Why is it that we see what we want to believe when we don't believe what we see?

I'm really bored of my whole mommy-issues-boy, it's really wearisome and exhausting. I'm 21 years old now, will graduate in less than a year and become fully independent but I still fight with my mother over curfew! It's unbelievable, and it gets worse when you watch the failure of all your pseudo-succeeded attempts to build bridges, bond, be good, and understand! Sometimes I feel that my psychobabble attempts at bonding is pathetic but I just don't understand why it is that hard for me to get over her or for her to let me go? Why don't we just not pretend something we are not? When will she ever understand that am not hers to have anymore and that she needs to get over this Oedipal stage before she smothers me?

Is the power of denial that blinding, that she can't see how clearly I got independent in almost every aspect of my life since AGES? Will it hurt her so much to admit that am only staying in this house because I'm financially dependent on her? Why can't she stop depending on other people for her sense of self-worth? For how long I'll be freaking paying for her choice to stop working, become a housewife and "perfectly" raise her kids? When will she stop postponing the time when she will have to surrender the idea of who her children could be to the reality of who they actually are? Does she stop for a second and really wonder how will she ever make it for me for all those horrible moments when she(also my father & my shrink included) made me feel as if something was wrong with me? Does she know that I can easily ask her and not the society to pay for the very exhausting psychological effort I do to maintain a double life and blame her for everything I've gone through? Does she know that I only feel safe in the warm little cocoon of the gay part of my life? and that once I leave the safety of this nest, she and the society will always be there. harassing me, judging me, tormenting me? To her, my identity and relationships are unnatural! She will never understand how hard it was for me to become what I'm right now, to become that manipulative, to secretly fight against society's stereotypes when I was only 15 years old, to face rejection everywhere, to feel that the society is filled of angry villagers with torches to drive out the monster she gave birth to!

But I guess she is like all parents, they go into the enterprise expecting their child to be a better version of themselves and then the little bastards turn out to have souls all their own, destinies to be fulfilled, dreams and desires that have nothing to do with them or their DNA. Mothers carry their childs inside of them and it comes a time when they feel as if they don't even know their own child, but they will only know him again when they grow up; when they stop trying to create him in their image and likeness and see him for who he is! For so long, I tried to be the good boy, the good boy who survived what they wanted me to Be. And now it's my turn. I just need a tabula rasa, no preconceptions, no haunting-past, no judgments, no anxiety, no reflections and no limitations. Will I be able to have that with my mother? Will she finally allow me? Will she make me reach my limits of patience? Will she gave me the chance? Will she stop seeing what she wants to believe...?

YES, I went legal!

Yes, I'm that famous, popular and loved that I don't need to blog about my life but let others do the job for me! =P
My very dear friend E(aka Ezzie) blogged about my birthday party on his blog:

She's Legal, her Party Wasn't!
So as everyone was recovering from the last party, which was too fabulous for me to even blog it, Kiki Jr. decided that the moment has come to give a ball, the highlight of her, ahem, stellar career in the gay society, and that everyone queen would envy and that would be the talk of the scene for days to come (which is the utmost any queen can hope for considering the attention span of queens in general).

To push things to the extreme, and be all controversial as ever, Kiki Jr. decided that her 21st birthday bash would be a themed party, a costume party that is.

Fearing that all the queens would mistake costume for drag, she stressed that each queen she should keep her wig in her bag and think 'outside the box'.

For a whole week every queen in town was thinking, 'what should I wear for Kiki Jr's party?'

Me and Kiki Sr. were no exception.

For days at a time Kiki Sr. talked of nothing else but 'what costume should I wear?'

And while I thought the prospect of wearing a costume is exciting, I knew it would be near impossible to have a nicely done costume in Cairo.

It would not go without notice and all kinds of wrong attention.

So I opted for 'soft drag'.

Meaning, heavy eye make up, lipstick, nail polish, no wig and a trashy outfit.

And after much useless resistance, Kiki Sr. followed suit.

So clad in my gorgeous Pashmina scarf (trying to cover up my indecent outfit), I was making my way to this fictitious suburb east of Cairo.

Sans make up we made our way to the residence of Kiki Jr. and her beau.

Fashionably early, we were both horrified and amazed at Kiki Jr. costume (photos available to select audience on Facebook) it was a leather top with a star situated mid chest, and hot leather shorts with straps on both sides, leaving nothing to the imagination......READ MORE >>>

So now(technically last 26th of October) I'm 21 years old and no longer a twink! *wink wink*

Not so Icy after all?

Without any further introduction, rich words, nice writing style or paragraphing. The slut is in love PERIOD!

This would be the shortest post I've ever written but its meaning is one of the deepest and longest(no pun intended) posts for me!

The Princess and the Pea

Once upon a time there was a prince who wanted to marry a princess; but she would have to be a real princess. He travelled all over the world to find one, but nowhere could he get what he wanted. There were princesses enough, but it was difficult to find out whether they were real ones. There was always something about them that was not as it should be. So he came home again and was sad, for he would have liked very much to have a real princess.

One evening a terrible storm came on; there was thunder and lightning, and the rain poured down in torrents. Suddenly a knocking was heard at the city gate, and the old king went to open it. It was a princess standing out there in front of the gate. But, good gracious! what a sight the rain and the wind had made her look. The water ran down from her hair and clothes; it ran down into the toes of her shoes and out again at the heels. And yet she said that she was a real princess.
“Well, we’ll soon find that out,” thought the old queen. But she said nothing, went into the bed-room, took all the bedding off the bedstead, and laid a pea on the bottom; then she took twenty mattresses and laid them on the pea, and then twenty eider-down beds on top of the mattresses.

On this the princess had to lie all night. In the morning she was asked how she had slept. “Oh, very badly!” said she. “I have scarcely closed my eyes all night. Heaven only knows what was in the bed, but I was lying on something hard, so that I am black and blue all over my body. It’s horrible!”
Now they knew that she was a real princess because she had felt the pea right through the twenty mattresses and the twenty eider-down beds.

Nobody but a real princess could be as sensitive as that.

So the prince took her for his wife, for now he knew that he had a real princess; and the pea was put in the museum, where it may still be seen, if no one has stolen it.

P.S you don't have to understand what this post is about! =)

Your dick before we click! [Republished]

Scene I:
"Sunny" is a 34 years old Austrian marketing man who works for a respected multinational company and he's just moved to Egypt 6 weeks ago. I was the first guy he's met from the internet, pretty much like many foreigners who move to Egypt and get paranoid at first to meet any gay guy through the internet but thanks for the guestbook entry that made him send me a message, we've fucked twice before we go on a date(will get to that later on), in the first time I thought it will be another one night stand but the sex was good so I craved for more especially after I knew how kinky he'd get, we decided to fuck in the twinky garden of his villa in one of Cairo's gated compounds and it was such a great experiment(since I never did it in a garden before); blowing him after cornering me, getting rimmed while leaning on the back door's stairs, bowling me over the grass, salivary lubricating me, every grass aphrodisiac-ly tickling every nerve ending of my back and ass, moon light reflections on his facial expressions while doing me until I've seen fireworks in the sky within minutes!

For the first time of my life I felt that it would be very awkward to ask someone out after already sleeping with him twice, donno if it is the therapy effect/symptoms or the fact that I didn't want to jeopardize a good fuck by attaching some strings or the doubt that it might be just a sex haze and nothing more but I overcame all of these fears, asked him out and we went on a official date on the next day at Sangria where we had dinner then followed it with a fine bottle of rosé at Intercontinental where you can experiment a very different biospheres separated by just the glass window of the lobby. He knew how to comfort all my worries, how to constantly hold my interest, how to feel comfortable around him, he proved my point that relationship can come after sex and we kept talking for hours from politics to watersports!

Scene II:
In my way to Alexandria for the weekend with Sunny, travelling for the first time ever with a date, totally freaking out; is it too early to travel with him? What Am I doing? Will it be too much intimacy? Would I hate him when I try to resort to my privacy, space & solitary? Will I be that into cuddling him?
Surprisingly he really knew how to well handle me and my anxiety, he was so smooth, lively and knew how to enjoy me and how to make me feel fully naked around him!

But still, I couldn't stop over thinking and over analyzing; Is it too early to introduce him to my close Alexandrian friends? Is he freaking out? Is getting that close that early, will be repulsive? Are we getting closer? Will I be able to commit again after 3 years of absolutely no commitment? Monogamy, one day?
I tried to do like him and just go with the flow, and Pisces are the best at going with flow and not to think much; problems will solve themselves by themselves/time, disconnecting whenever anything seems noisy or aching...tried to do many things that are not that much of my nature/Scorpio's nature and I felt better, maybe what I did was somehow "balancing"!

Scene III:
Back to Cairo, my space, my liberty, my bed and my men! Freaking out again, feeling that I'm losing control, worried to let go, my brain is getting claustrophobic inside my skull due to the overload of thinking, my soul is getting merinthophobic and my heart is getting neophobic!
I ran into my contacts list and decided to get laid! The first guy is the ex.bf of one of my fuck buddies, very classy and well educated, living in one of those very adult apartments that made me feel like I was about 16 visiting the home of a friend whose parents thought I was a bad influence, we kept talking in none sense, until sex was brought up and he told me that I'm a nice guy and everything but he didn't feel any sexual chemistry! I felt like I was the jerk du soleil! I've never got sexually rejected right in front of my face before, especially from a guy who is less good looking than me! I quickly left his apartment and called the other guy who has been chatting with me for over a year, begging me to meet him and I knew that he'll be a real shot in the arm for my sexual self-esteem!
He is 41 years old, professor at the AUC, recently divorced and with two kids, great dick and fit body. We had a quickie apparently in his kids room(I figured that out after climaxing!), there was a cross above the bed's headboard, two mirrors capturing me while having sex, got shocked when I knew that I lifted my ass with a pillow that had "Love you Dad!" with a real picture of his kids on it. There wasn't the slightest string attachment, I felt like shit while taking a shower afterward, felt as if the water served as retro-baptism for every cheap touch the prof touched me, I was blinded by my Ego and fears!
I quickly got into my clothes, left my crime scene and ironically laughed at the thought of the AUC offering me a scholarship for sleeping with a third professor!

However, I thought I'll feel okay to sleep with another guys as I'm not exclusive to Sunny yet, but surprisingly I didn't PERIOD!

A post to remember

The following post was published July 2008 on "Awkward Sex in the City" blog:

She is not me!

I have had endless discussions with Bad G about Madonna's latest album, 'Hard Candy', I was debating the artistic merit of the work, and G was arguing how the album is the perfect answer to Madonna's Catch 55, (she is turning 50 and its a whole new world if you have the unfortunate condition of being a "woman in the arts" and hitting 50).
He said that she managed to push the envelope one more time (to me, its one last time!) and raise a few eye brows along the way. He even supplied the invaluable information that Madonna commissioned the photographer who worked with her on her Sex book to do the cover of Hard Candy.
(for further information you will have to personally contact Bad G)
And then I listened to the album, and the banal performance, overstated lyrics, trashy-eighties arrangement, made sense.
It was a very strong statement, for a woman who has been doing this for over two decades.
In the album Madonna tackles a wide array of themes that all happen in the "store", a metaphoric space for a club, bar, home, not-home, life. Whatever you make of it.
And in the club, some skinny, tall bitch might try to steal your guy, steal your spot, steal your thunder, this is when you say bring it on! And lets see who can run the show! So for Madonna, this bitch is not "her".
No matter how young, tall, or sexy her legs might be.
I believe the same analogy applies here.
The blogging world is not the same as Pop world, the space here is more temporal, less tangible, and not so much fraught with the same consumerism. Its more impersonal and yet there is more visibility or a certain, surreal level of connectivity but if some trashy, nineteen year-old thinks she can blog then she is wrong!
Two years blogging is like two decades making music. I am not Madonna, but I have been around long enough here not to be compared with a nineteen year-old with an attitude!
Bitch, if you want to blog bring it on! And I will show you what blogging is!
hackneyed phrasing, cheesy graphics and Facebook advertising, what is this!
The bitch had the nerve to tell me that her style is more "accessible", yes of course if you are mentally retarded!
When your blog gets rated as the voice of sexuality in Cairo, come talk to me bitch!
Posted by E at 4:41 AM

I'm really glad I'm not you!

There is no such thing as talent, there is pressure?

This year in college is so stressful & exhausting, I finished Gynaecology, Burn & Surgery round, Internal, Chest & Geriatrics round and now I'm having my Orthopedics round final exams, so basically I'm studying non-stop since last September except for 2 weeks vacation after each round which is too much pressure for me to bear, I no longer have the energy to study & excel in the coming exams, I became completely apathetic towards exams for the first time in my life! I've always feared & hate to fail, to not live up to my or my parents' expectations which increased my primary fear of losing control over my life and which also made me a perfectionist & a control freak!

Sometimes I believe that this fear is because of having a pushy parents(or a mother in my case since I don't have a father figure after all!) who constantly push me towards perfection in the utterly trivial thing I do, always putting pressure on me to excel in school, relationships & religion, but it is too much, they don't understand that they never learned how to deal with their own failures so they pass their unrealistic expectations on to me unconsciously & it is simple psychology, really. It's called transference.
Maybe they are excused about that; already the pressures of being a parent are equal to any pressure on earth, to be a conscious parent, and really look to that little being's mental & physical health, is a responsibility which most of people, including my parents, avoid most of the time because it's too hard.

In the process of all of that, they weren't aware how pressure affected me when I first dealt with my homosexuality when I was 14 or 15 which(homosexuality) already put me under the same pressure as adults and maybe more! What kind of childhood is that? When you are all by yourself in front of Society's & Religion's constant pressure? How was I supposed to feel when society rejects me & all religions curse me? I definitely got into the famous "Sexuality vs Religion's guilt" phase, but thanks God I was strong enough and didn't give up, I started to read more and more about my religions to know the truth and assurance and I found that it is mostly about various pictures & how you perceive and interpret them, I figured out that religions were a very beautiful and mature attempts to approach the ideology and definition of higher power or God and I really believe that there is a higher power and that I wouldn't get punished for something I didn't choose.
But it took me a huge effort to get over many pictures I perceived, to get over the idea of sins & punishment, to get over the pressure that men of religions put on the people since ages to sustain their beliefs and to improve their delivery of the policy and their delivery of the ideas so that they can garner support for whatever principle they're articulating!
Some readings in Atheism & Agnosticism also helped me a bit and made it easier for me to understand more, but I believe that Albert Einstein was right when he said that It would be possible to describe everything scientifically, but it would make no sense; it would be without meaning, as if you described a Beethoven symphony as a variation of wave pressure.

However, by time, tears stopped to be the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it, I learned how to deal with pressures, how to get tough and work over pressure not under it, how not to feel any pressure and to just try to stay calm, follow my plans and try not to overthrown.
Maybe that's why I'm always so quiet, I seem to people that I'm in control even when I'm not, I became some sort of ticking time bomb that sooner or later will explode especially if you are in an environment where you feel you can't fail!
But for my very good luck, I explode every now & then or I would have went insane when I get in control in front of all the pressures I face daily, especially the religious ones, when my mum never fails to wake me up for Friday's prayers, when you over hear preachers on TV talking about torture and bluish your life with their dusty language, when the instructor in your college is an Islamist who preaches for 15 minutes prior and post classes, when you photocopy the handbook of past examinations which is made by Muslims Brotherhood's students union and you find a provocative quote in every corner of each page, when you find "Veil before Hell" and similar bumper stickers on the walls of your college, your building & even your elevator, when you get into a sterile conversation with a colleague of yours because you find it totally stupid of her to choose to join a medical school even though she wears Niqab and chooses not to to touch any male patient even if he was an 80 years old with broken leg & wouldn't possibly lure her in any mean, when you talk with a 28 years old gay guy who still believes that homosexuality is a plague and the act of it vibrates God's holy chair!

These were just simple examples of the religious pressures and you don't really want to get me started on Society's and other pressures!

Sin-me my Sunni!

Well, I guess you all know about my "Religion" fetish but I've not told you that much about it. I think it has all started back then when I used to do some summer activity at that famous mosque when I was living in Heliopolis; we used to learn Qur'an, know more about Islam, play football, do charity work and travel together. The whole Islamic brotherhood, like any same-sex community, is so homoerotic; how they "love" each others as "brothers" in front of God, how they hug each others after Feast prayers, how they are so intimate! GOD! their intimacy is blinding! I used to have a crush on many of the mosque's teachers/supervisors without understanding what was happening to me until I grew older and understood what was that about. And since then I get so sexually attracted to Sunni or any religious guy who is in good shape, has that untrimmed beard(not the long random ugly one), with shortened slack of pants and has a heart that is too delicious for me to corrupt and to stifle all the semblance of virtue and religion in it!

Scene I:
It's been quite long time since I last had sex with my Sunni fuck-buddy especially after he moved to Alexandria because of his work so I do the best I can to catch him on weekends when he comes to Cairo. We were chatting that night about how kinky he can get and not surprisingly he can get SO kinky!
So We've decided to have a classic role play of a homophobic rapist and a curious twink who got caught and wrestles, with water sports flavors & dirty talk spices! I got properly popper-ly ready and he put me on the "right path", the path of those who are blessed to enjoy his God's blessed freakishly girthed "bounty" where all my sins & Agnosticism were severely quaked and his earth ejected its loads, Amen!
I hope I can catch him again this weekend before Ramadan starts and he goes into his spiritual coma or let me rephrase it; his retro baptism!

Scene II:
In the Gym, where I get my daily dose of testosterone's odor through all those steamy men, I was working out my leg muscles on that particular day when I saw the new trainer; muscular but not overly so, short black hair and brown eyes but facially challenged somehow and wearing a tank top on army pants. We kept having an intense eye contact until it was my time to do leg curl exercise(the one where you bend over the machine), he came to me after I finished my first set asking about what I'm working out today and what I'm listening to..etc, I replied back to his questions in a semi-flirty way while keeping my Scorpio's eyes intense on him that bedazzled him and made him know that I can see directly through him!
We didn't talk again but we locked eyes, I was about to finish and it was my abs ex. time, I thought to go ask him for some tips, I found him praying in the partition where I'm supposed to do my abs! I got more turned on by seeing him praying, so I blasphemously put the mattress in his vision's horizon, laid down, my legs are wide open in front of him and did my abs ex! He go SO distracted while he was praying , It felt like Lili in Youcef Idrees' "Akan Labodd Ya Lili An Todee'i Al Noor(Did you have to turn on the light, Lili?)" story! Anyway, I finished the exercise with a hardon, went to the lockers room, changed and bumped into him in my way out, I devilishly grinned, greeted him and told him that I'll see him next time. He was so embarrassed, mumbled some words and smiled!

Scene III(pun intended):
I've been chatting with E&S for sometime, I've told E about my blog, he loved it and left some comments and we kept talking in a promise to meet one day when they come to Cairo or when I go to UAE. E is an Egyptian gentleman in his late 20s from Al Sada Al Ashraf(people who are related by blood to prophet Mohammed PBUH) and S his boyfriend is a Saudi young guy in his early 20s, they have been together for more than 6 years now, they look cute together with their dog and their whole lives together, they are one of those couples that are not in an open relationship but they like to spice up their sexual life by having a threesome every now and then, which made me notice how monogamy rhymes with monotony!
They arrived to Egypt few days ago and we were sexcited to meet each others, I was more sexcited since my last threesome was ages ago so I went directly to their apartment, we all smoked-up and drank to feel less self-conscious and before I knew it, we were all in our birthday suit on bed exploring each others. I was the couple's guest star(aka the third guy) although I sexually liked E more with that thick dick of his which I believe it's the Womanizer's PBUH genes, It was really one of the best threesomes I've ever had, the whole mind-altering alcohol & hash, their big interest in me, getting sandwich-ed and of course controlling not only one but two guys on bed was the cherry on top!

And that's how I prepared myself for Ramadan; by having sex with guys who are closer to its PBUH and chatting with hot Azhar students!

In the scene and not get scened?

you know about me... you know i am going through something similiar yet not so similar as you are dealing only with your whole family i am dealing with my brother... where as you are very defensive on them... i am actually starting to open up my mind to other things.. not turning str8 because he does accept that i am gay .. they just want me to live in a celibate life... either way... the beautiful thing with my brother he doesnt expect something to occur from one day... he doesnt expect me to become straight.. he is geniunly concerned of my after life...

now what i am trying to say is you have to admit regardless if we are gay or str8 me and you push the limits sometimes....

how many sex partners we had in the past 4 years ?
how many drunken weeks/weekends have we had in the past year ?
mow much drugs have we consumed ?

maybe when yo go tell your therapist you want to be str8 he wont believe you directly ... so why not tell him you want to be the best version of YOU... tell i want to take baby steps first ... by cutting down on drinking and sex etc.

Q's comment on my "Self-degaying, self-decaying?" post

After reading Q's latest post, I thought that it's just a Gemini phase where he'll get distracted at some point regardless how long he'll last in that coma but what made me give the whole "pseudo-heterosexual" concept another thought was what my shrink asked me in the last session whether I'm still keeping my hetero-friendships fully alive and when was the last time I saw them, In addition to what someone I chat with told me, that his ex.date(that I don't know) saw me in many gay parties. So I got confused between what's good and what's bad? to be totally out of the closet or to be partially in it? Isn't every choice we make has its cons and pros? Does the majority of gay guys freak out when they would know that my parents & my close straight friends know about my "tragic inclination", that I've many gay friends, that I've been officially into gay life for 6 years now & I'm only 21, that I can no longer know my magic number of guys I've been sexually with, that I've an experience that is one of the causes of my over self-confidence? Will we have neo-discreets like Q who wants to resuscitate his very old "keeping-low-profile"? And what about the reformists who are sick of the gay scene and wants to fix everything neo-liberals have done?

I don't understand what's wrong to just be yourself? To do things that you enjoy without feeling abstinent about it and asking for repentance? I'm not saying that we just go around advertising it but the people that you know, the people that you love, you don't keep it a secret from them! But why would people keep it a secret? Is it because it's dangerous out there? For them, is it like why take the risk? But, isn't not taking the risk is riskier?
Is it true that when homosexuals devote to their gay lifestyle & abandon their former straight life with its people, they become cruel, more vicious and they become laws unto themselves? Whereas homosexuals such as what Q wants to be, who live "pseudo-heterosexually", much more likely to hang onto some semblance of their former pre-coming-out-to-themselves life?

But I'm sorry Q, you are horribly mistaken, this isn't a change, this is a wimp! Regardless how fitting is my "Forbidden fruit guy" in your whole "less-parties-drinking-sex-scene" change, you will walk in circles, you will get dizzy from it that you will have no perspective anymore and you will need a strong jolt to wake you up, move forward, get over it and get back on the horse!

Self-degaying, self-decaying?

So my latest therapy session was so critical, my shrink was very straight forward, put all his cards on the table and told me that he'll wait for an answer from me the next session about whether I want to be converted heterosexual or not!
I was expecting that so I sarcastically asked him about his "methods" to achieve the marvelous result that he and my parents are waiting for! He expectedly replied that now it's not the time to talk about the procedures and I've to decide first, so I acted innocent and asked him if I'll have to cut off my gay friendships? and again as expected he assured that that will happen at certain point of treatment! So I stopped at this point and changed the subject to religion, my mother, blah-blah, snore!
I laughed deep inside because he doesn't know that his technique with me became so obvious to me for the past few sessions, he thought that he's so sneaky that he finally put the noose around my neck and was about to kick the chair out from underneath me! And as if being gay is the saw in my fucked-up thigh/life but little did he know that that's ancient history; I'm the one with the power now and I'm so evolving past my parents' feelings and the whole therapy trauma!

I know exactly what I'm going to do, I'll go along with him and his stupid therapy so that I can get it out of my system and get it over with! I know I'll be walking in a battlefield loaded with tricky land mines and that I'll have to be very careful where I step or I could be blown to pieces, I know what I'll be doing is such a waste of time and effort, I know that many of you right now would totally say "God! Nordine, would you listen to yourself?!", I know that also you would think that I'm about to make my own bed and the time will come when I'll have to lie in it with all my grand forfeit, I know that I might very soon find my doppelgängers with the excessive pretending I'll be doing, but I also know that I can do it, I have to trust my powers, I've to remind myself every second that I always get what I want no matter how long I wait, so yes I CAN do it especially that I've a great point on my side; my mother HATES my shrink because she hates the fact that he can see directly through her and she denies this fact and believes that he treats her like she's stupid and ignorant, she believes that I outsmart him & I'm manipulating him and them and she also doesn't like that he's christian as she totally believes that religion is the main ingredient for my de-gaying.
Therefore, if anything in my plan went in the wrong path, god forbids, it will be so easy to toss my shrink away and replace with another one or maybe with no one else!

I'm only worried if self-degaying will be self-decaying? Will I get too involved in my plan that it might stop me from enjoying my life? Would I do it better if I've someone in my life who I'd love to live in his pants for many years? Or Do I need a huge support from my friends? But isn't codependency something that I shouldn't need in the first place to be able to be strong enough for my plan? Shall I keep hibernating my emotions? But I've a great grip of my life now and since you know that power is my ultimate aphrodisiac, I'm feeling very sexcited lately! So Do I need not to get totally drunk with power? How can I balance myself....? BLUKH!

The exorcism of the gay me!

I've been having notorious mood-swings lately, I've always had them from time to time but recently they were very intense and successive in a tiring way, they made me totally believe that I don't have to be a female to get PMSy, my mood used to swing like a pendulum from a black mood in which nearly all of one's friends seem to be selfish or even false that leads to having great pleasure in thinking evil, to a highly elated mood in which I'm relieved and very emotional that a cheesy song or a movie scene would bring tears to my eyes, to an apathetic mood in which I don't really care about a god damn thing or person, to a "I don't exist" mood in which the surroundings are blurry shaped and I go deeply into reflecting mood that I don't listen to anything around me!

The swings were very exhausting, I had to get my ass out of them, I tried every possible thing, I talked about it as nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around, I stopped masturbating, I jogged but I got more trapped inside my head, until one humid day; I was in the bathroom(my safety zone), I looked at the bathtub and I couldn't remember when was the last time I filled that tub and sit in it! So I quickly brought some candles, filled the tub with salty water & gel douche, put my cigarettes pack & ashtray away from water then I jumped in!
I assumed some relaxing positions, closed my eyes, pictured a relaxing picture of me lying in front of a sea and that was it! the miracle happened! I felt my stressed emotions were fading away with every water bead on my skin, my imprisoned thoughts were set free by every water drop off my hair and the mean & hurtful words evaporated with every blowing circle of smoke.
Now that my mind was free, I started to recollect myself & fluff my own pillows, it was hardly possible to build anything when frustration, bitterness and a mood of helplessness were prevailing. I couldn't help but notice that I've been mainly down and more apathetic since I started therapy, I miss me, I want to restore my pre-therapy life back...!

My shrink's pattern of treatment became so clear last session, he was only pointing out the drama in my life. Making me feel helpless, desperate, illusional and psychologically ill. He had been trying with me the "What comes first? Relationships or the chicken?" in the last few sessions by saying that I've been doing "sex comes before relationship" for the past 3 years and I'm still single so what about trying to reverse it? Until the last session where he was straight(pun intended) to the point; "you are miserable, edgy and tired so why don't you try the other way aka straight-en up?!" when he said it, I felt like he was saying you are miserable, edgy and tired so you are in the perfect mood for your exorcism!
He's so stupid to play that game with me, I know that I've dysfunctional relationship with my parents, I know that I've been single for three years now, I know that I feel lonely many times but all of that has nothing to do with my sexual orientation! If everyone who is miserable, edgy & tired switched his/her sexual orientation then there wouldn't be any heterosexual alive on this planet! Let him go gay first then I'll go straight! *Snap snap*

He unintentionally woke the beast, I restored my huge ego that keeps me warm in cold winter, he did the stupid mistake that I've been waiting for for so long, now is the perfect timing for me to be straight in front of him & my parents and eventually stop the whole therapy! I know that's the whole double life idea is ridiculous, lame and exhausting but It is the only way out of this therapy with having my parents on my side because let's face it; if I told him that I will stay queer, he'll start using another technique with me, I'll get psychologically messed up again, my parents will know(they already highly doubt) that I don't want to change as the therapy will take much longer time and also who knows what he'll tell my parents next? and nobody will be happy!
So I've to be very smart in the next sessions(my dear cynical readers, I know I won't outsmart him and I never said that I would) to sustain the "Yes, I can change" motives because I've to be careful with alterations, if I pull the wrong thread, everything falls apart!

Wrinkle wrinkle little scar, take two!

Here you go the rest of the lovely comments:

Ice queer, allow me to do the replies for you :
Batates, plain and simple, Gay people choose to act their sexuality, not their orientation, an easy example, related to the post is easily seen in the straight world, the difference between you and a nun is that you chose to get married and she chooses chastity, but none of you two chose to like men over women i guess.
I don't talk religion but for starters qawm loot weren't punished for homosexual act, but for possession crimes, they happenned to be homos but that wasn't their sole sin. and no i am not saying it is not considered a sin by religion, i am just correcting a historical fact.

About the effect on the society, well batates, how would you like a guy attracted to men choosing to act straight, getting married to you or your sister and not fulfilling his marital duties and leaving his wife unfulfilled sexually and wondering why am i not enough for him? does this scenario sound better than two men having sex in their own bedroom (mind you, i didn't throw the effect that bad marital relationship would have on their kids if they had them).

One last thing, I am horrified by the debate on the priest, when did being gay become equivalent to pedophilia?
If you are not willing to check psychiatric texts, read the novel lolita or simply watch the news and see that little girls get molested as well by priests, sheikhs and in many instances by their own very straight fathers and mothers. Unfortunately child abuse is very widespread and it is not restricted to gay people as people might think.
By Blog Reader on "Beauty and the Priest!"

I have to tell you Nour that your war of writing is actually more than wonderful...very enjoyable I give you that.

"The priest sent me to heaven"
hehe...well played :)
By Innate_Inanenuss on "Beauty and the Priest!"

I can totally relate to this post, I've been there. Personally I stopped feeling like I don't belong when I stopped hiding, I used to hide my ideas, my background, my dreams etc. I then realized that half of the times, the rejection was in my head,and actually when being confronted with my own difference, discussing it without confrontation, without slashing back or faking built unexpected bonds or simply respectful acquaintances.

About the promiscuity, Through my own therapy I came to realize It's not a matter of quantity as much as of motives and feeling, I used to (and still do) use sex as a validation, a get back, a hideout and a thousand other million reasons, I was/am promiscuous while just having sex once a month. Watch "Girl interrupted", there is a scene explaining promiscuity beautifully.

I wish u the best of luck.
By Anonymous on "100 years of iso-sex-lation!"

If this therapist thinks he can strip you of your humanity, your dignity and your identity (in your case, gay), then just leave him. I am going to tell you something, which you may hate me for. I respect you so much for facing up to your parents and for coming out of the closet. But, you know that your society and our society is not ready for that. Nor are your parents. So, why not maneuver things around? Why not have it your way both ways? Be gay and have your parents on your side. Why not have them for lunch before they have you for dinner. I am not asking you to deny who you are. On the contrary, be who you are amongst your friends, and everybody else. Except your parents because unfortunately you have to answer to them and you live with them under the same roof. So you need to be smarter in order to avoid the headache they keep giving you. Unless you move out and be independent and be your own man.

And your blog... you don't need to write about interesting men or interesting sexual adventures. You can simply write about yourself, about a boring day, about thoughts, about music. And trust me, there is always someone out there who is interested to read your blog and read what you have to say. This is a very healthy place to unwind... and to be yourself too. Just my advice.
By poshlemon on "I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!"

i know what you mean about not wanting to do the assignments, you feel like it won't change you at all and is a waste of time. The only good thing about them is that they keep you thinking about the sessions mid-week, so you continue to make forward motion. Not sure what to say about that. It's not homework, you're not at school:-S

Reading your post makes me feel like you are hovering between hope of some kind of good change, fear of the unknown in the future (we're all like that sometimes!) and questioning.. is it all worth it really?

I'd say keep going. It's like going on a holiday. If you've booked and paid to go for 2 weeks you've got to GO for two weeks. Likewise with your sessions, keep at them until you really can't take it anymore or until you feel like you've arrived at some kind of finishing point. Don't put yourself under pressure. Hey, your parents are paying for it. A lot of people DON'T GO because they can't afford it. So you are lucky. In a way.
It sounds like you're getting to know yourself better which is amazing. Sounds like SOMETHING positive is coming out of the sessions at least!

Keep it up, and don't shut down your blog;)
By Anonymous on "I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!"

If u r like me in anyway then ur "new" depression is not caused by the therapy, the therapy simply uncovered it, there comes a moment in life when someone or something just forcefully takes ur head out of the sand and afterwards it's just up to u to sink it back in the sand or start seeing things as they are, whether they r good or bad.
By the way, not feeling anything is a feeling.
Good luck buddy, i am sure u'll overcome this one too!
By Anonymous on "I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!"

I have a few questions in response to some of the comments.. What's wrong with concentrating on sex? And what's wrong with promiscuity? And what does being gay have to do with promiscuity or concentrating on sex?
By Wanderin Scarab on "I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!"

IQ I think Im the anon you meant and no that wasnt me. Ive been sinking myself into work trying not to deal with some family crisis that well I can not really do any thing about.
Anyways, Im sorry to read that you are not feeling well. My advice is pull yourself out. I agree with one comment that its the discovery process that you started with your therapist that is giving you a different way to see life and well as we grow up we realize life isnt always as we thought it is or even have one side to it.
I hope you do not follow poshlemon advice. I might disagree with you on many levels but having the courage to face your issues is one thing that makes me admire you. I just hope you take your therapy more serious or may be you do but you do not reflect that in so many words.
Why not share your feeling down with the therapist? ask him how you can deal with it and prevent it from getting worse?
As for the sex issue. Well, we all care about sex because it is part of who we are and yes it does affect your mood alot and could make life more bearable if it is with someone you love. It is however one of many parts of our identities and life and it should not entirly color the way we see things or life.
I do hope you keep on writing and like many comments I think I will enjoy it more if it had more you and less "men". You have a nice talent and would be sad to see it wasted plus I think writing is a good way to get over negative ideas.
Hope you feel better soon
By Anonymous on "I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!"

only problem with promiscuity is that it becomes an addiction and the desire for sex becomes insatiable..

Keep doubting...
By Will E. on "I wish you and ur fuckin therapy a lovely night!"

"perhaps we are all refugees from something"
i am not sure if its came out of u or out of the coke.. but its totally right.
may be that is one of many facts u can get from being with urself and see the life from different perspective.. very unique way of life.
By echo on "Thou hast the keys of Paradise; Oh, just sex and mighty cocaine!"

sweetie, i hope you know that drugs are addictive. you're screwed up enough already!?

kiss

ps he ain't pure inside. what kind of message is 'wanna fuck?'

ok i know why u went for it, would do the same thing too, definitely, but you're worth so much more, i feel it

...

don't hate me!
By Anonymous on "Thou hast the keys of Paradise; Oh, just sex and mighty cocaine!"

he's not pure inside, my dear. i'm going to tell you a few things i tell my girlfriends on a regular basis when they complain about the guys not giving them the respect they feel they deserve. if you present yourself in a way that says "I'll accept the crumbs you drop" (by crumbs, I mean the guy isn't going out of his way for her), then he's just gonna keep giving you nothing but crumbs of his attention. everyone wants to be loved and needed at the end of the day. he's saying "i'll kiss" eh ya3ny? like throwing a dog a bone? please. from everything you've said, b is neither "classy" nor "decent." i think many times, you meet someone messed up in the head..someone who sporadically gives you attention..and it drives you crazy. you want to be the person he needs, you want to be the person who fixes him.

whether you recognize this or not, it's probably the case. it gets you nowhere. sometimes you choose this person and hope he'll change but, honey, he won't. he will never treat you the way you secretly wish you'd be treated. you'll still feel empty whether or not you will admit it.
i realize the things i've said are harsh. i'm not being holier than thou because i've been there, too. at some point, you have to decide what you want for yourself, what you DEMAND for yourself, and take nothing less. if you accept a whole lot of nothing, you can expect to be given a whole lot of nothing.
By Anonymous on "Thou hast the keys of Paradise; Oh, just sex and mighty cocaine!"

Ice Queer..

I don't know about cocaine.. but I concur sex is good. I have an entire blog dedicated to sex, because it's good stuff. I think everyone deserves good sex. In fact, I have a theory. I think if everyone had good sex there would be no Muslim terrorists. If someone is having fantastic sex why on earth would they go looking for 30 or 40 (what's the count nowadays?) virgins in some green forest upstairs somewhere...

Continue to have good sex, and lots of it.
By Wandering Scarab on "Thou hast the keys of Paradise; Oh, just sex and mighty cocaine!"

LOL!
I laughed my head off reading the post.. What wouldn't I give to be 20 again?
Breezing in and out, of love, sex, friendship..I am never tired of saying that humans are complex creatures, who have complex needs, no matter how much we try to theorize on the "basic instincts" and "immediate material needs", we are never completely certain if we understand ourselves enough, and hence our needs, to actually know how to fulfill them.
Or whether what we are doing, actually will fulfill these needs.
A man traveling through any city, looking for company is no dating material.
Any girl can tell you that.
Most girls know that.
So there goes your two eligible dates.
There remains Mr. K, your teenage crush, Jesus, all this puppy love makes me noxious.
Dump his sorry ass and find something better to do.
If a guy wants you, he will show it, he will say it, he would put a ring on it! *snap snap*
If he doesn't, then he doesn't and its not worth your time.

And what the hell with all the raving about S's party?? This is not the East Side!
You two faced bitch!
kisses
By E on "There's always a butt!"

its not about possession its about common decency
1. the guy sleeps with you the day before
2. you take him out to a party...
3. he leaves with another guy

we are not animals we dont need to have sex with different guys every day ... well eventhough we would like to...its not about possesion but it is about possesion we own this guy ... you are the only who knew him when you got him to the party and did him a favor rather than him sitting alone in his house... even if he didnt have sex with you... he shouldnt go have blatantly sex with another guy... again its about decency... and again we are not animals
By Q(aka S) on "Me & my possessive side, have you two met before?"

Hmmm..inside you seems like a comforting, warm and loving place to be. LOL !!
S and E from the UAE.
By S&E on "He's just not yet inside of me!"

bobo...cant help but comment, tho i never thought i would before...i know we tend to be over-analytical, but this is too much sweety...why dont u let things flow ? i dont see no vibes or nothing, just a normal after party call...at least out of courtesy...yet i find it useful that you got tht idea he wasnt interested early enough...his answer wouldve been otherwise...donno, its too early...u know that kind of common sense...he seems like quite a sane and nice guy...see how it goes as friendship...can you try not to let him inside you ??

Xx , K
By K on "He's just not yet inside of me!"

K, i was sort of there with IQ that day it was interesting and i think his analysis are correct... i dont think he even way over analyzed .. actually what even suprized more about IQ was his reaction when i spoken to him the next day he was very mature in handling this.. like if i saw other guys in his situation and they met this stud .. and trust me oh he was a stud and not only just looks he had everything good as apackage they would have went all like "why was he not into me" "should i call him the next day" then they will send the guy a million messages... and i seen it happen infront of my own yes with other guys around him... IQ had a very chill responce which was like ...mmmmm yeaaa if he calls he calls if he doesnt eshta...and with regards to his entry being anylitical i dont know i thought it was the right amount its healthy for a person to look at himself and analyze whats happening in order to grow personally and learn from these new experiences

Cheers
Q formerly known as S
By Q(aka S) on "He's just not yet inside of me!"

Haven't been around for a while. I came today and found that I have been quoated with that grain of love or hate! Thank you.
I enjoyed the post, and from now on "wearing Eltawheed Wel Nour in a room full of Chanel" will be my occasional words when they are relevant.

Don't get surprised even when it is the title of a new post of mine when I get the energy to show up again in my blog.

Black.....
By Anonymous on "He's just not yet inside of me!"

Sweetheart, why are u so determined to be in a relationship...is it for the sake of being committed to someone or do u really want to have someone?
I Guess u shall set ur requirements for a partner n if u stumble along ur path with someone who fits the picture and is showing mutual interest,then go for it and don't let it slip away...
we all are dependent in our own way and there no point from framing urself in a commitment where either u dont get what u need or ur not fulfilling the other part needs...
Hell be a Slut(in a good way)for as long as it takes...

Cheers
Cute Lad from that beach theme party!!
By Anonymous on "Sigmund Freud, ANALyze this!"

Wrinkle wrinkle little scar!

Yesterday 7th of July was the first anniversary of my blog, it felt so weird but in a good way, I read my previous and felt that it was someone else who wrote them, I never thought that my blog would last that long(45 posts of 11,061 total page views & 6,834 total visits!), I've never ever thought that one day I'd write anything but my blogging experience always surprised!
So I decided not to write about my life for a change and dedicate this post for my readers, those who always left comments on my different posts, who made me think, laugh, blush, doubt, wake up & change.
The comments will be posted on two posts because they are too many(it was hard to pick only these comments from all the amount of comments)!

i love the way you show no mercy
an inspiration to everyone out there!!
By Convict on "What the fuck has Jesus to do with it?!"

I love the words
This one of the best. Especially when u burried the words inside him, Thank god u burried it there, and hope its just gone there
By Anonymous on "The worst hangover ever: The Bonus sex!"

I definitely understand the lower-middle class attraction. There's something about a grimy place in a god forsaken area that's an instant aphrodisiac haha.
By Anonymous on "Social class gap: Double dating!"

I think we already established that the argument of taxonomy of sexual pathologies is outdated. By at least a hundred years. So while some people here might think they are keeping up, they are using a Western moral discourse, that even the Wes abondened.
How original is that?
Can't you come up with your own "terms" or definitions? Why use scientific Latin to speak about "our morality"?
Assuming we are a Muslim, Middle Eastern, Arabic society?
And you know whats funny?
Discussing desire is not new to this society.
You know what I would like to see?
If one person, one person who writes one of these bigoted comments was educated at all.
But alas! Everyone who reads this blog, and wants to stand for the moral, upright nature of this society is grossly misinformed.
Read your own history darling, then come discuss desire and sexuality.
Instead of borrowing hackneyed, overused, obsolete moral discourses.
Which is I think is hysterically funny!
Now, how about you go fuck yourself, which I don't think you know how, because you are, surprise surprise, shy!
By E on "Pansexuality should be the Future's label!"

Give the comment above an award. It's like they forgot the sex-mad poets we had in the Middle Ages... When it was shameful to show an ankle in the west.
By Anonymous on "Pansexuality should be the Future's label!"

this touched me in a way i can not explain .
xoxo
By S. on "Ice queer? Ah OUI!"

ok.. i've just came accross ur blog, only cause u replied to a post on scene and heard that i left...
if i had ever met you we would be great friends (sorry, no testise in this premises-only vaginal instruments, that havent been working for quiet sometime)
ur thoughts are liberating, entertaining and touching...
be who u r... learn from ur mistakes... and always be true to urself...
bravo begad...
a potential fan...

SMF
By Anonymous on "Ice queer? Ah OUI!"

Awesome! I could taste the mixture of drinks, hash and lust as I went through your short entry.
Can't wait for the rest!
By Lou on "Would you pretend we're only friends if I kissed you?"

Well I think age has nothing to do with it. And no, it might not be that great dating someone who's just you in everyway, ofcourse you have to be ''on the same level'' but he doesn't have to be that similar to you, you know? Because you'd still feel something is missing and all would turn to be too boring after a while.

Undefined relations are the most complicated. Be careful not to get so carried away with your feelings. Enjoy your time. Don't hurt yourself and have things always under control.

Peace.
By Gia on "The truce hurts!"

Mr.Right Now.
Enjoy it until it lasts.
It will end. Everything does.
Squeeze its juice, and enjoy the drunken lusts for no matter how long it comes.
By ... and then God created Men! on "The truce hurts!"

My friend, and I am calling you friend because for some weird reason I can relate to most of your posts. I just wish I can explore more sides in you than your dating/sex life. and I am sure you have more things to offer.
Everyone is unique in some way or another, so yeah, you are different in your own way and hopefully oneday I will get to have a real life conversation with you
By cairodude on "The truce hurts!"

Now this is a VERY interesting topic to read, especially those first lines.
Being a good writer, why don't you elaborate more about the reasons of what you felt, rather than telling us what those feelings where.
Everyone in your place would feel humiliated and broken, but why ? everyone has his own reasons, and you, have different reasons. Explain them.

P.S: It's not that easy in developed countries to sue people, it's not like what you see in theaters, and believe me this ain't the problem, any man would react differently, if he was here in Egypt, or even in Switzerland.
By Anonymous on "Steaming out!"

I'm highly against medications, i've been on them for too long and i hated every minute of it, somehow i prefer to live with my "madness" and i am ready to die because of it rather than to be dulled out by medications, they slowly killed me inside. Some shrinks do prescribe drugs to cure homosexuality by the way, they kill your sex drive to ensure your abstinence.For a therapy to work though, you need a full collaboration between you and your doctor, so don't listen to opinions, pace yourself according to your feelings and needs,get all the information you need about what you both will do and how will it affect your life and make conscious choices. This day is all that is promised to you, live it right.
Good luck.
By Anonymous on "Officially OUT!"

This post made me smile, do u really think that a doctor that experienced (or anyone as a a matter of fact) would really buy that you met only two gay guys, just for a coffee and that you wonder if there are guys feeling the same and that the only thing he would doubt of would be if u kissed a guy on the lips?!!!
I agree with S, it's useless to lie, it will just make the process longer, i believe u have to choose your way, u either stand for your position or you get back in the closet as that guy with the weird name told u (the one in the previous post) (which entails lying, of course).
There is one last possibility though, but i believe it won't be received popularly in this blog; did u ever think to actually try that therapy? I mean you sound like you reached a good point of acceptance of your sexuality, so i don't think talks and mind games would actually push you back to the place where you hate yourself for liking men, i mean what do u have to lose? if it works you will have known that you had unresolved problems, if it doesn't, you can honestly tell your parents "i tried and it didn't work out" and you can all move on together, in any case, you would have actually made a journey of self discovery with yourself, you'd have stripped off all of the masks/roles you ever wore/played, even with your own self and found out the true you. As S said, this is a good chance (S we agree so much, we should date!), not because of the talking, but because you are in a place were you can question everything you think and everything you think you believe/feel, (even your own moral code, your darkest deeds/secret desires that you never shared, not even with your best friend) and watch it from an external point of view, once it is out there, abstract, it becomes a matter of discussion between you and your doctor.
My biggest advice if u chose this last option is to refrain from judging, opposing and refusing anything the doctor says, just absorb it and weigh it. I was a fighter with my psychiatric i'd attack and defend and only recently i realized that i was afraid, afraid that he might be right, that he might say something that would make me realize i wasn't really gay, I was afraid of that because it had taken me too long to accept my sexuality as a nature and not as a choice, that if i had found out that that wasn't true i'd have no excuse for my "immoral" actions, only now i realize that back then, even if i dated, had sex and thought i was happy being gay, in fact i still considered it deep in my subconscious as something terribly wrong.
Face yourself nordine, it's scary, but it frees you ; "...and the truth will set you free"
By Z(aka XY) on "Therapy session #1"

Should I break the news and tell you that he is playing with you or you have already sensed it? Starting from his disappearance two years ago and then claiming that he vaguely remembered you and bieng suprised you still remember his no and all that bla bla bla.

I would say that most of the infos he gave you about himself is not correct either.

And by the way he only insisted once to meet you when he already felt that you wouldn't be able to make it. Corny trick.

If you realize it but you are still keen to pursue it, fine, but if you have the illusion that there is some "miscommunication" somewhere then you just need a reality slap!

Suribal
By Suribal on "The number you've dialled is not in service, ANYMORE!"

I enjoyed reading ur story, I guess ill call u whenever I need to make some1 change his number.
Anyway, he sounds kind of familiar, does his name start with M.N.?
save ur time and look for NORMAL guys
loved ur story ;)
By Spectacular on "The number you've dialled is not in service, ANYMORE!"

when i had those days struggling with myself ..i met a guy i wasn`t so young , i was almost 22 .. he was the first guy i`ve ever met in my life .. i felt guilty for only seein him and i met him another time , i made some excuses to end it up(tho it didn`t start even).
i told him i`ll change bla bla bla
he told me that his friends tried with well known and famous psychaetrists and it never worked which means ,forget it .. anyway years passed and once i chatted with the owner of this blog , nordine and i felt sorry cos i met queeny like guy (at a friend`s place) and felt sorry i`m gay .. nordine told me in words ( i thought u passed this period of ur life) he meant i`m old now and i`m supposed to be over such thoughts and i`m supposed to know what i really want now .. i thought he passed the same period too ..
but my question for u nordine if it happens to read this ., do u want to be str8 ? expecting it to work after all those experiences , ur life with guys was long phone calls and with girls was only missed calls.
anyway what i know about physical dependance in homosexuality cases makes me believe it is hard to stop the feeling .. may be u can stop the action but the feeling will be always in u .. and oneday u may explode or live ur life frustrated cos u fear god (maybe in some cases) or ur family society etc .. finally ur life will pass and u lose .. so the earlier u know what u want the more happiness u can get ..
wish u good luck with ur experience at a shrink`s
By Anonymous on "And the therapy continues....Coming Clean!"


I like your blog it is very frank I think that in itself is therapy I am glad you do not think there is something wrong with you do not let anyone tell you other wise :)
By Paul on "And the therapy continues....Coming Clean!"

Loool @ love to revenge
I've been fwded this on FB. I hate to fill these things up
U forgot to mention ur Samira Said performance :)
I've just discovered that I could a feed for this blog to my RSS app on my iPhone. Bathroom time never been more fun :P I read all ur posts.
One last thing. By all means, u r ICE QUEEN
By Spectacular on "25 things about me!"

I'll just point out a few sentences I particularly liked :
I always wondered why these girls are taking all college-related stuff too serious?!

"they are not that smart, they are just a walking parrot "

"guys everywhere who look like LAMEr Hosny"

Now don't You feel you sound a bit :
"aggressive, criticizing everything and judging all people"

and that you are not letting others:
"live your life any way you like"

Ice queer, you might think this is to attack you but in fact it isn't, could easily spot those sentences because i used to (and still do at times) do exactly the same, in my quest of claiming my freedom of choice and difference I let my ego take over and i became the know it all laughing at all the idiocy i see around.

Balance, my friend, balance, their being wrong won't make you more right by the least bit.
By Blog Reader on "Life theater!"

I loved this post,you didn't filter your thoughts so this is what made it interesting.
Anyways, I am gonna say this, just think if you were reincarnated as someone else, a suburbs person for instance, you would have been listening to Tamer, if you were reincarnated as this veiled girl, you would have done the same thing, I think human beings are a product of factors, it's not really their choice in the very first place to be who they are..
Have a great day.
By Anonymous on "Life theater!"

Being a friend with an ex means what? Really considering him a close friend and you go out together, meet regularly and confide to each other? or it means keeping a reasonable friendly level of communication after breaking up?

The first is rather difficult IMO but it isn't impossible, while the second is very possible in my experience (as long as the break up was not a bloody one!)

I even believe that being a friend with an ex is the best sign that our feelings got totally neutralized towards him/her. If we can not look in the face of an ex and talk to him/her without feeling a grain of love or hate, it is then I know it is really over.
By blackcairorose on "What the Fuck @#*^%$^?!!!"

Nice to see a guy not ashamed to talk about his feelings seriously usually guys are so stuck up about this. U r a refreshing change :)
By Sou on "Beauty and the Priest!"

Love well, Whip well!

I've experienced BDSM two times so far, I've always wanted to try it, to know where my limits are, to break barriers and boundaries, to send myself into a more primal raw connection, to erase the civilized conventions and attain that connection, space, where there is no skin, no outer layers, but simply raw primal emotion.
I somehow believe that submission can actually engender power; realizing that you have something to give, that you are capable of mastering your own will to give it up the way your top wants it instead of the way you think he should want it, can inspire pride, not the false pride of inflated ego, but the true pride that comes from knowing the raw depths of yourself!

My Master is a 40something German doctor whose dominant nature is real deep & visceral; an eye that do more work than both his hands, something that has nothing to do with the good looks, charisma, dressing well, "dominant" personae and all the trappings of BDSM as I think all these things are easy to fashion.
My first time with him was more about the blindfolds, collar, handcuffs, chain, ropes, nipple clippers and all those kinky tools but I didn't enjoy it that much; a chain and a blindfold doesn't make it BDSM, I donno..It's not a sexual thing to me, it's a very spiritual thing.
I enjoyed more my second time with him without any tool, I was a "working" bottom who was actively putting the Top's "work" to joyful use, for me it was not into my ear he whispered but into my heart, it was not into my lips he kissed but my soul, He call me slave and I call him master and It wasn't physical in any way.

So I knew that I can never be a slave as I'm more dominant on bed but I also can't be a master...I can't explain it, I guess I'm a dominant bottom, I'm very controlling and power for me is the ultimate aphrodisiac; I'll get on my knees when you get on your elbows! I like men who compel my strength, who make enormous demands on me, who do not doubt my courage or my toughness, who do not believe me naive or innocent, who have the courage to treat me like a whole and not a half who completes a whole!

Meanwhile, does abnormal pleasure kill the taste for normal ones? Am I making any sense?

Sigmund Freud, ANALyze this!

Oh ice why do you always cross paths with such people who give mixed messages and are not that frank about their feelings, is it the sign of the century or people just think they are too good to admit they are into someone beats the hell out of me but hoping you would meet someone who knows what he wants and are not afraid of going after it.
Until then drop Stud till he knows what he wants!
Sou-One-Canobee, a dear blog reader's comment on my last post

My blog is almost one year old(that's why I gave her that brand-spanking new outfit ;)) , I quickly ran through my old posts and it's got me; I've a pattern of my own! I wondered If I really meet the same guy all over again every time? Do players/guys change but the game is always the same with me? Do I think that I always see the right flags, but in the end after long time those flags turn red and I see the guy's true colours? And If I really do have a pattern of my own, What would I do to break it; Try some out-of-my-fav-league-guys on? But what if this new league will be a league of morons, will I afford that change? will I be able to restore my very old pattern? Or Should I've a détente and not to have any pattern? But can we live without patterns, no matter how hard we try not to have one?

Apparently my pattern is very obvious to people around me, I either like the "new-guy-who-just-came-out-to-dating-websites-&-gay-life" or the "traveller" guys! Well the first type of guys usually attracts me more donno why, maybe cuz they are new or that they are pure or they are usually sexy but on the other hand, I usually attract them like a magnet; most of my new contacts on MSN are of this kind of guys! I guess I explained them enough via my posts about Mr.B & Ibby for example and they always wreck it in the end!
Meanwhile, the "traveller" guys usually make me fall into the sex haze; you know where the sex is really great and you start acting like a crazy person then you start to imagine that the relationship is something it's not!

But is it only that I like the wrong guys or I've some issues of my own that I don't know about? Did I unintentionally wreck the relationship with some of the guys I've been seeing/dating? Was I wrong when I always figured out that the reason behind the failure is either their issues or external factors? Am I high maintenance? Do I scare them off by my experience and how somehow out I'm? Am I awfully picky person? Do I always find a reason to break thing up? Am I philophobic?

I've been single for almost 3 years now and I've figured out that I really can't maintain having a relationship; I'm not independent enough for the 25-35 guys and I'm way mature for the guys around my age! So I guess I should work on the very long-termed relationship I've been having for 3 years now; me & myself!

He's just not yet inside of me!

It was Thursday, I was so bored I could die, almost everyone is outside Cairo, there wasn't any party in the corner, so I thought it's just about time to go on a date with that "Str8 acting" guy who made an appearance on my MSN after long time of being offline! So I called him, he had another call, I hanged up and waited for him to call back but he didn't! So I didn't bother and called Jovee to meet him up for some drinks in down town with his friends.

In a moment in between drinking and discussing Obama's speech; the "stud du jour" called me, he said that he's going to call me this weekend but I didn't give it much attention donno why, he said that he'll be around my part of the city in a while and was checking what I'm up to! I told him that am going back to one of Jovee's friend's place so I'll be waiting there until he arrives. And just right after I hanged up; my "Str8 acting" guy called and asked where I'm and what I'm up to, so I told him the same though I wasn't that keen to meet him!
so I made it to Jovee's friend's place, fixed myself a drink and was starting to enjoy it when stud du jour called me announcing his arrival to our meeting point, I told him that I'll be there after 5 minutes and excused from Jovee and his friends. While driving to our meeting point, I could only think about how invincible my self-confidence became; I was so surprised of myself, few years ago If I was about to meet someone who is too hot for me like stud du jour, I get nervous, uncomfortable and anxious as if I was wearing Tawheed Wal Noor in a room full of Chanel, but now it got totally different though I'm pretty much still physically the same so I could help but wonder what have changed? Is it the not-expecting-anything? or my experience over the past 5-6 years? or the very known fact about me that I always get what I want no matter how long it takes me?! How far invincible would my self-confidence get? Isn't it a slope that is too slippery without boundaries?!....BAAAM I drove in the wrong direction and the officers,who were blurry shaped for me right now when I landed my eyes on him, took my driving license and registration paper and I was determined to pay 70 pounds in the station by Saturday!

I parked and got inside his car, we talked while he was wandering by the car then he asked me If I'd like to join him & his friends on the birthday party of his ex.boyfriend, he mentioned his friends' names, I know some of them and S was already there so I couldn't find a reason not to join him although I didn't quite digest the idea of meeting his friends while we've just met, and oh don't get me start talking about the idea of attending his ex.BF's birthday party! I never understood the "becoming friends" illusion, I just don't have the patience to clean up more and more mess after getting over an ex.BF and moving on but is it true what some people say? that keeping a reasonable friendly level of communication after breaking up where you can look in the face of an ex and talk to him/her without feeling a grain of love or hate, it's then you know it's really over?!

His friends had been really drinking their asses off, they were so sweet and funny especially his ex who I've always perceived that he is cold and stuck up but I LOVED the drunk ex of him although I got bored very quickly because I got more sober minute by minute, stud also was getting bored for the very same reason and when I thought the boredom would get any further, S took stud aside and then he came back to me saying that stud is not interested! I was like "WTF?! How could u do so? What was the conversation about?!" then S told me that he said he's not interested and out of the blue I found S grabbing me and confronting me with stud to let us talk and see if we were interested or not!!! I felt so embarrassed and would have killed S right there If I didn't know that he was wasted, that's typical drunk S; saying the politically incorrect words with the wrong people in the very bad time!
So before I'd become cruella de ville, I felt it was time to call it a night!

In my way back home, I kept narrating in my head what S had told me as I didn't get any negative vibe or message from stud's side and I always trust my instincts so I just disregarded what he had said and threw it away just when I was brushing my teeth and taking my contacts off; stud was calling me! I didn't expect that he'd call so I waited a little bit before picking up, we said the regular Hellos and he said that he was calling to check on and see if I got back home one piece! It was so sweet of him but what does that mean? the ball in my court or something? I'm the one who will have to make the next move? I never liked this kind of politics and I already know that this is not going anywhere further than sex and maybe friends, so why the whole mixed vibes and messages?
Is he just not that into me or is he just not inside of me yet? This is the question!

Too much information!

Okay, S knew how to take some answers out of me in an interview which he just posted on his blog!
Check it out and tell me what do you think =)

Magic Mirror on the Wall, Who is the fairest one of all?

My last session with my shrink was kinda interesting, he said that I've dual personalities; a person who is very successful, smart, COLD, very self-confident, perfectionist and has OCD..etc and another person who lays very deep under the surface who is searching for something, seeking to better know himself and life; who is so into psychology, dreams(literally), astrology, body language, religions, after life and could easily get furious!
I couldn't help but wonder; Which one truly am I? How much do our interests tell about us? Do I've only dual personalities? Will I develop multiple personalities disorder in the future or bipolar maybe?!
But I believe he is wrong, am the same person in both personalities; I love my life yet I'm very curious about what happens after we die, I'm very self-confident yet I care about how others perceive me & my body language, I'm smart yet I believe in star signs & astrology, I've OCD yet I always want an explanation for what I dream about and call anyone I dream about, I'm agnostic yet I've moderate religious parents! Yes, I'm all of that in one....!

And speaking of my shrink, I won't trust him anymore; he told my parents that I don't have any motive to "undo" my homosexuality! Yes, I'm very aware that no matter what he says or does, he still indirectly wants me to be heterosexual, but I just don't get it; how come he wants me to be a heterosexual and in the very same time he wants me to have a boyfriend and be in a healthy relationship!
So I'll manipulate everyone of them! I'll be the son every parent wishes to have; I'll pray & attend religion classes, I'll do sports and be such an obedient son. And I'll totally convince my shrink that I want to change and got bored of my gay life so everyone will be happy although I know that I'll put my double-life to the max by doing all of that, but I don't care, I just won't allow anyone to screw up my life and how I want to live PERIOD

Me & my possessive side, have you two met before?

Thursday night, sipping my cappuccino in my favourite cafe, blowing some smoke circles, chatting with some friends and checking some websites to pass the time until I decide which "going-out" plan that would suit me the most. Time passed and there isn't any one of my friends who came up with any interesting plan and before I knew it; an international number was vibrating my mobile and the light effects reflected on my ear to ear smile, I didn't immediately recognize the voice, he said that we met long time ago at Harry's pub and that I was with a girl friend of mine, but I finally recognized him when he said his facebook name, he is "Bash" a late 20-something years old successful Saudi bourgeois!
So I changed my plans from going out with fellas to blowing a phallus; it was a call in the perfect timing, I already had no interesting plans yet and my last time sex with almost 3 weeks ago!

One hour later, his room's door opened and I was greeted by a very sexy figure, just about my type; The sexy tanned defined body, the skin head, the edible lips, the nicely haired chest and the dirty beard and a while later he developed a tent in his pants that scout boys could have camped there!
Sex was obviously great and I enjoyed his company over dinner at that cosy Marriott's Royce restaurant, we talked about past, present and future; the mutual friends we've, our interests, his career of advertising and I couldn't resist telling him about my blog when he told me about his book! I usually don't talk about my blog with anyone who would be a potential material that could be blogged about! So I thought that he could be my plus one for the next day's big Birthday party of my friend "Mohinder", he fits in that criteria; he has interesting personality and sexy looks!

Friday night, Me, Bash & my LEO Jordanian friend were waiting in front of Mohinder's BF's dublex apartment with me having spasmed calves & back and severe headache from the too much standing and exposure to sun in the afternoon in Korba's carnival(aka my TESTERONE carnival!) with my very sweet friend "Iten"!
I made an entrance, greeted my friends, went upstairs to change to my beach wear as it was the party's theme and I couldn't wait to see Mohinder's facial expression when he opens my gift which was a whore version of Barbie Doll!
Bash kept my company while I was fixing myself a drink to ease the pain and the headache, I then introduced him to most of my friends, we moved along with the music and I kept his company for almost all the time because he doesn't know anyone so I definitely don't want him to feel cast-ed away. Few minutes later many guys arrived and some of them were trying to hit on Bash, I don't know why but I was mad at them though it has nothing to do with neither him nor them, it's perfectly fine that guys would hit on him and he responds; he is in town for few days and he needs some fun, but at that moment I really felt the possessive side of me so clear and obvious! I know that I shouldn't act that way, we are not even dating and we won't because he's a traveller, so I really disliked my possessive nature that night and it screwed my mood when I left the party!

He left around 1:30 and he didn't let me walk him to the door as he's already leaving with that trashy American guy, so I kissed him goodbye, fixed myself a 4th drink and headed to the dance floor to shake the stress away or let me rephrase it; to "bash" the "possess" away and the disco ball's rays diverse-d it away indeed!

So here I am, back home with an irremovable birthday stamp on my hip bone, typing this and thinking about that sexy guy who figured out that I'm the owner of this blog when I told him my Moroccan name(Nordine, the one I use on the blog), he kept gushing about my blog, I was flattered but I freaked out because I felt naked with all my stories in front of a total stranger!
Anyway I'd meet Bash again but I'm sure going to read his autographed book edition in the next days!

Life smiles again!

My father just got me a new laptop! I'm so fucking happy, u've no idea! It's like one of the greatest things that could happen/ed to me this year!

It's silly that you only see life beautiful when you are happy; I got so happy for my friend "Native" for losing 7KG of fats(not that he was really fat anyway) and working out really hard to get in the fabulous body shape we all dream about! I also got very happy for my "Spectacular" friend for dating "the one" and getting head over heels, he needed someone like the guy he's dating aka his future boyfriend because unfortunately Spectacular is a kind of guy that gets SO motivated and optimistic when he is in a relationship so you can imagine how much he's over the moon now with someone that perfect!

That's the first post to be posted from my brand new laptop! =)

There's always a butt!

"Just stop seeing the person that I've been and start seeing the person I
could be. Look at me, not the Edie that I show the world. In fact - let's
lose her. Forget the blouse that she wears because she knows it shows off
her cleavage. And the skirt that's so short, because she knows that guys
love long legs. And the heels, the ones that make her legs look even longer.
Forget the bra that holds her breasts a little higher than they are on their
own these days. And the panties, the ones that hide the scar from my
c-section. This is it. Hi, Carlos. I'm Edie. I might not be the woman that
you thought I was under all of that but I'm real, and I'm here. And I'm
asking for a chance."
Edie - a desperate housewife

It's been a while since I last wrote anything, lots of things were happening lately that I wanted to write about but I ended up writing nothing with no significant reason like S's Black & White fabulous party which was full of in-closet guys, Echo's housewarming party that was literally a FISH party packed up with lots of Lesbians, my sister's future fiancé & my forbidden lust, my sexy colleague who truely represents our homoerotic culture; giving me "hard" time in elevators & living up to my homoerotic high school teenaging hormones that I've never experimented!
Yet, I couldn't resist writing about three particular guys who "popped up" in my life lately.

Addy, a 26 years old South African Indian guy who was raised in London of a Business tycoon father & a designer mother, very sexy looking, very impressive personality & a career that is highlighted by building-up himself without his parents' help or interference , bottom line; a very successful good looking fashionista.
I've been chatting with him for so long but we couldn't meet because he partially lives in Egypt and not even in Cairo, so I got so excited when he told me last April that he'll be visiting Cairo for few days and the next thing I knew, we were having dinnger at Sequoia over the spring nile view!
He really knew how to arouse my interest and hold it, how to move from a point to another and from a topic to another, how to impress me with unsual things...etc I so wanted him to be my plus one for S's B&W party, so I invited him and passed by his hotel in the next day to pick up with him what he would wear for the party, had few drinks before we go and 30 minutes later we were passing through the black & white curtains to ring the villa's bell, got myself comfortable with having many familiar faces around, fixed myself a bacardi(my fav!) so I can quickly get into the mood, then we danced together and the rest is history!
Next day, I went to his room in the afternoon, had long talks, cuddled, had sex and actually cuddled again(so not me lol)! The sex was amazing(I do LOVE Scorpios on bed) but it wasn't about the sex, it was about the moment after; when the world stopped & I felt safe and secured!

But, he is partially living in Red Sea, spends most of the year in South Africa, so it is not going to work out no matter how much I like him!

José, a 28 years old Spanish Coloumbian guy working in Lodon, we met two weeks ago in Sofitel Gezirah's nile garden over 2 Michelle's Roses drink, he surprised me by how quickly and intensely I got comfortable around him, I met him with the intent of having just a one night stand but little Did I know that I'll instantly like him and spend more than 6 hours with him; we talked about everything from politics to gay lifestyles in different countries...too much clicking for me with a Taurean guy!
A while later, we went to his room, my dick went from being as soft as cocoon to as hard as a nuclear warhead, I was getting naked without breaking up our kiss, got captured by his looks; the thick pitch black eye brows, pools of dark brown for eyes and a treasure tail that would make a pirate jealous! whoever said that Spanish guys are great on bed is a big fat psychic! The sex was mind-blowing, I didn't see that coming, it was the best sex I've had in months and I'm not exaggerating!
We then showered together, wanted to complain to the hotel management about the tiny bath tabs despite the great renovations they did to the whole building, orderd dinner to the room, watched a movie on TV together and then I had to give him some sleep before his early morning London flight!

I liked him so much, he has the whole package of my dream man, but he lives in London and he only comes to Cairo two times a year!

K! over & over! He is back to Cairo for a short notice before he travels to his next destination, I've met him few times in that small vacation but they were too intense to maybe equal to the other times I saw him in the past 2 years altogether!
I got bored of the whole "unlabeling" pahse were in for so long, I thought it's about time to end the "being casual" thing and confront him with what has been stored on my mind in a dusty corner! I told him what I don't like about him; that he's always busy with his too many friends, that he rarely takes any move and that he doesn't express his emotions or what's on his mind thought I totally understand the latter two as it is a Scorpio nature but I just couldn't tolerate it anymore, I really like him so much, I want to be with him and I can see a future for us together though it is weird for me say that about someone I've not slept with yet!
Back in the past when we first met, I knew he liked me and I was the total bitch I'm but now it has got reversed and he is not sure If he still has those old feelings deep inside or not! I sensed that he has a lot to say but can't express it so I requested him to write down everything he wanna say and I'll wait for that message!

He has probably arrived to his destination while I'm typing this, I know that he'll read this post & freak out but I don't care, I steamed ou what I wanted to say and I'll be waiting for him when he comes back on August because he's worth it & he made me pass through things that I haven't experminted in a LONG time; I was that close to shut down my profile in all the gay dating websites!

Phew! such a long post!

Thou hast the keys of Paradise; Oh, just sex and mighty cocaine!

Thursday 1AM, in a bar in Maadi with some friends, chitchatting with them, sipping my drink, heard my mobile pronouncing a ringtone that it hadn't play long time ago, I grabbed it, inhaled my Kent6 and read Mr.B's message "Do u wanna fuck", I wasn't surprised as I was expecting that kind of message from him after his tragic float on my life's surface back again and while putting my phone back on the table, the ringtone played again so I quickly read his message "Ill kiss", I got strayed with my emotions and thoughts; is he that desperate? When has sex became a deal for him, that he has to give up something in return so he can seal the deal?! Do I really feel like seeing him again anyway?!!
I didn't reply and I let go the whole dilemma but I told one of my friends(and also a dear blog reader) about it, so he told me "If you are emotionally fragile these days, then don't go!"..I just smiled and knew that I wouldn't be able to explain myself(don't have the energy to do that already) and it is not about emotions for starters!

1:30AM, the waiter kindly asked if we want to order anything as it's the last order, so we ordered the cheque and my "ID/It" started to order my "Super-ego" to let go!
So we left and I texted "B" informing him that I'm coming only If it is going to be GREAT sex as I'll drive all the distance from Maadi to Nasr City and back to Maadi again!

2:00AM, waiting in front of his apartment, the door slowely opened and the same figure that I saw last time was standing there; nothing changed about his body shape, attitude or life style, his mother's TV is still on in her room as usual. His room is still pretty much the same; clothes randomly everywhere, Heineken cans all over the space, joints & cigs left-overs, some Economy books and the laptop is on as usual!
I sat down in my everytime's exact part of the couch, lit one of the joints, he was still silent, I wondered why he didn't lock the door, he told me that he is waiting for his dealer to come by so he'll lock it after, I looked at the joint between my long fingers and the ones on the table, so I quickly asked why don't you score tomorrow instead of scoring that late and get risky?! He smiled and said that he is waiting his other stuff's dealer! I put a wicked fake grin on my face and heard a voice deep inside me saying "Shit! He's back on track crack!"....So I quickly dropped the subject and we then talked about some general stuff and what we've been up to...etc

2:15AM, he scored and got back to the room with a white stuff in his hand grip and not on a white horse as my slightly stoned imagination was sarcastically drawing(when you smoke herbs, it reveals you to yourself!), he sat by his desk and started fixing the powder to shortly make the lines, I approached and watched him in excitement as it's my first time ever to witness such a thing, I loved watching what he's doing; liked the ceremony, the ritual of preparing cocaine as much as watching him doing it. I got so tempted to try it, I felt like a kid in front of a jar of candies, I was afraid, curious, excited and thrilled, all in the same time!
I couldn't hold the gulp forming in my throat anymore so I spat it out "B, Can I try? What does coke make you feel?" He went explaining the whole difference between coke and hash but I wasn't listening as much as I was listening to my "It/ID"!
So I ended up sniffing my first line; when it snows in your nose and you catch cold in your brain!

We got back to the couch, making out, eventually got naked and I was surprisingly enjoying every moment of it! He wanted to sniff another line and I couldn't agree more, he fixed a small line for me, I bent over the desk to sniff it, he became behind my back and hold me tightly..it was SO erotic! I donno why I got fucking turned on by his move! Is it the "taboo" feeling? as I felt the same feeling when I first had sex!

Anyway I didn't like cocaine that much, donno if it is because I was already stoned or because I got trapped in my mind with various thoughts..coke truely magnifies your personality!
I just didn't like to escape my reality this way, perhaps we are all refugees from something, but I wouldn't need coke to make me see that there is nothing to fear. that the world we hold into, the lives we cherish, are a part of something greater, something more....something I can't see clearly!
Am I making any sense?!