Gayja-vu?

"So tell you what? We're gonna forget about Mr. Huxley today and we're gonna talk about fear. Fear, after all, is our real enemy. Fear is taking over our world. Fear is being used as a tool of manipulation in our society. It's how politicians peddle policy. It's how Madison Avenue sells us things that we don't need. Think about it. Fear of being attacked. Fear of that there are communists lurking around every corner. Fear of that some little Caribbean country that doesn't believe in our way of life poses a threat to us. Fear that black culture may take over the world. Fear of Elvis Presley's hips. Actually, maybe that one is a real fear. Fear that our bad breath might ruin our friendships. Fear of growing old and being alone. The of that we're useless and that no one cares what we have to say."
Prof. George Huxley - "A single man" movie

After watching this outstanding movie, this particular quote moved me a lot. I related to it and felt that it spoke to me, I actually wrote about fear in my very first blog post!
We all live in fear indeed! But it's not only about what we are afraid of, I believe it's more about our inner fears. No matter how well we hide them and how much we want to believe that there is nothing out there to fear! We all get into "fear" episodes every now and then; Fear that one of the gay-affiliated places in Egypt would turn into another "Queen boat" fiasco. Fear that one day the country's regime would drive you into seeking asylum in an European/Western country. Fear that one day you'd get arrested because I'm a homosexual blogger. Fear of self-loathing homosexuals even more than homophobes. Fear that blogs like mine and yours would be blamed by closeted-cases for spotting the light on homosexuals in Egypt. Fear that my blog would be some kind of a self-documentary that I'd hate one day. Fear that others unreason you in order to safeguard their own idea of reality. The Fear of both atheists and believers that their belief could be just an Utopian escape/denial from reality. Fear that my parents would know about my atheism. Fear that Salafism would become the norm!

Fear that you're too narcissistic that you'd turn yourself on. Fear of the truth that you could be too much of a whore. Fear that your eyes would squint instead of rolling back in your head while orgazming. Fear of losing your sexual stamina. Fear that you were just caught up in the moment and it meant more to you than the other person. Fear that others don't see hickeys sexy and aphrodisiac but rather unclassy and cheap. Fear of HIV!
Fear that you might have messiah complex but you don't know it yet, and this explains all the corrupted guys you have dated. Fear of love to the extent that it takes you some time to truly believe that you are in love. Fear that you'd miss your single life although you are in a healthy relationship. Fear that your bf would easily leave you. Fear that you'd screw up your relationship because you are too self absorbed to put yourself in anyone else's shoes. Fear that you would suffocate your better half with your draining love. Fear that you'd get sexually bored of your bf. Fear that your mood swings would become so severe to the extent that you'd swing out of love. Fear that you lose the one you love because of reasons beyond you and him. Fear that a feisty Pisces would bite off your Scorpio tail and head one day!

Fear that you won't attend a Madonna's concert before you die or she quits, whichever is sooner. Fear that you're really as stereotypical as everybody else. Fear of not belonging. Fear of not liking it if you belonged. Fear of feeling so left out. Fear of losing control. Fear that things don't end up the way you want. Fear of making no sense. Fear of making too much sense. Fear of letting go. Fear of losing your possessions. Fear that even your thoughts would be judged. Fear of rather being good than happy. Fear that you're not as good or evil as people give you credit for. Fear that you would no longer differentiate between sins and evil. Fear that you would no longer be able to quiet that voice in your head that keeps saying "maybe I shouldn't!". Fear that you would get completely startled and donno what to say. Fear that you reduce to hysterics under the slightest bit of stress. Fear that you'd become so anti-social that the bathroom of any party/place would be your only sanctuary. Fear that people just make different choices but in the end life is all hard for us. Fear that you may be subconsciously pushing your friends into ending their friendship with you. Fear that everything and everyone in your life could be just a toy whether sexual or emotional or friendlish one..etc and you keep changing them or swinging from one to another then destroying it. Fear of cutting your hand not to die but to erase your inner pain by physically outing it to the world. Fear of self destruction...!

The amount of fears varies and that's how our personalities are shaped and how our inhibitions & repressions are made up, but what calm down your fears is your friends, your beloved one or maybe your psychiatrist and sometimes your drug of choice!

Ich habe keine Geduld!

I feel that for my entire life, I've always been running in some kind of a mental marathon and I've rarely caught my breath. I keep running away from the past, pushing the present and running so fast to the future. Running against social norms and violating them. Running against livid states of body, running against useless emotions, running over my demons, running into nihilistic states of mind. Running into denial, running away from denial, running away from my mother's sheer pressure, running away from my father's passive aggression, running away from psychological clichés, running into dehumanizing, running with an agenda, running to scheming, plotting and manipulating. Running with questions, running for answers, running with snide sarcasm. Running over thorns to get my roses. Running away from gray zones, preconceptions and prejudice. Running far beyond my limits, my age, my maturity and my perception. Running to perfection, running away from the void, emptiness, living bubbles. Running away from my ivory tower.

I feel that my body is trapped in the present while my mind is in the future and my soul keeps going back and forth, sometimes it stays in a twilight zone and sometimes it goes in a different tense of time that I'm not sure how to explain but it's more like an oblivion or a parallel world!

I also feel that I push others to run when they cover up their failures by their self-claimed mental disabilities. Also When they think they can't keep up running with me, when they get intimidated, when they run back to their cocoons, when they inhibit their inner whore, when they are not cavalier about love and sex. When they are a Freudian nightmare, when they cling into norms, when they make a whole gay parade out of it. When they think they are right, when they think they are wrong. When I see right through them and when they no longer challenge me.

But the worst thing is to stop running, you feel empty and maybe that's how we get asphyxiated and the after-life is just the complete void that you keep running away from!

So shall I stop or shall you stop me? Or Who should stop whom?

P.S I already have two unfinished posts in draft but I don't know what happened that made my thoughts flow smoothly into writing this post, but I like it when this kind of inspiration happens randomly!

De Vienna rowda mel Ganna!

I really donno where or how to start writing about my trip to Vienna to celebrate 1st anniversary with Sunny. The city is really amazing; well-organized, breathtaking architecture, great urban planning and it's too green that it looked like a big golf course from the plane! You also get to feel at night that "the city really slept". When everything closes down. When you feel that every simple thing has a sound, so you start wondering what kind of shape does the silence have? A shape of an umbrella to protect you against the rain of the little noise that the city has? Or maybe it's a package, where the secret comes from!

Being with Sunny in his home country was amazing, I saw a side of him that I never saw before. It made me feel him more, his culture, his way of thinking, his lifestyle. I was so happy when he was showing me around and telling me this and that about his country and its endless stories.
It was the perfect timing in our relationship for this trip, Although I was a little bit worried if it will be suffocating to live together for 2 weeks but to the contrary, it felt great! I loved every second of it! I loved the idea of being able to instantly tell him anything on my mind without having to text him or call him or waiting until I see him. I also feel-now that I'm back to Cairo-that now is the time for the step of moving in together so that our relationship grow even more.
Being the "foreigner" felt kind of weird but in a good way, they don't stare at you in the streets like here in Egypt, nobody would judge you or point or make fun of you even if you were wearing a crazy outfit. It makes you feel that people here in Egypt have literally got no life, they are stuck in a vicious circle of corrupted or misunderstood religions, politics, norms..etc!
It was very liberating not to feel "odd" or "not fitting in" or to be able to kiss in public(cheesy but I couldn't help it) or publicly display intimacy or simply not having to "justify your love"! I felt it even more when I've met his family, had dinners with them, got closer to them, felt welcomed and they're just so...so complete in a way. Like they have something that I will never have, ever. Either I wasn't born with it, or it was beaten out of me, or maybe, maybe I made myself into a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I really am a borderline personality. Or maybe I excessively believed that you cannot design a life that works without first drafting a clear blueprint. And you cannot construct a life that has meaning without first laying a solid foundation. You are the architect of your life. Not your emotionally distant father. Not your overly critical mother. Not your petty, fair-weather friends. You!
It made me wonder; what are we supposed to believe? That the same god who made us wants us to be lonely & frustrated all our lives while the rest of world is free to make love and have families? And if it's what God intended, to have a family, to have faith, and to have a normal life. And if God challenges us like this, so we'll choose good, so we'll triumph over evil. Then it's not a choice. God already made the choice for me!

Being with someone really changes you somehow. You become less self-centered. You start thinking about everything in your life in a different way, even the little tiny details. You smile whenever your partner thinks or says the same thing like you in the same time. You wouldn't feel insecure when he sees through your walls. You feel that there is still more to your relationship in the future just when you see a certain look in his eyes, or when you discover interesting sides of him every now and then, or when he discovers a new spot in your body that you never knew before how much it turns you on, or when your anniversary dinner is on the Danube just like how your first date was on the Nile!

P.S the post title is a tribute for Asmahan's "Layali El Ons" song about Vienna
PPS you can follow me on twitter now!

In a search for a sanctuary

I don't really know what I'm supposed to feel right now. Is anger what I'm feeling right now? Or is it depression? or being clueless? or just plain sadness? And if it's any of that, who or what should I be feeling that at/about?
Psychology says that when you lack empathy and don't know what emotion you are feeling or should be feeling then you are a psychopath. So, am I one?
They say that psychopathy can get a bad rap. it doesn't necessarily mean you are violent. Just that you're completely without conscience, you lack any normal emotion, you manipulate everyone around you, you're promiscuous and you lie pathologically.

What am I supposed to do when I feel clueless? when I'm trying so hard to get a travel permit to leave the country just for two weeks to celebrate my anniversary with my better half but the military authorities make it harder and harder for me, no matter how hard I try! And just because they have more power over you, they abuse it to feel superior or to feel a pathetic sense of self-worth. I wish that just once people wouldn't patronizingly act like the clichés that they are!
I mean what's the worst thing that would happen? that I'd leave, never come back and skip my ridiculous army nonsense service? Even if that happened, so what?! Why do they give a fuck! We are a population of 80 million, what will tragically happen if one or two or even a million guy left and skipped their obligatory service? They already can skip the service even without leaving the country, so it's not logical at all what they are doing!

And it even pisses me off more when people think they can control your life just because they have bigger power over you. If you are living in a third world country that is ruled by the army then all military authorities have more power over you. If you are living in a country that's not secular then all men of religion have a power over you. Well, fuck you all! You all need to understand that you can't control things. Nobody can. There's only one thing that's certain; Everything changes.

I'm not blowing this out of proportion and I'm not acting like a drama queen. I'm just so pissed right now. I wish I can just get upset without having to focus on what's really making me upset! ARGHH!@#*^%$^!

حين ميسرة

This post had to be written in Arabic slang(you'll know later why) and it contains explicit sexual content which of course will be more tearing to your eyes when it's written in Arabic slang, also because BBC said that we(Egyptian gays) are more comfortable talking about sex only in English, so here you go! And you've been warned!

التدوينة دى كان لازم تبقى بالعامية المصرية(هتعرفوا السبب بعد شوية)و محتواها ممكن يكون ابيح زيادة عن اللزوم لشوية منكم و لشوية تانيين لأ! بس انا واثق ان السعودية حتحمد ربنا انها منعت البلوج بتاعى من قبل ما التدوينة دى تتنشر

المشهد الأول
سافرت اسكندرية يوم الاتنين اللى فات مع ماما و اختى عشان نغير جو و كمان كان بفى لهن سنين ما راحوش اسكندرية. المهم, نزلنا فى شقة كان الشارع بتاعها ضيق فخفت على العربية(السيارة بالسعودى) تتخبط او تتجرح, فبواب العمارة(كتر خيره) قال لى ان فى جراج بعدينا بعمارتين ممكن اركن فيه بعشرة جنيه فى الليلة, فدخلت الجراج و ركنت, الجراج عبارة عند ارض كبيرة فاضية ملك شركة ما و بانيين عليها بيوت صغيرة كدا شبه العشوائيات نوعا ما.



نفس اليوم باليل لما دخلت الجراج تانى بعد ما كنت مع اهلى شفت "عبده" سايس من سياس الجراج! طويل, رفيع, ناشف, عنده دقن تقيلة, حالق شعره, من الاخر شكله دكر نيك و بابتسامة و شفايف بنت وسخة! فقلت افتح معاه اى حوار; سألته(بشرمطة شوية) لو ينفع يغسلى العربية و عرفت اسمه ايه و ان الناس بتقول له عبده.
طلعت البيت و مش فى دماغى حاجة لأن انا عمرى ما عملت حاجة مع اللى زى عبده, كانوا دايما بالنسبة لى بيبقوا مجرد فانتازى اتخيلها و اهيج عليها(الفانتازى) مع نفسى و اجيبهم بس عمرى ما جربت اعمل معاهم حاجة لانه كنت بحس ان شكلى مش الشكل اللى يعجبهم, كنت بحس دايما انهم بيحبوا البييض المقلوزين المدلعين و الجيرلى شوية, ده غير انى ما عملتش حاجة قبل كده مع اى حد مش جاي اصلا!

تانى يوم نزلت لقيت العربية ما اتغسلتش لسه و لقيت عبده عند بوابة الجراج, فلومته على عدم غسيلها, فاعتذر لى و مسح الازاز و قال لى بليل هيغسلهالى كلها و خرجت بعديها مع اصحابى اعمل شوبنج و بعدين رجعت البيت تانى عشان استنى خالى لما يجي و اقعد معاه شوية قبل ما اخرج اسهر, فدخلت الجراج و لقيت عبده فقلت له انى زعلان منه اوى عشان ما غسلش العربية امبارح فلقيته فتح باب العربية و ركب جانبى و قال لى ادخل عشان يركنلي العربية, استغربت شوية بس انتهزت الفرصة و سألته على رقم موبايله عشان اكلمه باليل و انا راجع عشان يعرف العربية مركونة فين و يغسلها.
ركنت فى حتة ضالمة شوية و لقيت عبده بيسألنى لو معايا سيجارة, فاديته واحدة بحسن نية, راح هو مطلع حتة حشيش صغيرة و قالى هيعمل معايا احلى واجب....انا شفت منظر عبده و هو راكب جانبى و نور الصالون منعكس على وشه و الحشيش و السجاير على حجره, هجت فى ثانية زى المراهق اللى هيعمل سكس لأول مرة فى حياته!
طلعنا برة العربية و سموكنا الݘوينت و قعدت افتح معاه مواضيع على الجواز و الهيجان و التعب اللى الشباب فيه الخ الخ الخ و حكى لى انه كان سهران مرة مع واحد ليبى و كان الليبى ده جايب شراميط بس هو(عبده) مالوش فى السكة دى...المهم خلصنا الݘوينت و قال لى ان الموضوع ده يبقى سر بيننا, قلت له اكيد و قلت له كمان انى هكلمه و انا مروح باليل عشان نسموك ݘوينت سوا فى العربية!



قابلت صاحبى و حكيتله على اللى حصل و انا مش مصدق! فقلت له انى لازم اعمل اى حاجة مع عبده و ان الموضوع هيبقى سهل دلوقتى بعد الخطوة اللى عبده عملها معايا, بس انا ما كنتش عايز يبقى فى فرصة لاى احراج بينى و بينه(عبده) لو اتشرمط عليه وجها لوجه!
فقلت انا و صاحبى ان احنا نكلم عبده من موبايله(صاحبى) و نتشرمط عليه و نشوف ايه نظامه!
و حصل اللى كان نفسى فيه! قعدنا نتشرمط عليه لحد ما عبده قال لصاحبى "تعالى و انا هظبتك و ارووحك مبسوط على الاخر بس انت تستحمل زبرى!"

المشهد الثانى
حششت مع صاحبى و جهزت ݘوينت عشان اسموكه مع عبده, و دخلت الجراج لقيت عبده قاعد على كرسى و فاتح رجله و زبره شكله يهبل فى البنطلون و عينه لمعت اول ما شافنى و دخل العربية و على وشه ابتسامة وسخة نيك!
قلت له تعالى نركن فى حتة متدارية عشان نبقى براحتنا, فركنت جنب ميكروباص و قدامى سور و فى جنبى التانى سور. عبده قالى اطفى نور العربية فطفيته و ولعت الݘوينت و سألنى عملت ايه النهارده و ايه نظامى...الخ الخ فسألته اذا كان فى ازازه ميا فى الباب اللى جنبه, و روحت موطى عليه عشان اشوفها موجودة ولا لأ و روحت محسس على زوبره و انا طالع, فعبده ضحك و قال لى عادى و خد راحتك..فقعدت العب له فى زوبره شوية من فوق البنطلون فقال لى تعالى نطلع بره العربية.
فطلعت و روحت له, قال لى لف فلفيت و بقى هو واقف فى ضهرى بين العربية و الميكروبس, قال لى ظيزك حلوة نيك و سألنى عايزه؟ فلت له اسنتى عايز امصه ليك الأول, فشدنى من ايدى و جابنى ورا الميكروباص, روت نازل على ركبى على الارض اللى كانت حواليها زبالة و قلبى عمال يدق فى الثوانى اللى بنزل فيها عشان امص له, راح منزل البنطلون شوية و خرجلى زوبره و ماكنش لابس اندر وير و كان زوبره كبير و على الغير المتوقع كان نضيف اووووى حتى كان حالق شعر زوبره...انا شوفت المنظر ده و بصيت لزوبره و للفوطه البرتقالى بتاعات الغسيل اللى فى جيبه و بصيت لفوق على وشه و على المكان حوالينا, حسيت انى فى فيلم حين ميسرة! كنت فى قمة هياجانى, فقعدت امصله و بعدين اخد نفس من الݘوينت و بعدين امصله و فضلت على كده لحد ما شدنى لقوق و لفنى و تف على زوبره عشان يدخله, انا روحت فاتح طيزى بايد و بسموك بالايد التانية و فجأة حسيت بألم مميت فى طيزى فصرخت و زقيته عبده لورا و بعدين لقيت صوت الكلاب جاى من بعيد و بيقرب ناحيتنا! فلبست شورتى بسرعة و عبده وقفنى وراه و قعد يبعد الكلاب عنى و قال لى تعالى نشوف حتة تانية!



فضلت ماشى وراه جوة الجراج بندور على حتة ينيكنى فيها, اتكلمنا شوية و سألنى ليه ما قلتلوش من اول ما جيت على طلبى فقلت له ما كنتش اعرف ان طلبى عندك و بعدين سألنى اذا كنت نمت مع رجالة كتير قبل كده فقلت له لأ مش كتير اوى هم كام واحد و خلاص..فضلنا ماشيين و بنتكلم و لقيته وقف عند اوضة ضالمة و قال لى ادخل جوا بس ما تعملش صوت, سألته و انا مرعوب(و زوبرى واقف فى نفس الوقت) هو فى حد جوة؟ قال لى لأ بس ما تعملش صوت و دخل هو و انا بصيت حواليا و دخلت وقفلت الباب ورايا و كانت الاوضة ضالمة كحل فقلت له عبده انا مش شايف حاجة! فشدنى من ايدى و نزلنى على زوبره و قال لى مص ياض! قعدت امصله بتاع 5 دقايق كده و بعدين راح مقومنى و لفنى تانى و دفس زوبره جوايا و فضل ثابت من غير حركة ثوانى و بعدين ابتدا ينيك على خفيف و احنا واقفين و هو حاضنى فشخ و بإيد بيلعبلى فى زوبرى و بالإيد التانية ماسكنى من كتفى و شاددنى عليه!
انا حسيت انى فى الجنة! بس نزلت على الارض تانى لما افتكرت انى بتناك بيرباك! فقلت له مش قادر يا عبده خرجه فاستنى دقيقة و بعدين خرجه و فال لى اي خدمة, تمام كده يا بيه؟ قلت له استنى اجيبهم, فاستنى كده دقيقتين بس انا ما عرفتش اجيبهم و انا واقف على رجلى و
موجوع فقلت له خلاص يلا بينا!

قال لى انه متجوز اتنين فضحكت و قلت له يا بختهم بيك فقال لى بس انا على كده عايز علبة لبن عشان اكفيك انت و ام العيال! و بعدين سألنى لو عايز حد تانى يظبطنى معاه! انا طلعت الجنة تانى بعد الجملتين دول و ضحكت و قلت له ماشى بس ابقى وريهولى الاول و انا اقول لك رأي, عشان انا بحب اللى معايا يبقى شكله دكر كده زيك, فضحك و قال لى ماشى يا بيه!

المشهد الثالث
تانى يوم لقيت عبده بيسألنى معايا حشيش ولا لأ و اذا اعرف اجيبله واحدة بنت يظبطها و كده فقلت له ان شاء الله و قلت له احتمال اجيب حشيش بالليل, و بعدين و انا بتمشى للعمارة قعدت اقول لنفسى هو هيعد يقرفنى بقى فى الطالعة و النازلة ولا ايه, لأ انا لازم افهمه انى مش عايز وجع دماغ!
و طلعت البيت و اتفقت مع اصحابى هنتقابل امتى و هنسهر فين النهادره, بعدين دخلت استحميت و لبست نفس الشورت اللى كنت لابسه لعبده امبارح و قعدت اعمل شعرى قدام المرايا, فجأة حسيت انى ميرﭭت من فيلم "بئر الحرمان" لما كانت بتنزل كل ليلة بنفس الفستان الاحمر و تنام مع السواق فى الجراج!



المهم نزلت و محضر فى دماغى الكلام اللى هقوله لعبده لو جه يصدعنى تانى, بس لقيته بيعرفنى على واحد اسمه رمضان على اساس ان رمضان ده يطلعلى العربية من الركنة, و لقيت رمضان ده مبسوط بنفسه اوى و بيبصلى و بيغمزلى, فطلعت بالعربية و رجعت لعبده و قلت له ايه يا عبده ده؟ قال لى ايه رأيك يا بيه فى رمضان؟ قلت له ده شكله مش حلو و كبير و رفيع فى نفسه كده, ايه يا عم ده! قال لى بس ده كورباك يا بيه! قلت لأ بلاش قرف! انا قلت لك انا عايز حد دكر زيك كده مش اللى انت جايبهولى ده! فضحك و قال لى خلاص ماشى يا بيه, و بعدين قلت له انا مسافر بكرا و مش عارف هاجى تانى امتى, قال لى ماشى سلام يا صاحبى و ابتسم و قال لى كلمنى لما تيجى اسكندرية تانى!

و سافرت و انا على امل انى اشوفه تانى لما اروح اسكندرية المرة الجاية, هدخل الجراج و اركن و عبده يركب(العربية مش حاجة تانية) و تبقى احسن عشرة جنيه دفعتها فى حياتى!

ملحوظة: عبده و رمضان مش موجودين فى اى صورة من الصور بس فى صورة للأوضة
ملحوظة 2: العربية لسة ما اتغسلتش لحد دلوقتى

Wrinkle wrinkle bigger scar!

Another year, another post, another reflection, another weirdness feeling when checking old posts and their comments, another mixed feelings of happiness, pride and worrying, will it last? How long will I still be able to push the envelope? Do I get better or worse or standing still? Shall I stop blogging after I got featured on Cleo magazine, appeared on BBC, doing an interview with a German radio station soon and getting blog-ly blocked in KSA?

Anyhow, my Cancerian blog is two years old now and as a tradition; I'm dedicating the post to my readers and their comments!

I totally agree with u sara!

Ice, ice, ice, ego is a bad ally, don't u think that putting ur armor back on will just lock u inside urself even more? I mean after all, whether the shrink is right or wrong he hits ur most tender spots, moves u from ur being ok with the current situation, even if it is painful, to a better one. Therapies are not easy, and they never make u feel better, in fact they r tough and painful and exhausting, but after all, u don't grow a tree by just throwing a seed, u have to break ur back with hard work to finally see just a tiny fragile sprout, and then u work even harder to keep it alive.
I personally would keep on moving forward instead of trying to go backwards to the pre-therapy you.

p.s.Try the car before buying it?!!!
By MariannE_N on "The exorcism of the gay me!"

I really wonder how the shrink and the parents will ever make it for you for all those horrible moments when they made you feel as though something was wrong with you. The shrink should be helping you and your parents come to terms with who you really are and that's it!
By Marwa Rakha on "Self-degaying, self-decaying?"

surprisingly i know IQ personally and know he is not making it up...

Marwa.. i do like your comment but again thats in an idealistic world... though.. when in the real world we have to tip toe across what lies beneath us.. i just cant and help of think of one thing IQ.. fast forward five years from now and how you will remember this time... i believe at this moment reading your latest post i can say hatred towards the family beginning to start... becareful of that as you dont want to start a rift.. remember you are still co-dependent on them .. and not your friends since you dont work .. and you are still a university student...

you know about me... you know i am going through something similiar yet not so similar as you are dealing only with your whole family i am dealing with my brother... where as you are very defensive on them... i am actually starting to open up my mind to other things.. not turning str8 because he does accept that i am gay .. they just want me to live in a celibate life... either way... the beautiful thing with my brother he doesnt expect something to occur from one day... he doesnt expect me to become straight.. he is geniunly concerned of my after life...

now what i am trying to say is you have to admit regardless if we are gay or str8 me and you push the limits sometimes....

how many sex partners we had in the past 4 years ?
how many drunken weeks/weekends have we had in the past year ?
mow much drugs have we consumed ?

maybe when yo go tell your therapist you want to be str8 he wont believe you directly ... so why not tell him you want to be the best version of YOU... tell i want to take baby steps first ... by cutting down on drinking and sex etc... and regardless of your therapist advise or what deep down you do know that cutting down on that its good for us... not only on religious level, but for your body, mind, soul.
By Q on "Self-degaying, self-decaying?"

We should remember that it's difficult to have a dialogue with young guys about insecurities or ambiguity or uncertainty. For example, you can bust open your heart to a young guy and you'll get a cliche response like: "You shouldn't care what people think" or "You have to live for what's important to you" or "You have to be yourself" without understanding that, first, you already understand all that a lot better than they do, and second, part of understanding is an awareness that you can't maintain meaningful work or personal relationships without caring what other people think, and third, that said young guy (and all young guys) himself cares more about what people think than he even realizes yet.

I know my example is painting all young guys with the same heavy brush stroke. The "You shouldn't care what other people think" is just an example. We young folks have a multitude of untested Oprah-style slogans that we are just beginning to explore. I'm probably the poster-boy when it comes to my own mind fuckery, so I'm interested in Q's position and the ensuing discussion.

Mr Q is just another example of the young gay guy testing out what works and doesn't work in his lifestyle. Hopefully, he finds his way.
By Guerrilla Sodomite on "Self-degaying, self-decaying?"

There is one thing to have a religious fetish, and its a totally different thing to resort to distasteful insinuations to increase your readership.
I personally find it pathetic and a very sad excuse for being "controversial".
But then again, ever the attention-seeking queen that you are, you will do anything to get people talking about what you "write", if I can call it "writing" at all.
And what I find absolutely infuriating is that pseudo-serious attitude you take towards established religion.
You are not "taking down" religion, God forbid, to actually critique it or give us some new insight, or even let us question age-old negative attitudes, no, you are being vulgar, disrespectful with half-baked ideas that are very badly written!
If you don't have anything better to say about homoeroticism of same-sex communities or the traditions that Muslims believe in (being negative or positive) than you would do us all a big favor and keep your "intense, sexy Scorpio" mouth shut!!
By E on "Sin-me my Sunni!"

Oh Man you are gifted...with such overly smart way of writing and all..how long does it take you to write such amazing posts?!! La2 the point is it's not just crafty well-written la2 w so professionally funny kaman, and believe me I don't say that so often.. :)

Oh man...that's all I can say right now...donno what's with me, it's like I can't comment anymore..it's like I khalas can't write anything simple and fathomable...hehe but I liked this post A LOT that I had to write anything...

ROCK ON...and keep us updated.
By Innate_Inanenuss on "Sin-me my Sunni!"

You've got quite a few people going down on you spIce (and not in the good way). I'd say they should press the red X in the corner so they can get off (again, not in the good way), but I believe topics like this can use a little more fight club, get some discussion aroused (one last time, not in the good way).

Scene I. Once I find out that the most attractive man in the world is one of those Amr Khaled sheep I am absolutely turned off, yet you seem to be on the opposite end. It is interesting how you channel your feelings into a sexual energy. You might not support suicide bombers, but you sure like to see those Muslim brothers blow.

Scene II. Also interesting is how you've painted a preternatural battle of powers, your faith in astrology vs the veil of organized religion. You follow your own orthodoxy to joust with others, a yin yang effect almost.

Scene III. On this I actually do have intellectual differences with you on using the word "womanizer", which is usually used as an insult. Not only does it seem quite odd that you would use this term on someone when you yourself actively sexually objectify other individuals, but this is a misnomer to describe one of the most influential figures in human history. I understand it was made in the context of a joke and the endowment of your friend, however I do advocate you to separate the religious aesthetics of this man and study the role he played socially and politically to become so successful on the level of a secular leader, notable atheist and non-Muslim historians in the West have written their appreciation of his accomplishments.

Sounds like you had a lot of fun nevertheless :D

kel sana wento salmeen!
By Guerrilla Sodomite on "Sin-me my Sunni!"

Only sick minds think of a same-sex friendship as something sexual. One word comes to mind reading what you wrote "human devils" or "shayateen al ens". Do you know what does that mean? do you realize that you seem to only view life from a sexual point of view? do you realize that you are luring others to sins as well? do you ever think of the results of what you are doing?how could you even dream of having a stable life even with another same-sex person when you are bed hopping like that?
So, since this is how you feel about the religion you "officially" belong to, i take it you do not play pretend-fasting? I also take it that you are taking steps to make sure you are not listed as Muslim and revealing the sad truth to your parents that you do not care for them, you do not care for your end, you do not care for the money spent to send you to a doctor to help you out.
What is it with many who are in the business of insulting holy religions particularly Islam in our society that in real life they are nothing but cowards. You choose to conceal your reality, you play pretend-Muslim the whole time you have no balls to come out not about your sexual abnormal choices, not about your choice not to believe in Islam (which is fine as long as u realize that your freedom not to worship any does not equal the freedom to insult a prophet or a religion).
Show us you have the balls you keep on bothering us about.
By Anonymous on "Sin-me my Sunni!"

I think it's funny how EVERYONE is critiquing you. If you're offended you're offended. Don't manufacture the context of this post according to your own offended perception. Take the piece for the context in which it was written. I think it says a lot about a person when they can't keep objectivity. E, I'm talking about you. It's unattractive and highly unintelligent for a person to skew their perceptions of context to fuel their anger.
By Anonymous on "Sin-me my Sunni!"

I am trying to understand how you are forced to be homosexual.
How is that different from someone straight who is a sex addict? or someone who likes to be with too many women or men? Dont you think that each one of us was given a temptation (probably a set of them but theres always one that is stronger than the others)? wanting to be rich, wanting to have more money and possessions,women, men, drinking, fame, liking ppls praise, sickness of some kind, lack of kids, difficult kids, etc. Do you believe that all ppl give in? Would you say that most give in?
IQ you mentioned that you found yourself cursed in all religions well, do you think God asks us not to do things just to annoy us? Isnt there a legit reason for the few things we are asked not to do, few in comparison to the millions of things we are allowed to do? I personally understood God as not hating any one, if we are asked not to do something its because in the end its not good for us and us does include me and the overall benefit of the society.
Why picking and caring so much about the ekhwan and monakabat? I believe in the religion but likewise I never liked their preaching and I dnt like how many of their girls misunderstood (in my opinion) the whole purpose and aims of the religion but I dnt get bothered to that extent. For me, you are just like them the extreme, each on the opposite side of it of course.
Finally, for me it feels this is not the same person who wrote the prev post. I dnt know which one is you or how the two of them co-exist (apparently they do). I do hope you find the right path because beyond all this I believe your mind is still asking and wondering and your heart is not at all settled. The most difficult thing is to take a step back and away from where we are and to really think and look for the answers and the answers in this particular issue are not easy at all.
By Anonymous on "There is no such thing as talent, there is pressure?"

As long as you are happy being gay, the rest doesn't matter.
Religion isn't oppression, God regardless of the name is Freedom, so be happy and choose a partner that loves you truly :)
By Anonymous on "There is no such thing as talent, there is pressure?"

This is definitely a post to remember, I mean, every diva in the gay world remembers every bitch who happened to hit her head on the pavement & decide to stand up to the grand diva .. BRING IT OUT BIATCH.. Loved the analogy

Great post, it is sad I didn't catch it en temporum.
By OpeRon on "A post to remember"

lol i gotta give it to you some of the shit you write is really funny and clever. retro-baptism. loves it.
By M on "Your dick before we click! [Republished]"

So here are my thoughts about your post
-Last post got me over my homophobia,but now i think that everyone's Gay!
-anyway you are 20-ish why are you sleeping with a 40 y/o?!
-I'm not judging here,but couldnt you atleast not have sex during Ramadan!
-and i dont understand the last part,you Slept With Three Professors at The AUC?!
-There are 3 Gay professors at AUC *still not judgin,just wondering*:D
By Anonymous on "Your dick before we click! [Republished]"

For some, sex is the appetizer, for others it's just the entire meal, and for the rest of us it's the dessert.

In your case it was the appetizer, now that you're moving on to the main course (dating), it seems you are learning not to spoil your dinner by taking chocolate from an AUC professor, or anyone else.

Enjoy every course of your meal with this guy, and who knows ? You might keep *coming* for seconds.



I'm hungry now.
By Guerrilla Sodomite on "Your dick before we click! [Republished]"

I love how random you are :D
By Dyke In Saudi on "The Princess and the Pea"

hehehehehe So happy for u !

loved what u called urself :D

and in an earlier comment I told u that u r falling right? hehehe it always feels nice to say I told you so !

good luck
By BaTaBeeT on "Not so Icy after all?"

Putting aside who we might think is right or wrong, you're both in the same situation and reacting in the same way. In her eyes, you're wrong and she wants you to change. In your eyes, she's wrong and you want her to change.

I'm sure once you are financially independant enough and able to move out, your relationship with your mum will improve. Until then I suppose it's her house, her rules!? Fair enough in my opinion :)

x
By Ninja on "Why is it that we see what we want to believe when we don't believe what we see?"

It's like you're talking about my mom.
It's not about being gay, it's a mother thing...of course you being gay magnifies it, but each mother has a part of that in her, with some more extreme than others.
They want what's best for us yet they do not know what's best for us to begin with.
And we're in Egypt after all... your life is never yours in Egypt, at least as long as you're living under the same roof as your parents.
we should get together for a 'mother issues' venting :)
By silent observer on "Why is it that we see what we want to believe when we don't believe what we see?"

It really touched me deeply, the part where your boyfriend sent you the message, its really CUTE and DEPRESSING at the same time, My eyes almost were teary, the whole part of standing in the garden alone also. but glad that things got better when your boyfriend came...and that you are now more organized about your friends, that's better, and a daring thing what you have done (:
Happy new year to you too!
By Anonymous on "The joke was on me?"

Well, I wasn't there, but I was there, guess how !?
I met some random first-time guys that night late after the midnight and they were gossiping about that party when the teenager host got furious and threw it all on their faces and that that was so unexpected and unaccepted (as they claimed), but later after spending some time with them, Man, U had all the right, lol

Keep growing, we all do, just try not to show growth marks ;)
By MSG on "The joke was on me?"

Awww.. that is awesome, I would be surprised if there was a report with the keywords Egypt - Sex - Blog and Gay, and yours wasn't mentioned.

Keep up the good work..x
And stay safe!!
By Ninja on "Fuck me, I'm Famous & Uncensored!"

I just saw you on TV :D!I liked the documentary I may write another detailed comment about my reflection after the program is finished ;)
By بتنفس حريه on "Fuck me, I'm Famous & Uncensored!"

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image."... I'm not sure that that's the beginning of love, more a perfect endpoint that takes years to reach.

Compromise seems to be hard for som people, of course scorpios don't need to think about it, it comes naturally, like everything!

xoxo
By Anonymous on "Self-stung?"

bon soir!

well.. this post made me laugh / stop and stare / freak out... dont ask me why!

do we really know our flaws? all of them? sure there are some flaws that we dunno about, or things that we do normally yet they annoy others...

"what is idendity" Huuuh !

it's not always rainbows and butterflies...

I'm speachless... then i guess I'll start to Scream then Scream more

do I make sense?
By BaTaBeet on "Self-stung?"

Perhaps friendship is all about finding people with the same boundaries as us. I remember when Samantha met that woman from Texas. They had an initial spark but soon even Samantha's boundaries had been overstepped and she left in disgust! Some of us like people who try to cross boundaries, others are repelled by it. Me personally, I like it a lot. I suppose it comes down to how adventurous you are as a person and what you want to accomplish/see/do/fuck in your life!!!
By Anonymous on "When do we cross-dress the line?"

nice speech dude ..... god bless you
By mostafa mahmoud on "Fuck me, I'm on BBC!"

hehe! first I love the song :D
second, I've been thinking about that a lot, at one point I decided to be kinda a rebel on technology.. but it started to cavin' me in, and I realized I became addicted to not being addicted ..
so Idk, I think it's best to play it cool; as long as you own things and things don't own you..
By 9h on "They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'!"

I would quote the madge...."and if it makes you feel good then I say do it".
If you keep changing what you're addicted to every once in a while, it remains under control, the continuity in doing or consuming the same thing over a long time actually dulls me tbh.
By Adam Mead on "They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'!"

B for Bipolared

Scene I:
After I was done obsessing/stalking on facebook, I couldn't resist that sudden urge of checking Mr.B's profile on facebook & to my surprise I still remember his full name, email & mj's profile(which got deactivated for the disuse). So I checked his profile and stared a little in his photo, suddenly all his memories kept floating smoothly in my brain but my body's reaction was different! There was no butterflies or tingling sensation in my nerve endings or longing at all! I felt weird and different; that I want to meet him & check on him but in the same time I wasn't feeling the slightest bit of care. So I've decided to meet him and see by myself what's that all about!
I asked L's about the best way to write this kind of hooking-up msg to a Sagittarius(since L is one of them and all :P) & the msg of the perfect goal-oriented words made magical reply and I got myself a sex-date with Mr.B for tonight!

At exactly 10:30PM I was in front of his door, he let me in, I went to my place on the sofa, everything seemed familiar over and over again, it was all déjà vu, pensé et entendu! I rolled and smoked my first joint, kept asking questions about what's new in his life..etc and then he sniffed few lines, finished his beer, smoked up with me another joint, told me his pretty erotic adventures with his horny straight buddy that he makes out with when they both are totally wasted then showed me his dick photo and I told him about my latest sexual adventures too, we got hard, intensely made out, masturbated together and I came back to reality!

He seemed happier and more relaxed(sexually and everything else) than our last year's thing which I liked in him but also he looked totally different in my eyes, I felt like my brain was telling me at that moment: What were you thinking? What exactly were you seeing in him? How were you that stupid not to be able to differentiate between a mere physical heat of lust and dating/crushing?! He looked pretty normal to me; just another sexy discreet horny guy who is great on bed only...He looked just B!

Maybe I was so blind and now that I know what true relationship and love feel like, I can see clearly! Maybe also back then I wasn't much of a pot-head but now since I am one, I can totally differentiate between being emotional because of the hash effect and being emotional because it's real!
Either way, I felt greater than what I already feel about my relationship and I couldn't be happier!

Scene II:
I have been in an open relationship with Sunny for 10 months now but we've never had a ménage à trois ou plus! I just didn't give it much thinking all that time and also thought of keeping it on the shelf so we can use it in the perfect sexual timing though we thought of trying it once before when we hooked-up a muscled guy from Mohamed Ali Club but apparently he was more into Sunny than me so it didn't happen then I realized that we have different clientele and also somehow different taste in guys which made it kind of hard to find a suitable third!
Until today, it just came up spontaneously to our minds that we can do it with a guy he knows, and we did it!
I felt many different things on bed(no pun intended); excited, sexcited, emotional, lustful, powerful...I landed on the moon!

And I also saw a very different side of Sunny, a sexual side of him that I don't get to see with him which I can't explain much but I liked it in him(again, no pun intended) which made me stop a bit for few seconds while we are going at it and keep observing him with a smile! He looked very vivid in a cute way, I donno what it is, maybe a different look of pleasure in his eyes or maybe he was seeing me differently too and was reflecting the same feeling I'm feeling about him? Do I make any sense?
Who cares! All I know that it was fun, different and the cherry on the top(I swear, no pun intended) is that there was no childish materialistic feelings of jealousy that I've expected to feel!

btw my blog is now blocked in Saudi Arabia! lol

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'!

After having a "Welcome-back-I've-missed-you" intense & intimate sex with Sunny, he went for a quick shower and I lit a cigarette in front of the TV then I found myself hypnotized by the smoke that's coming out of the cigarette and went deeply in a state of contemplating. How come such a tiny thing could be addictive? then I looked around and felt that everything reeks of addiction; TV, DVD sets of TV shows, alcohol, rolling papers, music, iPhone, internet..etc!
When did we become that addictive? How do one knows if he/she is addicted to something? What defines addiction to start with, or more importantly; what starts it? Don't thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become habits, habits become character and character becomes destiny? So if that's true then do our patterns, consuming habits and our lifestyle translate into our addiction(s)?!

If you looked around you, you'll know what I mean, especially if you looked inside your friends. Like my friend Jovee's addiction to sweet coating sex by dating/relationships, or L's addiction to kink or S's addiction to an unhealthy virtual fantasy that reflects his inability of having a fulfilling social life, or Spectacular's addiction to successive relationships & Zum(aka Native)'s addiction to dysfunctional relationships, or E's addiction to intellect & pseudo-sophistication, or Kiki's addiction to pseudo-macho men, or Chi's addiction to disguising his inner-whore by his over-sweetness, or Mohinder's addiction to go from one addiction to another which are all ways for him to not feel his feelings, or my "last Scorpio fuck"'s addiction to power & authority!

So what if you hate your addiction and you want to get rid of it without replacing it by another one? In psychology they say that pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance & termination are the six stages for change. But does it really work or just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town?

Fuck me, I'm on BBC!

Last February some guys from BBC contacted me through my blog because they are producing a documentary program "Ma La Yoqal(Forbidden talk)" which has an episode about homosexuality in the Arab World called "Ana Mithly(I'm Gay!)". I got excited and of course I agreed to meet them and see if my terms concerning my security & keeping my anonymity will be fulfilled or not. They were really nice and trustworthy so I agreed to appear on the show and talk about my life as a homosexual/blogger who lives in Egypt.

So YES bitches, I've made it to BBC and I'm homosexual who can perform in Egypt unlike Sir Elton John!

Homosexuality in the Arab World from George Pagliero on Vimeo.

Update: the video is now streaming through the director's Vimeo page since it was taken off BBC website's server

When do we cross-dress the line?

So I've been told recently that I push people's limits, that I act & respond while presuming that others are okay with what I'm saying or doing and that I don't always know the fine line between humor and seriousness. So few days ago while I was stoned and my head was spinning,in a good way,I thought about getting this straight gay and wondered about what really makes that line so fine?! How come the degree of fining varies differently between each one and other? Aren't we the ones who draw that fine line that looks like an eye liner's line; you think it will make things look smoother but it drains you and by the time it's lunch, you're done!

Seriously, what's the line between humor and seriousness or revenge & total destruction(that's for u :P) or good & bad or politically correct & incorrect or sarcasm & viciousness or use & abuse or erotic & sick or religion & myth or or or? Also when do you know that you crossed the line? What are the signs? What if people like to pushed off limits but they are in denial? Actually what if you indirectly enjoy pushing people off their limits? Why are we making a big deal out of it?!

Aren't our boundaries the formula to that line? They are like a foundation cream that smooth out the face and cover spots or uneven skin coloration before we apply the makeup. And although everyone seems to be playing well within the boundaries of his usual rule set, don't you always need someone who leaps over boundaries, changes your nervous systems, creates a new language, transmits new kinds of joy to your startled senses and spirits?

So shall we cross-dress the line or we are not quite ready for a no makeup life movie?

Self-stung?

My poisonous nature is eating me inside-out and poisoning everyone around me.
Why do I keep pushing limits? What draws the line between seriousness & fun?
Is it normal to “over-dose” your friends?
Beating yourself up is self-criticism?
I don’t like criticism, especially constructive ones. Do you think I don’t know my flaws already?
Does our fear of not belonging anywhere that make us stuck with wrong choices?
What you see as desperation for your acceptance is nothing but my trials for possessing you.
Why do I keep going after it although I know that once I’ll have, I won’t like it and that it’s not like how it appeals from the outside
How I didn’t notice all that time that being popular is different than being social?
What is identity?
Social mistakes are pricey?
People don’t like it when you see right through them and reveal their inner fears & weaknesses.
Why the intimidation?
Why buttering up & sweet-coating?
There is a difference between wanting something and needing something.
Guilt is the number one negative chi producer. You let that fester, it will age you.
Am I self-fellating my own curse?
To really know someone is to have loved and hated him in turn?
The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
Please don't mistake my anal retentiveness for actual affection.
Do you get exhausted too from yourself sometimes? All that plotting, scheming & venom becomes wearisome at some point, no?
Switching & channeling your emotions, thoughts, desires & projections between different biospheres or even same biosphere, kills your brain cells & your soul gradually?
Your holier-than-thou attitude brings the worst in me!
When will you ever take off your judgmental blinder and stop being some kind of a moral paragon for once?
Did it ever occur to you that maybe it's you who needs me to be angry at you?
Social butterflies are twisted schizoids.
It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along?
People may compromise/adapt but not change.

I don't have to make any sense to you...!

Pop! Six! Squish! Uh uh, Cicero, Lipschitz!

There comes a time when you have to do something to change your scenery, your life's tone & tempo. When you feel that you had seen it, done it, touched it, dropped it, had it, tried it, eaten it, loved it, fucked it, heard it, played it, drunk it, danced it, bought it, read it, sampled it, discussed it, worked it, been there! When all that sex desensitizes you after a while and you start needing more and more kinkiness to get off; Bondage, discipline, role playing, masochistic behavior, erotic asphyxiation, voyeurism...anything, just anything to keep upping the ante!

When that kind of monotony hits me, usually I do one of the upping tricks that I just mentioned or I change my pictures on the online dating websites or I check what/who I've been putting on the shelves. But this time nothing of that upped it, so when I was stoned(my new addiction), I spermed a thought of trying something new & different; changing my whole online identity! I uploaded pictures that I didn't use before, showed my face, changed text, just added "Moroccan new in town" and the magic started. I was reignited, it was like a bucket of gasoline! Those websites put witness protection program to shame!
Since identity of one changes with how one perceives reality, and since am half Moroccan after all, it was so easy to sell this identity to people online and approach the whole "discreet-only-into-foreigners" type of guys!

It was like a circus & different types of freaks are approaching you; It started by the young sexually-insecure guys who are top only, think this sophomoric act is charming, are fighting to keep their status as cock of the walk and who would create a relationship with you out of mere physical heat!
Then the whole "Egybtion Ztyle" & "Straight masseur" guys approach you and those are the funniest of them all, the "Egybtion" ones usually find their way around with their maybe sole asset of showing the "tourist" around, taking him to authentic erotic places, giving him the modern "The White queen and The Nubian boy" fantasy..etc while the "Masseur" is anything but subtle! He says he is straight, only into massage and wants to make friends but surprisingly, he puts his dick size & role information and it's important for him to know if you are top or bottom & how large is your cock in order for him to be your friend!

Then the unapproachable ones of all approach you! The "Discreet-only-into-foreigners" guys! You wouldn't believe the measures they'd take to maintain their discreet-state. Many of them are placing their profiles abroad & they contact the people they like in Egypt, most of them are usually into blind dates or they'd show themselves on webcam only and wouldn't show you their pictures, they would even call you from different anonymous numbers and would never give you their number, they tend to get schizophrenic when you tackle sexuality or religion topics and of course they are usually very WHOREny and ready to do you even if you are out of their favorite age range!
Would you believe that a discreet Belgian guy-with no pics in his profile of course-contacted me cuz he wants to have a "discreet" fun when he comes to Egypt? And a French guy who works in Dubai & wanna visit Egypt, he contacts me cuz I'm Moroccan/Francophone? Do you think what I did would become a trend? like this guy is saying on his profile's headline "im new here anyone wanna be my guide ;)" even though he's been in Egypt before I even knew that I'm into men!
Anyway the trick is to know that identity is theft of the self, so you'd better be cautious!

Fuck me, I'm Famous & Uncensored!

Weeks ago I've received a phone call from one of my friends telling me that he bought "Cleo" magazine December issue because it had "Egypt SEX Bloggers, Homosexuals' online haven" big title on the cover so he joked around with his bf and told him that it will be so funny if he found my blog inside, and little did he know! I was there! he was shocked, called me directly and transmitted his shock to me!

I was so surprised when I heard the news, was excited but scared in the same time, told my bf, all my friends and readers about the great news via facebook and SMSs then it hit me! Am I going so far? Am I attracting wrong/un-necessary attention to my blog? Am I risking my anonymity? Is my freedom of speech jeopardized now?...then I said "FUCK IT"! I should enjoy my few minutes of fame, so I ran the next day to the nearest shop to buy the issue but to my surprise I was censored! The information bureau already noticed the issue and ordered the magazine to censor that report! But thankfully(and finally! :P) my friend scanned what was there for me, I guess the issue he bought was from the first edition:



Also, I'm going to go on TV but won't write about it now for security reasons(it's starting already! :P)

The joke was on me?

"It's okay to appear publicly without a date on new year's eve, so drag your lazy ass & join our party tomorrow at...."
That was the invitation message that I've sent to my guests for new year's eve party, I was so excited about that party, I did it as a favor for some semi-friends to save their day as they were going to throw a party but they couldn't find a place to rent so I offered to host the party at my bf(Sunny)'s place. They told me that they will bring all the booze and the food, I've met them a day before for preparations, I just made some remarks about their guests that I don't want them to be in the party and everything went fine so far.

I was out of plastic cups & water, I called metro market 2 hours before the party starts, people arrived and started using the temporary glass cups, metro didn't arrive yet, the glass cups started to finish, people started to ask me for cups and also Ice, I kept calling metro but number was always busy, Sunny offered to go get the stuff faster, I was stressed, some unwanted guests showed up, I got nervous and dragged the other organizers(the semi-friends) to ask them what are those guys doing here? They told me to relax and If I REALLY don't want them here so they'll ask them to leave but it's new year's eve and people want to have fun bla bla bla...I didn't relax!
More weird, unwanted, low-class and feminine guys arrived, guests were constantly reminding me of the minutes left to midnight, I got more stressed out, I strictly said that there won't be any countdown before Sunny arrives, I left my nightmare inside and went outside in the garden for some fresh air, holding my drink, flashes from my childhood were haunting me; when I changed lots of school, always felt like an outsider, insecure & anti-social around people out of my social pool...etc

They started the countdown, Sunny sent me a "Happy new year" message with a sad face. Suddenly it hit me, the invitation's joke was on me; I was there in public without a date to kiss at midnight on new year's eve! I got so angry and furious, If my Icy brain could still send signals to my face, you could see the tear in my eyes! I ran to my room upstairs, standing by the window and was desperately waiting for Sunny to come back! The seconds felt like years until he arrived.
I ran from my room, bumped into "Ezzie" on the stairs, he got so worried about my state, followed me until I ran outside the house to Sunny...I told Sunny everything, took him upstairs and burst into tears between his arms! I didn't need anyone but him at that moment, he was the only shoulder I needed to cry on, to be weak in front of him, to show all my naked emotions and fears that were leaked from my lacrimal glands in silence....I relaxed by then!
I went downstairs, nothing on my mind but "Those people are light-year behind from deserving my tears!", driven by my adrenaline, threw every unwanted one outside with the great help of my "Seeker-Sagi" friend, didn't care about those semi-friends; I had my bf, my friends and all people that I like were around me, supporting me, drinking with me, dancing with me and even kissing me(FISH)....the party started by then!

But there something that has changed in me after what happened, I can't really explain it but I feel it. I cleaned my MSN & FB lists, I started to be skeptical about meeting/doing/socializing with people that are outside my social or class pool, I don't really care anymore about the idea of the risks of losing people, the risks of being socially or politically stupid! I donno if I'm still drunk with powers & driven by the power of rejecting & throwing all these people outside or If I'm growing up or If there is a shift in the order of my self-confidence. All I know is that I like it and I'm enjoying it!
Happy new years everyone! =))