking what I'm up to! I told him that am going back to one of Jovee's friend's place so I'll be waiting there until he arrives. And just right after I hanged up; my "Str8 acting" guy called and asked where I'm and what I'm up to, so I told him the same though I wasn't that keen to meet him!
so I made it to Jovee's friend's place, fixed myself a drink and was starting to enjoy it when stud du jour called me announcing his arrival to our meeting point, I told him that I'll be there after 5 minutes and excused from Jovee and his friends. While driving to our meeting point, I could only think about how invincible my self-confidence became; I was so surprised of myself, few years ago If I was about to meet someone who is too hot for me like stud du jour, I get nervous, uncomfortable and anxious as if I was wearing Tawheed Wal Noor in a room full of Chanel, but now it got totally different though I'm pretty much still physically the same so I could help but wonder what have changed? Is it the not-expecting-anything? or my experience over the past 5-6 years? or the very known fact about me that I always get what I want no matter how long it takes me?! How far invincible would my self-confidence get? Isn't it a slope that is too slippery without boundaries?!....BAAAM I drove in the wrong direction and the officers,who were blurry shaped for me right now when I landed my eyes on him, took my driving license and registration paper and I was determined to pay 70 pounds in the station by Saturday!

I parked and got inside his car, we talked while he was wandering by the car then he asked me If I'd like to join him & his friends on the birthday party of his ex.boyfriend, he mentioned his friends' names, I know some of them and S was already there so I couldn't find a reason not to join him although I didn't quite digest the idea of meeting his friends while we've just met, and oh don't get me start talking about the idea of attending his ex.BF's birthday party! I never understood the "becoming friends" illusion, I just don't have the patience to clean up more and more mess after getting over an ex.BF and moving on but is it true what some people say? that keeping a reasonable friendly level of communication after breaking up where you can look in the face of an ex and talk to him/her without feeling a grain of love or hate, it's then you know it's really over?!

His friends had been really drinking their asses off, they were so sweet and funny especially his ex who I've always perceived that he is cold and stuck up but I LOVED the drunk ex of him although I got bored very quickly because I got more sober minute by minute, stud also was getting bored for the very same reason and when I thought the boredom would get any further, S took stud aside and then he came back to me saying that stud is not interested! I was like "WTF?! How could u do so? What was the conversation about?!" then S told me that he said he's not interested and out of the blue I found S grabbing me and confronting me with stud to let us talk and see if we were interested or not!!! I felt so embarrassed and would have killed S right there If I didn't know that he was wasted, that's typical drunk S; saying the politically incorrect words with the wrong people in the very bad time!
So before I'd become cruella de ville, I felt it was time to call it a night!

In my way back home, I kept narrating in my head what S had told me as I didn't get any negative vibe or message from stud's side and I always trust my instincts so I just disregarded what he had said and threw it away just when I was brushing my teeth and taking my contacts off; stud was calling me! I didn't expect that he'd call so I waited a little bit before picking up, we said the regular Hellos and he said that he was calling to check on and see if I got back home one piece! It was so sweet of him but what does that mean? the ball in my court or something? I'm the one who will have to make the next move? I never liked this kind of politics and I already know that this is not going anywhere further than sex and maybe friends, so why the whole mixed vibes and messages?
Is he just not that into me or is he just not inside of me yet? This is the question!

Too much information!

Okay, S knew how to take some answers out of me in an interview which he just posted on his blog!
Check it out and tell me what do you think =)

Magic Mirror on the Wall, Who is the fairest one of all?

My last session with my shrink was kinda interesting, he said that I've dual personalities; a person who is very successful, smart, COLD, very self-confident, perfectionist and has OCD..etc and another person who lays very deep under the surface who is searching for something, seeking to better know himself and life; who is so into psychology, dreams(literally), astrology, body language, religions, after life and could easily get furious!
I couldn't help but wonder; Which one truly am I? How much do our interests tell about us? Do I've only dual personalities? Will I develop multiple personalities disorder in the future or bipolar maybe?!
But I believe he is wrong, am the same person in both personalities; I love my life yet I'm very curious about what happens after we die, I'm very self-confident yet I care about how others perceive me & my body language, I'm smart yet I believe in star signs & astrology, I've OCD yet I always want an explanation for what I dream about and call anyone I dream about, I'm agnostic yet I've moderate religious parents! Yes, I'm all of that in one....!

And speaking of my shrink, I won't trust him anymore; he told my parents that I don't have any motive to "undo" my homosexuality! Yes, I'm very aware that no matter what he says or does, he still indirectly wants me to be heterosexual, but I just don't get it; how come he wants me to be a heterosexual and in the very same time he wants me to have a boyfriend and be in a healthy relationship!
So I'll manipulate everyone of them! I'll be the son every parent wishes to have; I'll pray & attend religion classes, I'll do sports and be such an obedient son. And I'll totally convince my shrink that I want to change and got bored of my gay life so everyone will be happy although I know that I'll put my double-life to the max by doing all of that, but I don't care, I just won't allow anyone to screw up my life and how I want to live PERIOD

Me & my possessive side, have you two met before?

Thursday night, sipping my cappuccino in my favourite cafe, blowing some smoke circles, chatting with some friends and checking some websites to pass the time until I decide which "going-out" plan that would suit me the most. Time passed and there isn't any one of my friends who came up with any interesting plan and before I knew it; an international number was vibrating my mobile and the light effects reflected on my ear to ear smile, I didn't immediately recognize the voice, he said that we met long time ago at Harry's pub and that I was with a girl friend of mine, but I finally recognized him when he said his facebook name, he is "Bash" a late 20-something years old successful Saudi bourgeois!
So I changed my plans from going out with fellas to blowing a phallus; it was a call in the perfect timing, I already had no interesting plans yet and my last time sex with almost 3 weeks ago!

One hour later, his room's door opened and I was greeted by a very sexy figure, just about my type; The sexy tanned defined body, the skin head, the edible lips, the nicely haired chest and the dirty beard and a while later he developed a tent in his pants that scout boys could have camped there!
Sex was obviously great and I enjoyed his company over dinner at that cosy Marriott's Royce restaurant, we talked about past, present and future; the mutual friends we've, our interests, his career of advertising and I couldn't resist telling him about my blog when he told me about his book! I usually don't talk about my blog with anyone who would be a potential material that could be blogged about! So I thought that he could be my plus one for the next day's big Birthday party of my friend "Mohinder", he fits in that criteria; he has interesting personality and sexy looks!

Friday night, Me, Bash & my LEO Jordanian friend were waiting in front of Mohinder's BF's dublex apartment with me having spasmed calves & back and severe headache from the too much standing and exposure to sun in the afternoon in Korba's carnival(aka my TESTERONE carnival!) with my very sweet friend "Iten"!
I made an entrance, greeted my friends, went upstairs to change to my beach wear as it was the party's theme and I couldn't wait to see Mohinder's facial expression when he opens my gift which was a whore version of Barbie Doll!
Bash kept my company while I was fixing myself a drink to ease the pain and the headache, I then introduced him to most of my friends, we moved along with the music and I kept his company for almost all the time because he doesn't know anyone so I definitely don't want him to feel cast-ed away. Few minutes later many guys arrived and some of them were trying to hit on Bash, I don't know why but I was mad at them though it has nothing to do with neither him nor them, it's perfectly fine that guys would hit on him and he responds; he is in town for few days and he needs some fun, but at that moment I really felt the possessive side of me so clear and obvious! I know that I shouldn't act that way, we are not even dating and we won't because he's a traveller, so I really disliked my possessive nature that night and it screwed my mood when I left the party!

He left around 1:30 and he didn't let me walk him to the door as he's already leaving with that trashy American guy, so I kissed him goodbye, fixed myself a 4th drink and headed to the dance floor to shake the stress away or let me rephrase it; to "bash" the "possess" away and the disco ball's rays diverse-d it away indeed!

So here I am, back home with an irremovable birthday stamp on my hip bone, typing this and thinking about that sexy guy who figured out that I'm the owner of this blog when I told him my Moroccan name(Nordine, the one I use on the blog), he kept gushing about my blog, I was flattered but I freaked out because I felt naked with all my stories in front of a total stranger!
Anyway I'd meet Bash again but I'm sure going to read his autographed book edition in the next days!