They love men but they just don't want to see them naked!

I've always been interested in having a Lesbian friend and getting closer to the whole lesbian scene of Egypt, so 4-5 years ago I'd created a profile on gaydargirls.com searching for a gay gal who wants to befriend with a gay guy, contacted the potentially interesting profiles among the very limited available profiles(either active or inactive) on the website which made me notice for beginnings that they don't have as much choices as we gay guys do, anyway I received a reply from 2 girls "Rachel" who became one of my best friends and another girl who is history now(I don't even remember her name).

Rachel is in her mid-twenties, Aries, cabin crew, very attractive, black hair & eyes and with sexy physique! We kept chatting for long time before we meet, she fulfilled my curiosity, I fulfilled hers then we started to get to know each others more, chitchatting about our previous relationship(s) and everything about life until one day we had met and became close friends though her interrupting work trips.
Rachel let me have a closer look over the scene, how limited their choices are! How many of them are way mean than any flamboyant queen of my world! How sex to them is so different and more meaningful! How their families can easily screw up any relation even though they donno about their loveable daughter's orientation, as most of females in our society have less space of freedom and their parents(usually the mother) should know every tiny details in their life, their friends...etc
She also taught me that many women can't say the word "Lesbian" even when their mouth is full of one! and that women who love women are lesbians. Men, because they can only think of women in sexual terms, define lesbian as sex between women!

Rachel suffered(and still suffering) a lot from one of her ex girlfriends, let me call her "Sayyeda", so Sayyeda is a mean bitch who never failed to screw up Rachel's life till now via many ways, being friend with Rachel's new friends and turning them on her, mysteriously contacting Rachel's new girlfriends and stealing them from her by acting the innocent victim and the cool liberal sexy chick in the same time!
Sayyeda so far stole "Dahya" the teenager who looks like Olive Oil of Popeye, "Mohga" the filthy International Squach coach, "ShaZZa" who is getting engaged soon and now Sayyeda is dating "Khamees", Rachel's latest ex who had been in a lot of family troubles, ran away from her home, stayed with her lover that Brazilian band vocalist who worships her, her family knew his place, her brothers beated the hell out of him, she got back home and all of a sudden her life is pinkish again and living happily ever after in Sayyeda's cunt!
I almost cried when Rachel showed me the Bvlgari rings and Nokia TV mobile phone which she wanted to give them to Khamees during the "hard" time away from her family, the weird thing is that almost the same dilemma happens with every girl Rachel dates after she falls for them, the family problems bla bla bla they disappear for a short period of time and then appear again but between Sayyeda's toxic arms!
They made my poor Rachel believe that she is cursed and curses everyone try to approach her, and not to mention how that affects her, her perception of her body image, her self-esteem...etc
NO my dear Rachel, you are perfectly healthy, fabulous, great looking and with BRAINS but it's not easy to find happiness in ourselves and it is not possible to find it elsewhere! I always advised you to stop giving Sayyeda chances and to get her utterly out of your system but in vain!

Anyway, that wise person who said that women are complicated, must either had many lesbian friends or studied gynaecology!

Dating? Me dating?! [Part I]

Sunday, last feast's eve, having lunch in Sequoia with my Iranian date "Mehrzad", enjoying the nice weather, the good wine and the fabulous company who is 29 years old(I rarely remember people's age), very sexy, very successful person, has been living in London almost all his life, owns a football team, just launched a fashion magazine as he already works in fashion field, properties investor....
bottom line; he's a bright businessman!
He loved the place and Egypt in general, I felt so comfortable around him, he unintentionally fulfilled everything I'd needed back then-and still need them thu-, someone I could talk to without having any agenda on both sides(mine or his), someone who appreciates things that I do appreciate too even the most trivial and odd ones, simply someone who just wants to enjoy the moment wihtout thinking about any consequences or anything!

After lunch, I took him for a shopping tour in Beymen store, he liked it but we both hated the displayed items, old collections, ugly so simple designs and of course overrated prices, he told me that it's cheaper for me to let him buy stuff for me from London as he already buys the samples after the runway of any new designer's collection so that I'd be wearing the newest fashion, cheaper and 6 months earlier than anyone else lol! So I ended up not buying anything and went back home to get some sleep before meeting "Mimi" my Moroccan best friend who arrived from Dubai for few days in Egypt.
I slept for like 2 hours then called Mimi to see what she's up to, she told me that she'll be meeting her date now in some café in Heliopolis but definitely we've to meet up in the hotel after she finishes her date, I told her that's perfect as I'll have enough time to get into Mehrzad's bed!

10:30pm, he was inside me, the chemistry on bed was mind blowing, he possessed many things that turn me on, big cock with big balls, hairy chest, facial hair, very sexy armpits and in addition to the manlish attitude, so Yes! It was the best sex I had had since long time! Which lead me to cuddle him for long time after sex though I rarely do that with guys who are not that emotionally close to me and he again unintentionally said everything I wanted to hear between his arms, praising my looks, surprised that I'm not modelling yet thought I've what it's got to be a model, also said that I'm not aware of what I'm capable of or what I value..etc
I got dressed and he kept telling me that he really wants to date me, we can work it out, he can come to Cairo whenever I want, we would travel together but he said that he doesn't want to rush things up as he doesn't want to be pushy and freak the hell out of me, so I stamped a good-bye kiss on his edible lips hoping that he could make it back to Cairo by mid-year vacation(5th of January) and if that happened, I'll get to know him better and who knows?
Too much action for meeting a Pices or Iranian guy for the first time, no?

To be continued...

Dry spell!

A lot of things happened recently in the last semi-vacation, things that I should write about and record them on the blog to re-read and remember them sometime in the future, but the thing is that I don't feel like writing since sometime, donno if I lost my talent or if it was a temporary acquired talent!
I guess it's just a writing dry spell! Hoping I'd write back again soon even thru the mobile like I just did =)

Another Crap!

It's been almost a month since I last spoke with Ezzie and 2 weeks since I last spoke with my only Taurean friend or let me call him A.I, he's Ezzie's best friend since ages, 2 weeks ago I called him few times and he didn't pick up or return my calls, I thought that maybe he's busy blowing someone or something, few days later I read on his Facebook profile that he has a broken elbow, I got worried so I called him but he didn't pick up, so at that moment I felt that something is not right! I texted him to wish him a rapid recovery but still no sign of life from him....
Another abandonment, another disappointment...another crap! It's reached a level of untagging me from some pictures on Facebook! I didn't comment and never will! I never doubted that he could be that childish! He's 30 god damn years old for fuck's sake! I still don't know their reasons behind all of this drama....

I'm very confused, shall I move on? I deserve an explanation but is it worth waiting for? Shall I wait and see where this is going to or it is simply the end? Some incidences like this happened before between them and other common friends, they fight and get back together after some time but shall I accept that? Accept them again if they seeked acceptance?

It's just I'm in a very bad phase right now, I've only 2 best gay friend left but one is living in Alexandria and the other had left the country for good last summer! They are priceless, they complete me, they are really true friends, they always make me feel that there is something missing whenever I try to fit in another group of firneds! even with Ezzie and A.I group, there was still something missing! I wish the trio of us were living in one place, a big lier who said that the internet/phone calls make the world a small village but unfortunately that's the only available choice for us to communicate and it's satisfying a bit!
So now I should either try to fit in Jovee's gang or go through the whole exhausting process of making new friends but I can't do neither this nor that! the more I get closer to Jovee's gang, the more I can't fit in, I feel that they are immature somehow(I never had gay friends who are around my age, they are usually 3-5 years older at least), you know when you feel that you are not getting the expected center of attention or appreciation? I donno how to explain it but I just feel it....again there is something missing! and speaking of Jovee, the more I deal with him without having any agenda, the more I figure out that I was so blind not to see that his paradise is not for me! Touché Madonna!

Bottom line; I will only concentrate on my studies(my finals are pretty soon) and use all my unleashed energy in working out until further notice!

Reconsidering!

....Cleaning up my mobile messages, deleting messages about things that I don't want to remember, keeping ones that always make me smile, stopped at that message I sent to Ezzie on his birthday, I just couldn't erase it though it made me feel very sad inside, I know that I'm never sweet to anyone by nature, I've a mask-like face, icy blooded and nothing at all really matters to me, that's me! Can't help it! But I'm always sweet to people I care about, they will always matter to me, it's a high voltage sin for me to upset them! It's just I don't comprehend why he is abandoning me?! I didn't do anything bitchy to him to deserve that, on the contrary I'm the one who has all the right at his side to abandon him, I'm not blaming him for not showing up at my birthday party as he was recovering from his inflammated tonsils, but I'm pretty blaming him for not calling or even texting me ever since!

So YES, I'm abandoning him until further notice!
Shall I reconsider our friendship too?


....Thursday night, at some pub with Jovee and some friends, Jovee telling me about his last date, I asked the waiter for another drink and one drink leads to another, he kept telling me how sweet the date is, how good looking he is, how they do match, bla bla bla...I left him with my aha-interesting-happy 4u responses and told him in the end never to wear rayé on rayé again! you look like a hideous zebra!

OUI! C'est la fin! no more physical interaction with Jovee and from now he no longer exists on my "To be dated" list! Enough with young guys! C'est vraiment trop!


....Human beings are designed for many things, but loneliness is not one of them! So shall I reconsider making a family? Does the idea of ending-up alone and childless really terrify me?! Shall I reconsider my suicide's zero hour and make it pre-40?
Most of healthy marriages last for few years but they continue the devastating dysfunctional marriage for the sake of their children or any other stupid precious reason, Do I want to be part of this drama? Being responsible about the impact of my mistakes on my wife or my kids? I guess I won't be able to do it! I know myself, I'm selfish and self-centered bitch that hate to carry any other responsibilities than mine!

....I'm a secretive guy but lately I'm steaming out more via writing than talking with friends!
Will I be uncapable of expressing myself or confronting others on the long run?
Shall I reconsider blogging?

Sans titre!

Scène une:
....Thursday, 10PM, waiting my guests in front of Cairo Jazz Club, called Ezzie, his mobile is switched off(and he didn't call me back until typing this post), called my crazy artistic pisces friend, he is on the way, called my only taurean friend, he's got stuck in the corridor's accident, called my female folks, they can't make it, so I had to cancel my reservation as they wouldn't break the "Couples only" lame rule, my pisces friend arrived, we took the cake, went to his place and had a very small birthday party, me, him, my taurean friend and my dear Alexandrian friend! very unexpected! Is it Jovee's curse? Should I have expected less than my last year's huge party? 2008 is proving day after day that it's such a bitch to me!
1:30AM, I was home, can't open my eye lids because of the pain caused by my seem-expired eye contacts, took them off my literally bloody eyes by a miracle and slept!

Scène deux:
....Friday, 12AM, bumping into a Halloween party at Zamalek, the very same building where my ex.Fuck buddy lives, couldn't help but wonder if it's such a small or world or I'm a big whore?!
The usual gay faces of every party but in addition to the hetero Egyptian bourgeoisies and the hetero foreigners!
I was already drunk as I had two vodka drinks with the guys, Jovee, Zayneb(he is not feminine but I love this nickname of him as much as I hate his guts!), S. , my Jordanian LEO friend and the "Charlotte" of the group, Jovee fixed me a whiskey soda drink, we danced, the DJ's music wasn't that bad, I checked out some guys and played my favourite solo game "Gay, Pas gay et too ugly to be gay", my ears couldn't bare the very loud music anymore, had a side talk outside on the stairs with that XL-ed guy I'm chatting with and saw in two previous parties, got back inside, mingled, my lovely LEO friend introduced me to some guys he knows then I had to go as I've got a curfew(Yes! all of that and I've over-protective parents!), I saluted the guys, kissed Jovee on the cheeks, he grabbed me and stamped a kiss on my lips right in front of everyone! I put my hand around his neck, continued the kiss and played with his hair!
Later on after the kiss, some guys hit on me and made their intro then my LEO friend walked me down, hailed for a cab and asked me to call him as soon as I arrive home.

Scenes worth laughing at:
- S. made out with my Leo friend in the nile view terrace also in front of everyone!
- Zayneb was doing his best to grab attention but his dancing was more of 3ageen El Falla7a(the dance of female farmers)!
- Someone was being over-friendly with me for 2 parties in a row!
- Me dropping my drink on my new pullover while dancing, thanks to Zayneb's famous envious eye!
- S.'s tongue cat fight with the host after his exposé in the terrace, the fight was ended by a kiss on her hand!!

Steaming out!

I wouldn't cry on anyone like I did today....
I feel so weak and vulnerable....
I feel so gay....
I depression-ly wonder what would have been my reaction if I was straight....
How I let him humiliate me like that in public....
But it wasn't my fault!
I shouldn't be responsible if he wanted to drive between me and the big bus next to me!
I was so polite though it wasn't my fault....
He was quiet until he showed me what happened to his car!
Then I found an unleashed monster right in front of me, grabbing me from my t-shirt, hitting me on my neck and face, cursing me, my glasses fell down, I desperately tried to convince him that it is not my god damn fault but in vain, a police soldier of Israel's embassy ran and pulled him away from me, the monster smasshed my glasses in front of me before he gets back inside his luxurious car!
I kneeled down the asphalt in tears and grabbed the left over pieces of my glasses....
Everything is diffused and irritated around me, I donno how I drove to college....
Parked, looked at the slight redness of my neck and face, few blood dropping from my neck from his nails....
Looked at the pieces of my glasses....
Felt like a high school nerd who got bullied by some hunks....
Wished I had my contacts on today....
Being not able to see accurately made me feel more weak inside....
Why I let him do this to me? Why I always let them go and let my rights go? Him! My laptops' robbers....
Do I enjoy being a victim? No! I ain't masochist!
Such a stupid country! I would have sued him and took mass of cents out of his bloody ass if I was living in a more civilized country!
Thinking about the huge headache I'll have after finishing my day with stupid patients, boring professors and moreover the mentally challenged drivers in my way back home....
Too much headache already after writing, typing and posting all of this!
Karma?!

Are we literally gay?

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And their like It's better than yours,
Damn right it's better than yours,
I can teach you,
But I have to charge

In a public bus after LONG time of not approaching, going back home from college, it's cute to bounce between levels, yesterday was driving back home and today I trapped myself inside the overloaded bus, some people were fighting as usual in the back of the vehicle, a lady who is over-watching the human wolves around her so as not to get her "fabulous" body sexually harassed, a batwoman reading Qura'n, a herming man cursed the government as soon as he saw the central security forces standing/waiting in front of the university and started storytelling his exaggerated couragement/adventures in front of Nahhas Pasha!

I wanted to isolate myself from al the this noise/actions, tried to sneak a peek of that newspaper with the gentleman in the front chair, interesting interview with that brave girl who sued a guy who sexually harassed her in the street, couldn't continue reading that capturing interview as the gentleman's reaction towards it was not as mine in any tiny way, a page had to be turned so a blog post had to be written!

I couldn't help but steam out those thoughts am having recently and there was nothing better to isolate myself from the current surroundings than writing......

How far would you go to land in "trés content" island? You can easily spot the crave for happyness any where anytime; in the eyes of a mother who is fixing her daughter's wedding veil, fluffing her dress and telling her no woman ever been that beautiful! In the couragement of Salomon fish to travel from seas to rivers regardless all the risks just to meet-up with his beloved ones and mate! In the controversy of the male Seahorse to undergo a pregnancy look-like process by carrying the developing babies in a non-uterine pouch in the front of their bodies where the female seahorse implanted her eggs so that the male can fertilises them internally and carries them to term just to be a father!

But we the gays who are supposed to be "happy" as how our "label" is defined in all bloody dictionaries, are we literally gay? Don't you get bored of living a double and maybe triple lives? Isn't it unfair that we suffer due to a lot of things like unacceptance for instance? Even in the most civilized countries, many parents wish to have heterosexual kids as they want them to be "Happy"!

.....26th of October, 12AM in my car somewhere in Maadi, a joint in my hand, receiving sweet calls and SMSs wishing me a fabulous birthday, looking at Jovee with lust in the passenger's seat, got distracted by his fugly new hair-cut, I always told him never to go to Egyptian hairdresser if you have long hair that needs to be trimmed, teased him and said that I won't allow his existance in my birthday party next thursday if his hair didn't grow any longer, he replied that he won't be able to attend it anyway as it will be his sister's engagement party that night and wondered if I could postpone it to Friday if I like/want him to be there with me on that night! I drove him back home and kept thinking about the whole issue in my way back home.

Is he worth it? I definitely won't make a big deal out of postponing my birthday as Thursday won't differ that much from Friday, but I was seeing it from a different perspective; Is Jovee worth any effort from me after all the hints he mentioned the last time we met? He is so not looking for any relationship! He even wanted to hook me up with someone for god's sake!

What's wrong with me? almost all my friends are against this relationship saying that I deserve someone better, that I can do much better and things of this kind!....If only they could see what i'm seeing/feeling? but why I still want to work on this relationship though 80% it's going nowhere and though all my gay 6th senses proved all of that before it even starts?!

I decided to stop talking or thinking about it with him, myself and anyone until further notice! And my birthday party will be on Thursday as it is planned to be! See you there at Cairo Jazz Club!

The truce hurts!

Wednesday 1st of Oct, first day of the feast, haven't sleep yet, still stoned somehow as I smoked up with my hetero buddies after they finished Eid's prayers, in my uncle's car heading to my Aunt's villa at 6th of October city for a family lunch over the pool, extended my seat, doing my best to avoid the annoying sun rays, cursing my bad luck with shades, trying to have a small nap but something prevented that from happening, my uncle played "Kermalak(For you)" song of Elissa and it got me!

I remembered all what happened with Jovee last night/few hours ago, the kisses we stole all over Maadi, that dark street where we made out and how amazing it felt when lust took the car's direction wheel! Elissa's songs kept haunting me in our way to my aunt and even all our way to Agami! I was listening to some songs as if am listening to them for the first time, different from how I used to listen to them when I broke up with my ex.boyfriend and also different from how I heard them in the very first time! It was long enough distance to Agami to trap me inside my mind with all those thoughts and answerless questions!
Do we match? Were we only horny? Is he thinking about me likewise? Will he deal with the whole thing in a damn practical way like a typical Virgo? Shall I go down with my "No gambling with my emotions" ship and don't put my hands up and surrender? Is he Mr.right or Mr.right now? Yes, I'm still young but will my experiment with a 1 year older guy succeed as I always wondered? Won't it be great to date someone who is like me in million ways? Agnostic, smoker, alcoholic, issues-free somehow et plus he's already involved in my hetero gang and living near to me....that's it! I decided to stop thinking about it and get myself as busy as possible until I go back to Cairo and talk with him about it.

Saturday 4th of Oct, in my way back to Cairo, called him to check his plans for tonight, doing my best to be sweet with him unlike my bitchyness in the last phone call:
Me: Hey, what's up?
Him: Drunk and just came back from that wedding
Me: Am tipsy and just saw one of your silly friends in Sheikh Ali bar
Him: Sheikh Ali? Did you go to Alexandria?
Me: Oui, had late lunch here and met up with my alex friends
Him: OMG! from Agami to Sheikh Ali in Alex, are you that desperate? (laughing)
Me: Yes! am that desperate that I kissed you that night!
Him: You're such a bitch!!
Me: I'm joking, I enjoyed it wallahi!
Him: Yeah, I bet you did!
Me: Who's the bitch now?
Him: Am not! you wouldn't kiss more if you didn't enjoy it!
Me: Oh! What do you know about life? Maybe I was just horny!
Him: We didn't fuck, we KISSED!

....11pm, we were having our drinks in one of Cairo's oldest pubs, I was happy that I could finally be nice to "S", Jovee's friend whom ex cheated on me with him though S knew that we were in love! Few minutes later another friend of Jovee arrived, we moved to another table with better view, I enjoyed listening to their stories, I was drunk but still concious, I told S that I will drive Jovee back home in my way, we got into my car, I hit the road and he started the conversation:
Him: Nordine, btw I didn't kiss you because I was drunk
Me: I know, I was just teasing you when you said in the pub that you were too drunk when you found yourself making out with Mina in the bathroom in M's last party
Him: Anyway, I'm not ready for dating as I want to continue my studies abroad because I want to love my home asap specially after my mum knew about me as you know, so am looking for friends or fuck buddies right now!
Me: Okay, so where are we? we are not friends as I don't sleep with friends and we are not fuck buddies as fuck buddies are not friends and we can't date as you are not ready!
Him: Nordine, you are hot and I like you so much but it's just I don't wanna mess up things and hurt anyone
Me: You are sexy and you know that I like you too but stop being so practical! I want to do my masters abroad but that doesn't mean that I should stop my life for something am not sure about it yet after 2 years! Who knows? I would die tomorrow! Just make the most of now and enjoy your life!
Him: But I'll be sure about it when my step-dad comes back from Europe by the mid of this month
Me: You know that am not a big fan of labes, I'm enjoying my time with you and don't care for a definition for it!
Him: so you are say..i..n...(I had to kiss him to shut him up!)..g
Yes, I'm saying let's not define it until your step-dad arrives and you know what you are going to do with your life, so we are having a truce!

I won't rebound with Jovee, but I've to admit that the whole thing helped me in getting over Mr.B specially when I read that SMS from him last night 2 in the morning asking me where I'm! Sorry B, you are no longer appealing to me, not after I called and texted you few weeks ago and received null from you and now you are texting me after your penis woke up from the stocks crisis! DUH!

Would you pretend we're only friends if I kissed you?

In the National Cancer Institute, relaxing on one of the patients' beds, enjoying spying on the nurses' hilarious conversations, waiting for the doctor to arrive and teach us a new lousy practical lesson, craving for a cigarette, cursing the new "smoking" laws, listening to Madonna's get together, couldn't help but think about my friend Jovee!

A week ago, on the Fitr Feast's night I passed by my Leo/Virgo friend Jovee, parked my car under his building, jumped into his car, took his iPOD and prepared a playist to cope up with the drunk mood we'll be having later on, few minutes later and I was shopping for the night's drinks from Maadi's drinkies, he was driving, we were drinking, some people were watching, no one was commenting as it is so traditional in Egypt to drink on this night, he parked under one of his friends' building to get our suppy of hash and mix-up some drinks, we were in his friend's room, I extended on the bed, my head was on Jovee's laps, a joint in a hand, a drink in the other and getting wasted is on the waiting list!

We had to go, his friends went before us, I stood up, Jovee's face was inches away, he leaned toward me, I thought he wanted a friendly warm hug, I gave him one, he said that I misunderstood but it's okay anyway and was heading out of the room, I grabbed him and stamped a one hell of a kiss on his lips, my hands around his neck, playing with his fantabulous semi-long hair, he closed the lights and AC, it all lasted for few minutes, got back in his car, dazzled, irritated, confused and feeling weird but I put all of that aside, added Iio's kiss you on the previously prepared playlist and pressed PLAY!

Go to part two

Ice queer? Ah OUI!

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You are frozen
When your heart is not open

I always believe that we only appreciate things in our lives when they are gone and we always desperately crave for things we can't get or reach!
I miss being young and naive kid in my "Being Straight" coma/closet, I miss being honest and frank to my parents about a whole bunch of things, I miss my preparatory and high school era, my very close friends at that time who I used to treat as lovers and never found out an explanation for that weird attachment to them which proves to me everyday that I was born gay!

I miss those days when I came out to myself and started meeting up with guys though most of them were trashy and dragged me to the fugly and mentally challenged gay gatherings but I guess we all had to pass through that "new fish in gatherings' pool" phase!
I miss being less mature, innocent, know nothing about life and having very few things to fuck-up my brain with! I miss André my Italian guarding angel who I used to date during Grade 12, having my SATs and caring less about how do I look and what I should wear, miss running to his comforting warm hug whenever I dramatically fight with my parents, miss his capturing eyes and very relaxing cuddle..I just miss having him in my life, giving me the unique safe feeling that no guy ever managed to provide!

I miss those cheesy heart beats when I decided to come out to my close heterosexual friends, the very awkward male reaction, the very cheerful female reaction but they still love and am very thankful to have them in my life as they always help and support me through a lot of things cause they have a different non-gay point of view which made me see things from a different perspective.
I miss my grand parents and still can't enjoy any social occasion since they are gone, miss going to their place on the first day of holy feasts, hearing them blaming me for paying them rare visits....If only I had a time machine!

I miss my days with my ex.BF, miss being in a relationship, miss being between Mr.B's arms, miss tanning my ass out in front of the nile view of Hyatt's pool with "S" my LEO crush, miss being worshiped and desired by Taleeto my Saudi prince charming, miss being with Andy on bed having sex on the Romanian style making me explore my deepest fetishes and fantasies, miss being in jacuzzi of that actor's exotic apartment and surprisingly being so myself around him with great self-confidence....!
I miss being less social and not having many foreigner friends who are meant to leave my life one day and break my heart....Yes! the Ice Queen has feelings pumped from a cold heart chambers!

Anyway I feel like am 99 years old after writing all of that and for the record, happy belated birthday Ezzie!

Religious Fetish!

Almost 6am, blowing circles of smoke, enjoying the morning breeze alone, letting my thoughts go as far as my eyes-doing my best to get myself out of my mind's trap where i've been in lately-can see, foggy parts of Cairo appear down far away in the horizon, wondered about the huge real estate's renaissance in Egypt and if it did really solve housing problems or made our lives any easier...It's just made us less and less connected, I believe!

Earlier that day(politically incorrect statment, I know) I had to go to Sheraton Heliopolis area where I used to live most of my life in Egypt before I moved to a more centered & quiet area early this year, memories kept haunting me as usual, my childhood, vague slideshow of guys I brought to my home, my ex.BF, my primary school, my summer activities in that big & famous mosque, my orientation confusion/denial, my bicycle trips around Heliopolis, my first car drive, my first cigarette, my very first sexual talks/information, my trivial childish dreams....!
The Taraweeh prayers' traffic jam was getting on my nerves, the whole street was occupied by immobile cars, I thought of looking around to get busy with anything interesting and entertaining until I found my all the times entertainment "Eye candy"!

There was something about the guy in the front car, he appeard good-looking to me through his relfection on his side mirrors, he was searching for a park lot and So did I! I was bored and there was nothing to do as it's so crowded so I found it very erotic to just follow a car plate with a sexy face!..... He parked, I pulled over, a very well-built handsome gentleman stepped out of the car with a trendy classic shirt unbuttoned(major turn ON!) showing a very nice hairy chest, a miswak in his mouth, very tall and with shortened jeans slack!

I heard him talking with his friends about Amr Khaled's latest episode so I knew that he is one of the "Amr Khaled" fucked-up youth generation, wearing trendy clothes, trying to be/fit in the "cool open-minded" religious updated modern Muslim with the fake but sexy peacful look on his face and when he gets so naughty, he talks with with his friends about Haifa Wehbe's latest clip and before they leave they all say/spell together the concluding council prayer so that God may forgive the OMG-huge-sin they just committed!

I always had a thing for this type of religious guys, a fetish, a sick one if you say so. But it appeals very sexy to me, I feel like I'm satan when I seduce the gay breed of them, like as if I'm Adam's apple! It's something I neither know how to describe nor explain!

If only he understands my lust-licious glances and reciprocates with my vibes! Will he be great on bed? Does he believe that doing me very hard will be transcripted in his mind as a victory of Islam against Satan like how the previous one secretly believed? I also wondered why most of them are in great body shape? Are they preparing themselves for Jihad against Islam's enemies? or they think that they will be better representing Islam and defending it with a fighter body? God! he's too hot & trendy to be the S word! His fashion taste, his hand gestures, his eyes, I always believe in my gay radar! He can't be Straight! Poor him! How many years it will take him to get out of the closet, denial & confusion? A light year? A great brain wash from first-fuck-first-love guy?

I lit a cigarette, watched him disappearing in the crowd, met my friends, got back home, checked if my great fetish is included in our notorious dating sites' fetish list and had a desperate vulnerable hope to find him one day popping up as new profile with no picture on those sites!

Pansexuality should be the Future's label!

Gay, bisexual, straight, Bi-curious, gay in denial, straight acting & looking(yeah RIGHT!), top/positive, bottom/negative, both/versatile, both more top, both more bottom, master, slave, dog....too much labels, no?

I couldn't help but wonder what did we benefit from all these labels?!....more & more confusion, I believe!

I don't know why gay people care so much about sexual labels more than non-gay people?! Why fun should be defined in one or two terms? It really triggers my nerves when someone asks me about my role! If you are top then fine, I'll be pure bottom for you and vice versa! It is not a big deal! Life is too short to fill it up with confusion/illusion well cooked by your own fucked-up brain to curse yourself and people around you! You should enjoy every microsecond of your life to the fullest as you can never know what tomorrow is hiding for you! You could get your soul mugged out of you!

I believe that the person who came up with the "pansexuality" term had such a huge zest for life, like the zest of Santa Clause on Prozac getting laid in Disney land!

Pansexuality should be the future's label so that there won't be more fuss, confusion, issues, guiltiness, regret and the list continues! Don't you agree that we will live happily ever after if everyone cared less about those bureaucratic labels?!

Oops I got mugged again!

It's so depressing, I got sprayed by self-defense, mugged, everything is gone AGAIN! The 2 months old laptop, the 2 days old 8MP camera in addition to my wallet!

I lost 2 laptops and 2 cameras in less than 6 months!

It seems that I financially & emotionally attract muggers as my "Spectacular" friend said!

Another empty HP box, another empty camera box! Anyone up to garage sale?

So I don't know if I'll be able to write again or not!

Social class gap: Double dating!

"Love conquers all...
Every cloud has a silver lining...
Faith could move mountains...
Love will always find a way to you...
Everything happens for a reason...
Where there is life, there is hope...
Bla bla bla...

They gotta tell u something, no?!"

Almost 2 weeks passed since I last saw or heard from Mr.B, I decided that the fuss/drama has to end so I literally blocked and deleted him from my life, Sometimes I do like Bree Van De Cap of desperate housewives show when it comes to emotions so Whenever I feel my emotions getting the best of me, I simply picture an empty box and I take whatever am feeling and put that in the box and then i picture myself putting the box away in a big empty closet and closing the door then if I've time, I go back and open the box and deal with the emotion in private like a gentleman(Bree said like a Lady though).
I couldn't help but believe that some people come to our lives and destined to leave it no matter how strong we holded on them in a vain desperate hope to postpone their departure time!
People are like dogs. Tame them, they'll obey. Bite them, they'll bite back. But have your gun ready when one day, the dog will go wrong! so I decided to live again for myself and vigorously run after anything that would triggers the activity of my serotonin!

I had 2 sex dates yesterday on my agenda, I don't usually like to double date but I was tempted enough specially that I wanted to be as less emotional as I can but also another reason made me go for the double dating thing yesterday as both of them were extremely different! It was like eating Egyptian salty spicy pickles after having a "Layali Lebnan" dessert(Speaking of that dessert, I really miss u G)!

The first guy was 27 years old Lebanese hunk/bear, very hottylicous and Spanish looking assistant director! I know him for a period of time but I couldn't put my hands on him when he was in Cairo the previous time so I decided to tie him to bed this time, I took my shower, put my optical contacts on, shaved my promising little beard, scrubbed my face, buttered my body, got dressed, balmed my lips, switched on my car engine, played Samira Saïd's new album(my recent addiction), danced while driving, couldn't care less for the people who are giving me the usual looks, the AC was on and the car was locked.
20 minutes later I was emptying my pockets to pass through Semiramis InterContinental's electronic gate, checked out the hotty golfies in my way from the Lobby to elevators, was knocking the room's door exactly on time as usual(I hate people who don't respect time), there he was, shorter than me, hair sneaking sexily from the edges of his tank top craving to be grabbed roughly, sat on the comfy bed, ran the usual conversation, he came closer, I always enjoy those cute moments before the first kiss when we both run out of things to say, so we kissed, I threw the strawberry gum out of my mouth, unleashed my long tongue(and no darling, not in the lesbian way you are picturing =P) and the rest is history, the bed was in a big mess after we finished though we had vanilla fun, took a shower, dried up, lit my beloved after sex cigarettes, was relieved when I knew that he smokes too(seriously, what's with the smoking-phobia lately? )and since he works in media, I couldn't resist to soak the juicy gossips out of him and sharing some too as I never run out of celebrities gossips(sharing is caring, you know), then the horoscopes conversation replaced the gossips, he laughed when he knew that I could smell LEOs 10 miles away, he believes that all people love Scorpios!.....few minutes later I was back to my car and heading to "Madinet el salam" !

The second guy was 25 years old Egyptian guy, low-middle class, living in Nasr city, his "sweet house" was in that remote, ugly, low class and vulgar area near Heliopolis that I've never been to before so I was pretty excited to explore it, I waited him in front of the famous Microbuses station there, I was in my car smoking a cigarette with the AC on as I couldn't stand the weird smell outside, people everywhere around me are running to catch any bus, lots of microbuses pull over to discarry packs of people and loads new packs, I decided to ignore the looks am receiving and the vibes am sending by making some calls to pass the hateful little waiting time.
Few seconds later someone was knocking on the door's glass, it was him, I unlocked the car and headed to El Salam city.

It was a whole new world to me, narrow streets, sewage effluent everywhere and covered by dozens of people, didn't notice any unveiled girl so far, strauss and glittered clothes everywhere, tight jeans accompanied by thick black leather belts with big buckles, I arrived at the place after many left and right turns, I felt I was like Menna Chalaby in "Ouija" cheesy movie when she was dating a low class hottie and had to wear Niqāb whenever she wanted to go to his apartment but in my case, I had to take off my cross necklace as I know it will take him a light-year to understand that it is not a big deal if a so called Muslim guy wears a cross for fashionable and memorial reasons!
5 floors of falling down probabilities and we were finally in the apartment, it relftected exactly what I've visioned in my mind, the pigeons in a classic wooden cage in the balcony, Saa'd Soghayar's music-if you classify it as music-far away in the background but you can still hear it, uncompleted paint of some walls, some windows were covered by small curtains instead a proper window frame, all of that was sexy somehow in the end!
I sat beside him on the sofa, he was one of those very sexy low-middle class guys whom you crave every now and then, very well-built, average face, shorter than me by few centimeters, so masculine and worth raising your legs for! We made out on the sofa then we moved to the bedroom, took off all our clothes except for the briefs, we kept making out for long time, then it was time to explore his love making prick, I was shocked, it was average to small sized though he told me before we meet that it's large! OMG How I didn't expect that he will be typical Egyptian low-middle class guy about this thing too?! Now I knew why he has such a great body and gives a mind blowing sex! He was counterbalancing/rebounding!! and surprisingly he had his condom and KY gel ready for action, I always bring condoms to the wrong places! I thought that the Lebanese guy will have condoms for sure but he didn't and that's why we didn't go all the way meanwhile I thought the Egyptian guy won't have any so I bought some before I meet him....Arghh! I hate when this happens! It reminded me of that French charicateur where the Guarding angel said "Eh merde!" when a guy made an accident while the angel was asleep! =D

The worst hangover ever: The Bonus sex!

A week ago, I was invited to that party of a foreigner friend of mine(who was apparently upset that I left early as he was longing for a "three action" after party with his boyfriend!) at Zamalek, I passed by my "faithful" friend at Maadi to pick him up as I wanted to entertain him a bit till his boyfriend comes back from his vacation, we were fashionably late, I greeted the host and introduced my friend then I greeted my other friends who were there already, I called my Jordanian LEO friend to invite him over if he wasn't off to Agamy yet, I made myself a Smirnoff Vodka drink, mingled, socialized, gossiped about who is here and who is there, noticed some familiar faces, tried to remember some, one my "Spectacular" friend used to date, another one my Gulfy buddy used to have feelings for one day!

I thought of spicing up the party with some action-I didn't know that the night still reserving me a big action in the end-instead of watching those regular party faces, I called my Gulfy buddy and invited him over to enjoy the good "drinks" & "music", he arrived, I was getting too emotional so I knew I was so drunk, I let him see how his ex. looks like now, whom he's with and how he quickly denied to people at the party that they were boyfriends one fugly day!
My buddy left shortly after he had accomplished his/my mission, I kept making more drinks for my LEO friend which I regretted doing in the next day as I knew that he made out with almost everyone there, my dear bisexual Moroccan friend called me and kept complaining to me from her ex's lunatic/psychotic fishy actions, I felt sorry for her and gave her some piece of advice, I had one more drink and landed peacefully at Lala Land.
I received one new SMS, it was Mr.B, images from the previous weekend kept coming and going, I remembered that I answered his call on that day and planned to do something on the next weekend, so I shortly realized what was the message for, It was almost 2AM, I texted him back that I'm drunk and partying in Zamalek, he invited me over, I was too drunk/emotional to resist the temptations of the Bonus sex so I texted him back that I will come if we will kiss and that he should call me every while to check up on me on my to Nasr City, I excused from my friends, I felt sorry for my friend whom I came with as I was supposed to drop him back to Maadi which made me wonder for a second if it’s worth it, anyway I was too drunk to function/think!

15 minutes later, I was waiting for him to open the door, there he was, still sexy but with 20 pounds less! Don't Know if it was the prolonged muscles disuse or if he is back to coke or whatever! I couldn't really care less!
We did the quick lame "catch-up" thing, I smoked two puffs from the joint, we jumped into bed, it was as easy as a pink bicycle with rainbow colored tassels hanging from the handle grips, once you knew how to ride it, you will never forget how to ride it again and again!

I woke up the next day having the worst hang-over ever! I tried to remember what happened last night, a slide show kept haunting me, How I was that emotional with him on bed?! How resting my head on his hairy chest was my dream apartment?! How we kept cuddling like 2 boyfriends and none of us discussed anything of the emotional electric flow/drama?! How I almost cried and hid my tears when I hardly tamed my tongue from spitting "I love you" and buried it inside his mouth instead?!
How my dignity let me approve to have bonus sex with him even though I knew that he will not contact me the next day?!

I lied to myself and convinced it that am just longing for a last time sex with him and that it is going to be only sex, what the fuck was I thinking?!

What the fuck has Jesus to do with it?!

I believe in God, I believe in Karma, I believe in the good in people, I believe that my freedom stops at the borders of other people's freedom, I believe that life is too short to argue about what is wrong and what is right for me and what’s right for other people, I only believe in Agnosticism and it feels good to believe in something!

Ibby is another fresh gay guy who is new into the lame gay dating websites and as I'm a magnet to this breed of guys lately, he smoothly found his way to my MSN list, impressed/trapped me by how well educated, well brought-up, stunning looking he is! And as he is new to this, he wasn't that self-confident with guys like the rest of his breed.
We chatted for 2 weeks or something during my exams without even seeing his face picture, everything was great, the online chemistry, the jokes, the indirect sex talk…etc Yes, I was so comfortable & so being myself with him which made me patient with him until I finished my exams and got a new laptop so I finally saw his face pictures and was mesmerized by how good-looking he is!
So we finally met after many long phone calls, I usually see failure coming when I chat or talk a lot with someone before we meet, anyway there he was, taller than me (which rarely happens), trimmed beard topped by edible lips and dazzling grayish green-colored eyes accompanied with eye blinding smile! He parked his car and got into mine, we cruised in that kinda remote area, I pulled over at my favorite place where I go to when I feel lonely or depressed or both so I can see Cairo from another point of view, he loved the spot, he sent me some shy vibes/ messages that he wants to kiss me , after a while we got back into the car, he stole a kiss while I was driving in the main street, it was cheesy and risky but very sexy and then his questions cloud hit my mystery cloud and it started to heavily rain !
Do you have gay friends? How many guys did you sleep with? How many years have you been into this? oh my god you are so young for all of that! Don't you get scared to put your pictures online? Are your parents religious or Kuffar(Agonists/Spiritual) like you? Wow! you are so brave to come out to your close straight male & female friends! you should stop smoking as it is bad for your health, OMG you smoke up like my ex. boyfriend? His hot cloud didn't last much in front of my cold cloud, soon enough the weather was clear again after my cold diplomatic and maybe shocking answers and explanations, he told me that he is searching for love with an innocent future boyfriend, I told him you can't search for love but you can enjoy your life, have sex, make friends and love will knock your door if you are lucky enough.... Give me a break and get over yourself PERIOD!

After 2 days, He invited me over at his place, he cooked lasagna and steak for lunch and chocolate pudding for desert, we dined downstairs in the dinning room, the food was surprisingly good until he imitated Martha Stewart while he is decorating the pudding with Maltesers saying "and now it’s time to put my little pearls" so I lost my appetite!
We went to watch "Le Fabuleux Destin D’Amélie Poulain" movie which we didn't continue as he wasn't that interested in watching so he switched to "mean girls" movie on MBC2, not the movie I expected to watch on a date but anyway it's always fun to watch that movie and it made me discover that he likes the girls' boobs and that he wants to try to have a girlfriend and that he wants to have a family!!!!
Anyway, I knew that it won't work so I thought of sleeping with him and turn him into a number among the numbers which he was afraid of & keen to know! And there it was, the big surprise, he has a small dick, he wanted to bareback me, I refused so it went soft and he was a top wannabe! No kissing as he thinks it is too personal! and he melted down as soon as my finger conquered his love tunnel!

Donc c’est fini! We(me and my cock) wanted different things and he hated my Agnosticism, so from now on no more " new" guys for me and no more guys who suffer from religious issues!

Newton once said, if two bodies interact, their forces are equal in magnitude and opposite in direction!

Welcome to my fucked-up world! Part II

“Encore des mots toujours des mots les mêmes mots
Rien que des mots
Des mots faciles des mots fragiles c'était trop beau
Bien trop beau

Mais c'est fini le temps des rêves!”

...Just had a usual fight with my parents about praying staying-up late, going out every night and the curfew so I decided to take a relaxing bath after finishing the lame cliché fight, opened the water, sat in the tab, lit a cigarette and let my thoughts flow but I couldn't help but remember that I last had a similar bath was with Mr. B when we spent that night at the hotel where I was holding a joint in my hand instead, a lustlicious vodka drink in the other hand and playing somewhere with my foot. The water drops over my head couldn't awake me to notice that the tab is more than full by now, I closed the water, turned my mood-setting songs on and lit another fag!
The son of a bitch was at his best mood over that night, he was so comfortable with me, most of the time he was the one who was running the conversation for a change, he told me about his life, how he was and he turned into, the name of psychological drugs that were prescribed to him (it was my 1st time to know about the drugs thing that night), how he was a coke addict back at the states, the depression that led him to think of committing suicide-no wonder he hates commitment lol-how he hated getting back to Egypt and not using his scholarship and how that increased his depression and arose the other shifty issues. B was so lovely that night, he was like a tempting BMW car, once you drive it , you will be mesmerized by how smooth, comfortable and Easy it is! Yes, I did nothing but getting in the gorgeous car and drive furiously but unfortunately I realized too late that it had no brakes!

I got dressed and went to meet my dear LEO Jordanian friend whom I haven't seen for along time, we met at my favorite restaurant in Zamalek though the weather wasn't encouraging but Thanks to ACs that evil fake invention I was there waiting him and as soon as he arrived, we had our "catch-up" then we had the juicy gossips for appetizer and of course Mr. B was the main dish and speaking of the devil, he called me few minutes later after we finished the dish, I wasn't that surprised because we were supposed to meet up few days ago, anyway it was the usual conversation that always ends-up of not meeting up as he calls in the end of the day so I can't meet him as I already made my plans and we hung-up by a promise to call each-others the next day to arrange something, so Mr. B is back again on the table, I talked more about him to my friend, he in turn asked me some questions which I already have/can't no answers to then I ended-up with the decision of calling him the next day and give him his very last chance which he couldn't receive as he didn't pick-up or call back....!

Now I finally decided to pull the hand brakes as I realized that the Prada airbags won't save me from crashing with my illusions that lasted more than 4 months in this unidentified relationship!

...proceed to part III

Welcome to my fucked-up world!

Do I always get attracted to the wrong guys? Do I really have commitment issues? Do I ask too much from one guy? And is it true that not good-looking people get married-whatever the commitment is-more than the good-looking one as they don't seek perfection?

.....Playing with my hair, smoking my favorite cigarette, reflecting, trying to remember guys I've met/done in the past two years, the crushes, the stalkers, the sexual crushes, the dating disasters, the assholes, the wannabes, the awesome one nightstands, the perfect fuck buddies and the unidentified relationships. But I could only concentrate & talk now about the last four guys!

B. is a decent, classy, bisexual-oh really?!-, around my age, shares the same mentality, quite sexy but psycho! What was I doing?! How am I still talking to him?! How would any sane guy date someone who is on about four psychological medicaments? How did I bare his crappy mood-swings, his shitty chronic bipolarity, his personality disorders, his inability to sexually perform without being stoned or drunk and and...?! Was it the guilty feelings of letting him down that kept haunting me whenever I decide to leave him alone with his issues that he can't change? Yes, I had the extremely desperate hope that he will change one day and appreciate that I was
there for him, that pretty future image which was giving me some faith but apparently the image
was like a fake fabulous "Prada" bag which was shiny from outside but "Nada" from inside!

It's just I can't! I really don't know how to detach myself! I spent a lot of time in this
unidentified relationship, a lot of bed sheets, an awesome night together in the hotel and
definitely huge effort to turn him from someone who doesn't even kiss to someone who tops the
rimming job and from someone who wasn't aware of how things work in our special world to someone who is aware enough now to be Mr.right for anyone else! and they call me impatient!
Writing the previous lines, made me figured out that lately I'm a magnet to the guys who are
new into the gay world!

Anyway, these were just some thoughts that ran through my head lately in the occasion of
celebrating myself for being single for 2 years by the next Sunday(July the 13th)!

Go to part two

Graphics by: Mazin A.Jeffery

Get a LIFE people!

I don't know if I was wrong but I hope one day someone will understand what I think or what I believe or what I do, It is just it is too depressing that am surrounded with too many judgmental, hypocritical and schizophrenic mentalities in my/our society in Egypt.

Why people don't understand that everything in life is very subjective, wrong and right is totally about how you see it and there is nothing normal or should be normal in our lives but there should be "in my point of view" and "in your point of view".

We've had sex, done drugs, had abortions, partied, prayed, dated, married, divorced, cheated, travelled, jammed, bitched, gotten arrested, gossiped, revolted, spoke up, criticized, bent over, slapped, gotten slapped, danced, listened, loved, gone gay and straight, turned to God, inquired, gotten drunk, stoned...and written all about it! So shove the schizophrenia & double standards up your arse!

I believe that "Fear" is the ultimate thing by which you can rule people and make them your perfect slaves, they would fear of anything but you just have to make that thing so mysterious and dim like fear of-drum rolls-going 2 hell, death, god, getting caught, people's bla bla, that someone would know your deepest fantasies...etc

However, these were just thoughts of a guy next door!

Graphics by: Mazin A.Jeffery